Circle Of Life

At Hobart Airport.

First job, look for a lunch box, before going through security.

That means not everyone can go through at once.

I'll go through with Arthur, says Katherine. You two wait here with the lobsters.

She extracts Dufresne from her hand bag and hands him to David.

David and Gaius sit on a seat with Dufresne and Baudin.

A few people stare.

Expensive lunch!

Arthur and Katherine go though security and look for a shop that might sell them a lunch box.

What about this one? says Katherine. The Australian Way. 

You go, says Arthur. I'll head to the food court.

The Australian Way is full of souvenir gifts at inflated prices.

Any lunch boxes? asks Katherine, at the counter.

We have these Bluey ones for kiddies, says the sales assistant. Thirty dollars. PBA free.

Hmm, says Katherine. It's for a lobster.

Whole or cut up? asks the sales assistant.

Whole, says Katherine. In fact there are two of them.  

Then you'll require two, says the sales assistant.

Any air holes? asks Katherine.

They're alive? says the sales assistant.

Yes, says Katherine. They're with me and my party. One of the lobsters is a bit of a sexual predator, so we thought, why not put him in a lunch box?

What about the other one? asks the sales assistant.

Perfect manners, says Katherine. You may have heard of him. Captain Baudin.

I have, says the sales assistant. I didn't realise he was a lobster.

Not everyone does, says Katherine. 

In the circumstances, says the sales assistant, I'll forego a sale and direct you to the Circle of Life over there. They do wonderful doughnuts, which come in a container with air holes when you buy a dozen. And you get to eat the doughnuts.

What a superb idea, says Katherine. Thank you for your help. I feel I ought to buy something. What about this lovely silk scarf?

It's one hundred and fifty dollars, says the sales assistant. Hand painted.

Done, says Katherine. Wrap it up for me.

She walks out of the store and straight into Arthur who is carrying a large container of doughnuts, in a container with adequate air holes.

Large Hands

The next morning, they all meet at reception.

Arthur is a pale shade of green.

Are you all right dear? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Arthur. I pulled an all-nighter. I'll sleep on the plane.

We too, says Captain Baudin. 

We? says Gaius. Is Dufresne coming with us?

Don't worry, says Captain Baudin. He and I will be happy in a lunch box.

Very wise, says Gaius. Do we have a lunch box?

Everyone thinks.

Perhaps they can get one at the airport. Airports have shops.

Gaius calls a taxi, and they head for the airport.

Arthur is wedged in between Gaius and David, in the back seat of the taxi.

The two lobsters rest longways in the groove between Arthur's legs. 

Baudin closest to Arthur, on his shorts, and Dufresne on the bare skin above Arthur's knee.

Did you know your scab's been knocked off? asks Dufresne.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Need a tissue? asks Katherine, looking round from the front passenger seat.

No, says Arthur.

Yes, says the taxi driver. No bleeding in my taxi.

Katherine hands Arthur a tissue.

I can't do much with it, says Arthur. Dufresne's in the way.

Hand him to me, says David. 

Are you sure? asks Katherine.

It won't be for long, says David. I'll open a window.

But of course, he can't open a window. The taxi driver won't let him.

He can come to me, says Gaius. Just let me find somewhere for my notebooks.

He starts trying to twist out of his back pack, to put his notebooks away.

No wonder it's a squeeze, says David. Why are you wearing your back pack in the taxi?

Thoughtless of me, I know, says Gaius. Perhaps you might hold my notebooks, then Dufresne can ease over...

Eventually it gets to the point where Dufresne can ease over.

Arthur dabs at the blood oozing out of his knee.

World's rarest fish, says David, glancing at Gaius's notes. This is interesting.

Indeed, says Gaius. If we weren't on our way to New Zealand I would follow it up. A new colony of red handfish has been discovered at an undisclosed site, off south east Tasmania. Until recently there was thought to be only one remaining colony of about twenty to forty.

Just goes to show, says David. Is this what they look like? 

Gaius has attempted a sketch in his notebook.

Yes, says Gaius. They walk on the sea floor instead of swimming, which explains the large hands they exhibit.

May I see? asks Baudin, who is still on Arthur's lap.

And me? says Dufresne, moving back over to Arthur.

Of course, but I'm not having two lobsters sit on me at once, says David. Can you swap places?

Stop annoying poor Arthur, says Katherine. Hand Dufresne to me.

Dufresne is elated, to think he'll be on Katherine's lap.

He is hoisted across to the front of the taxi, but soon disappointed, when she forces him into her handbag.

Remembrance Of Things Past

Arthur is at Twisted Lime, tossing back shots of green liquid.

He has made a few friends. His night is sorted.

....

Katherine is back in her room at the Salamanca Wharf Hotel.

She locks the door before getting into her pjs.

She lies down on her bed. Takes her new book out.

How Proust Can Change Your Life.

But uh! Those spicy pork and beef sausages. 

She will have a bad night.

....

Gaius and David have tossed for the double bed and David has won it.

He gets in, in his underwear.

Gaius gets into the single, in his.

Gaius falls asleep at once, and dreams he is riding a bicycle somewhere in France.

David lies awake thinking of a wet windy island with no facilities.

....

The three lobsters are on Constitution Dock, next to a bollard.

Pink moon tonight, observes Captain Baudin.

It's not really pink, says Dufresne.

It's named after the flesh of a lobster, says Louttit.

Which isn't pink either, says Dufresne.

It does have a true name, says Baudin. Let me try and remember.

They are silent while he tries to remember.

The only sounds are of minimal traffic somewhere behind them, and clanking riggings, on the water.

Perigee-syzygy! says Baudin. 

That's it! says Dufresne. But who was he?

An Arabian lobster, I believe, says Baudin.

It's good he remembered.

More To Us Than Feet

The dinner is over.

The bill has been paid. 

They are standing outside Methezes, saying goodbye to Lisa.

Goodbye, guys, says Lisa. Thanks for dinner. Coming, Louttit?

Louttit burps. The air is redolent with mussels.

No, says Louttit. We lobsters are partying on.

Okay, says Lisa. See you in the lab in the morning.

Louttit burps again.

Where are you going? asks Gaius. A night club?

Back to our room, says Louttit. 

Good, says Arthur. Because I'm going to a nightclub, and I don't want to cross paths with you.

Yes, says Katherine, that's understandable. And let's just be clear. My room is not available for parties

But mother, says David, we are three men in a three person room. Whereas you have a room to yourself, with plenty of room for a lobster.

Yes, if it was just one lobster, says Katherine. And if that lobster was Captain Baudin. 

Madame, says Captain Baudin, I am flattered.

And we are insulted, says Dufresne.

Who was it grabbed the skirt of the flight attendant? asks Katherine. Who wanted to sit on my lap in the taxi?

Ha ha! laughs Louttit. Did he sit on it?

No he didn't, snaps Katherine. And you think it's funny. By the way, you have gastric reflux.

Do I? asks Louttit. How do you know?

The air smells of mussels every time you open your mouth, says Katherine.

Then he's not sleeping with us, says David.

Where do you normally sleep, Louttit? asks Gaius.

Hup! says Louttit.

There are no sea urchins here to say different.

Not that anyone knows what Hup means.

Constitution Dock, probably, says Baudin. Am I right, Louttit?

Hup! says Louttit.

We'll spend the night there, says Baudin. Watching the stars and the vessels. Hearing the clanking of riggings.

That sounds rather pleasant, says David. If it were not so chilly.

What about those Pinnacle System socks I bought you? says Katherine.

There is more to me than feet, says David.

That's one way of putting it, says Katherine.

The lobsters head for the dock.

Arthur has already departed.

Gaius, Katherine and David walk back to the Salamanca Wharf Hotel, in that pleasant state, after a rich dinner, before indigestion kicks in.

Lethe-Sauce

Did one of those mussels just speak? asks Louttit.

I don't think so, says Dufresne.

It did, says Baudin. It asked what a swoon is.

Seems unlikely, says Louttit.

Ahem, says the spokes-mussel. I did ask what a swoon is, on behalf of us all.

And why do you all want to know what a swoon is? asks Dufresne. Are you thinking of falling into one, before we consume you?

That is the question, says the spokes-mussel. You fell into one before being eaten. Would you say it was better?

Than what? asks Dufresne.

Not being eaten at all, laughs Louttit.

Shut up, Louttit, says Baudin. It's worth understanding their perspective.

Not better than not being eaten at all, says the spokes-mussel. We all agree that is the best scenario. But we are here on a plate, so our options are limited.

So, swoon better, swoon worse? says Dufresne. Let me consider.

You haven't explained what it is, says Baudin.

No you haven't, says the spokes-mussel. Is it some type of sauce?

Ha ha! Lethe-sauce, laughs Louttit.

Shut UP! Louttit, says Baudin.

But the rest of the mussels are laughing as well. Lethe-sauce! That's pretty funny.

Can you order us a side serve of Lethe-sauce? asks a cheeky one.

It's too late now, says Dufresne. But good try.

Dufresne, Louttit and Baudin eat the mussels, one after another. 

The mussels slide down sweetly.

Some pretend they are sliding down a slide in a children's playground. Plop.  

Some imagine they have been dipped in Lethe-sauce.

One or two lucky ones swoon naturally.

Sometimes the best things just happen.  

They Swim With Pencils On String

Oh yes, says Lisa, local extinction. It's called extirpation.

No more tropical fish, says Katherine. Tragic.

There will still be tropical fish, says Lisa.

But they won't be tropical, says David.

They have ordered more beer.

The ones I'm dealing with at work, says Lisa, are in training.

To do what? asks Gaius. 

To get used to cold water, says Lisa. The idea is to release them and see where they go.

Towards Sydney, I imagine, says Gaius.

Arthur bites down on a garlicky prawn.

Yes, says Lisa, towards Sydney. And at some point they will meet up with the extirpations.

Should you call them that? asks Katherine.

No I shouldn't, says Lisa. It's shock tactics. To keep them going.

You don't mean to say you TALK to your tropical fish? says David.

He fiddles with the tentacles of his Oktapodi. Puts it down. Spears a lemon roasted potato.

They have little notebooks, says Lisa. And when they see a tropical fish swimming towards them they note down its position.

She drains her glass of retsina.

Did I mention she has switched to retsina? 

Notebooks, says Gaius. Waterproof, I imagine. And how do they cope with the pencils?

String, says Lisa.

Everyone is laughing at this point.

Except for the lobsters who haven't been listening, 

They are engrossed in their talk of death by being eaten.

The discussion has widened, since their share plate of Tasmanian mussels arrived.

The mussels have heard Dufresne explaining that he may have fallen into a swoon beforehand, which may explain why he doesn't remember what happened, until he woke up almost entirely eaten by Maoris.

The mussels have become alarmed. 

One of them speaks for the whole plate of them by asking:

What is a swoon? 

Warm And Wet

Lisa orders the Spanakopita. She says she has had it before.

Arthur orders the Garides (grilled prawns with garlic and lemon).

The lobsters order a large plate of prime Tasmanian mussels, to share.

Good choice, beams the waiter.

While they wait for the food to arrive they order another round of beer.

So, says Lisa, when are you off to New Zealand?

Tomorrow, says David. Am I right?

He looks at Arthur.

Tomorrow, says Arthur. 

And where are you proposing to look for the kakapo? asks Lisa.

On a little island called Te Hauturu-o-Toi, says Katherine. It means Resting Place of the Wind.

Do you suppose that means it's very windy? asks Lisa. 

No, says Katherine. I'm hoping it means that it isn't.

So am I, says David. Wind makes my nose run.

I believe Hauturu-o-Toi has a warm wet climate, says Gaius. 

Wet? says David. 

Don't fuss, David, says Katherine. 

I'm sure it will be lovely, says Lisa. Looking forward to it, Arthur? 

Arthur is organising our permits, says Gaius. 

This reminds Arthur that he's supposed to be organising the permits.

Yes, says Arthur. I am. 

And what about you Lisa? asks Gaius. I heard you're in charge of the tropical fish at the CSIRO?

Yes, says Lisa. Due to warming waters, tropical systems are now too hot for some species, and tropical fish are moving down south to subtropical waters.

Surely not to Tasmania? says David.

Not yet, says Lisa. But as far south as Sydney. 

So what do you do? asks Katherine.

Similar to what Louttit was doing with the sea urchins, says Lisa.

What's that? says Louttit, looking up.

Well, not exactly, says Lisa. I don't eat them. 

Louttit goes back to discussing what he has been discussing with Baudin and Dufresne.

The question of what it feels like to be eaten.

Dufresne has the advantage of once having been eaten by Maoris. 

It was a long time ago and he has only the vaguest of memories.

But it was unpleasant.

Only Eighteen Are Edible

Are they cooked? asks Katherine.

Everyone is inspecting the gonads.

I don't think so, says Gaius, sniffing. They smell very fresh.

Interesting thing to have on the menu, says David. 

Do we pick them out with our fingers? asks Katherine. 

Perhaps a toothpick? says David. I'll ask the waiter.

He holds up his hand.

But the waiter is busy, delivering food to guests at other tables.

Lisa arrives. Sorry I'm late. A last minute panic in the marine lab.

She sits down. 

You must be Lisa, says Katherine. We were just discussing how best to eat these.

Lisa looks at the plate of sea urchins, their gonads on golden display.

Then at Louttit.

Louttit pretends to be talking to Dufresne.

What? says Dufresne. I didn't hear you.

Louttit, says Lisa. Why do these sea urchins look familiar?

Ha ha! laughs David. Don't they all look alike?

No, says Lisa. There are nine hundred and fifty species of sea urchins and only eighteen are edible. 

That puts these in perspective, says Katherine.

Louttit, says Lisa, please tell me these sea urchins aren't from our lab?

I can't, says Louttit. But I can tell you that every one of these sea urchins chose to be here.

I don't believe that, says Lisa. 

They chose to be removed from the tank, says Louttit.

That's different, says Lisa.

Well, they're here now, says Gaius. Shall we tuck in?

Lisa has one of those moments we all have, when we decide to capitulate.

We see the point of not pursuing something to an unpleasant conclusion.

Yes, let's, says Lisa. I believe they have a sweet ocean flavour of iron, zinc and seaweed, and a nice creamy texture.

You've sold me, says David.

Me too, says Katherine.

They all dig in, scooping out the gonads with their fingers. 

Or with their claws, in the case of the lobsters.

They have just finished the sea urchin starter, when Arthur arrives.

Seeing the plate of empty sea urchin halves, he's glad he came late.

Buttery Orange Gonads

Six o'clock, at Methezes.

David, Katherine, Gaius, Baudin and Dufresne are already seated.

Arthur has not yet arrived.

A disturbance at the entrance.

It's Louttit, bearing a plastic container.

There's Louttit, says Baudin. I'll just go over and make sure there's no trouble.

(There has already been trouble).

He gets down from his chair and heads for the entrance.

The manager is speaking to Louttit.

No more lobsters. Sorry.

But he is with us, says Baudin, And you let us in.

Only on sufferance, says the manager.

Don't worry, says Louttit. I have brought my own food.

That only makes matters worse, says the manager.

What is it? asks Baudin.

Sea urchins, says Louttit. But if I'm not allowed to eat them perhaps I might donate them to the kitchen.

The manager is tempted. He wonders if the cook knows how to cook sea urchins. If indeed they need cooking. Opening them may be a problem. But one should not look a gift horse in the mouth. 

All right, says the manager, taking the plastic container.

Louttit is in.

No problem, says Baudin, returning to the table with Louttit. A misunderstanding that's all.

David is looking at the menu.

Oktapodi Sti Skara, I think I'll try that. It comes with Greek lemon roasted potatoes.

Nearly everything does, says Katherine. I'll try the Loukanika.

We should wait for Lisa, before ordering, says Gaius. But I think I'll go for the Souvlakia.

A waiter comes up.

Just letting you know about the specials, says the waiter. Today we are privileged to offer freshly opened sea urchins, as a starter.

I'll have them! says Louttit. 

The waiter looks pleased.

Now? says the waiter.

Yes please, says Louttit.

Any drinks? asks the waiter.

They all order beer, remembering what Greek wine sometimes tastes like.

Minutes later the waiter returns with the drinks, and a plate of sea urchins, split open to reveal sets of buttery orange gonads.

The Rotting Underbelly

Lisa comes back from inspecting the tropical fish tanks.

Had a good catch-up? asks Lisa.

Indeed, says Gaius. And we've arranged to meet Louttit for dinner.

Nice, says Lisa. Where are you staying?

We don't know yet, says Gaius.

Check your messages, says Baudin.

Gaius checks his messages.

Yes! One from David.

Salamanca Wharf Hotel. Meet there at five. Dinner at six at Methezes. 

Efficient, says Gaius. It seems we're staying at the Salamanca Wharf Hotel and dining at Methezes.

Methezes. Greek food, says Lisa. Yum yum.

You're welcome to join us, says Gaius. 

I might do that, says Lisa. Then we can talk properly.

Yes, about your tropical fish, says Gaius.

And your kakapo, says Lisa. 

We'd better be going, says Gaius. We ought to check in.

Gaius, Baudin and Dufresne turn to go.

I'll see you at six at Methezes! calls Louttit.

He returns to his sea urchin tank.

Several of the sea urchins are indicating that they wish to opt out.

Louttit waits for five minutes, before responding.

.....

The Salamanca Wharf Hotel is nearby, on the waterfront.

David is waiting.

We've booked two rooms, says David. One for you, me and Arthur, and one for Katherine.

Where is Katherine? asks Gaius.

Still looking for a book, says David. Sign yourself in and we'll go and unpack before dinner.

And where's Arthur? asks Gaius.

Sloped off somewhere, says David. Don't worry, he'll turn up for dinner.

.....

Katherine is in the Hobart Bookshop, browsing.

What will she buy?

Toxic, the Rotting Underbelly of the Tasmanian Salmon Industry, by Richard Flanagan?

Sex Lies and Question Time, by Kate Ellis? 

Klara and the Sun, by Kazuo Ishiguro?

How Proust Can Change Your Life, by Alain de Botton?

.....

Arthur is checking out various bars, thinking of pulling an all-nighter. He doesn't fancy sleeping in close proximity to David and Gaius, who both fart and snore. Let alone with two lobsters.

.....

Lisa is collecting a few notes on extirpation, to bring to the dinner.

.....

Louttit, in the marine lab, removes several sea urchins from the water.

Influx Of Urchins

Lisa takes Gaius, Baudin and Dufresne to the marine lab.

A lobster in a lab coat is leaning over a tank.

Louttit!, says Lisa. Some old friends to see you.

Louttit looks up.

Baudin! And Dufresne! 

He looks delighted, if somewhat sheepish.

Louttit is doing some important work with the sea urchins, says Lisa.

What is it? asks Gaius.

I'll let him explain, says Lisa. I must check the temps on the tropical fish tank.

She heads off to the fish tank to do it.

As you know, says Louttit, sea temperatures are warming. Our kelp forests are rapidly disappearing. 

Aha, says Gaius. And you have an influx of sea urchins.

Yes, an influx, says Louttit. I'm in charge of a tank of them here.

Gaius, Baudin and Dufresne gaze into Louttit's tank of sea urchins.

They are lined up in rows wearing sullen expressions.

They don't look too happy, says Dufresne.

I'm gradually turning up the temperature, says Louttit. At any time they can choose to opt out.

So why don't they? asks Baudin.

Because they are pig headed, says Louttit. 

It seems a bit cruel, says Gaius. Does the CSIRO approve of these methods?

Under review, says Louttit. Meanwhile, I continue. 

It seems you have landed a cushy job, says Dufresne. 

Not so cushy, says Louttit. I'm also expected to re-train them.

To do what? asks Gaius.

That's the problem, says Louttit. But enough of me. What are you doing here?

Just dropping by on our way to New Zealand, says Gaius.

All of you? asks Louttit.

Yes all of us. Including Arthur and Katherine and David.

Oh joy! says Louttit. It must be seven years since I saw them.

When do you get off? asks Gaius. Perhaps we could meet up for dinner.

At five, says Louttit. I would love to.

He peers into his tank of sea urchins.

Hear that you urchins? I'm invited for dinner. 

The sea urchins look at one another.

Good, says one, loudly. That means we won't have to look at your ugly mug all night long.

Louttit looks embarrassed.

Now his friends might intuit that he sleeps here.

Louttit Rings A Bell

Right, says Katherine, where are we staying?

She looks at Arthur, as if he would know.

Arthur shrugs.

I thought we might go straight to Battery Point, says Gaius.

I concur, says Captain Baudin.

And why is that? asks Katherine.

To uncover the possible whereabouts of my friend Captain Louttit, says Captain Baudin.

Louttit! cries Dufresne. He's a friend of mine too!

We might have known, says David. Does that mean you'll be tagging along?

I may as well, says Dufresne. How are we travelling?

Taxi, says Gaius, as long as we all fit inside.

They stand in line for a taxi.

A taxi arrives.

No seafood in my taxi, says the taxi driver. 

They are not seafood, says Gaius. We're going to Battery Point.

This convinces the taxi driver that Baudin and Dufresne are not seafood.

Gaius sits in the front of the taxi, with Captain Baudin on his lap.

Katherine, David and Arthur squeeze into the back.

I'll sit on HER lap, says Dufresne.

You will NOT, says Katherine.

So Dufresne sits on Arthur, who has uncomfortable things in his pockets.

It's only fifteen kilometres to Battery Point from the airport.

They arrive. Gaius pays for the taxi.

We'll hire bikes after this, says Gaius.

They head for the CSIRO.

They approach the glass windows.

Indistinct figures are moving inside.

Are we allowed in? asks Katherine.

Of course, says Gaius, spotting two people he remembers. Lisa! And Dan!

Dan comes to the door and steps out

Gaius! says Dan.

We're here on a lightning visit, says Gaius. On our way to New Zealand to count kakapo.

Come in, says Dan.

They follow him in. 

I see you've brought us two lobsters, says Dan.

Not at all, says Gaius. They are independent. Seeking the whereabouts of their friend Captain Louttit.

Louttit? says Dan. Louttit.... Louttit....? The name rings a bell.

Did someone mention Louttit? asks Lisa.

These two lobsters are looking for him, says Dan.

Louttit works as my lab assistant, says Lisa. He's in the marine lab today.

Louttit? A lab assistant? says Gaius. There's a surprise.

David and Katherine are getting toey.

A lobster lab assistant may well be worth meeting. But where are they going to stay? And Katherine wants a book. 

We'll go and find a hotel, says David. 

Very good, says Gaius. And you might also hire us some bicycles. Meet us back here in an hour.

David and Katherine hurry out of the building before Gaius adds anything else.

Not Of A Human

Gaius returns to his seat, and buckles his seat belt.

How did that go? asks Arthur.

The knitted hat is the key, says Gaius. And I believe I have found it.

Where is it? asks Arthur.

On a child's head, a few seats back, says Gaius. I could hardly re-possess it.

True, says Arthur. 

The plane lands in Hobart.

Thud bump bump rrrrrr.

Everyone stands.

Katherine pulls her back pack from the overhead locker.

Can you get mine down? asks David.

Get it down yourself, says Katherine. 

The people in the aisle start moving forward, including the child in the hat.

The child is now right behind Katherine.

Wait Oliver! calls his mother.  

Oliver turns.

An arm reaches out and pulls off his hat.

Hey! says Oliver, noticing a coldness around the temples.

But everyone is pushing forward. His mother is now at his back.

Never mind that stupid hat, says his mother. It's back on the floor where you found it. And it's left a red line round your head.

Yikes! says Oliver, feeling his forehead.

Oliver and his mother surge forward. 

The plane empties, except for the crew, and our travellers.

Now to rescue Baudin, says Gaius.

Arthur gives him the hat. He walks to the back of the plane where Baudin and Dufresne are being questioned.

Here is the hat, says Gaius.

My hat! says Baudin.

Mine! says Dufresne.

You've proved nothing by finding the hat, says the flight attendant. We still don't know who did it.

What is this ridiculous nonsense! says Katherine, who has followed Gaius, not trusting his legal abilities. A lobster can't be accused of sexual harassment. Not of a human.

Hey-hey, sniggers Dufresne.

The flight attendant sees the point Katherine is making.

Okay, says the flight attendant. Point taken. I suppose they may go.

Come, Baudin, says Katherine. Where is your head torch?

It's in the drawer, says Gaius.  May we take it?

Certainly, says the flight attendant opening the drawer and returning the head torch.

What about me? says Dufresne.

We're both free, says Baudin. Thanks to Katherine.

A sharp-witted woman, says Dufresne. 

Tight Hat Clue

Gaius waits for one of the lobsters to speak.

Gaius, says one of the lobsters. Get me out of this pickle.

Baudin? says Gaius.

Yes, say both lobsters, at once.

Ignore him, says the lobster who used the word pickle.

You can't both be Baudin, asks Gaius. 

He is Dufresne, says Baudin (if it is him). I am Baudin. 

I know that, says Gaius. I recognise certain appendages.

We both have the same appendages, says Dufresne ( if it is him).

I know Baudin intimately, says Gaius. We performed in a play together.

Ask him what part he played, says Baudin. 

What part did you play? asks Gaius.

I've forgotten, says Dufresne. 

I played the Narrator, says Baudin. 

Right, says Gaius. Next question. Where is your hat?

It fell off, says Baudin. It's probably in the aisle somewhere.

And the head torch? asks Gaius.

In that drawer, says Dufresne.

Gaius is opening the drawer when a flight attendant comes up behind him.

Please return to your seat, sir.

Not until I have rescued my colleague, says Gaius. 

Which one is your colleague? asks the flight attendant.

This one, says Gaius. 

I'm sorry sir, but one of these lobsters is accused of sexual harassment, says the flight attendant.

Which one? asks Gaius.

We're not sure, says the flight attendant. They both deny it.

Am I right in thinking that the one who committed the offence was bare-headed? asks Gaius.

So we've been told, says the flight attendant. 

And the other one, at the time, was absent? asks Gaius. 

Alors! says Dufresne! What is this line of questioning? Do you think you are Cicero?

A worthy role model, says Gaius. But the questions are my own. The hat is the key to the mystery

CABIN CREW, BE SEATED FOR LANDING!

You'll have to go back to your seat now, says the flight attendant. We'll sort this out once we've landed.

Gaius realises that he must go back to his seat.

Fear not, Baudin. I'll sort this out promptly.

On the way back to his seat he spots a child in a red knitted hat.

Stretched more tightly than one might have thought natural.

Picky You Under

I need a different start word, says David.

Try picky, says Katherine.

David considers the possibilities of picky.

Picky yellow wasps..... 

Picky you, under rising grapevines....

Hmm. He settles back, in a reverie. 

And can he smell coffee?

The refreshment trolley stops level with Katherine.

Tea or coffee? asks the flight attendant.

Coffee, says Katherine. Tell me, what was that kerfuffle just now, with the lobster?

Nothing to worry about, says the flight attendant, handing Katherine coffee, milk, sugar and stirrer.

I'm only asking, says Katherine, because a lobster is travelling with us.

Was he wearing a red knitted hat, over a head torch? asks the flight attendant.

He was, says Katherine.

There's some confusion, says the flight attendant. There are two lobsters. 

Two lobsters? says Katherine. Hear that, David?

Yes, says David. I thought Arthur was investigating.

Arthur comes back.

Sits down next to Gaius. 

Well? says Gaius. 

They took the wrong lobster, says Arthur. Baudin lost his hat. 

What about his head torch? asks Gaius.

Confiscated, says Arthur. Now they both look the same. And they're both claiming to be innocent.

Of what? asks Gaius.

One of them grabbed a flight attendant's skirt, says Arthur.

It's not on, these days, says the flight attendant. Tea or coffee?

Coffee, says Arthur. Black. No sugar.

You're lucky, you almost missed out, says the flight attendant, smiling.

I know, says Arthur.

Hold my coffee, says Gaius. I must sort this out. 

He gets up, almost knocking Arthur's coffee as the flight attendant passes it to him.

But phew! he doesn't.

Lucky again, says the flight attendant.

Gaius walks to the back of the plane where two lobsters are being detained, in (Jumping Jupiter!) an open food container!

Holey-Moley

Hail lands sharply, says Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur.

Hail lands sharply, yes, says Gaius. Thank you. But what follows?

Keep thinking, says Arthur. Something always materialises.

Does it? says Gaius. Where's that refreshment trolley?

Can't see it yet, says Arthur.

Katherine leans round her seat.

I couldn't help listening, says Katherine. I enjoyed your poem, Arthur.

Thank you , says Arthur. I'm still working on it.

You need to, says David, poking his nose through the gap between the seats. You used the word SLIDE, followed by DEEP. SLIDE ends with E, if I'm not mistaken.

Pedant, says Katherine. It's still a D sound.

He could have used SLID, says David.

Arthur speaks his poem, trying SLID:

Upon nacreous shells seaslugs SLID/ deep pearl lanterns shimmer round damp polyps' sebaceous skin/ nereids sport throughout that tide/ ever running godsaground/ dark Kaos shall long grow within.

(as we can see, he has progressed it)

A problem with tense, there, says Gaius.

And rhyme, says Arthur.

Godsaground, is that one word ? asks David,

Why don't you try? says Arthur.

I shall, says David. Start me off, Katherine.

Holey-moley! says Katherine.

I don't... begins David.

No, says Katherine. That's not your starter word. Something is happening behind us.

The refreshment trolley? asks Gaius. About time it made an appearance.

Not the refreshment trolley, says Katherine. Two flight attendants have bundled a lobster out of his seat and taken him to the back of the aircraft, his thin red legs waving.

Was he wearing a red knitted hat? asks Gaius.

Couldn't see, says Katherine. He was upended.

Arthur, investigate will you? says Gaius.

Arthur gets up to investigate.

Holey-moley, says David, settling back in his seat beside Katherine. Hyphenated, I gather?

Sea Slugs Slide

The plane is in the air now.

A flight attendant walks past.

Hail! says Captain Baudin.

She pays no attention.

Grab her skirt next time, says Dufresne.

That would be asking for trouble, says Captain Baudin.

What do you suggest then? asks Dufresne.

I'll wander up and speak to Arthur, says Baudin.

I'll wait here, says Dufresne.

Captain Baudin slides off his seat and makes his way up to Arthur's aisle seat.

Arthur pays him no attention.

He is composing a poem in his head.

Upon nacreous shells seaslugs slide/ deep pearl lanterns shimmer round dark Kaos....

Baudin grabs Arthur's shorts with his pincher claw.

What is it? says Arthur.

Nothing says Gaius. How's the poem going?

Helps to pass the time, says Arthur.

I might try one, says Gaius. What are the constraints again?

Each word has to start with the last letter of the word that came before it, says Arthur.

What about the first word? asks Gaius.

HAIL! shouts Captain Baudin.

Good suggestion, says Gaius. But I suppose, really, it could be anything.

Captain Baudin is so angry he starts climbing up Arthur's right leg.

Keeping a low profile? asks Arthur.

I WAS, says Captain Baudin. But that's different from being IGNORED!

Cool it, says Arthur. I asked them to ignore you.

Captain Baudin is relieved of his existential dilemma. 

He returns to his seat to find that Dufresne has got himself into trouble, having moved across to Baudin's seat and grabbed the skirt of a passing flight attendant.

Sir! Please let go of my skirt.

Not until you acknowledge my presence, says Dufresne.

It's all right, Dufresne, says Captain Baudin. They were asked to ignore us.

Not both of you, says the flight attendant. Just you in the red hat. Not him.

I knew it! says Dufresne. All I want is a coffee. And perhaps a toasted sandwich.

You must wait until we stop at your seat with the trolley, says the flight attendant. Then we'll take your order.

She walks off, intending to report him. 

Existential Dilemma

On the plane. Ready for take-off.

David and Katherine sit together, wearing their masks.

Gaius and Arthur sit directly behind them.

But where is Captain Baudin?

There he is, three rows back, sitting beside...would you believe it?...another lobster.

They are comparing their boarding experiences.

Captain Baudin: I just walked straight past them.

Other Lobster: Me too. It's as if no one saw me.

Captain Baudin: And yet surely I stand out with this hat.

Other Lobster: You do. Where did you get it?

Captain Baudin: A friend of mine lent it to me

Other Lobster: Don't tell me...was it... Ageless Lobster?

Captain Baudin: It was. Do you know him?

Other Lobster: I used to see him in the State Library, in that exact hat. 

Captain Baudin: He took me there once. I was looking myself up.

Other Lobster: Why? Are you famous?

Captain Baudin: Captain Nicolas Baudin.

Other Lobster: I looked myself up too. I was eaten by Maoris, along with my crew.

Captain Baudin: Dufresne! Why aren't you dressed as a captain?

Dufresne: Why aren't you?

Captain Baudin: I'm going on to New Zealand as soon as the Trans Tasman bubble opens.

Dufresne: What a coincidence. So am I. 

Captain Baudin: We ought to catch up.

Dufresne: Attention! Here comes a flight attendant. 

They stop speaking. The flight attendant walks past them without stopping.

The two sea captains look at one another.

They had not wished to stand out, but .....

Dufresne: Next time she passes, I'll hail her.

Captain Baudin: See if she notices.

Dufresne: And if she doesn't?

Captain Baudin: You and I have an existential dilemma.

Insouciance

Next morning, the travellers are due to meet at the airport.

David and Katherine arrive first.

They sit in the departure lounge, having checked in already.

Gaius arrives next, with Captain Baudin.

Nice hat, says David.

I borrowed it from Ageless, says Captain Baudin.

I take it you had no luck with the socks, says David.

None would fit my requirements, says Captain Baudin. But when faced with a problem, ignore it, that's my motto.

How well has that served you? asks Katherine.

Tolerably, says Captain Baudin. Of course I don't mean ignore it in the sense of .....

.....ignoring it, says David. Then why don't you say so?

David, says Katherine. I hope you're not going to be like this all the way to New Zealand.

Hobart, says David.

I merely adjust my focus, says Captain Baudin. 

You should see what is under his hat, says Gaius. 

Baudin lifts the rim of his red knitted hat. A blue strap attached to a head torch become visible.

A head torch! says Katherine. How forward looking!

Adjustable, says Captain Baudin. Three modes. High, low and red light option.

But the attention ends suddenly.

Arthur! says Gaius.  

Arthur has arrived, wearing his new lightweight jacket.

No back pack? says Gaius.

Travelling light, says Arthur. Everything I need's in my pockets.

Well done, says Katherine. I wish I could be so insouciant. My back pack is full of probable redundancies.

Any books? asks David.

No books, says Katherine. I thought you'd have brought one.

I haven't, says David. 

I'll buy one in Hobart, says Katherine.

PASSENGERS FOR HOBART PLEASE COME FORWARD. FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY PLEASE STAND 1.5 METRES APART IN THE QUEUE.

Captain Baudin stands up. Puts his mask on. Adjusts his head torch. Repositions his hat. Moves forward.

If there's to be a problem, now is the time to ignore it.

Feet In Various Poses

Captain Baudin has left for the bus stop.

No doubt he'll be disappointed, says Gaius.

They might have a small pair, says David.

Which legs would he wear them on, I wonder? says Gaius.

Good point, says David.  

They try to imagine Baudin, wearing four sets of Pinnacle System Socks, on his eight walking legs.

And see the problem.

Perhaps they'll persuade him to make a different purchase, says Gaius. Claw gloves for example.

Or a red knitted hat, says David. I seem to remember Ageless wore one.

Yes, Ageless did have one, says Gaius.

Perhaps he might lend it to Baudin, if he comes back without socks, says David.

I may suggest it, says Gaius. 

David kicks off his shoes, revealing the complexities of his socks.

What are those black areas? asks Gaius.

The heel and top-of-foot cushionings, says David. 

And the wiggly lines? asks Gaius. A map?

I doubt it, says David. 

Have you finished your packing? asks Gaius.

Yes, says David. I could stay for a coffee.

I've run out of coffee, says Gaius. You could stay for a water.

I must get used to the spartan life, says David.

Indeed, says Gaius. There's no internet on Te Hauturu-o-Toi.

That won't bother me, says David. And it shouldn't bother mother.

There will be plenty to do there, says Gaius. 

Counting the kakapos, says David. By the way, did you say Kierko had gone birding?

Yes, with Angelina, says Gaius. He called her on his new phone.

Do you have his number? asks David. I might send him a photo.

That would be nice, says Gaius. But I don't have it.

Has he called you? asks David. If he has, then you do. 

Gaius checks his phone. Yes, that must be Kierko's number. He shows it to David,.

David takes several photos of his feet in various poses. And sends them to Kierko on Kangaroo Island.

....

Kierko on Kangaroo Island is engaged in spotting a bassian thrush.

Ba-ding! 

The sock photo arrives.

The bassian thrush flutters off.

Did you get it? whispers Angelina.

I think so, says Kierkegaard.

He sees he has a new message. He calls it up.

Let me see, says Angelina, expecting to see a bassian thrush or the branch on which one was recently sitting. 

Not David Hume's socks.

Will I Stand Out?

Gaius calls Arthur.

We'll need one more ticket, says Gaius.

Who for? asks Arthur.

Baudin, says Gaius. He refuses to travel in a lunch box.

Is he paying for his ticket? asks Arthur.

I fear not, says Gaius. Put it on my bank card.

Okay, says Arthur. It's fifty nine dollars.

Excellent, says Gaius. Is everything else in order?

Sure is, says Arthur. See you at the airport tomorrow.

Am I getting a seat to myself? asks Captain Baudin.

Yes, says Gaius. 

Will I stand out? asks Captain Baudin.

Probably, says Gaius. But we'll be wearing masks. And only removing them to drink cups of coffee, and eat snacks.

I won't eat or drink, says Baudin. I'll keep my mask on.

Very wise, says Gaius. 

He sits down at the kitchen table.

Ding dong. The doorbell.

It's David.

Kierko left yet? asks David.

Yes, says Gaius. 

Pity, says David. I wanted to show him my socks.

Whatever for? asks Gaius.

Katherine bought them in Kathmandu, says David. He lifts his trousers, to reveal the Pinnacle Sock System.

Wonderful, says Gaius. It looks like the System is nothing but two pairs of socks.

Not just two pairs of socks, says David. A thin inner sock and a protective outer sock. You can wear them together or separately.

Very nice, says Gaius. How much were they?

They were a gift, says David. She bought Arthur a jacket.

Did she? says Gaius. Your mother is generous.

She has a soft spot for Arthur, says David. Has he organised the tickets?

I believe so, says Gaius. We're meeting tomorrow at the airport. Baudin is coming.

Captain Baudin makes his way towards David's feet,  

I very much admire your Pinnacle Sock System, says Captain Baudin.

Yes, they are very good, says David.

I should like a pair for myself, says Captain Baudin.

There's no time for shopping, says Gaius. 

Captain Baudin's eyes glitter.

They aren't leaving until tomorrow. 

There is time for shopping.

Sadly Eaten In Lorne

 I didn't think you'd mind, says Kierkegaard.

I don't mind, says Gaius.

They are in the back garden, unpegging the washing.

Those are mine, says Kierkegaard.

Sorry, says Gaius. Black underpants all look rather similar.

Yours are thinner below the elastic, says Kierkegaard.

If you say so, says Gaius. Where will you be birding?

On Kangaroo Island, says Kierkegaard. Angelina's gone over already.

Make some notes, says Gaius. Bring them to New Zealand when you're ready.

I will, says Kierkegaard. 

He unpegs his black cloak, and inspects it.

No blackberry jam stains? asks Gaius.

None, says Kierkegaard. 

Captain Baudin skitters into the back garden.

Have you heard that Kierko is returning to Kangaroo Island? asks Gaius.

Is he? says Captain Baudin.

Perhaps you'd prefer to go with him? says Gaius.

I would not, says Captain Baudin. I have regained my sense of adventure. New Zealand it is.

With a stop-off in Hobart, says Gaius. 

Hobart too, says Captain Baudin. I hope to catch up with Captain Louttit, Captain de Freycinet, and Admiral de Guichen.

Alas, says Gaius. An accident befell Admiral de Guichen when we were in Lorne.

I hadn't heard, says Captain Baudin. What exactly befell him?

Sadly, eaten, says Gaius.

In Lorne? says Captain Baudin.

At a beach party, says Gaius.

Good heavens! says Captain Baudin.

There was a camp fire and much drunken frivolity, says Gaius.

Were you there? asks Captain Baudin.

I was not, says Gaius. I was further down the beach, keeping watch on the barnacles.

So how do you know what happened? asks Captain Baudin.

I don't, says Gaius. Arthur went, with Admiral de Guichen. In the morning he was back, without Admiral de Guichen.

Who had been eaten, says Captain Baudin.  

So we were led to believe, says Gaius. It was years ago. No one blamed Arthur. It's not as though he ate Admiral de Guichen all by himself.

I see, says Captain Baudin. Best forgotten eh? By the way, will I need a ticket?

No, says Gaius. As long as you're happy to travel in a luncheon basket.

I don't know that I am, says Captain Baudin.

Dare Or Lose

Gaius is at home, packing.

His phone rings.

Hello?

It's me, says Kierkegaard. I have a new phone. Is my washing dry yet?

How should I know? asks Gaius.

Never mind, says Kierkegaard, I'll be back soon to collect it. 

Collect it? says Gaius. Does that mean you're not staying?

Yes, says Kierkegaard. I've just called Angelina, and she's invited me to a Birding Day next Saturday.

And you accepted, says Gaius. 

Not to dare is to lose oneself, says Kierkegaard.

There are two ways of looking at that, says Gaius.

Kierkegaard is in an excited state, and can only see one way.

So you won't be coming to Hobart, says Gaius. 

Not yet, says Kierkegaard. 

Perhaps you'd better call Arthur, says Gaius. Let him know.

No need, says Kierkegaard, he's coming towards me.

How fortuitous, says Gaius.

Not really, says Kierkegaard. I'm right where we parted, outside the Apple store.

You bought an Apple? says Gaius. 

They seem popular, says Kierkegaard. There was a queue. Well, I'll be seeing you shortly.

He turns towards Arthur. 

I hope you haven't purchased my ticket to Hobart, says Kierkegaard.

Why would I? says Arthur. 

I thought you were organising everything, says Kierkegaard.

It's all a bit fluid, says Arthur. 

True, says Kierkegaard. Take me for example. I won't be coming. At least not with you.

And Katherine will, says Arthur. See what I mean about fluid. 

Katherine is not far behind him. She is carrying three or four large Kathmandu bags.

Arthur! says Katherine. Here's your new red jacket, and the Zip-off pants bottoms and your old shorts.

She hands him a bag.

Lucky his old shorts are in it. 

There were things in the pockets.

The Zip-Off

 Arthur locks his bike to a curved metal tube.

He walks through the mall towards Kathmandu.

On the way he sees Kierkegaard coming out of the Apple store.

Hello, says Kierkegaard. I've bought a new phone.

Looks like a good one, says Arthur. 

Now I just need to learn how to work it, says Kierkegaard.

What do you want it to do? asks Arthur.

Communicate with people I know, says Kierkegaard. I just need their phone numbers.

I'll send you a few, says Arthur. Who do you want? Me? Gaius? David? Vello? Belle? Angelina?

Yes, please, says Kierkegaard.

Dreams can come true! Angelina.

Arthur texts the phone numbers to Kierko's new number.

Thanks Arthur, says Kierkegaard, sitting down on a wooden bench to call Angelina.

Arthur walks off, and heads towards Kathmandu.

In Kathmandu, Katherine is trying on a Longline Down Jacket, maroon.

Don't buy it, says Arthur, coming up behind her.

Katherine turns round. Arthur! Why not?

You look like a skittle, says Arthur. 

Thank you, Arthur, says Katherine. I was thinking the same thing myself. I'll stick to a conventional length jacket. But I don't fancy having cold legs.

Buy some long johns, says Arthur. Two pairs for thirty dollars.

What an excellent idea, says Katherine. Are you here to buy something warm for New Zealand?

I'll probably get by with my old rain jacket, says Arthur.

Nonsense dear, says Katherine. Let me buy you a Lightweight Down Jacket. How about this nice red one? And some Zip Off hiking pants too. You can wear them as long pants, and when it's hot you just zip off the bottoms, and they turn into shorts. Isn't that clever?

Arthur pretends to be reluctant. She insists. So he goes to the change rooms to try on the pants.

Katherine looks at Polypro long johns. Why not? She selects a black pair and a striped pair, glacier, granite, blackberry, wine. 

How do they come up with the names for those colours? 

David would call them blue, grey, black, red.

She wonders if David has enough warm clothes for New Zealand.

Of course, he would have. She might just buy him a new pair of socks.

Her eye is caught by a display that features the Pinnacle Sock System.

An ingenious system. 

She is examining a pair of red and black Pinnacle Sock System socks when Arthur comes out of the change room. 

In the Zip-offs, zipped off.

What a fine pair of legs he has. 

If it weren't for the knee scabs.

 

Touch And Go

Next morning, Gaius calls David.

Did you hear the good news?

No, says David. I haven't heard any news. I was up late, burying Fluffy.

Gaius coughs. Whatever this means, he feels he has no need to know it.

The good news is that a two way travel bubble has been announced, says Gaius. 

With New Zealand? says David.

Of course with New Zealand, says Gaius. You are still coming?

Oh yes, says David, And I have some news for you too.

What is it? asks Gaius.

Mother is coming, says David. 

Katherine? says Gaius. She will be most welcome. But wait. Has she told Margaret?

No, says David. She knows how you feel about Margaret.

It's not how I feel about Margaret, says Gaius. It's how Margaret feels about me.

Well Margaret is out of the picture, says David. It was touch and go for a while. Mother was going to ask her to mind Fluffy.

Ah, thinks Gaius. Fluffy is some sort of pet. Now buried in David's garden. Katherine will be upset.

Is Katherine upset? asks Gaius.

No, says David. She has gone to the shops to buy a warm outfit. 

Very wise, says Gaius. I wonder if Kierko will buy himself a warm outfit. He's out now, buying a phone.

About time, says David. So when are we leaving?

The bubble opens in two weeks, says Gaius. But there are no direct flights from Adelaide to Auckland. So Arthur has booked flights to Hobart. 

For how many? asks David. 

Two, says Gaius. Plus a lobster.

Which lobster? asks David.

Baudin, says Gaius. He has friends to catch up with. 

I see, says David. Does Baudin need a ticket?

No, says Gaius. And Kierko can organise his own ticket once he has his phone. I thought you might do the same.

Wouldn't it be better to buy all the tickets at the same time? asks David. Including one for my mother.

Call Arthur, says Gaius. See what he thinks.

David calls Arthur, who has a bit of a headache.

Bought the tickets yet? asks David.

What tickets? asks Arthur. 

For Hobart, says David. I thought if you hadn't, you might book two extras. One for me, and one for Katherine.

Is she coming? asks Arthur.

Yes, says David. Right now, she's out buying herself a warm outfit.

Where? asks Arthur.

I don't know..... Kathmandu I imagine, says David. The one in the city.

Arthur likes Katherine. In the past, she has bought him new board shorts. 

Okay, says Arthur. Send me the money. Three hundred dollars should do it.

(One hundred and nine dollars times two, plus a small profit).

That sorted, Arthur gets on his bike, and cycles towards Kathmandu.

Out For A Wee

David has made two cups of tea.

Fluffy has made herself at home on the best cushion.

She's a dear little creature, says Katherine. 

So I see, says David. Does she have her own basket?

She sleeps at the end of my bed, says Katherine. 

But... while you're here, says David.

Don't be a fusspot, says Katherine. She's perfectly clean.

All the same, says David. Before I go, I'd like to see Fluffy in a basket.

I wonder if Margaret would take her, says Katherine. Then I could come with you, to New Zealand.

It won't be your sort of holiday, says David. We're going to a tiny island, where we'll need a permit. There will be hardship. 

I don't mind hardship, David, says Katherine. I'm a hardy Scots woman. I might call Margaret.

Please don't, says David. If you do, I foresee our whole trip being called off.

By Gaius? says Katherine. I don't have to tell Margaret where we're going. And anyway, if she has Fluffy, she can't come.

Exactly. So she won't have Fluffy, and she'll invent a geological reason for going to Te Hauturu-o-Toi, and you'll still be stuck here with Fluffy, says David.

Katherine finishes her cup of tea. She regards Fluffy, curled up on David's best cushion.

David stands up. 

I'll make up the spare bed for you, mother, says David.

Thanks dear, says Katherine. I'll just let Fluffy out for a wee.

You do that, says David. One blanket or two?

One dear, says Katherine.

She scoops up Fluffy.

Fluffy opens one eye. What's this?

Grrr-cuk! she vomits up a smelly lump of Schmacko.

Tch! says Katherine. Come on! Time for a wee-wee.

She opens the front door.

Lets Fluffy into the garden.

Fluffy shoots off, after a possum.

Car brakes screech.

Perhaps solving the problem of Fluffy.

If It Wasn't For Fluffy

Who will I be with? asks Terence.

Sweezus, says Belle. It's time he looked after you.

Good! says Terence. Where are we going?

Nowhere, says Sweezus.

Easter is coming, says Kierkegaard. 

Don't remind him, says Belle.

Shit, says Sweezus. Is it?

Yes, says Belle. Would you like to go camping, or something?

No, I'll just disappear for a bit, says Sweezus.

I won't let you, says Belle. You'll get disorientated.

That only happened once, says Sweezus. And it wasn't at Easter.

Well, I'll organise something, says Belle.

I LOVE Easter! says Terence. I always get a present.

Does he? asks David.

He does, because he can't eat chocolate, says Belle.

That makes no sense, says David. Well, I'm off. Good night all.

I'm off too, says Gaius. Early start in the morning. Coming, Kierko?

Yes, says Kierkegaard. Got to do some washing. And buy myself a phone.

Bye, guys, says Belle. 

David, Gaius and Kierkegaard head for the exit.

Will we be flying? asks David.

I imagine so, says Gaius. Arthur will organise it.

Are there direct flights to New Zealand from Adelaide? asks David.

You can check that with Arthur, says Gaius.

David walks home. 

At home, his mother Katherine is waiting, at the front door.

Mother! says David. Why are you here? It's past midnight!

I need somewhere to stay, says Katherine. I hope it's not inconvenient.

Not at all, says David, unlocking the door.

I'm in between houses, says Katherine.

You're in luck then, says David. I'm about to go to New Zealand.

Wait, says Katherine, I'll just get Fluffy.

She goes out to her car, and gets Fluffy.

David says nothing. He does not like Fluffy.

New Zealand, says Katherine. I'd come with you, if it wasn't for Fluffy.

David develops a sudden interest in the welfare of Fluffy.

He gets Fluffy some water, and looks in his cupboard for Schmackos.

Halloo-kakapoo

David has not yet come back with the drinks.

David's a dark horse, says Vello.

Indeed, says Gaius. I had no idea he was interested in coming with me to New Zealand.

Perhaps it was just a whim on the spur of the moment, says Vello.

I hope not, says Gaius. He might be useful.

David, useful? says Vello.

His Scots accent, says Gaius.

I have a Danish accent, says Kierkegaard. Might that be useful?

It could well be, says Gaius. 

New Zealanders have a New Zealand accent, says Sweezus. 

I know that, says Gaius. The vowels.

Yeah, but how come you reckon a person with a Scots or Danish accent will be useful? asks Sweezus.

I thought you always thought I was pretty useful, says Arthur.

You are irreplaceable, says Gaius. I trust you are coming?

Sure, says Arthur. 

He needs your French accent, says Sweezus.

More than that, says Arthur.

Certainly, more than that, says Gaius. I need you to obtain the necessary permits. You seem to have a knack for obtaining whatever is needed.

What permits do we need? asks Arthur.

Permits to enter Te Hauturu-o-Toi, says Gaius. A small island north east of Auckland. Kakapos are still to be found there. 

David returns with a tray full of glasses, re-filled with Wild Gin.

Well, David, says Vello. It seems you are going to the tiny island Te Hauturu-o-Toi, home of the kakapos.  And you'll be needing a permit.

Fear not. It's all in hand, says Gaius. Arthur is organising it.

All you need to bring is your Scots accent, says Vello. Hallooo-kakapoo! Ha ha!

You may laugh, says David. But I'm up for this adventure.

Me too, says Terence.

Except you won't be going, says Belle.

All They Got Was An Exit

Ivan finishes his lager and walks off to find the Flamingo.

He thinks about what he has learned.

Old sea captains turn into lobsters, which exonerates them from their crimes.

Or does it? Kobo didn't think so.

He will never look the same way at a lobster. Or a fossilised clam. 

He arrives at the Flamingo and stands in the queue.

Will he be an irritating person in the Flamingo? We don't know.

We're not going in.

We turn back and find our way to another table, and another illuminated tree.

The cast of Candide are sitting at the table, drinking Wild Gin.

Well, says Vello, Next year, we might try something more modern.

What a good idea, papa, says Belle. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. The story is kind of dated.

The modern audience is dated, says Vello.

Ha ha, very good, says David. How did you think it went, Kierko?

They loved Terence, says Kierkegaard.

Because I was trying, says Terence. 

You did very well, says Vello. Your song at the end had them thinking.

He called them losers! says Baby Pierre.

They were losers, says Terence. All they got was an exit.

Excerpt, says Gaius. They got an excerpt. And they did get free seeds.

Are there any seeds left? asks Vello. I might try and grow some in a pot in the office.

Here, says Arthur, handing Vello a paper cone packet. 

What have we here? asks Vello, reading the scribbles on the paper. A Report On The Twitcher!

So that's where that went, says Gaius. May I have it back when you've finished?

You can have it now, says Vello. 

Who was the Twitcher? asks Kierkegaard.

A love-sick cuttlefish, says Gaius. We took it to Kas.

Back in the days when one could travel, says David. How is the travel bubble with New Zealand? Open yet?

Opening soon, says Gaius. I believe the airlines are offering free cancellations. I'm thinking of booking some tickets.

I may come with you, says David. Now, who's for another?

Everyone is for another.

David heads back to the gin bar to order more gin.

Is It Karma?

The irritating person, having purchased a lager, waits under the illuminated tree.

A lobster approaches.

I'm not the captain, says Ageless. In case you were wondering.

Where is he? asks the irritating person. We're supposed to be meeting.

Coming, says Ageless. And I'm not staying. 

He's just dropping me off, says Kobo. 

You! says the irritating person. The original left buttock!

One and the same, says Kobo. As you see, I'm a separate entity.

Nice to meet you, says the irritating person. I'm Ivan.

Kobo, says Kobo. Ageless, lift me onto the table.

Ageless has no hope of lifting her onto the table.

Allow me, says Ivan.

He lifts Kobo onto the table.

Ageless departs to assist with packing up the props.

Call me when you're done, beloved! says Ageless, over his shoulder.

Beloved? says Ivan. You and him?

He likes to think so, says Kobo.

Ivan takes a large sip of his lager.

Captain Baudin approaches.

Bonsoir, personne irritante, says Captain Baudin.

His name's Ivan, says Kobo.

Pourquoi? says Captain Baudin.

He asks why? says Kobo.

My parents liked the name, says Ivan.

I was not asking YOU, says Captain Baudin. I was asking Kobo.

Why am I here? asks Kobo.

Oui, says Captain Baudin.

When you two have finished, says Ivan. I have a question.

First I shall answer Nicolas's question, says Kobo. I'm hear to observe your interaction.

I have no secrets, says Captain Baudin.

Good, says Ivan. Explain Mary Beckwith.

Aha, says Captain Baudin. Which Mary Beckwith? La mère or la fille?

The one you made off with, says Kobo. The so-called fille publique, who absconded from Port Jackson and shipped with you, in your cabin, all the way to Ile de France, and whom you tried to offload in Koepang, which was no place for a woman, in those days.

Where does this information come from? asks Captain Baudin. I've been misrepresented!

Woah! says Ivan. Did she keep a diary? 

No, says Kobo. No diary was found. And there is no existing record of Captain Baudin's five month stay in Sydney, although he DID keep a diary.

What do you say to that? asks Ivan. Here you are, living the good life, and where is poor Mary Beckwith?

Sir, says Captain Baudin. As you see, I am now a lobster.

True, says Ivan. Is it some kind of karma?

If it is, all sea captains are guilty, says Captain Baudin.

You're not telling me all lobsters were once sea captains? asks Ivan.

I'm not telling you anything, says Captain Baudin. Interview over.

Suit yourself, says Ivan.

Captain Baudin strides away, leaving Kobo with Ivan.

I'd better call Ageless, says Kobo. AGELESS!

Was Ageless once a sea captain? asks Ivan.

Not that I know of, says Kobo.