Don't Attack Me

Arthur's mouth is dry.

But he can't help asking the question.

How come you know so much about pasties?

I'm a turnip, the turnip replies.

You grew in the dirt, says Arthur. You started off there, and stayed there until I pulled you out.

What are you implying? asks the turnip.

If I grew up that way, says Arthur, I'd know nothing about pasties.

How did you grow up? asks the turnip?

Went to school. Got smacked about a bit. Learned my Latin, says Arthur.

Woah? Latin? says the turnip. Tell me a phrase.

Nemo me impune lacessit, says Arthur.

I like it, says the turnip. What does it mean?

No one attacks me with impunity, says Arthur.

You should have that as your motto, says the turnip.

If you have a knife, you don't need a motto, says Arthur.

If I'd had a knife, says the turnip, I'd still be in the pot with my fellow turnips.

And I'd have a slashed hand, says Arthur.

Yes, says the turnip. We are of like minds.

Arthur isn't sure he wants to be of like mind with a turnip.

Vello appears in the distance, with Saint Roley.

He cycles up to Arthur and stops.

I hear you need water, says Vello. Here, have some of mine.

He hands Arthur his aluminium water bottle.

Arthur sucks at the top.

Curses! says Vello. Now it's contaminated. I should have tipped some out into your bottle.

I'm not infected, says Arthur.

How do you know? asks Vello. You vomited. I see it on the grass. Looks like you slipped in it too. Are you dizzy?

I'm okay, says Arthur. It was the pasty.

Are you sure? asks Vello. I wouldn't want to spread germs in the office.

Ask the turnip, says Arthur.

As if one could ask a turnip, says Vello.

One could, says Saint Roley, but it only provides second hand information.

Meaning? asks Vello.

I'm the one who knew about the effects of eating a cheese and spinach pasty, says Saint Roley.

I beg to differ, says the turnip. I knew about them before I emerged from the pot.

No way, says Saint Roley.

And I also know Latin, says the turnip. Don't attack me.

Arthur, who is still drinking Vello's water, does not intervene.