Mysterious Animal Interpretations

I have to go, says Ranger Rose. I've got pest and weed management duty.

Well, it was lovely to meet you, and thanks for Doctor Wallenius's phone number, says Unni.

That's okay. Let me know what he says, answers Rose.

Sure, says Unni, and if we see any Bristlebirds, we'll let you know.

Do you know what they look like, asks Rose?

No, says Unni. What do they look like?

Long tailed, about seventeen centimetres in size, and living on the ground. Grey with shades of brown, pale dappling on the underparts, says Rose.

Why do they wear underparnts? asks Mo.

They don't wear them, says Rose. It's their pattern.

Mo runs over to Sweezus.

Guess what? says Mo.

We know what she's going to say, so let's keep on listening to Ranger Rose, who knows about Bristlebirds.

They're called Bristlebirds, says Rose, because of the stiff hairlike feathers around the base of the beak. But we don't know exactly what the bristles are for.

How interesting, says Unni ( as she pictures hipster-style beak bristles). And they're endangered?

Critically, says Ranger Rose.

What's this about underpants? says Sweezus, coming over.

Under-pa-a-rnts, says Mo. With apple patterns.

You missed the best part, say Unni. They've got little moustaches.

Rose sighs. It's hard to get through to some people.

......

Katherine is almost asleep. It's so pleasant under this tree.

the birds singing and the grass crackling....

grass crackling ....no..... that is Ray's feet.

Couldn't find it, Ray's saying. Didn't want to go through your luggage. So I brought this instead.

He hands her his bible.

Good try.

You didn't really think I'd want to read this, Ray, says Katherine.

Some good things in there, says Ray. Open it....any page.

No, says Katherine. My book is about a lady trick rider. I don't want to confuse myself.

You like horses? says Ray. There's horses in there. Look at the concordance.

So Katherine is seduced into opening the bible, at the concordance.

Twee-oo-twee. A dull grey long-tailed bird with beak bristles trills melodically.

Plop. A bird poo drops down.

Katherine is now reading a thing in the bible about horses, which she has just turned to.

It goes: (The horse) cannot stand still at the sound of a trumpet
             When the trumpet sounds, it says 'Aha!'

The bird poo lands just ahead of the exclamation.

Now that is just charming, says Katherine. My apologies, Ray.

Prince Harry And The Bristlebirds

Katherine and Ray are sitting under a tree eating cheese and lettuce sandwiches.

Good sandwiches, observes Ray.

Yes, I can't understand why Sweezus only ate one of them, says Katherine.

Perhaps he's a vegan, says Ray.

It's not proper cheese, says Katherine.

Isn't it? says Ray, examining his sandwich more carefully.

I wonder where they've got to? says Katherine. They've been away a long time.

Funnel webs aren't easily come by, says Ray. They generally keep to themselves

I forgot you have a spider book, says Katherine. You should be joining the search.

I'll wait till Sweezus finds one, says Ray. Then I'll help him identify it.

Unless it's one of those new ones, says Katherine. It won't be in the book.

No, says Ray. But the book will help us to rule out other possibilities. Such as, is it an Atrax, or a common Hadronyche?

Good to see you sometimes have recourse to logic, says Katherine. Where is it, your book?

In the ute, says Ray. I'll get it.

Get mine for me, will you? says Katherine. It's on top of my luggage.

Ray goes back to the ute.

Katherine leans against the tree and closes her eyes.

Sun spiders dance on her eyelids.

Crimson parrots and currawongs sing. (Squawk! Twee-oo-twee!).

.......

The others have gone back with Ranger Rose to the Visitor Centre.

Ranger Rose is a young Koori woman, a member of the Indigenous Wreck Bay Community people, who manage eighty percent of the park.

You have a cool job, says Unni.

Yeah, says Ranger Rose. I met Prince Harry.

Even cooler! says Unni. What was he like?

What-was-he-like? mimics Sweezus.

Very interested in endangered species, says Ranger Rose.

He would be, says Sweezus.

Especially the Bristlebird, adds Rose, frowning at Sweezus.

Mo runs over from where she and her sisters have been looking at a diamond python.

Ranger Rose met Prince Harry, says Unni.

Did he want to marry you? asks Mo.

No, bad luck, eh? says Ranger Rose.

But he's a PRINCE, says Mo.

They don't want to marry everyone, says Unni.

No they don't, agrees Ranger Rose. So anyway, do you guys want the number of Doctor Wallenius?

Yes, please, says Unni. We think our funnel web might be like the one that he found.

You scientists? asks Rose.

Not exactly, says Unni. But Sweezus is working for Gaius Plinius Secundus, the natural historian.

Oh wow! says Ranger Rose. I've heard of him.

I'm his go-to man, says Sweezus.

He sees Unni rolling her eyes.

Yeah well... his go-to-second man, says Sweezus.

I can well understand that, says Rose.

Biodiversity And Deep Spider Thinking

Don't worry, says Sweezus, remembering what Katherine told him.

What about? asks Mo.

The spider, says Sweezus. They can't jump. Just keep still, then walk backwards.

I can't keep still and walk backwards, says Mo.

Okay, just walk backwards slowly, says Sweezus.

I found it, says Mo. It's MY funnel web spider. You wait here and I'll go and find mum.

She turns and runs away quickly.

Unni comes over.

Oh wow! says Unni. A real funnel web. Now what?

Dunno, says Sweezus. Look how it's looking at me.

It's heaps angry, says Unni. Let me take a photo. Get a bit nearer.

Sweezus thinks: yeah this would make a great photo, I could show it to Gaius.

He edges nearer.

Get down level with her face, says Unni. Now smile. Not you, Spider.

The spider is not sure what is happening. She waits for a clue.

usually what happens is someone with gloves on.....

like the bad thing that happened to her sister.....

and what's this about she can't jump? she can make a silk lining.....

....and anyway zzz ( she sinks into deep spider thinking).

So the photograph turns out quite well.

Step away, please, says someone.

Unni and Sweezus turn round.

It's a Ranger, with Mo, Faith and Joybells.

You don't want to mess with those spiders, says Ranger Rose.

Just taking a photo, says Unni. Look how it turned out.

It turned out quite well, says Ranger Rose. It looks like it's smiling.

That's me, says Sweezus.

The spider, says Ranger Rose. But yeah, you're smiling too. You must be nuts. Those things are poisonous.

Nuts, says Mo. You must be nuts.

Okay, says Sweezus. We're done now. I've got a photo.

I'm Ranger Rose, says Ranger Rose ( because she has not introduced herself ). Are you interested in funnel webs? There was another guy here, a few weeks ago, Doctor Wallenius. Doing a biodiversity study.

Cool, says Sweezus. That's kind of what we're doing.

Yeah? says Ranger Rose. Well if you see any Bristlebirds or Green and Golden Bell Frogs just give us a hoy. They're endangered.

Frogs I can handle, says Sweezus. But not Bristlebirds.

You're a weird one, says Ranger Rose.

Merve and Mark stumble through the undergrowth.

Oh here you are, kids! says Mark. I hope you haven't been getting into trouble with the ranger.

Oh no, says Ranger Rose. They've been excellent junior rangers. They came to report that they found a funnel web spider.

Oh my goodness, says Merve. Well done girls! Where is it?

In there! says Mo, pointing.

Watch out! cries Joybells. It'll bite you!

They can't jump, says Mo.

Good knowledge! says Ranger Rose.

The funnel web spider backs into her silk lined tunnel slowly.

When her sister comes home she will ask her sister what is so good about jumping.

Facing Up To A Middle Aged Spider

In Antwerp, Gaius has finished his breakfast. He calls Sweezus.

Hello, says Gaius. Is everything all right where you are?

Yes, says Sweezus. What about you? How are you going?

Not very well, says Gaius. I'm in Antwerp looking for Arthur. He's not answering his phone.

He'll have a flat battery, says Sweezus.

I thought you might be him, says Gaius.

Bad luck, says Sweezus. What did you want him for?

It's silly, says Gaius, but I wanted to tell him how I got my bicycle back. I just took it. Straight out of the kitchen, in front of their eyes. They could do nothing about it, those doctors.

Well done, says Sweezus. I guess you'd normally have got Arthur to do it.

Exactly, says Gaius. But I can't get hold of him, to tell him.

You've told me, says Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius, but it isn't the same. He's my go-to man.

I know, says Sweezus. Why don't you call Pablo?

Good idea, says Gaius. I'll do that. Well, if that's all.......

No wait, says Sweezus. There is something. The spider.

Of course! says Gaius. The spider! Have you located one?

Thing is, says Sweezus, do you have a contact number for Doctor Wallenius? I need to confirm something.

So you have found one! cries Gaius. What does it look like?

Just normal, says Sweezus. Legs, body, sort of hairy.

Gaius is suspicious.

A new species shouldn't look normal.

He wishes he were there, in Booderee National Park with Sweezus, ensuring a proper identification.

It shouldn't look normal, says Gaius.

Yeah, not totally normal, says Sweezus. Can you give me the number?

No, says Gaius, I don't have the number. But Doctor Wallenius is a biologist at ANU. Try calling the university.

Okay, thanks , says Sweezus. And you try calling Pablo.

I will, thank you, says Gaius. Let me know how you get on.

You too, says Sweezus.

Click.

You told him you'd found one, says Unni. You don't even know where to look.

It's a funnel web spider, says Sweezus. I guess I'm looking for funnels.

I bet those kids find one before you do, says Unni. Look at Mo over there, poking in that hollow log.
Hope she knows to be careful.

Sweezus goes over to where Mo is poking about in a hollow log, not being particularly careful.

Be careful, Mo, says Sweezus. They're poisonous, remember.

Look, says Mo, turning sideways. There's one up my shorts. Oh dear fuck!

Shhhhhh! says Sweezus, looking round to see if Merve or Mark are in earshot.

It's not a real one, says Mo. But look, there's a real one in there.

She points at a torn rag of web inside the hollow log.

Sweezus bends down and looks in.

The beady eyes of a thirty year old five centimetre long female funnel web spider look out.

The Blessing Of Small Oranges

The Jeep stops in Nowra. Ray is obliged to stop too.

Merve goes off to buy sandwiches, fruit and water, in case there's no shop in the Booderee National Park.

Ray still has his bag of small oranges.

We can't live the whole day on oranges, says Katherine.

What's this ? says Unni. Have we only got oranges?

Oranges, says Sweezus. I once ate three oranges, and they gave me rash on my forearms.

There you are dad, says Unni. Look what might happen.

I can eat one or two, says Sweezus. I'm just saying.

I'll go and buy something, says Katherine. Where did Merve go to get those sandwiches?

Ask her, says Ray.

Katherine goes off to ask Merve where she got the sandwiches.

Merve tells her she got them in Junction Street.

Sweezus and Unni take the opportunity to look around Nowra, and the Shoalhaven River.

(If enough time elapses, Gaius ( in Belgium) will wake up and look at his phone).

This is a cool place, says Sweezus. I wouldn't mind staying. They had the World Wakeboarding Championships here.

That was years ago, says Unni.

Yeah, but still, says Sweezus. Great place for it. Water and everything.

Funny boy, says Unni. Was that true about the rash on your forearms?

No, says Sweezus. I just wanted to cheer up your dad.

Like how would that have cheered dad up? asks Unni.

He doesn't like me, says Sweezus.

He does like you, says Unni. He just doesn't know how to show it.

And I wanted sandwiches, says Sweezus. I hope Katherine remembers I'm not vego.

They wander back to the ute, as Katherine is climbing into the cabin.

Cheese and lettuce, says Katherine. I hope that's all right with everyone.

(Fail! Cheese and lettuce)..... (and still no phone call).

Yoo-hoo! Merve waves from the Jeep. Only half an hour to the National Park. See you there! We'll go ahead and find a nice lunch spot.

Mo, Faith and Joybells can't believe it's still  half an hour till lunch time.

I'm hungry NOW, says Mo. Can we just have......anything?

You can wait, says Merve. Think of the poor children who REALLY don't have anything.

Mo thinks of the children who REALLY don't have anything. She knows who they are.

........

Gaius wakes up early in Belgium. Aha! A missed call!

Perhaps it's from Arthur.

But no. It's from Sweezus. It may be the good news that he's found the new funnel web spider, and made copious notes and numerous diagrams! He decides to savour the anticipation, and eat breakfast first.

He peels two small oranges, to eat with yesterday's bread.

Jesus's Girlfriend

Is this really a good idea, Mark? says Merve, as the Jeep drives behind the Toyota.

Yes! yes! cry the three little girls.

We've come this far, says Mark. Why not make a day of it?

But it is kind of embarrassing, says Merve. However, dear, you're the one who knows best.

Faith looks at Joybells.

Axe Twenty Nine doesn't usually work out this well.

Mo is playing with the pink and black rubber spider.

She pokes it at Faith. She makes it bite Joybells.

Mum! says Faith. She's doing it AGAIN!

Mo! says Merve. Behave or we'll turn around and go straight back home to Bowral. Then there'll be no Booderee National Park and no looking for funnel web spiders.

Mo tucks the rubber spider inside the leg of her shorts. Only three black spider legs are now visible.

That looks disgusting, says Faith.

Shut up, hisses Joybells. Jesus gave her that spider.

We don't think it was Jesus, says Merve.

It wasn't, says Faith. It was his sister.

That proves it wasn't him, girls, says Mark. Jesus doesn't have a sister.

We don't know she was his sister, says Merve. In fact, we know she wasn't. She's Ray Moon's daughter.

Point taken, says Mark. But he doesn't have a girlfriend either.

Are we arguing? says Merve. I hope were not arguing.

Of course not, says Mark.

.........

In the ute:

Happier, Ray? asks Katherine.

No, says Ray. I thought they'd changed their minds about me, but they hadn't.

Wait till they see you in action, says Katherine.

Looking for funnel web spiders? says Ray.

By their deeds shall you know them, says Katherine. Why on earth do you want to join them anyway?

They have a network, says Ray. And I miss my old congregation.

Why don't you ask Unni to help you, says Katherine. Surely they'll do what she says. Presumably they're just the usual easily-led group of naive, scared-of-death hopefuls.

Ray is astonished.

How did you know that? says Ray.

.......

In the back of the ute:

Sweezus's plait has unravelled entirely. He hopes Unni will do it again.

But Unni is talking.

What cute kids, says Unni. Sharp as tacks. Axe Twenty Nine. That was hilarious! And Mo thinking you were a pony.

I had to say that, says Sweezus. D'you reckon I got away with it?

We'll see. says Unni. If she says fuck in front of her parents, we'll know that you didn't.

Sheesh! says Sweezus. They seem pretty nice though, the parents.

Yeah, says Unni. They probably are. Anyway, it's good they're coming with us to look for funnel web spiders.

Yeah, says Sweezus. I need all the help I can get.

I know, says Unni. You've no idea what to look for, have you. What about calling up that Doctor Wallenius? Have you got a contact number?

No, I haven't, says Sweezus. Hey! Gaius might have it!

Call him, says Unni. When we get to Nowra.

.......

Nowra.

Sweezus calls Gaius.

Gaius doesn't answer, because it's still night time in Belgium.

......

Belgium:

Gaius is dreaming.

In the dream, he is escaping from the kitchen of Dr Egges and Dr Geraerts, on Schopenhauer's bicycle, which they had refused to release to him, until they had unlocked its secrets.

His phone rings.

He doesn't wake up.

My My No Way A Real Pony

What's Axe Twenty Nine? asks Sweezus.

Everyone knows what Axe Twenty Nine is, says Mo. It's in the bible.

No it ISN'T, says Joybells. You're too young to get it.

So is it a joke or what? says Sweezus.

As if there would be jokes in the bible, says Merve.

Black mark against Sweezus.

Axe, says Faith. Axe of the Apostles. If he doesn't know that, it's because he's a pony.

I want my My Little Pony, asks Mo. Mum, can I have it back now? Ple-e-e-ase!

No, Mo, I'm keeping your My Little Pony until bed time. Then we'll see.

Unni sees Sweezus looking puzzled. Yes, he's out of his depth now. He's probably never heard of the Acts of the Apostles. Why would he?

( But in fact, he's trying to get his head around 'my my' and 'your my' little pony. What's with the double possessives?)

The Acts of the Apostles! says Unni. I know it. But why Acts 29? Acts only has 28 chapters.

Da-dah! says Merve. And so therefore....?

Oh, I get it, says Unni. That's cool. You're the next chapter.

Planting more churches, says Merve, proudly. Mark's the head pastor in Bowral.

And he wouldn't employ my dad, says Unni. Well, I don't blame him.

Your dad's a good man, says Merve, but over this last year, he's lost his entire congregation.

I've got them, says Unni. They all followed me because..... for some reason.

No kidding, says Merve. Perhaps you would ....?

No way, says Unni. I've got my hands full.

 What about him? asks Merve.

What about him? asks Unni. Oh him. He's an arachnologist, We're searching for spiders.

The children look at Sweezus with respect. Spiders!

But for Merve, this is a second black mark against Sweezus.

No way the real Jesus would focus on a particular species.

She goes round to the front of the ute to deliver her verdict.

Have you caught any spiders? asks Joybells.

Not yet, says Sweezus.

I've got this one, says Unni.

She pulls the rubber spider out of her back pack, and makes its legs jiggle.

That's not REAL, says Mo.

Nor is your My Little Pony, says Faith. But you LOVE it.

It IS real, says Mo.

Sweezus is fiddling about with his plait. It's half undone already.

Can I pat you? asks Mo.

Fuck no, says Sweezus. I mean.....no. Sorry little girl. We ponies sometimes say rude words but that doesn't mean you should say them.

I know, says Mo. My My Little Pony calls my sister a Pig's Bottom.

My-my? says Sweezus.

Uni shoots him a look.

That's rude too, says Sweezus. Pig's bottom.

No one says anything. From the front of the ute comes the sound of Katherine laughing.

Mo, Faith and Joybells gaze up at the man who has said a rude word and blamed it on being a pony.

Mum said he might turn out to be special.