It was time for Arthur to leave. The mystery had been solved, and as luck would have it, Ouvert was already sealed inside the envelope, which still had all its stamps.
It's time for me to leave, said Arthur. It has been very nice meeting you, and chatting about science and the Standard Model and the nature of matter and the speed of light and poetry. Thank you for the use of several of your matches. I'm sorry that you didn't end up with the stamps for your collection, Mr Higgs.
Oh ne'er ye mind it, laddie, said Bo'sun Higgs. Stamps be no use without a postmark. Mayhap ye'll think of us when writin' yer next poem. A poem about pirates, what think ye, Cap'n?
Aye, said the Cap'n. A poem about pirates livin' on a light'ouse in the middle of the sea, sore afraid to turn on any lights, an' lyin' low.
That would make a nice poem for someone, said Arthur, but not for me. I'm done with poems. I now intend to travel to Australia and learn to surf with Sweezus, meet his dog called Farky, and help him with his creative writing, if I can.
A dog? said the Cap'n. That does creative writin'?
I don't think so, said Arthur. It's Sweezus that does creative writing. But the dog can ride a bicycle, so you never know.
'Tis true ye never know, said the Cap'n. I never thought before tonight that a stone could take part in a conversation, but we seen it with our own two eyes and heard it with our ears.
This reminded Arthur uncomfortably of Ouvert, who was still writhing in the envelope inside his pocket. Was he going to wriggle all the way back to La Rochelle? The sooner he could post him the better.
You don't happen to know if there's a letter box in Pointe des Minimes? he asked the pirates.
Nay, lad, we don't know, said the Cap'n. But d'ye mind me askin' where Pliny the Elder's livin' nowadays? Where's the little fellow goin' in his envelope?
Same place I'm going, said Arthur. Adelaide. Do you think I ought to take him there myself?
But the pirates didn't think so.
Nay, lad, t'would be a pity to waste them good stamps, said Bo'sun Higgs. Post him, I say.
Aye, post him, so say I too, agreed the Cap'n.
.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
The Poem of the Sea
Come on then, boy, tell us, said the Cap'n. What's GPS, accordin' to you?
It won't mean much to you pirates, said Arthur, but it's the initials of someone we know.
Ouvert's brain began ticking over. Who did they know?
These are the initials of Gaius Plinius Secundus, said Arthur, otherwise known as Pliny the Elder, or Gaius, from Team Philosophe.
Ouvert was disappointed. Gaius! Gaius didn't even like him. Thanks very much, Belle et Bonne.
But the pirates had pricked up their ears.
Pliny the Elder, said the Cap'n. Happen I 'ave 'eard of 'im. GPS. Smart reasonin' young lad. Ye've 'eard of 'im, Mr Higgs?
Aye, said Mr Higgs. Pliny the Elder, the natural historian. A very famous person, no denyin'. How comes it that you lads know 'im?
Arthur was irritated by their recognition of boring old Gaius.
Perhaps now is the time to introduce myself, he said airily. I'm Arthur Rimbaud, the poet. Quite as famous as him.
Oh yes? Pull the other one laddie, said the Cap'n. What 'ave ye writ?
Illuminations, said Arthur, A Season in Hell, The Drunken Boat.........
The Drunken Boat! said the Cap'n. That sounds like a good 'un. Give us some lines.
Stop! said Ouvert. What about me?
I s'pose ye'll be tellin' us ye're famous too? said the Bo'sun.
I'm lucky, said Ouvert. I won the Tour de France.
That's a lie, said Arthur. He left before the end. Would you men like to hear my poem?
Aye, said the Cap'n. Put 'im in that there envelope, an' we'll 'ear the poem.
Arthur began, somewhere in the middle:
And from that time on I bathed in the Poem of the Sea, star-infused and churned into milk, devouring the green azure.......
Oh laddie, said the Cap'n, 'ow I do like that poem,' tis pure language that is, I do believe ye, now.
Arthur was mollified.
Ouvert thrashed about inside the envelope. But Arthur had sealed it and thrust it back inside his pocket.
It won't mean much to you pirates, said Arthur, but it's the initials of someone we know.
Ouvert's brain began ticking over. Who did they know?
These are the initials of Gaius Plinius Secundus, said Arthur, otherwise known as Pliny the Elder, or Gaius, from Team Philosophe.
Ouvert was disappointed. Gaius! Gaius didn't even like him. Thanks very much, Belle et Bonne.
But the pirates had pricked up their ears.
Pliny the Elder, said the Cap'n. Happen I 'ave 'eard of 'im. GPS. Smart reasonin' young lad. Ye've 'eard of 'im, Mr Higgs?
Aye, said Mr Higgs. Pliny the Elder, the natural historian. A very famous person, no denyin'. How comes it that you lads know 'im?
Arthur was irritated by their recognition of boring old Gaius.
Perhaps now is the time to introduce myself, he said airily. I'm Arthur Rimbaud, the poet. Quite as famous as him.
Oh yes? Pull the other one laddie, said the Cap'n. What 'ave ye writ?
Illuminations, said Arthur, A Season in Hell, The Drunken Boat.........
The Drunken Boat! said the Cap'n. That sounds like a good 'un. Give us some lines.
Stop! said Ouvert. What about me?
I s'pose ye'll be tellin' us ye're famous too? said the Bo'sun.
I'm lucky, said Ouvert. I won the Tour de France.
That's a lie, said Arthur. He left before the end. Would you men like to hear my poem?
Aye, said the Cap'n. Put 'im in that there envelope, an' we'll 'ear the poem.
Arthur began, somewhere in the middle:
And from that time on I bathed in the Poem of the Sea, star-infused and churned into milk, devouring the green azure.......
Oh laddie, said the Cap'n, 'ow I do like that poem,' tis pure language that is, I do believe ye, now.
Arthur was mollified.
Ouvert thrashed about inside the envelope. But Arthur had sealed it and thrust it back inside his pocket.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
What GPS Means to A Pebble
GPS. That much was clear. The rest of the words on the envelope were so water-stained and creased that they were unreadable by matchlight .
GPS, said the Cap'n. Now what d'ye suppose that's meant to mean?
Everyone knows what it means, said Arthur, impatiently. But why write it on an envelope?
Oh everyone knows, does they? said the Cap'n. Watch your smart tongue boy. Let's see if the Bo'sun here knows what it means. Mr Higgs?
Bo'sun Higgs looked uncomfortable. He knew what it meant.
Nay, said Bo'sun Higgs. Not for certain.
More to the point, said Arthur, to himself, why would Belle et Bonne write it on an envelope?
Ouvert brightened up. He flashed a fishy grin.
She's sending me by GPS, he said happily. Put me inside!
Hold on a minute, said Arthur. Where do you think GPS is? The rest of the address is obscured.
But Ouvert had heard about GPS, from the Tour de France riders. If you travelled by GPS you could get from anywhere to anywhere, by means of satellite tracking.
He explained this to the pirates.
Blow me down, said the Cap'n. If that's the case, then why d'ye need all them stamps?
Ouvert was stumped.
I don't need them, he said finally.
Bo'sun Higgs saw an opportunity.
I collect stamps, he said. Can I 'ave 'em?
Yes, you can, said Ouvert grandly. Just don't tear the envelope getting them off.
Reluctantly Arthur handed the envelope to the Bo'sun. It seemed like a very bad idea. GPS didn't work like that. You needed more than an envelope, he was sure. Belle et Bonne had intended to post Ouvert somewhere. But where?
Wait a minute! said Arthur. I've got it. Don't remove those stamps! I know what GPS means!
GPS, said the Cap'n. Now what d'ye suppose that's meant to mean?
Everyone knows what it means, said Arthur, impatiently. But why write it on an envelope?
Oh everyone knows, does they? said the Cap'n. Watch your smart tongue boy. Let's see if the Bo'sun here knows what it means. Mr Higgs?
Bo'sun Higgs looked uncomfortable. He knew what it meant.
Nay, said Bo'sun Higgs. Not for certain.
More to the point, said Arthur, to himself, why would Belle et Bonne write it on an envelope?
Ouvert brightened up. He flashed a fishy grin.
She's sending me by GPS, he said happily. Put me inside!
Hold on a minute, said Arthur. Where do you think GPS is? The rest of the address is obscured.
But Ouvert had heard about GPS, from the Tour de France riders. If you travelled by GPS you could get from anywhere to anywhere, by means of satellite tracking.
He explained this to the pirates.
Blow me down, said the Cap'n. If that's the case, then why d'ye need all them stamps?
Ouvert was stumped.
I don't need them, he said finally.
Bo'sun Higgs saw an opportunity.
I collect stamps, he said. Can I 'ave 'em?
Yes, you can, said Ouvert grandly. Just don't tear the envelope getting them off.
Reluctantly Arthur handed the envelope to the Bo'sun. It seemed like a very bad idea. GPS didn't work like that. You needed more than an envelope, he was sure. Belle et Bonne had intended to post Ouvert somewhere. But where?
Wait a minute! said Arthur. I've got it. Don't remove those stamps! I know what GPS means!
Bright Sparks
Bo'sun Higgs fetched the matches. The Cap'n struck a match and they all saw one another clearly for the first time.
You're an 'andsome young lad, said the Cap'n to Arthur. Ever been a ship's boy?
No, said Arthur. We'll just read the envelope and be on our way.
Nay, boy, stay for a natter, said the Cap'n.
Aye, stay, said the Bo'sun. We likes a bit o' company now an' again.
He grinned at Arthur.
Let's stay, said Ouvert. We like talking.
Oh yes, said Arthur, we couldn't help overhearing......
Overhearing? said the Cap'n sharply. Pirates ain't fond of folks overhearin'. What did ye hear?
You were discussing the missing particle, said Arthur, the famous Higgs boson. They found it, you said.
Aye! said the Cap'n. They found it alright. It were missin'.
Ouvert looked at Bo'sun Higgs, who appeared to like being referred to.
Arthur ploughed on.
I read something the other day, he began. I'd like to know what you think about it.
What is it? asked the Cap'n.
I didn't really get it, said Arthur.
Go on boy, said Bo'sun Higgs. We ain't the brightest sparks ourselves.
Well, said Arthur. It was about the nature of mass. The idea is that everything that doesn't have mass must be travelling at the speed of light.
There's an illuminating thought, said the Cap'n. He looked thoughtful, if not illuminated. The match had gone out.
Thoughts and ideas, said Ouvert. Mine do go quite fast.
Everyone thought about their own thoughts and ideas.
No, it's silly, said Arthur. But it seemed to make sense at the time.
Don't be embarrassed lad, said the Cap'n. We're all amateurs here. Now let's 'ave a squizz at this letter. Strike another match, Bo'sun Higgs!
Light flared across the face of the damp unfolded envelope. They saw stamps. And the letters 'GPS'
You're an 'andsome young lad, said the Cap'n to Arthur. Ever been a ship's boy?
No, said Arthur. We'll just read the envelope and be on our way.
Nay, boy, stay for a natter, said the Cap'n.
Aye, stay, said the Bo'sun. We likes a bit o' company now an' again.
He grinned at Arthur.
Let's stay, said Ouvert. We like talking.
Oh yes, said Arthur, we couldn't help overhearing......
Overhearing? said the Cap'n sharply. Pirates ain't fond of folks overhearin'. What did ye hear?
You were discussing the missing particle, said Arthur, the famous Higgs boson. They found it, you said.
Aye! said the Cap'n. They found it alright. It were missin'.
Ouvert looked at Bo'sun Higgs, who appeared to like being referred to.
Arthur ploughed on.
I read something the other day, he began. I'd like to know what you think about it.
What is it? asked the Cap'n.
I didn't really get it, said Arthur.
Go on boy, said Bo'sun Higgs. We ain't the brightest sparks ourselves.
Well, said Arthur. It was about the nature of mass. The idea is that everything that doesn't have mass must be travelling at the speed of light.
There's an illuminating thought, said the Cap'n. He looked thoughtful, if not illuminated. The match had gone out.
Thoughts and ideas, said Ouvert. Mine do go quite fast.
Everyone thought about their own thoughts and ideas.
No, it's silly, said Arthur. But it seemed to make sense at the time.
Don't be embarrassed lad, said the Cap'n. We're all amateurs here. Now let's 'ave a squizz at this letter. Strike another match, Bo'sun Higgs!
Light flared across the face of the damp unfolded envelope. They saw stamps. And the letters 'GPS'
Friday, July 27, 2012
The Laws of Physics Contradicted
Ahoy! shouted Arthur, again. The lighthouse had gone suddenly dark.
Who goes there? growled the Cap'n.
Me! said Arthur. Can you show me a light?
Climb up, laddie, said the Cap'n. Give him a hand there, Mr Higgs.
Bo'sun Higgs helped Arthur up the ladder.
Ouvert shivered, under Arthur's discarded bandages.
Hey ho, me hearty, said the Cap'n. What can we do for ye, this dark dreary night?
Do you have a torch? asked Arthur. I want to read the address on this envelope.
Bo'sun Higgs laughed a piratical laugh.
A torch, lad! he snorted. This be a light'ouse. There be no need for a torch in a light'ouse.
Not a'together true, Bo'sun Higgs, said the Cap'n. If there be a power failure, the possessing of a torch u'd be a handy thing.
Bo'sun Higgs shot the Cap'n a look.
Never mind about that, said Arthur impatiently. If this is a lighthouse why isn't the light on?
Arrrh, said the Cap'n. We don't like the light on, ye see.
Because you're pirates, I suppose, said Arthur.
Who told ye that? said the Cap'n.
Ouvert, said Arthur, scrabbling around for Ouvert in his pocket.
This is Ouvert, added Arthur, producing his friend. He's the reason I'm here. This is his envelope. Before he gets in it, he needs to know where it's going.
Hello, said Ouvert.
Blimey! said Bo'sun Higgs. A talking stone! Now don't THAT contradict the laws of physics!
You may think so, said Ouvert, but nothing contradicts the laws of physics.
Well said, Ouvert, said Arthur. Now you two chaps, pirates, whatever you are, where is this torch?
We don't have a torch, said the Cap'n, and you're not goin' to set eyes on it.
Contradiction! shouted Ouvert, feeling bolder. What about matches?
Matches! said Bo'sun Higgs, I suppose we might stretch to some matches.
Go fetch the matches, Bo'sun Higgs, said the Cap'n. And we'll have ourselves a look at this precious envelope.
Who goes there? growled the Cap'n.
Me! said Arthur. Can you show me a light?
Climb up, laddie, said the Cap'n. Give him a hand there, Mr Higgs.
Bo'sun Higgs helped Arthur up the ladder.
Ouvert shivered, under Arthur's discarded bandages.
Hey ho, me hearty, said the Cap'n. What can we do for ye, this dark dreary night?
Do you have a torch? asked Arthur. I want to read the address on this envelope.
Bo'sun Higgs laughed a piratical laugh.
A torch, lad! he snorted. This be a light'ouse. There be no need for a torch in a light'ouse.
Not a'together true, Bo'sun Higgs, said the Cap'n. If there be a power failure, the possessing of a torch u'd be a handy thing.
Bo'sun Higgs shot the Cap'n a look.
Never mind about that, said Arthur impatiently. If this is a lighthouse why isn't the light on?
Arrrh, said the Cap'n. We don't like the light on, ye see.
Because you're pirates, I suppose, said Arthur.
Who told ye that? said the Cap'n.
Ouvert, said Arthur, scrabbling around for Ouvert in his pocket.
This is Ouvert, added Arthur, producing his friend. He's the reason I'm here. This is his envelope. Before he gets in it, he needs to know where it's going.
Hello, said Ouvert.
Blimey! said Bo'sun Higgs. A talking stone! Now don't THAT contradict the laws of physics!
You may think so, said Ouvert, but nothing contradicts the laws of physics.
Well said, Ouvert, said Arthur. Now you two chaps, pirates, whatever you are, where is this torch?
We don't have a torch, said the Cap'n, and you're not goin' to set eyes on it.
Contradiction! shouted Ouvert, feeling bolder. What about matches?
Matches! said Bo'sun Higgs, I suppose we might stretch to some matches.
Go fetch the matches, Bo'sun Higgs, said the Cap'n. And we'll have ourselves a look at this precious envelope.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Higgs Bo'sun
It was a funny-looking lighthouse, low and round and sticking out of the water on wooden stilts. Arthur was determined to get closer. He crunched over the rocks towards sea. Ouch! He tripped and grazed his knee. The rocks were treacherously covered in the sharp grey shells of mussels and wild oysters.
He would need a boat to get out to the lighthouse.
Ouvert! he hissed.
Ouvert said nothing, hoping that Arthur would give up his crazy scheme.
Arthur pulled Ouvert roughly out of his pocket.
We need to borrow a boat, said Arthur.
Don't look at me, said Ouvert. It's far too dangerous. There's PIRATES!
Come on, said Arthur. Pirates? I don't believe it. Look there's a dinghy over there, I'm getting in.
He untied the dinghy and got in. He rowed out to the lighthouse. Ouvert was babbling something about the pirates, and the Phare du Bout du Monde.
Did you just say the Phare du Bout du Monde? said Arthur.
Yes, said Ouvert. That's what this is.
The Lighthouse at the End of the World? It can't be, said Arthur. It's at Cape Horn.
This is a fake one, said Ouvert, but there's pirates all the same.
Arthur was a bold lad. He tied up to a wooden post below the lighthouse and listened.
Sure enough they heard the sound of pirates' voices.
First Pirate: They found it, you know, bo'sun m'dear.
Second Pirate: What did you call me, cap'n?
First Pirate: Sorry Mr Higgs. But I'm tellin' ye, they found it.
Second Pirate; Well that's a marvel, ain't it. The missin' particle. That'll change the laws of physics.
First Pirate. Nay. That supports the Standard Model. It don't change the laws of physics.
Second Pirate: Hush, cap'n! Did ye hear somethin'?
First Pirate: Aye, I did.
Ouvert looked at Arthur to see what he would do.
To his horror, Arthur stood up in the dingy, wobbling wildly, and shouted out AHOY!
He would need a boat to get out to the lighthouse.
Ouvert! he hissed.
Ouvert said nothing, hoping that Arthur would give up his crazy scheme.
Arthur pulled Ouvert roughly out of his pocket.
We need to borrow a boat, said Arthur.
Don't look at me, said Ouvert. It's far too dangerous. There's PIRATES!
Come on, said Arthur. Pirates? I don't believe it. Look there's a dinghy over there, I'm getting in.
He untied the dinghy and got in. He rowed out to the lighthouse. Ouvert was babbling something about the pirates, and the Phare du Bout du Monde.
Did you just say the Phare du Bout du Monde? said Arthur.
Yes, said Ouvert. That's what this is.
The Lighthouse at the End of the World? It can't be, said Arthur. It's at Cape Horn.
This is a fake one, said Ouvert, but there's pirates all the same.
Arthur was a bold lad. He tied up to a wooden post below the lighthouse and listened.
Sure enough they heard the sound of pirates' voices.
First Pirate: They found it, you know, bo'sun m'dear.
Second Pirate: What did you call me, cap'n?
First Pirate: Sorry Mr Higgs. But I'm tellin' ye, they found it.
Second Pirate; Well that's a marvel, ain't it. The missin' particle. That'll change the laws of physics.
First Pirate. Nay. That supports the Standard Model. It don't change the laws of physics.
Second Pirate: Hush, cap'n! Did ye hear somethin'?
First Pirate: Aye, I did.
Ouvert looked at Arthur to see what he would do.
To his horror, Arthur stood up in the dingy, wobbling wildly, and shouted out AHOY!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
To The Lighthouse
Ouvert was fuming. He must leave Pointe des Minimes at once! But it was dark. Ouvert pulled himself up onto a seat at the edge of the sand, under the pine trees. He unfolded the envelope gingerly.
He heard a slight cough. He peered into the darkness at the far end of the seat. There was a man sitting there. A man with wild hair. A boy, really. He looked something like Arthur.
Hello, said Arthur.
Arthur! said Ouvert. Is it really you?
Yes, said Arthur. I wondered if I'd find you here. I promised to take you to La Rochelle, remember?
And you didn't, said Ouvert.
I would have, said Arthur. If you'd waited.
I'm here, said Ouvert.
So am I, said Arthur. Are you pleased?
NO! said Ouvert. All the pebbles have changed, and don't know me. And nobody here has a name. I don't fit in any more.
Travel changes you, said Arthur. It's changed me as well.
Never mind about you, said Ouvert. This is about me.
Oh is it? said Arthur. What's that you've got there?
It's an envelope, said Ouvert. Belle et Bonne gave it to me. But it's wet.
Let me see, said Arthur. Hmm. It's too dark to read the address.
Address? said Ouvert. I thought I was meant to get in it, not deliver it.
Get in it? said Arthur. Alright, but you must want to know where it's going.
It isn't going anywhere, said Ouvert.
Yes it is, it's got stamps, said Arthur. I can see that much at least. But there must be a light somewhere. Yes look over there. There's a lighthouse. Come on.
He picked up Ouvert and shoved him into his pocket.
The pocket was full of dirty bandages. Ouvert had been there before. He ought to warn Arthur about the lighthouse, but needed to keep both mouths closed.
He heard a slight cough. He peered into the darkness at the far end of the seat. There was a man sitting there. A man with wild hair. A boy, really. He looked something like Arthur.
Hello, said Arthur.
Arthur! said Ouvert. Is it really you?
Yes, said Arthur. I wondered if I'd find you here. I promised to take you to La Rochelle, remember?
And you didn't, said Ouvert.
I would have, said Arthur. If you'd waited.
I'm here, said Ouvert.
So am I, said Arthur. Are you pleased?
NO! said Ouvert. All the pebbles have changed, and don't know me. And nobody here has a name. I don't fit in any more.
Travel changes you, said Arthur. It's changed me as well.
Never mind about you, said Ouvert. This is about me.
Oh is it? said Arthur. What's that you've got there?
It's an envelope, said Ouvert. Belle et Bonne gave it to me. But it's wet.
Let me see, said Arthur. Hmm. It's too dark to read the address.
Address? said Ouvert. I thought I was meant to get in it, not deliver it.
Get in it? said Arthur. Alright, but you must want to know where it's going.
It isn't going anywhere, said Ouvert.
Yes it is, it's got stamps, said Arthur. I can see that much at least. But there must be a light somewhere. Yes look over there. There's a lighthouse. Come on.
He picked up Ouvert and shoved him into his pocket.
The pocket was full of dirty bandages. Ouvert had been there before. He ought to warn Arthur about the lighthouse, but needed to keep both mouths closed.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Heavier Than Before
Ouvert was feeling pleased with himself. He had changed trains in Bordeau, without incident, and arrived in La Rochelle before dark. He had hopped on the Yelo to Pointe des Minimes. And now he was HOME!
He crossed the sand to the edge of the water, and looked around for his friends.
Hey! Yoohoo! said Ouvert. Where is everyone?
Who are you? said a little round pebble.
I'm Ouvert, said Ouvert. Don't you know me?
Who did he say? asked another round pebble, addressing the first pebble and ignoring Ouvert.
Mr High and Mighty, that's who, said the little round pebble.
I had friends around here, said Ouvert, crossly. And you two are not them!
Well, we live here now, said the little round pebble. And we've never seen you.
Look at me, said Ouvert. I'm the one with two mouths. Remember? One goes right through to the back and the other looks like a fishy grin.
He flashed them a fishy grin.
The little round pebble stared at the other little round pebble.
Does that ring a bell? asked the pebble.
No, said the other pebble. But he does have a fishy grin.
We don't hold with names here in Pointe des Minimes, said the first little round pebble. If you'd really lived here you wouldn't have one.
I've been away, said Ouvert, loudly. Margaret gave me a name. I went in a bag, all the way to Australia. I came back to France in a pocket. I was in the Tour de France. I met Bradley Wiggins. I made him win.
Are they pebbles? asked the little round pebble. Margaret and France and Australia?
And Bradley Wiggins, asked the other little round pebble. Is he a pebble?
NO! shouted Ouvert. I'd forgotten how stupid everyone was in Pointe des Minimes. I want to go home to....to.....my friend Arthur.
Arthur! sneered the little round pebble. I suppose that would be Arthur Rimbaud, the poet?
Ouvert was furious.
He marched back up the sand, dragging his folded up envelope. It was heavier than before.
It was wet.
He crossed the sand to the edge of the water, and looked around for his friends.
Hey! Yoohoo! said Ouvert. Where is everyone?
Who are you? said a little round pebble.
I'm Ouvert, said Ouvert. Don't you know me?
Who did he say? asked another round pebble, addressing the first pebble and ignoring Ouvert.
Mr High and Mighty, that's who, said the little round pebble.
I had friends around here, said Ouvert, crossly. And you two are not them!
Well, we live here now, said the little round pebble. And we've never seen you.
Look at me, said Ouvert. I'm the one with two mouths. Remember? One goes right through to the back and the other looks like a fishy grin.
He flashed them a fishy grin.
The little round pebble stared at the other little round pebble.
Does that ring a bell? asked the pebble.
No, said the other pebble. But he does have a fishy grin.
We don't hold with names here in Pointe des Minimes, said the first little round pebble. If you'd really lived here you wouldn't have one.
I've been away, said Ouvert, loudly. Margaret gave me a name. I went in a bag, all the way to Australia. I came back to France in a pocket. I was in the Tour de France. I met Bradley Wiggins. I made him win.
Are they pebbles? asked the little round pebble. Margaret and France and Australia?
And Bradley Wiggins, asked the other little round pebble. Is he a pebble?
NO! shouted Ouvert. I'd forgotten how stupid everyone was in Pointe des Minimes. I want to go home to....to.....my friend Arthur.
Arthur! sneered the little round pebble. I suppose that would be Arthur Rimbaud, the poet?
Ouvert was furious.
He marched back up the sand, dragging his folded up envelope. It was heavier than before.
It was wet.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Rambouillet to Paris Champs-Elysées: Wiggins
The Tour de France is over. Mark Cavendish has won the last stage. Bradley Wiggins has won the Tour. And they are both from Team Sky. Not everyone is excited.
Announcer: And the winner of the Tour de France 2012 is......Bradley Wiggins!
The crowd (clapping and cheering) : Yay! Bradley Wiggins! But we already knew he would win.
Sweezus: That's that then.
Arthur: How unutterably BORING!
Sweezus: Yeah, Bradley Wiggins. Don't come back next year.
Belle et Bonne: Shoosh, Sweezie. He'll hear you.
Gaius: He's getting down off the podium. He's coming over here!
Bradley Wiggins: I heard that. Don't you guys diss me. This is the best day of my life.
Sweezus: Sorry, Bradley Wiggins, but you wore the yellow jersey the whole time. And you had the best team. There was no competition. Anyway, congratulations. How do you feel?
Bradley Wiggins: I feel strangely surreal right now.
Arthur: Surreal? You could write a poem.
Bradley Wiggins: That's not something I'm good at.
Gaius: That doesn't stop Arthur.
Bradley Wiggins: Arthur. Oh yes, you're Arthur Rimbaud. Hey Arthur, I liked your poem VICTOIRE.
Arthur: I wrote it yesterday. It's not even finished.
Bradley Wiggins: It's all over the Tour. Everyone loved the probationary legs.
Gaius: Not everyone.
Bradley Wiggins: And spitting the dog into green gobbets. That was brill. Even though we all like dogs.
Sweezus: Yep! Arthur's awesome at poems. It was cathartic. I learned that in creative writing
Bradley Wiggins: I'd like to try creative writing. Yeah. It would be cathartic.
Arthur: I didn't write it to be CATHARTIC! I wrote it to be violent, and true.
Gaius: A writer can't always predict what his readers will think.
Arthur: I give up then. As of now. Immediately. That's it.
Belle et Bonne: No, Arthur dear, you mustn't give up. You'll be famous one day.
Arthur: I'm already famous. More famous than him.
Bradley Wiggins: Steady on, Arthur. Well, I'd better be off. Olympics next week. Goodbye everyone.
He walks off stiffly.
Announcer: And the winner of the Tour de France 2012 is......Bradley Wiggins!
The crowd (clapping and cheering) : Yay! Bradley Wiggins! But we already knew he would win.
Sweezus: That's that then.
Arthur: How unutterably BORING!
Sweezus: Yeah, Bradley Wiggins. Don't come back next year.
Belle et Bonne: Shoosh, Sweezie. He'll hear you.
Gaius: He's getting down off the podium. He's coming over here!
Bradley Wiggins: I heard that. Don't you guys diss me. This is the best day of my life.
Sweezus: Sorry, Bradley Wiggins, but you wore the yellow jersey the whole time. And you had the best team. There was no competition. Anyway, congratulations. How do you feel?
Bradley Wiggins: I feel strangely surreal right now.
Arthur: Surreal? You could write a poem.
Bradley Wiggins: That's not something I'm good at.
Gaius: That doesn't stop Arthur.
Bradley Wiggins: Arthur. Oh yes, you're Arthur Rimbaud. Hey Arthur, I liked your poem VICTOIRE.
Arthur: I wrote it yesterday. It's not even finished.
Bradley Wiggins: It's all over the Tour. Everyone loved the probationary legs.
Gaius: Not everyone.
Bradley Wiggins: And spitting the dog into green gobbets. That was brill. Even though we all like dogs.
Sweezus: Yep! Arthur's awesome at poems. It was cathartic. I learned that in creative writing
Bradley Wiggins: I'd like to try creative writing. Yeah. It would be cathartic.
Arthur: I didn't write it to be CATHARTIC! I wrote it to be violent, and true.
Gaius: A writer can't always predict what his readers will think.
Arthur: I give up then. As of now. Immediately. That's it.
Belle et Bonne: No, Arthur dear, you mustn't give up. You'll be famous one day.
Arthur: I'm already famous. More famous than him.
Bradley Wiggins: Steady on, Arthur. Well, I'd better be off. Olympics next week. Goodbye everyone.
He walks off stiffly.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Bonneval to Chartres: Luck Departs
Ouvert thought long and hard for five minutes, and decided to go home by himself on the train. Belle et Bonne gave him a lift to the station. As he boarded the train she handed him an envelope, folded up very small. Use this in an emergency, she said. Good luck, Ouvert, and goodbye. Whee! said Ouvert. Goodbye!
...........
And now it's the following day. It's Stage Nineteen, and the Tour is in Bonneval. The individual time trials have begun.
Arthur, Sweezus and Gaius are waiting for their turn to race. Arthur is telling the others he has almost finished his poem about winning.
Arthur: I've almost finished my poem about winning.
Sweezus: Spit it out then.
Gaius: Yes, let's hear it, young Arthur.
Arthur (clearing his throat): VICTOIRE. That's the title.
Gaius: Very good.
Arthur: Ahem! ....The probationary legs and nose of a reddish-brown dog snap at the rainbow wheels and we who were kings melt into twisted grey balls of razor wire suffering the sweet redness of pain. We reassemble ourselves biting at the dispensible dog, spitting him into green gobbets at the side of the road..... What do you think?
Sweezus: Awesome! I like the bits about the dog.
Gaius: Probationary legs?
Arthur: Good isn't it.
Gaius: I may be old-fashioned....
Sweezus: It reminds me of Farky.
Arthur: Who's Farky?
Sweezus: A dog. Friend of mine. He was our team mate. Anyway, he had difficulty riding a bike, and had to have multiple knee reconstructions.
Arthur: Multiple knee reconstructions? I need to meet Farky.
Sweezus: Come back with us after the Tour. You can meet Farky, and I'll teach you to surf. You can come with me to my creative writing classes too if you want.
Gaius: That's a good idea.
Arthur: Phutt!! But I'd like to meet Farky. I'll come.
Sweezus: Cool! Hey, it's us next and I'm on first! I feel lucky! Just watch me beat Bradley Wiggins!
...........
And now it's the following day. It's Stage Nineteen, and the Tour is in Bonneval. The individual time trials have begun.
Arthur, Sweezus and Gaius are waiting for their turn to race. Arthur is telling the others he has almost finished his poem about winning.
Arthur: I've almost finished my poem about winning.
Sweezus: Spit it out then.
Gaius: Yes, let's hear it, young Arthur.
Arthur (clearing his throat): VICTOIRE. That's the title.
Gaius: Very good.
Arthur: Ahem! ....The probationary legs and nose of a reddish-brown dog snap at the rainbow wheels and we who were kings melt into twisted grey balls of razor wire suffering the sweet redness of pain. We reassemble ourselves biting at the dispensible dog, spitting him into green gobbets at the side of the road..... What do you think?
Sweezus: Awesome! I like the bits about the dog.
Gaius: Probationary legs?
Arthur: Good isn't it.
Gaius: I may be old-fashioned....
Sweezus: It reminds me of Farky.
Arthur: Who's Farky?
Sweezus: A dog. Friend of mine. He was our team mate. Anyway, he had difficulty riding a bike, and had to have multiple knee reconstructions.
Arthur: Multiple knee reconstructions? I need to meet Farky.
Sweezus: Come back with us after the Tour. You can meet Farky, and I'll teach you to surf. You can come with me to my creative writing classes too if you want.
Gaius: That's a good idea.
Arthur: Phutt!! But I'd like to meet Farky. I'll come.
Sweezus: Cool! Hey, it's us next and I'm on first! I feel lucky! Just watch me beat Bradley Wiggins!
Blagnac to Brive-la-Gaillarde: He'll Never Get Home
Stage Eighteen, and the members of Team Philosophe are feeling positive. Sweezus's scratches are healing. Gaius's tummy is settled. Arthur is composing a poem in his head about winning. Belle et Bonne rides alongside, on the Vespa. Ouvert is glued to the map in her pocket.
One hundred and twenty kilometres out, a large dog runs on to the road, and causes a crash. Gilbert, Menchov, Farrar and Vichot fall off their bikes. Team Philosophe passes the melée unscathed.
Gaius: Phew! That was lucky!
Sweezus: Yeah! Far out! That could have been us.
Arthur: I thought you two were philosophers.
Ouvert (poking his head out of Belle et Bonne's pocket) : Ha-ha! Philosophers. Phoo!
Sweezus: It could have been us.
Arthur: No, it couldn't.
Gaius: If we'd been just two seconds faster........
Arthur: Exactly. That's just what I mean.
Ouvert: Hee-hee!
Belle et Bonne: Hush! Now Ouvert. I want you to think very hard about Brive-la-Gaillarde.
Ouvert: Hard, about Brive-la-Gaillarde. Whee! Poetry, Arthur. What do you think?
Arthur: I'm a modernist. I never rhyme.
Gaius: Never rhyme! What sort of poems do you write?
Arthur: They're in the form of prose.
Sweezus: So how are they poems?
Arthur: The prose is poetic.
Ouvert: Poetic and pathetic! Poetry, Arthur!
Arthur: That's not a rhyme.
Ouvert: Yes it is! Isn't it Belle et Bonne?
Belle et Bonne: This is counter-productive. Team Philosophe, put your heads down and ride faster. See Mark Cavendish up ahead? Try and catch him. As for you Ouvert, are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you want to go home?
Ouvert: Home, home! I want to go home on the train.
Belle et Bonne: By yourself? Changing at Bordeau?
Ouvert (looking alarmed): Aren't you coming with me?
Belle et Bonne: No. I'm going to Paris. Would you like me to post you instead?
Ouvert: Post me? No way! Boo-hoo! I'll never get home!
One hundred and twenty kilometres out, a large dog runs on to the road, and causes a crash. Gilbert, Menchov, Farrar and Vichot fall off their bikes. Team Philosophe passes the melée unscathed.
Gaius: Phew! That was lucky!
Sweezus: Yeah! Far out! That could have been us.
Arthur: I thought you two were philosophers.
Ouvert (poking his head out of Belle et Bonne's pocket) : Ha-ha! Philosophers. Phoo!
Sweezus: It could have been us.
Arthur: No, it couldn't.
Gaius: If we'd been just two seconds faster........
Arthur: Exactly. That's just what I mean.
Ouvert: Hee-hee!
Belle et Bonne: Hush! Now Ouvert. I want you to think very hard about Brive-la-Gaillarde.
Ouvert: Hard, about Brive-la-Gaillarde. Whee! Poetry, Arthur. What do you think?
Arthur: I'm a modernist. I never rhyme.
Gaius: Never rhyme! What sort of poems do you write?
Arthur: They're in the form of prose.
Sweezus: So how are they poems?
Arthur: The prose is poetic.
Ouvert: Poetic and pathetic! Poetry, Arthur!
Arthur: That's not a rhyme.
Ouvert: Yes it is! Isn't it Belle et Bonne?
Belle et Bonne: This is counter-productive. Team Philosophe, put your heads down and ride faster. See Mark Cavendish up ahead? Try and catch him. As for you Ouvert, are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you want to go home?
Ouvert: Home, home! I want to go home on the train.
Belle et Bonne: By yourself? Changing at Bordeau?
Ouvert (looking alarmed): Aren't you coming with me?
Belle et Bonne: No. I'm going to Paris. Would you like me to post you instead?
Ouvert: Post me? No way! Boo-hoo! I'll never get home!
Friday, July 20, 2012
Luchon to Peyragudes: Who Just Whizzed By?
Sweezus was involved in a crash yesterday. But Belle et Bonne had ridden up on her Vespa, bandaged his knees and elbows, and set him back up again. He had finished in a creditable time.
Today is Stage Seventeen, from Luchon to Peyragudes. Sweezus is riding courageously with the rest of the Team. Belle et Bonne is riding close behind in case he needs help. She has Ouvert in her pocket.
Belle et Bonne: Are you okay, Sweezie? Do you need anything?
Sweezus: No, thanks, Belle. I'm good.
Ouvert: He's good!
Belle et Bonne: Keep still, Ouvert.
Ouvert: I'm trying to look at this map.
Arthur: What did he say?
Belle et Bonne: He's good.
Arthur: I mean Ouvert. What did he say?
Belle et Bonne: That IS what he said.
Arthur: I mean after that. About a map.
Belle et Bonne: Ouvert's trying to look at a map.
Arthur: Is he still trying to get to La Rochelle?
Ouvert: YES! La Rochelle.
Gaius: I couldn't help overhearing. Has Ouvert got a map?
Belle et Bonne: No, I've got a map. In my pocket. Ouvert just happens to be there.
Arthur: But he's looking at it.
Ouvert; I'm TRYING to look at it.
Sweezus: Oooh, my elbow!
Belle et Bonne: Hold still, Sweezie dear, I'll change your bandage. Pedal slowly and hang on to the Vespa.
Ouvert: Ah, now I can see it. Hey! Nobody told me we go through Brive-la-Gaillarde tomorrow! That's near my home. I can get the train to Bordeau. Then on to La Rochelle. Wheeee!
Belle et Bonne: Yes, it's closer from Brive than from Pau.
Ouvert: So you knew!
Belle et Bonne: And I know something else about you. That's why I didn't say anything. Oh, hold still Sweezie! Who's that just whizzed by?
Arthur: Alejandro Valverde. Don't worry about him. It's not like he has Ouvert in his pocket..........
Today is Stage Seventeen, from Luchon to Peyragudes. Sweezus is riding courageously with the rest of the Team. Belle et Bonne is riding close behind in case he needs help. She has Ouvert in her pocket.
Belle et Bonne: Are you okay, Sweezie? Do you need anything?
Sweezus: No, thanks, Belle. I'm good.
Ouvert: He's good!
Belle et Bonne: Keep still, Ouvert.
Ouvert: I'm trying to look at this map.
Arthur: What did he say?
Belle et Bonne: He's good.
Arthur: I mean Ouvert. What did he say?
Belle et Bonne: That IS what he said.
Arthur: I mean after that. About a map.
Belle et Bonne: Ouvert's trying to look at a map.
Arthur: Is he still trying to get to La Rochelle?
Ouvert: YES! La Rochelle.
Gaius: I couldn't help overhearing. Has Ouvert got a map?
Belle et Bonne: No, I've got a map. In my pocket. Ouvert just happens to be there.
Arthur: But he's looking at it.
Ouvert; I'm TRYING to look at it.
Sweezus: Oooh, my elbow!
Belle et Bonne: Hold still, Sweezie dear, I'll change your bandage. Pedal slowly and hang on to the Vespa.
Ouvert: Ah, now I can see it. Hey! Nobody told me we go through Brive-la-Gaillarde tomorrow! That's near my home. I can get the train to Bordeau. Then on to La Rochelle. Wheeee!
Belle et Bonne: Yes, it's closer from Brive than from Pau.
Ouvert: So you knew!
Belle et Bonne: And I know something else about you. That's why I didn't say anything. Oh, hold still Sweezie! Who's that just whizzed by?
Arthur: Alejandro Valverde. Don't worry about him. It's not like he has Ouvert in his pocket..........
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Pau to Bagnères-de-Luchon: Tight Unit
Stage Sixteen has four steep mountain climbs. And the luck is certainly off. Frank Schleck is on his way home. Cadel Evans has a stomach upset. Gaius has the runs. He blames it on the duck.
Team Philosophe is riding as a tight unit once again, thanks to Belle et Bonne's picnic intervention. Ouvert is now esconced safely in her pocket.
Team Philosophe is half way up the Col du Tourmalet.
Sweezus: What's up Gaius?
Gaius: The runs. I blame it on the duck.
Sweezus: You might as well blame it on the chicken in a pot, or the foie gras, or ......
Gaius: Ugggh! Don't remind me.
Arthur: Or the custard!
Gaius: Shut up! Anyway I didn't have any custard.
Arthur: Yes you did. You had more than me.
Sweezus: This Col du Tourmalet is a killer. Has anyone got a Power Bar?
Gaius: Eeeeuuuwugh! Ugh! Acchh!
Arthur: Gaius, hadn't you better drop off?
Gaius (valiantly) : No. I'll see it through to the end.
They ride up the hill in silence, except for puffing, and occasional exhalations of gas.
They reach the summit, and begin coasting down the other side of the Col du Tourmalet.
Sweezus: I like this part.
Arthur: Me too. It's dangerous.
Sweezus: Yeah. Good on you Arthur. You've grown up a lot in the last few days.
Arthur: What do you mean?
Sweezus: You've stopped spouting poetry. And you changed your attitude to Ouvert. In a good way.
Arthur: Thanks Sweezo. So have you.
Sweezus: That's a joke, right?
Gaius: Ahem!
Arthur: A joke, yes. Hey, look down there! Is that Thomas Voeckler? He's miles in front.
Sweezus: Don't worry. There's two more mountains to go. He'll conk out. It's not like he's got Ouvert in his pocket.
Arthur: Yeah. It's not like he's got Ouvert in his pocket.
Gaius: Lucky Belle et Bonne can't hear you two talk.
Sweezus: Yes, lucky her......ooooah! Yikes! Sheez!
He clips a railing and crashes to the ground.
Team Philosophe is riding as a tight unit once again, thanks to Belle et Bonne's picnic intervention. Ouvert is now esconced safely in her pocket.
Team Philosophe is half way up the Col du Tourmalet.
Sweezus: What's up Gaius?
Gaius: The runs. I blame it on the duck.
Sweezus: You might as well blame it on the chicken in a pot, or the foie gras, or ......
Gaius: Ugggh! Don't remind me.
Arthur: Or the custard!
Gaius: Shut up! Anyway I didn't have any custard.
Arthur: Yes you did. You had more than me.
Sweezus: This Col du Tourmalet is a killer. Has anyone got a Power Bar?
Gaius: Eeeeuuuwugh! Ugh! Acchh!
Arthur: Gaius, hadn't you better drop off?
Gaius (valiantly) : No. I'll see it through to the end.
They ride up the hill in silence, except for puffing, and occasional exhalations of gas.
They reach the summit, and begin coasting down the other side of the Col du Tourmalet.
Sweezus: I like this part.
Arthur: Me too. It's dangerous.
Sweezus: Yeah. Good on you Arthur. You've grown up a lot in the last few days.
Arthur: What do you mean?
Sweezus: You've stopped spouting poetry. And you changed your attitude to Ouvert. In a good way.
Arthur: Thanks Sweezo. So have you.
Sweezus: That's a joke, right?
Gaius: Ahem!
Arthur: A joke, yes. Hey, look down there! Is that Thomas Voeckler? He's miles in front.
Sweezus: Don't worry. There's two more mountains to go. He'll conk out. It's not like he's got Ouvert in his pocket.
Arthur: Yeah. It's not like he's got Ouvert in his pocket.
Gaius: Lucky Belle et Bonne can't hear you two talk.
Sweezus: Yes, lucky her......ooooah! Yikes! Sheez!
He clips a railing and crashes to the ground.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Rest Day in Pau: Luck's Off
It is a rest day, and Belle et Bonne has organised another picnic. Gaius, Sweezus, Arthur, Belle et Bonne and Ouvert are sitting on a picnic rug in the beautiful grounds of the Chateau de Pau. Belle et Bonne opens the hamper.
Sweezus: What's for lunch?
Belle et Bonne: Specialties of the region. Foie gras, magret de canard, jambon de Bayonne, also a whole chicken cooked in a pot, a duck and bean stew, and brebis cheeses. With a dry Jurançon to wash it down.
Enjoy the feast!
Gaius: It looks wonderful. I'll have some of everything. Hand me a plate.
Arthur: What's for dessert?
Belle et Bonne: A surprise. It's Sweezus's favourite.
Arthur: What about MY favourite?
Belle et Bonne : What's your favourite?
Arthur: Custard.
Belle et Bonne: Wait and see. Now has everyone got something to eat? Ouvert has something to say.
Ouvert: What is it?
Belle et Bonne: You remember. About luck.
Ouvert: Pooh! I 'm not going to say it.
Belle et Bonne: Very well. After lunch I shall take you directly to the station and put you on a train.
Ouvert: To La Rochelle! Wheee!
Belle et Bonne: No, not to La Rochelle. To Bordeau.
Ouvert: That's not fair.
Belle et Bonne: You're causing far too much trouble and upset amongst the team, and the rest of the Tour.
Arthur: I promised to take him to La Rochelle.
Sweezus: I'll take him!
Gaius: No! No one leaves Pau!
Sweezus: Wooo, Gaius! Heavy!
There is a long silence, broken only by the sounds of Gaius, chewing duck.
Ouvert: Alright, I'll say it!
Belle et Bonne; Go on.
Ouvert: Luck's off.
Belle et Bonne: I hope everyone heard that. Now for dessert.
Arthur: Is it custard?
Sweezus: That's not my favourite.
Belle et Bonne: It's macarons, from Paris. Red, green and yellow ones. And the yellow ones have custard inside.
Arthur: Hurrah! Who said luck's off?
Sweezus: What's for lunch?
Belle et Bonne: Specialties of the region. Foie gras, magret de canard, jambon de Bayonne, also a whole chicken cooked in a pot, a duck and bean stew, and brebis cheeses. With a dry Jurançon to wash it down.
Enjoy the feast!
Gaius: It looks wonderful. I'll have some of everything. Hand me a plate.
Arthur: What's for dessert?
Belle et Bonne: A surprise. It's Sweezus's favourite.
Arthur: What about MY favourite?
Belle et Bonne : What's your favourite?
Arthur: Custard.
Belle et Bonne: Wait and see. Now has everyone got something to eat? Ouvert has something to say.
Ouvert: What is it?
Belle et Bonne: You remember. About luck.
Ouvert: Pooh! I 'm not going to say it.
Belle et Bonne: Very well. After lunch I shall take you directly to the station and put you on a train.
Ouvert: To La Rochelle! Wheee!
Belle et Bonne: No, not to La Rochelle. To Bordeau.
Ouvert: That's not fair.
Belle et Bonne: You're causing far too much trouble and upset amongst the team, and the rest of the Tour.
Arthur: I promised to take him to La Rochelle.
Sweezus: I'll take him!
Gaius: No! No one leaves Pau!
Sweezus: Wooo, Gaius! Heavy!
There is a long silence, broken only by the sounds of Gaius, chewing duck.
Ouvert: Alright, I'll say it!
Belle et Bonne; Go on.
Ouvert: Luck's off.
Belle et Bonne: I hope everyone heard that. Now for dessert.
Arthur: Is it custard?
Sweezus: That's not my favourite.
Belle et Bonne: It's macarons, from Paris. Red, green and yellow ones. And the yellow ones have custard inside.
Arthur: Hurrah! Who said luck's off?
Monday, July 16, 2012
Samatan to Pau: Kindness
Stage Fifteen, Samatan to Pau. The Tour is in the Pyrenees. The race today is uninspiring and predictable. Gaius is riding by himself. Belle et Bonne rides up behind him on a red Vespa, to give him some encourgement, and food.
Belle et Bonne: Gaius! Would you like a Power Bar?
Gaius ( sighing and taking a Power Bar): Yes, thank you, Belle et Bonne.
Belle et Bonne: What's up Gaius?
Gaius: The team is falling apart. Where's Arthur? And Sweezus, I haven't seen him since yesterday.
Belle et Bonne: Arthur got lost up in the Pyrenees, looking for Ouvert. But he's back in the peloton today.
Gaius: And where's that trouble-maker Ouvert?
Belle et Bonne: Rumour has it that he's still in Luis-Leon Sanchez's pocket, because Luis-Leon promised to take him all the way to Pau.
Gaius: But we're ALL going all the way to Pau!
Belle et Bonne: Ouvert wouldn't know. Would you like an electrolytic drink?
Gaius: Yes, please!
Belle et Bonne: Here.
Gaius: Thanks.
(He drinks).
Gaius: Ahhh! Very nice. I do like electrolytes.
Belle et Bonne: I know. So does Sweezus. I wonder where he is?
Gaius: Probably looking for Ouvert. He didn't learn a thing from what you said. He still thinks Ouvert will bring him luck.
Belle et Bonne: You ought to have a word with him.
Gaius: Humph!
Belle et Bonne: What's that supposed to mean?
Gaius: Why don't YOU? You're going to be the new team leader.
Belle et Bonne: Whoever told you that? You're a wonderful team leader! You just need to find your team again, that's all. I'll tell you what. Tomorrow is a rest day in Pau. We'll have another picnic, and the whole team will be invited. I'll even invite Ouvert, and then we'll settle everything.
Gaius: Oh good. You know, Belle, you would be a good team leader.
Belle et Bonne: If it were not for you, I would.
Gaius: You are kind, my dear.
He rides on thoughtfully.
Pierrick Fedrigo of FDJ BigMat passes him at top speed. With form like that Gaius thinks Pierrick may well win the stage.
He wonders if Ouvert has once again jumped pocket.
Belle et Bonne: Gaius! Would you like a Power Bar?
Gaius ( sighing and taking a Power Bar): Yes, thank you, Belle et Bonne.
Belle et Bonne: What's up Gaius?
Gaius: The team is falling apart. Where's Arthur? And Sweezus, I haven't seen him since yesterday.
Belle et Bonne: Arthur got lost up in the Pyrenees, looking for Ouvert. But he's back in the peloton today.
Gaius: And where's that trouble-maker Ouvert?
Belle et Bonne: Rumour has it that he's still in Luis-Leon Sanchez's pocket, because Luis-Leon promised to take him all the way to Pau.
Gaius: But we're ALL going all the way to Pau!
Belle et Bonne: Ouvert wouldn't know. Would you like an electrolytic drink?
Gaius: Yes, please!
Belle et Bonne: Here.
Gaius: Thanks.
(He drinks).
Gaius: Ahhh! Very nice. I do like electrolytes.
Belle et Bonne: I know. So does Sweezus. I wonder where he is?
Gaius: Probably looking for Ouvert. He didn't learn a thing from what you said. He still thinks Ouvert will bring him luck.
Belle et Bonne: You ought to have a word with him.
Gaius: Humph!
Belle et Bonne: What's that supposed to mean?
Gaius: Why don't YOU? You're going to be the new team leader.
Belle et Bonne: Whoever told you that? You're a wonderful team leader! You just need to find your team again, that's all. I'll tell you what. Tomorrow is a rest day in Pau. We'll have another picnic, and the whole team will be invited. I'll even invite Ouvert, and then we'll settle everything.
Gaius: Oh good. You know, Belle, you would be a good team leader.
Belle et Bonne: If it were not for you, I would.
Gaius: You are kind, my dear.
He rides on thoughtfully.
Pierrick Fedrigo of FDJ BigMat passes him at top speed. With form like that Gaius thinks Pierrick may well win the stage.
He wonders if Ouvert has once again jumped pocket.
Limoux to Foix: Skulduggery
Stage Fourteen. Someone puts tacks on the road. Sweezus and Cadel Evans suffer multiple punctures. The group led by Bradley Wiggins waits for them to catch up.
Bradley Wiggins: Let's wait for them to catch up.
The rest of the group (in unison): Yes let's. It's the right thing to do.
..........
Sweezus and Cadel are riding as fast as they can on their new tyres, to catch up with the peloton.
Sweezus: How un-awesome was that!
Cadel (sniffling): Awful! Who would drop tacks on the road?
Sweezus: Don't worry. We'll catch up. They're waiting for us up ahead.
Cadel: Cool. They didn't have to.
Sweezus: But they did.
...........
Meanwhile Arthur has left the race altogether. He is looking all over for Ouvert. He climbs the steep mountains of the Pyrenees searching among the stone ruins of crumbling tenth century chateaux.
But Ouvert is not there.
...........
Gaius too is looking for Ouvert. He suspects him of foul play. If Ouvert is responsible for him being demoted from his position as team leader of Team Philosophe, then Ouvert needs to be deactivated. If Ouvert is responsible for Bradley Wiggins' ongoing good luck, then he needs to be repossessed. If Ouvert has put tacks on the road, then Ouvert needs to be whisked out of the picture as soon as possible, due to his former association with Team Philosophe. If....if...if... the thoughts tumble round in his head.
..........
And where is Ouvert?
He is snug in the pocket of Luis-Leon Sanchez, who is winning the stage, and has promised to take him to Pau.
Bradley Wiggins: Let's wait for them to catch up.
The rest of the group (in unison): Yes let's. It's the right thing to do.
..........
Sweezus and Cadel are riding as fast as they can on their new tyres, to catch up with the peloton.
Sweezus: How un-awesome was that!
Cadel (sniffling): Awful! Who would drop tacks on the road?
Sweezus: Don't worry. We'll catch up. They're waiting for us up ahead.
Cadel: Cool. They didn't have to.
Sweezus: But they did.
...........
Meanwhile Arthur has left the race altogether. He is looking all over for Ouvert. He climbs the steep mountains of the Pyrenees searching among the stone ruins of crumbling tenth century chateaux.
But Ouvert is not there.
...........
Gaius too is looking for Ouvert. He suspects him of foul play. If Ouvert is responsible for him being demoted from his position as team leader of Team Philosophe, then Ouvert needs to be deactivated. If Ouvert is responsible for Bradley Wiggins' ongoing good luck, then he needs to be repossessed. If Ouvert has put tacks on the road, then Ouvert needs to be whisked out of the picture as soon as possible, due to his former association with Team Philosophe. If....if...if... the thoughts tumble round in his head.
..........
And where is Ouvert?
He is snug in the pocket of Luis-Leon Sanchez, who is winning the stage, and has promised to take him to Pau.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Saint-Paul-Trois-Chateaux to Cap d'Agde: Rumours
There was an exciting finish to Stage Thirteen. Andre Greipel pipped Peter Sagan to win in the final seconds.
Phil Liggett: What an exciting finish! Andre Greipel wins the stage! And Bradley Wiggins retains the yellow jersey! There'll be celebrations tonight in the Lotto-Belisol and Sky teams.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, it makes you wonder who had the lucky stone in his pocket today.
Phil Liggett: There will be plenty of discussion about that, no doubt. I hear Team Philosophe is thinking of lodging a protest.
Paul Sherwen: Indeed they are. The lucky stone was theirs originally, until that unfortunate incident the other day.
Phil Liggett: Yes, Team Philosophe's hopes of winning a stage are looking pretty dim, unless they can get their precious Ouvert back. I believe their youngest team member Arthur Rimbaud is particularly cut up.
Paul Sherwen: He is. He promised to take Ouvert back to La Rochelle.
Phil Liggett: And yet La Rochelle isn't on the Tour de France route this year.
Paul Sherwen: I don't think young Arthur knew that. He'll need to get Ouvert back before the Tour gets to Pau.
Phil Liggett: It would certainly be the closest point to La Rochelle. I hear Sweezus is keen to recover Ouvert for less noble reasons.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, according to Gaius, their team leader.
Phil Liggett: He told you that, Paul?
Paul Sherwen: Let's say I overheard it.
Phil Liggett: And I heard that Gaius may be going to be replaced by a woman.
Paul Sherwen: Nothing but idle gossip, that one, Phil, I'm sure.
Phil Liggett: What an exciting finish! Andre Greipel wins the stage! And Bradley Wiggins retains the yellow jersey! There'll be celebrations tonight in the Lotto-Belisol and Sky teams.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, it makes you wonder who had the lucky stone in his pocket today.
Phil Liggett: There will be plenty of discussion about that, no doubt. I hear Team Philosophe is thinking of lodging a protest.
Paul Sherwen: Indeed they are. The lucky stone was theirs originally, until that unfortunate incident the other day.
Phil Liggett: Yes, Team Philosophe's hopes of winning a stage are looking pretty dim, unless they can get their precious Ouvert back. I believe their youngest team member Arthur Rimbaud is particularly cut up.
Paul Sherwen: He is. He promised to take Ouvert back to La Rochelle.
Phil Liggett: And yet La Rochelle isn't on the Tour de France route this year.
Paul Sherwen: I don't think young Arthur knew that. He'll need to get Ouvert back before the Tour gets to Pau.
Phil Liggett: It would certainly be the closest point to La Rochelle. I hear Sweezus is keen to recover Ouvert for less noble reasons.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, according to Gaius, their team leader.
Phil Liggett: He told you that, Paul?
Paul Sherwen: Let's say I overheard it.
Phil Liggett: And I heard that Gaius may be going to be replaced by a woman.
Paul Sherwen: Nothing but idle gossip, that one, Phil, I'm sure.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne to Annonay: Breaking Up
Stage Twelve, from Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne to Annonay, is over. Gaius is Skyping with The VeloDrone and Le Bon David, who are now back at home.
Gaius: Hello, hello! Are you there, Vello and David? I can't see you!
The VeloDrone: You must have pressed the wrong button. Try calling again.
Gaius: Oh alright. These modern inventions! Too many buttons and not enough....oh there you are. I see you now. Can you see me? How are you David? Feeling better?
Le Bon David: Not too bad, thank you, Gaius. But I'm on lots of pills.
Gaius: Very good, very good. Lots of pills. That will fix you.
Le Bon David: That's what I'm afraid of.
The VeloDrone: How's the Tour going? We haven't seen much of you.
Gaius: I've had some bad luck. Ouvert was in my pocket for the first few stages. I had no idea.
The VeloDrone: Ouvert! I thought he was meant to be lucky.
Gaius: He's just out for himself. Even Arthur has given him up. But I'm not so sure about Sweezus.
Le Bon David: Sweezus! That young man has a sensible head on his shoulders.
The VeloDrone: Not always, David. Remember the birds.....
Le Bon David: Pecking his head? And he lost it. Hee-hee, yes.
Gaius: I think Sweezus wants Ouvert for himself. Even though Belle et Bonne taught us a new way of looking at luck. I could tell Sweezus wasn't convinced.
The VeloDrone: Keep an eye on him, Gaius.
Gaius: I can't. I don't know where he is. I don't know where Arthur is either.
The VeloDrone: But Gaius, you're the team leader.
Gaius: Sorry boys, you're breaking up......must go now....all the best....goodbye now, good bye, goodbye.........
He disappears from the screen.
Le Bon David: Most unsatisfactory.
The Velodrone: I must call Belle et Bonne
Gaius: Hello, hello! Are you there, Vello and David? I can't see you!
The VeloDrone: You must have pressed the wrong button. Try calling again.
Gaius: Oh alright. These modern inventions! Too many buttons and not enough....oh there you are. I see you now. Can you see me? How are you David? Feeling better?
Le Bon David: Not too bad, thank you, Gaius. But I'm on lots of pills.
Gaius: Very good, very good. Lots of pills. That will fix you.
Le Bon David: That's what I'm afraid of.
The VeloDrone: How's the Tour going? We haven't seen much of you.
Gaius: I've had some bad luck. Ouvert was in my pocket for the first few stages. I had no idea.
The VeloDrone: Ouvert! I thought he was meant to be lucky.
Gaius: He's just out for himself. Even Arthur has given him up. But I'm not so sure about Sweezus.
Le Bon David: Sweezus! That young man has a sensible head on his shoulders.
The VeloDrone: Not always, David. Remember the birds.....
Le Bon David: Pecking his head? And he lost it. Hee-hee, yes.
Gaius: I think Sweezus wants Ouvert for himself. Even though Belle et Bonne taught us a new way of looking at luck. I could tell Sweezus wasn't convinced.
The VeloDrone: Keep an eye on him, Gaius.
Gaius: I can't. I don't know where he is. I don't know where Arthur is either.
The VeloDrone: But Gaius, you're the team leader.
Gaius: Sorry boys, you're breaking up......must go now....all the best....goodbye now, good bye, goodbye.........
He disappears from the screen.
Le Bon David: Most unsatisfactory.
The Velodrone: I must call Belle et Bonne
Friday, July 13, 2012
Albertville to La Toussuire: Legend
It's Stage Eleven. Sweezus is not convinced that Ouvert has nothing to do with Bradley Wiggins' success. He resolves to try and retrieve Ouvert for himself.
After all, thinks Sweezus as he pedals up the first of the four mountain climbs of the stage, I deserve a little bit of luck. I haven't had any luck for ages.
He passes Cadel Evans. Cadel is riding doggedly, head down. He looks up as Sweezus passes.
Cadel Evans: Hey! You from Team Philosophe! What's your name?
Sweezus: Sweezus.
Cadel Evans: Sweezus. That's pretty cool. It rhymes with.....
Sweezus: Yeah, that's my other name.
Cadel Evans: Jesus!
Sweezus: Yep. Sweezus is my Twitter name.
Cadel Evans: So you've got special powers.
Sweezus: Shit no!
Cadel Evans (sighing): You and me both. But Bradley Wiggins......
Sweezus: He's got Ouvert.
Cadel Evans (hopefully): What's that, some sort of injury?
Sweezus: It's our lucky stone.
Cadel Evans: Woweee! The philosopher's stone.
Sweezus: Well, Ouvert's in Bradley Wiggins' pocket.
Cadel Evans: Let's catch up with Bradley Wiggins.
Sweezus: Yeah! Awesome!
Cadel Evans: It's cheating to have a lucky stone.
Sweezus; Exactly. Yep. It is. Hey! Who's that?
A rider passes them.
Cadel Evans: Pierre Rolland. Don't worry about him.
.....
Cadel and Sweezus spend the rest of the stage trying to catch up with Bradley Wiggins. They overextend themselves and never do catch up.
Pierre Rolland wins the stage and Bradley Wiggins increases his lead over Cadel.
The legend of Ouvert spreads throughout the Tour.
After all, thinks Sweezus as he pedals up the first of the four mountain climbs of the stage, I deserve a little bit of luck. I haven't had any luck for ages.
He passes Cadel Evans. Cadel is riding doggedly, head down. He looks up as Sweezus passes.
Cadel Evans: Hey! You from Team Philosophe! What's your name?
Sweezus: Sweezus.
Cadel Evans: Sweezus. That's pretty cool. It rhymes with.....
Sweezus: Yeah, that's my other name.
Cadel Evans: Jesus!
Sweezus: Yep. Sweezus is my Twitter name.
Cadel Evans: So you've got special powers.
Sweezus: Shit no!
Cadel Evans (sighing): You and me both. But Bradley Wiggins......
Sweezus: He's got Ouvert.
Cadel Evans (hopefully): What's that, some sort of injury?
Sweezus: It's our lucky stone.
Cadel Evans: Woweee! The philosopher's stone.
Sweezus: Well, Ouvert's in Bradley Wiggins' pocket.
Cadel Evans: Let's catch up with Bradley Wiggins.
Sweezus: Yeah! Awesome!
Cadel Evans: It's cheating to have a lucky stone.
Sweezus; Exactly. Yep. It is. Hey! Who's that?
A rider passes them.
Cadel Evans: Pierre Rolland. Don't worry about him.
.....
Cadel and Sweezus spend the rest of the stage trying to catch up with Bradley Wiggins. They overextend themselves and never do catch up.
Pierre Rolland wins the stage and Bradley Wiggins increases his lead over Cadel.
The legend of Ouvert spreads throughout the Tour.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Maçon to Bellegarde-sur-Valserine: Changes
Stage Ten, and Arthur is a new man. Although as a rule he doesn't like girls, he has become very fond of Belle-et-Bonne. Thanks to her, Arthur thinks he now understands the nature of luck. Proper luck is random. That's what she had said. How wise she was, and what a delightful picnic she had made.
He feels differently towards Ouvert as well. He'd promised to take Ouvert to La Rochelle. Where was La Rochelle anyway? Never mind, a promise was a promise. He ought to recover Ouvert.
He rides up behind Bradley Wiggins, something not easy to do.
Arthur Rimbaud: Bradley! Bradley Wiggins!
Bradley Wiggins: Yes?
Arthur Rimbaud: Thanks for picking up my lucky stone the other day.
Bradley Wiggins: Don't mention it. He brought me good luck.
Arthur Rimbaud: Can I have him back?
Bradley Wiggins: No way!
Bradley Wiggins steams ahead, leaving Arthur behind.
Up rides Thomas Voeckler.
Thomas Voeckler: Pufff...huh....pufff...huh...
Arthur Rimbaud: Running out of puff?
Thomas Voeckler: Cheeky little twerp. I've got a sore knee. Get out of my way.
Arthur Rimbaud: A sore knee? I have a sore knee. I may lose it one day.
Thomas Voeckler: Who are you?
Arthur Rimbaud: Arthur Rimbaud, Team Philosophe. You've probably heard of me.
Thomas Voeckler: Yes! You had that lucky stone. The one Bradley Wiggins has got.
Arthur Rimbaud: And I want it back, but not for the reason you think.
Thomas Voeckler: Tell.
Arthur: I promised to take it to La Rochelle. As for the luck thing, proper luck is random.
Thomas Voeckler: Hey! You're right! So it is. Well, I'm off .....puff..... huh......pufff
............
And having learned this, Thomas Voeckler goes on to win both the stage and the polkadot jersey.
He feels differently towards Ouvert as well. He'd promised to take Ouvert to La Rochelle. Where was La Rochelle anyway? Never mind, a promise was a promise. He ought to recover Ouvert.
He rides up behind Bradley Wiggins, something not easy to do.
Arthur Rimbaud: Bradley! Bradley Wiggins!
Bradley Wiggins: Yes?
Arthur Rimbaud: Thanks for picking up my lucky stone the other day.
Bradley Wiggins: Don't mention it. He brought me good luck.
Arthur Rimbaud: Can I have him back?
Bradley Wiggins: No way!
Bradley Wiggins steams ahead, leaving Arthur behind.
Up rides Thomas Voeckler.
Thomas Voeckler: Pufff...huh....pufff...huh...
Arthur Rimbaud: Running out of puff?
Thomas Voeckler: Cheeky little twerp. I've got a sore knee. Get out of my way.
Arthur Rimbaud: A sore knee? I have a sore knee. I may lose it one day.
Thomas Voeckler: Who are you?
Arthur Rimbaud: Arthur Rimbaud, Team Philosophe. You've probably heard of me.
Thomas Voeckler: Yes! You had that lucky stone. The one Bradley Wiggins has got.
Arthur Rimbaud: And I want it back, but not for the reason you think.
Thomas Voeckler: Tell.
Arthur: I promised to take it to La Rochelle. As for the luck thing, proper luck is random.
Thomas Voeckler: Hey! You're right! So it is. Well, I'm off .....puff..... huh......pufff
............
And having learned this, Thomas Voeckler goes on to win both the stage and the polkadot jersey.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Rest Day at Maçon: A Picnic
It's a rest day. Everyone is in Maçon. Belle et Bonne has organised a picnic lunch for Team Philosophe in a field of buttercups just outside the town. Gaius is there. Sweezus is there. Arthur is over at the edge of the field sulking, and Overt is nowhere to be seen.
Belle et Bonne: Arthur! Come over here! We're ready to eat.
No response from Arthur.
Sweezus: He's upset.
Belle et Bonne: About losing Ouvert?
Sweezus: About you. He's afraid you think he hasn't done enough to deserve the picnic.
Belle et Bonne: Ahh! How sweet.
She goes over to Arthur.
Gaius: Look at this wonderful picnic. What do you think those are?
Sweezus: Andouillettes, and some other sausagey things.
Gaius (biting into an andouillette): Well, this is very nice. I wonder what it's made of?
Arthur (approaching sheepishly, and giggling) : Pigs' intestines.
Gaius: Yum! Just what I like.
Sweezus: I like these ones better. With pistachios and truffles.
Belle et Bonne: They're all local specialties. We also have red cheeses, chard, mountain ham, mountain honey, wild strawberries and almond meringues filled with butter cream and pieces of nougat. And of course Beaujolais to wash it all down.
Gaius: This is the life. Lucky us.
Belle et Bonne: Yes, lucky you. I don't want to hear any more nonsense about lucky stones. Lucky stones have no influence on proper luck.
Arthur: What's proper luck?
Belle et Bonne: It's random. You can't put it in your pocket.
Sweezus: I don't know. Bradley Wiggins has got Ouvert now. And he won the stage yesterday.
Gaius: Ridiculous! That fool Ouvert is becoming quite famous. Everyone wants a piece of him. If I ever get him back I've a good mind to smash him into pieces and sell the bits to whoever wants....
Belle et Bonne: Gaius!
Gaius: Sorry. Just rambling, Belle dear. This really is a wonderful picnic. Pass me another of those andouillettes.
.
Belle et Bonne: Arthur! Come over here! We're ready to eat.
No response from Arthur.
Sweezus: He's upset.
Belle et Bonne: About losing Ouvert?
Sweezus: About you. He's afraid you think he hasn't done enough to deserve the picnic.
Belle et Bonne: Ahh! How sweet.
She goes over to Arthur.
Gaius: Look at this wonderful picnic. What do you think those are?
Sweezus: Andouillettes, and some other sausagey things.
Gaius (biting into an andouillette): Well, this is very nice. I wonder what it's made of?
Arthur (approaching sheepishly, and giggling) : Pigs' intestines.
Gaius: Yum! Just what I like.
Sweezus: I like these ones better. With pistachios and truffles.
Belle et Bonne: They're all local specialties. We also have red cheeses, chard, mountain ham, mountain honey, wild strawberries and almond meringues filled with butter cream and pieces of nougat. And of course Beaujolais to wash it all down.
Gaius: This is the life. Lucky us.
Belle et Bonne: Yes, lucky you. I don't want to hear any more nonsense about lucky stones. Lucky stones have no influence on proper luck.
Arthur: What's proper luck?
Belle et Bonne: It's random. You can't put it in your pocket.
Sweezus: I don't know. Bradley Wiggins has got Ouvert now. And he won the stage yesterday.
Gaius: Ridiculous! That fool Ouvert is becoming quite famous. Everyone wants a piece of him. If I ever get him back I've a good mind to smash him into pieces and sell the bits to whoever wants....
Belle et Bonne: Gaius!
Gaius: Sorry. Just rambling, Belle dear. This really is a wonderful picnic. Pass me another of those andouillettes.
.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Arc-et-Senans to Besançon: Good Deeds
All the members of Team Philosophe have had a good night's sleep. Today is Stage Nine, the individual time trials, and Arthur is one of the first to ride down the chute. Ouvert has agreed to accompany Arthur in his pocket.
Three, two, one, go!
Now Arthur is speeding along a lumpy country road, lined with crowds of well-wishers. Some of them are waving giant green hands in his face.
Arthur: Ouvert! See how they love me!
Ouvert: I can't see.
Arthur: Stick your head out.
Ouvert: I'm all tangled up.
Arthur: What with?
Ouvert: Pencils and paper and wrappers and string.
Arthur: String! I don't have any string.
Ouvert: What's this then?
Arthur: How do you expect me to know? Describe it.
Ouvert: It's like string, but it's thicker than string and it smells funny.
Arthur: What colour is it?
Ouvert: Browny-red.
Arthur: Browny-red? Oh...I know. Just throw it out.
Ouvert: Alright. Oooh! Waaah!
Ouvert tumbles out of Arthur's pocket and onto the road.
............
Three minutes elapse. Fabian Cancellara speeds by, legs pumping. He spots little Ouvert.
Fabian Cancellara: Oh, ze poor little stone. I call somebody to come for him.
Ouvert: What a nice man!
.......
Three more minutes. Here comes Froome.
Christopher Froome: Hiya, little stone!
Ouvert: Oh it's Froome! Lucky Froome! Hey Froome! Pick me up!
Christopher Froome: I'll call someone! Don't worry! Stay there!
Ouvert: What a nice man!
.......
Three more minutes. Who's this? Bradley Wiggins.
Bradley Wiggins: Ouvert, is that you?
Ouvert: Yes it's me!
Bradley Wiggins scoops up Ouvert without losing a second, shoves him into his pocket and goes on to clock the best time.
Froome comes second and Cancellara third.
Arthur Rimbaud remains low in the overall standings.
Three, two, one, go!
Now Arthur is speeding along a lumpy country road, lined with crowds of well-wishers. Some of them are waving giant green hands in his face.
Arthur: Ouvert! See how they love me!
Ouvert: I can't see.
Arthur: Stick your head out.
Ouvert: I'm all tangled up.
Arthur: What with?
Ouvert: Pencils and paper and wrappers and string.
Arthur: String! I don't have any string.
Ouvert: What's this then?
Arthur: How do you expect me to know? Describe it.
Ouvert: It's like string, but it's thicker than string and it smells funny.
Arthur: What colour is it?
Ouvert: Browny-red.
Arthur: Browny-red? Oh...I know. Just throw it out.
Ouvert: Alright. Oooh! Waaah!
Ouvert tumbles out of Arthur's pocket and onto the road.
............
Three minutes elapse. Fabian Cancellara speeds by, legs pumping. He spots little Ouvert.
Fabian Cancellara: Oh, ze poor little stone. I call somebody to come for him.
Ouvert: What a nice man!
.......
Three more minutes. Here comes Froome.
Christopher Froome: Hiya, little stone!
Ouvert: Oh it's Froome! Lucky Froome! Hey Froome! Pick me up!
Christopher Froome: I'll call someone! Don't worry! Stay there!
Ouvert: What a nice man!
.......
Three more minutes. Who's this? Bradley Wiggins.
Bradley Wiggins: Ouvert, is that you?
Ouvert: Yes it's me!
Bradley Wiggins scoops up Ouvert without losing a second, shoves him into his pocket and goes on to clock the best time.
Froome comes second and Cancellara third.
Arthur Rimbaud remains low in the overall standings.
Belfort to Porrentruy: The Power of Food
Stage Eight, fom Belfort to Porrentruy, is over for the day. The winner is Thibaut Pinot, from Team FDJ-Big Mat, and he is only twenty two.
Sweezus: That Pinot! He's only twenty two!
Arthur: I'm only sixt.....seventeen.
Gaius: We know. And if we didn't, we could guess.
Sweezus: But Pinot is only twenty two. I'll never win a stage, or even the polkadot jersey.
Arthur: Why ? How old are you?
Sweezus: I don't know, thirty something.
Gaius: Now then, Sweezus, pull yourself together. It's nothing to do with age, it's all to do with attitude of mind.
Arthur: And luck. Do you know what my lucky stone did yesterday?
Gaius: You mean Ouvert? What?
Arthur: He donated all his luck to Froome. Just to get back at me.
Sweezus: Awesome! So Ouvert does have powers!
Belle et Bonne: Listen to yourselves. I wish papa was here.
Gaius: Why ? I'm here.
Belle et Bonne: Sorry, Gaius, but the team needs bucking up. You all need to pull together.
Gaius: Well said, Belle et Bonne. Do you have any useful suggestions?
Belle et Bonne: Yes I do. And papa would approve. There's one more stage and then the next day is a rest day. I'll organise a wonderful picnic. But only if you all try very hard to win tomorrow.
Sweezus: Awesomeness of awesome!
Arthur: Joy! I'm trying already.
Gaius: You are. But we shall try and overlook it. Thank you, Belle et Bonne. I had forgotten the power of food as an incentive.
Belle et Bonne: It's settled then. Good luck everyone!
Sweezus: That Pinot! He's only twenty two!
Arthur: I'm only sixt.....seventeen.
Gaius: We know. And if we didn't, we could guess.
Sweezus: But Pinot is only twenty two. I'll never win a stage, or even the polkadot jersey.
Arthur: Why ? How old are you?
Sweezus: I don't know, thirty something.
Gaius: Now then, Sweezus, pull yourself together. It's nothing to do with age, it's all to do with attitude of mind.
Arthur: And luck. Do you know what my lucky stone did yesterday?
Gaius: You mean Ouvert? What?
Arthur: He donated all his luck to Froome. Just to get back at me.
Sweezus: Awesome! So Ouvert does have powers!
Belle et Bonne: Listen to yourselves. I wish papa was here.
Gaius: Why ? I'm here.
Belle et Bonne: Sorry, Gaius, but the team needs bucking up. You all need to pull together.
Gaius: Well said, Belle et Bonne. Do you have any useful suggestions?
Belle et Bonne: Yes I do. And papa would approve. There's one more stage and then the next day is a rest day. I'll organise a wonderful picnic. But only if you all try very hard to win tomorrow.
Sweezus: Awesomeness of awesome!
Arthur: Joy! I'm trying already.
Gaius: You are. But we shall try and overlook it. Thank you, Belle et Bonne. I had forgotten the power of food as an incentive.
Belle et Bonne: It's settled then. Good luck everyone!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Stage Seven: Lucky Froome
It is Stage Seven. Ouvert is in Arthur's pocket. He is not very comfortable because of the other things in Arthur's pocket. A pencil. A notebook. A chocolate bar. A couple of dirty bandages.
Ouvert: Are we in La Rochelle yet?
Arthur: Are you joking, lucky stone? We have to finish the race. We're heading to La Planche des Belles Filles. And I'm going to win the stage now I've got you.
Ouvert: That's what you think. I'm not obliged to be lucky for you.
Arthur: Oh yes you are, lucky stone.
Ouvert: Stop calling me lucky stone. My name is Ouvert.
Arthur: That name rings a bell. Ouvert...pinhead! Are you the one Gaius called a pinhead? He said you were reading my poems?
Ouvert: Poems? What poems?
Arthur: Illuminations.
Ouvert: You're Arthur Rimbaud! Yes I was. They were really crap poems.
Arthur: They were wrung from my soul at great cost.
Ouvert: They should have stayed where they were.
Arthur: Shut up and start being lucky.
Ouvert: No. I choose who's going to be lucky. And it's not you, Arthur Rimbaud. It's....
Arthur: Who? Sagan! Not Sagan! Greipel? Not him!
Ouvert: Who's that just went past us?
Arthur: Froome.
Ouvert: Well, well! Lucky Froome!
.....
Not surprisingly, Froome goes on to win Stage Seven.
Ouvert: Are we in La Rochelle yet?
Arthur: Are you joking, lucky stone? We have to finish the race. We're heading to La Planche des Belles Filles. And I'm going to win the stage now I've got you.
Ouvert: That's what you think. I'm not obliged to be lucky for you.
Arthur: Oh yes you are, lucky stone.
Ouvert: Stop calling me lucky stone. My name is Ouvert.
Arthur: That name rings a bell. Ouvert...pinhead! Are you the one Gaius called a pinhead? He said you were reading my poems?
Ouvert: Poems? What poems?
Arthur: Illuminations.
Ouvert: You're Arthur Rimbaud! Yes I was. They were really crap poems.
Arthur: They were wrung from my soul at great cost.
Ouvert: They should have stayed where they were.
Arthur: Shut up and start being lucky.
Ouvert: No. I choose who's going to be lucky. And it's not you, Arthur Rimbaud. It's....
Arthur: Who? Sagan! Not Sagan! Greipel? Not him!
Ouvert: Who's that just went past us?
Arthur: Froome.
Ouvert: Well, well! Lucky Froome!
.....
Not surprisingly, Froome goes on to win Stage Seven.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Epernay to Metz : Into A New Pocket
Stage Six is over. Peter Sagan has won his third stage. Arthur is convinced that Sagan too must have a lucky stone.
In the crash before the finish, Gaius came off his bike and now has bandages on both knees. Did he have a lucky stone? Yes and no. The stone in his pocket turned out to be Ouvert.
Gaius: Now Arthur, do you see that there's no such thing as a lucky stone?
Arthur: Greipel has got one. And Sagan too, I bet.
Sweezus: But Gaius has got one, and he fell off his bike.
Gaius: That wasn't a lucky stone. It was Ouvert!
Ouvert: I am a lucky stone. I'm back in France!
Sweezus: Why's that lucky?
Ouvert: I'm going home to La Rochelle.
Belle et Bonne: But Ouvert, Metz is nowhere near La Rochelle!
Ouvert: It isn't?
Arthur: I'll have him, if you don't want him.
Gaius: Go ahead, have him.
Ouvert: No one can have me.
Sweezus: Well said, Ouvert!
Belle et Bonne: Yes Arthur, you can't just pick up a stone and think you own it.
Arthur: What! It's just a stone!
Sweezus: Go and find your own stone.
Ouvert: Thank you, Sweezus. Arthur?
Arthur: What?
Ouvert: I'll be your lucky stone if.....
Arthur: Yes?
Ouvert: ....if you take me to La Rochelle.
Arthur: Alright, get in.
Ouvert gets in to Arthur's pocket.
In the crash before the finish, Gaius came off his bike and now has bandages on both knees. Did he have a lucky stone? Yes and no. The stone in his pocket turned out to be Ouvert.
Gaius: Now Arthur, do you see that there's no such thing as a lucky stone?
Arthur: Greipel has got one. And Sagan too, I bet.
Sweezus: But Gaius has got one, and he fell off his bike.
Gaius: That wasn't a lucky stone. It was Ouvert!
Ouvert: I am a lucky stone. I'm back in France!
Sweezus: Why's that lucky?
Ouvert: I'm going home to La Rochelle.
Belle et Bonne: But Ouvert, Metz is nowhere near La Rochelle!
Ouvert: It isn't?
Arthur: I'll have him, if you don't want him.
Gaius: Go ahead, have him.
Ouvert: No one can have me.
Sweezus: Well said, Ouvert!
Belle et Bonne: Yes Arthur, you can't just pick up a stone and think you own it.
Arthur: What! It's just a stone!
Sweezus: Go and find your own stone.
Ouvert: Thank you, Sweezus. Arthur?
Arthur: What?
Ouvert: I'll be your lucky stone if.....
Arthur: Yes?
Ouvert: ....if you take me to La Rochelle.
Arthur: Alright, get in.
Ouvert gets in to Arthur's pocket.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Stages 4 and 5: Lucky Stone
It's the end of Stage Five. Andre Greipel has won two in a row. Arthur decides to follow him about, hoping to be noticed.
Andre Greipel: Excuse me!
Arthur Rimbaud: Yes, what?
Andre Greipel: Stop following me about.
Arthur Rimbaud: But I want to be like you.
Andre Greipel: Then let me give you some advice. Work hard, eat well, and find yourself a lucky stone.
Arthur Rimbaud: A lucky stone! Thank you, Andre.
He goes off to look for Gaius and Sweezus.
.........
Gaius and Sweezus are discussing race tactics.
Sweezus: What we need is a leader.
Gaius: I'm the leader.
Sweezus: I mean, it's not the same without The VeloDrone.
Gaius: I thought I was doing well as the leader. I advised Arthur not to eat mints.
Sweezus: Arthur! He's not a team player. He's been hanging aroung Andre Greipel. What sort of....?
Arthur Rimbaud: Hi guys!
Sweezus: At last! You're late for the race tactics meeting.
Gaius: It should have been me that said that.
Sweezus: See what I mean!
Arthur Rimbaud: Tactics, ho ho! Wait till you hear this. Andre Greipel has a lucky stone!
Gaius: Does he indeed?
Sweezus: I thought you had a lucky stone.
Gaius: No. I don't think so.
Sweezus: Then what's that in your pocket?
They all look at Gaius's pocket.
And there does appear to be something inside it.
Andre Greipel: Excuse me!
Arthur Rimbaud: Yes, what?
Andre Greipel: Stop following me about.
Arthur Rimbaud: But I want to be like you.
Andre Greipel: Then let me give you some advice. Work hard, eat well, and find yourself a lucky stone.
Arthur Rimbaud: A lucky stone! Thank you, Andre.
He goes off to look for Gaius and Sweezus.
.........
Gaius and Sweezus are discussing race tactics.
Sweezus: What we need is a leader.
Gaius: I'm the leader.
Sweezus: I mean, it's not the same without The VeloDrone.
Gaius: I thought I was doing well as the leader. I advised Arthur not to eat mints.
Sweezus: Arthur! He's not a team player. He's been hanging aroung Andre Greipel. What sort of....?
Arthur Rimbaud: Hi guys!
Sweezus: At last! You're late for the race tactics meeting.
Gaius: It should have been me that said that.
Sweezus: See what I mean!
Arthur Rimbaud: Tactics, ho ho! Wait till you hear this. Andre Greipel has a lucky stone!
Gaius: Does he indeed?
Sweezus: I thought you had a lucky stone.
Gaius: No. I don't think so.
Sweezus: Then what's that in your pocket?
They all look at Gaius's pocket.
And there does appear to be something inside it.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Orchies to Boulogne-sur-Mer : Knees and Mints
Stage Three of the Tour, Orchies to Boulogne-sur-Mer. Arthur has made a brilliant recovery. He is riding at the front of the peloton. Sweezus and Gaius are somewhere in the middle.
Sweezus: Look at Arthur go.
Gaius: I suspect he's on the extra strong mints.
Sweezus: Did you see his knees?
Gaius: No.
Sweezus: A miracle. No scabs.
Gaius: Perhaps he was having us on.
Sweezus: Yeah.
Gaius: Sweezus?
Sweezus: Yeah?
Gaius: Don't take this the wrong way.
Sweezus: What?
Gaius: When we get to Boulogne-sur-Mer, don't stop off for a swim.
Sweezus: As if!
Gaius: Just so you remember.
Sweezus: Arthur's dropping back.
Arthur: Did you see me?
Gaius: Yes, very admirable. But why have you dropped back?
Arthur: The bluish wine-stains and the splashes of vomit.
Sweezus: Poetry again! Cut that out.
Arthur: Have an extra-strong mint! Hee hee!
Gaius: Arthur!
Arthur: What?
Gaius: No more mints.
Arthur rides back to the front.
Peter Sagan flashes by.
There is a strong smell of mint in the air.
Sweezus: Look at Arthur go.
Gaius: I suspect he's on the extra strong mints.
Sweezus: Did you see his knees?
Gaius: No.
Sweezus: A miracle. No scabs.
Gaius: Perhaps he was having us on.
Sweezus: Yeah.
Gaius: Sweezus?
Sweezus: Yeah?
Gaius: Don't take this the wrong way.
Sweezus: What?
Gaius: When we get to Boulogne-sur-Mer, don't stop off for a swim.
Sweezus: As if!
Gaius: Just so you remember.
Sweezus: Arthur's dropping back.
Arthur: Did you see me?
Gaius: Yes, very admirable. But why have you dropped back?
Arthur: The bluish wine-stains and the splashes of vomit.
Sweezus: Poetry again! Cut that out.
Arthur: Have an extra-strong mint! Hee hee!
Gaius: Arthur!
Arthur: What?
Gaius: No more mints.
Arthur rides back to the front.
Peter Sagan flashes by.
There is a strong smell of mint in the air.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Visé to Tournai - Becoming Septic
Today is Stage Two of the Tour de France, Visé to Tournai. The lead keeps changing. Now it's Lotto-Belisol in the lead, now Orica GreenEdge. Who will win the Stage?
It will not be Team Philosophe. They are down a rider. Arthur is sitting out the stage with Belle et Bonne, who has come to sort him out. They are waiting near the finish line, in Tournai.
Belle et Bonne: How are you feeling now, Arthur dear?
Arthur Rimbaud: Neither ardent nor feeble.
Belle et Bonne: Arthur, you do talk in riddles.
Arthur Rimbaud: They aren't riddles.
Belle et Bonne: Poems then. But what about your knees? Will you be alright for tomorrow? And will you please let me get you some clean bandages?
Arthur Rimbaud: Alright, but let me warn you....
Belle et Bonne: Warn me?
Arthur Rimbaud: I don't like girls.
Belle et Bonne: How ridiculous!
Arthur Rimbaud: Go and get the bandages.
Belle et Bonne: Get them yourself.
Arthur Rimbaud: If you don't get them, I win.
Belle et Bonne: By becoming septic?
Arthur Rimbaud: Yes. Septic.
The race leaders speed past them towards the finish line
Belle et Bonne: Look, Arthur! That was Mark Cavendish! Brilliant! He's won the Stage!
Arthur Rimbaud: I'm off then.
Belle et Bonne: Wait for your team, Arthur. It's rude, if you don't.
Arthur Rimbaud: No, I won't.
He strides off, the dirty bandages flapping around his knees.
It will not be Team Philosophe. They are down a rider. Arthur is sitting out the stage with Belle et Bonne, who has come to sort him out. They are waiting near the finish line, in Tournai.
Belle et Bonne: How are you feeling now, Arthur dear?
Arthur Rimbaud: Neither ardent nor feeble.
Belle et Bonne: Arthur, you do talk in riddles.
Arthur Rimbaud: They aren't riddles.
Belle et Bonne: Poems then. But what about your knees? Will you be alright for tomorrow? And will you please let me get you some clean bandages?
Arthur Rimbaud: Alright, but let me warn you....
Belle et Bonne: Warn me?
Arthur Rimbaud: I don't like girls.
Belle et Bonne: How ridiculous!
Arthur Rimbaud: Go and get the bandages.
Belle et Bonne: Get them yourself.
Arthur Rimbaud: If you don't get them, I win.
Belle et Bonne: By becoming septic?
Arthur Rimbaud: Yes. Septic.
The race leaders speed past them towards the finish line
Belle et Bonne: Look, Arthur! That was Mark Cavendish! Brilliant! He's won the Stage!
Arthur Rimbaud: I'm off then.
Belle et Bonne: Wait for your team, Arthur. It's rude, if you don't.
Arthur Rimbaud: No, I won't.
He strides off, the dirty bandages flapping around his knees.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Liège to Seraing - Creativity
The next day was Stage One, from Liège to Seraing. Arthur Rimbaud now has two bandaged knees. Team Philosophe is riding in the middle of the main peloton.
Arthur Rimbaud: Oooh! Aaaah!
Sweezus: What's up, Arthur?
Arthur Rimbaud: Oh the bitter redness of.... uh.....the bitter redness...oooh!
Sweezus: Don't try and compose while you're riding, you idiot!
Arthur Rimbaud: Life is pointless otherwise, an atrocious fanfare, a burnt face, arms of crystal....uhh!
Gaius: What's the matter with him?
Sweezus: He's trying to ride through his pain by composing.
Arthur Rimbaud: No I'm not.
Gaius: What's happening then?
Arthur Rimbaud: Poetry is happening. But I need some drugs.
Gaius: No! They don't like drugs here. They don't even like extra strong mints.
Arthur Rimbaud: Drugs aid my creativity.
Sweezus: That's not creativity.
Arthur Rimbaud: What would you know?
Sweezus: I'm doing a creative writing course.
Arthur Rimbaud: Oh do tell!
Sweezus (offended): I came top of my class.
Gaius: We won't be coming top of this class! Pedal faster, boys! Team Liquigas is coming up behind us!
Arthur Rimbaud: Team Liquigas! Hee Hee!
He falls off his bike.
Arthur Rimbaud: Oooh! Aaaah!
Sweezus: What's up, Arthur?
Arthur Rimbaud: Oh the bitter redness of.... uh.....the bitter redness...oooh!
Sweezus: Don't try and compose while you're riding, you idiot!
Arthur Rimbaud: Life is pointless otherwise, an atrocious fanfare, a burnt face, arms of crystal....uhh!
Gaius: What's the matter with him?
Sweezus: He's trying to ride through his pain by composing.
Arthur Rimbaud: No I'm not.
Gaius: What's happening then?
Arthur Rimbaud: Poetry is happening. But I need some drugs.
Gaius: No! They don't like drugs here. They don't even like extra strong mints.
Arthur Rimbaud: Drugs aid my creativity.
Sweezus: That's not creativity.
Arthur Rimbaud: What would you know?
Sweezus: I'm doing a creative writing course.
Arthur Rimbaud: Oh do tell!
Sweezus (offended): I came top of my class.
Gaius: We won't be coming top of this class! Pedal faster, boys! Team Liquigas is coming up behind us!
Arthur Rimbaud: Team Liquigas! Hee Hee!
He falls off his bike.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Immersed In The Thing
The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are sitting in a hospital ward, watching the Tour de France Prologue Time Trials in Liège, on a tiny television set high above Le Bon David's bed.
Le Bon David: Where on earth did you find that young chap?
The VeloDrone: I put an advertisement in the paper.
Le Bon David: In the paper? How many applicants did you get?
The VeloDrone: He was the only one.
Le Bon David: No one reads the newspaper any more, Vello. He doesn't look much of a rider.
The VeloDrone: He assures me he is. But he has a sore knee.
Le Bon David: Look at his face!
The VeloDrone: Nice looking young fellow.
Le Bon David: I mean the pain on it.
The VeloDrone: I wouldn't pay much attention to that, David. He's a poet.
Le Bon David: What's that got to do with it?
The VeloDrone: He tells me it has a great deal to do with it. Experience. Feelings. Immersing yourself in..... in the thing. That's what they do.
Le Bon David: This is the Tour de France, not a poetry workshop.
The VeloDrone: He'll be alright.
Le Bon David: How do you know?
The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne's going over. She'll sort him out.
Le Bon David: Delicious! I wish I was there.
The VeloDrone: So do I David. So do I.
They look at one another. Then they look up at the television, in time to see Arthur fall off his bike.
Le Bon David: Where on earth did you find that young chap?
The VeloDrone: I put an advertisement in the paper.
Le Bon David: In the paper? How many applicants did you get?
The VeloDrone: He was the only one.
Le Bon David: No one reads the newspaper any more, Vello. He doesn't look much of a rider.
The VeloDrone: He assures me he is. But he has a sore knee.
Le Bon David: Look at his face!
The VeloDrone: Nice looking young fellow.
Le Bon David: I mean the pain on it.
The VeloDrone: I wouldn't pay much attention to that, David. He's a poet.
Le Bon David: What's that got to do with it?
The VeloDrone: He tells me it has a great deal to do with it. Experience. Feelings. Immersing yourself in..... in the thing. That's what they do.
Le Bon David: This is the Tour de France, not a poetry workshop.
The VeloDrone: He'll be alright.
Le Bon David: How do you know?
The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne's going over. She'll sort him out.
Le Bon David: Delicious! I wish I was there.
The VeloDrone: So do I David. So do I.
They look at one another. Then they look up at the television, in time to see Arthur fall off his bike.
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