Arne-Doppelganger has stopped in Senlis to mend a puncture.
It's not all that simple.
The bicycle is real but he is a virtual rider.
Gaius skids to halt alongside him.
At last! says Gaius. I see you have a puncture. Am I right in thinking we might be here for some time?
It's funny to see his own face scowling at him, while Arne's voice whines and crackles.
How about YOU give me a .....? crackle crackle.
I shall be wandering about in the Chantilly Forest says Gaius. Call me if you need me.
He wheels his own bicycle down the sign-posted path to the Forest.
What a beautiful forest. Six thousand hectares of woodland. Oaks, chestnuts, birdlife, water rats. Large fishponds, built by Cistercian monks in the thirteenth century. Gaius sits down beside a wide sandy track.
'Chevaux de galop sur la piste'.
Lucky he is sitting. The horses of the Aga Khan gallop by at top speed, kicking sand all over his apple.
Hey! says Gaius. But the horses and jockeys are gone.
Gaius wheels his bike back to where Arne is still peering at the puncture.
What is your opinion of privilege? asks Gaius.
Crackle crackle, says Arne.
Of course, says Gaius, that would be your opinion.
Turn me off, will you, says Arne unexpectedly. This button.
Gaius turns off the sound.
Now it is just Gaius and Virtual Gaius looking at the puncture.
I despise all luxury and privilege, says Virtual Gaius.
Really? says Gaius. So do I. Would you like a hand with the puncture?
Thank you, says Virtual Gaius.
........
A long way further south, Vello and David have just pulled into Auxerre.
Excellent, says Vello. We've made a good distance today.
Are we stopping? asks David, puffing.
I think so, for now, says Vello. What would you like to do, Terence?
I would like to go to Balance, says Terence. Because Willy the Wind is there.
We're not going to Valence, says Vello. I thought you would ask for a chocolate bar, or a milk shake.
That's what I would like, says David.
Later, says Vello. Seeing young Terence isn't hungry, I should like to see the frescoes.
Are they horses? asks Terence.
No, they are ninth century paintings on a wall in the crypt of the Abbey of Saint Germain d'Auxerre, the oldest wall paintings in France, says Vello.
Are they paintings of horses? asks Terence.
I don't think so, says Vello. But let us go down there and see.
It is dark and creepy down in the crypt of the Abbey of Saint Germain d'Auxerre.
The ancient wall paintings flicker and fade in the dim light of candles. It smells like damp stone.
I WOULD like a milk shake, says Terence.
Look, says David. A saint. Which one is it?
Saint Stephen, says Vello, reading. First Christian martyr. He's being stoned for blasphemy.
Terence looks at Saint Stephen. He looks like someone he knows. Poor Saint Stephen. His head is bleeding. And a hand is poking down from the clouds.
That is the hand of God, says Vello.
Wooh! It's Grandpa, throwing a stone at Saint Stephen!
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Napoleon and Terence the Fearless
Gaius rides angrily through Roissy-en-France.
Arne-Doppelganger is way ahead in the distance.
Gaius is determined to catch him, and make him swap bikes.
After all, thinks Gaius, it's virtually my bicycle. Schopenhauer left it with me. Why do they need it?
These thoughts race through his head as he flies through the country.
Now Arne-Doppelganger speeds into the town of Senlis. Will he stop there?
Gaius hopes so. It looks charming, and the Chantilly Forest is nearby.
One might find interesting specimens in an ancient French forest. Specimens of flora and fauna.
Arne-Doppelganger stops.
He has a puncture.
Gaius thinks: This is a great piece of luck.
........
Montereau-Fault-Yonne (where the Yonne falls into the Seine).
On the town bridge there, long ago, in 1419 ( in September), John the Fearless was killed.
We can blame Tanneguy du Chastel and the Sire de Barbazan for that crime or service, which happened in the course of an interview with the dauphin (later Charles VII).
An interview, we may gather, that took place on the bridge.
Dauphin: Who's that going trip trap over my bridge!
John the Fearless: Me, John the Fearless.
Tanneguy du Chastel: Nick off, John! I'll give you Fearless.
etcetera.
Of course I was not there.
Nor was Napoleon, who might also have had an opinion.
Vello and David wheel their bicycles onto the bridge, to show Terence the statue.
Here we are, Terence, says Vello. Napoleon on horseback!
Napoleon looks down. Terence looks upwards.
What a dear little face, thinks Napoleon. Reminds me of me as a child.
He smiles down on the cement curls of Terence.
What's so funny? says Terence.
Napoleon doesn't answer.
Are you in the circus? asks Terence.
The circus? Why does the infant think that?
Circus? says Vello. Why the circus?
His funny clown's hat, says Terence.
Napoleon shifts in his saddle. Who is this cheeky young whipper snapper?
We had a circus in Barcelona, says Terence. You were in it.
Napoleon glowers.
I lived in a palace, says Terence.
He's not a clown, he's an Emperor, hisses Vello.
Which is better? says Terence. A prince or a clown?
Vello and David decide that it's time to move on from the bridge.
Napoleon adjusts his clown hat with his pointing finger.
When the finger comes down, it is no longer pointing towards Vienna.
......but towards Barcelona.
Arne-Doppelganger is way ahead in the distance.
Gaius is determined to catch him, and make him swap bikes.
After all, thinks Gaius, it's virtually my bicycle. Schopenhauer left it with me. Why do they need it?
These thoughts race through his head as he flies through the country.
Now Arne-Doppelganger speeds into the town of Senlis. Will he stop there?
Gaius hopes so. It looks charming, and the Chantilly Forest is nearby.
One might find interesting specimens in an ancient French forest. Specimens of flora and fauna.
Arne-Doppelganger stops.
He has a puncture.
Gaius thinks: This is a great piece of luck.
........
Montereau-Fault-Yonne (where the Yonne falls into the Seine).
On the town bridge there, long ago, in 1419 ( in September), John the Fearless was killed.
We can blame Tanneguy du Chastel and the Sire de Barbazan for that crime or service, which happened in the course of an interview with the dauphin (later Charles VII).
An interview, we may gather, that took place on the bridge.
Dauphin: Who's that going trip trap over my bridge!
John the Fearless: Me, John the Fearless.
Tanneguy du Chastel: Nick off, John! I'll give you Fearless.
etcetera.
Of course I was not there.
Nor was Napoleon, who might also have had an opinion.
Vello and David wheel their bicycles onto the bridge, to show Terence the statue.
Here we are, Terence, says Vello. Napoleon on horseback!
Napoleon looks down. Terence looks upwards.
What a dear little face, thinks Napoleon. Reminds me of me as a child.
He smiles down on the cement curls of Terence.
What's so funny? says Terence.
Napoleon doesn't answer.
Are you in the circus? asks Terence.
The circus? Why does the infant think that?
Circus? says Vello. Why the circus?
His funny clown's hat, says Terence.
Napoleon shifts in his saddle. Who is this cheeky young whipper snapper?
We had a circus in Barcelona, says Terence. You were in it.
Napoleon glowers.
I lived in a palace, says Terence.
He's not a clown, he's an Emperor, hisses Vello.
Which is better? says Terence. A prince or a clown?
Vello and David decide that it's time to move on from the bridge.
Napoleon adjusts his clown hat with his pointing finger.
When the finger comes down, it is no longer pointing towards Vienna.
......but towards Barcelona.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Giving The Imperial Finger
Belle and Sweezus are drinking cafés au lait at Les Deux Magots, where Hemingway drank with Fitzgerald.
I wonder how Gaius is going? says Belle.
Why? asks Sweezus. Won't he be on his way home?
No, says Belle. He's going back to Utrecht with both the bicycles. He doesn't want to.
When you say bicycles, says Sweezus, you mean including the.... other one? The one with....
You can say it, says Belle. The one with the virtual rider.
Oh, Arne, says Sweezus.
Yes, apparently both bicycles have to be returned to the Utrecht University Museum, says Belle.
D'you miss him? asks Sweezus.
Who? says Belle. Gaius? Are you kidding?
Arne, says Sweezus.
No, it's over, says Belle. It wasn't really him anyway, only his voice, and that kept breaking up.
That's what I thought, says Sweezus, nodding and swallowing.
Anyway, says Belle, Gaius will get over it. And he'll love it once he gets there. There's a Paleomagnetic Lab that Arne's going to show him. It's in an old fort in the University Botanical Gardens. Fort Hoofddjik.
Sweezus chokes on his coffee, and Belle thinks he is laughing at Hoofddjik.
It's a funny name. Maybe he is.
.......
Vello and David have made good time to Melun, which is 41km out of Paris.
Melun, says David. Shall we stop for a snack here?
Yes, says Terence. Stop for a melon.
They stop, but to Terence's disappointment, no melon.
Vello and David order coffee and chocolate croissants.
I want melon, says Terence. This place is called melon.
No melon, says David. There is no melon to be had.
My palace was loaded with melons, says Terence. Bright pink ones.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. On the ladies!
Vello, old chap, says David. I don't think that was appropriate ....
Well, says Vello, if Terence is going to be awkward....
Have a bite of my chocolate croissant, little fellow, says David, waving the end of his, which is moistened with spittle.
Yuck, says Terence. When are we going?
Now, says Vello, standing up. We are heading for Montereau. You'll like Montereau. There's a bridge with a statue of a famous man on a horse.
Is it Napoleon? asks David.
You spoilt it, says Vello.
Off they go, to Montereau, on their bicycles, another 41km down the road, through French scenery.
Montereau-Fault-Yonne: They stop at the bridge.
A lovely old stone bridge over the Yonne.
Napoleon sits on his horse, pointing towards Vienna with his imperial finger.
I wonder how Gaius is going? says Belle.
Why? asks Sweezus. Won't he be on his way home?
No, says Belle. He's going back to Utrecht with both the bicycles. He doesn't want to.
When you say bicycles, says Sweezus, you mean including the.... other one? The one with....
You can say it, says Belle. The one with the virtual rider.
Oh, Arne, says Sweezus.
Yes, apparently both bicycles have to be returned to the Utrecht University Museum, says Belle.
D'you miss him? asks Sweezus.
Who? says Belle. Gaius? Are you kidding?
Arne, says Sweezus.
No, it's over, says Belle. It wasn't really him anyway, only his voice, and that kept breaking up.
That's what I thought, says Sweezus, nodding and swallowing.
Anyway, says Belle, Gaius will get over it. And he'll love it once he gets there. There's a Paleomagnetic Lab that Arne's going to show him. It's in an old fort in the University Botanical Gardens. Fort Hoofddjik.
Sweezus chokes on his coffee, and Belle thinks he is laughing at Hoofddjik.
It's a funny name. Maybe he is.
.......
Vello and David have made good time to Melun, which is 41km out of Paris.
Melun, says David. Shall we stop for a snack here?
Yes, says Terence. Stop for a melon.
They stop, but to Terence's disappointment, no melon.
Vello and David order coffee and chocolate croissants.
I want melon, says Terence. This place is called melon.
No melon, says David. There is no melon to be had.
My palace was loaded with melons, says Terence. Bright pink ones.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. On the ladies!
Vello, old chap, says David. I don't think that was appropriate ....
Well, says Vello, if Terence is going to be awkward....
Have a bite of my chocolate croissant, little fellow, says David, waving the end of his, which is moistened with spittle.
Yuck, says Terence. When are we going?
Now, says Vello, standing up. We are heading for Montereau. You'll like Montereau. There's a bridge with a statue of a famous man on a horse.
Is it Napoleon? asks David.
You spoilt it, says Vello.
Off they go, to Montereau, on their bicycles, another 41km down the road, through French scenery.
Montereau-Fault-Yonne: They stop at the bridge.
A lovely old stone bridge over the Yonne.
Napoleon sits on his horse, pointing towards Vienna with his imperial finger.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Why Willy?
It's good the Tour is over.
That's what Sweezus thinks.
He wonders what Belle will do now.
There she is, sitting with Terence, eating macarons, on a park bench in Paris, under a plane tree.
Arne-Doppelganger is nowhere in sight.
Sweezus wanders over, acting casual.
Hi Sweezie, says Belle. Like one of these?
Yeah, thanks, says Sweezus, taking a pink one, his favourite.
Guess what! says Terence.
I guess you'll be staying in Paris, says Sweezus.
Guess WHAT! says Terence.
No, says Belle. I'll be heading off soon.
Yeah? says Sweezus.
GUESS WHAT! says Terence.
What? Spit it out! says Sweezus.
Terence looks at Belle.
Will she say Sweezus is rude? (Because he IS!)
No, she is wiping a crumb from her lips as though nothing has happened.
I'm going back to see Willy, says Terence.
He isn't, says Belle. He's going to Ferney.
With you? asks Sweezus.
No with papa and David, says Belle. And you and I.......
You and me? says Sweezus.
Yes, you and I are going back to take charge of the office, says Belle.
Cool! says Sweezus. ( Really cool. And she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend.)
I'M GOING BACK TO SEE WILLY! shouts Terence.
Good luck with that, says Belle. Valence is a long way away. And Papa won't take any nonsense.
Willy, says Sweezus. Who's Willy?
Willy the WIND, says Terence. He had no pants.
I hope that's not why he's called Willy, says Belle.
Willy, says Terence, flipping his lap lap.
Papa will be along in a minute, says Belle . They're setting off straight away. Oh, how I used to love Ferney. It had such a beautiful garden.
Here comes Vello now, with David.
David has a child's seat fixed on the back of his bike.
Hello, says Vello. Is Terence ready for his big adventure?
Yes, says Belle. All ready. Goodbye Terence. Be good.
Terence is buckled into the child's seat.
His lap lap gets hitched up in the strap.
Bye bye dear, says Vello, giving Belle a peck on the cheek.
Have a lovely time, says Belle. Send me photos.
Vello rides off, followed by David, with Terence behind.
His bum's showing, says Sweezus.
Not my problem, says Belle.
Nor mine, says Sweezus.
Not any more, says Belle. Here, have another, there's one more pink one.
Sweezus takes the last macaron.
That's what Sweezus thinks.
He wonders what Belle will do now.
There she is, sitting with Terence, eating macarons, on a park bench in Paris, under a plane tree.
Arne-Doppelganger is nowhere in sight.
Sweezus wanders over, acting casual.
Hi Sweezie, says Belle. Like one of these?
Yeah, thanks, says Sweezus, taking a pink one, his favourite.
Guess what! says Terence.
I guess you'll be staying in Paris, says Sweezus.
Guess WHAT! says Terence.
No, says Belle. I'll be heading off soon.
Yeah? says Sweezus.
GUESS WHAT! says Terence.
What? Spit it out! says Sweezus.
Terence looks at Belle.
Will she say Sweezus is rude? (Because he IS!)
No, she is wiping a crumb from her lips as though nothing has happened.
I'm going back to see Willy, says Terence.
He isn't, says Belle. He's going to Ferney.
With you? asks Sweezus.
No with papa and David, says Belle. And you and I.......
You and me? says Sweezus.
Yes, you and I are going back to take charge of the office, says Belle.
Cool! says Sweezus. ( Really cool. And she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend.)
I'M GOING BACK TO SEE WILLY! shouts Terence.
Good luck with that, says Belle. Valence is a long way away. And Papa won't take any nonsense.
Willy, says Sweezus. Who's Willy?
Willy the WIND, says Terence. He had no pants.
I hope that's not why he's called Willy, says Belle.
Willy, says Terence, flipping his lap lap.
Papa will be along in a minute, says Belle . They're setting off straight away. Oh, how I used to love Ferney. It had such a beautiful garden.
Here comes Vello now, with David.
David has a child's seat fixed on the back of his bike.
Hello, says Vello. Is Terence ready for his big adventure?
Yes, says Belle. All ready. Goodbye Terence. Be good.
Terence is buckled into the child's seat.
His lap lap gets hitched up in the strap.
Bye bye dear, says Vello, giving Belle a peck on the cheek.
Have a lovely time, says Belle. Send me photos.
Vello rides off, followed by David, with Terence behind.
His bum's showing, says Sweezus.
Not my problem, says Belle.
Nor mine, says Sweezus.
Not any more, says Belle. Here, have another, there's one more pink one.
Sweezus takes the last macaron.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Stage 21 : Sèvres to Paris Champs-Elysées - Endings
Alas, it is raining.
This makes all the teams damp.
Nothing to do but keep pedalling as the drips fall behind you.
Pedal pedal
gloom gloom
the winner is
(most probably)
Froome.
The thoughts of the riders turn to the future.
Andre Greipel: If I win today I will thank my team and my family.
Froomey: What will I do without Richie?
Richie Porte: Freedom from Froomey!
Vello: David, what would you say to a nice little trip down to Ferney?
David: Ferney?
Vello: My old home.
David: Are you known there? It could be quite irritating.
Vello: Not for me. And yes, I am well known there. Its full name is Ferney-Voltaire.
David: Good grief! I'll give it a miss if you don't mind, old fellow.
Vello: No no, you must come. I've a delightful chateau in Ferney. It's very close to the Swiss border. And you know, the Swiss make fine chocolate...
( Unfair! When it's miserably raining, who can resist chocolate?)
David: All right. I'll come with you.
Gaius too is thinking of after the Tour.
He rides up close to Arthur. Squelch Squelch.
Gaius: Arthur, I was wondering.....
Arthur: No. I'm going with Pablo to a poetry slam in Belgium.
Gaius: Then I shall have to return this bicycle to the Utrecht Museum myself.
Arthur: Get Arne to do it. He has to go back there.
Gaius: Arthur, you're a life saver!
He drops back level with Arne-Doppelganger.
Gaius: Arne, now that the Tour is over.....
Arne-Doppelganger: Nearly over. Froomey hasn't won yet.
Gaius: I think we can safely say that he has. Would you consider returning this bike that I borrowed?
Arne-Doppelganger: I can't ride two bikes! Impossible!
Gaius: No, obviously, I'll take Schopenhauer's bike back to Adelaide.
Arne-Doppelganger: Sorry, no you won't. Not allowed. Crackle crackle.
Gaius: Outrageous! Where are you going? Come back!
An announcement is made. The winner is already decided, due to the weather.
Gloom gloom
the winner is
(definitely)
Froome
And now, the sun shines through the clouds. It is fine on the Champs-Elysées. The famous trees glisten.
Andre Greipel wins the final stage, in a fast bunch sprint finish.
Well done, André Greipel!
On the podium, André thanks his team and his family.
But we knew he would do that already.
This makes all the teams damp.
Nothing to do but keep pedalling as the drips fall behind you.
Pedal pedal
gloom gloom
the winner is
(most probably)
Froome.
The thoughts of the riders turn to the future.
Andre Greipel: If I win today I will thank my team and my family.
Froomey: What will I do without Richie?
Richie Porte: Freedom from Froomey!
Vello: David, what would you say to a nice little trip down to Ferney?
David: Ferney?
Vello: My old home.
David: Are you known there? It could be quite irritating.
Vello: Not for me. And yes, I am well known there. Its full name is Ferney-Voltaire.
David: Good grief! I'll give it a miss if you don't mind, old fellow.
Vello: No no, you must come. I've a delightful chateau in Ferney. It's very close to the Swiss border. And you know, the Swiss make fine chocolate...
( Unfair! When it's miserably raining, who can resist chocolate?)
David: All right. I'll come with you.
Gaius too is thinking of after the Tour.
He rides up close to Arthur. Squelch Squelch.
Gaius: Arthur, I was wondering.....
Arthur: No. I'm going with Pablo to a poetry slam in Belgium.
Gaius: Then I shall have to return this bicycle to the Utrecht Museum myself.
Arthur: Get Arne to do it. He has to go back there.
Gaius: Arthur, you're a life saver!
He drops back level with Arne-Doppelganger.
Gaius: Arne, now that the Tour is over.....
Arne-Doppelganger: Nearly over. Froomey hasn't won yet.
Gaius: I think we can safely say that he has. Would you consider returning this bike that I borrowed?
Arne-Doppelganger: I can't ride two bikes! Impossible!
Gaius: No, obviously, I'll take Schopenhauer's bike back to Adelaide.
Arne-Doppelganger: Sorry, no you won't. Not allowed. Crackle crackle.
Gaius: Outrageous! Where are you going? Come back!
An announcement is made. The winner is already decided, due to the weather.
Gloom gloom
the winner is
(definitely)
Froome
And now, the sun shines through the clouds. It is fine on the Champs-Elysées. The famous trees glisten.
Andre Greipel wins the final stage, in a fast bunch sprint finish.
Well done, André Greipel!
On the podium, André thanks his team and his family.
But we knew he would do that already.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Stage 20 : Modone Valfréjus to Alpe d'Huez - Motivation
Last day to beat Froomey.
Who will try?
Not Team Philosophe.
Team Philosophe is taking it easy on their way up the Croix-de-Fer.
Vello: One more day and we'll be in Paris.
David: Not a day too soon.
Vello; Of course not. That would be pointless.
David: Ha ha, very good. Young Geniez looks like he's trying.
Vello: O to be young again!
David: Not too young. Have you seen Terence lately? He's sporting a Day of the Dead lap lap.
Vello: I know. Belle made it out of a cushion cover. Very handy with her needle.
David: Apparently the grinning skull put the wind up Nairo Quintano.
Vello: That may have been helpful.
David: We'll find out at the end of the day.
Team Condor is also not trying too hard on the penultimate day.
Sweezus: Come on guys, at least make a showing.
Arthur: We are making a showing.
Pablo: We're still here at least.
Arthur: Anyway, you've increased your brand reach. Look at the road.
Sweezus (looking at the road): S-W-E-Z-O-O
Arthur: That's you, famous.
Sweezus: They spelled it wrong.
Pablo: Look on the bright side.
Sweezus: What is it?
Pablo: It doesn't say F-R-O-O-M
After the summit, everyone rides down hill rapidly.
Then it's the final ascent up the legendary Alpe d'Huez.
Froomey is still going strong.
Can no one beat Froomey?
Alberto can't do it. Not this year.
Alberto: Next year I shall not do the Giro. I shall do the Tour and then the Olympics.
Rafal Majka: Bravo Alberto! Extramotivados!
Valverde and Quintana attack Froome.
Pinot rides away. He keeps going, courageous.
Quintana rides hard. He gains time on Froomey.
But Froome still has a 1.12 advantage.
Pinot comes first at the Top of Alpe d'Huez, to the joy of the French.
But now nothing (much) can stop Froomey
from being number one on the podium
in Paris tomorrow
to the joy of
his (many)
admirers.......
Who will try?
Not Team Philosophe.
Team Philosophe is taking it easy on their way up the Croix-de-Fer.
Vello: One more day and we'll be in Paris.
David: Not a day too soon.
Vello; Of course not. That would be pointless.
David: Ha ha, very good. Young Geniez looks like he's trying.
Vello: O to be young again!
David: Not too young. Have you seen Terence lately? He's sporting a Day of the Dead lap lap.
Vello: I know. Belle made it out of a cushion cover. Very handy with her needle.
David: Apparently the grinning skull put the wind up Nairo Quintano.
Vello: That may have been helpful.
David: We'll find out at the end of the day.
Team Condor is also not trying too hard on the penultimate day.
Sweezus: Come on guys, at least make a showing.
Arthur: We are making a showing.
Pablo: We're still here at least.
Arthur: Anyway, you've increased your brand reach. Look at the road.
Sweezus (looking at the road): S-W-E-Z-O-O
Arthur: That's you, famous.
Sweezus: They spelled it wrong.
Pablo: Look on the bright side.
Sweezus: What is it?
Pablo: It doesn't say F-R-O-O-M
After the summit, everyone rides down hill rapidly.
Then it's the final ascent up the legendary Alpe d'Huez.
Froomey is still going strong.
Can no one beat Froomey?
Alberto can't do it. Not this year.
Alberto: Next year I shall not do the Giro. I shall do the Tour and then the Olympics.
Rafal Majka: Bravo Alberto! Extramotivados!
Valverde and Quintana attack Froome.
Pinot rides away. He keeps going, courageous.
Quintana rides hard. He gains time on Froomey.
But Froome still has a 1.12 advantage.
Pinot comes first at the Top of Alpe d'Huez, to the joy of the French.
But now nothing (much) can stop Froomey
from being number one on the podium
in Paris tomorrow
to the joy of
his (many)
admirers.......
Stage 19 : Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne to La Toussuire - Predictions
Another day in the freaking Alps.
Let's just say everyone is tired.
Vincenzo Nibali however has an advantage.
The Eight Tenths Knowing Dog has predicted......
.....but shh! It is best not to broadcast, in case it should change the outcome.
Although we know that Sweezus overheard something interesting yesterday...
...and he has told Gaius, and Gaius has told Arthur, and naturally Arthur has told Pablo.
But Pablo hasn't told anyone, because he admires Vincenzo Nibali, and wants to keep it a secret.
Vincenzo attacks.
Go Vincenzo!
Froomey is having a mechanical.
Froomey is mad.
Vincenzo has seen him having the mechanical and chosen just that moment......
Some people don't behave in the proper spirit of the Tour, thinks Froomey.
(Some people are inspired by the DOG)
Vincenzo wins the Stage and the glory.
And this should tell you something.
It is at least eight tenths possible to know what is going to happen.
Unless someone is lying.
Let's just say everyone is tired.
Vincenzo Nibali however has an advantage.
The Eight Tenths Knowing Dog has predicted......
.....but shh! It is best not to broadcast, in case it should change the outcome.
Although we know that Sweezus overheard something interesting yesterday...
...and he has told Gaius, and Gaius has told Arthur, and naturally Arthur has told Pablo.
But Pablo hasn't told anyone, because he admires Vincenzo Nibali, and wants to keep it a secret.
Vincenzo attacks.
Go Vincenzo!
Froomey is having a mechanical.
Froomey is mad.
Vincenzo has seen him having the mechanical and chosen just that moment......
Some people don't behave in the proper spirit of the Tour, thinks Froomey.
(Some people are inspired by the DOG)
Vincenzo wins the Stage and the glory.
And this should tell you something.
It is at least eight tenths possible to know what is going to happen.
Unless someone is lying.
Stage 18 : Gap to Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne - Eight Tenths Knowing
Another day of tough climbing.
Team Condor is struggling.
Arthur and Pablo are lagging.
That's what skinned knees will do for a rider.
Sweezus is riding behind Vincenzo Nibali and Surfing-With-Whales.
The wind blows their words towards him.
That's what wind will do, for the person behind.
The words heard by Sweezus, on the way up the Col du Glandon:
Vincenzo Nibali: So you say tomorrow?
Surfing-With-Whales: Not me, my dog.
Vincenco Nibali: What did he say exactly?
Surfing-With-Whales: Nibali should play his cards right.
Vincenzo Nibali: ....and Nibali will win?
Surfing-With-Whales: Not sure, chief. Another tooth's come loose. But I think so.
Vincenzo Nibali: Hmm. The All Knowing Dog. This is truly worth considering.
( Romain Bardet whizzes past )
Surfing-With-Whales: Eight Tenths Knowing.
Vincenzo Nibali: Eight Tenths is Four Fifths, you know. It cancels down.
Surfing-With-Whales: That's what I told him, but he prefers Eight Tenths.
Vincenzo Nibali: I suppose it sounds more important. Can't blame him for that.
Surfing-With-Whales: True. Pure Maths isn't everything.
Pierre Rolland (another French man) whizzes by.
Vincenzo Nibali: Tomorrow then. I may not bother much more for today.
Surfing-With-Whales: No, I wouldn't. Those two French guys have nailed this one.
Team Condor is struggling.
Arthur and Pablo are lagging.
That's what skinned knees will do for a rider.
Sweezus is riding behind Vincenzo Nibali and Surfing-With-Whales.
The wind blows their words towards him.
That's what wind will do, for the person behind.
The words heard by Sweezus, on the way up the Col du Glandon:
Vincenzo Nibali: So you say tomorrow?
Surfing-With-Whales: Not me, my dog.
Vincenco Nibali: What did he say exactly?
Surfing-With-Whales: Nibali should play his cards right.
Vincenzo Nibali: ....and Nibali will win?
Surfing-With-Whales: Not sure, chief. Another tooth's come loose. But I think so.
Vincenzo Nibali: Hmm. The All Knowing Dog. This is truly worth considering.
( Romain Bardet whizzes past )
Surfing-With-Whales: Eight Tenths Knowing.
Vincenzo Nibali: Eight Tenths is Four Fifths, you know. It cancels down.
Surfing-With-Whales: That's what I told him, but he prefers Eight Tenths.
Vincenzo Nibali: I suppose it sounds more important. Can't blame him for that.
Surfing-With-Whales: True. Pure Maths isn't everything.
Pierre Rolland (another French man) whizzes by.
Vincenzo Nibali: Tomorrow then. I may not bother much more for today.
Surfing-With-Whales: No, I wouldn't. Those two French guys have nailed this one.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Stage 17 : Digne-les-Bains to Pra Loup - Tragedies
Today there are mountains to conquer, which could change everything.
Teejay van Garderen is already having a headache.
Alberto Contador is hatching a plan.
Nairo Quintano is glad that he practiced at home before coming.
Team Condor is riding with Team Philosophe in the middle of the peloton.
No one is trying too hard.
They pass Tejay van Garderen at 91km. He has tragically stopped to abandon.
Sic transit, says Gaius.
........gloria mundi, says Arthur, who did Latin at school.
I KNOW her! says Terence popping his head up from Arne-Doppelganger's basket.
Gloria Mundy! She used to have tea with the Virgin.
Ha ha, says Vello. Gloria Mundy having tea with the Virgin. Who played mother?
Yes shut up, Terence, says Sweezus. Pull your head in.
Terence doesn't see why he should. He stays upright, shifting to look at the scenery.
Woo! says Terence. Watch out!
Arne-Doppelganger swerves, and rights himself.
You are too heavy, wearing this ribbon, says Arne. You nearly caused me an upset.
Yes, says Terence. It's heavy for me too. And not bendy. It sticks out here, see?
He turns in the basket, and the end of the stone ribbon clips Arthur, who loses his balance and falls towards Pablo who also falls off.
See, says Terence.
Bugger! says Sweezus. There go my two best riders!
Gaius looks sour. Who has done all the donkey work?
.......
Later, the stage being over:
Simon Geschke of Team Giant Alpecin has won, and not Thibaut Pinot.
Alberto has lost two more minutes, due to a crash on the descent from the col d'Allos.
And other various tragedies.
(Arthur and Pablo both have skinned knees).
Belle decides there is time to take Terence shorts shopping .
Not in Pra Loup, a ski resort, but in nearby Barcelonette, in the Ubay valley.
Barcelonette is an ancient town, settled by Ligurians, Celts, Romans, French and, in the 19th and 20th centuries, by Mexicans.
Terence is excited. Barcelonette! It must be like Barcelona!
But it isn't. It's smaller. And there isn't a palace, or a Virgin.
Belle finds a Mexican shop called La Baita.
The shop is full of Mexican clothing, colourful artifacts, homewares and knicknacks.
Look around, Terence, says Belle, and choose something you like.
Terence pokes around, looking for something familiar.
Ah! A scary Dia de Muertos grinning skull face!
I want that one, says Terence.
But it's a cushion cover, says Belle.
Wah! wails Terence.
Oh all right, says Belle . We'll take it. I'll make it into a lap lap.
A happy ending for someone at least.
Teejay van Garderen is already having a headache.
Alberto Contador is hatching a plan.
Nairo Quintano is glad that he practiced at home before coming.
Team Condor is riding with Team Philosophe in the middle of the peloton.
No one is trying too hard.
They pass Tejay van Garderen at 91km. He has tragically stopped to abandon.
Sic transit, says Gaius.
........gloria mundi, says Arthur, who did Latin at school.
I KNOW her! says Terence popping his head up from Arne-Doppelganger's basket.
Gloria Mundy! She used to have tea with the Virgin.
Ha ha, says Vello. Gloria Mundy having tea with the Virgin. Who played mother?
Yes shut up, Terence, says Sweezus. Pull your head in.
Terence doesn't see why he should. He stays upright, shifting to look at the scenery.
Woo! says Terence. Watch out!
Arne-Doppelganger swerves, and rights himself.
You are too heavy, wearing this ribbon, says Arne. You nearly caused me an upset.
Yes, says Terence. It's heavy for me too. And not bendy. It sticks out here, see?
He turns in the basket, and the end of the stone ribbon clips Arthur, who loses his balance and falls towards Pablo who also falls off.
See, says Terence.
Bugger! says Sweezus. There go my two best riders!
Gaius looks sour. Who has done all the donkey work?
.......
Later, the stage being over:
Simon Geschke of Team Giant Alpecin has won, and not Thibaut Pinot.
Alberto has lost two more minutes, due to a crash on the descent from the col d'Allos.
And other various tragedies.
(Arthur and Pablo both have skinned knees).
Belle decides there is time to take Terence shorts shopping .
Not in Pra Loup, a ski resort, but in nearby Barcelonette, in the Ubay valley.
Barcelonette is an ancient town, settled by Ligurians, Celts, Romans, French and, in the 19th and 20th centuries, by Mexicans.
Terence is excited. Barcelonette! It must be like Barcelona!
But it isn't. It's smaller. And there isn't a palace, or a Virgin.
Belle finds a Mexican shop called La Baita.
The shop is full of Mexican clothing, colourful artifacts, homewares and knicknacks.
Look around, Terence, says Belle, and choose something you like.
Terence pokes around, looking for something familiar.
Ah! A scary Dia de Muertos grinning skull face!
I want that one, says Terence.
But it's a cushion cover, says Belle.
Wah! wails Terence.
Oh all right, says Belle . We'll take it. I'll make it into a lap lap.
A happy ending for someone at least.
Tour de France Rest Day: Gap - Contador's Fork
Valence is a long way from Gap, where the Tour is now having a rest day.
Belle gets up early.
Now, papa, says Belle, Arne and I will be back before lunch time with Terence. All you have to do is find the park. And David can bring the hamper. Here's the bread. And the wine's in the cooler. Bye bye.
Bye bye, dear, mumbles Vello, rolling over and falling asleep again.
......
Later, in the park, at the end of Avenue Maréchal Foch, on the grass beside the river Luye, under shady trees ..... (yes, Vello was listening):
Sweezus: When did she say she'd get back?
Vello: Any time now. Have some black olives and walnuts.
David: And a glass of Clairette.
Sweezus: Olives? Walnuts?
Arthur: I will, if he won't.
Pablo: I don't like walnuts, what else is there?
Vello: For goodness sake, look in the hamper.
Pablo (looking) : Bleu de Vercours Sassenage cheese! And Picodon!
Gaius: Any fish?
Pablo: This looks like a trout.
Gaius: Excellent. Any one got a fork?
No one has a fork. Belle doesn't appear to have packed one.
Luckily, just at this moment Alberto Contador passes by, wheeling his bicycle and chewing on a churro, deep in thought. (Alberto, not the churro).
Vello: Morning, Alberto!
Alberto: Hola, mis amigos!
Pablo (in Spanish) : Don't suppose you have a fork on you, Alberto?
Alberto (also in Spanish): It is your lucky day. They have packed a fork into my lunch box with my churros. I do not need it. I will give it to you.
What a gentleman; Everyone says so.
Pablo: What do you think of your chances, Alberto?
Alberto: The peloton becomes tired. I feel stronger. I will be attacking. I want first place on the podium in Paris.
Pablo: Good luck to you, Alberto.
Alberto: Thank you, my friend.
Alberto wheels away with his bicycle. still chewing his churro.
Gaius stabs at the trout, with Alberto Contador's fork.
Soon Belle arrives, with Arne-Doppelganger and Terence.
Terence: Look at me! I'm wearing a snake!
Sweezus: It's a ribbon. Awesome. How does it stand up like that?
Belle: He won't take it off.
Vello: Hello, Terence. Did you have a good time in Valence?
Terence: I made a new friend. He's called Willy. He lives on top of an archway, in a triangle. He's got my shorts and I've got his snake. It's not a ribbon. See, a snake face.
Vello (peering indulgently): Oh yes, a snake face. Ssss!
Belle: Don't humour him papa. We need to find him a new pair of shorts.
Terence: NO! Okay, it's a ribbon.
Belle: We'll see.
But now it is time for the honey and apricots, the melons and nougat, the famous Valrhona chocolate,
and more Côtes du Rhône wine, and sparkling Clairette de Die.
All in all, an excellent picnic.
Although Sweezus would kill for a churro.
Belle gets up early.
Now, papa, says Belle, Arne and I will be back before lunch time with Terence. All you have to do is find the park. And David can bring the hamper. Here's the bread. And the wine's in the cooler. Bye bye.
Bye bye, dear, mumbles Vello, rolling over and falling asleep again.
......
Later, in the park, at the end of Avenue Maréchal Foch, on the grass beside the river Luye, under shady trees ..... (yes, Vello was listening):
Sweezus: When did she say she'd get back?
Vello: Any time now. Have some black olives and walnuts.
David: And a glass of Clairette.
Sweezus: Olives? Walnuts?
Arthur: I will, if he won't.
Pablo: I don't like walnuts, what else is there?
Vello: For goodness sake, look in the hamper.
Pablo (looking) : Bleu de Vercours Sassenage cheese! And Picodon!
Gaius: Any fish?
Pablo: This looks like a trout.
Gaius: Excellent. Any one got a fork?
No one has a fork. Belle doesn't appear to have packed one.
Luckily, just at this moment Alberto Contador passes by, wheeling his bicycle and chewing on a churro, deep in thought. (Alberto, not the churro).
Vello: Morning, Alberto!
Alberto: Hola, mis amigos!
Pablo (in Spanish) : Don't suppose you have a fork on you, Alberto?
Alberto (also in Spanish): It is your lucky day. They have packed a fork into my lunch box with my churros. I do not need it. I will give it to you.
What a gentleman; Everyone says so.
Pablo: What do you think of your chances, Alberto?
Alberto: The peloton becomes tired. I feel stronger. I will be attacking. I want first place on the podium in Paris.
Pablo: Good luck to you, Alberto.
Alberto: Thank you, my friend.
Alberto wheels away with his bicycle. still chewing his churro.
Gaius stabs at the trout, with Alberto Contador's fork.
Soon Belle arrives, with Arne-Doppelganger and Terence.
Terence: Look at me! I'm wearing a snake!
Sweezus: It's a ribbon. Awesome. How does it stand up like that?
Belle: He won't take it off.
Vello: Hello, Terence. Did you have a good time in Valence?
Terence: I made a new friend. He's called Willy. He lives on top of an archway, in a triangle. He's got my shorts and I've got his snake. It's not a ribbon. See, a snake face.
Vello (peering indulgently): Oh yes, a snake face. Ssss!
Belle: Don't humour him papa. We need to find him a new pair of shorts.
Terence: NO! Okay, it's a ribbon.
Belle: We'll see.
But now it is time for the honey and apricots, the melons and nougat, the famous Valrhona chocolate,
and more Côtes du Rhône wine, and sparkling Clairette de Die.
All in all, an excellent picnic.
Although Sweezus would kill for a churro.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Stage 16 : Bourg-de-Péage to Gap - Blame
Early morning in Bourg-de-Péage.
Belle is shopping for the picnic tomorrow.
In Pascalis bakery, she stocks up on pogne ( a brioche in the shape of a crown).
As she is leaving the bakery she bumps into Arne-Doppelganger.
It is not accidental.
Belle! says Arne-Doppelganger. I have something to tell you. Do not be worried.
You've lost Terence, says Belle.
Not exactly, says Arne-Doppelganger. He wanted to stay in Valence.
And you let him! says Belle. How could you?
It's okay, says Arne-Doppelganger. He met a little friend there. On a building. It was so cute.
Ah, says Belle. Was it the Maison des Têtes?
House of Heads, yes, says Arne-Doppelganger.
I shouldn't have told him about it, says Belle.
It's okay, says Arne. We can go pick him up on the rest day.
What's he doing? asks Belle, shifting the pogne from one hand to another.
The little friend is showing him the heads, says Arne-Doppelganger. Wind, Fortune, Time, Theology and the Roman Emperors. The little friend was naked and holding a ribbon. Terence thought it was a snake.
Belle looks disapproving.
Arne-Doppelganger forges on with the story.
So Terence offered the little friend his shorts in return for the ribbon, says Arne-Doppelganger.
That was nice of him, says Belle tartly.
Not really, the shorts were bad smelling, says Arne-Doppelganger. Due to spots of urine.
Belle did not know about this. But Terence ought not to be dressed in a ribbon.
All right, I'll pick him up tomorrow, she says. I'm running late today. Are you coming to the picnic?
Sure am, says Arne-Doppelganger. Well, I must go too. This will be a hard day for Team Condor.
How true.
It's a hard day for everyone.
Geraint Thomas goes headlong through a fence at the side of the road, but is helped up again..
Peter Sagan only comes second .
Ruben Plaza Molina wins the stage.
Vincent Nibali gains nearly half a minute on Froomey.
Farky, the Nine Tenths Knowing Dog, gets all the credit for this, rather unfairly
Belle is shopping for the picnic tomorrow.
In Pascalis bakery, she stocks up on pogne ( a brioche in the shape of a crown).
As she is leaving the bakery she bumps into Arne-Doppelganger.
It is not accidental.
Belle! says Arne-Doppelganger. I have something to tell you. Do not be worried.
You've lost Terence, says Belle.
Not exactly, says Arne-Doppelganger. He wanted to stay in Valence.
And you let him! says Belle. How could you?
It's okay, says Arne-Doppelganger. He met a little friend there. On a building. It was so cute.
Ah, says Belle. Was it the Maison des Têtes?
House of Heads, yes, says Arne-Doppelganger.
I shouldn't have told him about it, says Belle.
It's okay, says Arne. We can go pick him up on the rest day.
What's he doing? asks Belle, shifting the pogne from one hand to another.
The little friend is showing him the heads, says Arne-Doppelganger. Wind, Fortune, Time, Theology and the Roman Emperors. The little friend was naked and holding a ribbon. Terence thought it was a snake.
Belle looks disapproving.
Arne-Doppelganger forges on with the story.
So Terence offered the little friend his shorts in return for the ribbon, says Arne-Doppelganger.
That was nice of him, says Belle tartly.
Not really, the shorts were bad smelling, says Arne-Doppelganger. Due to spots of urine.
Belle did not know about this. But Terence ought not to be dressed in a ribbon.
All right, I'll pick him up tomorrow, she says. I'm running late today. Are you coming to the picnic?
Sure am, says Arne-Doppelganger. Well, I must go too. This will be a hard day for Team Condor.
How true.
It's a hard day for everyone.
Geraint Thomas goes headlong through a fence at the side of the road, but is helped up again..
Peter Sagan only comes second .
Ruben Plaza Molina wins the stage.
Vincent Nibali gains nearly half a minute on Froomey.
Farky, the Nine Tenths Knowing Dog, gets all the credit for this, rather unfairly
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Stage 15 : Mende to Valence - House of Heads
Team Sky. At breakfast.
Chris Froome: How's everyone this morning?
Richie Porte: Aa-choo! Sn-i-iiiff! No worries, Froomey! I'm on antibiotics.
Chris Froome : Good. What about you, Pete?
Peter Sagan: What do you reckon? This is my last chance to win a stage.
Chris Froome: So try harder.
Richie Porte: I hear Cav's got diarrhea.
Peter Sagan: Gut! Ausgezeichnet! Pass me the crepes and the cream.
......
Team Astana. At breakfast.
Vincenzo Nibali: It is not good you have stolen this All-Knowing Dog.
Surfing-With-Whales: We haven't. He was always my Dog.
Andriy Grivko: So we shall be lucky.
Farky (gnawing a bone under the table) : Wrong, wrong, wrong.
......
Later.
The teams ride out of Mende.
As he pedals, Gaius, of Team Condor, admires the geology.
Limestone mountains, blue marl in the valleys, streams lined with mica-schist.
He breathes the fine air deeply.
Haah! Freedom is only a week off. What to do when the Tour is over?
Perhaps a walking tour. Perhaps.....but drat it all, he has forgotten, he must return his bike to the Utrecht University Museum.. how very annoying.....perhaps Arthur.....
......
Arne-Doppelganger is riding behind André Greipel, a dangerous move.
Terence is still in his basket.
Can't we go any faster? says Terence.
It would not be wise, says Arne-Doppelganger.
But I need to BE somewhere, says Terence.
We all need to be somewhere, says Arne-Doppelganger. Today it is Valence.
Yes, Balance, says Terence. I need to get there. Go faster.
No, says Arne-Doppelganger. We will stay behind André Greipel, in his slip stream.
If he stops, says Terence, I'm going to ask if I can go with HIM!
He does not have a basket, little cherub, says Arne-Doppelganger. And you smell badly.
Terence sniffs. Yes, he does smell badly. How did that happen?
There is a nice river in Valence, says Arne-Doppelganger. The Rhône. You can go for a swim.
That's not what I need to go for, says Terence, sulkily.
(for he does not like washing)
He keeps his eye upon André Greipel, who shows no sign of stopping....
.....but instead, turns his head and shouts over his shoulder:
What is in Valence that you are so wishing? shouts André Greipel.
The House of Heads! screeches Terence, into the windy slipstream.....
phoooo....w
If André Greipel hears the answer he does not give any indication.
He does not slow down.
He accelerates, and leaves Terence and Arne-Doppelganger back in the distance.
He pedals madly. The plaster on his shin goes up and down. The crowd shout: Go the Gorilla!
Nice name, that is.
He passes Peter Sagan. He passes Alex Kristoff. He passes John Degenkolb.
The winner! André Greipel! Last day for the sprinters. Today is his day.
Chris Froome: How's everyone this morning?
Richie Porte: Aa-choo! Sn-i-iiiff! No worries, Froomey! I'm on antibiotics.
Chris Froome : Good. What about you, Pete?
Peter Sagan: What do you reckon? This is my last chance to win a stage.
Chris Froome: So try harder.
Richie Porte: I hear Cav's got diarrhea.
Peter Sagan: Gut! Ausgezeichnet! Pass me the crepes and the cream.
......
Team Astana. At breakfast.
Vincenzo Nibali: It is not good you have stolen this All-Knowing Dog.
Surfing-With-Whales: We haven't. He was always my Dog.
Andriy Grivko: So we shall be lucky.
Farky (gnawing a bone under the table) : Wrong, wrong, wrong.
......
Later.
The teams ride out of Mende.
As he pedals, Gaius, of Team Condor, admires the geology.
Limestone mountains, blue marl in the valleys, streams lined with mica-schist.
He breathes the fine air deeply.
Haah! Freedom is only a week off. What to do when the Tour is over?
Perhaps a walking tour. Perhaps.....but drat it all, he has forgotten, he must return his bike to the Utrecht University Museum.. how very annoying.....perhaps Arthur.....
......
Arne-Doppelganger is riding behind André Greipel, a dangerous move.
Terence is still in his basket.
Can't we go any faster? says Terence.
It would not be wise, says Arne-Doppelganger.
But I need to BE somewhere, says Terence.
We all need to be somewhere, says Arne-Doppelganger. Today it is Valence.
Yes, Balance, says Terence. I need to get there. Go faster.
No, says Arne-Doppelganger. We will stay behind André Greipel, in his slip stream.
If he stops, says Terence, I'm going to ask if I can go with HIM!
He does not have a basket, little cherub, says Arne-Doppelganger. And you smell badly.
Terence sniffs. Yes, he does smell badly. How did that happen?
There is a nice river in Valence, says Arne-Doppelganger. The Rhône. You can go for a swim.
That's not what I need to go for, says Terence, sulkily.
(for he does not like washing)
He keeps his eye upon André Greipel, who shows no sign of stopping....
.....but instead, turns his head and shouts over his shoulder:
What is in Valence that you are so wishing? shouts André Greipel.
The House of Heads! screeches Terence, into the windy slipstream.....
phoooo....w
If André Greipel hears the answer he does not give any indication.
He does not slow down.
He accelerates, and leaves Terence and Arne-Doppelganger back in the distance.
He pedals madly. The plaster on his shin goes up and down. The crowd shout: Go the Gorilla!
Nice name, that is.
He passes Peter Sagan. He passes Alex Kristoff. He passes John Degenkolb.
The winner! André Greipel! Last day for the sprinters. Today is his day.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Stage 14 : Rodez to Mende - Honour and Urine
Today the riders are riding from Rodez to Mende.
The scenery is so precious the helicopter must fly high above it.
Golden eagles and vultures may fly as they please.
Down below the riders get on with the job.
Gaius turns to find himself next to his doppelganger.
Is this wise? asks Gaius.
This whole thing? asks Arne-Doppelganger.
No, you riding beside me, says Gaius.
We all look the same in our helmets, says Arne-Doppelganger. I wanted to ask you a question.
Is it about tactics? asks Gaius.
No, says Arne-Doppelganger. It's about crackle crackle.
You're breaking up, says Gaius.
Arne-Doppelganger looks unhappy.
Try again, says Gaius.
It's about urine, says Arne-Doppelganger.
Oh, says Gaius. Just do it at the side of the road.
I had some thrown at me, says Arne-Doppelganger.
Jumping jiggle-nuts! says Gaius. What for?
I'm thinking, says Arne-Doppelganger, that some people believe I am cheating.
I suppose you are, says Gaius. Had you thought of it that way?
They believe I have a super powered bicycle, says Arne-Doppelganger.
You do, says Gaius. Perhaps you should consider....
But I wish to continue with Belle, says Arne-Doppelganger.
There are other things you could do, says Gaius. You could take charge of the All-Knowing Dog, and that scamp, Terence. Keep them away from the media.
Belle has already asked me, says Arne-Doppelganger. In fact I have Terence here, in the basket.
Sure enough, when Gaius peers into the basket, (Schopenhauer's basket), there is Terence, fast asleep and spotted faintly with urine.
Lucky he didn't wake up.
And the dog? asks Gaius. You know I mended his teeth?
And you lost one, says Arne-Doppelganger. Now he doesn't know everything. Just nine tenths.
Surely that is enough, says Gaius.
You would think so, says Arne-Doppelganger, as two Frenchmen zoom past.
Thibaut Pinot and Romain Bardet.
But, Arne-Doppelganger continues, the dog has been snaffled.
Farky? says Gaius. Not again?
Yes, says Arne Doppelganger. Team Sky is suspected this time.
Very likely, agrees Gaius. Have they no honour?
Honour is not to be won, says Arne-Doppelganger. Only lost.
We can thank Schopenhauer's bike for this wisdom.
Speaking of which, ( honour? wisdom? winning? ) Simon Cummings zooms by.
Overtakes the two Frenchmen, on a day when the French president is watching.
Wins the stage for MTN Qhubeka, and the honour of Nelson Mandela.....
The scenery is so precious the helicopter must fly high above it.
Golden eagles and vultures may fly as they please.
Down below the riders get on with the job.
Gaius turns to find himself next to his doppelganger.
Is this wise? asks Gaius.
This whole thing? asks Arne-Doppelganger.
No, you riding beside me, says Gaius.
We all look the same in our helmets, says Arne-Doppelganger. I wanted to ask you a question.
Is it about tactics? asks Gaius.
No, says Arne-Doppelganger. It's about crackle crackle.
You're breaking up, says Gaius.
Arne-Doppelganger looks unhappy.
Try again, says Gaius.
It's about urine, says Arne-Doppelganger.
Oh, says Gaius. Just do it at the side of the road.
I had some thrown at me, says Arne-Doppelganger.
Jumping jiggle-nuts! says Gaius. What for?
I'm thinking, says Arne-Doppelganger, that some people believe I am cheating.
I suppose you are, says Gaius. Had you thought of it that way?
They believe I have a super powered bicycle, says Arne-Doppelganger.
You do, says Gaius. Perhaps you should consider....
But I wish to continue with Belle, says Arne-Doppelganger.
There are other things you could do, says Gaius. You could take charge of the All-Knowing Dog, and that scamp, Terence. Keep them away from the media.
Belle has already asked me, says Arne-Doppelganger. In fact I have Terence here, in the basket.
Sure enough, when Gaius peers into the basket, (Schopenhauer's basket), there is Terence, fast asleep and spotted faintly with urine.
Lucky he didn't wake up.
And the dog? asks Gaius. You know I mended his teeth?
And you lost one, says Arne-Doppelganger. Now he doesn't know everything. Just nine tenths.
Surely that is enough, says Gaius.
You would think so, says Arne-Doppelganger, as two Frenchmen zoom past.
Thibaut Pinot and Romain Bardet.
But, Arne-Doppelganger continues, the dog has been snaffled.
Farky? says Gaius. Not again?
Yes, says Arne Doppelganger. Team Sky is suspected this time.
Very likely, agrees Gaius. Have they no honour?
Honour is not to be won, says Arne-Doppelganger. Only lost.
We can thank Schopenhauer's bike for this wisdom.
Speaking of which, ( honour? wisdom? winning? ) Simon Cummings zooms by.
Overtakes the two Frenchmen, on a day when the French president is watching.
Wins the stage for MTN Qhubeka, and the honour of Nelson Mandela.....
Friday, July 17, 2015
Stage 13 : Muret to Rodez - Games
A very hot day.
This is the part of the Tour when boredom kicks in.
Arthur and Pablo amuse themselves as best they can.
Tell me your favourite thing, says Pablo Neruda.
Water, says Arthur Rimbaud.
What's your best line about water? asks Pablo.
O let me go into the sea, says Arthur.
They pedal, thinking of water.
What's yours? asks Arthur.
Grass, says Pablo.
Best line? says Arthur.
'and the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass', says Pablo.
Nice one, says Arthur.
If Richie Porte was here, what would he answer? asks Pablo.
It is part of the game.
Arthur looks across at the fields of dried corn. A group of farmers is making a bicycle out of tractors.
A helicopter flies over.
His favourite thing is Middle Tang Poetry, says Arthur, remembering.
His best line? says Pablo.
Arthur hasn't read much of Richie's poetry. He makes something up.
'How wide the world was, how close the trees to heaven', says Arthur
Very elegaic, says Pablo. Bravo!
Along comes Jean-Christophe Péraud.
Bleeding and injured. He has crashed at 137 km, and bravely got back on his bike.
He passes without much acknowledgement.
It is possible he has broken his little finger.
He is not thinking of poetry. He is sending stern messages to his extremities.
His favourite thing is: the end of the day and an ice bath.
Bravo Jean-Christophe Péraud.
Sweezus rides up behind Arthur and Pablo.
Sheise! says Sweezus. It's beyond hot. Got any drinks?
No, says Arthur, We're taking our minds off it.
How? asks Sweezus. I can't.
What's your favourite thing? says Pablo.
Fucking flipballs! says Sweezus.
And your best line? asks Pablo, not picking up on the vibe.
I'll give you best line! says Sweezus. Get back there and pick up some drinks. Then you guys lead me out so I can have some chance of winning GC points or I'll have your balls for ice cubes.
That, says Pablo, is the best line I've heard all day.
He drops back before anything happens.
As for the others, well, it's a long hot day for everyone.
But someone must win.
Greg van Avermaet (BMC) wins this one, ahead of Peter Sagan.
They didn't play games.
This is the part of the Tour when boredom kicks in.
Arthur and Pablo amuse themselves as best they can.
Tell me your favourite thing, says Pablo Neruda.
Water, says Arthur Rimbaud.
What's your best line about water? asks Pablo.
O let me go into the sea, says Arthur.
They pedal, thinking of water.
What's yours? asks Arthur.
Grass, says Pablo.
Best line? says Arthur.
'and the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass', says Pablo.
Nice one, says Arthur.
If Richie Porte was here, what would he answer? asks Pablo.
It is part of the game.
Arthur looks across at the fields of dried corn. A group of farmers is making a bicycle out of tractors.
A helicopter flies over.
His favourite thing is Middle Tang Poetry, says Arthur, remembering.
His best line? says Pablo.
Arthur hasn't read much of Richie's poetry. He makes something up.
'How wide the world was, how close the trees to heaven', says Arthur
Very elegaic, says Pablo. Bravo!
Along comes Jean-Christophe Péraud.
Bleeding and injured. He has crashed at 137 km, and bravely got back on his bike.
He passes without much acknowledgement.
It is possible he has broken his little finger.
He is not thinking of poetry. He is sending stern messages to his extremities.
His favourite thing is: the end of the day and an ice bath.
Bravo Jean-Christophe Péraud.
Sweezus rides up behind Arthur and Pablo.
Sheise! says Sweezus. It's beyond hot. Got any drinks?
No, says Arthur, We're taking our minds off it.
How? asks Sweezus. I can't.
What's your favourite thing? says Pablo.
Fucking flipballs! says Sweezus.
And your best line? asks Pablo, not picking up on the vibe.
I'll give you best line! says Sweezus. Get back there and pick up some drinks. Then you guys lead me out so I can have some chance of winning GC points or I'll have your balls for ice cubes.
That, says Pablo, is the best line I've heard all day.
He drops back before anything happens.
As for the others, well, it's a long hot day for everyone.
But someone must win.
Greg van Avermaet (BMC) wins this one, ahead of Peter Sagan.
They didn't play games.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Stage 12 : Lannemezan to Plateau de Beille - Metaphysics
The last day in the Pyrenees.
It is warm at the start.
Team Philosophe rides in a leisurely fashion, alongside Arne-Doppelganger.
Vello: No point going too fast this morning.
David: Yes, the race seems a foregone conclusion.
Arne-Doppelganger: How can you say this?
David: Froomey is the strongest.
Arne-Dopelganger: Yes, but there is always the luck.
Vello: One person's luck is another person's misfortune.
David: Did you just make that up?
Vello; Why, not wise enough for you?
David: No, frankly.
Arne-Doppelganger: I must agree with David. Sometimes one's luck and misfortune can get mixed up.
Vello: Of course, I was forgetting your situation. It must be quite tantalising for you to be so near my daughter.
Arne-Doppelganger: No, it is perfectly fine. We manage.
Vello: You mean to say......? But... you look just like Gaius! How can she!
David: Best not go there, old chap.
Vello: Humph! Absolutely!
Arne-Doppelganger: In fact I was thinking of the case of Alberto Contador. He is widely thought to have had a vision. Some say it brought him bad luck. He certainly had some.
David: Your point being?
Arne-Doppelganger: Alberto believes it was a blessing.
Vello: What nonsense! Alberto had bad luck. Then he had better luck. But he still isn't winning.
Arne-Doppelganger: And then there's the All-Knowing Dog.
David: Well, we know THAT must be nonsense! It's just Farky.
Arne-Doppelganger: But he does have an influence.
Vello: If he does, it's in people's heads.
Arne-Doppelganger: I hear he's lost a certain degree of his powers, since Gaius, (the other one), lost one of his teeth in the grass.
Vello: Oh ha ha! Isn't life complicated. So he's only Nine-Tenths Knowing.
David: Are we nearly there yet?
Arne-Doppelganger: No. And I hear it is hailing at Plateau de Beille.
Vello: Forewarned is forearmed.
David: Don't tell me you packed a raincoat!
Vello: I'm sure Belle will bring one.
They ride on towards the rain and the hail storm.
Arne-Doppelganger speeds up, hoping to make a good showing for Belle.
What a pity he looks like old Gaius.
But Belle is okay with that. Or is she just being kind?
You should never let self doubt set in.
Joaquim 'Purito' Rodriguez from Team Katusha zooms past him.....
........and wins the stage.
I have never won a Grand Tour, says Purito, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve it. I just haven't had the luck of the big champions.
Of course, no one believes him.
It is warm at the start.
Team Philosophe rides in a leisurely fashion, alongside Arne-Doppelganger.
Vello: No point going too fast this morning.
David: Yes, the race seems a foregone conclusion.
Arne-Doppelganger: How can you say this?
David: Froomey is the strongest.
Arne-Dopelganger: Yes, but there is always the luck.
Vello: One person's luck is another person's misfortune.
David: Did you just make that up?
Vello; Why, not wise enough for you?
David: No, frankly.
Arne-Doppelganger: I must agree with David. Sometimes one's luck and misfortune can get mixed up.
Vello: Of course, I was forgetting your situation. It must be quite tantalising for you to be so near my daughter.
Arne-Doppelganger: No, it is perfectly fine. We manage.
Vello: You mean to say......? But... you look just like Gaius! How can she!
David: Best not go there, old chap.
Vello: Humph! Absolutely!
Arne-Doppelganger: In fact I was thinking of the case of Alberto Contador. He is widely thought to have had a vision. Some say it brought him bad luck. He certainly had some.
David: Your point being?
Arne-Doppelganger: Alberto believes it was a blessing.
Vello: What nonsense! Alberto had bad luck. Then he had better luck. But he still isn't winning.
Arne-Doppelganger: And then there's the All-Knowing Dog.
David: Well, we know THAT must be nonsense! It's just Farky.
Arne-Doppelganger: But he does have an influence.
Vello: If he does, it's in people's heads.
Arne-Doppelganger: I hear he's lost a certain degree of his powers, since Gaius, (the other one), lost one of his teeth in the grass.
Vello: Oh ha ha! Isn't life complicated. So he's only Nine-Tenths Knowing.
David: Are we nearly there yet?
Arne-Doppelganger: No. And I hear it is hailing at Plateau de Beille.
Vello: Forewarned is forearmed.
David: Don't tell me you packed a raincoat!
Vello: I'm sure Belle will bring one.
They ride on towards the rain and the hail storm.
Arne-Doppelganger speeds up, hoping to make a good showing for Belle.
What a pity he looks like old Gaius.
But Belle is okay with that. Or is she just being kind?
You should never let self doubt set in.
Joaquim 'Purito' Rodriguez from Team Katusha zooms past him.....
........and wins the stage.
I have never won a Grand Tour, says Purito, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve it. I just haven't had the luck of the big champions.
Of course, no one believes him.
Stage 11 : Pau to Cauterets Valée de Saint Savin - Selfies
A warm day in the Pyrenees.
Terence and Farky are at the top of the Col de Tourmelet, waiting for Belle.
Terence: What if she forgets us?
Farky: She won't.
Terence: You don't know everything.
Farky: I do. I got my teeth fixed.
Terence: What's that hole at the front then?
Farky: Gaius dropped one on the grass.
Terence: So where is it?
Farky: He couldn't find it.
Terence: You should have known where it was.
Farky: Shut up.
Terence: Ha ha. That's what people say when they've LOST.
Tourist (in red shorts): Hey! Are you that Lucky Dog?
Terence: No, he's a loser.
Red Short Tourist: And you're that holy cherub!
Polkadot Tourist: Yes! The one Contador saw in a vision.
Red Short Tourist: You jinxed him.
Polkadot Tourist: He had bad luck after that.
Terence: Yippee! Bad luck! I did it!
Red Short Tourist: Can I have a selfie?
Polkadot Tourist: Me too.
Belle roars up on a motor bike.
Belle: There you are! Have you two been good?
Red Short Tourist: Are they with you?
Belle: Yes.
Red Short Tourist: You should keep an eye on that one.
Belle: I do.
And now Sweezus rides over the top of the Col, followed by Arthur and Pablo.
Then Team Sky, looking after Chris Froome.
Now Team Tinkoff Saxo, taking care of Alberto Contador.
Alberto sees Terence, and smiles.
Maraviloso! A blessing.
The tourists are snapping.
Jinx or blessing? They don't know what to label their selfies.
Terence and Farky are at the top of the Col de Tourmelet, waiting for Belle.
Terence: What if she forgets us?
Farky: She won't.
Terence: You don't know everything.
Farky: I do. I got my teeth fixed.
Terence: What's that hole at the front then?
Farky: Gaius dropped one on the grass.
Terence: So where is it?
Farky: He couldn't find it.
Terence: You should have known where it was.
Farky: Shut up.
Terence: Ha ha. That's what people say when they've LOST.
Tourist (in red shorts): Hey! Are you that Lucky Dog?
Terence: No, he's a loser.
Red Short Tourist: And you're that holy cherub!
Polkadot Tourist: Yes! The one Contador saw in a vision.
Red Short Tourist: You jinxed him.
Polkadot Tourist: He had bad luck after that.
Terence: Yippee! Bad luck! I did it!
Red Short Tourist: Can I have a selfie?
Polkadot Tourist: Me too.
Belle roars up on a motor bike.
Belle: There you are! Have you two been good?
Red Short Tourist: Are they with you?
Belle: Yes.
Red Short Tourist: You should keep an eye on that one.
Belle: I do.
And now Sweezus rides over the top of the Col, followed by Arthur and Pablo.
Then Team Sky, looking after Chris Froome.
Now Team Tinkoff Saxo, taking care of Alberto Contador.
Alberto sees Terence, and smiles.
Maraviloso! A blessing.
The tourists are snapping.
Jinx or blessing? They don't know what to label their selfies.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Stage 10 : Tarbes to La Pierre-Saint-Martin - Second
Stage ten, with a big mountain finish.
Team Condor is up for it.
All that cabbage and mash they ate yesterday. All that bacon. All that gâteau à broche. All those little red nuts of King Henri.
They set off in high spirits.
Team Tinkoff-Saxo is sad. They have lost Ivan Basso.
He has gone home to get better. Alberto has vowed to ride hard.
Team Sky is confident that Chris Froome will be first up the mountain.
They are right. But who will be second?
Richie Porte composes an encouraging rhyme in his head.
Froomey beckoned
Porte came second
No, how about this?
Froomey has beckoned
Porte will come second
Yes, Porte has improved as a poet.
Bang. They are off.
......
Various positionings:
Sweezus rides beside Gaius.
Good picnic yesterday, says Sweezus.
Indeed, agrees Gaius. But did you notice that Farky ate nothing?
No, says Sweezus. I was kind of preoccupied.
Aha, says Gaius, as though he knows why, but he doesn't.
I think more glue is in order, says Gaius. If his teeth fall out, there goes our advantage.
You're the glue man, says Sweezus. Go for it.
Arthur and Pablo are riding with Arne-Doppelganger, who has overridden his Utrecht instructions.
Pablo: It's good that you stayed in the team.
Arne-Doppelganger: I hope I can get up the mountain. This bike is not good for climbing.
Arthur: That's Schopenhauer speaking. He tends to be negative.
Pablo: Not always. Remember he said Once you get over the hill you pick up speed.
Arne-Doppelganger: That is hardly helpful. The race ends at the top.
Arthur: He was talking metaphorically.
Arne-Doppelganger: That should give me hope then.
.......
Team Philosophe is not doing so well in the mountains.
Vello: I need to slow down.
David: No more than I.
Vello: As long as we finish.
David: That's all.
Vello: Up ahead. Is that Alberto?
David: My goodness. That's not like him. He's sitting down in his saddle.
.....
Froomey bobs like a cork on his way up La Pierre-Saint-Martin.
Nothing can stop him.
Richie Porte and Nairo Quintana are together but some way behind.
Richie thinks of his poem, beckoned, second.....
But Quintana is thinking of his poem also.
It goes like: Quintana banana.
Beckoned.. second... quintana... banana.
Bafloom.... the banana runs out of legs.
Richie comes second.
Team Condor is up for it.
All that cabbage and mash they ate yesterday. All that bacon. All that gâteau à broche. All those little red nuts of King Henri.
They set off in high spirits.
Team Tinkoff-Saxo is sad. They have lost Ivan Basso.
He has gone home to get better. Alberto has vowed to ride hard.
Team Sky is confident that Chris Froome will be first up the mountain.
They are right. But who will be second?
Richie Porte composes an encouraging rhyme in his head.
Froomey beckoned
Porte came second
No, how about this?
Froomey has beckoned
Porte will come second
Yes, Porte has improved as a poet.
Bang. They are off.
......
Various positionings:
Sweezus rides beside Gaius.
Good picnic yesterday, says Sweezus.
Indeed, agrees Gaius. But did you notice that Farky ate nothing?
No, says Sweezus. I was kind of preoccupied.
Aha, says Gaius, as though he knows why, but he doesn't.
I think more glue is in order, says Gaius. If his teeth fall out, there goes our advantage.
You're the glue man, says Sweezus. Go for it.
Arthur and Pablo are riding with Arne-Doppelganger, who has overridden his Utrecht instructions.
Pablo: It's good that you stayed in the team.
Arne-Doppelganger: I hope I can get up the mountain. This bike is not good for climbing.
Arthur: That's Schopenhauer speaking. He tends to be negative.
Pablo: Not always. Remember he said Once you get over the hill you pick up speed.
Arne-Doppelganger: That is hardly helpful. The race ends at the top.
Arthur: He was talking metaphorically.
Arne-Doppelganger: That should give me hope then.
.......
Team Philosophe is not doing so well in the mountains.
Vello: I need to slow down.
David: No more than I.
Vello: As long as we finish.
David: That's all.
Vello: Up ahead. Is that Alberto?
David: My goodness. That's not like him. He's sitting down in his saddle.
.....
Froomey bobs like a cork on his way up La Pierre-Saint-Martin.
Nothing can stop him.
Richie Porte and Nairo Quintana are together but some way behind.
Richie thinks of his poem, beckoned, second.....
But Quintana is thinking of his poem also.
It goes like: Quintana banana.
Beckoned.. second... quintana... banana.
Bafloom.... the banana runs out of legs.
Richie comes second.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Rest Day : Pau - Balls
The first rest day.
Belle has organised a picnic, in the grounds of the Château de Pau.
She spreads out a large rug. Opens a hamper.
Vello and David have already drunk several glasses of light red Béarn wine.
Terence has opened the Coucougnottes, without Belle's permission.
Farky worries his loose teeth with his claw.
They are waiting for Team Condor to arrive.
Would you like to start now? says Belle. I brought some trinxat.
What is it? asks David. Mmm. Smells like bacon.
Mashed cabbage and potatoes mixed with smoked bacon and fried, says Belle. Speciality of the region.
Sounds good to me, says David.
To a Scotsman, says Vello.
Fois gras, papa? says Belle. Poule à pot? Merveilles?
Vello is just choosing a merveille (a sweet fritter), when Team Condor rocks up.
Hi everyone, says Belle, so glad you've come.
It's a little bit awkward.
I did mean to invite all of you, says Belle.
That's cool, says Sweezus. What's for lunch?
Poule à pot, fois gras, fritters, trinxat, says Belle. And gâteau à la broche for dessert, followed by Coucougnottes du Vert Galant. And we have white Jurançon and red Béarn wines. And sparkling water.
Wicked, says Sweezus, sitting down at a distance from Belle.
Sit down, everyone, says Vello. Gaius, sit here. Have a fritter.
Is that sugar? says Gaius. Sprinkled on top?
Arthur and Pablo are trying the trinxat.
Mmm. Not bad for cabbage.
And the Jurançon. Slurp. Glug. Not bad either. They pour themselves more.
Tell me, says Gaius to Vello, how did you get through the team trials with only the two of you?
Oh, says Vello. A few strings were pulled. We are French icons you know. At least I am.
Everyone, try the chicken! says Belle. Terence, what's that in your mouth?
Nothing, says Terence, quickly swallowing his sixth Coucougnotte.
He's been so naughty, says Belle, to her boyfriend.
I know, says Arne. He drew rude bottoms. You forget I am one of the riders.
Easy to forget, says Belle, when you look exactly like Gaius.
I do forget what I look like, says Arne. But it's lovely to see you. Sadly I must go home tomorrow.
I wish you would stay, says Belle. Could you override your instructions?
Crackle crackle, says Arne, breaking up temporarily.
Obviously it's not easy to maintain this relationship.....
Sweezus has noticed this fact. He brightens. And also, it seems to be time for the cake.
Time for the gâteau de broche! says Belle.
It's a weird sort of cake. Huge, round, lumpy and drippy, with a hole in the middle.
Cake on a spit, says Belle. Break a hunk off.
Vello declares he has no room left for a hunk. Then he takes one. What the hell. David takes two.
Gaius eyes the box of Coucougnottes de Vert Galant, half open on the grass.
May I try one, before Terence eats the lot?
Certainly. Take two, why don't you.
Gaius takes two. Delicious. What are they exactly?
A roasted almond, covered in dark chocolate, rolled in marzipan flavoured with raspberry, ginger and Armagnac, says Belle. Voted Best Sweet of the Year 2000.
And what is the meaning of the name of these sweets? asks Gaius. I find myself sorely tempted to take a third one.
Belle giggles. You may not want to when you know. Tell him papa.
Coucougnottes are testicles, says Vello. The Vert Galant is king Henry the Fourth, said to have been a hot devil with the ladies. These sweets are his balls.
But Gaius, the old Roman, is not put off having another.
Belle has organised a picnic, in the grounds of the Château de Pau.
She spreads out a large rug. Opens a hamper.
Vello and David have already drunk several glasses of light red Béarn wine.
Terence has opened the Coucougnottes, without Belle's permission.
Farky worries his loose teeth with his claw.
They are waiting for Team Condor to arrive.
Would you like to start now? says Belle. I brought some trinxat.
What is it? asks David. Mmm. Smells like bacon.
Mashed cabbage and potatoes mixed with smoked bacon and fried, says Belle. Speciality of the region.
Sounds good to me, says David.
To a Scotsman, says Vello.
Fois gras, papa? says Belle. Poule à pot? Merveilles?
Vello is just choosing a merveille (a sweet fritter), when Team Condor rocks up.
Hi everyone, says Belle, so glad you've come.
It's a little bit awkward.
I did mean to invite all of you, says Belle.
That's cool, says Sweezus. What's for lunch?
Poule à pot, fois gras, fritters, trinxat, says Belle. And gâteau à la broche for dessert, followed by Coucougnottes du Vert Galant. And we have white Jurançon and red Béarn wines. And sparkling water.
Wicked, says Sweezus, sitting down at a distance from Belle.
Sit down, everyone, says Vello. Gaius, sit here. Have a fritter.
Is that sugar? says Gaius. Sprinkled on top?
Arthur and Pablo are trying the trinxat.
Mmm. Not bad for cabbage.
And the Jurançon. Slurp. Glug. Not bad either. They pour themselves more.
Tell me, says Gaius to Vello, how did you get through the team trials with only the two of you?
Oh, says Vello. A few strings were pulled. We are French icons you know. At least I am.
Everyone, try the chicken! says Belle. Terence, what's that in your mouth?
Nothing, says Terence, quickly swallowing his sixth Coucougnotte.
He's been so naughty, says Belle, to her boyfriend.
I know, says Arne. He drew rude bottoms. You forget I am one of the riders.
Easy to forget, says Belle, when you look exactly like Gaius.
I do forget what I look like, says Arne. But it's lovely to see you. Sadly I must go home tomorrow.
I wish you would stay, says Belle. Could you override your instructions?
Crackle crackle, says Arne, breaking up temporarily.
Obviously it's not easy to maintain this relationship.....
Sweezus has noticed this fact. He brightens. And also, it seems to be time for the cake.
Time for the gâteau de broche! says Belle.
It's a weird sort of cake. Huge, round, lumpy and drippy, with a hole in the middle.
Cake on a spit, says Belle. Break a hunk off.
Vello declares he has no room left for a hunk. Then he takes one. What the hell. David takes two.
Gaius eyes the box of Coucougnottes de Vert Galant, half open on the grass.
May I try one, before Terence eats the lot?
Certainly. Take two, why don't you.
Gaius takes two. Delicious. What are they exactly?
A roasted almond, covered in dark chocolate, rolled in marzipan flavoured with raspberry, ginger and Armagnac, says Belle. Voted Best Sweet of the Year 2000.
And what is the meaning of the name of these sweets? asks Gaius. I find myself sorely tempted to take a third one.
Belle giggles. You may not want to when you know. Tell him papa.
Coucougnottes are testicles, says Vello. The Vert Galant is king Henry the Fourth, said to have been a hot devil with the ladies. These sweets are his balls.
But Gaius, the old Roman, is not put off having another.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Stage 9 : Vannes to Pumelac - Jealousy
Today, the team time trials.
Orica GreenEDGE will start out with only six riders.
Team Condor has five.
Yes, the genius plan of David Hume has come to fruition.
Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo, Gaius and Gaius's doppelganger ride out.
Does this get picked up by the officials?
No it does not.
Gaius is a registered rider. He rides past the official
The official ticks a box.
The Doppelganger rides past the official.
The official thinks he has had a déjà vu moment. Sacre bleu! He has ticked the box already? Tant pis!
Off they go.
Sweezus has ordered the team to stay close together, and allow no distractions.
This means, no poetry, no laughing, no beeping.
Arthur and Pablo try hard.
Gaius is keeping an eye on the Doppelganger.
The Doppelganger has not spoken thus far.
It seems that Schopenhauer's bicycle has little influence on its virtual rider.
But then:
Excuse me! says the Doppelganger.
Jumping juggernauts! says Gaius.
Crackle, crackle, says the Doppelganger. I must issue a warning.
You sound familiar, says Gaius.
It's Belles boyfriend! says Arthur, who is riding close up behind them. It's Arne's voice!
So it is, says Gaius. How is this possible?
Virtual science, says the Doppelganger.
Of course, says Gaius. But what......?
I shall return to the Museum after the rest day, says the Doppelganger. It was not intended that I should come this far.
What's up? says Sweezus, dropping back slightly. What's he saying?
It's Belle's boyfriend, says Pablo, who has heard most of it. He's going back to Utrecht after today.
No, after tomorrow, says the Doppelganger. After the rest day and picnic.
Yeah? says Sweezus. What picnic?
Belle's picnic, says the Doppelganger. She invited me specially.
Arthur tries to keep a straight face.
So Belle has invited the Doppelganger with the voice of her boyfriend to a picnic.
Sweezus doesn't need this. Just look at his face.
We're all invited, says Arthur.
While this may not be the case now, Arthur will see that is the case tomorrow.
Sweezus is mollified, and Team Condor goes on to complete the team time trial, with Gaius the crucial fifth rider.
....
Later, Team BMC beats Team Sky by only one second. But Froomey keeps yellow.
Orica GreenEDGE will start out with only six riders.
Team Condor has five.
Yes, the genius plan of David Hume has come to fruition.
Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo, Gaius and Gaius's doppelganger ride out.
Does this get picked up by the officials?
No it does not.
Gaius is a registered rider. He rides past the official
The official ticks a box.
The Doppelganger rides past the official.
The official thinks he has had a déjà vu moment. Sacre bleu! He has ticked the box already? Tant pis!
Off they go.
Sweezus has ordered the team to stay close together, and allow no distractions.
This means, no poetry, no laughing, no beeping.
Arthur and Pablo try hard.
Gaius is keeping an eye on the Doppelganger.
The Doppelganger has not spoken thus far.
It seems that Schopenhauer's bicycle has little influence on its virtual rider.
But then:
Excuse me! says the Doppelganger.
Jumping juggernauts! says Gaius.
Crackle, crackle, says the Doppelganger. I must issue a warning.
You sound familiar, says Gaius.
It's Belles boyfriend! says Arthur, who is riding close up behind them. It's Arne's voice!
So it is, says Gaius. How is this possible?
Virtual science, says the Doppelganger.
Of course, says Gaius. But what......?
I shall return to the Museum after the rest day, says the Doppelganger. It was not intended that I should come this far.
What's up? says Sweezus, dropping back slightly. What's he saying?
It's Belle's boyfriend, says Pablo, who has heard most of it. He's going back to Utrecht after today.
No, after tomorrow, says the Doppelganger. After the rest day and picnic.
Yeah? says Sweezus. What picnic?
Belle's picnic, says the Doppelganger. She invited me specially.
Arthur tries to keep a straight face.
So Belle has invited the Doppelganger with the voice of her boyfriend to a picnic.
Sweezus doesn't need this. Just look at his face.
We're all invited, says Arthur.
While this may not be the case now, Arthur will see that is the case tomorrow.
Sweezus is mollified, and Team Condor goes on to complete the team time trial, with Gaius the crucial fifth rider.
....
Later, Team BMC beats Team Sky by only one second. But Froomey keeps yellow.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Stage 8 : Rennes to Mûr-de-Bretagne - Irresponsible
Stage 8, from Rennes to Mûr-de-Bretagne.
It is chilly but sunny in north western France.
Gaius rides up alongside Team Philosophe.
The three of them ride companionably.
You know, Gaius, says David, sometimes I forget you're with Team Condor.
So do I, says Gaius. This is just like old times.
No it isn't, says Vello.
See what I mean? says Gaius.
Ha ha, laughs David. How's Team Condor doing?
You'd have to ask Sweezus, says Gaius. But in my opinion he's losing the plot. Arthur and Pablo are thick as thieves, hatching poems, while I'm treated like a dogsbody. What about Team Philosophe?
A tragedy, says Vello. David are I are performing better than ever, but with only the two of us......
Ah, says Gaius. The team trials. You need at least five riders. We're in the same pickle. We only have four.
But there are two of you, says David. You, and the other one, who rides Schopenhauer's bicycle.
At first Gaius looks blank. Then the penny drops.
O genius! says Gaius.
He drops to the back of the peloton to pitch the genius plan to Sweezus.
Well, says Vello to David. Fine day's work YOU'VE done.
.......
Terence waits at the feeding station, holding up a musette, which Farky is sniffing.
Get away, says Terence.
You're too early, says Farky. Put it down.
No way, says Terence. You'll eat it.
I won't says Farky. Unless it's got bones.
You should know, says Terence. It hasn't. It's got water and Power Bars and gels.
Yuck, says Farky. I only like bones
But, says Terence, you can't eat bones, because ha ha, you've broken your teeth!
What a little shit Terence is. Farky gives him the evil eye.
Evil Eye >>>>>>>
Vincenzo Nibali flashes by, intercepting it unintentionally.
So Terence, says Farky, how come you're doing this? How come you're not on the back of Belle's motor bike with the card and a crayon?
I got into trouble, says Terence. BIG trouble.
What did you do? asks Farky.
I drew a big three, says Terence.
Is that all? says Farky.
On it's side, says Terence.
So, like an M or a W? says Farky.
No, like a big bottom, says Terence. With lots of dots coming out. Belle didn't like it. So she got someone else. And I have to give out the food. Watch this!
He opens his musette and takes out a Power Bar. Waves it at ... oh no! Alberto Contador.
Contador is a professional. He knows the Power Bar is not his. He rides on regardless.
Terence unwraps the Power Bar, and licks the chocolate dots off.
So irresponsible.
.....
Meanwhile the rest of the race is unfolding.
Vincenzo Nibali, thanks to the EVIL EYE, loses time.
Alexis Vuillermos wins the stage to the delight of Team AG2R le Mondiale and all French persons.
Froomey retains the yellow jersey.
And that's it for today.
It is chilly but sunny in north western France.
Gaius rides up alongside Team Philosophe.
The three of them ride companionably.
You know, Gaius, says David, sometimes I forget you're with Team Condor.
So do I, says Gaius. This is just like old times.
No it isn't, says Vello.
See what I mean? says Gaius.
Ha ha, laughs David. How's Team Condor doing?
You'd have to ask Sweezus, says Gaius. But in my opinion he's losing the plot. Arthur and Pablo are thick as thieves, hatching poems, while I'm treated like a dogsbody. What about Team Philosophe?
A tragedy, says Vello. David are I are performing better than ever, but with only the two of us......
Ah, says Gaius. The team trials. You need at least five riders. We're in the same pickle. We only have four.
But there are two of you, says David. You, and the other one, who rides Schopenhauer's bicycle.
At first Gaius looks blank. Then the penny drops.
O genius! says Gaius.
He drops to the back of the peloton to pitch the genius plan to Sweezus.
Well, says Vello to David. Fine day's work YOU'VE done.
.......
Terence waits at the feeding station, holding up a musette, which Farky is sniffing.
Get away, says Terence.
You're too early, says Farky. Put it down.
No way, says Terence. You'll eat it.
I won't says Farky. Unless it's got bones.
You should know, says Terence. It hasn't. It's got water and Power Bars and gels.
Yuck, says Farky. I only like bones
But, says Terence, you can't eat bones, because ha ha, you've broken your teeth!
What a little shit Terence is. Farky gives him the evil eye.
Evil Eye >>>>>>>
Vincenzo Nibali flashes by, intercepting it unintentionally.
So Terence, says Farky, how come you're doing this? How come you're not on the back of Belle's motor bike with the card and a crayon?
I got into trouble, says Terence. BIG trouble.
What did you do? asks Farky.
I drew a big three, says Terence.
Is that all? says Farky.
On it's side, says Terence.
So, like an M or a W? says Farky.
No, like a big bottom, says Terence. With lots of dots coming out. Belle didn't like it. So she got someone else. And I have to give out the food. Watch this!
He opens his musette and takes out a Power Bar. Waves it at ... oh no! Alberto Contador.
Contador is a professional. He knows the Power Bar is not his. He rides on regardless.
Terence unwraps the Power Bar, and licks the chocolate dots off.
So irresponsible.
.....
Meanwhile the rest of the race is unfolding.
Vincenzo Nibali, thanks to the EVIL EYE, loses time.
Alexis Vuillermos wins the stage to the delight of Team AG2R le Mondiale and all French persons.
Froomey retains the yellow jersey.
And that's it for today.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Stage 7 : Livarot to Fougères - Lucky
Terence is standing near the start point holding a crayon.
Farky-Om-Farky bounds up.
Go away, says Terence.
Where have I been? says Farky-Om-Farky.
Kidnapped, says Terence. And it was good.
It was excellent, says Farky-Om-Farky. I got a big bone.
Where is it? asks Terence.
I ate it, says Farky-Om-Farky. It was toothsome.
Farky grins, baring his teeth
Ha ha, says Terence.
What? says Farky.
Nothing, says Terence.
( And anyway, Farky should know if his own teeth are crooked).
Alberto Contador is riding to the start point with several other riders.
They speak idly of crashes.
Someone wobbles, and they all fall down.
Did you see that? says Terence.
No, says Farky-Om-Farky, still thinking of bones and their loveliness.
Luckily, no one is hurt.
........
The race begins, in Normandy.
Phil Liggett: And Chris Froome will not be wearing yellow today.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, he says he feels it wouldn't be right.
Phil Liggett: Poor Tony Martin.
Paul Sherwen: Out with a nasty broken collar bone. Not good news for Etixx-Quickstep.
Phil Liggett: And not good news for Mark Cavendish. Today's his last chance to win a stage.
Paul Sherwen; Indeed Phil. And it'll be so much harder without his team mate Tony Martin.
Phil Liggett: You never know. Mark Cavendish may be lucky.
Paul Sherwen: If he is, it won't be because of anything supernatural.
Phil Liggett: Enlighten us, Paul.
Paul Sherwen: I've been doing a little research of my own Phil. As you know, there have been rumours about a certain team's dog being .....
Phil Liggett: Kidnapped?
Paul Sherwen: Ahem. No not kidnapped. Being LUCKY. It turns out Phil, that he isn't lucky at all.
Phil Liggett: A lot of the teams seem to think so.
Paul Sherwen: He doesn't even claim to be lucky. He claims to be omniscient.
Phil Liggett: Wait a minute! Don't tell me YOU were the kidnapper, Paul?
Paul Sherwen: I just asked him a few pertinent questions. And I gave him a bone.
Phil Liggett: Well, well. So he wasn't entirely UNlucky. Now... here we are passing over a magnificent castle built in the middle ages by.....
........
Farky has a toothache.
All his new fillings are loose.
Several spectators (because he is famous) ask him who will win today's stage.
I can't say, says Farky.
Oh go on, says a particularly persistent spectator. Is it Chris Froome? Peter Sagan?
It might alter the outcome if I were to tell you, says Farky, gloomily.
(Note the proper use of the conditional).
How can it? asks the spectator. It's not as though you or I are near the finish.
The universe doesn't work like that, says Farky. Excuse me. I have toothache.
The spectator turns away at last, thinking Farky is a spoil sport.
But in fact, Farky is unsure.
His loose fillings are telling him....that it may..... be Mark Cavendish.
But may is not will.
He will have to wait till the finish, like everyone else.
.....
And the winner is...Mark Cavendish!
Who would not call that lucky.
Farky-Om-Farky bounds up.
Go away, says Terence.
Where have I been? says Farky-Om-Farky.
Kidnapped, says Terence. And it was good.
It was excellent, says Farky-Om-Farky. I got a big bone.
Where is it? asks Terence.
I ate it, says Farky-Om-Farky. It was toothsome.
Farky grins, baring his teeth
Ha ha, says Terence.
What? says Farky.
Nothing, says Terence.
( And anyway, Farky should know if his own teeth are crooked).
Alberto Contador is riding to the start point with several other riders.
They speak idly of crashes.
Someone wobbles, and they all fall down.
Did you see that? says Terence.
No, says Farky-Om-Farky, still thinking of bones and their loveliness.
Luckily, no one is hurt.
........
The race begins, in Normandy.
Phil Liggett: And Chris Froome will not be wearing yellow today.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, he says he feels it wouldn't be right.
Phil Liggett: Poor Tony Martin.
Paul Sherwen: Out with a nasty broken collar bone. Not good news for Etixx-Quickstep.
Phil Liggett: And not good news for Mark Cavendish. Today's his last chance to win a stage.
Paul Sherwen; Indeed Phil. And it'll be so much harder without his team mate Tony Martin.
Phil Liggett: You never know. Mark Cavendish may be lucky.
Paul Sherwen: If he is, it won't be because of anything supernatural.
Phil Liggett: Enlighten us, Paul.
Paul Sherwen: I've been doing a little research of my own Phil. As you know, there have been rumours about a certain team's dog being .....
Phil Liggett: Kidnapped?
Paul Sherwen: Ahem. No not kidnapped. Being LUCKY. It turns out Phil, that he isn't lucky at all.
Phil Liggett: A lot of the teams seem to think so.
Paul Sherwen: He doesn't even claim to be lucky. He claims to be omniscient.
Phil Liggett: Wait a minute! Don't tell me YOU were the kidnapper, Paul?
Paul Sherwen: I just asked him a few pertinent questions. And I gave him a bone.
Phil Liggett: Well, well. So he wasn't entirely UNlucky. Now... here we are passing over a magnificent castle built in the middle ages by.....
........
Farky has a toothache.
All his new fillings are loose.
Several spectators (because he is famous) ask him who will win today's stage.
I can't say, says Farky.
Oh go on, says a particularly persistent spectator. Is it Chris Froome? Peter Sagan?
It might alter the outcome if I were to tell you, says Farky, gloomily.
(Note the proper use of the conditional).
How can it? asks the spectator. It's not as though you or I are near the finish.
The universe doesn't work like that, says Farky. Excuse me. I have toothache.
The spectator turns away at last, thinking Farky is a spoil sport.
But in fact, Farky is unsure.
His loose fillings are telling him....that it may..... be Mark Cavendish.
But may is not will.
He will have to wait till the finish, like everyone else.
.....
And the winner is...Mark Cavendish!
Who would not call that lucky.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Stage 6 : Abbeville to Le Havre - Foam
A sunny day. The riders are hugging the coast.
Tony Martin is in the yellow jersey. He looks confident.
So does Chris Froome.
In fact everyone looks confident. It's that sort of day.
......
Farky-Om-Farky sits in the back of a car.
His blindfold is removed.
Is that better? says his captor.
No, says Farky-Om-Farky. I could see quite well before.
What? How come? says his captor.
Omniscient, says Farky-Om-Farky.
(We are about to discover how rumour can mix up the facts).
I thought you were LUCKY! says his captor.
Not so lucky, says Farky-Om-Farky. Would I be here if I was?
If you were, says his captor. It's a form of conditional. But yes, you have a point there.
( Note that the captor is English).
.........
Sweezus has decided that Team Condor should function more as a unit.
It's not good, says Sweezus. You guys, doing your own thing. You should lead me out more.
Okay, says Arthur. You only had to say.
Sure, says Pablo. We were just waiting for instructions. We are like water.
Water doesn't wait for instructions, says Gaius.
And you, Gaius, says Sweezus, go to the back and find out what's happened to Farky. And bring some snacks back.
All right says Gaius, flowing backwards.
What was that about water? asks Sweezus.
Water is another matter, says Pablo.
It takes limpid lessons from stone.
Arthur grins, and speeds up immediately, Pablo follows.
Sweezus, busy trying to figure out what Pablo meant, misses the lead out.
........
Gaius drops back.
He is now level with David and Vello.
Heard the rumours? puffs Vello. Farky's been taken. Some say by Team Sky.
Because rumour has wings, says David.
Very funny, says Vello.
......
It's less than 500 metres to the finish.
Tony Martin clips the wheel of Bryan Coquard.
Crash!
Nibali falls, and Quintano. Tony Martin breaks a collar bone.
Tony finishes, but only with the help of his team mates.
Chris Froome will wear yellow tomorrow.
Water is another matter
has no direction but its own
runs through all imaginable colours
takes limpid lessons from stone
and in these actions plays out
the unrealised ambitions of foam.
Pablo Neruda.
Tony Martin is in the yellow jersey. He looks confident.
So does Chris Froome.
In fact everyone looks confident. It's that sort of day.
......
Farky-Om-Farky sits in the back of a car.
His blindfold is removed.
Is that better? says his captor.
No, says Farky-Om-Farky. I could see quite well before.
What? How come? says his captor.
Omniscient, says Farky-Om-Farky.
(We are about to discover how rumour can mix up the facts).
I thought you were LUCKY! says his captor.
Not so lucky, says Farky-Om-Farky. Would I be here if I was?
If you were, says his captor. It's a form of conditional. But yes, you have a point there.
( Note that the captor is English).
.........
Sweezus has decided that Team Condor should function more as a unit.
It's not good, says Sweezus. You guys, doing your own thing. You should lead me out more.
Okay, says Arthur. You only had to say.
Sure, says Pablo. We were just waiting for instructions. We are like water.
Water doesn't wait for instructions, says Gaius.
And you, Gaius, says Sweezus, go to the back and find out what's happened to Farky. And bring some snacks back.
All right says Gaius, flowing backwards.
What was that about water? asks Sweezus.
Water is another matter, says Pablo.
It takes limpid lessons from stone.
Arthur grins, and speeds up immediately, Pablo follows.
Sweezus, busy trying to figure out what Pablo meant, misses the lead out.
........
Gaius drops back.
He is now level with David and Vello.
Heard the rumours? puffs Vello. Farky's been taken. Some say by Team Sky.
Because rumour has wings, says David.
Very funny, says Vello.
......
It's less than 500 metres to the finish.
Tony Martin clips the wheel of Bryan Coquard.
Crash!
Nibali falls, and Quintano. Tony Martin breaks a collar bone.
Tony finishes, but only with the help of his team mates.
Chris Froome will wear yellow tomorrow.
Water is another matter
has no direction but its own
runs through all imaginable colours
takes limpid lessons from stone
and in these actions plays out
the unrealised ambitions of foam.
Pablo Neruda.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Stage 5 : Arras to Amiens - Cui Bono?
Early morning: Belle is asleep. Terence is watching tv.
Farky-Om-Farky is picking his omniscient teeth.
Something rustles behind the curtains......
........
Stage Five begins: The skies are cloudy, and spotted with rain. It is colder.
Team Condor is riding up near the front of the peloton.
Gaius: People keep asking me questions.
Sweezus: What sort of questions?
Gaius: About Farky. They think he has special powers.
Sweezus: I wish.
Arthur: But if they they think so, he could be kidnapped.
Sweezus: Belle's looking after him.
Pablo: No she isn't.
Belle rides up on a motor cycle. Behind her sits Terence, holding a card.
Belle: Hi guys! How's it going?
Sweezus: What's this? Got a job now?
Belle: Yes, and Terence is helping.
Terence: See this card? It's for numbers.
Arthur: Time gaps?
Terence: How should I know?
Belle: Yes it is, Terence. Remember? When I get a message, I'll tell you. And you write it down on the card with your crayon. Then we show it to all the riders.
Sweezus: Good luck with that. And where's Farky?
Belle: As if he could ride on a motor bike!
Terence: AND... he's been kidnapped!
Belle: I'm sure he hasn't.
Terence: He was there. Then he wasn't.
Pablo: He HAS been kidnapped! That's how it happens.
Belle: He'll turn up. He can look after himself.
Sweezus: But you were supposed....
Belle: To tell you the truth, I'm SICK of looking after him. He's a know-all.
Terence: Yes, he thinks he knows EVERYTHING. He says You're going to be sad now, then he bites you......
Belle: Not you, Terence. Your parrot.
Arthur: Classic bully.
Pablo: Good riddance.
Gaius: Pity. I was going to ask him a question.
Belle rides off with Terence, in a puff of black fumes.
Team Philosophe rides up alongside.
I've got a question, says Vello. What's going on? That's my question.
Farky's been kidnapped, says Sweezus.
Or murdered, says Arthur.
Good, says Vello. That's one problem out of the way.
I say, Vello, says David. That's a bit callous. He wasn't our problem.
Superstition and mumbo jumbo is always my problem, says Vello. No, my question is: Why are there two of you, Gaius?
Two of me? says Gaius. And you say you reject mumbo jumbo?
Everyone's seen you, says Vello. Darting here and there, beeping.
I never beep, says Gaius. Proof positive, right there.
Beep beep! Virtual Gaius speeds by, on Schopenhauer's bike.
There you are! says Vello. Now deny it!
Oh that, says Gaius. I can explain.
.......
But enough of their troubles.
Nacer Bouhanni has crashed and is out of the race.
The road is slippery. Later, there is a pile up.
But everyone gets up again.
Each one of the fallen-and-risen pays silent respect to Farky.
Farky, who, rumour has it, has been kidnapped.
Who would do this?
Who?
Andre Greipel, who wins the stage in front of Peter Sagan?
Tony Martin, who retains the yellow jersey?
Surfing-With-Whales, his former master?
Mark Cavendish? Nairo Quintana?
Chris Froome?
Farky-Om-Farky is picking his omniscient teeth.
Something rustles behind the curtains......
........
Stage Five begins: The skies are cloudy, and spotted with rain. It is colder.
Team Condor is riding up near the front of the peloton.
Gaius: People keep asking me questions.
Sweezus: What sort of questions?
Gaius: About Farky. They think he has special powers.
Sweezus: I wish.
Arthur: But if they they think so, he could be kidnapped.
Sweezus: Belle's looking after him.
Pablo: No she isn't.
Belle rides up on a motor cycle. Behind her sits Terence, holding a card.
Belle: Hi guys! How's it going?
Sweezus: What's this? Got a job now?
Belle: Yes, and Terence is helping.
Terence: See this card? It's for numbers.
Arthur: Time gaps?
Terence: How should I know?
Belle: Yes it is, Terence. Remember? When I get a message, I'll tell you. And you write it down on the card with your crayon. Then we show it to all the riders.
Sweezus: Good luck with that. And where's Farky?
Belle: As if he could ride on a motor bike!
Terence: AND... he's been kidnapped!
Belle: I'm sure he hasn't.
Terence: He was there. Then he wasn't.
Pablo: He HAS been kidnapped! That's how it happens.
Belle: He'll turn up. He can look after himself.
Sweezus: But you were supposed....
Belle: To tell you the truth, I'm SICK of looking after him. He's a know-all.
Terence: Yes, he thinks he knows EVERYTHING. He says You're going to be sad now, then he bites you......
Belle: Not you, Terence. Your parrot.
Arthur: Classic bully.
Pablo: Good riddance.
Gaius: Pity. I was going to ask him a question.
Belle rides off with Terence, in a puff of black fumes.
Team Philosophe rides up alongside.
I've got a question, says Vello. What's going on? That's my question.
Farky's been kidnapped, says Sweezus.
Or murdered, says Arthur.
Good, says Vello. That's one problem out of the way.
I say, Vello, says David. That's a bit callous. He wasn't our problem.
Superstition and mumbo jumbo is always my problem, says Vello. No, my question is: Why are there two of you, Gaius?
Two of me? says Gaius. And you say you reject mumbo jumbo?
Everyone's seen you, says Vello. Darting here and there, beeping.
I never beep, says Gaius. Proof positive, right there.
Beep beep! Virtual Gaius speeds by, on Schopenhauer's bike.
There you are! says Vello. Now deny it!
Oh that, says Gaius. I can explain.
.......
But enough of their troubles.
Nacer Bouhanni has crashed and is out of the race.
The road is slippery. Later, there is a pile up.
But everyone gets up again.
Each one of the fallen-and-risen pays silent respect to Farky.
Farky, who, rumour has it, has been kidnapped.
Who would do this?
Who?
Andre Greipel, who wins the stage in front of Peter Sagan?
Tony Martin, who retains the yellow jersey?
Surfing-With-Whales, his former master?
Mark Cavendish? Nairo Quintana?
Chris Froome?
Stage 4 : Seraing to Cambrai - Nervous
The longest stage, with several sections of cobblestones.
The teams stream out of Seraing.
Team Philosophe is directly behind Team Condor.
This continues until:
Surfing-With-Whales in Astana colours passes them by on the cobbles.
Oi! calls Sweezus.
Surfing-With-Whales drops back, looking slightly embarrassed.
Escaped from the Border Force? says Sweezus.
Let me off, says Surfing-With-Whales.
How come you're riding for Team Astana? asks Sweezus.
...mumblemumble.... says Surfing-With-Whales.
Sweezus doesn't hear the answer, for the noise of the cobblestones.
........
Surfing-With-Whales rides up alongside his team leader, Vincenzo Nibali, and his team mate Lars Boom.
I am nervous of these cobbles, says Nibali. I long for the help of the Dog.
What dog? asks Surfing-With-Whales.
The Foreseeing Dog of Team Condor, says Nibali.
Everyone has heard of this dog, says Lars Boom. It's how Froomey won yesterday.
What Foreseeing Dog? says Surfing-With-Whales. You don't mean Farky?
Yes, Farky, says Lars Boom. If we could harness this Farky.....
He's MY dog, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Is he? says Tony Martin riding up behind them. Your dog?
Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. I only gave him to Sweezus because of the vet bill.
Ah, the vet bill, says Vincenzo Nibali.
Dental work, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Tell me about it, says Tony Martin. Dental work is always expensive.
More cobbles.
No one can hear anyone.
Now they can.
Tony Martin: I've been told that today is my day, guys. See you all at the finish.
Did you hear that? says Vincenzo Nibali.
Tony Martin speeds off over the cobbles, passing Alberto Contador who is having rim trouble, and being helped by Peter Sagan.
Swap bikes, Alberto? asks Peter Sagan.
No, says Alberto, the rim is bent and scraping the brakes, but I shall go on. I feel lucky.
And Alberto is lucky. He loses no time.
Froomey is nervous. He doesn't want to stuff up on the cobbles.
Tony Martin rumbles past Froomey. Well, let him.
Tony Martin wins the day.
John Dekengolb comes in second.
Farky gets most of the the credit.
The teams stream out of Seraing.
Team Philosophe is directly behind Team Condor.
This continues until:
Surfing-With-Whales in Astana colours passes them by on the cobbles.
Oi! calls Sweezus.
Surfing-With-Whales drops back, looking slightly embarrassed.
Escaped from the Border Force? says Sweezus.
Let me off, says Surfing-With-Whales.
How come you're riding for Team Astana? asks Sweezus.
...mumblemumble.... says Surfing-With-Whales.
Sweezus doesn't hear the answer, for the noise of the cobblestones.
........
Surfing-With-Whales rides up alongside his team leader, Vincenzo Nibali, and his team mate Lars Boom.
I am nervous of these cobbles, says Nibali. I long for the help of the Dog.
What dog? asks Surfing-With-Whales.
The Foreseeing Dog of Team Condor, says Nibali.
Everyone has heard of this dog, says Lars Boom. It's how Froomey won yesterday.
What Foreseeing Dog? says Surfing-With-Whales. You don't mean Farky?
Yes, Farky, says Lars Boom. If we could harness this Farky.....
He's MY dog, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Is he? says Tony Martin riding up behind them. Your dog?
Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. I only gave him to Sweezus because of the vet bill.
Ah, the vet bill, says Vincenzo Nibali.
Dental work, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Tell me about it, says Tony Martin. Dental work is always expensive.
More cobbles.
No one can hear anyone.
Now they can.
Tony Martin: I've been told that today is my day, guys. See you all at the finish.
Did you hear that? says Vincenzo Nibali.
Tony Martin speeds off over the cobbles, passing Alberto Contador who is having rim trouble, and being helped by Peter Sagan.
Swap bikes, Alberto? asks Peter Sagan.
No, says Alberto, the rim is bent and scraping the brakes, but I shall go on. I feel lucky.
And Alberto is lucky. He loses no time.
Froomey is nervous. He doesn't want to stuff up on the cobbles.
Tony Martin rumbles past Froomey. Well, let him.
Tony Martin wins the day.
John Dekengolb comes in second.
Farky gets most of the the credit.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Stage 3 : Anvers to Huy - Beware
Rumour is rife among the riders.
Team Condor has a Foreseeing Dog.
Chris Froome, who so far has been lucky, sends Richie Porte over.
See what you can find out, Richie. You know 'em.
Okay, chief, says Richie.
They are best mates after all.
Richie Porte wheels his way to the start line where Sweezus is standing with Farks.
An official comes up to Sweezus.
Get that dog off the course, says the official. He shouldn't be there.
Where should he be? says Sweezus.
He should be THERE, says the official, pointing to a safe spot behind a barrier.
Be where? says Farky-Om-Farky, feigning inattention.
This is the moment that Richie rocks up.
Woah, man says Richie. This the famous dog?
Yeah, says Sweezus. He's just leaving. Go on Farks, stay with Belle and Terence. And no balloon biting.
I heard him say something just then, says Richie.
Fucking useless, says Sweezus. And another thing, he's no fun since he got the new teeth. How're you doing anyway?
Good, says Richie. About to have a book of poems published.
No way! says Sweezus.
Yep. Shit, the start bell! Better get back to the team. See ya later.
Richie wheels his way back to Chris Froome.
Dog says BEWARE, reports Richie.
Good man, thanks for the heads up, says his captain and best friend Chris Froome.
.......
Stage Three is now well under way in fine weather, the wind is less blowy.
Team Philosophe tries to catch up to Team Astana.
I swear I saw Surfing-With-Whales, puffs David. He was wearing the Astana colours.
Impossible, pants Vello. If he were here, he'd be riding for us.
But nonetheless, that turquoise backside up ahead looks suspicious.
.....
Fifty five kilometres from the finish in Huy, something bad happens.
A rider clips another, and falls over.
A bunch of riders swerve to avoid him. Some run into a lamp post. They all fall over.
Fabian Cancellara is hurt and so are Simon Gerrans, Tom Dumoulin, Daryl Impey, and others.
The race is stopped, neutralised and restarted.
......
Chris Froome now wears the yellow jersey.
Chris Froome is over the moon and can't keep his mouth shut.
If it wasn't for the Dog's timely warning, says Chris Froome, I might have been in that accident and not ended up wearing yellow.
Crumbs! Shut up! Everyone's listening!
Alberto Contador, Vincenzo Nibali, Tony Martin, Tejay Van Garderen, Nairo Quintana.....
All (except for Alberto) now plot to gain hold of the Dog.
Team Condor has a Foreseeing Dog.
Chris Froome, who so far has been lucky, sends Richie Porte over.
See what you can find out, Richie. You know 'em.
Okay, chief, says Richie.
They are best mates after all.
Richie Porte wheels his way to the start line where Sweezus is standing with Farks.
An official comes up to Sweezus.
Get that dog off the course, says the official. He shouldn't be there.
Where should he be? says Sweezus.
He should be THERE, says the official, pointing to a safe spot behind a barrier.
Be where? says Farky-Om-Farky, feigning inattention.
This is the moment that Richie rocks up.
Woah, man says Richie. This the famous dog?
Yeah, says Sweezus. He's just leaving. Go on Farks, stay with Belle and Terence. And no balloon biting.
I heard him say something just then, says Richie.
Fucking useless, says Sweezus. And another thing, he's no fun since he got the new teeth. How're you doing anyway?
Good, says Richie. About to have a book of poems published.
No way! says Sweezus.
Yep. Shit, the start bell! Better get back to the team. See ya later.
Richie wheels his way back to Chris Froome.
Dog says BEWARE, reports Richie.
Good man, thanks for the heads up, says his captain and best friend Chris Froome.
.......
Stage Three is now well under way in fine weather, the wind is less blowy.
Team Philosophe tries to catch up to Team Astana.
I swear I saw Surfing-With-Whales, puffs David. He was wearing the Astana colours.
Impossible, pants Vello. If he were here, he'd be riding for us.
But nonetheless, that turquoise backside up ahead looks suspicious.
.....
Fifty five kilometres from the finish in Huy, something bad happens.
A rider clips another, and falls over.
A bunch of riders swerve to avoid him. Some run into a lamp post. They all fall over.
Fabian Cancellara is hurt and so are Simon Gerrans, Tom Dumoulin, Daryl Impey, and others.
The race is stopped, neutralised and restarted.
......
Chris Froome now wears the yellow jersey.
Chris Froome is over the moon and can't keep his mouth shut.
If it wasn't for the Dog's timely warning, says Chris Froome, I might have been in that accident and not ended up wearing yellow.
Crumbs! Shut up! Everyone's listening!
Alberto Contador, Vincenzo Nibali, Tony Martin, Tejay Van Garderen, Nairo Quintana.....
All (except for Alberto) now plot to gain hold of the Dog.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Stage 2 : Utrecht to Zélande - Mindless
Clear skies for a warm start in Utrecht.
Vello looks for Gaius at the start line.
There he is, on a racer.
See that? says Vello to David. Different bike. And yesterday Gaius looked positively robotic.
As we all did, says David.
Nit picker, says Vello. I'm just saying, that's all. Something funny's going on with Team Condor.
Team Condor? says Rafal Majka, who is lined up behind them. This is the team with the Foreseeing Dog?
So I believe, says David cagily.
Let me tell you something about that Dog, says Rafal Majka.
What is it? asks Vello.
It knows nothing, says Rafal Majka.
Bang! They are off.
Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo are sticking together.
Gaius (the real one) is riding in front.
And now, a surprise for nearly everyone.
Surfing-With-Whales rides by in bright blue.
Guys! says Surfing-With-Whales, passing them quickly.
As well he might. Why is he riding for Team Astana?
Why isn't he stuck on Nauru?
No time to ask, no time to answer.
There is a rumour the weather is changing.
It gets windy fast and the peleton splits as it does in that circumstance.
Who can say why?
It is as though the peloton were segments of a caterpillar.
Or a tape worm.
Or an amoeba...
Or mindless bacteria....
.....
Arthur and Pablo are in the front echelon.
They are keen to reach the bad weather as fast as they can.
Poets!
The reeds beside the canal blow wildly.
The poplars sway.
The sky blackens.
The rain lashes down.
.....
Farky-Om-Farky is watching the finish with Belle and Terence.
(The sun has come out again, it is fine).
Terence is waving a parrot which he made earlier.
Who are you going for, Terence? asks Belle.
The winner, says Terence. This one! No that one! Yippee!
Andre Greipel just pips Peter Sagan.
That was exciting, says Belle.
Not for me, says Farky-Om-Farky.
Mister know-all, says Terence. So NOW what's going to happen?
You're going to be sad, says Farky-Om-Farky.
No I'm not, no I'm not, says Terence.
Farky-Om-Farky bares a fang and pops Terence's parrot. POP.
Terence is sad.
Vello looks for Gaius at the start line.
There he is, on a racer.
See that? says Vello to David. Different bike. And yesterday Gaius looked positively robotic.
As we all did, says David.
Nit picker, says Vello. I'm just saying, that's all. Something funny's going on with Team Condor.
Team Condor? says Rafal Majka, who is lined up behind them. This is the team with the Foreseeing Dog?
So I believe, says David cagily.
Let me tell you something about that Dog, says Rafal Majka.
What is it? asks Vello.
It knows nothing, says Rafal Majka.
Bang! They are off.
Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo are sticking together.
Gaius (the real one) is riding in front.
And now, a surprise for nearly everyone.
Surfing-With-Whales rides by in bright blue.
Guys! says Surfing-With-Whales, passing them quickly.
As well he might. Why is he riding for Team Astana?
Why isn't he stuck on Nauru?
No time to ask, no time to answer.
There is a rumour the weather is changing.
It gets windy fast and the peleton splits as it does in that circumstance.
Who can say why?
It is as though the peloton were segments of a caterpillar.
Or a tape worm.
Or an amoeba...
Or mindless bacteria....
.....
Arthur and Pablo are in the front echelon.
They are keen to reach the bad weather as fast as they can.
Poets!
The reeds beside the canal blow wildly.
The poplars sway.
The sky blackens.
The rain lashes down.
.....
Farky-Om-Farky is watching the finish with Belle and Terence.
(The sun has come out again, it is fine).
Terence is waving a parrot which he made earlier.
Who are you going for, Terence? asks Belle.
The winner, says Terence. This one! No that one! Yippee!
Andre Greipel just pips Peter Sagan.
That was exciting, says Belle.
Not for me, says Farky-Om-Farky.
Mister know-all, says Terence. So NOW what's going to happen?
You're going to be sad, says Farky-Om-Farky.
No I'm not, no I'm not, says Terence.
Farky-Om-Farky bares a fang and pops Terence's parrot. POP.
Terence is sad.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Stage 1 : Time Trials Utrecht - Prescience
A hot day in Utrecht. Team Condor warms up for the time trials, on exercise bikes.
Farky-Om-Farky is supposed to be observing.
But he has not even noticed Michael Rogers lurking nearby.
What do you reckon, Farks? asks Sweezus.
What about? says Farky-Om-Farky.
I know, he adds quickly.
Well? says Sweezus.
I can't tell you, in fairness, says Farky-Om-Farky. It may alter the results of the time trials.
May? says Arthur. Don't you know?
I fear this omniscient dog will be useless, says Pablo, pedalling dispiritedly.
Just do your best, says Farky-Om-Farky, darkly.
Michael Rogers tiptoes off to report to Team Tinkoff Saxo.
Well? says Alberto.
It knows, says Michael Rogers, but it's being cagey.
Who will win? says Alberto.
The dog wouldn't say, says Michael Rogers. It said it would alter the results.
That is cheating, says Alberto.
No, says Michael Rogers. The dog meant if it said who would win, it would alter the results.
No lo creo! says Alberto. How could that be?
Ding!
It is now the turn of Rafal Majka to ride his time trial.
Buena suerte, Rafal! says Alberto. The future-knowing dog of Team Condor says you will win.
Excelente! says Rafal, zooming off to the start point.
You shouldn't have said that, Alberto, says Michael Rogers.
It is an experiment, says Alberto. To see if the results will be altered.
By what? says Michael Rogers.
By Rafal knowing this untrue fact, says Alberto.
Sure enough, Rafal does not win the time trial.
Proving something to Alberto, although it is none too clear what.
Let us now go to the start point and see what is happening.
Vello (Team Philosophe) is about to ride down the chute.
There is a momentary kerfuffle while his qualification papers are double checked.
Then: quatre...trois....deux....un. Depart!
He rides hard, until he remembers the words of the official. Don't bust a gut.
He slows a little.
After all no point in overdoing things on day one.
He looks about him, at the encouraging crowds in summer tee shirts.
A bicycle draws up alongside.
God's Goggles! It's Gaius, riding Schopenhauer's bicycle.
Gaius, says Vello. I thought you'd got rid of that bike.
The Gaius on the Schopenhauer bicycle pays him no attention.
He passes Vello, pedalling robotically, emitting sudden flashes and beepings at corners.
Vello shrugs and keeps riding, resolving to follow this up.
.....
Rohan Dennis, (Team BMC), flows down the chute, unaware that today is his day.
He rides like the clappers. Then even faster than clappers.
Woosh!
Fastest speed ever recorded in a Tour de France time trial : 55.446 kmh
Rohan Dennis, the winner.
You knew, Farks? says Sweezus
Course I knew, says Farky-Om-Farky.
Farky-Om-Farky is supposed to be observing.
But he has not even noticed Michael Rogers lurking nearby.
What do you reckon, Farks? asks Sweezus.
What about? says Farky-Om-Farky.
I know, he adds quickly.
Well? says Sweezus.
I can't tell you, in fairness, says Farky-Om-Farky. It may alter the results of the time trials.
May? says Arthur. Don't you know?
I fear this omniscient dog will be useless, says Pablo, pedalling dispiritedly.
Just do your best, says Farky-Om-Farky, darkly.
Michael Rogers tiptoes off to report to Team Tinkoff Saxo.
Well? says Alberto.
It knows, says Michael Rogers, but it's being cagey.
Who will win? says Alberto.
The dog wouldn't say, says Michael Rogers. It said it would alter the results.
That is cheating, says Alberto.
No, says Michael Rogers. The dog meant if it said who would win, it would alter the results.
No lo creo! says Alberto. How could that be?
Ding!
It is now the turn of Rafal Majka to ride his time trial.
Buena suerte, Rafal! says Alberto. The future-knowing dog of Team Condor says you will win.
Excelente! says Rafal, zooming off to the start point.
You shouldn't have said that, Alberto, says Michael Rogers.
It is an experiment, says Alberto. To see if the results will be altered.
By what? says Michael Rogers.
By Rafal knowing this untrue fact, says Alberto.
Sure enough, Rafal does not win the time trial.
Proving something to Alberto, although it is none too clear what.
Let us now go to the start point and see what is happening.
Vello (Team Philosophe) is about to ride down the chute.
There is a momentary kerfuffle while his qualification papers are double checked.
Then: quatre...trois....deux....un. Depart!
He rides hard, until he remembers the words of the official. Don't bust a gut.
He slows a little.
After all no point in overdoing things on day one.
He looks about him, at the encouraging crowds in summer tee shirts.
A bicycle draws up alongside.
God's Goggles! It's Gaius, riding Schopenhauer's bicycle.
Gaius, says Vello. I thought you'd got rid of that bike.
The Gaius on the Schopenhauer bicycle pays him no attention.
He passes Vello, pedalling robotically, emitting sudden flashes and beepings at corners.
Vello shrugs and keeps riding, resolving to follow this up.
.....
Rohan Dennis, (Team BMC), flows down the chute, unaware that today is his day.
He rides like the clappers. Then even faster than clappers.
Woosh!
Fastest speed ever recorded in a Tour de France time trial : 55.446 kmh
Rohan Dennis, the winner.
You knew, Farks? says Sweezus
Course I knew, says Farky-Om-Farky.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Not A Rational Race
Next morning. One day to go to the start of the Tour.
Vello presents himself to an official.
As you see, says Vello. Here I am, alive. I assume I may now be un-disqualified?
Certainly, says the official. But you have already been un-disqualified. Didn't you know?
Very good, says Vello. How was that accomplished?
Failure to present a death certificate, says the official.
By whom? asks Vello.
By the rider from Team Condor, says the official. You know the one....
I do know, says Vello. Well thank you. I shall do my best to bring honour to the Tour in the forthcoming weeks.
Don't bust a gut, says the official.
.......
Team Saxo Tinkoff is having an extraordinary meeting, after breakfast.
Alberto Contador: What is going on, men?
Peter Sagan: It's about Team Condor. They have a secret weapon
Alberto Contador: This we know.
Roman Kreuziger: Now we have seen it. A dog.
Alberto Contador: But who among us does not have one?
Peter Sagan: This one has special powers.
Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! What can it do?
Roman Kreuziger: It can, if we are to believe the rumours, predict the future.
Alberto Contador: Keep an ear for this hound. All of you. Especially you Michael. As you are an Aussie, they will not suspect you.
Michael Rogers: Rightio.
.......
Gaius has returned to the University, on his borrowed state of the art racer.
He is looking for Dr Roland Geraerts.
He finds him, in the FietsLAB, bending over Schopenhauer's bicycle. Another man is with him, also bending.
Gaius, says Roland, straightening up. This is my associate Dr Arjan Egges, from the Virtual Human Tech Lab.
Fascinating bike, says Arjan. Roland and I are setting it up for a test ride. You're just in time.
He flicks a switch and the bicycle appears .... TO HAVE A VIRTUAL RIDER.
Jumping Jigglers! says Gaius. But isn't that ME?
It looks like you, says Dr Arjan. We used you as a template. Watch this!
The bike with virtual Gaius on it, zooms out of the Fiets LAB and onto the street.
A screen in the FietsLAB, follows its progress. Beep. Beep. Ping. Numbers flash on and off.
See. It's monitoring crowd density, says Roland.
This is better than we hoped for, says Arjan.
Gaius is not so sure. He is watching himself on the screen.
And he doesn't look like a man participating in science.
He looks like a man who is thinking that the universe is not a rational place.
Vello presents himself to an official.
As you see, says Vello. Here I am, alive. I assume I may now be un-disqualified?
Certainly, says the official. But you have already been un-disqualified. Didn't you know?
Very good, says Vello. How was that accomplished?
Failure to present a death certificate, says the official.
By whom? asks Vello.
By the rider from Team Condor, says the official. You know the one....
I do know, says Vello. Well thank you. I shall do my best to bring honour to the Tour in the forthcoming weeks.
Don't bust a gut, says the official.
.......
Team Saxo Tinkoff is having an extraordinary meeting, after breakfast.
Alberto Contador: What is going on, men?
Peter Sagan: It's about Team Condor. They have a secret weapon
Alberto Contador: This we know.
Roman Kreuziger: Now we have seen it. A dog.
Alberto Contador: But who among us does not have one?
Peter Sagan: This one has special powers.
Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! What can it do?
Roman Kreuziger: It can, if we are to believe the rumours, predict the future.
Alberto Contador: Keep an ear for this hound. All of you. Especially you Michael. As you are an Aussie, they will not suspect you.
Michael Rogers: Rightio.
.......
Gaius has returned to the University, on his borrowed state of the art racer.
He is looking for Dr Roland Geraerts.
He finds him, in the FietsLAB, bending over Schopenhauer's bicycle. Another man is with him, also bending.
Gaius, says Roland, straightening up. This is my associate Dr Arjan Egges, from the Virtual Human Tech Lab.
Fascinating bike, says Arjan. Roland and I are setting it up for a test ride. You're just in time.
He flicks a switch and the bicycle appears .... TO HAVE A VIRTUAL RIDER.
Jumping Jigglers! says Gaius. But isn't that ME?
It looks like you, says Dr Arjan. We used you as a template. Watch this!
The bike with virtual Gaius on it, zooms out of the Fiets LAB and onto the street.
A screen in the FietsLAB, follows its progress. Beep. Beep. Ping. Numbers flash on and off.
See. It's monitoring crowd density, says Roland.
This is better than we hoped for, says Arjan.
Gaius is not so sure. He is watching himself on the screen.
And he doesn't look like a man participating in science.
He looks like a man who is thinking that the universe is not a rational place.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Mind Games And Treachery
Team Condor has moved on to Kafe Belgie, a cool local bar.
(Belgian beer too is a health food).
Belle arrives, with Arne and Terence.
Sweezie! says Belle. You made it! Hi Arthur! Hi Pablo.
Where's Farky? says Terence, who is partially bandaged.
Terence, says Sweezus. What happened?
I broke the Oculus Rift, says Terence. And it broke me.
It wasn't his fault, says Belle. Oculus Rifts are mental.
Farky-Om-Farky sticks his head up to see.
Dear me, says Gaius. Is that the virtual reality head-mounted display that he's broken?
Yes, says Arne. But don't worry. They have plenty more. I'm Arne, by the way, he adds, looking at Sweezus.
Oh yes! says Belle. Arne really wanted to meet you. So I brought him.
Terence makes smoochy noises.
Sweezus scowls.
Farky-Om-Farky says softly, Terence, come under.
Terence bobs his head under the table.
Tell me more of the Oculus Rift, says Farky-Om-Farky.
If you're so SMART, says Terence, you should know about it already.
I said MORE, says Farky-Om-Farky. And I was just trying to get your attention. Don't make smoochy noises.
Why not? says Terence, making another. Smoooo-pwch!
Because, bone head, says Farky-Om-Farky, Sweezus will get jealous. And that isn't good for the team.
You're the BONE head, says Terence. We're on Opposite teams.
You're not even on a team, says Farky-Om-Farky. Your team is disqualified.
As if you knew ANYTHING, says Terence. I bet you don't even know .....anything.
See, says Farky-Om-Farky. You couldn't even think of anything I wouldn't know.
What's in my pocket? says Terence.
Balloons, says Farky-Om-Farky.
(To be fair, he can see them poking out).
On a higher level:
What's the story with Surfing-With-Whales? asks Belle. Papa might end up un-disqualified, but so far he's only got two in his Team.
Ask Arthur, says Sweezus.
It was an unfortunate coincidence, says Arthur. But funny. Surfing-With-Whales got caught by Customs with a package on the day they became Border Force.
What's so funny? asks Belle.
He should have kept quiet, says Arthur. It was only Ginko Biloba. But he shouted: You guys ought to know what this is!
They kept goading him. What? What? Repeat that!
IS! repeats Surfing-With-Whales. IS!IS!
Got that, sir, say the Border Protection. ISIS. We're taking you into custody. You have no right to say anything further, you traitor.
Wow! says Belle. That WAS pretty funny! But......he might end up on Nauru!
Nah, says Sweezus. His mum's on the case. He'll turn up. Tell Vello not to worry.
But then, he would say that, wouldn't he.
What intrigue this year's Tour de France holds......
(Belgian beer too is a health food).
Belle arrives, with Arne and Terence.
Sweezie! says Belle. You made it! Hi Arthur! Hi Pablo.
Where's Farky? says Terence, who is partially bandaged.
Terence, says Sweezus. What happened?
I broke the Oculus Rift, says Terence. And it broke me.
It wasn't his fault, says Belle. Oculus Rifts are mental.
Farky-Om-Farky sticks his head up to see.
Dear me, says Gaius. Is that the virtual reality head-mounted display that he's broken?
Yes, says Arne. But don't worry. They have plenty more. I'm Arne, by the way, he adds, looking at Sweezus.
Oh yes! says Belle. Arne really wanted to meet you. So I brought him.
Terence makes smoochy noises.
Sweezus scowls.
Farky-Om-Farky says softly, Terence, come under.
Terence bobs his head under the table.
Tell me more of the Oculus Rift, says Farky-Om-Farky.
If you're so SMART, says Terence, you should know about it already.
I said MORE, says Farky-Om-Farky. And I was just trying to get your attention. Don't make smoochy noises.
Why not? says Terence, making another. Smoooo-pwch!
Because, bone head, says Farky-Om-Farky, Sweezus will get jealous. And that isn't good for the team.
You're the BONE head, says Terence. We're on Opposite teams.
You're not even on a team, says Farky-Om-Farky. Your team is disqualified.
As if you knew ANYTHING, says Terence. I bet you don't even know .....anything.
See, says Farky-Om-Farky. You couldn't even think of anything I wouldn't know.
What's in my pocket? says Terence.
Balloons, says Farky-Om-Farky.
(To be fair, he can see them poking out).
On a higher level:
What's the story with Surfing-With-Whales? asks Belle. Papa might end up un-disqualified, but so far he's only got two in his Team.
Ask Arthur, says Sweezus.
It was an unfortunate coincidence, says Arthur. But funny. Surfing-With-Whales got caught by Customs with a package on the day they became Border Force.
What's so funny? asks Belle.
He should have kept quiet, says Arthur. It was only Ginko Biloba. But he shouted: You guys ought to know what this is!
They kept goading him. What? What? Repeat that!
IS! repeats Surfing-With-Whales. IS!IS!
Got that, sir, say the Border Protection. ISIS. We're taking you into custody. You have no right to say anything further, you traitor.
Wow! says Belle. That WAS pretty funny! But......he might end up on Nauru!
Nah, says Sweezus. His mum's on the case. He'll turn up. Tell Vello not to worry.
But then, he would say that, wouldn't he.
What intrigue this year's Tour de France holds......
Bicycle Most Strange
Arne goes inside to tell Belle that he is taking Gaius to the FietsLAB.
Does she want to come too?
Yes, says Belle. But I'll have to bring Terence. Okay?
Sure, says Arne. Terence will enjoy to meet Mr Muscle, and have a turn with the Oculus Rift.
They decide to walk to the University Museum, Gaius wheeling the Schopenhauerian bike.
Even being wheeled, the bike exerts a powerful influence.
I have not yet spoken my last word about women, says Gaius.
Pardon? says Belle.
He says he has not yet spoken his last word about women, says Arne helpfully. Is that Schopenhauer?
No doubt, says Gaius. I can no longer control this bicycle. Perhaps you would wheel it.
Arne obliges. He is now wheeling Schopenhauer's bicycle to the FietsLAB.
What was that about women? asks Belle.
They hold up half the sky, says Arne. Wow! Did you hear what I said there?
Isn't that Chairman Mao? says Belle.
I must have misheard it, says Arne.
Are we there yet? asks Terence. I'm bugged.
Speaking of women, says Gaius, I suspect Margaret.
I suspect the Virgin, says Terence.
That's naughty, says Belle. If you don't behave, you won't meet Mr Muscle.
Terence is silent. He does want to meet Mr Muscle.
At the FietsLAB, there are many visitors, most of them families.
Some of them are looking at exhibits; some listening to Mr Muscle explain how our muscles work, and how we may break our bones if we fall off a bicycle; some are queueing to try out the Oculus Rift.
Belle and Terence join the queue.
Arne goes off to look for his friend, an assistant professor.
.........
This is Roland, says Arne. He works here. Roland, this is Gaius, And this is his bicycle.
May I try it? asks Roland.
Certainly, says Gaius.
Roland gets on.
Whereas Roland is normally happy go lucky, he at once feels a blanket of Suffering descend.
He wobbles all round the exhibits, coming to grief on the floor.
I must have this bicycle, thinks Roland.
......
Later that evening, at Meneer Smakers, Team Condor convenes.
Sweezus and Arthur, Pablo and Gaius, have ordered Aunt Tamaras.
These are: gourmet beef burgers with truffle mayo, sundried tomatoes and parmesan cheese.
(Gourmet burgers, the universal health food!)
Gaius: And in exchange, he lent me a state of the art racing bicycle.
Sweezus: Awesome. So that's sorted.
Gaius: And Team Philosophe is disqualified. Did you know that?
Sweezus: Shit no. How come?
Gaius: Ask Arthur.
Arthur: How should I know?
Pablo: You do know. This is bad news for your friend Surfing-With-Whales.
Gaius: Is he still being detained?
Sweezus: Yeah. But his mum's going on Sixty Minutes. Weeping. He'll make it.
Pablo: He doesn't have long.
Sweezus: Chill, man. Not really our problem. Hey Farks! Want a chunk of this burger? It's wicked.
Farky-Om-Farky (who is under the table) does not deign to answer.
Does she want to come too?
Yes, says Belle. But I'll have to bring Terence. Okay?
Sure, says Arne. Terence will enjoy to meet Mr Muscle, and have a turn with the Oculus Rift.
They decide to walk to the University Museum, Gaius wheeling the Schopenhauerian bike.
Even being wheeled, the bike exerts a powerful influence.
I have not yet spoken my last word about women, says Gaius.
Pardon? says Belle.
He says he has not yet spoken his last word about women, says Arne helpfully. Is that Schopenhauer?
No doubt, says Gaius. I can no longer control this bicycle. Perhaps you would wheel it.
Arne obliges. He is now wheeling Schopenhauer's bicycle to the FietsLAB.
What was that about women? asks Belle.
They hold up half the sky, says Arne. Wow! Did you hear what I said there?
Isn't that Chairman Mao? says Belle.
I must have misheard it, says Arne.
Are we there yet? asks Terence. I'm bugged.
Speaking of women, says Gaius, I suspect Margaret.
I suspect the Virgin, says Terence.
That's naughty, says Belle. If you don't behave, you won't meet Mr Muscle.
Terence is silent. He does want to meet Mr Muscle.
At the FietsLAB, there are many visitors, most of them families.
Some of them are looking at exhibits; some listening to Mr Muscle explain how our muscles work, and how we may break our bones if we fall off a bicycle; some are queueing to try out the Oculus Rift.
Belle and Terence join the queue.
Arne goes off to look for his friend, an assistant professor.
.........
This is Roland, says Arne. He works here. Roland, this is Gaius, And this is his bicycle.
May I try it? asks Roland.
Certainly, says Gaius.
Roland gets on.
Whereas Roland is normally happy go lucky, he at once feels a blanket of Suffering descend.
He wobbles all round the exhibits, coming to grief on the floor.
I must have this bicycle, thinks Roland.
......
Later that evening, at Meneer Smakers, Team Condor convenes.
Sweezus and Arthur, Pablo and Gaius, have ordered Aunt Tamaras.
These are: gourmet beef burgers with truffle mayo, sundried tomatoes and parmesan cheese.
(Gourmet burgers, the universal health food!)
Gaius: And in exchange, he lent me a state of the art racing bicycle.
Sweezus: Awesome. So that's sorted.
Gaius: And Team Philosophe is disqualified. Did you know that?
Sweezus: Shit no. How come?
Gaius: Ask Arthur.
Arthur: How should I know?
Pablo: You do know. This is bad news for your friend Surfing-With-Whales.
Gaius: Is he still being detained?
Sweezus: Yeah. But his mum's going on Sixty Minutes. Weeping. He'll make it.
Pablo: He doesn't have long.
Sweezus: Chill, man. Not really our problem. Hey Farks! Want a chunk of this burger? It's wicked.
Farky-Om-Farky (who is under the table) does not deign to answer.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Secret Weapon
Belle and Arne have gone back to Corny's house, with Terence.
Hi, everyone, says Belle. Meet my friend Arne. Arne this is Vello, my papa, David, Corny and Gaius.
Pleased to meet you all, says Arne.
How was the Miffy Museum? asks David.
Lovely, says Belle. And Terence was so good!
But no one cares about that.
Their faces are crinkled.
Have you sorted out your problems? asks Belle.
No, says Gaius. I still have the wrong bicycle.
No, says Vello. I'm still dead, to all intents and purposes.
We were just discussing it, says Corny. I have offered to ride in his place.
But we are disqualified, says Vello.
What is this? says Arne. Forgive me, but you look quite well.
I am perfectly well, says Vello. But I feel a certain obligation to Arthur, who is suffering a bereavement.
Who? says Belle. I might have known it had something to do with Arthur.
It has, says David. Your papa is being ridiculous.
There is no shame in being MOVED by Arthur's filial feelings, says Vello.
Perhaps I could borrow your bike? says Gaius. That would at least solve my problem.
Certainly not, says Vello. We are on different teams.
Papa! says Belle. That's so selfish!
Arne goes over to Gaius.
I know much about bicycles, says Arne. Perhaps I could help you.
They both go outside.
But this is not an old bicycle, says Arne, on seeing Schopenhauer's bicycle.
I never said it was, says Gaius. Just that it's the wrong one.
Ass Savers, says Arne. Knog lights, Schwelbe tyres, San Marco saddle!
I know, says Gaius. He had it made specially.
Who did? asks Arne.
Schopenhauer, says Gaius. And it channels his thoughts. Most annoying.
Wow! says Arne. You know what? You should take this bike to the FietsLAB!
FietsLAB? says Gaius.
BikeLAB, says Arne. At the Utrecht University Museum. They would love it. They're into virtuals: animation, navigation and manipulation of objects.....
University, says Gaius, brightening up immediately. Yes, I shall go. Will you come?
Sure, says Arne. But I don't want to miss my chance to meet Sweezus.
I'm meeting my fellow team members for dinner, says Gaius. Sweezus, Arthur, and hopefully Pablo.
Are you in Team Condor? says Arne. I thought you were with Team Filosoof.
Not this year, says Gaius. I had my reasons for switching. One being that I was dropped. Two being Team Condor's secret weapon.
Arne knows better than to ask what this is.
Hi, everyone, says Belle. Meet my friend Arne. Arne this is Vello, my papa, David, Corny and Gaius.
Pleased to meet you all, says Arne.
How was the Miffy Museum? asks David.
Lovely, says Belle. And Terence was so good!
But no one cares about that.
Their faces are crinkled.
Have you sorted out your problems? asks Belle.
No, says Gaius. I still have the wrong bicycle.
No, says Vello. I'm still dead, to all intents and purposes.
We were just discussing it, says Corny. I have offered to ride in his place.
But we are disqualified, says Vello.
What is this? says Arne. Forgive me, but you look quite well.
I am perfectly well, says Vello. But I feel a certain obligation to Arthur, who is suffering a bereavement.
Who? says Belle. I might have known it had something to do with Arthur.
It has, says David. Your papa is being ridiculous.
There is no shame in being MOVED by Arthur's filial feelings, says Vello.
Perhaps I could borrow your bike? says Gaius. That would at least solve my problem.
Certainly not, says Vello. We are on different teams.
Papa! says Belle. That's so selfish!
Arne goes over to Gaius.
I know much about bicycles, says Arne. Perhaps I could help you.
They both go outside.
But this is not an old bicycle, says Arne, on seeing Schopenhauer's bicycle.
I never said it was, says Gaius. Just that it's the wrong one.
Ass Savers, says Arne. Knog lights, Schwelbe tyres, San Marco saddle!
I know, says Gaius. He had it made specially.
Who did? asks Arne.
Schopenhauer, says Gaius. And it channels his thoughts. Most annoying.
Wow! says Arne. You know what? You should take this bike to the FietsLAB!
FietsLAB? says Gaius.
BikeLAB, says Arne. At the Utrecht University Museum. They would love it. They're into virtuals: animation, navigation and manipulation of objects.....
University, says Gaius, brightening up immediately. Yes, I shall go. Will you come?
Sure, says Arne. But I don't want to miss my chance to meet Sweezus.
I'm meeting my fellow team members for dinner, says Gaius. Sweezus, Arthur, and hopefully Pablo.
Are you in Team Condor? says Arne. I thought you were with Team Filosoof.
Not this year, says Gaius. I had my reasons for switching. One being that I was dropped. Two being Team Condor's secret weapon.
Arne knows better than to ask what this is.
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