People Who Kill People Horribly, And Others

How was your weekend? asks David.

Instructive, says Kong Fu-Zi. I believe my oration will be the better for it. Your mother has been very helpful.

Mother is always very helpful, says David.

Thank you David, says Katherine. Here is a present for you. I almost lost it.

David takes the present and shoves it into a drawer.

Any news? says Katherine. We haven't had time to catch up.

Oh, we're going to war again, says David.

Are you? says Kong Fu-Zi. Who with?

Enemies, says David. People who kill people horribly. We are going to drop bombs on them.

This is unlucky, says Kong Fu-Zi. To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.

David and Katherine think about this for a minute. It sounds perfectly reasonable.

Aren't you going to open your present? asks Katherine.

No time, says David. Got work to do. Sweezus has let us down again.

The baby? says Katherine.

Yes the baby, says David. It takes up all his time.

What work does he do? asks Kong Fu-Zi.

Washing and cooking, says David. Hair trimming. Nail cutting. Playing with toys.

Kong Fu-Zi didn't mean that, says Katherine. He means, what does Sweezus do in the office?

Pretty much that, says David. No, ha ha! That isn't fair. He goes through lists of philosophers and calls them to ask for an article. If they say no, he ghost writes it.

Is that ethical? says Kong Fu-Zi.

They rarely find out, says David. Have you yourself ever considered.....?

Philosophical article writing? says Kong Fu-Zi. Of course. I would be delighted. I have nothing to do until Thursday......

Do you ride a bicycle? says David, because here's the thing. You must have a bicycle in it.

I have not tried, says Kong Fu-Zi. But I should like to. I am always open to new ideas.

A bicycle is more than an idea, says David. But then again, perhaps Schopenhauer will lend you his. It's a Platonic Ideal. Very easy to ride. Don't tell him I said so.

Very good, says Kong Fu-Zi. I should be pleased if you would arrange it. Meanwhile, would you and Katherine like to be my guests at an Ozasia Festival performance tonight? I have been given three free tickets.

What is it? says Katherine.

Ibsen In One Take, says Kong Fu-Zi. Performed by a Chinese theatre group.

Ibsen! How very extraordinary, says Katherine. We should love to, wouldn't we David.

Yes I suppose so, says David.

See you tonight then, says Katherine. She leaves.

David opens the drawer and takes out his present. He rips off wrapping paper.

He knew it. She always buys apricot jam.