Tricky Moments Before The Grand Départ

It's all happening in Leeds. David Cameron is coming. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are bringing baby George.

A local sweet shop has made a 24 pound slab of lemon coconut ice in honour of Mark Cavendish's mother.

A butcher in Ripon has manufactured a bicycle entirely out of pork.

Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are discussing the various teams' chances.

Phil Liggett: It's Team Sky for my money. Chris Froome to win.

Paul Sherwen: My money's on Contador. He's been finishing strongly all season. So has Andrew Talansky of Team Garmin Sharp

Phil Liggett: By the way, Paul, I've been hearing some interesting stories about Team Crustacean.

Paul Sherwen: The new team? Ageless Lobster is an old stalwart of course, but what do we know about Captain Louttit, and Louis-Claude de Freycinet? They've been kept under wraps.

Phil Liggett: I was talking with Professor Freud just now and he says they've both got the legs to do it.

Paul Sherwen: Ha ha! They've got legs to spare!

Phil Liggett: And what about team Get Up?

Paul Sherwen: I hear Arthur Rimbaud and Unni Moon have been riding pretty intensively in Tasmania. Sweezus is looking confident, but he has a tendency to lose focus at crucial moments.

Phil Liggett: Team Philosophe?

Paul Sherwen: Well this is interesting, Phil. There's been a last minute switch. David Hume won't be riding and his place will be taken by Schopenhauer, who has only recently taken up riding.

Phil Liggett: Oh yes, on the wonder bicycle. I've had a look at that bicycle. He calls it the Platonic Ideal. I must say it looks extraordinary. I imagine Team Sky and Team Tinkoff-Saxo  have had their spies out.

Paul Sherwen: Well, time for us to go to the start line.

Phil Liggett: I'll be along in a minute.

..........

Since arriving in Leeds, Schopenhauer has been besieged by German reporters.

Herr Schopenhauer! Herr Schopenhauer!

What is it?

Is it true that you've disappointed all your fans by your change in philosophy?

No, no! I most emphatically have not changed my philosophy.

So Herr Schopenhauer, you are not optimistic of winning?

Of course I am optimistic of winning!

Then does this mean you've done another back-flip?

Himmel! Nein! Can you stupid people not see the difference between a bicycle race and human existence?

David, seeing one of his team members being hassled by annoying German reporters, comes over.

Clear off, you reporters! says David.

Vello, seeing David annoying the German reporters, also comes over.

Shut up, David, says Vello. That's no way to manage the press. They'll tear us to pieces.

We shall put out a statement when Stage One is over, says Vello. Meanwhile, please give us some space.

The German reporters are perfectly willing. You only have to treat them politely.

They go over to annoy Team Crustacean.

Louis-Claude! Is it true that you don't know how to ride a bicycle?

But they are unexpectedly fired on by paint-balls.

Professor Freud knows how to manage a team.