Els Quatre Gats.
In walks Ortega y Gasset.
Looks around. Where are the other philosophers?
Yoo hoo! calls David. Over here! You must be Ortega y Gasset.
Ortega y Gasset wonders if it's a trick question.
Not even a question. A trick statement.
He maintains a straight Spanish face.
You old fool, shouts Vello, across the restaurant. I'd recognise that hat anywhere!
Ortega y Gasset is about to crack a thin smile when in walks George Santayana.
Could there be a worse circumstance? George wears an identical hat.
Hi there! says George Santayana (who is Spanish but lives in America)
George! cries David. Come and sit down. Is it really you?
Yes, it's me, you crazy old empiricist, says George Santayana, slapping David on the back and nearly dislodging his pintxos.
Cah! coughs David.
Oh dear, are you okay? says George, all concerned.
Ortega y Gasset plops down in a spare chair.
Snap with the hats, fellows! says Vello. I had a hat once. Remember it David?
David does remember. Why is Vello bringing it up now?
Perhaps to break the awkward tension. Good old Vello.
Yes, says David. A high pointed hat. You tried to get on a bus, but the hat was too tall, and you had blackberries under it......
Oh yes! yelps Vello, in helpless spasms of laughter. And the juice ran down my face and the driver thought I was bleeding....
Ahem, says Ortega y Gasset, still po-faced, and delicately taking his hat off.
Bwah-hah-hah, laughs George Santayana. Come on José. Small things. Remember?
Yes! says David. 'For the person for whom small things do not exist, the great is not great'.
That's great, says Ortega y Gasset.
Everyone laughs. Because it is one of his aphorisms.
And after all, are they not equals?
..........
Belle et Bonne and Marie are walking through Parc Joan Miro, admiring the futuristic sculptures (of some time ago).
Not really looking.
So what did you DO? asks Belle et Bonne. Did you go out?
Yes, I took him to an art exhibition, says Marie. Art After Dark.
Isn't he a bit arty? says Belle et Bonne. His mum's got a craft shop.
Yes, says Marie. He's so funny. We walked into this gallery, and it was dark, and there was this screen and they were showing a film of.......well, he thought they were stromatolites.
And what were they? asks Belle.
Penises, says Marie. Cartoon penises, waving in unison, big ones and little ones.
Wicked! says Belle et Bonne. What did he say when you told him.
I didn't need to tell him, says Marie. He soon realised.
Hee hee, giggles Belle.
What vulgar things these girls talk about!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Predators In Barcelona
Barcelona. Belle et Bonne arrives first.
Marie! cries Belle et Bonne when they meet at a café called Els Quatre Gats, where Picasso used to meet Dali.
Belle! cries Marie. How lovely to see you. How did the Tour go?
So-so, says Belle et Bonne. Sweezus wasn't totally focused. Arthur was ....Arthur. And Sweezie gave him a knife! Unni was as prickly as usual. How's things back home?
Freezing. says Marie. And quiet. There was so little to do I had to amuse myself with a series of torrid affairs.
Cool, says Belle et Bonne. Let's go and explore Barcelona and you can tell me all about them. Where would you like to go first?
Let's walk to the Parc de la Cuitadella, says Marie. Then get pintxos for lunch. And drink vermouth. Then, let's climb Montjuiic.
You are energetic, says Belle et Bonne . Who were all these lovers? Do I know them?
One was Surfing-with Whales, says Marie.
Jeeeeesus! says Belle et Bonne.
A Spaniard who happens to be passing, looks offended.
Perhaps that's his name.
Marie and Belle walk to the Parc. The sun is shining and the streets bristle with tourists.
They stop to look at La Pedrera, a modernista style building by Antoni Gaudi.
How wondrous it is. No straight lines, tangled balconies, doors of twisted kelp, natural forms made of brick and mortar.
Surfing-With Whales! says Belle et Bonne, turning from La Pedrera. He was Unni's old boyfriend. What was he like?
Brain of a cheese sandwich, says Marie. But okay in some departments. How's Vello? And David?
They're coming to Barcelona for a meeting of Spanish philosophers, says Belle et Bonne.
O to be a fly on the wall, says Marie.
........
In Madrid, José Ortega y Gasset is about to depart for Barcelona.
He takes his panama hat from the hat box. Puts it on, at an angle.
He was so handsome when he was young. Now he looks predatory.
But what can he do?
He is himself and his circumstances.....
...........
Vello and David are on a very fast train, which will soon reach Barcelona.
They have finished the Paris macarons, and run out of sparkling water.
They look out of the window, at modern life passing.
Modern life is passing the window of the very fast train at a speed equal to the speed of the very fast train.
This is what both philosophers are thinking.
But neither observes it aloud, because as a philosophical thought it needs further examination ............
Schopenhauer comes back from the toilet.
He sits down and looks out of the window at modern life passing.
I suppose there are no macarons left, says Schopenhauer, supposing correctly.
Marie! cries Belle et Bonne when they meet at a café called Els Quatre Gats, where Picasso used to meet Dali.
Belle! cries Marie. How lovely to see you. How did the Tour go?
So-so, says Belle et Bonne. Sweezus wasn't totally focused. Arthur was ....Arthur. And Sweezie gave him a knife! Unni was as prickly as usual. How's things back home?
Freezing. says Marie. And quiet. There was so little to do I had to amuse myself with a series of torrid affairs.
Cool, says Belle et Bonne. Let's go and explore Barcelona and you can tell me all about them. Where would you like to go first?
Let's walk to the Parc de la Cuitadella, says Marie. Then get pintxos for lunch. And drink vermouth. Then, let's climb Montjuiic.
You are energetic, says Belle et Bonne . Who were all these lovers? Do I know them?
One was Surfing-with Whales, says Marie.
Jeeeeesus! says Belle et Bonne.
A Spaniard who happens to be passing, looks offended.
Perhaps that's his name.
Marie and Belle walk to the Parc. The sun is shining and the streets bristle with tourists.
They stop to look at La Pedrera, a modernista style building by Antoni Gaudi.
How wondrous it is. No straight lines, tangled balconies, doors of twisted kelp, natural forms made of brick and mortar.
Surfing-With Whales! says Belle et Bonne, turning from La Pedrera. He was Unni's old boyfriend. What was he like?
Brain of a cheese sandwich, says Marie. But okay in some departments. How's Vello? And David?
They're coming to Barcelona for a meeting of Spanish philosophers, says Belle et Bonne.
O to be a fly on the wall, says Marie.
........
In Madrid, José Ortega y Gasset is about to depart for Barcelona.
He takes his panama hat from the hat box. Puts it on, at an angle.
He was so handsome when he was young. Now he looks predatory.
But what can he do?
He is himself and his circumstances.....
...........
Vello and David are on a very fast train, which will soon reach Barcelona.
They have finished the Paris macarons, and run out of sparkling water.
They look out of the window, at modern life passing.
Modern life is passing the window of the very fast train at a speed equal to the speed of the very fast train.
This is what both philosophers are thinking.
But neither observes it aloud, because as a philosophical thought it needs further examination ............
Schopenhauer comes back from the toilet.
He sits down and looks out of the window at modern life passing.
I suppose there are no macarons left, says Schopenhauer, supposing correctly.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
That's Everyone Disposed Of
The best thing about Le Tour being over is:
You are in Paris.
Why do they all want to leave?
Belle et Bonne, Sweezus, Arthur, Unni, Gaius, Vello, David, Schopenhauer, Ageless, Louttit, Louis-Claude, Freud and Baby Pierre are sitting at a table outside Les Deux Magots.
They all have their plans.
I'm meeting Marie in Barcelona, says Belle et Bonne. She wants a Mediterranean holiday
Marie! says Vello. Then who will look after the office?
I will! says Baby Pierre.
Very funny, says Ageless. Are you a philosopher?
I am an atheist and free thinker says Baby Pierre. Always was. Always will be. Ee! Ee!
Awesome! says Sweezus. He could do it!
No, he couldn't, says David. He is full of contradictions. A free thinker ought not ........
And in any case, says Freud. He is coming with me. He will be a great asset in my new business, Popup Paintball. The children all love him.
Geez! says Sweezus. You're so good at business. I forgot about mine. Except that night when I had that gruesome nightmare. I brought all these cool fliers with me. Still got all of 'em.
Why can't you and David look after the office, papa? asks Belle et Bonne. Aren't you going home either?
No, says Vello. David and I are also going to Barcelona. There's a meeting of Spanish philosophers.
Why haven't I heard of it? asks Belle et Bonne.
There are not many of them, says David.
Meetings or Spanish philosophers? says Baby Pierre.
O he is a sharp one.
We are meeting with José Ortega y Gasset, says Vello. And it can't be postponed.
I should like to meet José Ortega y Gasset, says Schopenhauer. I would like to hear his views on natural history.
He has no views on natural history, says David. He is modern . He is into technology, as I seem to remember. But you are welcome to come along with us.
Yes, yes, you are, says Vello. The more philosophers the better.
Belle et Bonne tries not to look doubtful.
Count me out, says Gaius. I'm off to join Bush Blitz. Margaret told me about it. They seek out new and undescribed species. Like Arthur's spider.
That was a dream, says Arthur. A big orange hairy spider. In Tasmania. Found by a boy.
It was a prescient dream then, says Gaius. Such a spider was found in Tasmania by a boy. He was participating in Bush Blitz. You will like Bush Blitz, Arthur. And your new knife may turn out to be useful.
Actually, says Arthur, I'm thinking of going to Barcelona.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Barcelona'll be warm. I might join you. I've got heaps of cash left from ...err
That ghost written article in which you defamed me! says Schopenhauer.
Now then, says David. You have changed your philosophy. Don't deny it. You are quite the hedonist. Look how fussily you look after your pants.
Is anyone going to Tasmania? asks Louis-Claude. Je regrette, but that is my home.
I'm going in spring time, says Unni. When Dismal Swamp's open. Why not come back with me to Blaxland. Dad's congregation will love you.
Louis-Claude's day is made. To travel with Unni, who always reminds him of Rose!
There is still the problem of who will look after the office. Who is left? It may have to be...
Ageless, says Vello. I wonder...
Say no more, says Ageless. I will look after the office. It will be safe in my capable claws. I have plans already. There are more philosophers in the marine world than you may suppose.
Very true, says Captain Louttit, nodding sagely. I myself....
Ageless did not mean Captain Louttit, but he also nods sagely.
Vello and David are lulled into a sense of complacency, almost Spanish in nature.
That's everyone disposed of.
Olé.
You are in Paris.
Why do they all want to leave?
Belle et Bonne, Sweezus, Arthur, Unni, Gaius, Vello, David, Schopenhauer, Ageless, Louttit, Louis-Claude, Freud and Baby Pierre are sitting at a table outside Les Deux Magots.
They all have their plans.
I'm meeting Marie in Barcelona, says Belle et Bonne. She wants a Mediterranean holiday
Marie! says Vello. Then who will look after the office?
I will! says Baby Pierre.
Very funny, says Ageless. Are you a philosopher?
I am an atheist and free thinker says Baby Pierre. Always was. Always will be. Ee! Ee!
Awesome! says Sweezus. He could do it!
No, he couldn't, says David. He is full of contradictions. A free thinker ought not ........
And in any case, says Freud. He is coming with me. He will be a great asset in my new business, Popup Paintball. The children all love him.
Geez! says Sweezus. You're so good at business. I forgot about mine. Except that night when I had that gruesome nightmare. I brought all these cool fliers with me. Still got all of 'em.
Why can't you and David look after the office, papa? asks Belle et Bonne. Aren't you going home either?
No, says Vello. David and I are also going to Barcelona. There's a meeting of Spanish philosophers.
Why haven't I heard of it? asks Belle et Bonne.
There are not many of them, says David.
Meetings or Spanish philosophers? says Baby Pierre.
O he is a sharp one.
We are meeting with José Ortega y Gasset, says Vello. And it can't be postponed.
I should like to meet José Ortega y Gasset, says Schopenhauer. I would like to hear his views on natural history.
He has no views on natural history, says David. He is modern . He is into technology, as I seem to remember. But you are welcome to come along with us.
Yes, yes, you are, says Vello. The more philosophers the better.
Belle et Bonne tries not to look doubtful.
Count me out, says Gaius. I'm off to join Bush Blitz. Margaret told me about it. They seek out new and undescribed species. Like Arthur's spider.
That was a dream, says Arthur. A big orange hairy spider. In Tasmania. Found by a boy.
It was a prescient dream then, says Gaius. Such a spider was found in Tasmania by a boy. He was participating in Bush Blitz. You will like Bush Blitz, Arthur. And your new knife may turn out to be useful.
Actually, says Arthur, I'm thinking of going to Barcelona.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Barcelona'll be warm. I might join you. I've got heaps of cash left from ...err
That ghost written article in which you defamed me! says Schopenhauer.
Now then, says David. You have changed your philosophy. Don't deny it. You are quite the hedonist. Look how fussily you look after your pants.
Is anyone going to Tasmania? asks Louis-Claude. Je regrette, but that is my home.
I'm going in spring time, says Unni. When Dismal Swamp's open. Why not come back with me to Blaxland. Dad's congregation will love you.
Louis-Claude's day is made. To travel with Unni, who always reminds him of Rose!
There is still the problem of who will look after the office. Who is left? It may have to be...
Ageless, says Vello. I wonder...
Say no more, says Ageless. I will look after the office. It will be safe in my capable claws. I have plans already. There are more philosophers in the marine world than you may suppose.
Very true, says Captain Louttit, nodding sagely. I myself....
Ageless did not mean Captain Louttit, but he also nods sagely.
Vello and David are lulled into a sense of complacency, almost Spanish in nature.
That's everyone disposed of.
Olé.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Stage Twenty One: Evry to Paris Champs-Elysées - Everyone a Winner Almost
The last day. Everything is already decided.
Nibali is the winner, Péraud second, Pinot third, Sagan gets the green jersey and Majka is king of the mountain. Marianne Vos has just won La Course.
Pardon?
Oh yes the WOMEN had their little race earlier.....
Vello is riding out of Evry with Schopenhauer and Gaius. It is sunny. They are drinking champagne.
Smile! cries Belle et Bonne, jumping out to take a photo.
I suppose I should have done that, says David. I'm the Team Manager.
Gaius wobbles to a halt.
And a very good job you've done, David, says Gaius. Do you know, I found a hornet yesterday in Périgueux with a ten centimetre stinger.
My my! Any spiders? asks David.
Sadly no, says Gaius, but at least you inspired me to look. When I get home I shall......
Do get on your bike, Gaius, says Belle et Bonne You're holding everyone up.
Yes, get on, says Ageless who is rolling up behind them with Louttit and Louis-Claude alongside.
The crowd at the roadside starts clapping. Ageless waves, with his uppermost leg.
Hoo-hoo-parp! What's that noise?
Where ees Baby Pierre? calls a petit enfant from the sidelines.
Freud appears suddenly.
Coming shortly, says Freud, with a twinkle.
(He's short, get it?)
But French children don't get German puns.
......
Here come Sweezus, Unni and Arthur, riding together.
Only Arthur looks happy. His new knife is wedged under his leg band. The couteau nontron.
Sweezus is saying, to Unni: But you didn't want anything.
Unni is saying: A medal. I just don't want a medal.
Sweezus: I didn't get you a medal.
Unni: Because Arthur said I'd be insulted.
Sweezus: It was his idea in the first place.
Unni: You're kidding! Was it?
She laughs at the unfathomable nature of Arthur, who lives a charmed life.
..........
Now the race is in earnest.
Péraud falls down, and gets up again while everyone waits.
Richie Porte leads a breakaway, with Morkov, Serpa and Fonseca.
Richie is last to be caught. Well done Richie!
And then Marcel Kittel comes through. Super-happy!
.......
Baby Pierre has escaped from the motor cycle top box where Freud had him imprisoned.
How has he done it? Easy. Zoomed out when Freud was extracting his lunch.
Zwooom! Baby Pierre rides to the finish at the Arc de Triomphe, scattering green paint spots.
Pitt! Pitt! Pitt! Pitt!
Ooh! cry the petit enfants ! Maman ! Now we all have green jerseys. C'est formidable! Hourra for Baby Pierre!
........
Cheng Ji, the one Chinese rider, rides alongside the Seine.
Below is the green billowing water
The sky is long, the road is far
Bitter flies his spirit
The spirit he dreams can't get through.
Crash!
Left elbow, knee trauma.
Au revoir Le Tour!
Nibali is the winner, Péraud second, Pinot third, Sagan gets the green jersey and Majka is king of the mountain. Marianne Vos has just won La Course.
Pardon?
Oh yes the WOMEN had their little race earlier.....
Vello is riding out of Evry with Schopenhauer and Gaius. It is sunny. They are drinking champagne.
Smile! cries Belle et Bonne, jumping out to take a photo.
I suppose I should have done that, says David. I'm the Team Manager.
Gaius wobbles to a halt.
And a very good job you've done, David, says Gaius. Do you know, I found a hornet yesterday in Périgueux with a ten centimetre stinger.
My my! Any spiders? asks David.
Sadly no, says Gaius, but at least you inspired me to look. When I get home I shall......
Do get on your bike, Gaius, says Belle et Bonne You're holding everyone up.
Yes, get on, says Ageless who is rolling up behind them with Louttit and Louis-Claude alongside.
The crowd at the roadside starts clapping. Ageless waves, with his uppermost leg.
Hoo-hoo-parp! What's that noise?
Freud appears suddenly.
Coming shortly, says Freud, with a twinkle.
(He's short, get it?)
But French children don't get German puns.
......
Here come Sweezus, Unni and Arthur, riding together.
Only Arthur looks happy. His new knife is wedged under his leg band. The couteau nontron.
Sweezus is saying, to Unni: But you didn't want anything.
Unni is saying: A medal. I just don't want a medal.
Sweezus: I didn't get you a medal.
Unni: Because Arthur said I'd be insulted.
Sweezus: It was his idea in the first place.
Unni: You're kidding! Was it?
She laughs at the unfathomable nature of Arthur, who lives a charmed life.
..........
Now the race is in earnest.
Péraud falls down, and gets up again while everyone waits.
Richie Porte leads a breakaway, with Morkov, Serpa and Fonseca.
Richie is last to be caught. Well done Richie!
And then Marcel Kittel comes through. Super-happy!
.......
Baby Pierre has escaped from the motor cycle top box where Freud had him imprisoned.
How has he done it? Easy. Zoomed out when Freud was extracting his lunch.
Zwooom! Baby Pierre rides to the finish at the Arc de Triomphe, scattering green paint spots.
Pitt! Pitt! Pitt! Pitt!
Ooh! cry the petit enfants ! Maman ! Now we all have green jerseys. C'est formidable! Hourra for Baby Pierre!
........
Cheng Ji, the one Chinese rider, rides alongside the Seine.
Below is the green billowing water
The sky is long, the road is far
Bitter flies his spirit
The spirit he dreams can't get through.
Crash!
Left elbow, knee trauma.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Stage Twenty: Bergerac to Périgueux - Humanity
Today is the day of the time trials. The riders wear different hats.
Surprising what difference a hat makes.
Tony Martin looks like a round baby.
Don't tell him that.
Sweezus has finished his time trial. He is in Périgueux.
He is looking at the shops. Specifically, he is browsing in a knife shop.
And surprise! So is Gabriel Gaté!
Sweezus doesn't know whether to say hello to Gabriel Gaté.
You know how it is. When you see someone you know from the telly, you know them but they don't know you.
Sweezus! says Gabriel Gaté, in his thick French accent.
It sounds like 'Sweyzoo'.
There follows a friendly conversation.
I zee you are lookin' at zee knivez, says Gabriel Gaté. Zeez knivez, zey are fammooz. Zey are called couteaux nontrons. Zey are veree strong and zey are 'and-made wiz boxwood in ze ol' fashioned way.
Av you got one? asks Sweezus. Damn. How embarrassing. He has mimicked the accent.
No, says Gabriel Gaté. An' I deed not know you were Franch! Au revoir, Sweyzoo. I must now go to Parees to meet wiz a world fammooz chef.
Sweezus could kick himself.
As a sort of a penance, he buys a couteau nontron, wiz a handle of boxwood, for Arthur.
.......
Vello rides in to Périgueux, having managed a creditable time.
Well done, papa! cries Belle et Bonne.
Yes, well done, says David.
Thank you, says Vello. I must say I'm quite pleased with myself. I was thinking of retiring, but now.....
No don't think of retiring, says David. I've just made the opposite decision.
What is it? asks Vello.
I'm returning to top level racing, says David. I don't like being a manager. Too much pressure. Organising the food bags and everything. Every day. It's relentless.
Belle et Bonne looks at Vello. Don't say what you're thinking, papa.
Vello is about to say it anyway, when .....
In comes Alejandro Valverde, looking dejected.
Followed by Arthur, who has almost surpassed him.
Arthur pulls up. Sweezus appears out of an alleyway.
Epic ride, man! says Sweezus. This is for you!
He hands Arthur a box, wrapped in Périgueux paper, with a Périgueux ribbon.
Vello, Belle et Bonne, David, and Alejandro Valverde look at the box curiously.
Arthur decides he will open it later.
......
Gaius rolls in to Périgueux, at a faster pace than expected.
Has he stopped thinking of spiders? Not exactly.
David has told him that Périgueux is a hotbed of spiders, to give him a much needed incentive.
How clever of David. What a loss it will be to Team Management should David retire.
........
Here comes Ageless pedaling doggedly to the finish.
How did Baby Pierre do? asks Ageless, looking up at the time board.
We haven't seen him, says Belle et Bonne.
I saw him, says Arthur.
Me too, says Alejandro Valverde.
But he hasn't finished? says Ageless. What's the little shit up to?
So Ageless does care after all.
Surprising what difference a hat makes.
Tony Martin looks like a round baby.
Don't tell him that.
Sweezus has finished his time trial. He is in Périgueux.
He is looking at the shops. Specifically, he is browsing in a knife shop.
And surprise! So is Gabriel Gaté!
Sweezus doesn't know whether to say hello to Gabriel Gaté.
You know how it is. When you see someone you know from the telly, you know them but they don't know you.
Sweezus! says Gabriel Gaté, in his thick French accent.
It sounds like 'Sweyzoo'.
There follows a friendly conversation.
I zee you are lookin' at zee knivez, says Gabriel Gaté. Zeez knivez, zey are fammooz. Zey are called couteaux nontrons. Zey are veree strong and zey are 'and-made wiz boxwood in ze ol' fashioned way.
Av you got one? asks Sweezus. Damn. How embarrassing. He has mimicked the accent.
No, says Gabriel Gaté. An' I deed not know you were Franch! Au revoir, Sweyzoo. I must now go to Parees to meet wiz a world fammooz chef.
Sweezus could kick himself.
As a sort of a penance, he buys a couteau nontron, wiz a handle of boxwood, for Arthur.
.......
Vello rides in to Périgueux, having managed a creditable time.
Well done, papa! cries Belle et Bonne.
Yes, well done, says David.
Thank you, says Vello. I must say I'm quite pleased with myself. I was thinking of retiring, but now.....
No don't think of retiring, says David. I've just made the opposite decision.
What is it? asks Vello.
I'm returning to top level racing, says David. I don't like being a manager. Too much pressure. Organising the food bags and everything. Every day. It's relentless.
Belle et Bonne looks at Vello. Don't say what you're thinking, papa.
Vello is about to say it anyway, when .....
In comes Alejandro Valverde, looking dejected.
Followed by Arthur, who has almost surpassed him.
Arthur pulls up. Sweezus appears out of an alleyway.
Epic ride, man! says Sweezus. This is for you!
He hands Arthur a box, wrapped in Périgueux paper, with a Périgueux ribbon.
Vello, Belle et Bonne, David, and Alejandro Valverde look at the box curiously.
Arthur decides he will open it later.
......
Gaius rolls in to Périgueux, at a faster pace than expected.
Has he stopped thinking of spiders? Not exactly.
David has told him that Périgueux is a hotbed of spiders, to give him a much needed incentive.
How clever of David. What a loss it will be to Team Management should David retire.
........
Here comes Ageless pedaling doggedly to the finish.
How did Baby Pierre do? asks Ageless, looking up at the time board.
We haven't seen him, says Belle et Bonne.
I saw him, says Arthur.
Me too, says Alejandro Valverde.
But he hasn't finished? says Ageless. What's the little shit up to?
So Ageless does care after all.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Stage Nineteen: Maubourguet to Bergerac - Slips and Obsessions
Stage nineteen, a flat stage, it is raining, and we already know the Tour winner. How dull.
But no! Something might happen. Let's keep watching.
Sweezus has caught up with Tom-Jelte Slagter, who he knows from before.
Hi Tom-Jelte! says Sweezus, looking sideways at Tom-Jelte Slagter.
Hi Sweezus, says Tom Jelte-Slagter. What are you staring at?
Your helmet, says Sweezus. And how much of your hair's sticking out.
Tja! says Tom-Jelte Slagter. I have no time for thinking of hair. Today I have plans for attempting a courageous breakaway. Excuse me, I must start it just now. Catch up with me after Cote de Monbazillac!
He commences his courageous breakaway, even though it is raining. A camera rolls by, held by a man on a motor bike.
Tom-Jelte grins at the camera. What you see of his hair looks just fine.
Sweezus rides steadily. Tom-Jelte is right. This is no time for vanity.
There is Gaius, just ahead of him.
Hi Gaius, says Sweezus. Shitty, this rain!
What? says Gaius. Is it? Perhaps I should put on my rain jacket.
He fiddles and juggles with zips.
Freud was looking for you, says Sweezus.
I know, says Gaius. He already found me. Silly fellow. Not all obsessions are signs of madness. I simply have an interest in spiders. Did you know....Oops! What was that green flash? Did you see it?
Baby Pierre, says Sweezus. Watch out for him. He's got new green tyres with fluoroelastemers.
Dear me, says Gaius. I hope they grip well in the rain.
A sensible hope.
And Baby Pierre has not hoped it.
He flits in and out of the riders, being a menace.
Flash! The Green Terror! The Green Upset-to-Order. The Green Arrow. The Green Mark of the Claw. The Green Pride of his Daddy (this last is debatable).
All of a sudden he spots Peter Sagan. He rides up behind Peter Sagan.
Baby Pierre admires the green jersey of Peter Sagan. He would like one.
Zwoom! he rides under his wheels. He glances upwards, for a better look at the jersey.
It is still raining heavily.
Baby Pierre's fluoroelastemer tyres lose their grip on the road.
Wheeee! Whaaaa! A lot of riders fall over. But no one is hurt.
Peter Sagan stands up. Hands on hips he waits for a new bicycle. There goes his last hope of a stage.
Baby Pierre zooms away inconspicuously.
Hoo hoo! Crazy-fun tyres!
The crash has not bothered Ramunas Navardaukas of Team Garmin Sharp. He is ahead of it.
Thanks to the efforts of his team mate Tom-Jelte Slagter, Ramunas Navardaukas finds himself in a winning position.
He powers into Bergerac, a proud Lithuanian rider.
But no! Something might happen. Let's keep watching.
Sweezus has caught up with Tom-Jelte Slagter, who he knows from before.
Hi Tom-Jelte! says Sweezus, looking sideways at Tom-Jelte Slagter.
Hi Sweezus, says Tom Jelte-Slagter. What are you staring at?
Your helmet, says Sweezus. And how much of your hair's sticking out.
Tja! says Tom-Jelte Slagter. I have no time for thinking of hair. Today I have plans for attempting a courageous breakaway. Excuse me, I must start it just now. Catch up with me after Cote de Monbazillac!
He commences his courageous breakaway, even though it is raining. A camera rolls by, held by a man on a motor bike.
Tom-Jelte grins at the camera. What you see of his hair looks just fine.
Sweezus rides steadily. Tom-Jelte is right. This is no time for vanity.
There is Gaius, just ahead of him.
Hi Gaius, says Sweezus. Shitty, this rain!
What? says Gaius. Is it? Perhaps I should put on my rain jacket.
He fiddles and juggles with zips.
Freud was looking for you, says Sweezus.
I know, says Gaius. He already found me. Silly fellow. Not all obsessions are signs of madness. I simply have an interest in spiders. Did you know....Oops! What was that green flash? Did you see it?
Baby Pierre, says Sweezus. Watch out for him. He's got new green tyres with fluoroelastemers.
Dear me, says Gaius. I hope they grip well in the rain.
A sensible hope.
And Baby Pierre has not hoped it.
He flits in and out of the riders, being a menace.
Flash! The Green Terror! The Green Upset-to-Order. The Green Arrow. The Green Mark of the Claw. The Green Pride of his Daddy (this last is debatable).
All of a sudden he spots Peter Sagan. He rides up behind Peter Sagan.
Baby Pierre admires the green jersey of Peter Sagan. He would like one.
Zwoom! he rides under his wheels. He glances upwards, for a better look at the jersey.
It is still raining heavily.
Baby Pierre's fluoroelastemer tyres lose their grip on the road.
Wheeee! Whaaaa! A lot of riders fall over. But no one is hurt.
Peter Sagan stands up. Hands on hips he waits for a new bicycle. There goes his last hope of a stage.
Baby Pierre zooms away inconspicuously.
Hoo hoo! Crazy-fun tyres!
The crash has not bothered Ramunas Navardaukas of Team Garmin Sharp. He is ahead of it.
Thanks to the efforts of his team mate Tom-Jelte Slagter, Ramunas Navardaukas finds himself in a winning position.
He powers into Bergerac, a proud Lithuanian rider.
Stage Eighteen: Pau to Hautacam - Green O-Rings
Stage eighteen. The last day in the Pyrenees. The last day for the climbers to shine.
Ageless rides out of Pau, flanked by his henchmen, Louttit and Louis-Claude.
But what is this? A small figure on a tiny bicycle buzzes up out of nowhere and wheee! does a wheelie in front of his daddy.
Curses! says Ageless. It's you again, Baby Pierre. How did you get your tyre fixed?
Yes, how? says Louttit. You, with no team car and no spare parts following.
Et comment? echoes Louis-Claude, his eyes goggling at the shiny green tyres on the bicycle of Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre is proud of his achievement. He wants to explain it. He rides alongside.
A pebble has friends everywhere! cries Baby Pierre. And it's not cheating. I asked the pebbles of Pla d'Adet for assistance.
What help could they possibly be? mutters Ageless.
Hoo-hoo! They collect O-rings! says Baby Pierre. They worship roundness and holiness.
This smacks of invention, says Louttit. And not very good invention. If they worship O- rings why would they give them to you?
Because I have the Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre.
What are they made of, these O-rings? asks Louis-Claude. Are they strong, are they heat resistant?
O yes, says Baby Pierre. They are fluoroelastemer O-rings.
Baby Pierre does another elaborate wheelie, and buzzes off in pursuit of more fame.
..........
Vincenzo Nibali rides steadily up the Col du Tourmelet, intent on proving to be the strongest rider.
Zwoom! A green flash passes under his bicycle.
Team Astana are on the alert. Nothing must spoil the chances of Vincenzo Nibali.
But they needn't worry. Vincenzo stays perfectly focused.
.......
Professor Freud rides up the Col du Tourmelet on his hired motorbike.
He is surprised to see Vello and Schopenhauer sitting on a grass verge.
Given up? says Freud, pulling up in a blast of hot fumes.
No no, says Vello. Just waiting for Gaius to catch up. He's become obsessed with spiders.
You don't say, says Freud. Perhaps I can help him. I'll wait with you.
Got any snacks? asks Schopenhauer. I smell something warm and delicious.
It's gateau à la broche, says Freud. Cake on a spit. A local specialty.
He offers them some. They are nibbling the treat when Sweezus and Arthur ride by.
Sweezus doesn't look happy, says Vello.
Ah, says Freud. It's that game the girls play. It's upset him.
With or without? says Vello. Why, what did they give him?
A 'with', says Freud. Frankly I can't see it makes any difference.
Oh I can, says Schopenhauer. It's all in the hairstyle. We Germans understand it. Look at Marcel Kittel. He never goes anywhere without his hair drier. When he takes off his helmet, he looks like a god.
I see, says Freud slowly. I am an Austrian. It's to do with....
....disappointing hair, says Vello. I always said Sweezus could do with a haircut. ...Oi ! did you see that green flash then?
That was Baby Pierre, says Freud, who seems to know everything. He's got green rubber O-rings for tyres.
A speedy little devil, says Vello. And plucky.
Not registered, says Schopenhauer. And dangerous.
A menace, says Freud.
Ageless rides out of Pau, flanked by his henchmen, Louttit and Louis-Claude.
But what is this? A small figure on a tiny bicycle buzzes up out of nowhere and wheee! does a wheelie in front of his daddy.
Curses! says Ageless. It's you again, Baby Pierre. How did you get your tyre fixed?
Yes, how? says Louttit. You, with no team car and no spare parts following.
Et comment? echoes Louis-Claude, his eyes goggling at the shiny green tyres on the bicycle of Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre is proud of his achievement. He wants to explain it. He rides alongside.
A pebble has friends everywhere! cries Baby Pierre. And it's not cheating. I asked the pebbles of Pla d'Adet for assistance.
What help could they possibly be? mutters Ageless.
Hoo-hoo! They collect O-rings! says Baby Pierre. They worship roundness and holiness.
This smacks of invention, says Louttit. And not very good invention. If they worship O- rings why would they give them to you?
Because I have the Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre.
What are they made of, these O-rings? asks Louis-Claude. Are they strong, are they heat resistant?
O yes, says Baby Pierre. They are fluoroelastemer O-rings.
Baby Pierre does another elaborate wheelie, and buzzes off in pursuit of more fame.
..........
Vincenzo Nibali rides steadily up the Col du Tourmelet, intent on proving to be the strongest rider.
Zwoom! A green flash passes under his bicycle.
Team Astana are on the alert. Nothing must spoil the chances of Vincenzo Nibali.
But they needn't worry. Vincenzo stays perfectly focused.
.......
Professor Freud rides up the Col du Tourmelet on his hired motorbike.
He is surprised to see Vello and Schopenhauer sitting on a grass verge.
Given up? says Freud, pulling up in a blast of hot fumes.
No no, says Vello. Just waiting for Gaius to catch up. He's become obsessed with spiders.
You don't say, says Freud. Perhaps I can help him. I'll wait with you.
Got any snacks? asks Schopenhauer. I smell something warm and delicious.
It's gateau à la broche, says Freud. Cake on a spit. A local specialty.
He offers them some. They are nibbling the treat when Sweezus and Arthur ride by.
Sweezus doesn't look happy, says Vello.
Ah, says Freud. It's that game the girls play. It's upset him.
With or without? says Vello. Why, what did they give him?
A 'with', says Freud. Frankly I can't see it makes any difference.
Oh I can, says Schopenhauer. It's all in the hairstyle. We Germans understand it. Look at Marcel Kittel. He never goes anywhere without his hair drier. When he takes off his helmet, he looks like a god.
I see, says Freud slowly. I am an Austrian. It's to do with....
....disappointing hair, says Vello. I always said Sweezus could do with a haircut. ...Oi ! did you see that green flash then?
That was Baby Pierre, says Freud, who seems to know everything. He's got green rubber O-rings for tyres.
A speedy little devil, says Vello. And plucky.
Not registered, says Schopenhauer. And dangerous.
A menace, says Freud.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Stage Seventeen: St Gaudens to Saint-Lary Pla d'Adet - With or Without
The previous evening.
In their bedrooms, the riders are dreaming their dreams.
Richie Porte dreams he is climbing a shining cloud ladder to The Temple of Kind Favour. How lovely.
Joaquim Rodriguez dreams of eating a bowl of red Froot Loops, with a white plastic spoon.
Alejandro Valverde dreams he is forcefully grabbing a drink bottle. It's a pink Peppa Pig drink bottle! He squeezes it. Strings of pink bubblegum squirt out and gum up his tyres.
Rafal Majka dreams he is in a gondola, with Alberto Contador. Alberto is saying: Buen chico! A blessing!
Ageless is dreaming of Kobo. Click click, he clutches her, wraps his legs around her, he sucks at her creamy outsides, she is unresponsive......
Sweezus dreams of his popup cuttlefish hamburger restaurant, he is making hamburgers, toiling, sweating, the line of customers grows longer, he is under pressure, he wakes up, arg!
Arthur, with whom he is sharing a bedroom, is dreaming of spiders and nothing will wake him.
Belle et Bonne and Unni are awake, talking and laughing, drinking grape juice, playing "With or Without".
........
Stage seventeen. A sunny morning. A short stage with four difficult climbs.
Arthur is riding with Sweezus.
Man, says Sweezus, I had a bad night last night. I had one of those dreams.
Arthur says nothing. What is one of those dreams?
Sweezus rides on in silence.
Arthur gives in and asks, What dreams?
Oh you know, sighs Sweezus. Don't you ever have 'em?
I dreamed of spiders, says Arthur.
Rafal Majka rides past, overhearing.
He is buoyed by the thought that last night he dreamed not of spiders, but of a canoe, in which Alberto was supportive.
Rafal Majka rides up level with Michael Rogers.
How's it going? says Michael Rogers.
Bueno! says Rafal Majka. Today I have the blessing. But Rimbaud dreamed of spiders.
Spiders! says Michael Rogers.
What's this about spiders? says Gaius, who has been idling in Roger's slipstream.
Ask Rimbaud, says Majka, over his shoulder.
Gaius drops back level with Arthur.
They tell me you dreamed of spiders, says Gaius.
Dopeshit! says Sweezus. That buzz travelled fast.
Yes, says Arthur, inventing. I dreamed of a boy who found a new hairy orange spider in Tasmania.
I must look into it, says Gaius, whipping out a short pencil.
Thibaut Pinot is just passing.
Oui, says Thibaut Pinot. J'ai ecouté de cette nouvelle araignée!
Gaius is encouraged by this confirmation. He slows down to scribble more notes
Unni watches Thibaut Pinot disappear up the mountain towards Pla d'Adet, after Rafal Majka.
Without, says Unni, rather too loudly.
With, says Arthur, knowing the game.
With what? says Sweezus.
It's a game Belle and me play, says Unni. Some riders look hotter with helmets, some without.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Do I look better with or without?
With, says Unni, without really thinking.
Sweezus decides not to ask the next question.
They slog on up the mountain to where Rafal is already enjoying his blessing.
In their bedrooms, the riders are dreaming their dreams.
Richie Porte dreams he is climbing a shining cloud ladder to The Temple of Kind Favour. How lovely.
Joaquim Rodriguez dreams of eating a bowl of red Froot Loops, with a white plastic spoon.
Alejandro Valverde dreams he is forcefully grabbing a drink bottle. It's a pink Peppa Pig drink bottle! He squeezes it. Strings of pink bubblegum squirt out and gum up his tyres.
Rafal Majka dreams he is in a gondola, with Alberto Contador. Alberto is saying: Buen chico! A blessing!
Ageless is dreaming of Kobo. Click click, he clutches her, wraps his legs around her, he sucks at her creamy outsides, she is unresponsive......
Sweezus dreams of his popup cuttlefish hamburger restaurant, he is making hamburgers, toiling, sweating, the line of customers grows longer, he is under pressure, he wakes up, arg!
Arthur, with whom he is sharing a bedroom, is dreaming of spiders and nothing will wake him.
Belle et Bonne and Unni are awake, talking and laughing, drinking grape juice, playing "With or Without".
........
Stage seventeen. A sunny morning. A short stage with four difficult climbs.
Arthur is riding with Sweezus.
Man, says Sweezus, I had a bad night last night. I had one of those dreams.
Arthur says nothing. What is one of those dreams?
Sweezus rides on in silence.
Arthur gives in and asks, What dreams?
Oh you know, sighs Sweezus. Don't you ever have 'em?
I dreamed of spiders, says Arthur.
Rafal Majka rides past, overhearing.
He is buoyed by the thought that last night he dreamed not of spiders, but of a canoe, in which Alberto was supportive.
Rafal Majka rides up level with Michael Rogers.
How's it going? says Michael Rogers.
Bueno! says Rafal Majka. Today I have the blessing. But Rimbaud dreamed of spiders.
Spiders! says Michael Rogers.
What's this about spiders? says Gaius, who has been idling in Roger's slipstream.
Ask Rimbaud, says Majka, over his shoulder.
Gaius drops back level with Arthur.
They tell me you dreamed of spiders, says Gaius.
Dopeshit! says Sweezus. That buzz travelled fast.
Yes, says Arthur, inventing. I dreamed of a boy who found a new hairy orange spider in Tasmania.
I must look into it, says Gaius, whipping out a short pencil.
Thibaut Pinot is just passing.
Oui, says Thibaut Pinot. J'ai ecouté de cette nouvelle araignée!
Gaius is encouraged by this confirmation. He slows down to scribble more notes
Unni watches Thibaut Pinot disappear up the mountain towards Pla d'Adet, after Rafal Majka.
Without, says Unni, rather too loudly.
With, says Arthur, knowing the game.
With what? says Sweezus.
It's a game Belle and me play, says Unni. Some riders look hotter with helmets, some without.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Do I look better with or without?
With, says Unni, without really thinking.
Sweezus decides not to ask the next question.
They slog on up the mountain to where Rafal is already enjoying his blessing.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Stage Sixteen: Carcassonne to Bagnères-de-Luchon - Fast Bee
Stage sixteen, and the sun is shining in the beautiful Pyrenees.
The air is full of promise. Bells ring in the bell towers. Vultures hover nearby.
How delightful it is not to be racing Froome, Contador, Cavendish, Talansky.....although of course heartbreaking too.
Rumour is rife in the peloton. Baby Pierre is in town.
He has a wee bicycle. How fast will his bicycle be?
.......
Team Crustacean are not at the top of their game this morning. Perhaps due to yesterday's violet icecream.
Or their breakfast of pétéram, provided by Freud. Sheep tripes, as if anyone knew.
Ageless is listless. His legs work mechanically; his knees creak.
Ko-bo-ko-bo-ko-bo. That's how they sound.
Louttit and Louis-Claude have written him off.
They ride up level with Sweezus and Arthur, who are eating Dardenne chocolates, and Unni, who isn't.
Hi guys, says Sweezus. How's it hangin'? Where's Ageless this morning?
He is doing his best, says Louttit. But even the great psychoanalyst can't seem to help him.
True, says Louis-Claude. If anything Freud is a hindrance. He gave us sheep tripes for breakfast.
You get all the good breakfasts, says Arthur.
Have a chocolate, says Unni.
Yeah, says Sweezus, have a .... oh sorry, none left.
C'est rien, says Louis-Claude. We are full of the sheep tripes.
Where's Baby Pierre? asks Unni. I heard rumours.
No one has seen him, says Louttit.
How amusing.
Just as Louttit is saying 'No one has seen him', here comes Baby Pierre, riding right under their wheels.
He is riding as fast as a bee.
Zwoooooom!
But no one has seen him. So he can't be hauled up by officials.
..........
Vello and Schopenhauer are doing well this morning. The warm air of the Pyrenees suits them.
Vello: Pity about Gaius. He seems to be lagging this morning
Schopenhauer: Too much of that salt cod emulsion.
Vello: It should have the opposite effect.
Schopenhauer: Ha ha! Jet propulsion! Ach! What was that?
(Schopenhauer inexplicably wobbles).
Vello: What's up?
Schopenhauer: It was as though a bee whizzed by and upset my aerodynamics.
Vello: It must have been a very fast bee.
.........
They are not the only riders who have been bothered by something, not a bee, but like one.
Tejay Van Garderen, Alejandro Valverde, Thomas Voeckler.......
Zwoooom! A little wobble. Enough to lose you valuable seconds.
.........
Baby Pierre is discovering the power of being invisible. Weeee! How delightful it is.
He's on the downhill run to the finish, catching up to the leader, Michael Rogers.
Zwooooom!
Pop. Tiny pop. No one hears it.
Baby Pierre has a tiny flat tyre.
But Michael Rogers would have won anyway, because today was the day he was going to.
The air is full of promise. Bells ring in the bell towers. Vultures hover nearby.
How delightful it is not to be racing Froome, Contador, Cavendish, Talansky.....although of course heartbreaking too.
Rumour is rife in the peloton. Baby Pierre is in town.
He has a wee bicycle. How fast will his bicycle be?
.......
Team Crustacean are not at the top of their game this morning. Perhaps due to yesterday's violet icecream.
Or their breakfast of pétéram, provided by Freud. Sheep tripes, as if anyone knew.
Ageless is listless. His legs work mechanically; his knees creak.
Ko-bo-ko-bo-ko-bo. That's how they sound.
Louttit and Louis-Claude have written him off.
They ride up level with Sweezus and Arthur, who are eating Dardenne chocolates, and Unni, who isn't.
Hi guys, says Sweezus. How's it hangin'? Where's Ageless this morning?
He is doing his best, says Louttit. But even the great psychoanalyst can't seem to help him.
True, says Louis-Claude. If anything Freud is a hindrance. He gave us sheep tripes for breakfast.
You get all the good breakfasts, says Arthur.
Have a chocolate, says Unni.
Yeah, says Sweezus, have a .... oh sorry, none left.
C'est rien, says Louis-Claude. We are full of the sheep tripes.
Where's Baby Pierre? asks Unni. I heard rumours.
No one has seen him, says Louttit.
How amusing.
Just as Louttit is saying 'No one has seen him', here comes Baby Pierre, riding right under their wheels.
He is riding as fast as a bee.
Zwoooooom!
But no one has seen him. So he can't be hauled up by officials.
..........
Vello and Schopenhauer are doing well this morning. The warm air of the Pyrenees suits them.
Vello: Pity about Gaius. He seems to be lagging this morning
Schopenhauer: Too much of that salt cod emulsion.
Vello: It should have the opposite effect.
Schopenhauer: Ha ha! Jet propulsion! Ach! What was that?
(Schopenhauer inexplicably wobbles).
Vello: What's up?
Schopenhauer: It was as though a bee whizzed by and upset my aerodynamics.
Vello: It must have been a very fast bee.
.........
They are not the only riders who have been bothered by something, not a bee, but like one.
Tejay Van Garderen, Alejandro Valverde, Thomas Voeckler.......
Zwoooom! A little wobble. Enough to lose you valuable seconds.
.........
Baby Pierre is discovering the power of being invisible. Weeee! How delightful it is.
He's on the downhill run to the finish, catching up to the leader, Michael Rogers.
Zwooooom!
Pop. Tiny pop. No one hears it.
Baby Pierre has a tiny flat tyre.
But Michael Rogers would have won anyway, because today was the day he was going to.
Rest Day: Carcassonne - Picnics And Psychoanalysis
It's a rest day in Carcassonne. Everyone is in Le Cité, at various picnics.
Here, under the ancient drawbridge, are Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, on a tartan rug, eating cassoulet.
Phil Liggett: Well Paul, that was a surprise yesterday, Baby Pierre turning up at the Tour
Paul Sherwen: Yes, no one foresaw it.
Phil Liggett: Least of all Ageless Lobster.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, Ha ha! I predict we won't see Ageless riding in any breakaways tomorrow.
Phil Liggett: If at all.
Paul Sherwen: I just makes you wonder Phil, if someone put him up to it.
Phil Liggett: I wouldn't be at all surprised, Paul.
.........
Here, a little further inside Le Cité, are Team Get Up, in a little stone square, eating petits patés nîmois, which Belle bought in Nîmes. Richie has joined them.
Richie: These are yum. I feel better already from my heatstroke, bad tummy and bronchitis....
Unni: Is that what you had? No wonder you fizzled.
Belle et Bonne: I should have brought that brandade.
Sweezus: What's that? Brandy?
Belle et Bonne: No. An emulsion of salt cod and olive oil. You eat it with bread or potatoes.
Arthur: Why didn't you? I would have had it.
Belle et Bonne: Gaius saw it, his nose twitched, and his eyes popped right out of his head. I gave it to him. He'll be somewhere around having a stinky old picnic with papa and Schopenhauer and David.
........
She is right. Here, sitting under a barbicon, are Vello, Gaius, David, and Schopenhauer, with an earthenware pot of brandade, having a stinky old picnic.
Vello: Burp!
Gaius: Buuurp!!
Schopenhauer: Urk!
Vello: You Germans burp differently.
Schopenhauer: And that's not all we do differently.
David: Now then ( burp!) ...excuse me.......let's not go there.
Schopenhauer: I led them out and none of them followed me.
David: Reason alone doesn't incline us to action.
Vello: Ha ha! ( Umph!) Tell that to Ageless.
Gaius: I imagine he doesn't need telling. Emotion inclines us to action.
Vello: I say Gaius! That's very philosophical.
David: Hang on! All he did was extrapolate. That's not philosophy. Sorry, Gaius.
Gaius: That's all right, David. Is there any more salt cod and olive oil emulsion?
David: Yes there is. Plenty. Here take the whole pot of it.
Gaius: Are you sure? Shall I finish it off then?
Schopenhauer: Yes. Might as well.
........
And finally, here at the heart of Le Cité on a cold stone wall near the covered medieval well, are Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude of Team Crustacean, Professor Freud their manager, and Baby Pierre. They are not eating anything.
Ageless: Alas alas.
Baby Pierre: But she does, she does love you.
Ageless: No she doesn't. Tell me again how she does.
Baby Pierre: She laughed when she realised.
Ageless: Laughed how exactly?
Baby Pierre: Ha Ha. Hee Hee.
Professor Freud: What was the tone of this laughter?
Baby Pierre: Ha ha. Hee hee.
Professor Freud: Of course. That serves me right.
Louttit: Was she hysterical?
Professor Freud: That was my next question.
Louis-Claude: Is there nothing to eat?
Baby Pierre: What about me? I thought you were dying. That's why I came.
Louttit: How heart-warming! That's family feeling for you.
Ageless: He's not my family.
Baby Pierre: I have the Mark of the Claw.
Louis-Claude: Let's see. Eh alors! He does have it. You are his daddy.
Ageless: All right all right. Let's forget all this nonsense. Who wants an ice cream?
Professor Freud: Avoidance.
Louttit: Sublimation.
Professor Freud: Hmm. You're probably right.
.........
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen have finished their cassoulet. They fold up their rug.
Paul Sherwen: Keep your eye on Baby Pierre tomorrow, Phil.
Phil Liggett: You think he'll try something?
Paul Sherwen: Well, he did bring his bicycle.
Phil Liggett: But he can't enter the Tour at this stage.
Paul Sherwen: Have you seen the size of him? I should think he can do what he likes.
Here, under the ancient drawbridge, are Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, on a tartan rug, eating cassoulet.
Phil Liggett: Well Paul, that was a surprise yesterday, Baby Pierre turning up at the Tour
Paul Sherwen: Yes, no one foresaw it.
Phil Liggett: Least of all Ageless Lobster.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, Ha ha! I predict we won't see Ageless riding in any breakaways tomorrow.
Phil Liggett: If at all.
Paul Sherwen: I just makes you wonder Phil, if someone put him up to it.
Phil Liggett: I wouldn't be at all surprised, Paul.
.........
Here, a little further inside Le Cité, are Team Get Up, in a little stone square, eating petits patés nîmois, which Belle bought in Nîmes. Richie has joined them.
Richie: These are yum. I feel better already from my heatstroke, bad tummy and bronchitis....
Unni: Is that what you had? No wonder you fizzled.
Belle et Bonne: I should have brought that brandade.
Sweezus: What's that? Brandy?
Belle et Bonne: No. An emulsion of salt cod and olive oil. You eat it with bread or potatoes.
Arthur: Why didn't you? I would have had it.
Belle et Bonne: Gaius saw it, his nose twitched, and his eyes popped right out of his head. I gave it to him. He'll be somewhere around having a stinky old picnic with papa and Schopenhauer and David.
........
She is right. Here, sitting under a barbicon, are Vello, Gaius, David, and Schopenhauer, with an earthenware pot of brandade, having a stinky old picnic.
Vello: Burp!
Gaius: Buuurp!!
Schopenhauer: Urk!
Vello: You Germans burp differently.
Schopenhauer: And that's not all we do differently.
David: Now then ( burp!) ...excuse me.......let's not go there.
Schopenhauer: I led them out and none of them followed me.
David: Reason alone doesn't incline us to action.
Vello: Ha ha! ( Umph!) Tell that to Ageless.
Gaius: I imagine he doesn't need telling. Emotion inclines us to action.
Vello: I say Gaius! That's very philosophical.
David: Hang on! All he did was extrapolate. That's not philosophy. Sorry, Gaius.
Gaius: That's all right, David. Is there any more salt cod and olive oil emulsion?
David: Yes there is. Plenty. Here take the whole pot of it.
Gaius: Are you sure? Shall I finish it off then?
Schopenhauer: Yes. Might as well.
........
And finally, here at the heart of Le Cité on a cold stone wall near the covered medieval well, are Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude of Team Crustacean, Professor Freud their manager, and Baby Pierre. They are not eating anything.
Ageless: Alas alas.
Baby Pierre: But she does, she does love you.
Ageless: No she doesn't. Tell me again how she does.
Baby Pierre: She laughed when she realised.
Ageless: Laughed how exactly?
Baby Pierre: Ha Ha. Hee Hee.
Professor Freud: What was the tone of this laughter?
Baby Pierre: Ha ha. Hee hee.
Professor Freud: Of course. That serves me right.
Louttit: Was she hysterical?
Professor Freud: That was my next question.
Louis-Claude: Is there nothing to eat?
Baby Pierre: What about me? I thought you were dying. That's why I came.
Louttit: How heart-warming! That's family feeling for you.
Ageless: He's not my family.
Baby Pierre: I have the Mark of the Claw.
Louis-Claude: Let's see. Eh alors! He does have it. You are his daddy.
Ageless: All right all right. Let's forget all this nonsense. Who wants an ice cream?
Professor Freud: Avoidance.
Louttit: Sublimation.
Professor Freud: Hmm. You're probably right.
.........
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen have finished their cassoulet. They fold up their rug.
Paul Sherwen: Keep your eye on Baby Pierre tomorrow, Phil.
Phil Liggett: You think he'll try something?
Paul Sherwen: Well, he did bring his bicycle.
Phil Liggett: But he can't enter the Tour at this stage.
Paul Sherwen: Have you seen the size of him? I should think he can do what he likes.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Stage Fifteen : Tallard to Nîmes - Kudos and Schadenfreude
We have left the Alps, and are in the South of France. Stage fifteen, Tallard to Nîmes.
The stage is a flat one.
Louttit and Louis-Claude are in the middle of the peloton, talking about Ageless their captain.
Everyone knows except him, says Louttit.
Someone's bound to tell him, says Louis-Claude.
What will he do then? asks Louttit.
It will kill him, says Louis-Claude.
He's a tough one, says Louttit.
Well, should we tell him? says Louis-Claude. Before someone else does.
André Greipel can't help overhearing. He is riding directly behind.
This is Ageless your captain? says André Greipel. In my opinion.....
Alexander Kristoff rides up alongside.
Are we talking about the lobster? asks Alexander Kristoff.
Yes, says André Greipel. I think they should tell him right now.
You are a sly one, says Alexander Kristoff.
Oh yes? You think I have a hidden agenda, says André Greipel.
I know you have, says Alexander Kristoff. You tell the lobster his beloved loves his team manager. He sacks the team manager. Goodbye Freud.
Very good reasoning, buddy, says André Greipel. But you've forgotten one thing. Freud has stopped firing the paint balls.
That's not what I heard, says Alexander Kristoff, tapping the side of his head.
Woah! did you see that? says André Greipel. An early breakaway. Those guys are mental! Come on!
Yes, an early breakaway. Louttit and Louis-Claude join in. Their minds are made up.
It is touch and go. Any one of a number of riders might catch up to Ageless at any moment and spill the unpalatable beans.
YOUR LOVER LOVES YOUR TEAM MANAGER. YOU ARE NO LONGER HER CRUSTACEAN DREAM.
Ageless rides on oblivious. He can see Jack Bauer and Martin Elmiger just up ahead.
He is almost close enough to hear what they are saying.
...phoo... ( that was the wind).....crossed lines....... text message...... pphhooreud ....kophhooobo..
Well that is lucky. Totally indecipherable.
Ageless speeds up. It is close to the finish. The peloton is gaining. They are almost in Nîmes.
But what's this? Is everyone trying to catch up to tell Ageless the bad news?
Here comes Alexander Kristoff.
Like a gladiator, beating his way through the christians and lions, knocking them out of the way.
He spots Ageless. He spots Bauer and Elmiger. A dilemma. Stop and tell Ageless? Oh the look on his face will be priceless. But if he just pedals a little bit harder, he can beat those two sprinters.
Kudos wins over schadenfreude. Bauer bursts into tears.
Ageless is still none the wiser.
Hurrah! But wait.
Who is this on a wee bicycle coming out of the railway station?
Could it be?...no it couldn't.....yes it is.....it's Baby Pierre!
The stage is a flat one.
Louttit and Louis-Claude are in the middle of the peloton, talking about Ageless their captain.
Everyone knows except him, says Louttit.
Someone's bound to tell him, says Louis-Claude.
What will he do then? asks Louttit.
It will kill him, says Louis-Claude.
He's a tough one, says Louttit.
Well, should we tell him? says Louis-Claude. Before someone else does.
André Greipel can't help overhearing. He is riding directly behind.
This is Ageless your captain? says André Greipel. In my opinion.....
Alexander Kristoff rides up alongside.
Are we talking about the lobster? asks Alexander Kristoff.
Yes, says André Greipel. I think they should tell him right now.
You are a sly one, says Alexander Kristoff.
Oh yes? You think I have a hidden agenda, says André Greipel.
I know you have, says Alexander Kristoff. You tell the lobster his beloved loves his team manager. He sacks the team manager. Goodbye Freud.
Very good reasoning, buddy, says André Greipel. But you've forgotten one thing. Freud has stopped firing the paint balls.
That's not what I heard, says Alexander Kristoff, tapping the side of his head.
Woah! did you see that? says André Greipel. An early breakaway. Those guys are mental! Come on!
Yes, an early breakaway. Louttit and Louis-Claude join in. Their minds are made up.
It is touch and go. Any one of a number of riders might catch up to Ageless at any moment and spill the unpalatable beans.
YOUR LOVER LOVES YOUR TEAM MANAGER. YOU ARE NO LONGER HER CRUSTACEAN DREAM.
Ageless rides on oblivious. He can see Jack Bauer and Martin Elmiger just up ahead.
He is almost close enough to hear what they are saying.
...phoo... ( that was the wind).....crossed lines....... text message...... pphhooreud ....kophhooobo..
Well that is lucky. Totally indecipherable.
Ageless speeds up. It is close to the finish. The peloton is gaining. They are almost in Nîmes.
But what's this? Is everyone trying to catch up to tell Ageless the bad news?
Here comes Alexander Kristoff.
Like a gladiator, beating his way through the christians and lions, knocking them out of the way.
He spots Ageless. He spots Bauer and Elmiger. A dilemma. Stop and tell Ageless? Oh the look on his face will be priceless. But if he just pedals a little bit harder, he can beat those two sprinters.
Kudos wins over schadenfreude. Bauer bursts into tears.
Ageless is still none the wiser.
Hurrah! But wait.
Who is this on a wee bicycle coming out of the railway station?
Could it be?...no it couldn't.....yes it is.....it's Baby Pierre!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Stage Fourteen: Grenoble to Risoul - Mad Leadout
Another day in the Alps. This will be hard for the sprinters. But the sun is shining. It's a beautiful day.
Unni rides beside Arthur.
She is talking.
...and I said to her, you always buy special treats for Sweezus and Arthur, but do I ever get anything, no......and she said to me......
Arthur is looking at the mountains, which are approaching the race, in an Einsteinian fashion.
...get this Arthur, she said I was going to get something soon, all mysterious, so I said what and she said it was from Sweezus....
Arthur is looking at the backside of Alejandro Valverde. Up down up down.
...so I kept on asking and in the end she told me he was sorry for me and he was going to give me a medal...Arthur are you even listening?
Yes, says Arthur, a medal.
That's the most insulting thing I've ever heard in my life! says Unni.
She speeds up and easily passes Alejandro Valverde.
Arthur drops back level with Sweezus and Richie.
Lucky you didn't give Unni that medal, says Arthur.
What medal? says Sweezus. Oh yeah that medal. Lucky? Why?
She's insulted, says Arthur.
You mean she would be, says Sweezus.
No she is, says Arthur. She knows.
Fuck, says Sweezus. What do I do now?
Richie grins. He likes riding with Sweezus.
........
The Col d' Izoard. The riders are relatively horizontal. It's the road that has tilted.
..........
Vello, Gaius and Schopenhauer are riding laboriously and speaking of apples.
The apples of Rintoul, says Gaius, are famous for retaining their flavour.
You don't say, says Vello. Let's hope David will obtain some.
You should be careful eating apples, observes Schopenhauer. Remember your tooth.
Tish tosh, says Vello. It's perfectly all right now, thanks to that bleu de Bresse cheese.
That may well be illusory, says Schopenhauer.
There you go again, says Vello.
And here we go again, says Gaius, feeling suddenly jocular.
But as sometimes happens, the jocularity has the opposite effect.
Team Philosophe has a collective existential moment.
Here they go again. Why and where? For what purpose?
Do you know what? says Vello. Something else needs to happen.
I agree, says Schopenhauer. Perhaps some sort of sacrifice?
A burnt offering? says Gaius.
No, says Vello, something like .....a mad leadout. Who's game? Not me, because of my tooth.
I thought you said it was......begins Schopenhauer.
He stops. He thinks: Come on Schop, walk the walk.
I'll do it, says Schopenhauer.
He surges forward,
Hee hee! cries Vello. What an excellent philosopher.
Him? says Gaius dubiously.
Him? says Vello. No no. Me.
....
Schopenhauer passes Thomas, Nieve, De Marchi, Pinot, Bardet, Majka at various intervals.
He is making a sacrifice, driven by compassion, which desires the welfare of others....
He looks back.
Isn't the idea though, that the other team members will follow?
Where are they?
Thomas, Nieve, De Marchi, Pinot, Bardet and Majka overtake him, at various intervals.
One by one they fall back as the mountain tilts further, leaving the young Polish rider, Rafal Majka, to cross the finish line alone. Gratulacje, Rafal!
Unni rides beside Arthur.
She is talking.
...and I said to her, you always buy special treats for Sweezus and Arthur, but do I ever get anything, no......and she said to me......
Arthur is looking at the mountains, which are approaching the race, in an Einsteinian fashion.
...get this Arthur, she said I was going to get something soon, all mysterious, so I said what and she said it was from Sweezus....
Arthur is looking at the backside of Alejandro Valverde. Up down up down.
...so I kept on asking and in the end she told me he was sorry for me and he was going to give me a medal...Arthur are you even listening?
Yes, says Arthur, a medal.
That's the most insulting thing I've ever heard in my life! says Unni.
She speeds up and easily passes Alejandro Valverde.
Arthur drops back level with Sweezus and Richie.
Lucky you didn't give Unni that medal, says Arthur.
What medal? says Sweezus. Oh yeah that medal. Lucky? Why?
She's insulted, says Arthur.
You mean she would be, says Sweezus.
No she is, says Arthur. She knows.
Fuck, says Sweezus. What do I do now?
Richie grins. He likes riding with Sweezus.
........
The Col d' Izoard. The riders are relatively horizontal. It's the road that has tilted.
..........
Vello, Gaius and Schopenhauer are riding laboriously and speaking of apples.
The apples of Rintoul, says Gaius, are famous for retaining their flavour.
You don't say, says Vello. Let's hope David will obtain some.
You should be careful eating apples, observes Schopenhauer. Remember your tooth.
Tish tosh, says Vello. It's perfectly all right now, thanks to that bleu de Bresse cheese.
That may well be illusory, says Schopenhauer.
There you go again, says Vello.
And here we go again, says Gaius, feeling suddenly jocular.
But as sometimes happens, the jocularity has the opposite effect.
Team Philosophe has a collective existential moment.
Here they go again. Why and where? For what purpose?
Do you know what? says Vello. Something else needs to happen.
I agree, says Schopenhauer. Perhaps some sort of sacrifice?
A burnt offering? says Gaius.
No, says Vello, something like .....a mad leadout. Who's game? Not me, because of my tooth.
I thought you said it was......begins Schopenhauer.
He stops. He thinks: Come on Schop, walk the walk.
I'll do it, says Schopenhauer.
He surges forward,
Hee hee! cries Vello. What an excellent philosopher.
Him? says Gaius dubiously.
Him? says Vello. No no. Me.
....
Schopenhauer passes Thomas, Nieve, De Marchi, Pinot, Bardet, Majka at various intervals.
He is making a sacrifice, driven by compassion, which desires the welfare of others....
He looks back.
Isn't the idea though, that the other team members will follow?
Where are they?
Thomas, Nieve, De Marchi, Pinot, Bardet and Majka overtake him, at various intervals.
One by one they fall back as the mountain tilts further, leaving the young Polish rider, Rafal Majka, to cross the finish line alone. Gratulacje, Rafal!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Stage Thirteen: St Etienne to Chamrousse - Beautiful Characters
Back in Adelaide, Kobo is talking to Pierre, Baby Pierre's mother.
It's so sad, says Kobo. Dying! He was a marvellous psychoanalyst.
Let me see that message, says Pierre. She grabs Kobo's phone.
Phrrrt! This isn't from Freud, says Pierre, contemptuously.
( you can see why Baby Pierre hates his mother)
Pardon? says Kobo. It's from his number.
It may well be, says Pierre. But this spelling smacks of Ageless. And look at these clicks.
Kobo is embarrassed not to have seen them herself.
Ha ha, hee hee, laughs Kobo, as though it isn't important.
And indeed, it isn't important.
Baby Pierre though, who has been listening, now thinks Ageless, his daddy, is dying.
.....
But back to the race. Stage Thirteen, St Etienne to Chamrousse.
David, stung by Belle's criticism yesterday, has provided Vello with a wonderful snack pack.
It contains Giraudet's querelles and bleu de Bresse cheese.
Vello's tooth feels better. He shares the querelles and cheese with Gaius and Schopenhauer.
They ride quickly, fuelled by soft creamy richness. At least for the first half.
Freud has borrowed a motor bike and is following Ageless, his best hope for the Tour.
But Ageless is riding so fast, buoyed by the love of Kobo, that Freud can't catch him. He rides up behind Louttit and Louis-Claude.
Those idiots! They are not even trying. They are talking about women again. Mary Ann. Rose.
Forget women! shouts Freud, honking his horn.
Give us something to eat then, says Louis-Claude.
Freud hasn't brought anything. He accelerates and draws level with Sweezus.
Got any spare gels or snack bars? asks Freud.
No way José, says Sweezus, keeping his head down.
Freud accelerates again.
Richie Porte draws level with Sweezus.
Hi man, says Sweezus. Lookin' to beat Nibali today?
Urr, says Richie . Got a bit of a tummy. Or heatstroke.
Shit luck man, says Sweezus.
They labour on, up the last mountain to Chamrousse.
Freud has caught up with Ageless, who is not far behind Nibali.
But Ageless is knackered. He is slowing. The power of love will take you only so far.
Nibali powers on to the finish. Awesome Nibali! Nothing can stop him.
Romain Bardet zooms in to come second.
Eight minutes later, in rides Richie, closely followed by Sweezus and Arthur.
They go off to do pee samples, but arrange to meet again later.
Later:
Richie: Moonlight before my bed. Perhaps frost on the ground. Lift my head and see the moon. Lower my head and pine for home.
Sweezus: That's epic man. Coolio! Did you write it?
Arthur: No he didn't. Li Bai.
Richie: Yeah, but in Chinese though.
They close their eyes and imagine the beautiful characters.
It's so sad, says Kobo. Dying! He was a marvellous psychoanalyst.
Let me see that message, says Pierre. She grabs Kobo's phone.
Phrrrt! This isn't from Freud, says Pierre, contemptuously.
( you can see why Baby Pierre hates his mother)
Pardon? says Kobo. It's from his number.
It may well be, says Pierre. But this spelling smacks of Ageless. And look at these clicks.
Kobo is embarrassed not to have seen them herself.
Ha ha, hee hee, laughs Kobo, as though it isn't important.
And indeed, it isn't important.
Baby Pierre though, who has been listening, now thinks Ageless, his daddy, is dying.
.....
But back to the race. Stage Thirteen, St Etienne to Chamrousse.
David, stung by Belle's criticism yesterday, has provided Vello with a wonderful snack pack.
It contains Giraudet's querelles and bleu de Bresse cheese.
Vello's tooth feels better. He shares the querelles and cheese with Gaius and Schopenhauer.
They ride quickly, fuelled by soft creamy richness. At least for the first half.
Freud has borrowed a motor bike and is following Ageless, his best hope for the Tour.
But Ageless is riding so fast, buoyed by the love of Kobo, that Freud can't catch him. He rides up behind Louttit and Louis-Claude.
Those idiots! They are not even trying. They are talking about women again. Mary Ann. Rose.
Forget women! shouts Freud, honking his horn.
Give us something to eat then, says Louis-Claude.
Freud hasn't brought anything. He accelerates and draws level with Sweezus.
Got any spare gels or snack bars? asks Freud.
No way José, says Sweezus, keeping his head down.
Freud accelerates again.
Richie Porte draws level with Sweezus.
Hi man, says Sweezus. Lookin' to beat Nibali today?
Urr, says Richie . Got a bit of a tummy. Or heatstroke.
Shit luck man, says Sweezus.
They labour on, up the last mountain to Chamrousse.
Freud has caught up with Ageless, who is not far behind Nibali.
But Ageless is knackered. He is slowing. The power of love will take you only so far.
Nibali powers on to the finish. Awesome Nibali! Nothing can stop him.
Romain Bardet zooms in to come second.
Eight minutes later, in rides Richie, closely followed by Sweezus and Arthur.
They go off to do pee samples, but arrange to meet again later.
Later:
Richie: Moonlight before my bed. Perhaps frost on the ground. Lift my head and see the moon. Lower my head and pine for home.
Sweezus: That's epic man. Coolio! Did you write it?
Arthur: No he didn't. Li Bai.
Richie: Yeah, but in Chinese though.
They close their eyes and imagine the beautiful characters.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Stage Twelve: Bourg-en-Bresse to St Etienne - Destiny
Ho hum. Let us go to the finish line. It's in St Etienne.
No one is there yet, I mean, none of the riders.
The team managers stand in a bunch.
Belle et Bonne: I've been shopping.
David Hume: What did you buy? Let me guess. Jewellery.
Professor Freud: Ha ha! That shows more about you than her, David.
David Hume: Dear me, does it?
Belle et Bonne: It must do. Because I bought apples, and blueberries.
David Hume: I never could understand ladies.
Professor Freud: The secret is, let them do the talking.
Belle et Bonne: I hear Kobo did some pretty sweet talking. Ageless never looked better. We all thought he was knocking on death's door after eating my mustard.
Professor Freud: Yes indeed, although, ahem ...I probably shouldn't say it. No, forget I opened my mouth.
David Hume: You can't leave us in suspense. What is it? We won't pass it on.
Professor Freud: All right. Just don't tell Vello. He's a terrible gossip.
Belle et Bonne: Don't worry about him. He's got a tooth ache. That's all he thinks about.
David Hume: It won't help giving him apples and blueberries.
Belle et Bonne: Actually these are for Sweezie. I mustn't feed papa. I'm not his manager. You are.
David Hume: Should I be more concerned, do you think?
Professor Freud: Don't you want to know my secret?
Belle et Bonne: What secret? Oh yes! Tell us the secret.
Professor Freud: Well, remember the text message Ageless sent Kobo? It was from my phone. So she thought the text was from me.
Belle et Bonne: Oh no! Oh, how awful! And so when she replied how much she loved and admired you, it was you she meant and not Ageless.
Professor Freud: You must promise me you won't say a word.
David Hume: I don't quite understand it. I don't see why.... but then, I never get messages.
Belle et Bonne: Of course you do.
David Hume: No, no, I don't.
The first riders are appearing in St Etienne. Who are they? Is that ...Peter Sagan?
He so wants to win a stage.
But no, Norwegian Alexander Kristoff just beats Peter Sagan, and Peter Sagan comes second.
Skoda and smola! laments Peter Sagan, in Belle et Bonne's hearing. I seem destined to always come second.
Her heart melts for nice Peter Sagan.
If the blueberries weren't already spoken for, she would give them to him. He is looking her way.
Maybe just one then.
Meanwhile, David, who is a logical thinker, is thinking:
If Kobo thought the message was from Freud, then Kobo believes Freud is dying.
Good reasoning David. That is what she thinks.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Stage Eleven: Besançon to Oyannax - It's Your Day
A lot can happen on a Rest Day. And even more on the next day.
Arthur has recovered from his overdose of champagne, mustard and doob-loops. If anything he is riding even better.
There he goes now, in an early breakaway, keen for some sprint points.
Unni drops back to be level with Sweezus.
Good on you,Unni, says Sweezus. Sorry about yesterday.
That's all right, says Unni. It all seemed so petty, after what happened to Ageless.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Where is he now?
Freud's got him somewhere, says Unni. I think he's trying hypnosis.
I thought Ageless was a goner, says Sweezus. Until he got that text back from Kobo.
How does she even text anyway? says Unni. Isn't she a clam?
Buggered if I know, says Sweezus. It's a mystery.
Maybe it's transubstantiation, suggests Unni.
Yeah, whatever that is, says Sweezus.
Unni thinks that Sweezus should know what that is.
They pedal on in companionable silence.
........
And where is Ageless? He is lying flat on a bench, being hypnotised.
Freud has persuaded the race officials to give Ageless an hour to get back on his bicycle, on the grounds that Ageless has shown extreme courage.
Look at this pencil, says Freud.
Ach! cries Ageless. You did have a pencil!
Calm down, says Freud. Think of Kobo. Think of her lovely reply.
Yes yes yes, says Ageless, calming down and becoming less yellow. What was it again? You will nnnever know how mmmmmuch or how lonnnnng i have loved and admmmired you.
You will keep that in mind, says Freud, in his hypnotising voice, somewhat singsong.
Yes yes yes, says Ageless. I will keep that always in mind. I would anyway.
And you will never eat mustard again, intones Freud.
Never never, says Ageless. I didn't mean to the first time.
Snap. Freud snaps his fingers. Ageless wakes up.
And Ageless gets back on his bike.
.....
Ageless is like a new lobster. He soon catches up with Andrew Talansky, who is lagging.
Whee! whistles Ageless, riding past Andrew Talansky.
Ageless rides up to his team, Team Crustacean.
Whee! cries Ageless. I'll never eat mustard again.
That's very sensible, says Louttit.
Dommage! says Louis-Claude. Rien n'est plus delicieux!
Wow! What good French!
Zoom! Ageless keeps going.
He draws level with Vello and Gaius. Vello still has a toothache. Ageless passes Vello and Gaius.
He passes Vincenzo Nibali. Let him keep his mustard-poo-yellow......
Tony Gallopin is up at the front, in the mountains, attacking repeatedly.
If it's your day, it's your day.
Even Ageless can't beat Tony Gallopin.
Arthur has recovered from his overdose of champagne, mustard and doob-loops. If anything he is riding even better.
There he goes now, in an early breakaway, keen for some sprint points.
Unni drops back to be level with Sweezus.
Good on you,Unni, says Sweezus. Sorry about yesterday.
That's all right, says Unni. It all seemed so petty, after what happened to Ageless.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Where is he now?
Freud's got him somewhere, says Unni. I think he's trying hypnosis.
I thought Ageless was a goner, says Sweezus. Until he got that text back from Kobo.
How does she even text anyway? says Unni. Isn't she a clam?
Buggered if I know, says Sweezus. It's a mystery.
Maybe it's transubstantiation, suggests Unni.
Yeah, whatever that is, says Sweezus.
Unni thinks that Sweezus should know what that is.
They pedal on in companionable silence.
........
And where is Ageless? He is lying flat on a bench, being hypnotised.
Freud has persuaded the race officials to give Ageless an hour to get back on his bicycle, on the grounds that Ageless has shown extreme courage.
Look at this pencil, says Freud.
Ach! cries Ageless. You did have a pencil!
Calm down, says Freud. Think of Kobo. Think of her lovely reply.
Yes yes yes, says Ageless, calming down and becoming less yellow. What was it again? You will nnnever know how mmmmmuch or how lonnnnng i have loved and admmmired you.
You will keep that in mind, says Freud, in his hypnotising voice, somewhat singsong.
Yes yes yes, says Ageless. I will keep that always in mind. I would anyway.
And you will never eat mustard again, intones Freud.
Never never, says Ageless. I didn't mean to the first time.
Snap. Freud snaps his fingers. Ageless wakes up.
And Ageless gets back on his bike.
.....
Ageless is like a new lobster. He soon catches up with Andrew Talansky, who is lagging.
Whee! whistles Ageless, riding past Andrew Talansky.
Ageless rides up to his team, Team Crustacean.
Whee! cries Ageless. I'll never eat mustard again.
That's very sensible, says Louttit.
Dommage! says Louis-Claude. Rien n'est plus delicieux!
Wow! What good French!
Zoom! Ageless keeps going.
He draws level with Vello and Gaius. Vello still has a toothache. Ageless passes Vello and Gaius.
He passes Vincenzo Nibali. Let him keep his mustard-poo-yellow......
Tony Gallopin is up at the front, in the mountains, attacking repeatedly.
If it's your day, it's your day.
Even Ageless can't beat Tony Gallopin.
Besançon: Rest Day - Mustard
Belle and David have chosen a commanding site for the picnic, the Besançon Citadel. One hundred metres above the old town, and encircled by an ox bow loop of the River Doubs, the citadel is a perfect example of seventeenth century military architecture, with its tenailles, curtain walls, watch towers, demilunes and ramparts.
The Citadel boasts three museums.
And no pets are allowed in the grounds.
At the ticket office, the three members of Team Crustacean are mistaken for pets.
.......
The picnic reconvenes outside the ramparts.
This is all right, says Sweezus. There's still an awesome view.
And cheaper, says Vello.
Belle and David unpack the picnic baskets. Champagne, champagne ham, Clovis mustard, moricettes, comté and concoillotte cheeses, gingerbread, pink biscuits, mirabelle plums.
Wonderful spread, says Freud. I feel I should have contributed.
There is a short silence. Then the picnic resumes.
Belle pours the champagne, and doles out slices of ham with lashings of mustard.
Ahuu! coughs Ageless, biting into his ham.
What's this, mustard? splutters Ageless.
It's Clovis Reims Champagne Mustard, says Belle. Aged in oak. Don't you like it? I'm sorry.
I like it, says Unni. It's smooth and woody.
Arthur tries some on a spoon. He likes it. He eats several spoonfuls. Heeearr! Mustard gas bores through his nose.
This is pleasant, says Vello, chewing on a dry moricette (which is a pretzel). Ow!
What is it papa? Have you broken a tooth? asks Belle.
I don't think so, says Vello, feeling his face.
Have some more champagne, papa, says Belle kindly.
Gaius is eating a pink biscuit with a mirabelle plum, and thinking regretfully about the natural history museum to which he will now not gain access. A zoo, farm, aquarium, insectarium and noctarium....... alas....
Well, says Freud. And how is everyone feeling after ten days of racing?
Optimistic, says Sweezus. All the big guns are out of contention
Creaky and stiff, says Ageless. That rain did me no good at all.
You should get Freud to give you a massage, says Belle et Bonne. That's what managers are for.
Freud looks faintly offended for a number of reasons.
He tries to change the subject.
And what about you? says Freud looking directly at Unni.
I could complain, says Unni, looking at Sweezus. But I'm not going to.
Ha, laughs Sweezus, uncomfortably. A good team leader needs the support of his riders.
Yes, says Arthur, such as when.....
He tries to remember what it was when, but oh that champagne and that mustard. His head feels like horrible cheese.
I knew you were going to bring that up, says Unni.
What does it matter? says Arthur, holding out his glass for a top up. Look at this view. Look at the loop of the Doubs......the loop loop loop of the doooobs....
Vello is holding his stomach and laughing. And yes, his tooth is quite sore. He takes another slice of ham and mustard.
Hic! Ho! Ulp! Ageless collapses.
Oh mortality! cries Ageless. Bring me a pencil!
No one has a pencil.
Anything, cries Ageless. Urk! I must write my last farewell to Kobo!
He is turning bright yellow.
Freud silently hands him his phone, and Ageless starts texting.
The Citadel boasts three museums.
And no pets are allowed in the grounds.
At the ticket office, the three members of Team Crustacean are mistaken for pets.
.......
The picnic reconvenes outside the ramparts.
This is all right, says Sweezus. There's still an awesome view.
And cheaper, says Vello.
Belle and David unpack the picnic baskets. Champagne, champagne ham, Clovis mustard, moricettes, comté and concoillotte cheeses, gingerbread, pink biscuits, mirabelle plums.
Wonderful spread, says Freud. I feel I should have contributed.
There is a short silence. Then the picnic resumes.
Belle pours the champagne, and doles out slices of ham with lashings of mustard.
Ahuu! coughs Ageless, biting into his ham.
What's this, mustard? splutters Ageless.
It's Clovis Reims Champagne Mustard, says Belle. Aged in oak. Don't you like it? I'm sorry.
I like it, says Unni. It's smooth and woody.
Arthur tries some on a spoon. He likes it. He eats several spoonfuls. Heeearr! Mustard gas bores through his nose.
This is pleasant, says Vello, chewing on a dry moricette (which is a pretzel). Ow!
What is it papa? Have you broken a tooth? asks Belle.
I don't think so, says Vello, feeling his face.
Have some more champagne, papa, says Belle kindly.
Gaius is eating a pink biscuit with a mirabelle plum, and thinking regretfully about the natural history museum to which he will now not gain access. A zoo, farm, aquarium, insectarium and noctarium....... alas....
Well, says Freud. And how is everyone feeling after ten days of racing?
Optimistic, says Sweezus. All the big guns are out of contention
Creaky and stiff, says Ageless. That rain did me no good at all.
You should get Freud to give you a massage, says Belle et Bonne. That's what managers are for.
Freud looks faintly offended for a number of reasons.
He tries to change the subject.
And what about you? says Freud looking directly at Unni.
I could complain, says Unni, looking at Sweezus. But I'm not going to.
Ha, laughs Sweezus, uncomfortably. A good team leader needs the support of his riders.
Yes, says Arthur, such as when.....
He tries to remember what it was when, but oh that champagne and that mustard. His head feels like horrible cheese.
I knew you were going to bring that up, says Unni.
What does it matter? says Arthur, holding out his glass for a top up. Look at this view. Look at the loop of the Doubs......the loop loop loop of the doooobs....
Vello is holding his stomach and laughing. And yes, his tooth is quite sore. He takes another slice of ham and mustard.
Hic! Ho! Ulp! Ageless collapses.
Oh mortality! cries Ageless. Bring me a pencil!
No one has a pencil.
Anything, cries Ageless. Urk! I must write my last farewell to Kobo!
He is turning bright yellow.
Freud silently hands him his phone, and Ageless starts texting.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Stage Ten: Mulhouse to La Planche des Belles Filles - Dynamics
The sun is a golden onion shining on Mulhouse. A good riding day, this will be......
Team Crustacean rides gracefully, having eaten moricettes ( which are pretzels) for breakfast.
Sweezus is enjoying the glow of self-satisfaction which comes from acknowledging others.
Arthur is watching the road, unfurling below him. Phoooo! That's the noise that his wheels make.
Unni is riding steadfastly, in a masculine fashion.
Vello, Gaius and Schopenhauer have worked out how to Play Who Am I? properly.
Vello: Am I someone famous?
Schopenhauer: No. I don't think so.
Gaius: Yes, she is.
Vello: Aha! So I'm a girl then!
David and Belle are making food lists for tomorrow's picnic, and going online to check out Besançon for suitable stretches of grass.
Richie is humming a poem. How wide the world is. How close the trees to heaven.
Alberto is powering forward, his legs are like pistols. Rum, rum, rum, rum...
Andre Greipel is leading his team out. He doesn't need to. It's a gift. What a legend.
.....when down comes the rain.
Alberto goes down for a terrible slide of seventy metres. Crash! His bike splits in half. Crack! He breaks ( as we learn later ) his tibia.
Alberto waits while he gets his knee bandaged. He sits down on the grass and changes his shoes, calm as a Buddha. He gets back on his bicycle, and rides on, nobly.
But soon he is forced to abandon.
........
Now the race dynamics are altered.
Richie comes down from the clouds and starts pedaling boldly. No Alberto.
Vincenzo Nibali and Thibaut Pinot start to fly.
Team Crustacean are jolted out of their graceful activity. Rain seeps into their cracks.
Vello (who has guessed correctly that he is Angelina Jolie), says Come on men we're in with a chance now!
Unni, riding in front of Sweezus, reaches into the back of her jersey and whips out a Power Bar.
Sweezus signals that he'd like a bite.
She ignores him, sinking her teeth into the Power Bar. Chomp!
Arthur thinks, That's it for her medal.
And Arthur is right.
Team Crustacean rides gracefully, having eaten moricettes ( which are pretzels) for breakfast.
Sweezus is enjoying the glow of self-satisfaction which comes from acknowledging others.
Arthur is watching the road, unfurling below him. Phoooo! That's the noise that his wheels make.
Unni is riding steadfastly, in a masculine fashion.
Vello, Gaius and Schopenhauer have worked out how to Play Who Am I? properly.
Vello: Am I someone famous?
Schopenhauer: No. I don't think so.
Gaius: Yes, she is.
Vello: Aha! So I'm a girl then!
David and Belle are making food lists for tomorrow's picnic, and going online to check out Besançon for suitable stretches of grass.
Richie is humming a poem. How wide the world is. How close the trees to heaven.
Alberto is powering forward, his legs are like pistols. Rum, rum, rum, rum...
Andre Greipel is leading his team out. He doesn't need to. It's a gift. What a legend.
.....when down comes the rain.
Alberto goes down for a terrible slide of seventy metres. Crash! His bike splits in half. Crack! He breaks ( as we learn later ) his tibia.
Alberto waits while he gets his knee bandaged. He sits down on the grass and changes his shoes, calm as a Buddha. He gets back on his bicycle, and rides on, nobly.
But soon he is forced to abandon.
........
Now the race dynamics are altered.
Richie comes down from the clouds and starts pedaling boldly. No Alberto.
Vincenzo Nibali and Thibaut Pinot start to fly.
Team Crustacean are jolted out of their graceful activity. Rain seeps into their cracks.
Vello (who has guessed correctly that he is Angelina Jolie), says Come on men we're in with a chance now!
Unni, riding in front of Sweezus, reaches into the back of her jersey and whips out a Power Bar.
Sweezus signals that he'd like a bite.
She ignores him, sinking her teeth into the Power Bar. Chomp!
Arthur thinks, That's it for her medal.
And Arthur is right.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Stage Nine: Gérardmer to Mulhouse - Altruism
Stage Nine. The teams ride out of Gérardmer, Pearl of Vosges.
Today there are mountains to climb, and two summit finishes. Who will this be good for?
Vello, Gaius and Schopenhauer are not letting themselves feel the pressure.
I'm looking forward to trying the Mulhousienne beer, says Vello, spinning a pedal.
Don't do that, says Schopenhauer. You're flicking dirt on my trousers.
They are already dirty, says Vello. Stained with yellow. So much for your precious Ass Savers.
Damn, says Schopnhauer. That's the lichen. It's wrapped in my hankie.
Don't tell me you've still got it, says Gaius. I seem to have mislaid all my specimens.
You probably gave them to Arthur, says Vello.
He did, says Schopenhauer. Because Arthur's re-li-able.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. Next time I see Arthur I'll frisk him for lichen.
Schopenhauer chortles at the idea of frisking young Arthur for lichen.
This isn't edifying. It's not even funny. Let's move on up the road...
...to Team Crustacean. They are doing quite well in this Tour. Considering the difficulties.
They too are looking forward to Mulhouse, which is famous for onions.
Golden onions, says Louis-Claude. Onion soup, onion tarts, onion flans....
Mmmm, says Louttit. My dear Mary Ann often used to fry onions. As soon as I smelled onions frying I'd say That smells delicious. She would say. It's just the onions. But oh! the smell of frying onions, there's something about it......that's the way to the heart of a man.
This sets Ageless thinking about onions. He imagines Kobo, frying onions for his dinner. Difficult without any hands though.
I don't care for onions, says Ageless, demonstrating the extent of his loyalty.
This is sweet, but not edifying either. Let us go forward.
Let us pass Richie Porte. Richie the poet. Where are you going? Toward which corner of the mountain? How can I tell, through all these clouds?
Pshaw! That's not even a good one. It's not that cloudy. The fog was yesterday.
There's Alberto, the steadfast contender. Not talking.
Let's go up to the front. Hey! Its Tony Martin, all on his own. He'll be winning. Funny, he's normally a time trial specialist.
What's he thinking? Today is the day?
Let's go back a bit, to where Arthur is talking to Sweezus, in the crush of the peloton.
Unni's finding it hard, says Sweezus. I might buy her a present. What would she like?
Arthur has no idea.
A medal, says Arthur. For altruism.
Brill! says Sweezus. You're a legend for thinking of that.
Arthur is tickled.
He moves up to a position slightly in front of Sweezus, to lead him out.
Today there are mountains to climb, and two summit finishes. Who will this be good for?
Vello, Gaius and Schopenhauer are not letting themselves feel the pressure.
I'm looking forward to trying the Mulhousienne beer, says Vello, spinning a pedal.
Don't do that, says Schopenhauer. You're flicking dirt on my trousers.
They are already dirty, says Vello. Stained with yellow. So much for your precious Ass Savers.
Damn, says Schopnhauer. That's the lichen. It's wrapped in my hankie.
Don't tell me you've still got it, says Gaius. I seem to have mislaid all my specimens.
You probably gave them to Arthur, says Vello.
He did, says Schopenhauer. Because Arthur's re-li-able.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. Next time I see Arthur I'll frisk him for lichen.
Schopenhauer chortles at the idea of frisking young Arthur for lichen.
This isn't edifying. It's not even funny. Let's move on up the road...
...to Team Crustacean. They are doing quite well in this Tour. Considering the difficulties.
They too are looking forward to Mulhouse, which is famous for onions.
Golden onions, says Louis-Claude. Onion soup, onion tarts, onion flans....
Mmmm, says Louttit. My dear Mary Ann often used to fry onions. As soon as I smelled onions frying I'd say That smells delicious. She would say. It's just the onions. But oh! the smell of frying onions, there's something about it......that's the way to the heart of a man.
This sets Ageless thinking about onions. He imagines Kobo, frying onions for his dinner. Difficult without any hands though.
I don't care for onions, says Ageless, demonstrating the extent of his loyalty.
This is sweet, but not edifying either. Let us go forward.
Let us pass Richie Porte. Richie the poet. Where are you going? Toward which corner of the mountain? How can I tell, through all these clouds?
Pshaw! That's not even a good one. It's not that cloudy. The fog was yesterday.
There's Alberto, the steadfast contender. Not talking.
Let's go up to the front. Hey! Its Tony Martin, all on his own. He'll be winning. Funny, he's normally a time trial specialist.
What's he thinking? Today is the day?
Let's go back a bit, to where Arthur is talking to Sweezus, in the crush of the peloton.
Unni's finding it hard, says Sweezus. I might buy her a present. What would she like?
Arthur has no idea.
A medal, says Arthur. For altruism.
Brill! says Sweezus. You're a legend for thinking of that.
Arthur is tickled.
He moves up to a position slightly in front of Sweezus, to lead him out.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Stage Eight: Tomblaine to La Mauselaine - Romance And Poetry
Stage eight. Team Crustacean feels a little bit brighter, leaving Tomblaine. Last night Freud tried something different.
Louttit: He just came right out with it. "Your wife's name was Mary Ann".
Louis-Claude: And you nearly died.
Ageless: Not what I would have expected from the great psychologist.
Louis-Claude: Is that not his usual method?
Ageless: No. Everyone knows he just sits there and lets you talk until you come out with something.
Louis-Claude: I didn't know that.
Louttit: It wouldn't have mattered how long I talked. I wouldn't have remembered.
Ageless: Nonsense. He must have been in a hurry.
Louis-Claude: Eh bien! It's good that you now know her name. What is it again?
Louttit: Mary Ann.
Louis-Claude: Was she pretty? Was she clever? Like my Rose....my dear sweet beloved.
Louttit: She was seventeen when we married. Mary Ann Kelly from Portland. Yes, very pretty and clever, and good at baking....
Ageless: I never married.
Louis-Claude: But you have had many lovers?
Ageless: Oh yes of course... but the love of my life is cut off from me due to exceptional circumstances.
Louttit: Don't tell me. She's a clam.
Ageless: Worse. She's a fossilised clam. Her name is Kobo. She's blind and only loves reading. We used to correspond by email. Click click. Uh! She was soft, soft and creamy.......
Ageless rides on mechanically, his head full of Kobo, of whom he has not thought for ages.
Louttit and Louis-Claude exchange glances which say: His story is inconsistent, but he is the captain, so let us refrain from further comment and be tactful.
This is a sign of good teamwork.
.........
There are some tough climbs at the end of this stage.
Perhaps it will alter the standings.
Sweezus is up near the front again, riding with Unni. The weather looks bad.
Unni: The weather looks bad. Rain's coming. I hate it. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even doing this.
Sweezus: Yeah, me too.
Unni: Yeah, but at least you've got other motivations. Save the Cuttlefish. And your new business. How's that going?
Sweezus: Everyone's into burgers, and fair trade coffee. And I can't get a regular supply of cuttlies.
Unni: Oh I get it. That's why you want to save them.
Sweezus: Geez! I'm not that mercenary. You always were such a......
Unni (sharply): What?
Sweezus : Nothing. How's your dad? And how's the Blaxland congregation?
Unni: He tried to get back with mum. But she blew him off. He's back in Blaxland and.... bugger the congregation.
Sweezus: Ha ha. We've all got cracks.
Unni: Pardon?
Sweezus: Wisdom from Ageless.
Unni: Hmmm.
She drops back level with Arthur.
This is shit, this race, says Unni. And look, fog!
I like fog, says Arthur.
How annoying Arthur can be.
They are passed by Alberto Contador, who is good in the mountains and quite used to fogs.
And there goes Blel Kadri, a French rider from Ag2R La Mondiale, riding skilfully.
Whirr! there goes Richie! What is fog to Richie? His head is full of Middle Tang poetry:
"Tell me, where do you live? Near here by the fishing pool? Let's hold our boats together, let's see if we belong in the same town".
Louttit: He just came right out with it. "Your wife's name was Mary Ann".
Louis-Claude: And you nearly died.
Ageless: Not what I would have expected from the great psychologist.
Louis-Claude: Is that not his usual method?
Ageless: No. Everyone knows he just sits there and lets you talk until you come out with something.
Louis-Claude: I didn't know that.
Louttit: It wouldn't have mattered how long I talked. I wouldn't have remembered.
Ageless: Nonsense. He must have been in a hurry.
Louis-Claude: Eh bien! It's good that you now know her name. What is it again?
Louttit: Mary Ann.
Louis-Claude: Was she pretty? Was she clever? Like my Rose....my dear sweet beloved.
Louttit: She was seventeen when we married. Mary Ann Kelly from Portland. Yes, very pretty and clever, and good at baking....
Ageless: I never married.
Louis-Claude: But you have had many lovers?
Ageless: Oh yes of course... but the love of my life is cut off from me due to exceptional circumstances.
Louttit: Don't tell me. She's a clam.
Ageless: Worse. She's a fossilised clam. Her name is Kobo. She's blind and only loves reading. We used to correspond by email. Click click. Uh! She was soft, soft and creamy.......
Ageless rides on mechanically, his head full of Kobo, of whom he has not thought for ages.
Louttit and Louis-Claude exchange glances which say: His story is inconsistent, but he is the captain, so let us refrain from further comment and be tactful.
This is a sign of good teamwork.
.........
There are some tough climbs at the end of this stage.
Perhaps it will alter the standings.
Sweezus is up near the front again, riding with Unni. The weather looks bad.
Unni: The weather looks bad. Rain's coming. I hate it. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even doing this.
Sweezus: Yeah, me too.
Unni: Yeah, but at least you've got other motivations. Save the Cuttlefish. And your new business. How's that going?
Sweezus: Everyone's into burgers, and fair trade coffee. And I can't get a regular supply of cuttlies.
Unni: Oh I get it. That's why you want to save them.
Sweezus: Geez! I'm not that mercenary. You always were such a......
Unni (sharply): What?
Sweezus : Nothing. How's your dad? And how's the Blaxland congregation?
Unni: He tried to get back with mum. But she blew him off. He's back in Blaxland and.... bugger the congregation.
Sweezus: Ha ha. We've all got cracks.
Unni: Pardon?
Sweezus: Wisdom from Ageless.
Unni: Hmmm.
She drops back level with Arthur.
This is shit, this race, says Unni. And look, fog!
I like fog, says Arthur.
How annoying Arthur can be.
They are passed by Alberto Contador, who is good in the mountains and quite used to fogs.
And there goes Blel Kadri, a French rider from Ag2R La Mondiale, riding skilfully.
Whirr! there goes Richie! What is fog to Richie? His head is full of Middle Tang poetry:
"Tell me, where do you live? Near here by the fishing pool? Let's hold our boats together, let's see if we belong in the same town".
Friday, July 11, 2014
Stage Seven: Epernay to Nancy - Resolution And Cracks
Epernay. The three team managers are there at the start.
Belle et Bonne: What a long race this is.
David Hume: It's always this long. But when are we having a rest day?
Professor Freud: Ah! I dream of a rest day!
Belle et Bonne: You two both had a rest day, two days ago. And both your teams suffered.
David Hume: I mean a proper rest day.
Belle et Bonne: It's the day after Stage Ten. I'm thinking of having a picnic. Would your teams like to come?
David Hume: Just try and keep us away.
Professor Freud: Should we bring something?
Belle et Bonne: No. I've already been shopping.
David Hume: Excellent! What are we having?
Belle et Bonne: Champagne, pink biscuits and gingerbread, ham and Clovis mustard. I bought them in Reims.
Professor Freud: That will cheer my men up immensely.
Belle et Bonne: Are they down?
Professor Freud: Yes, I can't understand it. I got them to play Who Am I ? a team building game. But Louttit undermined it.
David Hume: Yes you told me. Those games are not helpful. I tried Survival on my team, but they didn't ride any faster.
Belle et Bonne: What's wrong with Louttit?
Professor Freud: He's forgotten the name of his late wife. No doubt a subconscious repression.
Belle et Bonne: For goodness sake. Let me find out what it is. Then you can help him.
She takes out her phone, and taps away for a moment.
Belle et Bonne: Louttit ....Book of Louttit. ...William Robertson Louttit....married to ....Mary Ann!
That's what you call resolution.
.......
The teams race through green helicopter-high forests.
Team Cannondale is being aggressive. Today they want Peter Sagan to win.
Pedal, pedal, pedal, eat, drink, pee, .....so it goes, on the straight roads, round the bends, up the hillsides.
Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude are coasting, without motivation.
Sweezus rides past.
What's up guys? asks Sweezus.
We've all got cracks, says Ageless.
Sweezus can't stop himself laughing.
Which doesn't help much.
He rides on still laughing. Lobsters. All got cracks. Hilarious. And Freud is their manager. Ha ha! He can't wait to tell Arthur.
But Arthur is some way behind him, just ahead of Vello, Schopenhauer and Gaius, who are playing Who Am I? Or trying to.
Vello: You know why this isn't working?
Schopenhauer: No, why?
Vello: We haven't done any preparation.
Gaius: What should we have done?
Vello: We should have decided who we were going to be before we started.
Schopenhauer: No, it doesn't work that way. If we know who we are then there's no point in guessing.....
Let us leave Team Philosophe to their complex discussion. No doubt they will figure it out.
Let us go instead to the finish.
Wow! How exciting is the finish! Peter Sagan is winning. No wait! Who's this person? It's Matteo Trentin....and Trentin is winning...or is he?
It's a photo finish! But Trentin has won!
Matteo Trentin, of Omega Pharma Quickstep.
Pipping Sagan, who still retains green.
Belle et Bonne: What a long race this is.
David Hume: It's always this long. But when are we having a rest day?
Professor Freud: Ah! I dream of a rest day!
Belle et Bonne: You two both had a rest day, two days ago. And both your teams suffered.
David Hume: I mean a proper rest day.
Belle et Bonne: It's the day after Stage Ten. I'm thinking of having a picnic. Would your teams like to come?
David Hume: Just try and keep us away.
Professor Freud: Should we bring something?
Belle et Bonne: No. I've already been shopping.
David Hume: Excellent! What are we having?
Belle et Bonne: Champagne, pink biscuits and gingerbread, ham and Clovis mustard. I bought them in Reims.
Professor Freud: That will cheer my men up immensely.
Belle et Bonne: Are they down?
Professor Freud: Yes, I can't understand it. I got them to play Who Am I ? a team building game. But Louttit undermined it.
David Hume: Yes you told me. Those games are not helpful. I tried Survival on my team, but they didn't ride any faster.
Belle et Bonne: What's wrong with Louttit?
Professor Freud: He's forgotten the name of his late wife. No doubt a subconscious repression.
Belle et Bonne: For goodness sake. Let me find out what it is. Then you can help him.
She takes out her phone, and taps away for a moment.
Belle et Bonne: Louttit ....Book of Louttit. ...William Robertson Louttit....married to ....Mary Ann!
That's what you call resolution.
.......
The teams race through green helicopter-high forests.
Team Cannondale is being aggressive. Today they want Peter Sagan to win.
Pedal, pedal, pedal, eat, drink, pee, .....so it goes, on the straight roads, round the bends, up the hillsides.
Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude are coasting, without motivation.
Sweezus rides past.
What's up guys? asks Sweezus.
We've all got cracks, says Ageless.
Sweezus can't stop himself laughing.
Which doesn't help much.
He rides on still laughing. Lobsters. All got cracks. Hilarious. And Freud is their manager. Ha ha! He can't wait to tell Arthur.
But Arthur is some way behind him, just ahead of Vello, Schopenhauer and Gaius, who are playing Who Am I? Or trying to.
Vello: You know why this isn't working?
Schopenhauer: No, why?
Vello: We haven't done any preparation.
Gaius: What should we have done?
Vello: We should have decided who we were going to be before we started.
Schopenhauer: No, it doesn't work that way. If we know who we are then there's no point in guessing.....
Let us leave Team Philosophe to their complex discussion. No doubt they will figure it out.
Let us go instead to the finish.
Wow! How exciting is the finish! Peter Sagan is winning. No wait! Who's this person? It's Matteo Trentin....and Trentin is winning...or is he?
It's a photo finish! But Trentin has won!
Matteo Trentin, of Omega Pharma Quickstep.
Pipping Sagan, who still retains green.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Stage Six: Arras to Reims - Survival
Professor Freud has come good as Team Manager. Arras sausages for breakfast!
Ageless: Burp! What good sausages.
Louis-Claude: French sausages.
Louttit: Not bad. But I prefer Epping.
Louis-Claude: Have you remembered your wife's name?
Louttit: No, but she was a wonderful cook.
...
The Stage has begun.
Unni rides beside Arthur.
How lucky was Richie Porte yesterday! says Unni. Now he's team captain.
Arthur thinks of the fateful imbalance: unlucky Froome, lucky Richie.
And then Richie rides by.
He sees Arthur and slows for a moment.
Arthur! says Richie. How's it going? Nice outfit.
Arthur snaps his iridescent leg bands, as though he is proud of his outfit.
Pretty good, says Arthur. How about you?
Gang busters! says Richie. I'm working on a book of poetry. Remember Sikong Shu? There are shivering birds and withering grasses whichever way I turn....
Him or you? asks Arthur.
But Richie has gone. You can't waste time as team captain.
.......
David is riding again. Luckily, no official has noticed.
Oh drat, it's starting to rain, says David.
You can stop if you want to, says Vello. But we can't.
No no, I'll stick with it, says David. A good manager sticks with his team.
Speaking of which, says Gaius, have you seen Freud this morning?
David: I have. He was telling me about a team building game called Survival.
Vello: Survival! Let's play it.
David: All right. Imagine we're on a ship that's sinking. There's a life boat with enough room for all of us, and not much extra. We can only take twelve things each. What are they?
Gaius: What a silly game. Who has that many things?
Vello: I have, but I wouldn't bring them all with me.
David: I think Freud said twelve. Anyway, the point is to get us all talking.
Vello: Ha ha! We're always talking.
....
Sweezus is up towards the front of the peloton, with Arthur and Unni not far behind him.
Two more riders have abandoned the Tour.
Xabier Zandio of Team Sky, and Jesus Hernandez, of Team Tinkoff-Saxo.
Encouraged by these fortuitous exits, Sweezus rides faster.
But Schopenhauer catches up. He certainly has a good bicycle.
This time Sweezus doesn't wait for Schopenhauer to attack.
Optimists recover faster from medical procedures and have healthier immune systems, says Sweezus, over his shoulder.
Arrogant young whippersnapper! Schopenhauer drops back, until he is level with Kittel.
Kittel stops, with a mechanical problem.
It is surely impossible that Freud has had something to do with it, thinks Schopenhauer.
Though you can't help but wonder....
......
Anyway, here is the finish, in Reims.
Here is André Greipel, first to whizz over it.
Glückwünsche!
Ageless: Burp! What good sausages.
Louis-Claude: French sausages.
Louttit: Not bad. But I prefer Epping.
Louis-Claude: Have you remembered your wife's name?
Louttit: No, but she was a wonderful cook.
...
The Stage has begun.
Unni rides beside Arthur.
How lucky was Richie Porte yesterday! says Unni. Now he's team captain.
Arthur thinks of the fateful imbalance: unlucky Froome, lucky Richie.
And then Richie rides by.
He sees Arthur and slows for a moment.
Arthur! says Richie. How's it going? Nice outfit.
Arthur snaps his iridescent leg bands, as though he is proud of his outfit.
Pretty good, says Arthur. How about you?
Gang busters! says Richie. I'm working on a book of poetry. Remember Sikong Shu? There are shivering birds and withering grasses whichever way I turn....
Him or you? asks Arthur.
But Richie has gone. You can't waste time as team captain.
.......
David is riding again. Luckily, no official has noticed.
Oh drat, it's starting to rain, says David.
You can stop if you want to, says Vello. But we can't.
No no, I'll stick with it, says David. A good manager sticks with his team.
Speaking of which, says Gaius, have you seen Freud this morning?
David: I have. He was telling me about a team building game called Survival.
Vello: Survival! Let's play it.
David: All right. Imagine we're on a ship that's sinking. There's a life boat with enough room for all of us, and not much extra. We can only take twelve things each. What are they?
Gaius: What a silly game. Who has that many things?
Vello: I have, but I wouldn't bring them all with me.
David: I think Freud said twelve. Anyway, the point is to get us all talking.
Vello: Ha ha! We're always talking.
....
Sweezus is up towards the front of the peloton, with Arthur and Unni not far behind him.
Two more riders have abandoned the Tour.
Xabier Zandio of Team Sky, and Jesus Hernandez, of Team Tinkoff-Saxo.
Encouraged by these fortuitous exits, Sweezus rides faster.
But Schopenhauer catches up. He certainly has a good bicycle.
This time Sweezus doesn't wait for Schopenhauer to attack.
Optimists recover faster from medical procedures and have healthier immune systems, says Sweezus, over his shoulder.
Arrogant young whippersnapper! Schopenhauer drops back, until he is level with Kittel.
Kittel stops, with a mechanical problem.
It is surely impossible that Freud has had something to do with it, thinks Schopenhauer.
Though you can't help but wonder....
......
Anyway, here is the finish, in Reims.
Here is André Greipel, first to whizz over it.
Glückwünsche!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Ypres to Arenberg: Bump Bump Bump Bump
It's raining in Ypres. What a horrible day.
Professor Freud decides to stay in bed. Why not? His team is made up of lobsters, two of them sailors. They will cope very well on their own.
David too, has decided that riding is not what he feels like today.
But the others are on the wet road.
No one wants to go too fast. It's slippery. Schopenhauer finds it easy to catch up with Sweezus.
Schopenhauer: Ah Sweezus! A word, if I may.
Sweezus: Oh..errr... mmmm. Shocking weather conditions...
Schopenhauer: Indeed. I see you are coping quite well. Comes of being young, I suppose.
Sweezus: How can I help you?
Schopenhauer: Where did you get the idea I had changed my philosophy and become idiotically optimistic?
Sweezus: You mean, you haven't?
Schopenhauer: Of course I haven't. Why should I? Just look at this atrocious weather. And furthermore....
As if to confirm Schopenhauer's unchanged pessimistic outlook, right in front of their eyes, Chris Froome falls off his bike.
Schopenhauer: See that.
Sweezus: That'll be heaps good for Richie.
Arthur rides up and draws level.
Arthur : See that?
Sweezus: Yeah. That was Froomey. And we haven't even got to the cobbles.
Schopenhauer: Scheise! Are there going to be cobbles?
Arthur: Everyone knows there are going to be cobbles.
Schopenhauer drops back. He will have more to say to Sweezus later. After the cobbles.
He drops so far back he finds himself level with Louttit and Louis-Claude who are valiantly trying to protect Ageless.
Schopenhauer: Good men! That's teamwork. You must have an excellent manager
Louis-Claude: Merci! But we don't have an excellent manager. He has stayed in bed.
Louttit: We haven't had any breakfast.
Ageless (riding up to join them) : That's right. And last night he made us do a team building workshop.
Schopenhauer: I wish David would do that.
Ageless: No you don't. We had to play stupid games. Survival, Who am I? and....
Schopenhauer: Who am I?
Louttit: Exactly. Stupid concept. We already knew who we were. If it had been What Was My Late Wife's Name? that might have been useful.
Schopenhauer: You can't remember? Was it Caroline? I once nearly married a Caroline.
Louttit: Thank you, but no it wasn't.
Alberto Contador rides by with his team, not going as fast as they need to.
Splash! Schwaaash!
Schopenhauer: Damn! My trousers! See what I mean?
Ageless: Yes. To ride is to suffer.
Schopenhauer: That's good. I must write that down.
.......
Sweezus is riding up at the front, with Arthur. The rain beats into their faces. The cobbles are slippery and mean.
This is awesome, says Sweezus. I feel heaps alive.
Arthur is glad to be riding alongside his friend who feels heaps alive.
Even dressed as a cuttlefish. It's not such a bad look in the rain.
They are going quite well, but now it is close to the finish and Lars Boom of Team Belkin is gaining.
Lars Boom is used to the cobbles.
Lars Boom loves them. Never happier. Bump bump bump bump.
Professor Freud decides to stay in bed. Why not? His team is made up of lobsters, two of them sailors. They will cope very well on their own.
David too, has decided that riding is not what he feels like today.
But the others are on the wet road.
No one wants to go too fast. It's slippery. Schopenhauer finds it easy to catch up with Sweezus.
Schopenhauer: Ah Sweezus! A word, if I may.
Sweezus: Oh..errr... mmmm. Shocking weather conditions...
Schopenhauer: Indeed. I see you are coping quite well. Comes of being young, I suppose.
Sweezus: How can I help you?
Schopenhauer: Where did you get the idea I had changed my philosophy and become idiotically optimistic?
Sweezus: You mean, you haven't?
Schopenhauer: Of course I haven't. Why should I? Just look at this atrocious weather. And furthermore....
As if to confirm Schopenhauer's unchanged pessimistic outlook, right in front of their eyes, Chris Froome falls off his bike.
Schopenhauer: See that.
Sweezus: That'll be heaps good for Richie.
Arthur rides up and draws level.
Arthur : See that?
Sweezus: Yeah. That was Froomey. And we haven't even got to the cobbles.
Schopenhauer: Scheise! Are there going to be cobbles?
Arthur: Everyone knows there are going to be cobbles.
Schopenhauer drops back. He will have more to say to Sweezus later. After the cobbles.
He drops so far back he finds himself level with Louttit and Louis-Claude who are valiantly trying to protect Ageless.
Schopenhauer: Good men! That's teamwork. You must have an excellent manager
Louis-Claude: Merci! But we don't have an excellent manager. He has stayed in bed.
Louttit: We haven't had any breakfast.
Ageless (riding up to join them) : That's right. And last night he made us do a team building workshop.
Schopenhauer: I wish David would do that.
Ageless: No you don't. We had to play stupid games. Survival, Who am I? and....
Schopenhauer: Who am I?
Louttit: Exactly. Stupid concept. We already knew who we were. If it had been What Was My Late Wife's Name? that might have been useful.
Schopenhauer: You can't remember? Was it Caroline? I once nearly married a Caroline.
Louttit: Thank you, but no it wasn't.
Alberto Contador rides by with his team, not going as fast as they need to.
Splash! Schwaaash!
Schopenhauer: Damn! My trousers! See what I mean?
Ageless: Yes. To ride is to suffer.
Schopenhauer: That's good. I must write that down.
.......
Sweezus is riding up at the front, with Arthur. The rain beats into their faces. The cobbles are slippery and mean.
This is awesome, says Sweezus. I feel heaps alive.
Arthur is glad to be riding alongside his friend who feels heaps alive.
Even dressed as a cuttlefish. It's not such a bad look in the rain.
They are going quite well, but now it is close to the finish and Lars Boom of Team Belkin is gaining.
Lars Boom is used to the cobbles.
Lars Boom loves them. Never happier. Bump bump bump bump.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Le Touquet-Paris-Plage to Lille Métropole: Moules-frites
At last the Tour is in France!
Team Crustacean rides out of Le Touquet in high spirits.
Ageless: This is more like it. Moules-frites!
Louis-Claude: I love moules-frites!
Louttit: Three cheers for Professor Freud!
Ageless: I wouldn't go that far. He was re-loading his paintballs this morning.
Louis-Claude: I feel good. So good I think that today I will catch up with Unni.
Louttit: You crazy fool.
Louis-Claude: She reminds me of my late wife Rose. So pretty and clever...
Louttit: She reminds me of my late wife as well. What was her name now.....?
Ageless: Hold it right here, men. Unni is a Tour de France rider. She is masculine for the duration. So no noodling and canoodling and sheep's eyes and that sort of thing.
Louis-Claude: Alors! But she is not truly masculine. However, I should not like her to be rumbled thanks to my indiscretion.
Ageless: Hmmm.
(Ageless is remembering how yesterday Arthur refused him a gel pack. What does Team Crustacean owe to Team GetUp? Nothing! )
They pass their manager, Professor Freud, who has earlier fed them moules-frites.
They wave to Professor Freud, their manager.
Yoo-hoo!
But Professor Freud doesn't see them He is aiming a paintball at Froome.
........
Stage four has gone quickly. The riders are almost in Lille.
Alexander Kristoff puts on a burst of power. Marcel Kittel will need all his legs.
Of course the sprinters have long ago passed the Team Philosophe riders, Gaius, Vello, Schopenhauer and David.
David? David Hume? The team manager? Why is he riding?
Let's try and hear what they're saying.
Vello: Happy now?
David: Yes, I don't know what came over me. I just felt like riding again.
Gaius: What if you get caught?
David: Oh fiddle! They'll only make me do a crash course in Team Management training. Like Freud did.
Vello: Ha ha! Freud doing Team Management training. I bet he gave them curry!
Gaius: No, apparently he thought it was wonderful. He's going to make Team Crustacean do a team workshop this evening.
Schopenhauer: I saw him back there with his paint gun. He was aiming at Froome, just before Froome fell off.
Vello: Then he's learned nothing. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
David: Yes, you can. Surely it's a matter of reasoning.
Schopenhauer: A matter of superior will power.
David: Reasoning.
Schopenhauer: Will power.
Vello: Now then. You're both using different words to say the same thing.
Schopenhauer: No no, that won't work, Vello. The two are opposites.
Vello: Like pessimism and....what was that other thing?
Schopenhauer: Now you're teasing. But that reminds me, I must catch up to Sweezus.
David: Good luck with that. Here, before you power up, have a snack bar.
Schopenhauer: Thank you David.
He takes the snack bar, and powers off into the distance.
Vello: David, you're a brick.
David: I'll take that as a compliment. If it's an insult, it's still the same thing.
In this friendly fashion, the two philosophers roll into Lille, in time to see Marcel Kittel being interviewed by breathless reporters. Kittel has won his third stage!
Team Crustacean rides out of Le Touquet in high spirits.
Ageless: This is more like it. Moules-frites!
Louis-Claude: I love moules-frites!
Louttit: Three cheers for Professor Freud!
Ageless: I wouldn't go that far. He was re-loading his paintballs this morning.
Louis-Claude: I feel good. So good I think that today I will catch up with Unni.
Louttit: You crazy fool.
Louis-Claude: She reminds me of my late wife Rose. So pretty and clever...
Louttit: She reminds me of my late wife as well. What was her name now.....?
Ageless: Hold it right here, men. Unni is a Tour de France rider. She is masculine for the duration. So no noodling and canoodling and sheep's eyes and that sort of thing.
Louis-Claude: Alors! But she is not truly masculine. However, I should not like her to be rumbled thanks to my indiscretion.
Ageless: Hmmm.
(Ageless is remembering how yesterday Arthur refused him a gel pack. What does Team Crustacean owe to Team GetUp? Nothing! )
They pass their manager, Professor Freud, who has earlier fed them moules-frites.
They wave to Professor Freud, their manager.
Yoo-hoo!
But Professor Freud doesn't see them He is aiming a paintball at Froome.
........
Stage four has gone quickly. The riders are almost in Lille.
Alexander Kristoff puts on a burst of power. Marcel Kittel will need all his legs.
Of course the sprinters have long ago passed the Team Philosophe riders, Gaius, Vello, Schopenhauer and David.
David? David Hume? The team manager? Why is he riding?
Let's try and hear what they're saying.
Vello: Happy now?
David: Yes, I don't know what came over me. I just felt like riding again.
Gaius: What if you get caught?
David: Oh fiddle! They'll only make me do a crash course in Team Management training. Like Freud did.
Vello: Ha ha! Freud doing Team Management training. I bet he gave them curry!
Gaius: No, apparently he thought it was wonderful. He's going to make Team Crustacean do a team workshop this evening.
Schopenhauer: I saw him back there with his paint gun. He was aiming at Froome, just before Froome fell off.
Vello: Then he's learned nothing. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
David: Yes, you can. Surely it's a matter of reasoning.
Schopenhauer: A matter of superior will power.
David: Reasoning.
Schopenhauer: Will power.
Vello: Now then. You're both using different words to say the same thing.
Schopenhauer: No no, that won't work, Vello. The two are opposites.
Vello: Like pessimism and....what was that other thing?
Schopenhauer: Now you're teasing. But that reminds me, I must catch up to Sweezus.
David: Good luck with that. Here, before you power up, have a snack bar.
Schopenhauer: Thank you David.
He takes the snack bar, and powers off into the distance.
Vello: David, you're a brick.
David: I'll take that as a compliment. If it's an insult, it's still the same thing.
In this friendly fashion, the two philosophers roll into Lille, in time to see Marcel Kittel being interviewed by breathless reporters. Kittel has won his third stage!
Monday, July 7, 2014
Cambridge to London: Five Reasons A Team Is Dysfunctional
It's sunny in Cambridge. Stage Three has begun. The Tour rolls through green pastures.
Sweezus and Arthur form an early breakaway.
Sweezus keeps looking behind him.
You'll have to face him sooner or later, says Arthur.
Yeah, I know, says Sweezus, but it makes me ride faster.
It wasn't your fault, says Arthur. If anyone's, it was Unni's. She should tell him.
Nah, says Sweezus. I'm cool. Anyway, he's getting heaps of publicity. The German reporters ......Wish they'd come after me.
Activist you? says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Yeah, activist me.
Let me guess, says Arthur. Save the Cuttlies.
Genius! says Sweezus. How'd you know?
The fliers, says Arthur. But Gaius says they won't need saving. They're increasing in numbers.
Awesome, says Sweezus. That's a win-win for me and for Sweezie's Tender Cuttlies.
He looks behind him again. Schopenhauer is gaining.
Sweezus powers out in front. At this rate he could win the stage.
Schopenhauer catches up with Arthur, and passes him, panting. He is followed by Kittel and Sagan.
They draw level with Schopenhauer.
What's this about your new philosophy? asks Peter Sagan. You now reject human suffering?
All nonsense, I assure you, says Schopenhauer.
There is room, though, for optimism? asks Marcel Kittel.
Certainly, says Schopenhauer. Always room for the dreams of the foolish. I include myself among them....
Arthur drops back. Soon he finds himself level with Ageless.
What do you know about Team Management courses? asks Ageless.
Nothing, says Arthur. Why?
Because our manager is doing one, says Ageless. It's already taken two days. That's two days without snacks. Team Crustacean is becoming dysfunctional.
Professor Freud? says Arthur, reaching behind him and grabbing a gel pack to suck on.
Got any more gel packs? asks Ageless.
This is a competition, says Arthur. I can't help you.
I'll remember that, says Ageless, his eyes narrowing.
Ageless takes a deep breath and continues to ride without sustenance.
...........
It's been raining in the City of London. The roads are slippery and wet.
Professor Freud stands near the finish line. Crowds are cheering. Flags flutter. Buckingham Palace forms a large part of the scenery. Marcel Kittel is not far away.
Professor Freud's head is full of ideas he has gleaned from the Team Management training course.
The Five Reasons why a team is dysfunctional.
Absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability and inattention to results.
Who comes up with these wonderful concepts?
He supposes it's all psychological. And, he remembers, all those years ago he made his own contribution.
Freud feels a sense of warm fuzziness.
He fingers the paintball popper in his pocket. No, he won't use it today.
Sweezus and Arthur form an early breakaway.
Sweezus keeps looking behind him.
You'll have to face him sooner or later, says Arthur.
Yeah, I know, says Sweezus, but it makes me ride faster.
It wasn't your fault, says Arthur. If anyone's, it was Unni's. She should tell him.
Nah, says Sweezus. I'm cool. Anyway, he's getting heaps of publicity. The German reporters ......Wish they'd come after me.
Activist you? says Arthur.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Yeah, activist me.
Let me guess, says Arthur. Save the Cuttlies.
Genius! says Sweezus. How'd you know?
The fliers, says Arthur. But Gaius says they won't need saving. They're increasing in numbers.
Awesome, says Sweezus. That's a win-win for me and for Sweezie's Tender Cuttlies.
He looks behind him again. Schopenhauer is gaining.
Sweezus powers out in front. At this rate he could win the stage.
Schopenhauer catches up with Arthur, and passes him, panting. He is followed by Kittel and Sagan.
They draw level with Schopenhauer.
What's this about your new philosophy? asks Peter Sagan. You now reject human suffering?
All nonsense, I assure you, says Schopenhauer.
There is room, though, for optimism? asks Marcel Kittel.
Certainly, says Schopenhauer. Always room for the dreams of the foolish. I include myself among them....
Arthur drops back. Soon he finds himself level with Ageless.
What do you know about Team Management courses? asks Ageless.
Nothing, says Arthur. Why?
Because our manager is doing one, says Ageless. It's already taken two days. That's two days without snacks. Team Crustacean is becoming dysfunctional.
Professor Freud? says Arthur, reaching behind him and grabbing a gel pack to suck on.
Got any more gel packs? asks Ageless.
This is a competition, says Arthur. I can't help you.
I'll remember that, says Ageless, his eyes narrowing.
Ageless takes a deep breath and continues to ride without sustenance.
...........
It's been raining in the City of London. The roads are slippery and wet.
Professor Freud stands near the finish line. Crowds are cheering. Flags flutter. Buckingham Palace forms a large part of the scenery. Marcel Kittel is not far away.
Professor Freud's head is full of ideas he has gleaned from the Team Management training course.
The Five Reasons why a team is dysfunctional.
Absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability and inattention to results.
Who comes up with these wonderful concepts?
He supposes it's all psychological. And, he remembers, all those years ago he made his own contribution.
Freud feels a sense of warm fuzziness.
He fingers the paintball popper in his pocket. No, he won't use it today.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
York to Sheffield: Musettes and Bad Management
Another fine day in Yorkshire. Schopenhauer is somewhere ahead, chasing Sweezus. Gaius and Vello are in the main peloton, grumbling about David.
Gaius: Someone should tell him.
Vello: Belle was going to have a word.
Gaius: Good. We can't be expected to compete on empty stomachs every day.
Vello: I should say not.
They come up to a feeding station.
David is standing in the middle of the road, holding out two musettes.
They grab them.
Thanks David! says Gaius.
Good man! says Vello, opening his bag of yummy snacks.
Belle et Bonne stands in the road beside David, with musettes for Unni and Arthur.
See how easy that was? says Belle et Bonne.
Yes, says David doubtfully.
What is it? asks Belle et Bonne. Do you wish you were riding?
Yes, says David. I do.
Alberto Contador rides by flanked by his henchmen.
David waves. Alberto ignores him.
Schopenhauer's doing all right though, says Belle et Bonne. I didn't expect it.
He's riding like a man driven, says David.
He's trying to catch up with Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne. But he hasn't the legs.
Why Sweezus particularly? asks David.
Don't you know? says Belle et Bonne. He wants to grill him about where he got his ideas from.
Sweezus? says David. He doesn't have any ideas. He's a creative writer.
He ghosted that article, says Belle et Bonne.
Their conversation is interrupted by the passing of Team Crustacean.
Ageless is looking left and right. Louttit is steady. Louis-Claude bobs in the saddle.
Where's Freud? says David. He's their manager. He should be here with their food.
Oh, Freud! says Belle et Bonne. He's being so naughty. Did you know he's been reprimanded for firing indiscriminate paintballs? Indiscriminate my eye!
David's eyes widen. So someone is a worse manager than he is. That's something.
Woosh! who was that riding by, with little spots of paint on his clothing?
Vincent Nibali, going like the clappers. But he slows down to grab a musette. Yum! A Power Bar!
Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude watch the Power Bar speed past them, diminishing.
If only Freud had been there, with some nibbles.
But Freud is not there. Tour de France has sprung into action. Freud is in the officials' tent doing an enforced mini-course in team management training.
Gaius: Someone should tell him.
Vello: Belle was going to have a word.
Gaius: Good. We can't be expected to compete on empty stomachs every day.
Vello: I should say not.
They come up to a feeding station.
David is standing in the middle of the road, holding out two musettes.
They grab them.
Thanks David! says Gaius.
Good man! says Vello, opening his bag of yummy snacks.
Belle et Bonne stands in the road beside David, with musettes for Unni and Arthur.
See how easy that was? says Belle et Bonne.
Yes, says David doubtfully.
What is it? asks Belle et Bonne. Do you wish you were riding?
Yes, says David. I do.
Alberto Contador rides by flanked by his henchmen.
David waves. Alberto ignores him.
Schopenhauer's doing all right though, says Belle et Bonne. I didn't expect it.
He's riding like a man driven, says David.
He's trying to catch up with Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne. But he hasn't the legs.
Why Sweezus particularly? asks David.
Don't you know? says Belle et Bonne. He wants to grill him about where he got his ideas from.
Sweezus? says David. He doesn't have any ideas. He's a creative writer.
He ghosted that article, says Belle et Bonne.
Their conversation is interrupted by the passing of Team Crustacean.
Ageless is looking left and right. Louttit is steady. Louis-Claude bobs in the saddle.
Where's Freud? says David. He's their manager. He should be here with their food.
Oh, Freud! says Belle et Bonne. He's being so naughty. Did you know he's been reprimanded for firing indiscriminate paintballs? Indiscriminate my eye!
David's eyes widen. So someone is a worse manager than he is. That's something.
Woosh! who was that riding by, with little spots of paint on his clothing?
Vincent Nibali, going like the clappers. But he slows down to grab a musette. Yum! A Power Bar!
Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude watch the Power Bar speed past them, diminishing.
If only Freud had been there, with some nibbles.
But Freud is not there. Tour de France has sprung into action. Freud is in the officials' tent doing an enforced mini-course in team management training.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Stage One: Leeds to Harrogate: Causal Connections
Sweezus, Arthur and Unni are riding together in the main peloton. It's their first real chance to catch up.
So how was Tassie? asks Sweezus.
Good, says Arthur. We might go back there. We missed out on Dismal Swamp.
Yeah, says Unni. It would've been awesome. But it was closed for the winter. And we had to come back for the Tour.
She turns to look at the summer-green Yorkshire Dales with their yellow painted sheep, dry stone walls and crowds of cheering flag-waving people.
She wobbles.
Focus, says Sweezus.
Arthur looks mildly surprised.
Sorry, says Sweezus. It's the activist in me.
Yes, says Arthur. Why are we dressed up like cuttlefish?
Unni gives him a menacing look. Shut up Arthur.
Too late, Tejay Van Garderen and André Greipel have heard him.
Tejay and André speed past, laughing. Cuttlefish! Yes! How amusing.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I was going to tell you.......oh shit! Tell you later.....
He speeds up, without explaining his tactic.
Schopenhauer rides by, in a devilish hurry.
Perhaps there's a causal connection......
.......
The sun is shining, it is almost as warm as Tasmania.
The hours have flown by. The riders are nearly in Harrogate.
The crowds are cheering.
Ageless, who formed a one-lobster breakaway earlier, is now falling back.
Louttit is steady.
Louis-Claude de Freycinet, riding beside him, is doing well for a new-comer.
Like most lobsters, he is a natural. They pass a tree.
Someone is lurking behind it.
Here comes Mark Cavendish, trying to pass Simon Gerrans, with Marcel Kittel close behind them.
Mark Cavendish is distracted, he turns his head. What's that on his nose? Is it paint?
He crashes into Simon Gerrans. Disaster!
Louis-Claude and Louttit coast on down the road.
There they go, you can see the back of their team outfits clearly.
Team Crustacean, and in yellow, across their bottoms, Popup Paintball.
What can this mean?
Marcel Kittel has no time to wonder.
He sees his way clear to a Stage One victory and powers through.
So how was Tassie? asks Sweezus.
Good, says Arthur. We might go back there. We missed out on Dismal Swamp.
Yeah, says Unni. It would've been awesome. But it was closed for the winter. And we had to come back for the Tour.
She turns to look at the summer-green Yorkshire Dales with their yellow painted sheep, dry stone walls and crowds of cheering flag-waving people.
She wobbles.
Focus, says Sweezus.
Arthur looks mildly surprised.
Sorry, says Sweezus. It's the activist in me.
Yes, says Arthur. Why are we dressed up like cuttlefish?
Unni gives him a menacing look. Shut up Arthur.
Too late, Tejay Van Garderen and André Greipel have heard him.
Tejay and André speed past, laughing. Cuttlefish! Yes! How amusing.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I was going to tell you.......oh shit! Tell you later.....
He speeds up, without explaining his tactic.
Schopenhauer rides by, in a devilish hurry.
Perhaps there's a causal connection......
.......
The sun is shining, it is almost as warm as Tasmania.
The hours have flown by. The riders are nearly in Harrogate.
The crowds are cheering.
Ageless, who formed a one-lobster breakaway earlier, is now falling back.
Louttit is steady.
Louis-Claude de Freycinet, riding beside him, is doing well for a new-comer.
Like most lobsters, he is a natural. They pass a tree.
Someone is lurking behind it.
Here comes Mark Cavendish, trying to pass Simon Gerrans, with Marcel Kittel close behind them.
Mark Cavendish is distracted, he turns his head. What's that on his nose? Is it paint?
He crashes into Simon Gerrans. Disaster!
Louis-Claude and Louttit coast on down the road.
There they go, you can see the back of their team outfits clearly.
Team Crustacean, and in yellow, across their bottoms, Popup Paintball.
What can this mean?
Marcel Kittel has no time to wonder.
He sees his way clear to a Stage One victory and powers through.
Tricky Moments Before The Grand Départ
It's all happening in Leeds. David Cameron is coming. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are bringing baby George.
A local sweet shop has made a 24 pound slab of lemon coconut ice in honour of Mark Cavendish's mother.
A butcher in Ripon has manufactured a bicycle entirely out of pork.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are discussing the various teams' chances.
Phil Liggett: It's Team Sky for my money. Chris Froome to win.
Paul Sherwen: My money's on Contador. He's been finishing strongly all season. So has Andrew Talansky of Team Garmin Sharp
Phil Liggett: By the way, Paul, I've been hearing some interesting stories about Team Crustacean.
Paul Sherwen: The new team? Ageless Lobster is an old stalwart of course, but what do we know about Captain Louttit, and Louis-Claude de Freycinet? They've been kept under wraps.
Phil Liggett: I was talking with Professor Freud just now and he says they've both got the legs to do it.
Paul Sherwen: Ha ha! They've got legs to spare!
Phil Liggett: And what about team Get Up?
Paul Sherwen: I hear Arthur Rimbaud and Unni Moon have been riding pretty intensively in Tasmania. Sweezus is looking confident, but he has a tendency to lose focus at crucial moments.
Phil Liggett: Team Philosophe?
Paul Sherwen: Well this is interesting, Phil. There's been a last minute switch. David Hume won't be riding and his place will be taken by Schopenhauer, who has only recently taken up riding.
Phil Liggett: Oh yes, on the wonder bicycle. I've had a look at that bicycle. He calls it the Platonic Ideal. I must say it looks extraordinary. I imagine Team Sky and Team Tinkoff-Saxo have had their spies out.
Paul Sherwen: Well, time for us to go to the start line.
Phil Liggett: I'll be along in a minute.
..........
Since arriving in Leeds, Schopenhauer has been besieged by German reporters.
Herr Schopenhauer! Herr Schopenhauer!
What is it?
Is it true that you've disappointed all your fans by your change in philosophy?
No, no! I most emphatically have not changed my philosophy.
So Herr Schopenhauer, you are not optimistic of winning?
Of course I am optimistic of winning!
Then does this mean you've done another back-flip?
Himmel! Nein! Can you stupid people not see the difference between a bicycle race and human existence?
David, seeing one of his team members being hassled by annoying German reporters, comes over.
Clear off, you reporters! says David.
Vello, seeing David annoying the German reporters, also comes over.
Shut up, David, says Vello. That's no way to manage the press. They'll tear us to pieces.
We shall put out a statement when Stage One is over, says Vello. Meanwhile, please give us some space.
The German reporters are perfectly willing. You only have to treat them politely.
They go over to annoy Team Crustacean.
Louis-Claude! Is it true that you don't know how to ride a bicycle?
But they are unexpectedly fired on by paint-balls.
Professor Freud knows how to manage a team.
A local sweet shop has made a 24 pound slab of lemon coconut ice in honour of Mark Cavendish's mother.
A butcher in Ripon has manufactured a bicycle entirely out of pork.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are discussing the various teams' chances.
Phil Liggett: It's Team Sky for my money. Chris Froome to win.
Paul Sherwen: My money's on Contador. He's been finishing strongly all season. So has Andrew Talansky of Team Garmin Sharp
Phil Liggett: By the way, Paul, I've been hearing some interesting stories about Team Crustacean.
Paul Sherwen: The new team? Ageless Lobster is an old stalwart of course, but what do we know about Captain Louttit, and Louis-Claude de Freycinet? They've been kept under wraps.
Phil Liggett: I was talking with Professor Freud just now and he says they've both got the legs to do it.
Paul Sherwen: Ha ha! They've got legs to spare!
Phil Liggett: And what about team Get Up?
Paul Sherwen: I hear Arthur Rimbaud and Unni Moon have been riding pretty intensively in Tasmania. Sweezus is looking confident, but he has a tendency to lose focus at crucial moments.
Phil Liggett: Team Philosophe?
Paul Sherwen: Well this is interesting, Phil. There's been a last minute switch. David Hume won't be riding and his place will be taken by Schopenhauer, who has only recently taken up riding.
Phil Liggett: Oh yes, on the wonder bicycle. I've had a look at that bicycle. He calls it the Platonic Ideal. I must say it looks extraordinary. I imagine Team Sky and Team Tinkoff-Saxo have had their spies out.
Paul Sherwen: Well, time for us to go to the start line.
Phil Liggett: I'll be along in a minute.
..........
Since arriving in Leeds, Schopenhauer has been besieged by German reporters.
Herr Schopenhauer! Herr Schopenhauer!
What is it?
Is it true that you've disappointed all your fans by your change in philosophy?
No, no! I most emphatically have not changed my philosophy.
So Herr Schopenhauer, you are not optimistic of winning?
Of course I am optimistic of winning!
Then does this mean you've done another back-flip?
Himmel! Nein! Can you stupid people not see the difference between a bicycle race and human existence?
David, seeing one of his team members being hassled by annoying German reporters, comes over.
Clear off, you reporters! says David.
Vello, seeing David annoying the German reporters, also comes over.
Shut up, David, says Vello. That's no way to manage the press. They'll tear us to pieces.
We shall put out a statement when Stage One is over, says Vello. Meanwhile, please give us some space.
The German reporters are perfectly willing. You only have to treat them politely.
They go over to annoy Team Crustacean.
Louis-Claude! Is it true that you don't know how to ride a bicycle?
But they are unexpectedly fired on by paint-balls.
Professor Freud knows how to manage a team.
Friday, July 4, 2014
All Roads Lead To Leeds
Why David Is Late.
Schopenhauer turns up at the Velosophy office just as David is leaving for the airport.
Stop right there! says Schopenhauer. You have some explaining to do.
I'm in a hurry, says David. The Tour de France starts on Saturday.
So it does, says Schopenhauer. You don't happen to need a spare rider?
Are you any good? asks David, because I don't mind telling you I'm getting too old for this lark.
I'm fit and fast, says Schopenhauer. I'm good in the mountains. And I have an excellent bicycle. I'd be an asset to Team Philosophe.
He notices David is grinning.
Why are you grinning? asks Schopenhauer. What's so funny?
Your famous change of philosophy, says David. The pessimist becomes an optimist. It's all over the internet. You're famous all over again.
Balderdash! cries Schopenhauer. That's just what I'm here for. There has been no change of philosophy. I am still pessimistic at bottom. Always will be. The world is still full of suffering. Will has not overcome reason.....
My goodness! says David. I thought Sweezus had your approval when he ghosted your article!
No! says Schopenhauer. This is shocking. Do you mean to say it's all over the philosophical world that I've become a ........a Pollyanna?
Ha ha! a Pollyanna, no, it's not quite that bad, says David.
Stop laughing says Schopenhauer. I shall sue!
Calm down old chap, says David. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement.
...........
Negotiations At The Airport.
Luckily the flight is delayed forty minutes.
Gaius has turned up, but not David. Vello is tapping his foot.
Here comes David, with Schopenhauer, both of them beaming.
David, you fool, says Vello, you almost missed .....what's the matter?
Schopenhauer is taking my place in Team Philosophe, says David, and I shall content myself with being team manager. That is if no one objects.
I object, says Vello. You couldn't manage a game of beach cricket.
If it was a game of beach cricket, says Gaius, I too would object.
Vello, Schopenhauer and David look enquiringly at Gaius. Is he going to explain his objection?
No, he isn't. That was his whole contribution.
Hello all! says a Freudian voice, belonging to Professor Freud. All ready for Leeds?
Sigmund! says Vello. Didn't know you were going!
A last minute decision, says Freud. A team that had gone down the gurgler has been resurrected, and I'm to be manager.
Manager? says David. Who's your team?
Team Crustacean, says Freud, thereby raising several eyebrows.
.........
Three Lobsters In A Suitcase
In a large brown suitcase, labelled S. F.( Prof. ), with a green ribbon tied round the handle, are Ageless Lobster, Captain Louttit and Louis-Claude de Freycinet, of the new Team Crustacean. They are talking tactics.
Go out hard, says Ageless. That's what I do. Form a breakaway. Don't be afraid to use your legs.
This sounds like good tactics to Captain Louttit. Use your legs. Who needs strapping?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet nods in agreement. But he's thinking, it's all right for them.
They can both ride a bicycle. He is not sure that he can.
Perhaps that nice Unni will help him.
Schopenhauer turns up at the Velosophy office just as David is leaving for the airport.
Stop right there! says Schopenhauer. You have some explaining to do.
I'm in a hurry, says David. The Tour de France starts on Saturday.
So it does, says Schopenhauer. You don't happen to need a spare rider?
Are you any good? asks David, because I don't mind telling you I'm getting too old for this lark.
I'm fit and fast, says Schopenhauer. I'm good in the mountains. And I have an excellent bicycle. I'd be an asset to Team Philosophe.
He notices David is grinning.
Why are you grinning? asks Schopenhauer. What's so funny?
Your famous change of philosophy, says David. The pessimist becomes an optimist. It's all over the internet. You're famous all over again.
Balderdash! cries Schopenhauer. That's just what I'm here for. There has been no change of philosophy. I am still pessimistic at bottom. Always will be. The world is still full of suffering. Will has not overcome reason.....
My goodness! says David. I thought Sweezus had your approval when he ghosted your article!
No! says Schopenhauer. This is shocking. Do you mean to say it's all over the philosophical world that I've become a ........a Pollyanna?
Ha ha! a Pollyanna, no, it's not quite that bad, says David.
Stop laughing says Schopenhauer. I shall sue!
Calm down old chap, says David. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement.
...........
Negotiations At The Airport.
Luckily the flight is delayed forty minutes.
Gaius has turned up, but not David. Vello is tapping his foot.
Here comes David, with Schopenhauer, both of them beaming.
David, you fool, says Vello, you almost missed .....what's the matter?
Schopenhauer is taking my place in Team Philosophe, says David, and I shall content myself with being team manager. That is if no one objects.
I object, says Vello. You couldn't manage a game of beach cricket.
If it was a game of beach cricket, says Gaius, I too would object.
Vello, Schopenhauer and David look enquiringly at Gaius. Is he going to explain his objection?
No, he isn't. That was his whole contribution.
Hello all! says a Freudian voice, belonging to Professor Freud. All ready for Leeds?
Sigmund! says Vello. Didn't know you were going!
A last minute decision, says Freud. A team that had gone down the gurgler has been resurrected, and I'm to be manager.
Manager? says David. Who's your team?
Team Crustacean, says Freud, thereby raising several eyebrows.
.........
Three Lobsters In A Suitcase
In a large brown suitcase, labelled S. F.( Prof. ), with a green ribbon tied round the handle, are Ageless Lobster, Captain Louttit and Louis-Claude de Freycinet, of the new Team Crustacean. They are talking tactics.
Go out hard, says Ageless. That's what I do. Form a breakaway. Don't be afraid to use your legs.
This sounds like good tactics to Captain Louttit. Use your legs. Who needs strapping?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet nods in agreement. But he's thinking, it's all right for them.
They can both ride a bicycle. He is not sure that he can.
Perhaps that nice Unni will help him.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Tour de France Jitters
Two days to the start of the Tour.
Alejandro Valverde is in his pyjamas, watching television. It's Peppa Pig. The one where Daddy Pig tries to put up a picture and knocks a big hole in the wall.
Ha ha! laughs Alejandro Valverde. He looks at his watch. It's too early to head off to Leeds.
.......
Alberto Contador is also in his pyjamas. He is watching a video. It is a video of the road between Leeds and Harrogate, somewhat blurry. Alberto has not been to Leeds. He has not been to Harrogate. Madre de dios! How it looks ordinary!
Every half hour, he gets up and goes out to the shed to check on his bicycle. El Pistolero is that kind of guy.
..........
Ageless lobster is in the State Library in Adelaide. He has been sleeping there under a table.
A foot kicks him, accidentally.
The foot's owner looks under the table.
Ageless! says Professor Freud. Why aren't you in Leeds?
Ageless sighs, and tells Professor Freud everything. It's all gone cactus. He hasn't a team. But last night he had a strange dream. He was cycling under water...........
.........
Captain Louttit has obtained a deluxe suite on the Spirit of Tasmania, thanks to his connections, and everyone has slept well. Now they are docking in Melbourne.
First, says Unni, I'm off to see mum. I'll meet you on Saturday in Leeds.
Goodbye Unni, says Gaius. I hope you've enjoyed Tasmania.
Oh yes, says Unni. I have just one regret. We didn't make it to Dismal Swamp.
Dismal Swamp! says Schopenhauer. Why didn't we go there? It was decided!
By you, says Gaius. We didn't have time.
And it's closed for the winter, says Unni. But I'm going there one day.
Arthur thinks he would like to go there with Sweezus. Dismal Swamp. The name is like an elixir. Sweeter than Leeds.
.......
Sweezus is packing. Belle et Bonne is helping.
No, says Belle. You don't need those.
Yes I do, says Sweezus. This is more than a Tour. It's a marketing exercise.
He stuffs bundles of fliers and petitions into his backpack.
On top of them, he shoves the Team Outfits. One for him, one for Arthur, one for Unni. The outfits are red yellow, brown and black, with iridescent green leg bands. Team Get Up will look like a team of cycling cuttlefish, in the right light conditions.
........
Vello is packed. He is ready. He is at the airport. He is waiting for David.
It's time for boarding. And David is late.
Alejandro Valverde is in his pyjamas, watching television. It's Peppa Pig. The one where Daddy Pig tries to put up a picture and knocks a big hole in the wall.
Ha ha! laughs Alejandro Valverde. He looks at his watch. It's too early to head off to Leeds.
.......
Alberto Contador is also in his pyjamas. He is watching a video. It is a video of the road between Leeds and Harrogate, somewhat blurry. Alberto has not been to Leeds. He has not been to Harrogate. Madre de dios! How it looks ordinary!
Every half hour, he gets up and goes out to the shed to check on his bicycle. El Pistolero is that kind of guy.
..........
Ageless lobster is in the State Library in Adelaide. He has been sleeping there under a table.
A foot kicks him, accidentally.
The foot's owner looks under the table.
Ageless! says Professor Freud. Why aren't you in Leeds?
Ageless sighs, and tells Professor Freud everything. It's all gone cactus. He hasn't a team. But last night he had a strange dream. He was cycling under water...........
.........
Captain Louttit has obtained a deluxe suite on the Spirit of Tasmania, thanks to his connections, and everyone has slept well. Now they are docking in Melbourne.
First, says Unni, I'm off to see mum. I'll meet you on Saturday in Leeds.
Goodbye Unni, says Gaius. I hope you've enjoyed Tasmania.
Oh yes, says Unni. I have just one regret. We didn't make it to Dismal Swamp.
Dismal Swamp! says Schopenhauer. Why didn't we go there? It was decided!
By you, says Gaius. We didn't have time.
And it's closed for the winter, says Unni. But I'm going there one day.
Arthur thinks he would like to go there with Sweezus. Dismal Swamp. The name is like an elixir. Sweeter than Leeds.
.......
Sweezus is packing. Belle et Bonne is helping.
No, says Belle. You don't need those.
Yes I do, says Sweezus. This is more than a Tour. It's a marketing exercise.
He stuffs bundles of fliers and petitions into his backpack.
On top of them, he shoves the Team Outfits. One for him, one for Arthur, one for Unni. The outfits are red yellow, brown and black, with iridescent green leg bands. Team Get Up will look like a team of cycling cuttlefish, in the right light conditions.
........
Vello is packed. He is ready. He is at the airport. He is waiting for David.
It's time for boarding. And David is late.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
The Downside Of Compassion
They spend the night sleeping in comfort, in Scottsdale.
All but one of them.
Captain Louttit has been overlooked in Schopenhauer's bicycle basket. The bicycle of course is outside.
It's four degrees Celsius in Scottsdale, on average in July, overnight, according to Willyweather.
Captain Louttit is abandoned. No one has come out to get him.
The salt water in the plastic lined pale blue cloche hat is close to freezing, without actually freezing.
And Captain Louttit is not grateful for that.
He attempts to climb out of the basket. He can't do it.
His body is closing down. His mind wanders. He dreams a cold watery dream.
He is riding beside Ageless, on the cold ocean floor, watched by fang tooth fish, vampire squid and sea urchins........
.......
Next morning, bright and early, they check out of the small B and B, and pick up their bicycles.
Wurrrrrhuurrrr.....!
What's that noise? cries Unni. Oh no! It's Captain Louttit! We left him outside!
Wurrrrrhuurrrr! says Captain Louttit.
He's caught a chill, says Schopenhauer. I know that breathing.
He needs to warm up, says Unni, lifting Captain Louttit out of the splintery water.
Ughhh! Chkkk! says Capttain Louttit. I need a stiff shot of brandy.
What a lovely idea. Arthur heads off to the bottle shop.
We can't wait about, says Gaius. Are you all right to travel?
Of course he is, says de Freycinet. He's a sailor.
Arthur returns with a bottle of brandy.
How much? asks Schopenhauer, taking out his wallet.
Arthur can't remember. Schopenhauer gives him a fifty.
Captain Louttit has a swig. He feels better already.
I'm alright to travel, says Captain Louttit. But I've still got the shivers. I need to warm up.
His eye falls on the Platonic Ideal.
The Platonic Ideal, on which he dreamed he was riding with Ageless on the floor of the ocean.....watched by fang fish and urchins and squid.
The perfect time for my lesson! says Captain Louttit.
Tch! says Gaius. You'll hold us all up.
No, I won't, says Captain Louttit. Last night I dreamed up a certain degree of efficiency.
He clambers onto the Platonic Ideal, without the advantage of strappings.
He stretches his legs to the pedals, grabs the handlbars. Crick crack! He starts pedaling down the road out of Scottsdale.
Brilliant, says Schopenhauer. There goes my bicycle.
.......
They are soon in Launceston, at the bus station, buying tickets for the Hobart Express which will take them to Devonport in time to catch the night ferry.
Schopenhauer is in a bad mood. He has been dinkied from Scottsdale, by Gaius. His trousers are ruined. His bicycle smells faintly of lobster.
And now he must pay for the tickets.
All but one of them.
Captain Louttit has been overlooked in Schopenhauer's bicycle basket. The bicycle of course is outside.
It's four degrees Celsius in Scottsdale, on average in July, overnight, according to Willyweather.
Captain Louttit is abandoned. No one has come out to get him.
The salt water in the plastic lined pale blue cloche hat is close to freezing, without actually freezing.
And Captain Louttit is not grateful for that.
He attempts to climb out of the basket. He can't do it.
His body is closing down. His mind wanders. He dreams a cold watery dream.
He is riding beside Ageless, on the cold ocean floor, watched by fang tooth fish, vampire squid and sea urchins........
.......
Next morning, bright and early, they check out of the small B and B, and pick up their bicycles.
Wurrrrrhuurrrr.....!
What's that noise? cries Unni. Oh no! It's Captain Louttit! We left him outside!
Wurrrrrhuurrrr! says Captain Louttit.
He's caught a chill, says Schopenhauer. I know that breathing.
He needs to warm up, says Unni, lifting Captain Louttit out of the splintery water.
Ughhh! Chkkk! says Capttain Louttit. I need a stiff shot of brandy.
What a lovely idea. Arthur heads off to the bottle shop.
We can't wait about, says Gaius. Are you all right to travel?
Of course he is, says de Freycinet. He's a sailor.
Arthur returns with a bottle of brandy.
How much? asks Schopenhauer, taking out his wallet.
Arthur can't remember. Schopenhauer gives him a fifty.
Captain Louttit has a swig. He feels better already.
I'm alright to travel, says Captain Louttit. But I've still got the shivers. I need to warm up.
His eye falls on the Platonic Ideal.
The Platonic Ideal, on which he dreamed he was riding with Ageless on the floor of the ocean.....watched by fang fish and urchins and squid.
The perfect time for my lesson! says Captain Louttit.
Tch! says Gaius. You'll hold us all up.
No, I won't, says Captain Louttit. Last night I dreamed up a certain degree of efficiency.
He clambers onto the Platonic Ideal, without the advantage of strappings.
He stretches his legs to the pedals, grabs the handlbars. Crick crack! He starts pedaling down the road out of Scottsdale.
Brilliant, says Schopenhauer. There goes my bicycle.
.......
They are soon in Launceston, at the bus station, buying tickets for the Hobart Express which will take them to Devonport in time to catch the night ferry.
Schopenhauer is in a bad mood. He has been dinkied from Scottsdale, by Gaius. His trousers are ruined. His bicycle smells faintly of lobster.
And now he must pay for the tickets.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
How Men Take The Credit
Back in Adelaide, in the Velosophy office, Sweezus is talking to Belle.
It's all sorted, says Sweezus.
Good, says Belle et Bonne. When are they coming?
Before Saturday, says Sweezus. Probably Friday. They're still in Tassie.
Ooh, says Belle et Bonne. Gaius too? Does papa know?
Know what? says Vello coming in unexpectedly.
Gaius is still in Tasmania, says Belle et Bonne.
Give me the phone, says Vello.
He calls Gaius's number.
Gaius?
Hello?
Gaius, don't tell me you're still in Tasmania?
Ahem! I am. But I ...
Have you forgotten the Tour?
No, of course not. In fact I'm getting......
Very good. Is Schopenhauer still with you?
Yes. But you'd hardly know him these days, he's ..........
So I believe. Young Sweezus has just published his piece. It seems he's changed his philosophy completely. Caused quite a sensation back here, not to mention in Europe.
You're breaking up, Vello.......
Am I ?.... drat this stupid device......Belle........what do I do.........what button.......?
..............
In Scottsdale, in a small Band B.
Gaius: I've just been talking to Vello.
Schopenhauer: I suppose he's getting a bit toey.
Gaius: He wants me back for the Tour. And he asked about you.
Schopenhauer: Me? What did he ....was it about me joining the team?
Gaius: I thought you weren't interested. And it wasn't about that. It was about how you've changed your philosophy. And it's been published, and caused a sensation.
Schopenhauer: Thunder and lightning! Calumny!
Unni: What's up?
Schopenhauer: We must return to Adelaide immediately!
Unni: We can't, we're only in Scottsdale.
Arthur: We could make a start.
Unni: It's night and it's freezing!
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: Calme-toi, chérie!
Unni: Pardon?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: You shall not suffer the cold, my dear. We shall leave in the morning.
Arthur: My dear?
Unni: Shut up, Arthur. It's nice of him to think of my welfare.
Arthur: Are we going or not?
Gaius: No. We'll go in the morning. Arthur, work out the best way to do it.
Unni: We'll ride to Launceston in the morning. It's only sixty four kilometres. Then catch the afternoon bus to Devonport, the night ferry to Melbourne and the Overland back to Adelaide. We'll be there in two days.
Okay Arthur?
Sure, says Arthur. How's that, Gaius?
Very good, Arthur, says Gaius.
Yes, very good Arthur, says Unni.
It's all sorted, says Sweezus.
Good, says Belle et Bonne. When are they coming?
Before Saturday, says Sweezus. Probably Friday. They're still in Tassie.
Ooh, says Belle et Bonne. Gaius too? Does papa know?
Know what? says Vello coming in unexpectedly.
Gaius is still in Tasmania, says Belle et Bonne.
Give me the phone, says Vello.
He calls Gaius's number.
Gaius?
Hello?
Gaius, don't tell me you're still in Tasmania?
Ahem! I am. But I ...
Have you forgotten the Tour?
No, of course not. In fact I'm getting......
Very good. Is Schopenhauer still with you?
Yes. But you'd hardly know him these days, he's ..........
So I believe. Young Sweezus has just published his piece. It seems he's changed his philosophy completely. Caused quite a sensation back here, not to mention in Europe.
You're breaking up, Vello.......
Am I ?.... drat this stupid device......Belle........what do I do.........what button.......?
..............
In Scottsdale, in a small Band B.
Gaius: I've just been talking to Vello.
Schopenhauer: I suppose he's getting a bit toey.
Gaius: He wants me back for the Tour. And he asked about you.
Schopenhauer: Me? What did he ....was it about me joining the team?
Gaius: I thought you weren't interested. And it wasn't about that. It was about how you've changed your philosophy. And it's been published, and caused a sensation.
Schopenhauer: Thunder and lightning! Calumny!
Unni: What's up?
Schopenhauer: We must return to Adelaide immediately!
Unni: We can't, we're only in Scottsdale.
Arthur: We could make a start.
Unni: It's night and it's freezing!
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: Calme-toi, chérie!
Unni: Pardon?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: You shall not suffer the cold, my dear. We shall leave in the morning.
Arthur: My dear?
Unni: Shut up, Arthur. It's nice of him to think of my welfare.
Arthur: Are we going or not?
Gaius: No. We'll go in the morning. Arthur, work out the best way to do it.
Unni: We'll ride to Launceston in the morning. It's only sixty four kilometres. Then catch the afternoon bus to Devonport, the night ferry to Melbourne and the Overland back to Adelaide. We'll be there in two days.
Okay Arthur?
Sure, says Arthur. How's that, Gaius?
Very good, Arthur, says Gaius.
Yes, very good Arthur, says Unni.
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