Astonishing Perspicacity

Sweezus, says Vello, meet Denis Diderot. Denis, meet Sweezus, one of our up and coming young writers.

Cool, says Sweezus. I mean yeah, hi Denis.

No need to be formal, says Denis.

Why don't you two go out for a coffee, says David. Get to know one another. Chat about bicycles, I hear Denis is an expert on pedals.

I don't know where that comes from, says Denis. And we've just had a nice cup of tea and nutty biscuits. I don't need a coffee.

Go, Denis, says his sister. It's not every day you get a chance to have a chat with a modern young hipster.

True, Denise, says Denis. All right then, Sweezus. Will we be bringing the baby?

No, Terence can stay here, says David. You'd like that, wouldn't you Terence?

Yes , says Terence, eyeing his costume, which has been shoved carelessly into a corner.

Okay, says Sweezus, Terence can stay. But NO ACTING.

.........

Right, says Rosamunda, when Sweezus and Denis have left. Terence, you're Doctor Pangloss.

Yippee! says Terence.

What about NO ACTING? says Gaius.

I'm not ACTING, says Terence. I'm Doctor Pangloss. He's dead.

No he isn't, says Rosamunda. He's been whipped, hanged and dissected, sewn up again and sold as a galley slave with Cunégonde's brother.

The brother's dead too, says Terence. Killed by a pencil.

No he isn't, says Vello. He was sewn up again by an apothecary.

What a ridiculous story, says Denise Diderot. Vello, what were you thinking? People don't come back to life. They couldn't have been dead in the first place.

Denise, says Katherine. Why don't we go out and have a look at some nice exhibitions? And have a lovely lunch after.

I'd like that Katherine, says Denise. I can't watch this play another minute.

.......

At last both the Diderots and Sweezus have been got rid of.

Terence disappears up the sleeve of his costume.

Ray comes in looking tired.

All is for the best! says the costume.

Is it? says Ray.

.......

I hate playing Cunégonde, says Belle et Bonne.

But you must have played her before, says Rosamunda.

I know, it's just at the end when Candide finds her and she's become ugly, eyes bloodshot, cheeks wrinkled, arms red and scaly, says Belle et Bonne.

Yes it sucks, says Rosamunda. Perhaps this time you can stay pretty, and he can get ugly. Would it make that much difference?

No, it wouldn't, says Belle et Bonne. They'd still get married, buy a farm, and work in their garden.

Let's do it, says Rosamunda. Where's that red pencil?

.......

They are all heads down looking for the red pencil when Arthur comes in.

Arthur! says Gaius. I've been hoping to see you, ever since I returned from Victoria.

Really, says Arthur.

I would have taken you with me, says Gaius.

I know, says Arthur. Pity. Bet you forgot to pack something essential. Like a knife. Or some pencils.

Astonishing! says Gaius. That's exactly what happened. How you know these things, I'll never.....

Here it is! cries Rosamunda. But damn! It's broken.

Use this, says Arthur, producing ( I would like to say, a pencil sharpener, but alas, he produces ) a cheese knife.