Ten o'clock in Kalgoorlie. The Youth Fest is over.
Time to go home.
Ageless tips himself out of his deckchair and looks for Baby Pierre.
There he is, heading towards the front gates with Brianna. They're sharing a slushie.
Ageless skitters over.
There you are, says Ageless. Did you catch Marlisa?
Yes, says Brianna. She's so awesome. Try to embrace the lines on your face, la la la la,
that's who you are......
I didn't get that, says Baby Pierre.
Lines on your face, says Brianna. They're like growth lines. Like tree rings.
Yes, says Ageless. I see yours, Brianna. He-he. They'll show up even better when you're polished.
Yes, when you're polished, says Baby Pierre, thinking he's saying the right thing. He isn't.
Brianna drops her slushie straw into the red dust, and turns on her umbo.
Dear me, says Ageless. Sensitive. Just like Kobo.
Brianna spins back around.
Did you say Kobo?
I did say Kobo, says Ageless. My beloved.
Kobo, says Baby Pierre. She's my auntie. We're meeting up with her in Esperance. We're going deep sea diving. And I don't need a suit. And she doesn't. But everyone else does.
I don't, says Ageless.
The gates are closing.
They all scuttle through.
Now they are standing outside Centennial Park in Kalgoorlie.
I know a Kobo, says Brianna. But it won't be the same one. This Kobo's a fossilised clam.
That's h...... ! begins Baby Pierre, until Ageless pokes him in the tulip.
Too late. Brianna is a sharp one.
I'm coming with you to Esperance, says Brianna. How do we get there?
Bus, says Ageless. Underneath. You won't like it.
..........
Early morning in Perth, at the Backpackers.
Gaius wakes up feeling refreshed.
Ahh, says Gaius. I slept like a baby. How about you two?
Not bad, says Arthur.
Yeah not too bad, says Sweezus. But I had these weird dreams about ruby sea dragons.
What were they doing? asks Arthur.
What do you reckon? says Sweezus.
He's still a bit prickly.
Swimming? says Gaius breezily.
Growling, says Sweezus. First clicking, then growling. Freaking me out.
Remarkable, says Gaius. I must tell Nerida. Perhaps she can verify.....
Yeah, how'd it go with Nerida? asks Sweezus. We joining their expedition?
I'm afraid not, says Gaius. They don't yet have the funding. But the good news is, we're to form an advance party. We fly to Esperance at midday. You'll need to get hold of that diving suit, Sweezus. I trust it won't be a problem.
Pffft, says Sweezus. No problema! I'm onto it. See you guys after breakfast.
I'll come with you, says Arthur, foreseeing a muy grande problema.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
The Uncanny Relevance Of Lyrics
Kobo listens.
Sweezus breathes deeply.
His head is above her. His mouth is so near.
She sings the second ( darker) verse of the sea dragon lullaby:
ruby ruby
sleep now
one eye on the frogfish
we growl when we're cross
growl-sheeehaaahh-pop
To be honest, Kobo has made this verse up on the spur of the moment.
As Sweezus sleeps, sounds from deep under his pillow enter his ear.
we growl when we're cross......
Cross-s-s-s, hisses Sweezus.
Oops, mutters Kobo. Bad choice.
She goes back to reading her Kindle. The tattooed Marie is now dying of cancer. That's unexpected.
Arthur stirs in his slumbers.
Uhh. His ear has stuck to his head.
He hates it when that happens.
But he has not heard the word Sweezus uttered.
He unsticks his ear or attempts to.
Only Gaius is not restless. He is happily dreaming of car parks.
So passes the night.
.........
By contrast, at Centennial Park in Kalgoorlie, all is gay noise and youthful festivity, insofar as it can be, when a venue is dry.
Once you are in, there is everything.
Water, popcorn, sausages, mocktails, slushies, giant slides, things like that.
Baby Pierre and Brianna are watching an exhibition of parkour.
Wow, says Brianna, how cool is that!
Pretty cool, says Baby Pierre. Me and my cousin, we do parkour
Is he round? asks Brianna.
No he's in Adelaide, says Baby Pierre.
I meant shape-wise, says Brianna. Round like you are.
No he's more pear shaped, says Baby Pierre. You'd like him.
Oh! says Brianna. That's heaps insulting. Like...as if I'm pear shaped!
Ageless would have been glad to know that Baby Pierre had inadvertently insulted Brianna.
But he is sitting in a deck chair, burping up tuna, in front of the main stage.
And NOW, says a loud voice through a megaphone, are you all READY? Are you? Okay, give it up for.... MARLISA!
Marlisa appears on the stage. She is fifteen. She has long black hair. She is pretty. She knows how to belt out a song.
(Which is why she won X-Factor).
She sings her hit song, Stand By You.
Ageless is struck by the relevance of the lyrics;
When you fight for every breath
And the waves are overhead
I'll stand by you.
He belches loudly, fighting for breath, as young people wave over head.
It's uncanny.
Sweezus breathes deeply.
His head is above her. His mouth is so near.
She sings the second ( darker) verse of the sea dragon lullaby:
ruby ruby
sleep now
one eye on the frogfish
we growl when we're cross
growl-sheeehaaahh-pop
To be honest, Kobo has made this verse up on the spur of the moment.
As Sweezus sleeps, sounds from deep under his pillow enter his ear.
we growl when we're cross......
Cross-s-s-s, hisses Sweezus.
Oops, mutters Kobo. Bad choice.
She goes back to reading her Kindle. The tattooed Marie is now dying of cancer. That's unexpected.
Arthur stirs in his slumbers.
Uhh. His ear has stuck to his head.
He hates it when that happens.
But he has not heard the word Sweezus uttered.
He unsticks his ear or attempts to.
Only Gaius is not restless. He is happily dreaming of car parks.
So passes the night.
.........
By contrast, at Centennial Park in Kalgoorlie, all is gay noise and youthful festivity, insofar as it can be, when a venue is dry.
Once you are in, there is everything.
Water, popcorn, sausages, mocktails, slushies, giant slides, things like that.
Baby Pierre and Brianna are watching an exhibition of parkour.
Wow, says Brianna, how cool is that!
Pretty cool, says Baby Pierre. Me and my cousin, we do parkour
Is he round? asks Brianna.
No he's in Adelaide, says Baby Pierre.
I meant shape-wise, says Brianna. Round like you are.
No he's more pear shaped, says Baby Pierre. You'd like him.
Oh! says Brianna. That's heaps insulting. Like...as if I'm pear shaped!
Ageless would have been glad to know that Baby Pierre had inadvertently insulted Brianna.
But he is sitting in a deck chair, burping up tuna, in front of the main stage.
And NOW, says a loud voice through a megaphone, are you all READY? Are you? Okay, give it up for.... MARLISA!
Marlisa appears on the stage. She is fifteen. She has long black hair. She is pretty. She knows how to belt out a song.
(Which is why she won X-Factor).
She sings her hit song, Stand By You.
Ageless is struck by the relevance of the lyrics;
When you fight for every breath
And the waves are overhead
I'll stand by you.
He belches loudly, fighting for breath, as young people wave over head.
It's uncanny.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Sleeping The Sleep Of The Deep
Ageless lobster has returned from the dining car with a coffee and a half-eaten sandwich.
Tuna. It was the best he could find in a hurry.
He is pleased to discover that Baby Pierre and Brianna are engaged in an ontological argument.
Well then how did we GET here? says Brianna.
We've always been here, says Baby Pierre.
That's not true, says Brianna. I haven't.
I have, says Baby Pierre. Does that tell you something?
You're a big head, says Brianna.
Anyone like a bite of my sandwich? asks Ageless. Last chance.
He gulps down the last of his sandwich.
Soon we'll be in Kalgoorlie, says Ageless. You must say goodbye to Brianna, my son.
She's getting off too, says Baby Pierre. I asked her.
And I said yes, says Brianna. I can go on to Perth in a day or two. I'm not in a hurry.
She's having a polish, says Baby Pierre.
I know, says Ageless.
At ten past seven in the evening, the Indian Pacific arrives in Kalgoorlie.
Ageless stands up, pulls on his red knitted hat and gets off, followed by Baby Pierre and Brianna.
It's an exciting town, Kalgoorlie, especially at night time.
Tonight for example, at Centennial Park is the Youth Fest, featuring Marlisa.
Marlisa who won the X Factor, only last year.
I love Marlisa, says Brianna, Yay! Let's go to the Youth Fest.
It says here ages 12 to 25, says Ageless. So we can't. How very unfortunate.
We can slip in, says Brianna.
Yes we can, says Baby Pierre. It's an adventure. You don't have to come Ageless.
Rrrp, growls Ageless, bringing up gaseous tuna.
.........
The very same evening, (but later) in Perth, in the Old Swan Barracks Backpackers dormitory, Kobo is waiting.
She is under the pillow of the bed that Sweezus is about to fall into.
Arthur is in the next bed.
Gaius is already asleep, dreaming of ruby red sea dragons.
You okay? says Arthur.
Yup, says Sweezus. He thumps down on the bed without even getting under the covers.
You should get under, says Arthur. It's not that warm in here.
Bluh! mutters Sweezus, tossing and rolling his head on the pillow. Why can't he get comfy?
Kobo wonders if it's her.
She starts humming a ruby sea dragon song, to help Sweezus get comfy:
ruby ruby
so deep down
in the dark ocean
you can't see
our true colours
but we know
that we are
ruby ruby
click click
we click when happy
shhhhhhhhhaah
It's not long before Sweezus is sleeping the sleep of the deep.
Tuna. It was the best he could find in a hurry.
He is pleased to discover that Baby Pierre and Brianna are engaged in an ontological argument.
Well then how did we GET here? says Brianna.
We've always been here, says Baby Pierre.
That's not true, says Brianna. I haven't.
I have, says Baby Pierre. Does that tell you something?
You're a big head, says Brianna.
Anyone like a bite of my sandwich? asks Ageless. Last chance.
He gulps down the last of his sandwich.
Soon we'll be in Kalgoorlie, says Ageless. You must say goodbye to Brianna, my son.
She's getting off too, says Baby Pierre. I asked her.
And I said yes, says Brianna. I can go on to Perth in a day or two. I'm not in a hurry.
She's having a polish, says Baby Pierre.
I know, says Ageless.
At ten past seven in the evening, the Indian Pacific arrives in Kalgoorlie.
Ageless stands up, pulls on his red knitted hat and gets off, followed by Baby Pierre and Brianna.
It's an exciting town, Kalgoorlie, especially at night time.
Tonight for example, at Centennial Park is the Youth Fest, featuring Marlisa.
Marlisa who won the X Factor, only last year.
I love Marlisa, says Brianna, Yay! Let's go to the Youth Fest.
It says here ages 12 to 25, says Ageless. So we can't. How very unfortunate.
We can slip in, says Brianna.
Yes we can, says Baby Pierre. It's an adventure. You don't have to come Ageless.
Rrrp, growls Ageless, bringing up gaseous tuna.
.........
The very same evening, (but later) in Perth, in the Old Swan Barracks Backpackers dormitory, Kobo is waiting.
She is under the pillow of the bed that Sweezus is about to fall into.
Arthur is in the next bed.
Gaius is already asleep, dreaming of ruby red sea dragons.
You okay? says Arthur.
Yup, says Sweezus. He thumps down on the bed without even getting under the covers.
You should get under, says Arthur. It's not that warm in here.
Bluh! mutters Sweezus, tossing and rolling his head on the pillow. Why can't he get comfy?
Kobo wonders if it's her.
She starts humming a ruby sea dragon song, to help Sweezus get comfy:
ruby ruby
so deep down
in the dark ocean
you can't see
our true colours
but we know
that we are
ruby ruby
click click
we click when happy
shhhhhhhhhaah
It's not long before Sweezus is sleeping the sleep of the deep.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Each Nut Has A Message
In Spaced 2: future recall, Arthur is attracted to a glass case filled with carved boab nuts.
They are not merely decorative. Each nut has a message.
'This nut kills fascists', reads one nut.
'Aboriginal artist unveiled as a white woman', reads another.
Arthur likes the carved boab nuts which are socio-political, and humorously reference history.
A woman comes into the gallery and stands beside Arthur.
I'm Nerida Wilson, says the woman. I believe you were looking for me?
I was, says Arthur. But now I'm just looking at nuts.
Great aren't they, says Nerida. This is a cool exhibition. There's a crazy Peking opera some guy's written about a steel mill, over there somewhere. But anyway, how can I help you?
You already have, says Arthur. Gaius sent me in to find out your last name.
Gaius! says Nerida. Is he here? Where is he?
Waiting outside, says Arthur.
Come with me, says Nerida.
Nerida and Arthur leave the gallery and the museum, to look for Gaius.
But Gaius and Sweezus have already left for the Old Swan Barracks Backpackers.
Sweezus has drunk several pints of Swan Draught in the Barracks Bar, and half-forgotten about Easter.
Gaius is unpacking his back pack in the dorm. Where on earth are his pencils?
Kobo looks up from her Kindle.
Which is my bed? asks Kobo.
Gaius hasn't anticipated such niceties.
Well, I thought.......says Gaius. Well, to be honest..... I didn't. There isn't.
There isn't, says Kobo. Just as I thought. Females don't count for anything.
You can have my bed, says Gaius. I'll bunk up with Sweezus, or Arthur.
I'd recommend Sweezus, says Kobo.
Why? asks Gaius.
Just my preference, says Kobo. He's bigger.
Perhaps you'd like to bunk up with with Sweezus? asks Gaius, hopefully.
He wouldn't like it, says Kobo.
He needn't know, says Gaius. I'll slip you in under the pillow.
Kobo thinks how romantic it would be to sleep close to Sweezus. Perhaps he will talk in his sleep.
All right, says Kobo.
Gaius slips her in under the pillow, and goes down to the bar.
Arthur and Nerida are there, talking to Sweezus.
Oh yes, says Nerida, it was a wonderful coup. A third species of sea dragon. With a skeletal difference and a DNA difference. We had one right there in the museum, but no one realised.
How come? asks Sweezus.
It was a hundred years old, says Nerida.
That's old, says Sweezus. Hey! Gaius is here!
Delighted to meet you, Gaius, says Nerida. I've heard so much about you.
This is Nerida Wilson, says Arthur. From the museum.
Of course! says Gaius. WILSON. I knew it was something to do with parking.
Pardon? says Nerida.
Oh nothing, says Gaius. I'm just an old gatherer of facts and information. I don't always make the right connections.
You mustn't sell yourself short, says Nerida. Now Gaius, how about coming back to the museum with me and I'll show you everything.
Gaius beams. It has long been his dearest wish to be shown everything.
He and Nerida go off.
It's good here, says Sweezus, waving his arms expansively. Pool table, free WiFi, illuminated whisky barrels. And there's the river and stuff.
And boab nuts carved with deep messages, says Arthur.
Yeah man, bit like my head, says Sweezus.
They are not merely decorative. Each nut has a message.
'This nut kills fascists', reads one nut.
'Aboriginal artist unveiled as a white woman', reads another.
Arthur likes the carved boab nuts which are socio-political, and humorously reference history.
A woman comes into the gallery and stands beside Arthur.
I'm Nerida Wilson, says the woman. I believe you were looking for me?
I was, says Arthur. But now I'm just looking at nuts.
Great aren't they, says Nerida. This is a cool exhibition. There's a crazy Peking opera some guy's written about a steel mill, over there somewhere. But anyway, how can I help you?
You already have, says Arthur. Gaius sent me in to find out your last name.
Gaius! says Nerida. Is he here? Where is he?
Waiting outside, says Arthur.
Come with me, says Nerida.
Nerida and Arthur leave the gallery and the museum, to look for Gaius.
But Gaius and Sweezus have already left for the Old Swan Barracks Backpackers.
Sweezus has drunk several pints of Swan Draught in the Barracks Bar, and half-forgotten about Easter.
Gaius is unpacking his back pack in the dorm. Where on earth are his pencils?
Kobo looks up from her Kindle.
Which is my bed? asks Kobo.
Gaius hasn't anticipated such niceties.
Well, I thought.......says Gaius. Well, to be honest..... I didn't. There isn't.
There isn't, says Kobo. Just as I thought. Females don't count for anything.
You can have my bed, says Gaius. I'll bunk up with Sweezus, or Arthur.
I'd recommend Sweezus, says Kobo.
Why? asks Gaius.
Just my preference, says Kobo. He's bigger.
Perhaps you'd like to bunk up with with Sweezus? asks Gaius, hopefully.
He wouldn't like it, says Kobo.
He needn't know, says Gaius. I'll slip you in under the pillow.
Kobo thinks how romantic it would be to sleep close to Sweezus. Perhaps he will talk in his sleep.
All right, says Kobo.
Gaius slips her in under the pillow, and goes down to the bar.
Arthur and Nerida are there, talking to Sweezus.
Oh yes, says Nerida, it was a wonderful coup. A third species of sea dragon. With a skeletal difference and a DNA difference. We had one right there in the museum, but no one realised.
How come? asks Sweezus.
It was a hundred years old, says Nerida.
That's old, says Sweezus. Hey! Gaius is here!
Delighted to meet you, Gaius, says Nerida. I've heard so much about you.
This is Nerida Wilson, says Arthur. From the museum.
Of course! says Gaius. WILSON. I knew it was something to do with parking.
Pardon? says Nerida.
Oh nothing, says Gaius. I'm just an old gatherer of facts and information. I don't always make the right connections.
You mustn't sell yourself short, says Nerida. Now Gaius, how about coming back to the museum with me and I'll show you everything.
Gaius beams. It has long been his dearest wish to be shown everything.
He and Nerida go off.
It's good here, says Sweezus, waving his arms expansively. Pool table, free WiFi, illuminated whisky barrels. And there's the river and stuff.
And boab nuts carved with deep messages, says Arthur.
Yeah man, bit like my head, says Sweezus.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Time's Sucked Out Insides
While Ageless feigns sleep on the Indian Pacific, Baby Pierre is closely examining Brianna's drill hole.
It's wider on the outside than on the inside, says Baby Pierre.
Like I don't know THAT, says Brianna.
So how did you get it? asks Baby Pierre.
Someone was trying to get in, says Brianna.
Who? asks Baby Pierre.
The Predator, says Brianna.
Then what happened? asks Baby Pierre.
It drilled a big hole with its radula, says Brianna. Ye-ouch!
Were you crying? asks Baby Pierre.
I wasn't crying, says Brianna.
Then what? asks Baby Pierre.
It sucked out my insides, says Brianna.
Baby Pierre's eyes grow wider and wider.
He tries to imagine Brianna's insides.
What were they like, your insides? asks Baby Pierre.
Grey, quivering, succulent..... says Brianna.
Woo, shivers Baby Pierre.
Ageless decides to intervene before this goes any further.
Did I hear someone mention food? says Ageless. Shall we go to the dining car?
You go, says Baby Pierre. We're not hungry.
No, we're not hungry, says Brianna.
Mind my hat then, says Ageless. I'll be back VERY shortly.
Annoyed, he scrapes his way down the carriage, with several sharp backward glances at Baby Pierre and his dangerous companion.
.........
Arthur has entered the Western Australian Museum, on a mission to find someone called Nerida.
He goes up to the information counter.
Can I help you? asks the museum attendant.
I'm looking for Nerida, says Arthur. It's about sea dragons.
She'll be at lunch, says the attendant. Would you like to wait? Perhaps you could visit our current exhibition. It's finishing soon.
What is it? asks Arthur.
Spaced 2: future recall, says the attendant.
That sounds a bit lame to Arthur.
........
Outside the Museum, Gaius and Sweezus have tired of waiting and gone looking for the Old Swan Barracks Backpackers. It's just two streets away, in Northbridge.
Awesome! says Sweezus. Free WiFi and breakfast, a bar and a pool table!
Gaius goes to check in. It's twenty eight dollars per person for a bed in a twelve person dorm.
Three dorm beds, please,says Gaius, forgetting all about Kobo.
Sweezus has gone into the bar, with its illuminated whisky barrel tables.
Arthur'll like this, thinks Sweezus.
He orders a beer and tries not to think about Terence.
Terence with a policeman. Terence, who has learned from the treacherous Ray the grim truth about Easter.
Which is now only a week off.
It's hard not to think of the future.
It's wider on the outside than on the inside, says Baby Pierre.
Like I don't know THAT, says Brianna.
So how did you get it? asks Baby Pierre.
Someone was trying to get in, says Brianna.
Who? asks Baby Pierre.
The Predator, says Brianna.
Then what happened? asks Baby Pierre.
It drilled a big hole with its radula, says Brianna. Ye-ouch!
Were you crying? asks Baby Pierre.
I wasn't crying, says Brianna.
Then what? asks Baby Pierre.
It sucked out my insides, says Brianna.
Baby Pierre's eyes grow wider and wider.
He tries to imagine Brianna's insides.
What were they like, your insides? asks Baby Pierre.
Grey, quivering, succulent..... says Brianna.
Woo, shivers Baby Pierre.
Ageless decides to intervene before this goes any further.
Did I hear someone mention food? says Ageless. Shall we go to the dining car?
You go, says Baby Pierre. We're not hungry.
No, we're not hungry, says Brianna.
Mind my hat then, says Ageless. I'll be back VERY shortly.
Annoyed, he scrapes his way down the carriage, with several sharp backward glances at Baby Pierre and his dangerous companion.
.........
Arthur has entered the Western Australian Museum, on a mission to find someone called Nerida.
He goes up to the information counter.
Can I help you? asks the museum attendant.
I'm looking for Nerida, says Arthur. It's about sea dragons.
She'll be at lunch, says the attendant. Would you like to wait? Perhaps you could visit our current exhibition. It's finishing soon.
What is it? asks Arthur.
Spaced 2: future recall, says the attendant.
That sounds a bit lame to Arthur.
........
Outside the Museum, Gaius and Sweezus have tired of waiting and gone looking for the Old Swan Barracks Backpackers. It's just two streets away, in Northbridge.
Awesome! says Sweezus. Free WiFi and breakfast, a bar and a pool table!
Gaius goes to check in. It's twenty eight dollars per person for a bed in a twelve person dorm.
Three dorm beds, please,says Gaius, forgetting all about Kobo.
Sweezus has gone into the bar, with its illuminated whisky barrel tables.
Arthur'll like this, thinks Sweezus.
He orders a beer and tries not to think about Terence.
Terence with a policeman. Terence, who has learned from the treacherous Ray the grim truth about Easter.
Which is now only a week off.
It's hard not to think of the future.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Perfections And Unpalatable Truths
On the Indian Pacific, Baby Pierre is sharing his leg room with Brianna.
Brianna is pretty.
I like your colours, says Baby Pierre shyly.
Oh these, says Brianna.
Especially the yellow, says Baby Pierre. Although I don't normally like yellow.
It's not yellow, says Brianna. And anyway, I'm getting it polished. Ee ee ee! And not just the yellow. The cream and the grey as well. It's expensive.
Wow, says Baby Pierre. Should I get a polish? How expensive?
And time consuming, says Brianna, ignoring the question. And painful.
Painful, says Baby Pierre. Like tattoos?
Was your tattoo painful? asks Brianna. What is it? A tulip?
The Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre. And it's not a tattoo. I was born with it.
Oo-ee, says Brianna. So what do you know about PAIN?
Plenty, says Baby Pierre. I play Pedal Paintball. Once I even.......
I have to go through a process, says Brianna. Boil, bleach, wash, toothpaste, scrub, mineral oil, and finally, satin-finish polyurethane. Then I'll be perfect.
Yuck! Toothpaste! says Baby Pierre.
I KNOW! says Brianna. But it'll be worth it.
You're already perfect, says Baby Pierre.
Thank you, says Brianna, standing up and twirling on her umbo.
I like your hole, says Baby Pierre.
That's my drill hole, says Brianna. Now THAT was painful.
.......
In Beaufort Street, Gaius, Sweezus, Arthur and Kobo get off the shuttle bus.
Excellent, says Gaius. We're right opposite the museum. Now to find our hotel.
We could go in right now, says Arthur. It's open.
Perhaps you could, says Gaius. Make some enquiries. Ask about.
Ask about what? asks Arthur.
It's a little embarrassing, says Gaius. I've forgotten the name of the sea dragon woman. I think it's Nerida something. She's a senior research scientist.
I'll find her, says Arthur. Wait here.
Good man, says Gaius.
Gaius and Sweezus sit down on a low wall outside the museum. Kobo starts reading her Kindle.
Sweezus's phone rings.
Sweezus, says Sweezus.
It's me Terence, says Terence. I'm in Melbourne.
Woah, little dude, says Sweezus. What's up? Ray wouldn't tell me.
Ray's an IDIOT, says Terence. He told me this STORY.
What story? asks Sweezus.
About the future, says Terence. About me dying.
Fuck, says Sweezus. Where's Marx? I mean, where's grandpa?
I don't know, wails Terence.
Whose phone are you using? asks Sweezus.
A policeman's, says Terence.
Well, ask him to take you to the Marxism Conference, says Sweezus.
I did! It's not till EASTER! shouts Terence. That's a week off. A week and four days.....
Bugger, says Sweezus.
What's wrong? asks Gaius.
Nothing, says Sweezus.
Brianna is pretty.
I like your colours, says Baby Pierre shyly.
Oh these, says Brianna.
Especially the yellow, says Baby Pierre. Although I don't normally like yellow.
It's not yellow, says Brianna. And anyway, I'm getting it polished. Ee ee ee! And not just the yellow. The cream and the grey as well. It's expensive.
Wow, says Baby Pierre. Should I get a polish? How expensive?
And time consuming, says Brianna, ignoring the question. And painful.
Painful, says Baby Pierre. Like tattoos?
Was your tattoo painful? asks Brianna. What is it? A tulip?
The Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre. And it's not a tattoo. I was born with it.
Oo-ee, says Brianna. So what do you know about PAIN?
Plenty, says Baby Pierre. I play Pedal Paintball. Once I even.......
I have to go through a process, says Brianna. Boil, bleach, wash, toothpaste, scrub, mineral oil, and finally, satin-finish polyurethane. Then I'll be perfect.
Yuck! Toothpaste! says Baby Pierre.
I KNOW! says Brianna. But it'll be worth it.
You're already perfect, says Baby Pierre.
Thank you, says Brianna, standing up and twirling on her umbo.
I like your hole, says Baby Pierre.
That's my drill hole, says Brianna. Now THAT was painful.
.......
In Beaufort Street, Gaius, Sweezus, Arthur and Kobo get off the shuttle bus.
Excellent, says Gaius. We're right opposite the museum. Now to find our hotel.
We could go in right now, says Arthur. It's open.
Perhaps you could, says Gaius. Make some enquiries. Ask about.
Ask about what? asks Arthur.
It's a little embarrassing, says Gaius. I've forgotten the name of the sea dragon woman. I think it's Nerida something. She's a senior research scientist.
I'll find her, says Arthur. Wait here.
Good man, says Gaius.
Gaius and Sweezus sit down on a low wall outside the museum. Kobo starts reading her Kindle.
Sweezus's phone rings.
Sweezus, says Sweezus.
It's me Terence, says Terence. I'm in Melbourne.
Woah, little dude, says Sweezus. What's up? Ray wouldn't tell me.
Ray's an IDIOT, says Terence. He told me this STORY.
What story? asks Sweezus.
About the future, says Terence. About me dying.
Fuck, says Sweezus. Where's Marx? I mean, where's grandpa?
I don't know, wails Terence.
Whose phone are you using? asks Sweezus.
A policeman's, says Terence.
Well, ask him to take you to the Marxism Conference, says Sweezus.
I did! It's not till EASTER! shouts Terence. That's a week off. A week and four days.....
Bugger, says Sweezus.
What's wrong? asks Gaius.
Nothing, says Sweezus.
Don't Wish For Legs My Son
Gaius, Arthur and Sweezus are on the afternoon flight to Perth.
Kobo is in Gaius's back pack.
But Ageless and Baby Pierre are not there.
......
Ageless and Baby Pierre are on a bus travelling to the city.
Ageless: They'll be sorry.
Baby Pierre: Really sorry.
Ageless: The Indian Pacific is comfy. All that leg room.
Baby Pierre: I wish I had legs.
Ageless: Don't wish for legs, my son. I don't recommend them.
Baby Pierre: What should I do with my leg room?
Ageless: Save it. Something will come up.
.......
Arthur is thinking about Pablo.
Sweezus is thinking about Terence.
Gaius is thinking: Now what was the name of the woman? Nerida something?
Kobo is thinking: Perhaps I should get a tattoo.
.......
It's 6.40 pm. The Indian Pacific is about to leave Adelaide.
Choo choo! Everyone on board!
Ageless and Baby Pierre have found a comfy spot in the corner of a carriage, under a window.
Ageless spreads out his red knitted hat. Arranges his legs comfortably.
Baby Pierre doesn't need to.
He looks around for something that might be what Ageless had said would come up.
Hello! Are you going to Perth also? asks a voice of exquisite sweetness.
No. Kalgoorlie, says Ageless.
But she is not speaking to Ageless. It's Baby Pierre she is looking at.
No. says Baby Pierre. Kalgooly.
Ee ee ee! tinkles the bright lilting voice. It's not Kalgooly!
Where are you? asks Baby Pierre.
Right here, says Brianna.
Now he can see her.
Share my leg room, says Baby Pierre.
Ee ee ee! says Brianna.
She will.
..........
The plane has landed in Perth.
Gaius looks around for the shuttle.
Sweezus gets his phone out.
I'm calling Ray, says Sweezus.
I wouldn't, says Arthur.
........
In Melbourne Ray's phone rings.
Ray Moon, says Ray.
Is Terence with you? asks Sweezus.
There follows an ominous lack of an instant reply.
Kobo is in Gaius's back pack.
But Ageless and Baby Pierre are not there.
......
Ageless and Baby Pierre are on a bus travelling to the city.
Ageless: They'll be sorry.
Baby Pierre: Really sorry.
Ageless: The Indian Pacific is comfy. All that leg room.
Baby Pierre: I wish I had legs.
Ageless: Don't wish for legs, my son. I don't recommend them.
Baby Pierre: What should I do with my leg room?
Ageless: Save it. Something will come up.
.......
Arthur is thinking about Pablo.
Sweezus is thinking about Terence.
Gaius is thinking: Now what was the name of the woman? Nerida something?
Kobo is thinking: Perhaps I should get a tattoo.
.......
It's 6.40 pm. The Indian Pacific is about to leave Adelaide.
Choo choo! Everyone on board!
Ageless and Baby Pierre have found a comfy spot in the corner of a carriage, under a window.
Ageless spreads out his red knitted hat. Arranges his legs comfortably.
Baby Pierre doesn't need to.
He looks around for something that might be what Ageless had said would come up.
Hello! Are you going to Perth also? asks a voice of exquisite sweetness.
No. Kalgoorlie, says Ageless.
But she is not speaking to Ageless. It's Baby Pierre she is looking at.
No. says Baby Pierre. Kalgooly.
Ee ee ee! tinkles the bright lilting voice. It's not Kalgooly!
Where are you? asks Baby Pierre.
Right here, says Brianna.
Now he can see her.
Share my leg room, says Baby Pierre.
Ee ee ee! says Brianna.
She will.
..........
The plane has landed in Perth.
Gaius looks around for the shuttle.
Sweezus gets his phone out.
I'm calling Ray, says Sweezus.
I wouldn't, says Arthur.
........
In Melbourne Ray's phone rings.
Ray Moon, says Ray.
Is Terence with you? asks Sweezus.
There follows an ominous lack of an instant reply.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
A Shortie On Top Of a Wettie
Arthur and Sweezus are on their way to see Gaius.
He'll need all kinds of equipment, says Sweezus.
Like what? says Arthur. Nets and buckets?
Diving suit, says Sweezus. He wants me to get him one.
Have you got him one? asks Arthur.
Nup, says Sweezus. Not yet. Wait till we get there. See what kind he needs. There's different kinds.
Good thinking says Arthur. What kinds are there?
Dive skins, wet suits, semi wets, and dry suits, says Sweezus. Or a shortie on top of a wettie. But they can't be too thick. Then there's the articulated submersible atmospheric diving suit. You can go heaps deep in them and stay under for ages. But they cost a motza. What's so funny?
You've done your research, says Arthur. What do you know about sea dragons?
Nothing, says Sweezus. Except for that postcard.
They reach Gaius's door.
Sweezus knocks.
Come in boys! says Gaius, opening the door. Good news. Kobo is joining our expedition, and bringing a Kindle.
A Kindle! says Sweezus. Where does she keep it?
I don't know, says Gaius. I never asked her. But she's genuinely got one. She's reading about women with tattoos. Most intriguing.
Not sea dragons? says Arthur.
What? Oh. I see what you mean. What's Kobo's contribution? Well, she's persuading Ageless lobster to join us. Aren't you Kobo?
That is NOT my contribution, says Kobo, severely. I have an ancient and ongoing connection with the sea.
Of course you do, says Gaius. No doubt it will all come back to you.
Ageless and Baby Pierre walk through the front door.
Ageless to the rescue! says Ageless. First up, some advice. Don't go to Perth. Go to Esperance.
This expedition is going to Perth, says Gaius.
Dead sea dragons, says Ageless. That's all you'll find there.
I told him that, says Baby Pierre. That was me. I knew that already.
We shall visit the Western Australian Museum, in Perth, says Gaius. Examine the evidence, and the DNA samples. THEN we go to the coast and start diving in deep waters for living ruby sea dragons. This is where you, Ageless, come in. But only for spotting!
Ageless is flummoxed. DNA samples? Museum? Only for SPOTTING!
He doesn't think so.
He'll need all kinds of equipment, says Sweezus.
Like what? says Arthur. Nets and buckets?
Diving suit, says Sweezus. He wants me to get him one.
Have you got him one? asks Arthur.
Nup, says Sweezus. Not yet. Wait till we get there. See what kind he needs. There's different kinds.
Good thinking says Arthur. What kinds are there?
Dive skins, wet suits, semi wets, and dry suits, says Sweezus. Or a shortie on top of a wettie. But they can't be too thick. Then there's the articulated submersible atmospheric diving suit. You can go heaps deep in them and stay under for ages. But they cost a motza. What's so funny?
You've done your research, says Arthur. What do you know about sea dragons?
Nothing, says Sweezus. Except for that postcard.
They reach Gaius's door.
Sweezus knocks.
Come in boys! says Gaius, opening the door. Good news. Kobo is joining our expedition, and bringing a Kindle.
A Kindle! says Sweezus. Where does she keep it?
I don't know, says Gaius. I never asked her. But she's genuinely got one. She's reading about women with tattoos. Most intriguing.
Not sea dragons? says Arthur.
What? Oh. I see what you mean. What's Kobo's contribution? Well, she's persuading Ageless lobster to join us. Aren't you Kobo?
That is NOT my contribution, says Kobo, severely. I have an ancient and ongoing connection with the sea.
Of course you do, says Gaius. No doubt it will all come back to you.
Ageless and Baby Pierre walk through the front door.
Ageless to the rescue! says Ageless. First up, some advice. Don't go to Perth. Go to Esperance.
This expedition is going to Perth, says Gaius.
Dead sea dragons, says Ageless. That's all you'll find there.
I told him that, says Baby Pierre. That was me. I knew that already.
We shall visit the Western Australian Museum, in Perth, says Gaius. Examine the evidence, and the DNA samples. THEN we go to the coast and start diving in deep waters for living ruby sea dragons. This is where you, Ageless, come in. But only for spotting!
Ageless is flummoxed. DNA samples? Museum? Only for SPOTTING!
He doesn't think so.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Red Lures And Entanglements
Kobo is excited. She's going to Perth.
She sends a flirty message to Ageless:
dear ageless i'mmmm off to perth looking for sea dragons xxxx
She instantly regrets it.
.......
Baby Pierre, in a huff, has already set off for the library.
Ageless is resting under a chair.
Baby Pierre! cries Ageless lobster. My own boy! How.....
Never mind that, says Baby Pierre. I need to know something. I need to know how far away Perth is.
This is fishy, says Ageless.
Why fishy? says Baby Pierre.
Who sent you? asks Ageless.
No one sent me, says Baby Pierre. I'm a free agent. A free thinker.
No need to remind me, says Ageless. I'm your daddy.
Several readers look up from their reference books.
Who is whose daddy? And why is he under a chair? And where is the other one?
Weird. Or maybe it's time for a coffee break.
I've just learnt that Kobo is going, says Ageless. Looking for sea dragons. It's not like her.
Gaius is going. Gaius loves her, says Baby Pierre. He believes everything she says and nothing I say.
What did she say? asks Ageless.
That you were my best asset, says Baby Pierre.
He instantly regrets it.
Ageless swells visibly.
Best asset! says Ageless. Let me think now, Perth is.......wait a minute..... sea dragons..... why Perth for sea dragons? It's a city!
Dead ones, says Baby Pierre.
Dead ones! says Ageless. You don't want to eat dead ones. They should go to Esperance. The south coast teems with sea dragons, both species. Delicious yellow and purple weedy ones and crunchy leafy orange ones, which are rarer. Most of the orange ones live near here anyway. They needn't go all that way. It's crazy, I'd say, beyond fishy.
You're very smart, daddy, and learned, says Baby Pierre. But there's something you don't know. There's a new one. A new species. Gaius says it's a ruby red sea dragon.
Ageless is excited. A ruby red one! His favourite colour.
He picks up his red knitted hat.
She sends a flirty message to Ageless:
dear ageless i'mmmm off to perth looking for sea dragons xxxx
She instantly regrets it.
.......
Baby Pierre, in a huff, has already set off for the library.
Ageless is resting under a chair.
Baby Pierre! cries Ageless lobster. My own boy! How.....
Never mind that, says Baby Pierre. I need to know something. I need to know how far away Perth is.
This is fishy, says Ageless.
Why fishy? says Baby Pierre.
Who sent you? asks Ageless.
No one sent me, says Baby Pierre. I'm a free agent. A free thinker.
No need to remind me, says Ageless. I'm your daddy.
Several readers look up from their reference books.
Who is whose daddy? And why is he under a chair? And where is the other one?
Weird. Or maybe it's time for a coffee break.
I've just learnt that Kobo is going, says Ageless. Looking for sea dragons. It's not like her.
Gaius is going. Gaius loves her, says Baby Pierre. He believes everything she says and nothing I say.
What did she say? asks Ageless.
That you were my best asset, says Baby Pierre.
He instantly regrets it.
Ageless swells visibly.
Best asset! says Ageless. Let me think now, Perth is.......wait a minute..... sea dragons..... why Perth for sea dragons? It's a city!
Dead ones, says Baby Pierre.
Dead ones! says Ageless. You don't want to eat dead ones. They should go to Esperance. The south coast teems with sea dragons, both species. Delicious yellow and purple weedy ones and crunchy leafy orange ones, which are rarer. Most of the orange ones live near here anyway. They needn't go all that way. It's crazy, I'd say, beyond fishy.
You're very smart, daddy, and learned, says Baby Pierre. But there's something you don't know. There's a new one. A new species. Gaius says it's a ruby red sea dragon.
Ageless is excited. A ruby red one! His favourite colour.
He picks up his red knitted hat.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
There Was No Perth In Those Days
Who said that about the diving suit? asks Gaius.
Me, says Baby Pierre. I have a diving suit. Can I come?
No, says Gaius. Firstly, you don't have a diving suit. And secondly, if you did, it would be no use to me.
A pebble doesn't need an actual diving suit, says Baby Pierre, sulkily.
But you still wish to come. What could you contribute to the sea dragon expedition? asks Gaius.
Baby Pierre tries to think what he could contribute to the sea dragon expedition.
His daddy, says Kobo.
What? It's a rare event when Kobo the fossilised clam comes out of her shell.
Pardon? says Gaius. Was that you, Kobo?
Yes, says Kobo. I couldn't help overhearing. Baby Pierre has an asset I doubt you've considered. His daddy.
Ageless lobster, says Gaius. Hmm.....yes, but Ageless is a crustacean. He probably eats sea dragons.
He does, says Baby Pierre. He eats sea dragons. So he'd know how to find them.
Good point, says Gaius. Well done, Kobo. How would you like to come?
I'D like to come, says Baby Pierre. Not her. She's old. She never goes anywhere.
Not so, says Kobo. I've been here and there. The beach. A bicycle race. East Blaxland, in a handbag. But I've never been to Perth. At least not since the Permian-Triassic extinction. Beyond that I have no recollection.......
Goodness me, says Gaius. That's quite far enough. And of course there was no Perth in those days. Tell me, do you have a diving suit?
No, but I do have a Kindle, says Kobo.
Wonderful, says Gaius. We shall have something to do in the quiet times. Sweezus is coming. And Arthur. Neither of them have a Kindle. At least I don't think so. What are you reading?
Indelible Ink, says Kobo. Not sure if I like it. It's about a middle class woman who starts getting tattoos.
Gaius looks vaguely sympathetic. He too has read books on uncomfortable subjects.
Baby Pierre sees his chances of joining the sea dragon expedition diminish by the second.
........
Sweezus has finished tweaking his article. Arthur comes in.
Finished? says Arthur. Want to come out for a drink?
Pablo gone? asks Sweezus.
Yes, says Arthur. Gone to the airport. Got a lift with Ray and Terence.
Terence? says Sweezus. Terence is with Ray?
They're going to Melbourne, says Arthur. I thought you knew that.
I knew Ray was, says Sweezus. But Terence? He can't go. I'm supposed to be like, in loco parentis.
Only if he's Spanish, says Arthur.
He is fricken' Spanish! says Sweezus. We're not the same person!
Calm down, says Arthur. Ray's going to drop him at the Marxism Conference. Then he'll be with his grandpa.
I don't trust Ray Moon, mutters Sweezus. He's hated me ever since that collection box incident.
You needed that money, says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I did too. Oh YEAH, that reminds me! Gaius is paying for the Perth trip. He's got royalty money. Now what d'ya reckon?
I'm definitely in, says Arthur. Sea dragons it is. Remember that sea dragon postcard I sent you?
The one you sent me from Tassie? Dude, I've still got it, somewhere.
Sweezus and Arthur go out for a drink on the high of this sweet recollection.
Me, says Baby Pierre. I have a diving suit. Can I come?
No, says Gaius. Firstly, you don't have a diving suit. And secondly, if you did, it would be no use to me.
A pebble doesn't need an actual diving suit, says Baby Pierre, sulkily.
But you still wish to come. What could you contribute to the sea dragon expedition? asks Gaius.
Baby Pierre tries to think what he could contribute to the sea dragon expedition.
His daddy, says Kobo.
What? It's a rare event when Kobo the fossilised clam comes out of her shell.
Pardon? says Gaius. Was that you, Kobo?
Yes, says Kobo. I couldn't help overhearing. Baby Pierre has an asset I doubt you've considered. His daddy.
Ageless lobster, says Gaius. Hmm.....yes, but Ageless is a crustacean. He probably eats sea dragons.
He does, says Baby Pierre. He eats sea dragons. So he'd know how to find them.
Good point, says Gaius. Well done, Kobo. How would you like to come?
I'D like to come, says Baby Pierre. Not her. She's old. She never goes anywhere.
Not so, says Kobo. I've been here and there. The beach. A bicycle race. East Blaxland, in a handbag. But I've never been to Perth. At least not since the Permian-Triassic extinction. Beyond that I have no recollection.......
Goodness me, says Gaius. That's quite far enough. And of course there was no Perth in those days. Tell me, do you have a diving suit?
No, but I do have a Kindle, says Kobo.
Wonderful, says Gaius. We shall have something to do in the quiet times. Sweezus is coming. And Arthur. Neither of them have a Kindle. At least I don't think so. What are you reading?
Indelible Ink, says Kobo. Not sure if I like it. It's about a middle class woman who starts getting tattoos.
Gaius looks vaguely sympathetic. He too has read books on uncomfortable subjects.
Baby Pierre sees his chances of joining the sea dragon expedition diminish by the second.
........
Sweezus has finished tweaking his article. Arthur comes in.
Finished? says Arthur. Want to come out for a drink?
Pablo gone? asks Sweezus.
Yes, says Arthur. Gone to the airport. Got a lift with Ray and Terence.
Terence? says Sweezus. Terence is with Ray?
They're going to Melbourne, says Arthur. I thought you knew that.
I knew Ray was, says Sweezus. But Terence? He can't go. I'm supposed to be like, in loco parentis.
Only if he's Spanish, says Arthur.
He is fricken' Spanish! says Sweezus. We're not the same person!
Calm down, says Arthur. Ray's going to drop him at the Marxism Conference. Then he'll be with his grandpa.
I don't trust Ray Moon, mutters Sweezus. He's hated me ever since that collection box incident.
You needed that money, says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I did too. Oh YEAH, that reminds me! Gaius is paying for the Perth trip. He's got royalty money. Now what d'ya reckon?
I'm definitely in, says Arthur. Sea dragons it is. Remember that sea dragon postcard I sent you?
The one you sent me from Tassie? Dude, I've still got it, somewhere.
Sweezus and Arthur go out for a drink on the high of this sweet recollection.
The Cucumber And The Diving Suit
Gaius has gone home to get ready for his forthcoming Perth trip.
He bustles about in the kitchen, emptying his fridge.
At the bottom of the crisper he finds a stinky old cucumber, half wrapped in plastic.
He squeezes the soggy cucumber out of the plastic and into his kitchen recycler, also made of plastic.
It occurs to him he could have just buried it in the garden. He is becoming too modern.
He looks for his notebook. Locates it. Looks for his pencils.
Damn! The pencils are missing. And the cheese knife is missing as well.
He tries calling Arthur, but Arthur's battery is flat, and he doesn't answer.
He calls Sweezus.
Hello, says Sweezus.
Is Arthur there? asks Gaius.
He is, but I'm not, says Sweezus. I'm in the office, trying to fix up my article on Vello, Diderot and Rousseau.
What was wrong with it? asks Gaius.
Rousseau was originally a musician, says Sweezus. Who knew?
Not me, says Gaius. Well, when you see Arthur tell him I need those two pencils and that cheese knife.
Nix on the cheese knife, says Sweezus. One of the Writers' Week ladies has got it. She said it was hers.
Drat, says Gaius. Well, ask Arthur to get me another one.
Where are you ? says Sweezus. At home?
Yes, says Gaius. I'm at home. What of it?
Don't you have your own cheese knife ? asks Sweezus.
I don't think so, says Gaius. But I'll look through my drawers. Thanks for the suggestion. You'll be quite an asset in Perth.
Did you ever think you might not need a cheese knife? says Sweezus, emboldened. You'll be looking for sea dragons. You might need a net.
Wonderful idea. And a diving suit, says Gaius. See what you can do.
Great, says Sweezus. I .....guess you're paying?
Yes indeed, says Gaius. I've just received my royalties cheque for the Natural History. It's still a best seller in Rome.
Sweezus sighs. If only he could write a best seller.
Okay, I'll tell Arthur. But he still hasn't said if he's coming.
Of course he's coming, says Gaius, ending the call.
I have a diving suit, says a voice from the window sill. Can I come?
Gaius turns round. Who on the window sill has a diving suit?
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Cool Angles On Rifts
How come you're not going? says Sweezus.
Gaius is going, says Arthur.
I'm going. Perth's heaps cool, says Sweezus. We could go down the coast, get in some surfing.
I'll think about it, says Arthur.
Pablo comes over with a spotted tray and a burger.
Ever been to Perth? asks Sweezus.
No, says Pablo. Are you going?
NO! says Terence who has been picking up coins under the table.
Don't listen to him, says Sweezus.
I'm leaving soon, says Pablo. I've already missed the Paris-Nice , and the Tirreno. Not long till the Giro.
Lucky bugger, says Sweezus.
Language, says Terence.
I know it's language, says Sweezus.
Why can't we go to Melbourne? says Terence.
It's the other side of the country, says Arthur.
Who wants to go to Melbourne? says Ray, coming over with a dish of Vietnamese street food.
Me, says Terence. But not with you, red face.
I'm going home to Blaxland, says Ray, but I thought I'd stop off in Melbourne. See my ex-wife. Maybe stay over Easter.
Good for you, says Sweezus.
Don't you need to be at your church over Easter? says Pablo.
Ray chews on a sprout, and looks grim.
Vello and Denis Diderot wander over, with bottles of Cooper's.
Making plans are we? says Vello.
Yeah, we might go to Perth, says Sweezus. Look for the Seadragon thingy with Gaius.
Don't you have to finish something first? says Vello.
It's finished says Sweezus. Typed up and everything. I took this cool angle.
Oh? says Denis. What's this cool angle?
It's the rift between you guys, says Sweezus. Vello the deist and Diderot the atheist. And Rousseau, and how you hate him and Denis loves him, and........ what?
I'd better read it, says Vello.
You'd better, says Denis.
Gaius is going, says Arthur.
I'm going. Perth's heaps cool, says Sweezus. We could go down the coast, get in some surfing.
I'll think about it, says Arthur.
Pablo comes over with a spotted tray and a burger.
Ever been to Perth? asks Sweezus.
No, says Pablo. Are you going?
NO! says Terence who has been picking up coins under the table.
Don't listen to him, says Sweezus.
I'm leaving soon, says Pablo. I've already missed the Paris-Nice , and the Tirreno. Not long till the Giro.
Lucky bugger, says Sweezus.
Language, says Terence.
I know it's language, says Sweezus.
Why can't we go to Melbourne? says Terence.
It's the other side of the country, says Arthur.
Who wants to go to Melbourne? says Ray, coming over with a dish of Vietnamese street food.
Me, says Terence. But not with you, red face.
I'm going home to Blaxland, says Ray, but I thought I'd stop off in Melbourne. See my ex-wife. Maybe stay over Easter.
Good for you, says Sweezus.
Don't you need to be at your church over Easter? says Pablo.
Ray chews on a sprout, and looks grim.
Vello and Denis Diderot wander over, with bottles of Cooper's.
Making plans are we? says Vello.
Yeah, we might go to Perth, says Sweezus. Look for the Seadragon thingy with Gaius.
Don't you have to finish something first? says Vello.
It's finished says Sweezus. Typed up and everything. I took this cool angle.
Oh? says Denis. What's this cool angle?
It's the rift between you guys, says Sweezus. Vello the deist and Diderot the atheist. And Rousseau, and how you hate him and Denis loves him, and........ what?
I'd better read it, says Vello.
You'd better, says Denis.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Turned Up Didn't Muff Anything
The show's over. Vello re-enters the tent.
Sweezus and Arthur are helping Terence pick up the gold coins he was showered with.
What a coup, says Vello. All this extra money. Well done Terence.
Now I'm going to MELBOURNE, says Terence.
What? says Sweezus. First I've heard of it.
Not with this money, says Vello. This is communal money.
My money, says Terence, shovelling coins into his shorts.
The coins all drop out again.
Bugger, says Terence.
Language! says Sweezus.
I know it's language, says Terence.
It's Terence's money, says Sweezus. He was showered with it.
I disagree, says Vello. It was thrown during the play. It's everyone's.
Does anyone know why I'm going to Melbourne? asks Terence.
No, says Arthur. No one does. Why?
Grandpa's there, says Terence. Doing a conference.
So he is, says Vello. The Easter Marxism conference. I assume you're referring to Marx. You do know he isn't your real grandpa?
You do know you're a fart face? says Terence.
Gaius comes in.
Gaius! says Vello. Congratulations on a brilliant Cacambo.
It was nothing, says Gaius modestly.
True, says Vello. You didn't have much to say. But you turned up, and you didn't muff anything.
We're going to Melbourne, says Terence. With my money.
Gaius looks sceptical.
Grandpa Marx is there, says Terence. Sweezus is coming with me.
No way, little dude, says Sweezus. I always go camping at Easter.
Quiet, says Vello. I vote we use all the money for a nice dinner of Wagyu beef burgers, from the burger bar outside. We're all hungry.
Not me, says Terence.
Except you, says Vello. I grant that. Perhaps you could go for a nice holiday with Gaius. He's always going somewhere. Looking out for endangered fish and things of that nature.
Steady on, says Gaius. I was thinking of going to Perth, but Arthur will be coming with me, and we don't need a baby.
Perth, says Arthur. What for?
They've identified a new species of seadragon. says Gaius. Phyllopteryx dewysea.
Wicked! says Sweezus. Seadragons are ace.
I'm not going, says Arthur.
I might go, says Sweezus.
I'm going to Melbourne, says Terence. No one can stop me.
Vello starts picking up coins from the floor.
There's enough for four Wagyu beef burgers.
Sweezus and Arthur are helping Terence pick up the gold coins he was showered with.
What a coup, says Vello. All this extra money. Well done Terence.
Now I'm going to MELBOURNE, says Terence.
What? says Sweezus. First I've heard of it.
Not with this money, says Vello. This is communal money.
My money, says Terence, shovelling coins into his shorts.
The coins all drop out again.
Bugger, says Terence.
Language! says Sweezus.
I know it's language, says Terence.
It's Terence's money, says Sweezus. He was showered with it.
I disagree, says Vello. It was thrown during the play. It's everyone's.
Does anyone know why I'm going to Melbourne? asks Terence.
No, says Arthur. No one does. Why?
Grandpa's there, says Terence. Doing a conference.
So he is, says Vello. The Easter Marxism conference. I assume you're referring to Marx. You do know he isn't your real grandpa?
You do know you're a fart face? says Terence.
Gaius comes in.
Gaius! says Vello. Congratulations on a brilliant Cacambo.
It was nothing, says Gaius modestly.
True, says Vello. You didn't have much to say. But you turned up, and you didn't muff anything.
We're going to Melbourne, says Terence. With my money.
Gaius looks sceptical.
Grandpa Marx is there, says Terence. Sweezus is coming with me.
No way, little dude, says Sweezus. I always go camping at Easter.
Quiet, says Vello. I vote we use all the money for a nice dinner of Wagyu beef burgers, from the burger bar outside. We're all hungry.
Not me, says Terence.
Except you, says Vello. I grant that. Perhaps you could go for a nice holiday with Gaius. He's always going somewhere. Looking out for endangered fish and things of that nature.
Steady on, says Gaius. I was thinking of going to Perth, but Arthur will be coming with me, and we don't need a baby.
Perth, says Arthur. What for?
They've identified a new species of seadragon. says Gaius. Phyllopteryx dewysea.
Wicked! says Sweezus. Seadragons are ace.
I'm not going, says Arthur.
I might go, says Sweezus.
I'm going to Melbourne, says Terence. No one can stop me.
Vello starts picking up coins from the floor.
There's enough for four Wagyu beef burgers.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Subversive Swallowings
Terence is now playing Candide, and Ray Doctor Pangloss.
It's no problem for Terence. He knows all of the parts.
And he is inventive. He picks on an audience member.
Someone who looks friendly. Not Sweezus.
Not Loretta, who is still eyeing the cheese knife.
He picks Merle.
Lift me, says Terence. I need to be taller.
Sure, says Merle, standing up quickly, and stooping to lift the cherubic baby.
Agh! says Merle. What are you made of?
YOU don't talk, says Terence. I talk. Take me behind the screen.
Merle does as requested.
The lovely Cunégonde is behind the screen.
Smooch! says Terence. Everyone hears it. It means they are kissing.
Why did he need lifting for that? Denise whispers.
He's a pro, whispers Denis.
........
Penultimate scene.
Ray takes off the costume. Drops it. Terence slides in.
Now Ray is Candide, bloodshot, red, scaly.
The lovely Cunégonde recoils, then advances. The audience cheers.
She still wants to marry him. How lovely.
........
Final scene. Candide's farm.
David (as the Old Lady): I have a question.
Ray (as Candide): What is it?
David (as the Old Lady): Which is the worst? To be ravaged by pirates, have one buttock cut off, be whipped and hanged at an auto da fé, to be dissected, be a slave in the galleys... or just to stay here with nothing to do?
Ray (as Candide): That's a difficult question.
Ha ha, laughs Denis, out loud.
Terence (as Doctor Pangloss): It's not funny.
Denis Diderot (as himself): I can't believe that's not meant to be funny. It certainly made me laugh.
Terence (as Doctor Pangloss) : This is funny. I'm an OTTER!
Denis: That's not funny. That's merely ridiculous.
Terence: A Japanese otter. Throw me gold coins!
The audience is by now in a mood to comply with any silliness.
They reach into their pockets, and shower Terence with coins.
Terence picks up a handful.
Belle et Bonne: Doctor Pangloss! Don't you dare swallow them!
Too late. Terence has tried.
Luckily Terence can't swallow anything.
.......
It's over.
The audience files out.
They are heard laughing and saying things like: Wow! That was brilliantly subversive.
Vello is pleased.
It's no problem for Terence. He knows all of the parts.
And he is inventive. He picks on an audience member.
Someone who looks friendly. Not Sweezus.
Not Loretta, who is still eyeing the cheese knife.
He picks Merle.
Lift me, says Terence. I need to be taller.
Sure, says Merle, standing up quickly, and stooping to lift the cherubic baby.
Agh! says Merle. What are you made of?
YOU don't talk, says Terence. I talk. Take me behind the screen.
Merle does as requested.
The lovely Cunégonde is behind the screen.
Smooch! says Terence. Everyone hears it. It means they are kissing.
Why did he need lifting for that? Denise whispers.
He's a pro, whispers Denis.
........
Penultimate scene.
Ray takes off the costume. Drops it. Terence slides in.
Now Ray is Candide, bloodshot, red, scaly.
The lovely Cunégonde recoils, then advances. The audience cheers.
She still wants to marry him. How lovely.
........
Final scene. Candide's farm.
David (as the Old Lady): I have a question.
Ray (as Candide): What is it?
David (as the Old Lady): Which is the worst? To be ravaged by pirates, have one buttock cut off, be whipped and hanged at an auto da fé, to be dissected, be a slave in the galleys... or just to stay here with nothing to do?
Ray (as Candide): That's a difficult question.
Ha ha, laughs Denis, out loud.
Terence (as Doctor Pangloss): It's not funny.
Denis Diderot (as himself): I can't believe that's not meant to be funny. It certainly made me laugh.
Terence (as Doctor Pangloss) : This is funny. I'm an OTTER!
Denis: That's not funny. That's merely ridiculous.
Terence: A Japanese otter. Throw me gold coins!
The audience is by now in a mood to comply with any silliness.
They reach into their pockets, and shower Terence with coins.
Terence picks up a handful.
Belle et Bonne: Doctor Pangloss! Don't you dare swallow them!
Too late. Terence has tried.
Luckily Terence can't swallow anything.
.......
It's over.
The audience files out.
They are heard laughing and saying things like: Wow! That was brilliantly subversive.
Vello is pleased.
Imagine He Is Young And Not Scaly
And what of Vello's production? What of Candide?
Tonight is the one and only performance, and..... it's a sellout.
A large crowd gathers outside the Flabbergast tent.
Inside the tent the performers are nervous.
All right, Ray? says Rosamunda. Remember your lines?
Red lines, says Terence.
Shut up, Terence! says Ray.
Pity we couldn't get them off, says Belle et Bonne. Too late now.
Ray's face is covered with red lines made by Gaius's pencil. His arms are red and scaly as well.
The tent flaps open. The crowd streams in.
Merle and Loretta, Denis and Denise Diderot, Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo Neruda and Margaret sit on the front row.
Vello appears from a behind a black curtain.
Ladies and gentlemen, says Vello. Welcome to Candide. Tonight Doctor Pangloss will be played by a mystery player.
That'll be the BABY! whispers Merle.
And the part of Candide will be played by Ray Moon, the recent victim of a too-vigorous red marking pencil. Ray asks that you try and imagine he is young, fresh and unmarked until the last scene. Will you all do that?
YES! roars the audience (except Margaret).
Then, ENJOY THE SHOW! cries Vello. He retires behind the black curtain again.
Ray comes out, followed by Terence, wriggling inside the sleeve of his Doctor Pangloss costume.
There is no effect without a cause, says the costume.
Very wise, Doctor Pangloss, says Ray.
Which is why you have red lines on your face, and red scaly arms, says the costume.
I don't, do I? says Ray, who was never good at improv.
Yes you do. Want to borrow my costume? says Doctor Pangloss.
Doctor Pangloss slides out of his costume.
Ahh! the crowd is surprised at the appearance of the mystery player.
The baby, whispers Loretta. Isn't he just the sweetest wee cherub!
Sweezus stands up and sits down again. Didn't he say strictly NO ACTING?
He gives Terence a meaningful glare. Terence ignores it.
Ray reluctantly works his way into the costume.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. It's full of sharp pins.
Belle et Bonne comes out from behind the black curtain. The lovely Cunégonde.
Seeing a large red upright Doctor Pangloss, and a wee cherub that must now be Candide, she drops her hankie in front of the cherub.
Terence picks up the hankie.
Vello comes out from behind the curtain as her father, Baron Thunder-Ten-Tronck.
Denis and Denise Diderot clap loudly. It's Vello!
The Baron kicks Terence in the backside, and in doing so, exposes his sword.
Is that my cheese knife? whispers Loretta. I swear it is. I lost it at the Writers Week picnic.
Pablo nudges Arthur.
But Arthur refuses to even acknowledge the cheese knife.
Tonight is the one and only performance, and..... it's a sellout.
A large crowd gathers outside the Flabbergast tent.
Inside the tent the performers are nervous.
All right, Ray? says Rosamunda. Remember your lines?
Red lines, says Terence.
Shut up, Terence! says Ray.
Pity we couldn't get them off, says Belle et Bonne. Too late now.
Ray's face is covered with red lines made by Gaius's pencil. His arms are red and scaly as well.
The tent flaps open. The crowd streams in.
Merle and Loretta, Denis and Denise Diderot, Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo Neruda and Margaret sit on the front row.
Vello appears from a behind a black curtain.
Ladies and gentlemen, says Vello. Welcome to Candide. Tonight Doctor Pangloss will be played by a mystery player.
That'll be the BABY! whispers Merle.
And the part of Candide will be played by Ray Moon, the recent victim of a too-vigorous red marking pencil. Ray asks that you try and imagine he is young, fresh and unmarked until the last scene. Will you all do that?
YES! roars the audience (except Margaret).
Then, ENJOY THE SHOW! cries Vello. He retires behind the black curtain again.
Ray comes out, followed by Terence, wriggling inside the sleeve of his Doctor Pangloss costume.
There is no effect without a cause, says the costume.
Very wise, Doctor Pangloss, says Ray.
Which is why you have red lines on your face, and red scaly arms, says the costume.
I don't, do I? says Ray, who was never good at improv.
Yes you do. Want to borrow my costume? says Doctor Pangloss.
Doctor Pangloss slides out of his costume.
Ahh! the crowd is surprised at the appearance of the mystery player.
The baby, whispers Loretta. Isn't he just the sweetest wee cherub!
Sweezus stands up and sits down again. Didn't he say strictly NO ACTING?
He gives Terence a meaningful glare. Terence ignores it.
Ray reluctantly works his way into the costume.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. It's full of sharp pins.
Belle et Bonne comes out from behind the black curtain. The lovely Cunégonde.
Seeing a large red upright Doctor Pangloss, and a wee cherub that must now be Candide, she drops her hankie in front of the cherub.
Terence picks up the hankie.
Vello comes out from behind the curtain as her father, Baron Thunder-Ten-Tronck.
Denis and Denise Diderot clap loudly. It's Vello!
The Baron kicks Terence in the backside, and in doing so, exposes his sword.
Is that my cheese knife? whispers Loretta. I swear it is. I lost it at the Writers Week picnic.
Pablo nudges Arthur.
But Arthur refuses to even acknowledge the cheese knife.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Blue Man Disappearing
Katherine and Denise can see quite well now. Their eyes have got used to the dark.
The fire on the screen has died down and the man has disappeared.
Just like life, says Katherine.
Yes, says Denise. Very existential.
Except..... says Katherine.
Exactly, says Denise. We don't disappear quite so cleanly.
........
Denis has swallowed the last dregs of his cold drip coffee.
What now? says Denis.
How about we grab a couple of free bikes and I show you the city? says Sweezus.
Free bikes! Great idea, says Denis.
Sweezus pays for the coffees, and they walk to the station to pick up the bikes.
Soon they are riding along North Terrace, past the Art Gallery, with its banners.
BILL VIOLA, says Sweezus. The video artist. You heard of him?
No-oh! says Denis, narrowly avoiding a pedestrian. Fame is not always universal.
But you're famous, says Sweezus.
Much good it did me, says Denis. Constant drudgery, harassment and desertion. Damn dictionary.
Encyclopedia, says Sweezus. Shit, sorry, man, call it whatever.....
But Denis isn't listening. He has spotted his sister.
That looks like Denise and Katherine coming out of the gallery, says Denis.
He stops and humps his free bicycle onto the pavement. Sweezus does the same.
.......
We had SUCH a lovely lunch, says Denise. And we've been to three galleries.
What did you think of Bill Viola? asks Sweezus.
Wonderfully dark, says Katherine. Deeply thoughtful and evocative.
Yes, says Denise, suppressing a burp ( pickled carrot). I particularly liked The Messenger. A naked man rises up towards you through deep blue-black glittering water. Mesmerising. It takes ages.
Ages, says Katherine. Like everything in there.
Denis remembers the cold drip coffee, which also takes ages, yet doesn't seem worth it.
Is that it? asks Sweezus. Does anything else happen?
He breaks the surface, says Denise. Opens his eyes and takes a breath. You see his natural colour, and his.....
Penis, says Katherine.
I was going to say that, says Denise.
Sorry, says Katherine. I should have waited.
Then he floats back down again slowly, slowly, until he's just a wavering bright spot in the depths of the water, says Denise.
Such a nice looking young man, says Katherine.
Bit like you, thinks Denise, looking at Sweezus.
The fire on the screen has died down and the man has disappeared.
Just like life, says Katherine.
Yes, says Denise. Very existential.
Except..... says Katherine.
Exactly, says Denise. We don't disappear quite so cleanly.
........
Denis has swallowed the last dregs of his cold drip coffee.
What now? says Denis.
How about we grab a couple of free bikes and I show you the city? says Sweezus.
Free bikes! Great idea, says Denis.
Sweezus pays for the coffees, and they walk to the station to pick up the bikes.
Soon they are riding along North Terrace, past the Art Gallery, with its banners.
BILL VIOLA, says Sweezus. The video artist. You heard of him?
No-oh! says Denis, narrowly avoiding a pedestrian. Fame is not always universal.
But you're famous, says Sweezus.
Much good it did me, says Denis. Constant drudgery, harassment and desertion. Damn dictionary.
Encyclopedia, says Sweezus. Shit, sorry, man, call it whatever.....
But Denis isn't listening. He has spotted his sister.
That looks like Denise and Katherine coming out of the gallery, says Denis.
He stops and humps his free bicycle onto the pavement. Sweezus does the same.
.......
We had SUCH a lovely lunch, says Denise. And we've been to three galleries.
What did you think of Bill Viola? asks Sweezus.
Wonderfully dark, says Katherine. Deeply thoughtful and evocative.
Yes, says Denise, suppressing a burp ( pickled carrot). I particularly liked The Messenger. A naked man rises up towards you through deep blue-black glittering water. Mesmerising. It takes ages.
Ages, says Katherine. Like everything in there.
Denis remembers the cold drip coffee, which also takes ages, yet doesn't seem worth it.
Is that it? asks Sweezus. Does anything else happen?
He breaks the surface, says Denise. Opens his eyes and takes a breath. You see his natural colour, and his.....
Penis, says Katherine.
I was going to say that, says Denise.
Sorry, says Katherine. I should have waited.
Then he floats back down again slowly, slowly, until he's just a wavering bright spot in the depths of the water, says Denise.
Such a nice looking young man, says Katherine.
Bit like you, thinks Denise, looking at Sweezus.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Eat Drink Write Burn
Katherine and Denise catch the tram from the Samstag to King William Street and walk to the Art Gallery.
A banner outside reads: BILL VIOLA.
Ah, says Katherine. Bill Viola.
You know Bill Viola? asks Denise.
No, says Katherine. Never heard of him.
Shall we get lunch first? says Denise.
Yes, says Katherine. There's a restaurant inside.
They go there.
Katherine orders Silky Cauliflower Risotto, Denise orders Greek Pickled Carrot.
For dessert, they have Peanut Butter and Jelly Parfait, with Strawberry Consomme.
It's quite expensive.
........
Sweezus and Denis Diderot are still sitting over their cold drip coffee.
New thing, this cold drip coffee? says Denis.
Yep, says Sweezus. It costs more and it takes ages.
To drink it, says Denis.
To make it. You don't like it? asks Sweezus.
It's cold, says Denis.
Cold dripped, says Sweezus.
I understand that, says Denis. But what is its raison d'etre?
Sweezus likes the philosophical thrust of the question.
He tries to remember what he read somewhere once on a chalk board.
Less acidic, says Sweezus.
Coffee isn't acidic, says Denis. Is it?
Sweezus is stumped. Denis is right. It isn't.
He gets out his smartphone. Works it with his thumb.
Coffee contains chlorogenic acid which cools to form quinic acid which is astringent and bitter, says Sweezus.
Fascinating, says Denis. I might put that in my encyclopedia.
Yeah, life-long learning, man, says Sweezus. It's important. Did you write in in prison?
No, after, says Denis.
.........
It's dark in the Bill Viola exhibition, which is at the end of an unlit passage and round a corner.
Katherine and Denise emerge into a vast room with a gigantic screen.
A man on the screen wearing a blue shirt and chinos walks slowly towards them, then catches on fire.
(to summarise something that takes at least fifteen minutes).
During the video, Katherine and Denise gradually realise that they can sit down on a seat along the back wall. They sit gratefully, to watch the man burning.
The fire roars and crackles. It sounds like water, for a reason that Katherine and Denise do not at first understand.
A banner outside reads: BILL VIOLA.
Ah, says Katherine. Bill Viola.
You know Bill Viola? asks Denise.
No, says Katherine. Never heard of him.
Shall we get lunch first? says Denise.
Yes, says Katherine. There's a restaurant inside.
They go there.
Katherine orders Silky Cauliflower Risotto, Denise orders Greek Pickled Carrot.
For dessert, they have Peanut Butter and Jelly Parfait, with Strawberry Consomme.
It's quite expensive.
........
Sweezus and Denis Diderot are still sitting over their cold drip coffee.
New thing, this cold drip coffee? says Denis.
Yep, says Sweezus. It costs more and it takes ages.
To drink it, says Denis.
To make it. You don't like it? asks Sweezus.
It's cold, says Denis.
Cold dripped, says Sweezus.
I understand that, says Denis. But what is its raison d'etre?
Sweezus likes the philosophical thrust of the question.
He tries to remember what he read somewhere once on a chalk board.
Less acidic, says Sweezus.
Coffee isn't acidic, says Denis. Is it?
Sweezus is stumped. Denis is right. It isn't.
He gets out his smartphone. Works it with his thumb.
Coffee contains chlorogenic acid which cools to form quinic acid which is astringent and bitter, says Sweezus.
Fascinating, says Denis. I might put that in my encyclopedia.
Yeah, life-long learning, man, says Sweezus. It's important. Did you write in in prison?
No, after, says Denis.
.........
It's dark in the Bill Viola exhibition, which is at the end of an unlit passage and round a corner.
Katherine and Denise emerge into a vast room with a gigantic screen.
A man on the screen wearing a blue shirt and chinos walks slowly towards them, then catches on fire.
(to summarise something that takes at least fifteen minutes).
During the video, Katherine and Denise gradually realise that they can sit down on a seat along the back wall. They sit gratefully, to watch the man burning.
The fire roars and crackles. It sounds like water, for a reason that Katherine and Denise do not at first understand.
Cold Drip Coffee And The Creator
Sweezus and Denis Diderot are at Please Say Please. Sweezus is ordering coffee.
He orders two cold drip coffees and sits down.
Now, says Sweezus. How would you like us to do this?
Denis frowns.
You could talk. I could write notes, says Sweezus.
Do I detect a note of hopefulness in your suggestion? says Denis. Why don't you ask me some questions?
Okay, says Sweezus, but I only got told about this yesterday. Um.... you and Vello been friends long?
Yes, says Denis. Ever since I read his Philosophical Letters. At first I was inspired by him. But we parted ways philosophically some time later.
But you guys are still friends, yeah? asks Sweezus.
Oh yes, says Denis. You......you don't pick up on things do you?
Uh? says Sweezus. I picked up on the friends thing.
But more importantly, says Denis, for the purposes of a serious interview, don't you think you should ask why Vello and I parted ways philosophically?
Yeah okay, says Sweezus. Why did you? Wait, let me guess. Something about pedals.
What makes you think that? asks Denis. David mentioned bicycle pedals earlier. What's going on?
I don't know says Sweezus. Maybe he meant pedals for keyboards?
But why would anyone confuse them? asks Denis.
The interview is not going well. But luckily the cold drip coffee arrives.
It is served very nicely in little glass hip flask bottles with a square ice cube in a glass on the side.
.........
Denise and Katherine have now moved from the AEAF to the Samstag.
This looks less confronting than tERROR, says Katherine.
Let's hope so, says Denise. It wasn't the lying on the mattress, it was the sliding off.
Never pays to do it too quickly, says Katherine. So, here we are. No mattresses here.
Do it, says Denise. Sounds like a sports motto.
Let's see, says Katherine. An artist gets a set of instructions, and follows them. That's doesn't sound very artistic. Sounds more like school. Or painting by numbers.
I used to like painting by numbers, says Denise. I'm attracted by that big one over there.
You go and look at it then, dear, says Katherine.
Denise goes over to the big painting which consists of randomly placed plastic paint smears. White, yellow and pink paint smears are available on a board next to the painting for the public to place on the artwork wherever they please.
Denise stares at the artwork. Will she place a paint smear?
It seems so silly. But she wants to.
........
So, says Sweezus, you parted ways philosophically. Why was that?
Thank you for asking, says Denis. It was because Vello remained a deist, while I became an atheist and materialist.
How come? asks Sweezus.
It made sense to me, says Denis. Why must there be a creator? But I got into a great deal of trouble. I published my ideas and was sent to prison.
Heavy, says Sweezus. Just for being an atheist. Those were the days, eh?
Why aren't you writing this down? asks Denis.
Sorry, says Sweezus, getting his notepad and pen out.
He orders two cold drip coffees and sits down.
Now, says Sweezus. How would you like us to do this?
Denis frowns.
You could talk. I could write notes, says Sweezus.
Do I detect a note of hopefulness in your suggestion? says Denis. Why don't you ask me some questions?
Okay, says Sweezus, but I only got told about this yesterday. Um.... you and Vello been friends long?
Yes, says Denis. Ever since I read his Philosophical Letters. At first I was inspired by him. But we parted ways philosophically some time later.
But you guys are still friends, yeah? asks Sweezus.
Oh yes, says Denis. You......you don't pick up on things do you?
Uh? says Sweezus. I picked up on the friends thing.
But more importantly, says Denis, for the purposes of a serious interview, don't you think you should ask why Vello and I parted ways philosophically?
Yeah okay, says Sweezus. Why did you? Wait, let me guess. Something about pedals.
What makes you think that? asks Denis. David mentioned bicycle pedals earlier. What's going on?
I don't know says Sweezus. Maybe he meant pedals for keyboards?
But why would anyone confuse them? asks Denis.
The interview is not going well. But luckily the cold drip coffee arrives.
It is served very nicely in little glass hip flask bottles with a square ice cube in a glass on the side.
.........
Denise and Katherine have now moved from the AEAF to the Samstag.
This looks less confronting than tERROR, says Katherine.
Let's hope so, says Denise. It wasn't the lying on the mattress, it was the sliding off.
Never pays to do it too quickly, says Katherine. So, here we are. No mattresses here.
Do it, says Denise. Sounds like a sports motto.
Let's see, says Katherine. An artist gets a set of instructions, and follows them. That's doesn't sound very artistic. Sounds more like school. Or painting by numbers.
I used to like painting by numbers, says Denise. I'm attracted by that big one over there.
You go and look at it then, dear, says Katherine.
Denise goes over to the big painting which consists of randomly placed plastic paint smears. White, yellow and pink paint smears are available on a board next to the painting for the public to place on the artwork wherever they please.
Denise stares at the artwork. Will she place a paint smear?
It seems so silly. But she wants to.
........
So, says Sweezus, you parted ways philosophically. Why was that?
Thank you for asking, says Denis. It was because Vello remained a deist, while I became an atheist and materialist.
How come? asks Sweezus.
It made sense to me, says Denis. Why must there be a creator? But I got into a great deal of trouble. I published my ideas and was sent to prison.
Heavy, says Sweezus. Just for being an atheist. Those were the days, eh?
Why aren't you writing this down? asks Denis.
Sorry, says Sweezus, getting his notepad and pen out.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
The Uncomfortable After Effects Of Terror
Katherine Hume takes Denise Diderot to the Adelaide Experimental Arts Foundation Gallery.
They enter the gallery. Katherine rips a sheet of black program notes from a set on the wall. In the dim light, all she can read is the title.
tERROR, with the final R back to front.
Denise is looking at an artwork that will later turn out to have been Full Moon Rising Over The Suburban McDonalds Spelling Out The Word OM.
Katherine is intrigued by A Mysterious Hum On The Horizon (a car bumper, suspended, revolving).
I do like modern art, says Katherine. But I don't understand it.
When I don't understand it, says Denise, I ask myself a particular question.
What is it? asks Katherine.
Yes, says Denise.
A slowed-down version of Nothing Compares 2 U has been constantly looping in a dark room at the back of the gallery.
They go in.
Oh, says Katherine. I can't see a thing in here. Where are you?
Behind you, says Denise. Just keep going.
They stumble down a corridor and turn a corner.
at the far end of the room is a bed and a mattress
they climb on and lie under
a screen on which a humanoid creature
in tight shorts writhes in a black night of stars
the music throbs through their bodies it's
peaceful erotic unhinged
they lie side by side for some minutes.
after which they slide off the mattress
and make their way out
Ugh, says Denise. You know that feeling when your underwear's hitched up too high? I've got it.
I know just what you mean dear, says Katherine. Let's stop a moment before we go out past the man in the bookshop.
They enter the gallery. Katherine rips a sheet of black program notes from a set on the wall. In the dim light, all she can read is the title.
tERROR, with the final R back to front.
Denise is looking at an artwork that will later turn out to have been Full Moon Rising Over The Suburban McDonalds Spelling Out The Word OM.
Katherine is intrigued by A Mysterious Hum On The Horizon (a car bumper, suspended, revolving).
I do like modern art, says Katherine. But I don't understand it.
When I don't understand it, says Denise, I ask myself a particular question.
What is it? asks Katherine.
Yes, says Denise.
A slowed-down version of Nothing Compares 2 U has been constantly looping in a dark room at the back of the gallery.
They go in.
Oh, says Katherine. I can't see a thing in here. Where are you?
Behind you, says Denise. Just keep going.
They stumble down a corridor and turn a corner.
at the far end of the room is a bed and a mattress
they climb on and lie under
a screen on which a humanoid creature
in tight shorts writhes in a black night of stars
the music throbs through their bodies it's
peaceful erotic unhinged
they lie side by side for some minutes.
after which they slide off the mattress
and make their way out
Ugh, says Denise. You know that feeling when your underwear's hitched up too high? I've got it.
I know just what you mean dear, says Katherine. Let's stop a moment before we go out past the man in the bookshop.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Astonishing Perspicacity
Sweezus, says Vello, meet Denis Diderot. Denis, meet Sweezus, one of our up and coming young writers.
Cool, says Sweezus. I mean yeah, hi Denis.
No need to be formal, says Denis.
Why don't you two go out for a coffee, says David. Get to know one another. Chat about bicycles, I hear Denis is an expert on pedals.
I don't know where that comes from, says Denis. And we've just had a nice cup of tea and nutty biscuits. I don't need a coffee.
Go, Denis, says his sister. It's not every day you get a chance to have a chat with a modern young hipster.
True, Denise, says Denis. All right then, Sweezus. Will we be bringing the baby?
No, Terence can stay here, says David. You'd like that, wouldn't you Terence?
Yes , says Terence, eyeing his costume, which has been shoved carelessly into a corner.
Okay, says Sweezus, Terence can stay. But NO ACTING.
.........
Right, says Rosamunda, when Sweezus and Denis have left. Terence, you're Doctor Pangloss.
Yippee! says Terence.
What about NO ACTING? says Gaius.
I'm not ACTING, says Terence. I'm Doctor Pangloss. He's dead.
No he isn't, says Rosamunda. He's been whipped, hanged and dissected, sewn up again and sold as a galley slave with Cunégonde's brother.
The brother's dead too, says Terence. Killed by a pencil.
No he isn't, says Vello. He was sewn up again by an apothecary.
What a ridiculous story, says Denise Diderot. Vello, what were you thinking? People don't come back to life. They couldn't have been dead in the first place.
Denise, says Katherine. Why don't we go out and have a look at some nice exhibitions? And have a lovely lunch after.
I'd like that Katherine, says Denise. I can't watch this play another minute.
.......
At last both the Diderots and Sweezus have been got rid of.
Terence disappears up the sleeve of his costume.
Ray comes in looking tired.
All is for the best! says the costume.
Is it? says Ray.
.......
I hate playing Cunégonde, says Belle et Bonne.
But you must have played her before, says Rosamunda.
I know, it's just at the end when Candide finds her and she's become ugly, eyes bloodshot, cheeks wrinkled, arms red and scaly, says Belle et Bonne.
Yes it sucks, says Rosamunda. Perhaps this time you can stay pretty, and he can get ugly. Would it make that much difference?
No, it wouldn't, says Belle et Bonne. They'd still get married, buy a farm, and work in their garden.
Let's do it, says Rosamunda. Where's that red pencil?
.......
They are all heads down looking for the red pencil when Arthur comes in.
Arthur! says Gaius. I've been hoping to see you, ever since I returned from Victoria.
Really, says Arthur.
I would have taken you with me, says Gaius.
I know, says Arthur. Pity. Bet you forgot to pack something essential. Like a knife. Or some pencils.
Astonishing! says Gaius. That's exactly what happened. How you know these things, I'll never.....
Here it is! cries Rosamunda. But damn! It's broken.
Use this, says Arthur, producing ( I would like to say, a pencil sharpener, but alas, he produces ) a cheese knife.
Cool, says Sweezus. I mean yeah, hi Denis.
No need to be formal, says Denis.
Why don't you two go out for a coffee, says David. Get to know one another. Chat about bicycles, I hear Denis is an expert on pedals.
I don't know where that comes from, says Denis. And we've just had a nice cup of tea and nutty biscuits. I don't need a coffee.
Go, Denis, says his sister. It's not every day you get a chance to have a chat with a modern young hipster.
True, Denise, says Denis. All right then, Sweezus. Will we be bringing the baby?
No, Terence can stay here, says David. You'd like that, wouldn't you Terence?
Yes , says Terence, eyeing his costume, which has been shoved carelessly into a corner.
Okay, says Sweezus, Terence can stay. But NO ACTING.
.........
Right, says Rosamunda, when Sweezus and Denis have left. Terence, you're Doctor Pangloss.
Yippee! says Terence.
What about NO ACTING? says Gaius.
I'm not ACTING, says Terence. I'm Doctor Pangloss. He's dead.
No he isn't, says Rosamunda. He's been whipped, hanged and dissected, sewn up again and sold as a galley slave with Cunégonde's brother.
The brother's dead too, says Terence. Killed by a pencil.
No he isn't, says Vello. He was sewn up again by an apothecary.
What a ridiculous story, says Denise Diderot. Vello, what were you thinking? People don't come back to life. They couldn't have been dead in the first place.
Denise, says Katherine. Why don't we go out and have a look at some nice exhibitions? And have a lovely lunch after.
I'd like that Katherine, says Denise. I can't watch this play another minute.
.......
At last both the Diderots and Sweezus have been got rid of.
Terence disappears up the sleeve of his costume.
Ray comes in looking tired.
All is for the best! says the costume.
Is it? says Ray.
.......
I hate playing Cunégonde, says Belle et Bonne.
But you must have played her before, says Rosamunda.
I know, it's just at the end when Candide finds her and she's become ugly, eyes bloodshot, cheeks wrinkled, arms red and scaly, says Belle et Bonne.
Yes it sucks, says Rosamunda. Perhaps this time you can stay pretty, and he can get ugly. Would it make that much difference?
No, it wouldn't, says Belle et Bonne. They'd still get married, buy a farm, and work in their garden.
Let's do it, says Rosamunda. Where's that red pencil?
.......
They are all heads down looking for the red pencil when Arthur comes in.
Arthur! says Gaius. I've been hoping to see you, ever since I returned from Victoria.
Really, says Arthur.
I would have taken you with me, says Gaius.
I know, says Arthur. Pity. Bet you forgot to pack something essential. Like a knife. Or some pencils.
Astonishing! says Gaius. That's exactly what happened. How you know these things, I'll never.....
Here it is! cries Rosamunda. But damn! It's broken.
Use this, says Arthur, producing ( I would like to say, a pencil sharpener, but alas, he produces ) a cheese knife.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Wrong On So Many Levels
Early next morning, the final rehearsal.
Where's Ray? asks Rosamunda. There's no show without Punch.
Ha! says Vello. Wasn't he sleeping at Margaret's?
That may explain why he's late, says David.
Surely not, says Gaius. It's wise to leave Margaret's early. She makes such inedible breakfasts.
I didn't realise, you and Margaret..... says Katherine. My goodness. Are you a tiny bit jealous?
Jealous, says Gaius. Of course not. What of?
There is a knock on the door.
Aha, says Vello. This'll be Denis!
He opens the door.
In walk Denis and Denise Diderot, a handsome brother and sister, two peas in a pod.
Denis! cries Vello. How delightful to see you. And you too, Denise. Still a female Socrates?
Don't patronise me, Vello, snaps Denise Diderot. Hello, Katherine.
Hello, Denise, says Katherine. You've come at just the right time.
Why is that? asks Denise Diderot.
It's Mad March, says Katherine. There's so much going on.
So we gather, says Denis, I believe you're performing Candide?
Yes, says Vello. Tonight. You've just caught our final rehearsal.
It looks rather sparse, says Denise. Have you done away with some of the characters?
No, some of the cast are just late, says Rosamunda. I'm the director, Rosamunda Secunda. And you two must be Denise and Denis Diderot. I've heard so much about you.
What? asks Denise. The female Socrates chestnut? I hope not.
No, says Rosamunda. Not about you actually. About Denis. About his album of Tubular Bells. And how he knows all the different pedals.
Humph, says Denise. Denis! What's this about pedals?
Beats me, says Denis. Can't we just have a pleasant visit without being prickly?
Belle et Bonne enters with a tray of nutty biscuits, and bone china teacups.
Belle! says Denise. How are you?
Wonderful, says Belle et Bonne. How are you Denise?
So-so, says Denise. Keeping busy. Lecturing and writing. Someone has to. Are you part of this rehearsal? When is it starting?
There would be another knock on the door now, if Sweezus had remembered his manners.
Instead, he walks straight in with Terence.
Oh! cries Denise Diderot. A man in charge of a baby. Well done, young man. Hello little one, is mummy at work this morning?
Lady, that's wrong on so many levels, says Sweezus. Terence isn't my baby.
He's an actor, says Rosamunda.
No he isn't, says Sweezus.
In denial, says Denise Diderot loudly. A lot of young men are.
Where's Ray? asks Rosamunda. There's no show without Punch.
Ha! says Vello. Wasn't he sleeping at Margaret's?
That may explain why he's late, says David.
Surely not, says Gaius. It's wise to leave Margaret's early. She makes such inedible breakfasts.
I didn't realise, you and Margaret..... says Katherine. My goodness. Are you a tiny bit jealous?
Jealous, says Gaius. Of course not. What of?
There is a knock on the door.
Aha, says Vello. This'll be Denis!
He opens the door.
In walk Denis and Denise Diderot, a handsome brother and sister, two peas in a pod.
Denis! cries Vello. How delightful to see you. And you too, Denise. Still a female Socrates?
Don't patronise me, Vello, snaps Denise Diderot. Hello, Katherine.
Hello, Denise, says Katherine. You've come at just the right time.
Why is that? asks Denise Diderot.
It's Mad March, says Katherine. There's so much going on.
So we gather, says Denis, I believe you're performing Candide?
Yes, says Vello. Tonight. You've just caught our final rehearsal.
It looks rather sparse, says Denise. Have you done away with some of the characters?
No, some of the cast are just late, says Rosamunda. I'm the director, Rosamunda Secunda. And you two must be Denise and Denis Diderot. I've heard so much about you.
What? asks Denise. The female Socrates chestnut? I hope not.
No, says Rosamunda. Not about you actually. About Denis. About his album of Tubular Bells. And how he knows all the different pedals.
Humph, says Denise. Denis! What's this about pedals?
Beats me, says Denis. Can't we just have a pleasant visit without being prickly?
Belle et Bonne enters with a tray of nutty biscuits, and bone china teacups.
Belle! says Denise. How are you?
Wonderful, says Belle et Bonne. How are you Denise?
So-so, says Denise. Keeping busy. Lecturing and writing. Someone has to. Are you part of this rehearsal? When is it starting?
There would be another knock on the door now, if Sweezus had remembered his manners.
Instead, he walks straight in with Terence.
Oh! cries Denise Diderot. A man in charge of a baby. Well done, young man. Hello little one, is mummy at work this morning?
Lady, that's wrong on so many levels, says Sweezus. Terence isn't my baby.
He's an actor, says Rosamunda.
No he isn't, says Sweezus.
In denial, says Denise Diderot loudly. A lot of young men are.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
How To Get What You Want Without Lying
Merle returns with four cakes.
Arthur and Pablo start eating.
Aren't you going to introduce us? asks Rosamunda.
This is Merle and Loretta, says Pablo. Two kind ladies we joined up with, who profess to love poets.
Ha ha, laughs Loretta, looking slightly uncomfortable.
She whips off her high cotton hat. Good heavens, how embarrassing. She was still wearing it.
We've all been to Writers' Week, says Merle, reaching for a cake spoon.
Ah, says David. Who's on there?
Everyone! gushes Merle. Even Julia Gillard. But we missed her. We were listening to Pablo, and Arthur.
And Arthur? says Rosamunda.
Oh yes, Arthur is quite the modern poet, says Loretta.
I know, says Rosamunda. He has many talents. What's that book you've got, Arthur?
Arthur is spooning cake into his mouth mechanically and leafing through pages.
Savage Harvest, says Arthur. A tale of cannibals, colonialism and Michel Rockerfeller's tragic demise.
Oh ! says Merle. Did you go back and buy it, dear? I thought you didn't have any money.
This copy was damaged, says Arthur.
Well, says Katherine. This is nice, meeting you ladies. But we must be getting along. David has a busy day tomorrow.
Is he a writer? asks Loretta.
No, says Katherine. Well yes, he has written a few things. Philosophical musings. Never makes much money. But tomorrow he's acting in Candide. Rosamunda here is the director.
Yes, says Rosamunda. Come along if you like. Tell your friends.
Candide, says Merle. That's that French play by Voltaire. Are you doing it in English?
Yes, says Rosamunda. And it's very funny. Doctor Pangloss is played by a baby.
How INTRIGUING! says Merle. We must go and see that, Loretta.
Did you mean Terence? says Pablo. I thought he was banned from being in it.
Not by me, says Rosamunda.
By Sweezus, says Arthur, looking up from Savage Harvest.
Shit, says Rosamunda. The no-pants thing. What shall we do David?
I'll fix it, says David.
He takes out his phone and calls Sweezus.
Sweezus answers abruptly.
What? I'm in bed.
You'll be interested in this though, says David. Denis Diderot is coming tomorrow.
Loretta nearly chokes on a cake crumb. Merle pats her back.
Yes, says David, and that means work for you, if you want it.
He hears Terence's voice in the background, saying something which sounds like don't stop.
An article! says Sweezus. Awesome. I'll be round first thing in the morning. But I'll have to bring Terence.
Of course, by all means bring Terence, says David.
The call ends.
Sorted, says David.
Arthur and Pablo start eating.
Aren't you going to introduce us? asks Rosamunda.
This is Merle and Loretta, says Pablo. Two kind ladies we joined up with, who profess to love poets.
Ha ha, laughs Loretta, looking slightly uncomfortable.
She whips off her high cotton hat. Good heavens, how embarrassing. She was still wearing it.
We've all been to Writers' Week, says Merle, reaching for a cake spoon.
Ah, says David. Who's on there?
Everyone! gushes Merle. Even Julia Gillard. But we missed her. We were listening to Pablo, and Arthur.
And Arthur? says Rosamunda.
Oh yes, Arthur is quite the modern poet, says Loretta.
I know, says Rosamunda. He has many talents. What's that book you've got, Arthur?
Arthur is spooning cake into his mouth mechanically and leafing through pages.
Savage Harvest, says Arthur. A tale of cannibals, colonialism and Michel Rockerfeller's tragic demise.
Oh ! says Merle. Did you go back and buy it, dear? I thought you didn't have any money.
This copy was damaged, says Arthur.
Well, says Katherine. This is nice, meeting you ladies. But we must be getting along. David has a busy day tomorrow.
Is he a writer? asks Loretta.
No, says Katherine. Well yes, he has written a few things. Philosophical musings. Never makes much money. But tomorrow he's acting in Candide. Rosamunda here is the director.
Yes, says Rosamunda. Come along if you like. Tell your friends.
Candide, says Merle. That's that French play by Voltaire. Are you doing it in English?
Yes, says Rosamunda. And it's very funny. Doctor Pangloss is played by a baby.
How INTRIGUING! says Merle. We must go and see that, Loretta.
Did you mean Terence? says Pablo. I thought he was banned from being in it.
Not by me, says Rosamunda.
By Sweezus, says Arthur, looking up from Savage Harvest.
Shit, says Rosamunda. The no-pants thing. What shall we do David?
I'll fix it, says David.
He takes out his phone and calls Sweezus.
Sweezus answers abruptly.
What? I'm in bed.
You'll be interested in this though, says David. Denis Diderot is coming tomorrow.
Loretta nearly chokes on a cake crumb. Merle pats her back.
Yes, says David, and that means work for you, if you want it.
He hears Terence's voice in the background, saying something which sounds like don't stop.
An article! says Sweezus. Awesome. I'll be round first thing in the morning. But I'll have to bring Terence.
Of course, by all means bring Terence, says David.
The call ends.
Sorted, says David.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Death List And Apology Cake
Early evening.
David, Katherine and Rosamunda are sitting on a drum eating Wagyu beef burgers at Gluttony.
Then it's time for the show, Homicidal Pacifist.
They enter the tent and sit down, with six others.
Does this mean it won't be that funny?
.........
Show over, David, Rosamunda and Katherine emerge from the tent.
That was passable, says David.
Quite funny in parts, says Katherine.
Is it funny to have a list of people you've thought about culling? asks Rosamunda.
Of course it is, says Katherine. If they are dreadful. It's also cathartic.
I suppose so, says Rosamunda.
All right, says David. Let's make our own list. Top of my list is: People who favour the death penalty.
Good one, David, says Katherine. You should be doing your own show.
He is, says Rosamunda. He's doing Candide, tomorrow.
Is it tomorrow? says David. Oh well, I suppose I can wing it. What shall we do now?
Let's go and look at the lights down by the river, says Rosamunda.
......
They walk down North Terrace to Elder Park as the sky darkens.
Elder Park is full of people standing about, waiting, queuing for coffee, looking at screens.
The waterfall at the end of the curved footbridge flickers. A wicked face appears in the droplets.
Yellow beams play and cut through the fountain, and bounce off the bridge and distant buildings.
Parliament House is lit eerily. The roof of the Festival Theatre is alive with wriggling microbes.
From the bridge they see, tiny, glowing pink, grey and mysterious, the floating backside of an elephant.
But they fail to notice the speaking faces haunting the trees on the dark riverbank behind them.
This is so magical! says Rosamunda.
It is, says Katherine, But I'm dying for a coffee. David, shall we go to the bistro?
They head for the bistro, in the Festival Theatre, and order three coffees.
The order takes ages.
So long they are finally given a cake by way of an apology.
They are just tucking into the cake when:
Cake! says Arthur, appearing from the stairwell like a haunting.
Cake! says Pablo appearing as well.
Where did you get that from? asks Loretta.
I'll get us one, says Merle.
David, Katherine and Rosamunda are sitting on a drum eating Wagyu beef burgers at Gluttony.
Then it's time for the show, Homicidal Pacifist.
They enter the tent and sit down, with six others.
Does this mean it won't be that funny?
.........
Show over, David, Rosamunda and Katherine emerge from the tent.
That was passable, says David.
Quite funny in parts, says Katherine.
Is it funny to have a list of people you've thought about culling? asks Rosamunda.
Of course it is, says Katherine. If they are dreadful. It's also cathartic.
I suppose so, says Rosamunda.
All right, says David. Let's make our own list. Top of my list is: People who favour the death penalty.
Good one, David, says Katherine. You should be doing your own show.
He is, says Rosamunda. He's doing Candide, tomorrow.
Is it tomorrow? says David. Oh well, I suppose I can wing it. What shall we do now?
Let's go and look at the lights down by the river, says Rosamunda.
......
They walk down North Terrace to Elder Park as the sky darkens.
Elder Park is full of people standing about, waiting, queuing for coffee, looking at screens.
The waterfall at the end of the curved footbridge flickers. A wicked face appears in the droplets.
Yellow beams play and cut through the fountain, and bounce off the bridge and distant buildings.
Parliament House is lit eerily. The roof of the Festival Theatre is alive with wriggling microbes.
From the bridge they see, tiny, glowing pink, grey and mysterious, the floating backside of an elephant.
But they fail to notice the speaking faces haunting the trees on the dark riverbank behind them.
This is so magical! says Rosamunda.
It is, says Katherine, But I'm dying for a coffee. David, shall we go to the bistro?
They head for the bistro, in the Festival Theatre, and order three coffees.
The order takes ages.
So long they are finally given a cake by way of an apology.
They are just tucking into the cake when:
Cake! says Arthur, appearing from the stairwell like a haunting.
Cake! says Pablo appearing as well.
Where did you get that from? asks Loretta.
I'll get us one, says Merle.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
The Female Socrates
David comes in.
What are we up to? asks David.
We're skipping some of the more boring parts, says Rosamunda, looking sideways at the author.
But Vello is scanning his letter.
Perhaps you'd like to play Martin, the philosopher? asks Rosamunda.
I would, but I only popped in to pick up some tickets, says David. Perhaps Gaius. .....
I wouldn't feel comfortable playing a philosopher, says Gaius.
Don't be silly, says Ray. I don't feel comfortable playing a naive young man. But I do it. It's called acting.
Well said, Ray! says David. Naive you may be, but not young, certainly.
David, says Katherine. That was uncalled for. Ray is about to become Margaret's new tenant.
Yes, yes, says David. Naive is no longer the word. I'd forgotten.
I meant the crack about Ray's age, says Katherine. I'm sure Ray is still.......vigorous.
God's balls! cries Vello, having finally finished reading the letter. Denis Diderot is coming!
Oh yes, sorry, says David. I mislaid the letter.
You put it in a drawer! says Vello.
Did I? says David. Oh yes! I was looking for a knife.
Did you by any chance find one? asks Gaius.
I don't remember, says David.
Dear old Denis Diderot! cries Vello. And he's arriving tomorrow.
Lovely, says Katherine, Is he bringing his sister, Denise?
Denise Diderot? says Margaret, failing to keep a straight face.
It's not funny, Margaret, says Katherine. We women should not laugh at one another.
I wasn't, says Margaret. Is that really her name?
Yes, says Katherine. And she's extremely clever. Denis always used to call her the female Socrates.
Well, says Ray, Time to knock off here I reckon. Coming Margaret?
Yes, says Gaius. That'll do for today.
Funny, says Katherine, how they all melt away when the subject is women's cleverness.
I'm not melting away, mother, says David. At least I wouldn't be. But I have to go out. Where the hell are those tickets?
He opens another drawer. Then a cupboard. Then he opens a window.
Hurrah! A yellow and red Fringe-Tix envelope floats to the floor.
What it it you're going to? asks Vello.
David opens the envelope.
Stand-up, says David. The Homicidal Pacifist. Sameera Zehra. A clever woman no doubt. There, mother!
There mother? says Katherine. Am I going? Thank you. I'd love to. And I suppose you'll be buying me dinner?
David sighs.
There are times when you think that you've made a good point but you haven't.
And he had been planning to ask Rosamunda.
Why not say so?
Actually, I was thinking of asking Rosamunda, says David.
Oh David! I'd love to, says Rosamunda. But do you have enough tickets?
I suppose I can always get another one, mutters David.
What are we up to? asks David.
We're skipping some of the more boring parts, says Rosamunda, looking sideways at the author.
But Vello is scanning his letter.
Perhaps you'd like to play Martin, the philosopher? asks Rosamunda.
I would, but I only popped in to pick up some tickets, says David. Perhaps Gaius. .....
I wouldn't feel comfortable playing a philosopher, says Gaius.
Don't be silly, says Ray. I don't feel comfortable playing a naive young man. But I do it. It's called acting.
Well said, Ray! says David. Naive you may be, but not young, certainly.
David, says Katherine. That was uncalled for. Ray is about to become Margaret's new tenant.
Yes, yes, says David. Naive is no longer the word. I'd forgotten.
I meant the crack about Ray's age, says Katherine. I'm sure Ray is still.......vigorous.
God's balls! cries Vello, having finally finished reading the letter. Denis Diderot is coming!
Oh yes, sorry, says David. I mislaid the letter.
You put it in a drawer! says Vello.
Did I? says David. Oh yes! I was looking for a knife.
Did you by any chance find one? asks Gaius.
I don't remember, says David.
Dear old Denis Diderot! cries Vello. And he's arriving tomorrow.
Lovely, says Katherine, Is he bringing his sister, Denise?
Denise Diderot? says Margaret, failing to keep a straight face.
It's not funny, Margaret, says Katherine. We women should not laugh at one another.
I wasn't, says Margaret. Is that really her name?
Yes, says Katherine. And she's extremely clever. Denis always used to call her the female Socrates.
Well, says Ray, Time to knock off here I reckon. Coming Margaret?
Yes, says Gaius. That'll do for today.
Funny, says Katherine, how they all melt away when the subject is women's cleverness.
I'm not melting away, mother, says David. At least I wouldn't be. But I have to go out. Where the hell are those tickets?
He opens another drawer. Then a cupboard. Then he opens a window.
Hurrah! A yellow and red Fringe-Tix envelope floats to the floor.
What it it you're going to? asks Vello.
David opens the envelope.
Stand-up, says David. The Homicidal Pacifist. Sameera Zehra. A clever woman no doubt. There, mother!
There mother? says Katherine. Am I going? Thank you. I'd love to. And I suppose you'll be buying me dinner?
David sighs.
There are times when you think that you've made a good point but you haven't.
And he had been planning to ask Rosamunda.
Why not say so?
Actually, I was thinking of asking Rosamunda, says David.
Oh David! I'd love to, says Rosamunda. But do you have enough tickets?
I suppose I can always get another one, mutters David.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Something Is Happening But You Don't Know What It Is
The ladies in cotton hats don't mind that Pablo is not the writer they took him for.
He's a poet. And the other one, with him, also looks somehow familiar.
We're about to go down to the Pioneer Women's Memorial Gardens, says the one in the high cotton hat. Will you come with us?
Is there food there? asks Arthur.
We have sandwiches, don't we, Loretta, says the high one.
Yes, Merle, says a shorter lady, in a low cotton hat.
Arthur and Pablo are hungry, so they follow the ladies down King William Street to the Pioneer Women's Memorial Gardens where they sit under an oak tree eating tuna, mayo and bean sprout sandwiches.
Now, says Loretta, you must give us a poem.
Pablo gives them Hot Woman Fleshly Apple.
The ladies love Hot Woman Fleshly Apple. They think they have scored a great coup.
..........
Sweezus, having lost Terence, has found him again near the water spouts.
I'm swimming, says Terence.
That's not swimming, says Sweezus.
Why are you in such a bad mood? asks Terence.
Because I'm not used to responsibility, says Sweezus. And ......
And....? says Terence.
Easter's coming, says Sweezus. I always get shitty at Easter.
Do I? asks Terence.
How do I know? Do you know why I do? asks Sweezus.
No, says Terence.
Keep it that way, says Sweezus.
He sits down grumpily while Terence returns to the water spouts.
.........
It's much easier without Terence, says Rosamunda.
I do feel guilty, says Katherine.
No need, says Vello. Sweezus just got the wrong end of the stick.
Speaking of which, says Gaius. Is there a pencil sharpener in this office?
Pencil sharpener, says Vello. Let me think. No. But I may have a knife.
This reminds Gaius of Arthur.
Has Arthur been by, lately? asks Gaius.
He was here the other day, says Ray. So what? Let's get on with the rehearsal.
Right, says Rosamunda. Ray, in this scene you and Gaius travel to Eldorado.
Are we only up to there? asks Vello. You do know the actual performance is imminent?
What? says Rosamunda. How imminent?
This weekend, says Vello. In the Flabbergast.
That's a miniscule tent, isn't it? sniffs Margaret.
No need to be snooty, says Vello. You take what you get. One year we performed it on bicycles.
What about that knife? says Gaius.
Knife? says Vello. Oh yes, I'll start looking.
He opens a drawer. No knife. He draws out an old fashioned letter.
It's written in sepia ink with a feather.
So that's where he put it! cries Vello.
He's a poet. And the other one, with him, also looks somehow familiar.
We're about to go down to the Pioneer Women's Memorial Gardens, says the one in the high cotton hat. Will you come with us?
Is there food there? asks Arthur.
We have sandwiches, don't we, Loretta, says the high one.
Yes, Merle, says a shorter lady, in a low cotton hat.
Arthur and Pablo are hungry, so they follow the ladies down King William Street to the Pioneer Women's Memorial Gardens where they sit under an oak tree eating tuna, mayo and bean sprout sandwiches.
Now, says Loretta, you must give us a poem.
Pablo gives them Hot Woman Fleshly Apple.
The ladies love Hot Woman Fleshly Apple. They think they have scored a great coup.
..........
Sweezus, having lost Terence, has found him again near the water spouts.
I'm swimming, says Terence.
That's not swimming, says Sweezus.
Why are you in such a bad mood? asks Terence.
Because I'm not used to responsibility, says Sweezus. And ......
And....? says Terence.
Easter's coming, says Sweezus. I always get shitty at Easter.
Do I? asks Terence.
How do I know? Do you know why I do? asks Sweezus.
No, says Terence.
Keep it that way, says Sweezus.
He sits down grumpily while Terence returns to the water spouts.
.........
It's much easier without Terence, says Rosamunda.
I do feel guilty, says Katherine.
No need, says Vello. Sweezus just got the wrong end of the stick.
Speaking of which, says Gaius. Is there a pencil sharpener in this office?
Pencil sharpener, says Vello. Let me think. No. But I may have a knife.
This reminds Gaius of Arthur.
Has Arthur been by, lately? asks Gaius.
He was here the other day, says Ray. So what? Let's get on with the rehearsal.
Right, says Rosamunda. Ray, in this scene you and Gaius travel to Eldorado.
Are we only up to there? asks Vello. You do know the actual performance is imminent?
What? says Rosamunda. How imminent?
This weekend, says Vello. In the Flabbergast.
That's a miniscule tent, isn't it? sniffs Margaret.
No need to be snooty, says Vello. You take what you get. One year we performed it on bicycles.
What about that knife? says Gaius.
Knife? says Vello. Oh yes, I'll start looking.
He opens a drawer. No knife. He draws out an old fashioned letter.
It's written in sepia ink with a feather.
So that's where he put it! cries Vello.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Several References To Cannibals
Terence has run round the outside of the maze to the entrance, where Sweezus is lounging against the high hedge.
Here he is! says the girl with the green dress and red lipstick. Your little one.
Terence stops short in front of Sweezus.
How did you get out? asks Terence.
Charm, says Sweezus.
The girl with red lipstick frowns.
I could've got eaten, says Terence.
Sweezus and Terence walk back to the table where Arthur and Pablo are sitting.
Arthur is drinking something straight from a bottle while Pablo recites something loudly:
......your hands, the colour of a savage harvest,
I hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.....
Eat his skin now! says Terence.
It's not about eating, says Arthur. How was the Dot Maze?
Not about fun, says Terence. When can we go back to the rehearsal?
You're not going back, says Sweezus.
They sit on white plastic chairs under the black umbrella, and order more drinks.
Several ladies in cotton hats appear to be staring at Pablo
I'm not going back either, says Arthur. I hear Gaius is playing Cacambo.
Yeah he is, says Sweezus. So what?
Gaius and Ray nearly get eaten by Oreillons, says Terence. Until they say they're not Jesuits. And Gaius's got sword pencils. We're allowed to use them. One of them's red.
Not tempting, says Arthur.
Pablo sniggers.
He found them in the ocean, says Terence. He was chasing a Lead Pencil Shark with red gums.
He was in Victoria, says Sweezus.
Without me? says Arthur. Who did he go with?
No one, says Sweezus.
Arthur takes another swig from the bottle.
Maybe I'll take a look in, says Arthur. Tomorrow.
I'll come with you, says Pablo.
Sweezus finishes his drink and goes over to buy another.
One of the ladies in cotton hats comes over to speak to Pablo.
We couldn't help overhearing, says the lady. You mentioned Savage Harvest. Are you that writer?
Pablo isn't certain if he is that writer.
He frowns.
The one who wrote the book about cannibalism? says the lady.
It's not him, says Arthur.
Here he is! says the girl with the green dress and red lipstick. Your little one.
Terence stops short in front of Sweezus.
How did you get out? asks Terence.
Charm, says Sweezus.
The girl with red lipstick frowns.
I could've got eaten, says Terence.
Sweezus and Terence walk back to the table where Arthur and Pablo are sitting.
Arthur is drinking something straight from a bottle while Pablo recites something loudly:
......your hands, the colour of a savage harvest,
I hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.....
Eat his skin now! says Terence.
It's not about eating, says Arthur. How was the Dot Maze?
Not about fun, says Terence. When can we go back to the rehearsal?
You're not going back, says Sweezus.
They sit on white plastic chairs under the black umbrella, and order more drinks.
Several ladies in cotton hats appear to be staring at Pablo
I'm not going back either, says Arthur. I hear Gaius is playing Cacambo.
Yeah he is, says Sweezus. So what?
Gaius and Ray nearly get eaten by Oreillons, says Terence. Until they say they're not Jesuits. And Gaius's got sword pencils. We're allowed to use them. One of them's red.
Not tempting, says Arthur.
Pablo sniggers.
He found them in the ocean, says Terence. He was chasing a Lead Pencil Shark with red gums.
He was in Victoria, says Sweezus.
Without me? says Arthur. Who did he go with?
No one, says Sweezus.
Arthur takes another swig from the bottle.
Maybe I'll take a look in, says Arthur. Tomorrow.
I'll come with you, says Pablo.
Sweezus finishes his drink and goes over to buy another.
One of the ladies in cotton hats comes over to speak to Pablo.
We couldn't help overhearing, says the lady. You mentioned Savage Harvest. Are you that writer?
Pablo isn't certain if he is that writer.
He frowns.
The one who wrote the book about cannibalism? says the lady.
It's not him, says Arthur.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Fig-Tree And Undelightful Rossetti
A young woman in a green dress and red lipstick stands at the entrance.
Welcome to the Maze, she says. It's like Alice in Wonderland. You must find your way through. You can't come back out this way. And it's best if you try to make friends.
Sweezus and Terence enter the Maze between high green hedges. Should they turn left or right?
Which way? says Sweezus. You choose.
Terence can hear roaring.
He hares off to the right.
Sweezus turns left.
.......
Waah! Terence has run round a corner and bumped into a teapot.
The tea pot is made of green hedge-like material. It shuffles and bows.
Terence ducks round another corner and peers back at the teapot, which is now interacting with a family, pouring tea from its spout into a paper cup held by the mother.
Terence sits down on a box.
Two little girls in summer dresses approach him gingerly.
Are you a character? asks the first one.
Doctor Pangloss, says Terence. Don't be fooled by these shorts. Are YOU a character?
The first little girl seems delighted with his answer. She comes up with one equally delightful.
Yes, I am a character. My name is Fig-Tree Rossetti.
But her less delightful little sister favours the truth above all things.
She ISN'T, says the undelightful sister. And I'M not. Can you show us the way out please?
Undelightful Rossetti is polite as well as truthful.
Terence feels there is safety in numbers. He can hear the terrible roaring getting nearer.
Follow me, guys, says Terence.
Terence marches boldly back past the teapot followed by Fig-Tree and Undelightful Rossetti, in their light summer dresses.
Doctor Pangloss...? says Undelightful Rossetti.
What? answers Doctor Pangloss.
Nuffing, says Undelightful Rossetti.
She is beginning to feel a bit scared.
There is a garden shed at the end of an alley. The wooden door opens. The head of a gardener pops out, then the whole gardener. He beckons to Terence and the little girls who may not be characters,
Terence is bold now. A bold Doctor Pangloss, who thinks that all is for the best in the best of all possible mazes.
Come on! says Terence. Let's go in.
The little girls follow Terence into the garden shed where the gardener is waiting.
The gardener says nothing. He closes the door.
It's dark in the shed. It smells of dead flowers.
Anything could happen.
.......
Ages later, or so it seems to Terence, and Fig-Tree and Undelightful Rossetti, the horrible gardener relents. He lifts the back wall of the shed and points in the direction of the terrible roaring.
The children creep down the alley.
Raoouurr!
Round a corner of the hedge is a barred window behind which a Minotaur rattles and rants in scary Minotaur language.
Fig-Tree Rossetti approaches the Minotaur.
Will you show us how to get out? asks Fig-Tree Rossetti.
Raoouurr!
Undelightful Rossetti now has an idea, a good one. She offers the Minotaur a dead flower.
The Minotaur stops roaring, looks at dead flower, takes it in an actorly fashion, and points out the exit.
The little girls head for the exit.
Terence has found it already.
Welcome to the Maze, she says. It's like Alice in Wonderland. You must find your way through. You can't come back out this way. And it's best if you try to make friends.
Sweezus and Terence enter the Maze between high green hedges. Should they turn left or right?
Which way? says Sweezus. You choose.
Terence can hear roaring.
He hares off to the right.
Sweezus turns left.
.......
Waah! Terence has run round a corner and bumped into a teapot.
The tea pot is made of green hedge-like material. It shuffles and bows.
Terence ducks round another corner and peers back at the teapot, which is now interacting with a family, pouring tea from its spout into a paper cup held by the mother.
Terence sits down on a box.
Two little girls in summer dresses approach him gingerly.
Are you a character? asks the first one.
Doctor Pangloss, says Terence. Don't be fooled by these shorts. Are YOU a character?
The first little girl seems delighted with his answer. She comes up with one equally delightful.
Yes, I am a character. My name is Fig-Tree Rossetti.
But her less delightful little sister favours the truth above all things.
She ISN'T, says the undelightful sister. And I'M not. Can you show us the way out please?
Undelightful Rossetti is polite as well as truthful.
Terence feels there is safety in numbers. He can hear the terrible roaring getting nearer.
Follow me, guys, says Terence.
Terence marches boldly back past the teapot followed by Fig-Tree and Undelightful Rossetti, in their light summer dresses.
Doctor Pangloss...? says Undelightful Rossetti.
What? answers Doctor Pangloss.
Nuffing, says Undelightful Rossetti.
She is beginning to feel a bit scared.
There is a garden shed at the end of an alley. The wooden door opens. The head of a gardener pops out, then the whole gardener. He beckons to Terence and the little girls who may not be characters,
Terence is bold now. A bold Doctor Pangloss, who thinks that all is for the best in the best of all possible mazes.
Come on! says Terence. Let's go in.
The little girls follow Terence into the garden shed where the gardener is waiting.
The gardener says nothing. He closes the door.
It's dark in the shed. It smells of dead flowers.
Anything could happen.
.......
Ages later, or so it seems to Terence, and Fig-Tree and Undelightful Rossetti, the horrible gardener relents. He lifts the back wall of the shed and points in the direction of the terrible roaring.
The children creep down the alley.
Raoouurr!
Round a corner of the hedge is a barred window behind which a Minotaur rattles and rants in scary Minotaur language.
Fig-Tree Rossetti approaches the Minotaur.
Will you show us how to get out? asks Fig-Tree Rossetti.
Raoouurr!
Undelightful Rossetti now has an idea, a good one. She offers the Minotaur a dead flower.
The Minotaur stops roaring, looks at dead flower, takes it in an actorly fashion, and points out the exit.
The little girls head for the exit.
Terence has found it already.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
A Tale Of Three Mothers
Terence makes an unconvincing lady.
He stamps around the office dragging his feathered shorts behind him.
Every two steps, he stops and twitches his bottom.
Give me those shorts, says Katherine. Seeing you've got them off, I'm going to wash them.
Terence skips away from her grasping fingers.
The door opens. In comes Sweezus.
Everyone freezes.
.....
Five minutes later, Sweezus is walking down Waymouth Street with Terence, who again has his shorts on.
Am I in trouble? asks Terence.
No, says Sweezus. It's my fault. I should have been there.
Yes! says Terence. You should have. We only had me.
I thought you were playing Doctor Pangloss, says Sweezus.
Dead, says Terence, gloomily. He's the world's most BORING-EST otter!
He's not an otter, says Sweezus.
That's how I play him, says Terence. It's much funner. Or it WAS.
Sweezus grabs Terence by the arm and heads for Victoria Square.
Where are we going? asks Terence.
Somewhere more suited to your age group, says Sweezus. You'll like this, I promise.
Soon they are at the entrance to the Royal Croquet Club.
Are we going to a SHOW? asks Terence, looking around at the tents, and the rows of flags flapping.
Kind of, says Sweezus, scanning the outdoor settings.
Cool! There they are. Arthur and Pablo. Sitting under a black umbrella, at a table full of empty bottles and glasses, watching young families attempt to play croquet with mallets.
Dudes! says Sweezus. You're here already. Look after Terence for a second.
He makes off, in the direction of the Box Office.
Arthur! says Terence. Guess what? I had to get taken away from the rehearsal.
Why was that? asks Arthur.
They made me take off my pants, says Terence. It's not acceptable.
Who did? asks Arthur, to whom this story does not quite ring true.
Everyone, says Terence. Katherine. She said she was going to wash them.
That's unacceptable? says Pablo. But it seems to me you should have been happy to have a nice woman like Katherine offering to do you a motherly service.
Yes, but.... NO! says Terence. She chased me! I ran away. I ran into Sweezus. He said it was.....
Terence's voice trails away.
What? asks Arthur.
Motherly plop, mutters Terence.
Sweezus said that? says Arthur.
No, he said it was ex....explositive, says Terence.
You miss your mother, says Pablo. I too miss my mother. She died. Then I had another one. She was kind. Then she died. I miss her too.
I never had one, says Terence. Only a Virgin. She was rubbish.
Sweezus returns with two tickets to Dot Maze.
Thanks guys, says Sweezus. Let's hang out later. I'm just taking Terence to Get Lost at Dot Maze.
Terence looks frightened.
Sweezus leads him away.
He stamps around the office dragging his feathered shorts behind him.
Every two steps, he stops and twitches his bottom.
Give me those shorts, says Katherine. Seeing you've got them off, I'm going to wash them.
Terence skips away from her grasping fingers.
The door opens. In comes Sweezus.
Everyone freezes.
.....
Five minutes later, Sweezus is walking down Waymouth Street with Terence, who again has his shorts on.
Am I in trouble? asks Terence.
No, says Sweezus. It's my fault. I should have been there.
Yes! says Terence. You should have. We only had me.
I thought you were playing Doctor Pangloss, says Sweezus.
Dead, says Terence, gloomily. He's the world's most BORING-EST otter!
He's not an otter, says Sweezus.
That's how I play him, says Terence. It's much funner. Or it WAS.
Sweezus grabs Terence by the arm and heads for Victoria Square.
Where are we going? asks Terence.
Somewhere more suited to your age group, says Sweezus. You'll like this, I promise.
Soon they are at the entrance to the Royal Croquet Club.
Are we going to a SHOW? asks Terence, looking around at the tents, and the rows of flags flapping.
Kind of, says Sweezus, scanning the outdoor settings.
Cool! There they are. Arthur and Pablo. Sitting under a black umbrella, at a table full of empty bottles and glasses, watching young families attempt to play croquet with mallets.
Dudes! says Sweezus. You're here already. Look after Terence for a second.
He makes off, in the direction of the Box Office.
Arthur! says Terence. Guess what? I had to get taken away from the rehearsal.
Why was that? asks Arthur.
They made me take off my pants, says Terence. It's not acceptable.
Who did? asks Arthur, to whom this story does not quite ring true.
Everyone, says Terence. Katherine. She said she was going to wash them.
That's unacceptable? says Pablo. But it seems to me you should have been happy to have a nice woman like Katherine offering to do you a motherly service.
Yes, but.... NO! says Terence. She chased me! I ran away. I ran into Sweezus. He said it was.....
Terence's voice trails away.
What? asks Arthur.
Motherly plop, mutters Terence.
Sweezus said that? says Arthur.
No, he said it was ex....explositive, says Terence.
You miss your mother, says Pablo. I too miss my mother. She died. Then I had another one. She was kind. Then she died. I miss her too.
I never had one, says Terence. Only a Virgin. She was rubbish.
Sweezus returns with two tickets to Dot Maze.
Thanks guys, says Sweezus. Let's hang out later. I'm just taking Terence to Get Lost at Dot Maze.
Terence looks frightened.
Sweezus leads him away.
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