See Him For Nothing

Now it really is a quarter to eight.

Darkness drifts down through the plane trees between shafts of green leaf-dappled light.

A crowd has gathered outside the fence line.

The Velogram tries to make himself useful.

He is dressed as a gardener, taking tickets.

Enjoy the show, says the Velogram, taking a ticket.

Thanks, says a woman whose ticket he takes.

I've got two tickets, adds the woman.

You only need one, says the Velogram.

I know, says the woman. My husband is no fan of gardening. He refused to come.

So did mine, says another woman. He said if he wants to see Costa, he can see him for nothing.

This isn't a show about Costa, says the Velogram. It's an intellectual play about string, and ecological matters.

But surely Costa's in it! says the woman.

He's mentioned in scene one, says the Velogram.

Mentioned! says the woman.

And awaited in vain in scene two, says the Velogram.

Awaited in vain! says another lady.

But he does appear in scene three, says the Velogram.

I should think so! says a man, who couldn't care less about Costa, but expects his money's worth.

Briefly, says the Velogram.

I was told he'd be in it, says the woman who had the two tickets. And it was YOU who told me.

Not I , says the Velogram. That was my double. He is inside the garden behind that delightful curtain.

It is an adorable curtain, says the woman. And your double is behind it?

The very person, says the Velogram. He is also the author of Candide. As I am. However I should make it clear that neither he nor I is the author of Candide's Garden. That honour belongs to the actor in the gold flowered shirt and LED sneakers.

You're kidding! says a gentleman who is a fan of Candide, but detests LED sneakers.

He melts into the dark foliage.

Lost him.

And the two ladies.

The Velogram realises that candour is not helping.

What's this play about? asks a young couple.

A hole, says the Velogram briefly. You can sit in it or above it. At the end you get a free spade. You're expected to use it. Watch out for the candles.

The young couple likes this sort of thing.

They clamber over the fence nimbly.

Watching out for the candles.