Courage Fortitude Integrity And Pineapple

Admiral de Guichen examines the leg for signs of familiarity.

Gaius has been mulling something over.

I believe you are a fraud, says Gaius, to Admiral de Guichen.

A fraud? says Admiral de Guichen. How dare you!

Masquerading as an Admiral, says Gaius. Is that your leg?

It is, says Admiral de Guichen.

Then, says Gaius, I put it to you that your story is a false one. For two reasons.

Arthur, having  finished off the sangria, is examining the bottom of the jug, and listening.

Go on, says Admiral de Guichen.

One, says Gaius, you told Schopenhauer it was an old sea injury.

I didn't say how old, says Admiral de Guichen

Two, says Gaius, you didn't know what a following wind was.

A temporary aberration, prompted by the loss of my pereipod, says Admiral de Guichen.

Your pereipod! says Gaius. A learned term. Perhaps I have misjudged you.

Forgiven, says Admiral de Guichen. We lobsters are not ones to bear a grudge. I wonder, is there any chance I might get in that jug now?

There are chunks of pineapple in the bottom, says Arthur. Just let me get them out.

He feels in his pocket. Takes out the sewing kit with the tiny scissors. Stabs at the chunks of sangria-soaked pineapple. Draws them out and eats them with his fingers.

No water? says Admiral de Guichen. The jug's no use to me without water in it.

Gaius taps on the window of the cabin.

Ray looks out.

What does he want? asks Schopenhauer.

Gaius makes water-pouring motions.

A drink, says Ray. That's rich. They had that jug of sangria, and what did we have?

Nothing, says Schopenhauer. Don't worry Ray, I'm not stopping till we get to Lorne.

They speed through Apollo Bay, scattering holiday makers.

I admire your integrity, says Ray.

I admire your fortitude, says Schopenhauer. That foot looks gangrenous.

Looks like we're not stopping, says Gaius, in the back. Courage, Admiral, it can't be far to Lorne.

Lorne, says Admiral de Guichen. I have a friend there. Captain Louttit.

I don't question it, says Gaius.

Do you want this leg? says Arthur, picking it up idly.

Not now you've got pineapple all over it, says Admiral de Guichen.

Fair Seas And A Following Wind

Arthur has almost reached the Slitti Cafe when he hears a scraping sound behind him.

He turns, and sees Admiral de Guichen on the pavement.

You! says Arthur. I thought you were expiring in the Ute.

How do you know it's me? says Admiral de Guichen.

The missing leg, says Arthur.

Admiral de Guichen didn't know he had a missing leg. This must be something recent.

They continue walking.

What's that? asks Admiral de Guichen, pointing to the jug of sangria.

Jug, says Arthur. I couldn't find a bucket.

I won't be getting in it! says Admiral de Guichen.

Suit yourself, says Arthur. It's half full of sangria.

Sangria? says Admiral de Guichen. Perhaps I was too hasty.....

Arthur! calls Gaius. Hurry up! We're going!

I haven't had my lunch, says Arthur.

Too late now, says Schopenhauer. You will have to eat the lobster.

No one eats Admiral de Guichen, says Admiral de Guichen.

Admiral! says Schopenhauer. My apologies. What's  happened to your leg?

Old sea injury, says Admiral de Guichen.

..........

The Ute speeds on to Warrnambool, and through. Next stop Lorne.

Schopenhauer is driving, with Ray beside him in the cabin.

Arthur, Gaius and Admiral de Guichen are in the back, drinking sangria, simply to make room in the jug.

What's a following wind? asks Admiral de Guichen.

A wind that blows the same way that the waves are going, says Arthur.

I was wished one today by Captain Wishart, says Admiral de Guichen.

Useless in the back of a Ute, says Arthur. He must have thought you would be sailing.

An innocent mistake, says Admiral de Guichen. But I've really lost a leg. I wish Captain Wishart had wished I'd get my leg back.

You'll grow a new one, says Arthur.

Gaius is looking idly at the Coastal Leader, the newspaper the Admiral had been wrapped in.

There is a piece of broken leg stuck to the Classifieds.

He looks appraisingly at Admiral de Guichen.

Is that my leg? says Admiral de Guichen.

Lobsters Are The True Custodians Of History

Gaius, Ray,and Schopenhauer disappear inside the Slitti Cafe.

Arthur goes off looking for a bucket.

The lobster lies on the floor of the Ute, breathing the fresh air of Port Fairy.

Ahhh! He feels okay.

He clambers out.

Avoiding the tourists, of whom there are not many, he finds his way by sniffing to the river.

.......

Cakes and chocolate! says Schopenhauer. Is that all you have?

And fine Tuscan coffee, says the owner.

A sandwich would be nice, says Ray.

Then you must go elsewhere, says the owner.

I don't mind cakes for lunch, says Schopenhauer.

Gaius is unsettled. He would not choose cakes for lunch. But Arthur has the money. And Arthur will return to Slitti Cafe. So cakes it will have to be.

They sit outside in the sun, under an umbrella, from where you smell the river and the sea.

.......


The lobster has found a secluded spot between two rocks half submerged in murky water.

He settles down to survey all the boats.

But no. It is not so secluded. He has settled down beside a local lobster.

Hello, says the local lobster. Welcome to the Moyne. I'm Captain Wishart.

Our lobster does not wish to be outdone.

Admiral de Guichen, says our lobster. Lately come from Robe.

You've come at a quiet time, says Captain Wishart. Between the Folk Festival and the Koroit Irish Festival, it's pretty dead here for a week or two.

That's fine by me, says Admiral de Guichen. I'm in need of some gentle R and R. Been wrapped up in a cursed newspaper for hours.

Tsk, says Captain Wishart. Well, enjoy your time here in Port Fairy.

Lovely name, says Admiral de Guichen. What's its origin?

Captain Wishart likes answering this question.

He explains that in 1828 or thereabouts, a certain Captain Wishart, ( for whom he is named ), sheltered from a storm here in his tiny cutter named the Fairy.

Charming, says Admiral de Guichen. And you know of course about the naming of Guichen Bay.

I do indeed, says Captain Wishart. Though not so many do these days. I do believe we lobsters are the only true custodians of history.

My sentiments exactly, says Admiral de Guichen. It's been wonderful to meet you. I must return to my Ute now. I only have ten minutes.

Happy sailing, says Captain Wishart. And a following wind.

Likewise, says Admiral de Guichen, as he turns and scrapes his way back to Bank Street, and the Slitti Cafe.

.........

And Arthur? He too is returning to the Slitti Cafe. And does he have a bucket? Not exactly. Rather, it is something that he has picked up from an unoccupied table outside another cafe.

An abandoned jug half full of sangria.

Marriage And Its Opposite

Early morning on a country road. Cool air. Long pale shadows.  Schopenhauer is speeding.

Don't drive so fast, says Ray.

Leave the driving to me, says Schopenhauer, as they speed through Millicent.

Millicent, says Ray dreamily. That's my wife's name.

So you are married, says Schopenhauer.

Was, says Ray. Millicent Mountjoy-Moon. She left me. You been married?

No, says Schopenhauer. Once nearly. An opera singer. She was nineteen, I was thirty three.

Opera singer. That's classy, says Ray.

Schopenhauer looks at Ray sideways.

I rejected marriage, says Schopenhauer. Marrying means to grasp blindfolded into a sack hoping to find an eel amongst an assembly of snakes.

That doesn't quite describe my marriage, says Ray. More the opposite.

Schopenhauer slows down a little. What would be the opposite? Ray was somewhat lacking in the snake department? He tries to picture Millicent Mountjoy-Moon.

They both fall silent. Ray's foot is throbbing to the rhythm of the passing trees.

.....

In the back, Arthur is catching up on the sleep he missed last night.

Gaius is checking his itinerary. It should be three hours to Port Fairy. Then, another three or four to Lorne. Perhaps there will be time to potter on the beach there.......

Arthur's newspaper-wrapped parcel moves a little.

It must be the wind. Gaius moves the parcel with his foot, wedging it under a bike pedal.

It moves again.

Gaius pokes Arthur.

What? says Arthur. I was sleeping.

I know, says Gaius, but whatever's in your parcel has woken up.

Impossible, says Arthur. It's a dead one.

See for yourself, says Gaius.

They both stare hard at the newspaper parcel.

The parcel edges itself out from under the bicycle pedal, and unwraps itself.

.........

Lunch time. They drive into picturesque Port Fairy.

Schopenhauer pulls up outside  cafe.

Chop chop, says Schopenhauer. Ten minute lunch break.

Ray eases himself out of the cabin with difficulty.

Gaius climbs out of the back, followed by Arthur.

We must get a bucket, says Gaius.

Nonsense, says Schopenhauer. This is a civilised town. There will be public toilets.

......

In the back of the Ute, on a yellow-smeared double sheet of newspaper, waving its antennae hypnotically, lies a living breathing kidnapped lobster, waiting for a bucket filled with water.

The Community Spirit Typical Of The Country

It is late at night, in Robe. The sea is swooshing. A night owl hoots twice. Hoot hoot. A vehicle rumbles by, lighting up the casuarinas in a spooky way.

Ray, Gaius and Schopenhauer are sleeping in back of the Ute.

Arthur is in the cabin.

Let's have a look at Arthur. Is he sleeping?

No he isn't. A closer look will tell us that he isn't even there.

Perhaps he is at the restaurant, breaking into the kitchen?

Perhaps he is on the beach?

It is too dark. The moon is hidden.

What noise does a dying lobster make?

.......

Ding! It's morning.

Gaius sits up and rubs his eyes.

Will the police station be open? He decides to go and see.

Knock knock. He knocks on the policeman's door. It opens.

Oh it's you, says the policeman. Did you enjoy your dinner?

No, says Gaius. We had the Lobster Thermidor Pie. It was the minutest dinner I have ever had the misfortune to have eaten.

You ordered the Lobster Thermidor Pie! says the policeman, astonished. That's an entrée!

Is it? says Gaius. Perhaps that explains it. Fortunately, I wasn't paying. Now, I wish to report two missing bicycles.

It's very early, says the policeman. Could you come back later?

No, says Gaius. We are leaving shortly for Port Fairy.

All right, says the policeman. I shall make an exception. Step inside.

Gaius fills out two forms describing the two missing bicycles.

The policeman reads them through, thinks for a moment. Hmm.

You are in luck, says the policeman. Your missing bicycles are out the back. Come through.

........

Gaius wheels the recovered bicycles back to the Ute. Schopenhauer and Ray are in the back, just waking up. Arthur is sitting sideways in the cabin with his legs out.

You got them back! says Arthur. Where were they?

You won't believe it, says Gaius. They were out the back of the police station all along. He said someone must have borrowed them, and left them there. I was all for filing a complaint, but he said not to bother.

This is the country, says Ray. You have to expect it.

What? says Schopenhauer. Stealing? Serving tiny dinners?

A sense of community, says Ray. What's yours is mine, and vice versa.

You're delirious, says Schopenhauer.

Let's see your foot, says Arthur.

Ray peels off his sock. The sea urchin spine is a hard purple stump in the middle of a yellow pus ball.

You could pop that now, says Arthur.

No, says Ray. I'll see a doctor when I get to Melbourne. We should get going. Schopenhauer will drive.

Absolutely, says Schopenhauer confidently. Get in. Ray in the front with me, Arthur and Gaius in the back there with the bikes.

Arthur jumps down from the cabin. Reaches back in and grabs something wrapped in newspaper. Tosses it into the back. Climbs in.

Schopenhauer helps Ray up into the cabin.

Sniff sniff. It smells a bit, of last night's dinner.

Joy Interrupted

Ray is thinking : We should drive on without them.

Then he remembers Arthur has the money. And Schopenhauer expects to visit Tasmania.

All right, says Ray. You can drive us to the police station. First lesson. Get behind the wheel, and turn the key.

Schopenhauer settles himself behind the steering wheel, and turns the key. Brrrmmm!

Now, says Ray. See those pedals?

Too late, Schopenhauer has let the hand brake off and crunched the gearstick. Crawk!

Clutch! says Ray. That's the accelerator.......Crikey!

Does Schopenhauer know more than he's let on?

The Ute lurches down the road in the direction of the building which might be the police station, and stops abruptly as it hits the kerb.

We must be out of petrol, says Schopenhauer.

No, says Ray. Arthur just filled up with petrol. Although it looks like he didn't fill it up completely.

Schopenhauer gets out of the Ute and walks over to the building.

Police! he calls.

A door opens. Gaius and Arthur come out.

Mmmm. What is that delightful smell that wafts out with them ? Is it....could it be.... the sweet smell of Lobster Thermidor?

Is that Lobster I can smell? says Schopenhauer.

Yes, says Arthur. But don't get too excited. It's the policeman's dinner.

Did you ask him where he got it? says Schopenhauer.

No, says Gaius. Maybe we should have. It looks like we'll be staying overnight. He won't let us report the missing bicycles. He says he's closed

Schopenhauer knocks loudly on the policeman's door.

The policeman appears, looking like a man who's dinner has been interrupted.

My friends and I could not help noticing, says Schopenhauer, that you are eating Lobster. We should very much also like to eat Lobster. Will you tell us where we may obtain it?

Sails Restaurant, says the policeman. Down the road a bit. But you might need to make a booking.

No,  says Schopenhauer. We shall not need to make a booking. We shall insist on being seated. For this reason. We have been detained in Robe against our wills.

The policeman shuts the door. These bloody tourists. See how far they get with their demands.

Come and eat your Lobster, says his wife.

The policeman sits down in front of his half of the Lobster and wonders if his wife has switched the plates.

.........

Sails Restaurant is illuminated brightly and is full of happy diners eating Lobster.

Gaius, Ray, Arthur and Schopenhauer are sitting at a table looking at the menu.

Southern Rock Lobster with Fattoush Salad and Roast Potatoes. Price On Application.

We'll all have that, says Schopenhauer to the waiter.

Sorry, says the waiter. You have to order Lobster in advance.

Enlighten Me

Schopenhauer bends down to examine the Platonic Ideal for scratches.

Yes, there are one or two slight scratches on the Gios frame.

Arthur thinks he ought to get some kudos.

Lucky it's here, says Arthur.

Not for me, says Schopenhauer. And not for you.

No, for Ray, says Arthur. He can get on the back and you can wheel him to the Ute.

Excellent, says Gaius. That is most expeditious. Get up Ray and stop being a ninny.

Where's the Ute? says Schopenhauer.

At the Caltex down the road, says Arthur.

Schopenhauer gets on his bike and rides off down the road towards the Caltex.

Hey! says Ray.

Epic, says Matzo. He's no Buddhist.

Aw, says Fling. Depends.

Enlighten me, dude, says Matzo. How is he a Buddhist? He spat the dummy. He's nowhere on the path to the cessation.

Dude, says Fling. He's focused. He's on the Eightfold Path.

Which part? says Matzo. Right mindfulness? I don't think so.

This could go on forever, and it's nearly dinner time.

Therefore let us skip to fifteen minutes later.

.......

Fifteen minutes later, Gaius, Ray and Arthur arrive at the Ute, where Schopenhauer is waiting.

Schopenhauer is in a better mood.

The other two bicycles appear to have been stolen.

Arthur is surprised.

What about the police car that kept drifting past?

We must report this to the local police at once, says Gaius.

Off you go , says Schopenhauer. I'll wait here with Ray.

Come on Arthur, says Gaius. Let's find the police station before it closes.

They walk down the road to where there are a some buildings.

.........

I won't be able to drive with this injury, says Ray to Schopenhauer. Do you drive?

Me? No, says Schopenhauer. But I'm sure I would be good at it. It can't be difficult.

Help me in, says Ray. I'll give you a lesson. I don't trust Arthur.

He seems all right, says Schopenhauer.

You don't know him like I do, says Ray.

Schopenhauer helps Ray in.

See what I mean, says Ray. He's left the bloody keys in.

That's good isn't it, says Schopenhauer.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? says Ray.

I could drive us to the police station, says Schopenhauer.

No, says Ray. That wasn't it.

First Of The Four Noble Truths

The moving thing is buried in the seaweed which is undulating gently in the shallows.

Ray takes off his shoes and socks.

Carefully he skirts the seaweed and approaches the mysterious formation from behind.

A sea urchin! Gaius will be interested in that.

Ray steps forward. But wait! It looks dangerously spiky.

Ray goes back the way he came to get his sock.

Ray returns to his advantageous position, sock at the ready.

The seaweed swirls and surges round his feet like leafy brown spaghetti. The spikes of the sea urchin click like living chop sticks.

Ouch!

Here is an example of how the best laid plans can go cactus.

Ray has stepped on a second, less obvious sea urchin, and a spike has lodged itself inside his foot.

He hops over to the sand and sits down heavily.

Schopenhauer is too far out to notice. He is about to try and stand up on his board.

Right? says Matzo. Steady? Try and catch the next one.... aww! You missed it.

I meant to miss it, says Schopenhauer. The next one looks even bigger.

A wave comes up behind him. He is ready.

Schopenhauer catches the wave and rides it all the way in to the shore.

Cooleo! says Fling. He's a natural.

On the beach Schopenhauer spots Ray picking at his injury.

Did you see me come in? says Schopenhauer.

No, says Ray. I've got an injury.

Life is suffering, says Schopenhauer sympathetically, just as Matzo and Fling come in on the next wave.

Life is suffering is it? says Ray. That's bloody helpful.

First of the Four Noble Truths, says Fling.

You got something in your foot? says Matzo.

At this point Arthur arrives, with Gaius.

Got something in your foot, Ray? asks Gaius.

YES! shouts Ray. Has anyone got some TWEEZERS?

Arthur rummages in his pocket, for the sewing kit.

Needles! says Ray. Forget it! Just help me off the beach.

Leaning heavily on Arthur he limps up to the seawall.

Thank you Arthur, says Ray. Now will you please go and get the Ute.

It's just up the road, says Arthur.

You don't want to go, says Ray. I know you. What is it?

My bicycle! cries Schopenhauer, seeing the Platonic Ideal propped up against the seawall. What's it doing here?

Fling is about to say 'Maybe it's psychic'.

But the look on Schopenhauer's face tells him that wouldn't go down well.

The Good Buddhist On The Shore

An hour later Arthur still hasn't turned up.

Fortunately it is pleasant in the Caledonian Beer Garden. Gaius, Ray and Schopenhauer order a third round of Coopers Pale.

Schopenhauer keeps his eye on the three surfers surfing in the bay.

They look as though they might be coming in.

Mind if I take a little stroll down to the shore? says Schopenhauer.

Go ahead, says Ray. We're not going anywhere till Arthur gets here.

The shore? says Gaius. I'll come with you. Ever on the lookout for interesting specimens. All right Ray?

Sure, says Ray, just leave me here all by myself why don't you.

Someone has to stay, says Gaius. In case....

I know, says Ray. It should be you though.

Oh all right, says Gaius crossly. You go. But keep an eye out for fossils and washed up dead creatures. And if you find anything of interest bring it back to me.

Schopenhauer and Ray make their way down to the beach, just as the three surfers are emerging from the water. Sure enough, one of them is Arthur.

Good lunch? says Arthur.

Where were you? says Schopenhauer.

Where's my car? says Ray.

Who are these dudes? says Matzo. Your dad and grand-dad?

No, says Arthur. Fellow travelers.

My name is Arthur Schopenhauer, says Schopenhauer. You may have heard of me.

Yeah? says Matzo. Wicked! Yeah we have. You're that pessimistic guy. The Buddhist.

Yeah, the Buddhist, says Fling. You thought it was the finest of religions.

(Matzo and Fling did philosophy at uni).

Ray is surprised. Schopenhauer has not struck him as a Buddhist.

But Schopenhauer looks pleased.

This surfing, says Schopenhauer. Is it difficult?

Yes and no, says Fling. That's the only truthful answer.

I like that answer, says Schopenhauer. I believe I would be good at it however. May I have a go?

Now? says Matzo. How about tomorrow?

Now, says Schopenhauer firmly.

The famous Will, grins Matzo. Okay then. Take off your jacket and roll those dorky German pants up.

And take your shoes off, says Arthur.

Jumping Jesus! says Ray. What a waste of time. And Gaius is waiting up there in the Beach Cafe for you, Arthur. Go up and tell him we're stuck down here for another couple of hours. And where's my car? I bet you've lost the car keys.

No I haven't, says Arthur.

This is true. He hasn't. He has left them in the car.

Arthur goes up to the Beach Cafe to look for Gaius.

Matzo and Fling tow Schopenhauer out to sea.

Ray wanders along the shore disconsolately, looking for fossils and washed up dead creatures.

What's that over there, half buried in seaweed? Is it moving? Or does it only seem to be moving?

Whatever.

Don't step on it, Ray!

Churros And Crumbed Prawns

Arthur drives the Ute down Main Street to a Caltex Service Station and pulls up beside a pump.

A police car drifts by slowly.

Arthur rethinks his preferred plan.

He pumps exactly fifty dollars worth of petrol, and goes inside to pay.

Good day, says the petrol station owner. Fifty dollars. Want to buy some sweets?

No thanks, says Arthur.

The police car drifts slowly by again.

Arthur thinks it might be good to leave the Ute exactly where it is. Well, not exactly. He jumps in and moves it into the shade of a casuarina. Then he goes around the back to get his bike.

He is about to lift his bicycle out of the Ute when he has a better idea.

He lifts the Platonic Ideal out instead.

What a beauty she is. He will take her for a spin, why shouldn't he. Schopenhauer owes him fifty dollars.

He rides down to Long Beach. It isn't far.

He sits on a low stone wall and looks out over Guichen Bay.

Arthur's tummy rumbles. It is lunch time. He could be eating lobster.

The thought of eating lobster reminds him of his ex team mate Ageless Lobster, whom he could never think of eating.

He wonders whether Gaius feels the same.

Two surfers leave the water, surfboards dripping.

Cool bike, says one to Arthur. What's the story?

Custom built, says Arthur. It's a Platonic Ideal.

Wicked, says the second surfer. Treadly Bike Shop in Adelaide?

That's the one, says Arthur. Want to try it?

We're wet, says the first surfer. Maybe after lunch. We're getting churros.

Sure, says Arthur. I'll be here.

The surfers go off to get churros. Fifteen minutes later they come back.

Saved you some, says the first surfer. You know, you look familiar.

Arthur, says Arthur, taking a limp churro.

Hey Arthur, says the first surfer. I'm Matzo, and this is Fling.

Who's going first? says Arthur.

He can, says Fling. Then me. And after, we're going back in the water. Wanna come?

The afternoon looks promising.

Arthur wants to come.

.......

The Caledonian Inn. Ray, Gaius and Schopenhauer are sitting at an outdoor table overlooking Guichen Bay.

Pity about the lobster, says Ray. I do like lobster.

You would think, says Gaius, that lobster would be on the menu here.

They start upon their Seafood Platters.

Out of curiosity, Gaius pulls apart a thick crumbed prawn.

Arthur's been a long time, says Ray. I wonder what he's doing.

Don't worry, says Gaius. He's a boy you can rely on.

To disappear, says Ray.

Speaking of which, says Gaius. This is only half a prawn. Outrageous!

Schopenhauer is not outraged however. He is a crumbed-prawn-half-full sort of person. At least since he has been on holiday, and since he has met Arthur.

Schopenhauer gazes out across the pristine waters of sparkling Guichen Bay, and sees three surfers in the distance.

And thinks he's not too old to learn to surf.

Holiday Money And Other Minor Problems

Now they are driving through the Coorong.

What a landscape, says Gaius. Lagoons and estuaries.

And very long, says Ray.

Tap, tap.

Schopenhauer is tapping on the widow, holding his nose.

Gaius turns around.

Stop, Ray, says Gaius. Schopenhauer has something the matter with his nose.

That'll be the smell, says Ray. Rotting shellfish, stinking mud flats, dead birds. If I stop, we'll smell it too.

So you're not stopping, says Gaius.

No, says Ray. I'll just go faster.

Gaius looks through the back window.

He shrugs expressively and mouths the words Not Stopping.

Ray speeds up.

They pass through Kingston.

Look at that, says Arthur, pointing as they pass the Giant  Lobster.

What? says Schopenhauer, letting go his nose.

A Giant Lobster, says Arthur. That's the sort of thing you see a lot of in the country.

I missed it, says Schopenhauer. Will there be another?

No, says Arthur. There's only one of those.

But you said....says Schopenhauer.

Giant things in general, says Arthur. Pineapples, strawberries, tomatoes....

This talk is making Schopenhauer hungry, and making him rethink his views on art.

He again taps on the window.

This time Ray stops the Ute.

What is it? says Ray, coming round to the back of the vehicle.

When and where is lunch? asks Schopenhauer.

At Robe, says Ray. Not very far now. You all right? You look a little wind blown.

I think I'll get back inside the cabin, says Schopenhauer. Do you mind?

Not at all, says Ray, but it's Arthur's turn to ride in the cabin. You should ask him.

I'll go in the back, says Gaius, getting out to stretch his legs. How far is it to Robe?

Not far at all, says Ray. Okay then.

Gaius gets in the back. Schopenhauer and Arthur climb into the cabin.

They set off in the direction of Robe.

I feel like having lobster, says Schopenhauer. Anyone else feel like lobster?

Hells bells! says Ray. That'll cost a fortune. Fifty dollars for a half. If you're lucky.

My treat, says Schopenhauer, patting his wallet.

Ray beams. Arthur does some mental calculations.

They pull into Robe, and stop outside the Caledonian Inn.

We'll go in, says Ray. Arthur you take the Ute and fill her up with petrol. Use the busking money.

All right, says Arthur.

Except for one minor problem, this should be easy.

Philosophy Of Vision And Colours

Returning from their viewing of the Bunyip, Ray and Gaius are pleased to see that Schopenhauer looks better.

You look much better, says Gaius.

I feel better, says Schopenhauer. Although I remind myself that life is best viewed as a terminal illness.

Nonsense, says Gaius. Life is best experienced in short episodes. And now, we should get going. Are you travelling in the back or in the front?

I shall ride in the back with Arthur, says Schopenhauer. The fresh air will do me good.

( And also, Arthur has the chocolates ).

Well, keep your heads down, says Ray.

So, they drive off.

Where are we going? asks Gaius, in the cabin.

Mount Gambier, says Ray. We can stop off and look at the Blue Lake.

I'd rather not says Gaius. It brings back bad memories.

Schopenhauer would enjoy it, says Ray. And so would Arthur.

Let's ask them, says Gaius. He turns around and taps on the back window.

Arthur's head appears, then Schopenhauer's.

Ha ha! says Gaius. You should see Schopenhauer. His hair looks like two tangled marine sponges.

That'll be the wind, says Ray.

Gaius mouths his question.

Blue Lake?

What's he asking? says Schopenhauer.

Blue something, says Arthur. Blue lay?

Why would he ask that? says Schopenhauer. Blue lay, blue lay, blue lay?

That's good says Arthur. Are you a poet?

No, says Schopenhauer. but I respect the arts. I see artistic contemplation as a temporary escape from the act of willing.

I'm always willing, says Arthur. And I'm a poet.

And I knew Goethe, says Schopenhauer. He was a poet.

Goethe! says Arthur. That's impressive.

Yes, says Schopenhauer. I met him at one of mother's intellectual afternoons. He congratulated me on an essay that I'd written. At the time we were both interested in vision and colours.

Me too, says Arthur. I wrote a poem once called Vowels. I gave each vowel a colour.

My goodness! Had you been drinking? says Schopenhauer.

Yes, says Arthur. Blue was O.

Ha ha, laughs Schopenhauer. Blue was O. That would have discombobulated Goethe!

In the cabin, Gaius has given up trying to get an answer.

I don't think they can hear me, says Gaius. In fact they're not even trying.....but they seem to be getting on very well.

No Blue Lake then? says Ray. We could stop off at Robe. You'd like that.

Gaius is not listening. He is still looking through the back window.

Why didn't Arthur tell him he had chocolates?

Accounting For Taste

At the Sturt Reserve, beside the river, they prop Schopenhauer up against a tree.

Deep breaths, says Gaius. You'll soon feel better.

What's that roaring sound? says Ray.

That will be the coin operated Bunyip, says Gaius. Would you like to come and see? Arthur, do you have a coin on you?

Yes, says Arthur. But you're not having it. It's my gold one.

Of course not, says Gaius. But what about the busking money?

All notes, says Arthur.

Urghhh! groans Schopenhauer.

He needs some stomach salts, says Ray.

So he does, says Gaius. Arthur, take one of the notes and go and find a chemist.

Arthur wanders off. Gaius and Ray head off to seek the Bunyip.

Schopenhauer drifts into a semi-conscious state under his tree.

Arthur goes down the main street looking for a chemist.

Not all the shops are open, but here is one that is: Cottage Box Chocolates.

Arthur goes inside.

I'm looking for a chemist, says Arthur.

Try a chocolate, says the man behind the counter, Ian Pithers. These are new.

He points to a dish of chocolates near the till.

Arthur takes one. Bites into it.

What do you think? asks the man. It's Chocolate-Coated Vegemite Fudge. I'm the only person in the world who makes it.

Not bad, says Arthur. How did you come up with the idea?

This new fad for salted caramel, says Ian Pithers.

Can I have another one? says Arthur. It'll save me going to the chemist.

Sure, says Ian Pithers. Take a sample box. Hand them around on your travels. Spread the word.

Thanks, says Arthur.

He leaves the shop and turns back towards the riverbank. Schopenhauer is lying flat out on the grass, having turned sickly green.

Here, says Arthur, handing him a chocolate. Try one of these. Good for a hangover.

Schopenhauer takes the chocolate weakly, and presses it to his lips.

Put it all in, says Arthur. Then suck it slowly.

Schopenhauer obeys.

Mmmm. A rush of salt and sugar, not to mention cocoa, and an aftertaste of yeast. He feels better instantly.

Thank you, Arthur, says Schopenhauer. You must let me reimburse you.

He opens up his wallet which is stuffed with fifty dollar notes, and hands a fifty dollar note to Arthur.

Don't worry about the change, says Schopenhauer.

Arthur thinks he hardly needed to say that.

Communication Breakdown

Next morning, the Ute pulls up outside the Velosophy office, where Schopenhauer is waiting.

Ray lifts the Platonic Ideal into the back.

Last one in, says Ray.

Yes, says Schopenhauer. Plenty of room.

In the back there is, says Ray. But not in the cabin. Mind riding in the back? I'll give you a leg up.

Impossible, says Schopenhauer. I'm stiff as a corpse and I have a hangover.

What's the matter? says Gaius, sticking his head out.

I must ride in the cabin, says Schopenhauer. Someone else will have to take my turn.

Arthur will, says Gaius. Hop in the back there, will you, Arthur.  Schopenhauer is feeling poorly.

Arthur gets out of the cabin. This is the first time he and Schopenhauer have met.

You don't mind? says Schopenhauer. Perhaps it is illegal?

Arthur doesn't mind. Especially if it's illegal. He gets in the back with the three bicycles.

Schopenhauer hauls himself into the cabin, next to Gaius.

I imagine you have planned our route, says Schopenhauer.

Yes, yes, says Gaius, pointing. We are going to Melbourne, in that direction.

That seems vague, says Schopenhauer.

Don't worry, says Ray. I think I know the way to Melbourne. We'll take the coast road. You'll like it, it's scenic, but it takes a bit longer.

Longer? says Gaius. Is that a good idea?

We have money, says Ray. We can afford the petrol.

As to that, says Schopenhauer. You must let me make a contribution.

No no, says Gaius. We wouldn't hear of it. Although you might like to pay your share of the ferry.

Fine, says Schopenhauer. He pats his pocket and looks out of the window.

Arthur in the back cannot hear this civil conversation. He is picking at his knee scabs with the scissors.

They set off. It is bright and early. Soon they are in the country.

Gaius is not looking out of the window. Then he is.

The back window. He taps on it loudly, to get Arthur's attention.

Arthur sticks his head up and looks in.

Gaius is mouthing something. A question.

It looks like: Arthur, did I pack my fish knife?

Arthur's hair is blowing in his eyes. The wind is whipping.

He shakes his head. Whatever Gaius asked the answer looks like: no.

How irritating, says Gaius. We shall have to turn around.

No way, says Ray.

I feel sick, says Schopenhauer.

Ray and Gaius look at him. Is he about to vomit? In the cabin?

And that is why they stop at Murray Bridge.

The Ascetic Life

Perhaps the Belgian beer has not worn off yet. Schopenhauer flies down Sir Donald Bradman Drive on his new bicycle, without a wobble.

Remarkable! says Vello, from behind.

Never seen anyone take to riding quite so quickly, says David.

What's that you say? asks Schopenhauer, skidding to a halt at South Road traffic lights.

You're a natural, says Vello.

Thank you, says Schopenhauer. I tend to be good at everything I try. Where to now?

Keep going, says David, and we'll end up at Henley. We can get a spot of dinner, share a bottle of something, watch the sunset.

Ah, says Schopenhauer. The ascetic life.

..........

Gaius opens the front door. He and Ray go inside.

Arthur and Belle are in the kitchen eating pasta.

How did you get in? says Gaius. Don't tell me the back window is still broken.

It is, says Belle. You ought to get it fixed.

No time, says Gaius. I must organise our trip to Tasmania. What was the name of that research scientist now? Something musical. I hope I wrote it down....

Sit down and have some pasta, Ray, says Belle.

Ray sits down.

So you're driving everyone to Melbourne, says Belle et Bonne. That's very kind. How many people can you fit in that Ute of yours?

Three, says Ray. Someone will have to go in the back with the bicycles.

Is that legal? asks Belle et Bonne.

If they lie down out of sight, says Ray.

Arthur is impressed. It's not a Pastor Moon-like answer.

And petrol will be expensive, Belle continues.

This reminds Ray of the busking money. Hundreds of dollars. In the snake box.

Arthur, says Ray. I assume you have the snake box in your possession?

Yes, says Arthur.

This is not even a lie exactly.

It's just not that close by, being in the Hotel Wright Street underneath the chalk board. Which doesn't matter anyway, because it's empty.

Good, says Ray. I wouldn't like to think that you had lost it.

Ray looks rather fierce for a moment.

Arthur fixes Ray with his melting blue look. Ray subsides, and addresses himself to eating pasta.

Gaius comes in, waving a tatty piece of paper.

Gershwin! says Gaius. Lisa-Ann Gershwin. Research scientist. Expert in Giant Jellyfish proliferation.

Oh, well done Gaius! says Belle et Bonne. You hadn't lost it! Do sit down and eat something.

Thank you, Belle, says Gaius.

He sits down, accepts a bowl of pasta, and suddenly becomes excited.

What's this on the table? cries Gaius. Great Jupiter! If I wasn't a sceptic I would be tempted to believe this was an omen! I'm certain that it wasn't there before.

Arthur looks at the dots etched into the table.

I did it, says Arthur. With a needle. It's an omen.

Good man! says Gaius. We could use an omen.

Arthur doesn't tell him that the needle broke.

The Predictive Jellyfish

When do we set off for Tasmania? asks Schopenhauer, as he wheels the Platonic Ideal along the Rundle Street pavement.

As soon as I locate young Arthur, says Gaius. That reminds me, I must give him a call.

You should learn to ride first, says Katherine.

Indeed, says Schopenhauer. That is my intention.

Lessons! says Vello. That's what you need.

Yes, lessons, says David. Come back to the office with us, we'll grab our bikes and go for a spin.

No you won't, says Katherine. You must wait till the beer wears off.

Very sensible, mother, says David.

Very sensible, echoes Schopenhauer, with a watery smile. The voice of reason, from a mother, who has also been drinking. And is she going to drive home in a car?

No, I shall hop on a tram, says Katherine. And I suggest you get rid of that bee in your bonnet about women.

Off you go, mother, says David. Stop sniping. You'll miss your tram.

Katherine stalks of without a backward glance at the philosophers.

Philosophers. What do they know?

........

Arthur is in the kitchen at Gaius's house, with Belle et Bonne.

She is looking in the pantry for something to eat.

He is fiddling with his new sewing kit.

Ten sharp little needles. He draws one out, stabs a decorative pattern of holes in the wooden table, in the shape of a jellyfish.

Snap. The cheap needle breaks.

There are plenty more, stuck through slits in the paper.

Next he examines the scissors.

Scissors! says Belle. Just what I need to open this packet. Give them here for a minute. Arthur! What have you done to the table?

It's a jellyfish, says Arthur. Look. I broke one of the needles.

Tch! says Belle. Let me throw it away.

No, says Arthur. It may come in useful.

It's dangerous, says Belle et Bonne. You know that. Do you like pasta?

Yes, says Arthur.

That's what we're having, says Belle.

Just then, his phone rings. It's Gaius.

Arthur! says Gaius. At last! Now listen.

Arthur listens to the outline of a plan he does not want to hear.

Merde! says Arthur, when Gaius has finished.

What is it? says Belle. Tasmania?

That's the good part, compared to the rest, groans Arthur. We're driving to Melbourne to catch the ferry. In Ray's Ute. That means Ray's coming. And Schopenhauer is coming. He's got a bicycle. Some sort of wunder-bicycle. But he can't ride it yet. And the worst bit....

What's the worst bit? asks Belle.

Gaius thinks I've got the money that was in the snake box, says Arthur. But I haven't.

Belle smiles.

Arthur, says Belle. Cheer up. It sounds perfect. Just your sort of scenario.

Arthur thinks for a second.

She's right.

Plato The Horse And The Bicycle

Which bike shop? says Vello, looking at David.

The Treadly Bike Shop, says David. The best place, don't you think, to seek the Platonic ideal?

I do, says Vello. A bicycle that embodies all bicycleness. Sam will come up with the goods.

Who's coming? says David.

Everyone is coming. Who would want to miss this?

Ten minutes later they are in Ebenezer Place, at the Treadly Bike Shop.

Hi guys, says Sam. Looking for something particular?

Hello Sam, says Vello. Our friend here, Herr Schopenhauer, is after a custom built bike. He has never ridden before. He wishes the bike to embody a general bicycleness, and be comfortable to ride.

Can do, says Sam. Bit of this, bit of that. Hola! General bicycleness. I'll put something together. See what you think. Come back in an hour. Go get a coffee or something. Sweezie! Wanna stay and help out?

Yeah, cool, says Sweezus.

Wait a minute, says Schopenhauer. Shouldn't I have some input?

No, says Sam. Did Plato have input into the ideal horse?  I don't think so. Ideal things are what they are.

Schopenhauer is thinking:  That is all very well, but Plato didn't have to pay for the horse.

David, Vello, Katherine, Gaius and Ray walk out of the bike shop.

We've just had a coffee, says Ray.

Lets go to the Belgian Beer Cafe, says Vello.

What an excellent idea. It is just round the corner. They go.

......

In the Treadly Bike Shop, Sam and Sweezus get busy.

Blue Gios frame, Shimano wheels, Schwalbe tyres, Knog lights, tan San Marco saddle and Ass Saver mudguards. Old world bicycle bell by Velo Orange. Fixed gears.

Woah! This bike is mental! says Sweezus.

That's the idea, says Sam. Your friend, is he that philosopher?

Yeah, Schopenhauer, says Sweezus. Pain and suffering in an irrational world, that's his thing.....

Pain and suffering, says Sam thoughtfully. What d'you reckon? Should we ditch the mudguards?

No way, says Sweezus. He wears these clean old dude type German trousers. There's pain and suffering, and there's laundry. Know what I mean?

Yeah, says Sam. I get that philosophy.

........

One hour later, the drinking party returns from the Belgian Beer Cafe.

O the pleasures of drinking.

Schopenhauer is delighted with his bicycle, a steal at two hundred dollars, due to the expedient of Sam using recycled parts.

Gaius is delighted to see that Schopenhauer does not flinch at paying out two hundred dollars, and decides there and then that he will make an excellent travelling companion.

David and Vello are pleased at the irony of Schopenhauer having a Platonic bicycle, and particularly tickled by the Ass Saver mudguards.

Katherine cannot wait to see Herr Schopenhauer's bottom come up sharp against the reality of the smart tan San Marco saddle.

Ray has no opinion.  He has drunk too much Belgian Beer. He is thinking of his ex-wife Millicent, in Melbourne, and how she might get back with him, now that he has become a Baudelarian, and likes cats.....

The Habits Of A Lifetime

This is somewhat embarrassing, says Vello, biting into his tomato bruschetta..

It need not be, says David.

True, agrees Vello. But ...... he doesn't look like a cyclist.

Schopenhauer is intrigued. He has never in his life given anyone cause for embarrassment. Except for his mother, at her ghastly intellectual soirées. And she had deserved it.

No, says Schopenhauer. I do not own, nor have I ever ridden, a bicycle.

I wonder, says David, if you have ever felt tempted?

Often, says Schopenhauer. But I try to resist it. Of course, one can never......

I imagine he fears falling off, says Katherine.

Off? says Schopenhauer. I thought we had moved to generalities. Are we still talking about bicycles?

Yes, says Vello. The point is, my dear chap, that this article you've promised to write must refer to one or more actual bicycles, or perhaps, in your case, a Platonic ideal bicycle.

A Platonic ideal bicycle, says Schopenhauer. Yes, I could write about that.

Good, then, that's sorted, says David. Is everyone finished?

Do they do cakes here? asks Schopenhauer, craning to look at the counter.

Doubtless, says David. I know they have friands. Would you like one?

Why not? says Schopenhauer. It would serve to prolong our delightful discourse.

It would, says Katherine.

David orders a plate of friands.

Yummo, says Sweezus. I love friands.

Do you ride a bicycle? asks Schopenhauer, turning to Gaius.

Certainly, says Gaius. It's the best way to get around, and the cheapest. I would ride to Tasmania, were it not for Bass Strait.

And I would happily join you, says Schopenhauer. On my Platonic ideal. At the same time I could learn from you about science and jellyfish.

You surprise me, says Gaius.

I am not serious, says Schopenhauer. I have a playful side.

You could go on the ferry from Melbourne, says Katherine. Ray could drive you to Melbourne, with your bikes in the back of the ute.

So I could, says Ray, taking a blueberry friand. I have family in Melbourne. I could drop in.

Suddenly what seemed impossible has become a real option.

(Thank you, irrational universe).

Let us finish the cakes, says David. Then repair to the bike shop. Schopenhauer can chose his ideal bicycle.

Schopenhauer crumbles his friand between his fingers. Crumbs fall onto his plate. He is thinking.

Why not? That's what he does.

If There's Only One Question What Is It?

Sweezus, says Gaius. Have you seen Arthur?

Yeah, says Sweezus. He was down at the surf shop with Belle.

Returning the Skull shorts? says Katherine.

Nah, says Sweezus. Looking for his old ones. He left them behind. His phone was in one of the pockets.

Ah, that explains everything, says Gaius. I shall ring him.

Good luck, says Sweezus. See you later, we're off to lunch.

Why don't you invite your friends to come with us? says Herr Schopenhauer ( who will not be paying ).

No need for that, says Katherine. They are just out of hospital.

Come on Gaius, says Vello. Come to lunch. It will do you good. And you too, Ray Moon. Get something inside you.

Yes, yes, says David. The more the merrier. Now where are we going?

Fair Espresso, says Vello. James Place.

They walk to Fair Espresso, in James Place.

It is tiny, but Vello has booked a long table.

Schopenhauer sits down.

Gaius sits beside him. Katherine sits on his other side.

Schopenhauer moves his chair slightly closer to Gaius.

So, says Gaius. Herr Schopenhauer. How are you liking it here?

It is not a question of liking it, says Schopenhauer. In fact there is only one question.

Heavy! says Sweezus. What is it?

What will you have? asks David.

Yes, says Katherine. Herr Schopenhauer, what will you have? Everything here is organic.

The question, says Herr Schopenhauer, is the one of existence. Most fools spend their entire lives avoiding the question.

Foccaccia? says David. They do a good one....

Life is a struggle, says Schopenhauer.

It certainly is, agrees Ray. My daughter recently toppled me from my pastoral position........

Unni? says Sweezus. How'd she do that?

God is not necessary, says Schopenhauer.

Rocket salad with pear and quinoa? says David.

Sounds delightful, says Katherine. But not for me.

If one is lucky enough to achieve some respite from the existential struggle, says Schopenhauer, then one is faced with the opposite question of boredom. What to do to fill in a day?

There is a sweet shop just up the road there, says Katherine. Blackeby's Old Sweet Shop. They sell very nice Humbugs. Do you like Humbugs?

Madam, says Schopehauer. I have never tried them.

Then you should, says Katherine.

I shall order for everyone, says David. It's the only way to get anything happening.

He orders Fair Trade espressos and tomato bruschettas for everyone.

It serves them right.

I find that travel, combined with scientific endeavour, is very pleasant, says Gaius.

Perhaps you are right, says Herr Schopenhauer. I assume that you are both a traveller and a scientist?

I am, says Gaius. I shall shortly set off for Tasmania, seeking the Giant Lion's Mane Jellyfish, with my right hand man, Arthur.

How will you travel? asks Schopenhauer.

Ah, that is an unresolved question, says Gaius.

No it isn't, says Schopenhauer. There is only one question.

Everyone at the table looks doubtful.

I say, Schopenhauer, says David suddenly. Do you ride a bicycle? We neglected to ask you.

How remiss, says Vello. Do you?

Why? says Schopenhauer, surprised at the new question.

The tomato bruschettas arrive.

The Universe At Bottom

Katherine is about to get out of the Ute, when Ray remembers something.

Who's got our busking money? says Ray.

Last I heard, Arthur had it, says Katherine.

And where is Arthur now? asks Ray.

That is the question of the hour, says Gaius.

I'll ask Sweezus, says Katherine. He'll be at the lunch I'm going to.

Perhaps we could join you? suggests Gaius. I am feeling peckish.

No, says Katherine. This is a special business lunch. David and Vello are entertaining Schopenhauer. They hope to persuade him to write something for the magazine.

Which Schopenhauer is this? asks Ray. The one that put the cat inside the box?

No, that was Schroedinger, says Katherine. Another dreadful man.

She goes inside, leaving Ray and Gaius none the wiser.

.........

Inside the office of Velosophy, the meeting with Herr Schopenhauer is going well.

Vello: So it's agreed. You will write something.

Herr Schopenhauer: I will.

David: Excellent. Let's go to lunch now.

Sweezus: Shouldn't we wait for Katherine?

Herr Schopenhauer: Katherine?

David: My mother.

Herr Schopenhauer: My mother was a woman.....

Vello: So was mine. Where is this leading?

Katherine enters.

Herr Schopenhauer: Madam!

David : Mother, this is Herr Schopenhauer.

Herr Schopenhauer: You may call me Arthur.

Sweezus: Arthur?

Herr Schopenhauer: My father named me Arthur. He had his reasons.

Katherine: And what were they?

Herr Schopenhauer: He wanted me to enter the family business.

Sweezus: Awesome! But why Arthur?

Herr Schopenhauer: Because it is the same in German, French and English.

Sweezus: Wicked! I wish my name was the same in German, French and English.

Herr Schopenhauer: What is your name again?

Sweezus: Sweezus

Herr Schopenhauer: Every day I am reminded that at bottom the universe is not rational. Thank goodness for the dominance of the Will.

Vello: Yes. Thank goodness. Very amusing. Let's go to lunch now.

Herr Schopenhauer: Is this lady coming?

Katherine: Of course I'm coming. Anyone would think you didn't like women

Herr Schopenhauer: I like them well enough, but women are not to be trusted. It is in their nature to be deceitful.

Sweezus: You're kidding, right? You don't know Katherine.

Katherine: Thank you dear.

Sweezus: She's the Mother of Dragons.

Katherine: Oh I wouldn't go that far.

Herr Schopenhauer (darkly): Just like my mother.....

David: Well then. Shall we GO?

They walk out of the office, down the stairs and to the footpath, where Gaius and Ray are waiting.

The universe may not be rational, but it is good at timing.

Scatological Determinings

Katherine arrives in Ward 5 at 10 am. Gaius and Ray are dressed and ready to go home.

But they must wait for a final okay from the doctor.

Where is the doctor?

No one knows.

Katherine sits down in an armchair and opens her handbag.

You have a parking ticket, Ray, says Katherine. It's in here somewhere.

A parking ticket! says Ray. How can that be?  I've been in hospital!

You only get one hour on Gilles Street, says Katherine.

I shall complain, says Ray. I have a good case.

You do indeed, says Gaius. Why don't you call Victor?

No, don't call Victor, says Katherine.

The doctor comes in.

Going home are we? says the doctor. That's good. Take it easy. Got your pills? No? Well then, you'd better wait for the pharmacist.

For goodness sake, says Katherine.

Yes, says the doctor. It's a bugger. But you'll get out eventually. Everyone does, one way or another. Ha ha.

........

At last Gaius and Ray have been discharged, and have left the hospital with Katherine.

Here they are now, at the Ute.

What's that in the back there? says Ray.

Dog shit, says Katherine. Can you believe it?

No, says Ray. How long has it been there?

At least 24 hours by the look of it, says Gaius. See how it's half dried.

Is it Porky's? says Ray. Because if it is, Katherine, I think you should  have removed it.

I didn't remove it, says Katherine, because it is evidence.

What of? says Ray. Apart from the obvious.

Porky's dear little body is missing, says Katherine. This is all that remains.

And you say I have a parking ticket? says Ray.

He looks at Gaius.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? says Ray

Gaius isn't thinking what Ray's thinking. He is thinking along different lines. Lines of comparative faecal analysis.

What are you thinking, Ray? asks Katherine.

That the person who wrote out the ticket may have removed the body, says Ray.

And what are you thinking, Gaius? says Katherine.

I am as convinced as I can be without further testing, says Gaius, that these faeces are of human origin.

What a repulsive scenario, says  Katherine. Let us leave it at that. Now, may I drive you both home?

My home is in Blaxland, says Ray.

I need to find Arthur at once, says Gaius.

Well, drop me off at David's office, says Katherine. I've a luncheon appointment. You two can sort yourselves out.

Dog Heaven And Wonderful Treasures

David and Vello are enjoying their early morning ride.

They stop for a coffee at Cibo's.

Poor mother, says David. We shouldn't have joked about dog heaven.

Why not? says Vello. It will cheer her to have something pleasant to think about.

That's just it, says David, sipping his Skinny Chai Latte. Mother is no fool. She'll be imagining it at this very moment. And it won't be in any way cheering.

Vello thinks for a moment.

You're  right David, says Vello. No dog lover should try to imagine dog heaven. Well, I suppose we ought to get going. We have an early appointment.

Oh yes, our German philosopher, says David. I'm looking forward to meeting Herr Schopenhauer.

So am I, says Vello. I wonder if he is a dog lover?

No, no, says David. I read somewhere he only likes cats.

...........

David is right. Katherine is imagining dog heaven, although purely as an intellectual exercise.

First requirement, thinks Katherine, Dead birds. Second: Dead fish. Third: Meaty bones. Fourth: Other dogs' anuses. Fifth: Piles of excrement. Sixth: Shoes. And of course: Endless tickles administered by ....who? not humans.......dog angels with feathers ....?

What a construct, thinks Katherine. Porky would like it up there.

However, back to reality.......Her phone rings. It's Gaius

Katherine, says Gaius. We're allowed home today. Would you mind bringing Ray's Ute round?

Certainly, says Katherine. What time?

ASAP, says Gaius. The doctor just has to see us.

Katherine has a quick breakfast, and goes out to the Ute.

What's this? A parking ticket? Oh! How fortunate. It's from yesterday. Therefore it's Ray's.

..........

Belle and Sweezus are standing outside Jetty Surf, waiting for Arthur.

Arthur has gone round the back to look in the bin.

Hadn't you better get off to the office, says Belle et Bonne.

Shit ! What's the time? yelps Sweezus. I've got a meeting with Schopenhauer!

You can make it, says Belle et Bonne. You go now. I'll wait for Arthur.

Sweezus hares off to the office.

Arthur appears, looking pleased with himself.

Did you find them? asks Belle et Bonne.

No, says Arthur, but look what I did find.

He holds up a miniature sewing kit, with coloured cottons, tiny scissors and needles.

Oh Arthur! says Belle et Bonne. What a wonderful treasure.

Arthur thrusts his wonderful treasure into the pocket of his Paisley Skull shorts

For now, all is well with the world.

Mother Of Dragons

Next morning at eight, Vello arrives on his bicycle. He knocks on the door.

An early morning ride before work, David? asks Vello. Oh, hello Katherine! What are you doing here?

Mother stayed over, says David. She had a rather unsettling experience. Her dog died in the back of a Ute and then disappeared.

You left out the most important part, David, says Katherine. The dog shit.

Vello is intrigued.

Was there something wrong with it? asks Vello.

It was dead, replies David. That's what was wrong with it.

I mean the dog shit, says Vello. Forgive me if I am being obtuse, but it sounds perfectly normal to me. A dying dog, the sphincter muscle relaxes......

Yes, but then, says Katherine, where is he?

Aha, says Vello, you assume he is alive. I therefore intuit that the dog shit was perfectly normal.

It was, says Katherine, but I don't assume anything of the sort. What is normal anyway? Runny or hard, brown or yellow? Bristling with feathers? It depended on what he'd been eating.

What had he been eating? asks Vello.

Nothing, says Katherine. He was ill.

I wonder if there is a dog heaven? says David. Perhaps he is up there right now.

Oh yes, says Vello. Up there. Playing with his little friends. What was his name?

Porky, says Katherine, stiffly. And he didn't have any little friends.

David and Vello collapse into spasms of disrepectful laughter.

........

Nine o'clock. Lily unlocks the door. Jetty Surf is open for business.

Three customers come in.

But they are not customers. They are Arthur and Sweezus and Belle.

How are we all today? says Lily. Looking for anything in particular?

Yes, says Arthur. My old shorts. I left them here yesterday.

Oh, you're that guy, says Lily.

Dude! says Sweezus. She remembers you!

And you're that other guy, says Lily. I remember you too. You were with your granny.

That wasn't their granny, says Belle. It was Katherine Hume. Mother of Dragons.

Woah! says Lily. Awesome!

Just kidding, says Belle. But you shouldn't make assumptions. Especially on International Womens' Day.

Fuck you, says Lily.

That's better, says Belle. Now tell us, did you find Arthur's shorts? They were orange.

Orange? says Lily. Maybe once. Yeah, we did. We threw them out. There was a phone in one of the pockets. And a gold coin. I'll get them.

She goes out the back. Comes back with the phone and the coin.

Arthur looks sulky.

No bandages. No bamboo sticks. No once orange shorts.

The phone rings.

Aren't you going to answer it? says Lily.

Everyone looks at the phone.

Deep Down You Know You Are

Katherine is rattled. She doesn't know what to make of the pile of dog shit.

If Porky is dead, where has the dog shit come from? And where is Porky now?

She drives straight over to David's house. Knocks on the door.

David opens it. He has been watching Hercule Poirot, The Final Mystery.

What's the matter, mother? says David. Have you seen a ghost?

No, says Katherine. An inexplicable pile of dog shit.

Come in and sit down, says David. I'll make a cup of tea.

Katherine sits down in front of the television.

Hercule Poirot is in bed, dying, but none the less intent on solving his last crime.

He fiddles with his rosary beads, appearing to be spiritually troubled.

David brings the tea in.

Katherine tells David what has happened.

Empirically speaking, says David, you have a pile of dog shit. What's the problem?

David, says Katherine, surely you can see the dog shit begs a question.

But David refuses to see beyond the concrete.

Katherine sips her tea, and starts to feel better.

Poirot shot the villain in cold blood, says David, matter-of-factly.

How on earth do you know that? says Katherine.

Just guessing, says David. But I bet I'm right.

........

Arthur is in the Rundle Mall, outside the Jetty Surf shop.

He is peering through the darkened window, when Sweezus and Belle arrive.

Arthur! says Belle. We saw your poem. Did you really do the washing up?

Arthur holds his wrists out  for inspection, so she can see the scummy bracelets for herself.

Awesome! says Sweezus. Truth in art. Wish I could write poetry like that.

It's not easy, says Arthur. It involves the total disordering of the senses.

Yeah? says Sweezus. Schopenhauer says that thoughts die on the page........

Never mind what he says, says Belle et Bonne. What are you doing here, Arthur?

I left my old shorts in there, says Arthur. Hanging on the change room door. I want them back.

Why? says Belle. You've got those lovely new ones. Did you leave something in the pockets?

Lots of things, says Arthur. But it's the shorts I want back. I miss them.

He peers again into the darkness of the surf shop.

From inside comes the faint sound of a phone ringing.

That'll be Gaius, calling you about Tasmania, says Belle et Bonne.

I'm not going, says Arthur.

Deep down you know you are, says Belle et Bonne.

Resurrection And Closure

Belle and Sweezus have left to look for Arthur.

Katherine has gone back to move Ray's Ute.

In Ward 5, Gaius is sitting up in bed, reading the notes Sweezus has taken at the lecture.

Snorkelling, says Gaius. That is not what I expected.

He scans further down the page, to the Funisia.

Ray, says Gaius. What do you make of this?

Ray pokes his head out from the covers.

There's only one word for it, says Ray.

What is it? says the nurse, appearing out of nowhere.

Pornography, says Ray. Disgusting protuberances.

That's three words, Ray, says the nurse.

She looks closely at the doodle.

Nothing we haven't seen before, says the nurse. Put it away now.

Arthur would have taken proper notes, says Gaius. Where is he? And when will I get out of here?

Tomorrow morning, says the nurse. After the doctor sees you.

And me? asks Ray.

You too, says the nurse.

...........

Sweezus and Belle enter the Hotel Wright Street.

They see Arthur's poem on the chalk board.

The waiter comes out of the kitchen.

There you are, says the waiter. I must say, you're some friend.

What does he mean? asks Belle et Bonne.

You left him to pay the bill when he had no money, says the waiter. He washed the dishes, and then he wrote a poem.

How did he go, washing the dishes? asks Belle et Bonne.

Terrible, says the waiter. I'm doing them again.

I bet he didn't use any detergent, says Belle et Bonne.

He didn't, says the waiter.

The snakes had money, says Sweezus. And Arthur had a gold coin in his pocket.

The snakes left, when Arthur passed out after drinking too much tequila, says the waiter. And Arthur had nothing in his pocket. No phone, no money.

Shit! says Sweezus. I know what's happened! And I know where Arthur'll be. Thanks mate!

Where are we going? says Belle et Bonne.

The Surf Shop, says Sweezus.

It's nine o'clock on Tuesday night, says Belle et Bonne. It won't be open.

.......

Katherine is not far away. She is in Gilles Street looking for Ray's Ute.

Where is it now? Things look different in the dark.........aha, that looks like it!

She walks up to the vehicle. Opens her handbag, rummages around to find the keys.

She is about to open the door on the driver's side when she remembers Porky.

Oh no. He must still be in the tray! Poor dead Porky.

She walks round to the back of the Toyota Ute and looks in gingerly.

There is the empty plastic shopping bag, its handles rustling gently in the autumn evening breeze.

And right beside it sits a little pile of dog shit.

Fundamentally All Things Are Inexplicable

Arthur is washing dishes.

It is not what he likes to do best, but he has no money.

Nothing but an empty snake box.

(What if I give you this snake box? he had asked the waiter. But the waiter had no use for a snake box.)

So Arthur is washing the dishes and the waiter is watching.

I could write you a poem, says Arthur.

How long would it be? says the waiter.

As long as you like, replies Arthur.

Not too long, says the waiter. Because you still have to finish the dishes.

I meant instead of the dishes, says Arthur. I could write it on the chalk board.

Are you a poet? asks the waiter.

Yes, says Arthur. Give me some chalk and something to stand on.

Stand on the snake box, says the waiter.

It's my snake box, says Arthur.

So? says the waiter.

I am in your employ, says Arthur. And you are making me use my own snake box. That means less dishes.

Arthur places the snake box in front of the chalk board. Then he stands on the snake box and writes:

SCUM.
Duck fat on the plate and the palate
delicate bracelets of scum
after I washed up here.
Arthur Rimbaud.

Did he write that? says the waiter.

He did now, says Arthur.

The waiter looks Arthur up and down, as he stands on the snake box.

Nice shorts, says the waiter. Paisley Skull.

And yet, they are to blame for my troubles, says Arthur.

Tell me how that can be, says the waiter.

(Business is quiet this evening).

These shorts, says Arthur, have empty pockets. My old ones contained useful things.

Money? says the waiter. A phone?

Bandages, says Arthur. Bamboo sticks.

Here, says the waiter, handing Arthur a dish cloth. Use that if you need a bandage. You can go now. But give me back the chalk.

Life Happens While We Are Doing Other Things

It's early evening, all over Adelaide.

Arthur is slumped over a table in the Wright Street Hotel.

The waiter taps him gently.

You might want to pay this, says the waiter.

........

Olive Python and Charles Red-belly are at the Flinders Street Bus Station.

Charles has the money.

In Olive's head she is already in the Pilbara, lying supine in the sun, in the shape of an alligator........

......

Sweezus is in the Pacific Cultures Gallery at the SA Museum. He is not taking notes.

The lecture is not about surfing, but Ediacaran Biota.

Imagine, says Professor Mary Droser, that you are snorkelling over an ancient sea bed. You might see Dickinsonia here and Funisia Dorothea over there, in random patches.

Sweezus writes SNORKELLING, and draws a happy face.

We think the Funisia was capable of sexual reproduction, says Professor Mary Droser. And these ones like needles, may have been able to move.

Sweezus gives up writing anything down. He doodles a feathery Funisia in flagrante delicto.

He gazes up at the twig and string alligators suspended above him.

Are they moving. Or not? Moving? Or not. Or moving..... hypnotically..... in tandem.

Imagine, says Professor Mary Droser, a huge dump of sand suddenly engulfs us, as we sit on our sticky algal mats.

Sweezus wakes up, and starts paying attention..

..........

 In Ward 5, Gaius is sitting up looking much better. Ray Moon is still lying down.

Sweezie should be back soon, says Belle. Gaius you were so naughty. You knew the lecture wasn't about surfing.

I would have preferred to send Arthur, says Gaius. Arthur is more reliable. Where is Arthur? Hand me my phone.

He tries to call Arthur.

No answer.

Drat the boy! says Gaius.

Which boy? says Katherine, appearing at the far side of Ray Moon's bed.

She pokes Ray in an encouraging manner. Ray assumes the foetal position.

I would have come sooner, says Katherine, but I was detained at the police station. By that Victor!

Oh, Katherine! says Belle et Bonne.

Yes indeed, dear, says Katherine. Don't ever go into a police station without taking some reading material. I was in there for ages while he wrote down in detail every single thing that had happened. It seems one may not attempt to retrieve a perfectly harmless jar of saliva from a shelf behind a policeman. Ridiculous! And then, when I tried to ............

Gaius closes his eyes, and tries to think of Tasmania.

On The Suffering Of The World

The waiter brings over more drinks.

Arthur is drinking tequila Mexican style with sangrita. The snakes prefer absinthe.

That's two lies you've told us, says Charles, his eyes like green pinpoints of light pricking Arthur's blue ones.

Arthur looks down.

Thief of fire, says Charles Red-belly.

What is it you want? says Arthur.

His knees are itchy. The Skull shorts are new, and their pockets are empty.

The snakes are not looking at Arthur, but at the television screen in the corner, where a python is swallowing an alligator.

.......

In Ward 5, Ray Moon has emerged from the bedclothes.

What day is it? groans Ray Moon.

Tuesday, says Sweezus.

Tuesday! says Gaius. I had something to do on Tuesday. What was it?

Sweezus, says Ray. Forgive me!

Geez Ray, says Sweezus. What for?

I no longer believe, says Ray. I'm now a Beaudelarian.

Awesome! says Sweezus. That's cool. I'm into Schopenhauer.

Schopenhauer! says Belle et Bonne. Wasn't it him that said that thing about animals eating each other?

Yeah, that's him, says Sweezus, If you think enjoyment outweighs pain in this world, compare the feelings of an animal engaged in eating another with the feelings of the one being eaten. Epic!

Ray sinks back under the covers.

Gaius remembers what it was he was supposed to be doing on Tuesday.

The Sprigg Lecture! he cries, hitting the side of his head with the pee bottle.

Careful, says the nurse, coming over. She takes the pee bottle away.

I really wanted to go to that lecture, says Gaius. It's at the Museum. I booked a ticket.

It's just up the road, says Belle et Bonne. Maybe you could......

No, he couldn't, says the nurse, coming back with a sputum mug. Doctor wants to do some more tests.
Spit into this Mr Secundus.

I don't want one, says Gaius. I feel better already.

But the nurse has gone out of the ward. ( She is busy ).

What is it? asks Sweezus.

Apparently, says Gaius, it's a sputum mug. We shouldn't have asked for a 'jar'.

No, the lecture, says Sweezus.

Oh, the lecture! says Gaius. It's called, if I remember.....Riding The Ediacaran Wave.

Mega! says Sweezus. A lecture on surfing! How come?

Gaius does not disabuse him. He has thought of a brilliant plan.

Perhaps you could go in my place, says Gaius. You could take notes.

Sure, says Sweezus. Count me in. Have you got any paper?

Gaius thinks he may have some somewhere.

And a pen or a pencil? says Sweezus.

Does anyone have a pen or a pencil?

Sweezus is poked in the back by a small pointy object.

Ray still has his crucifix pencils.

What Would You Save If Your House Was On Fire?

That's to pee in! says the nurse, coming over to Gaius's bed. What are you doing?

I think he's delirious, says Belle.

I am not delirious, says Gaius. I am producing saliva. A jar would have been more appropriate. I asked for a jar.

I did ask for a jar, says Belle quickly.

We don't give out jars, says the nurse. If you need to spit, I'll get you a wipe.

Gaius leans back on his pillow.

I don't understand modern medicine, he sighs. Or modern policing, he adds.

The nurse tries to look sympathetic.

..........

Belle's phone rings. It's Sweezus.

Hi Belle, says Sweezus. I'm back.

Sweezie! cries Belle. Where are you? In the office?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Arthur and me, we ran out of money.

Oh good! says Belle. I mean, well, you know, not all bad......

Yeah, says Sweezus. Oh and hey! How's Gaius doing?

Terrible, says Belle. His knee's like a football.

Epic! says Sweezus. Maybe I'll come over.

Yes, come, says Belle. I'll be here. And Gaius isn't going anywhere.

.......

Twenty minutes later Sweezus appears in Ward 5, in his Bender Mash Beach Shorts.

Oh wow! says Belle.

Several nurses look sideways at Sweezus approvingly.

Sweezus affects not to notice. He approaches the bed in which Gaius is regretting modern medicine.

Sweezus! says Gaius. Is Arthur with you?

Nup, says Sweezus. He's helping the snakes spend their money. Last seen eating Duck Papardelle.

Their money! snorts Gaius. THEIR money! That is my money for Tasmania.

My money too! croaks a voice from the bed alongside.

.........

Arthur has finished the Duck.

The snakes watch him put the fork down.

What would you save if your house was on fire? asks Charles Red-belly.

The fire, says Arthur.

Flowers Of Evil

Arthur, Sweezus and the snakes are in the Wright Street Hotel, drinking up the money.

It's all our money, says Charles Red-belly. Have whatever  you like.

Yes, all our money, says Olive. Why don't you look at the menu? Order something to eat.

Even Sweezus is becoming suspicious. Maybe it's not all their money.

Arthur looks at the menu.

He decides to have Papardelle Duck.

I'll just have ......Purple Carrot Dumplings, says Sweezus. Then I 'd better get going.

The Purple Carrot Dumplings come first. Sweezus scoffs four of them quickly.

Right! I'm off to the office, says Sweezus. See you guys later!

Arthur is still waiting for his Papardelle Duck.

I like duck, says Olive. Not cooked though. Charles likes small mammals and, guess what! he eats other snakes!

Charles is not happy with the turn of the conversation.

Did you know Beaudelaire? he asks Arthur.

No, says Arthur. Why are you asking?

I'm a fan, says Charles Red-belly. Ever since I read Flowers of Evil.

Here's your Papardelle Duck, says Olive.

Arthur picks up a fork and starts eating.

...........

Sweezus has reached the office. He hopes Belle et Bonne will be there.

He hopes this because he wants her to see his new shorts while they still look awesome.

He opens the door.

David and Vello look up.

Aha! says Vello. Sweezus! Come to do some work at last! What terrible shorts!

Hardly suitable wear for the office, says David. What are those, horses?

Tigers and panthers, says Sweezus. Your mother bought them. Where's Belle?

She off visiting Gaius at the RAH, says David. He's been bitten.......My MOTHER bought them?

Is he okay? asks Sweezus. Yes she did.

I don't know, says David. Why don't you call her?

Sweezus picks up the landline and calls.

........

Gaius is lying in bed in Ward 5.

He feels woozy.

Nurse! says Gaius.

It's me, says Belle et Bonne.

Nurse! says Gaius again. Bring me a jar.

Belle goes over to the nurses' station to ask for a jar, but is given a bottle.

She gives it to Gaius, who inexplicably puts it to his lips.