The Laws of Physics Contradicted

Ahoy! shouted Arthur, again. The lighthouse had gone suddenly dark.

Who goes there? growled the Cap'n.

Me! said Arthur. Can you show me a light?

Climb up, laddie, said the Cap'n. Give him a hand there, Mr Higgs.

Bo'sun Higgs helped Arthur up the ladder.

Ouvert shivered, under Arthur's discarded bandages.

Hey ho, me hearty, said the Cap'n. What can we do for ye, this dark dreary night?

Do you have a torch? asked Arthur. I want to read the address on this envelope.

Bo'sun Higgs laughed a piratical laugh.

A torch, lad! he snorted. This be a light'ouse. There be no need for a torch in a light'ouse.

Not a'together true, Bo'sun Higgs, said the Cap'n. If there be a power failure, the possessing of a torch u'd be a handy thing.

Bo'sun Higgs shot the Cap'n a look.

Never mind about that, said Arthur impatiently. If this is a lighthouse why isn't the light on?

Arrrh, said the Cap'n. We don't like the light on, ye see.

Because you're pirates, I suppose, said Arthur.

Who told ye that? said the Cap'n.

Ouvert, said Arthur, scrabbling around for Ouvert in his pocket.

This is Ouvert, added Arthur, producing his friend. He's the reason I'm here. This is his envelope. Before he gets in it, he needs to know where it's going.

Hello, said Ouvert.

Blimey! said Bo'sun Higgs. A talking stone! Now don't THAT contradict the laws of physics!

You may think so, said Ouvert, but nothing contradicts the laws of physics.

Well said, Ouvert, said Arthur. Now you two chaps, pirates, whatever you are, where is this torch?

We don't have a torch, said the Cap'n, and you're not goin' to set eyes on it.

Contradiction! shouted Ouvert, feeling bolder. What about matches?

Matches! said Bo'sun Higgs, I suppose we might stretch to some matches.

Go fetch the matches, Bo'sun Higgs, said the Cap'n. And  we'll have ourselves a look at this precious envelope.