Certain Uncertain

Belle hands Sweezus a full box of flyers.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Terence, let's go.

And me! says Baby Pierre.

You can't hand out flyers, says Terence. 

Why not? asks Baby Pierre.

You're too low, says Terence.

I'll bring my bike, says Baby Pierre.

Where is it? asks Sweezus.

At Gaius's house, says Baby Pierre.

No way, says Sweezus. You can stand on the box.

He heads down the stairs, followed by Terence, who is followed by Baby Pierre.

Sweezus thinks about where he might hand out the flyers.

Maybe outside the Garden of Unearthly Delights. Perhaps outside Gluttony.

Or in the Mall, near the Mall's Balls. Yeah. Good one!

He turns around to see if Terence is following.

....

Gaius and Kierkegaard have gone for a coffee with Captain Baudin.

How do you like being the Narrator? asks Gaius.

I enjoy it very much, says Captain Baudin. Vello gives me beaucoup de freedom. 

He likes the way you include odd French words, says Gaius.

They are not odd, says Captain Baudin.

I didn't mean that, says Gaius.

As for me, says Kierkegaard, I hope Arthur will give me my cloak back.

He will, says Gaius. He is reliable.

Will he go with you to New Zealand? asks Kierkegaard.

I don't know, says Gaius. I haven't yet asked him. And he's hard to pin down.

I'll go with you if he won't, says Kierkegaard.

Nice of you, says Gaius.

New Zealand, says Captain Baudin. An old  friend of mine was killed and eaten there. 

Was this...? begins Gaius.

Before I became a lobster, says Captain Baudin. Alas, my friend Dufresne never had that opportunity.

Perhaps you'd like to accompany us, says Gaius.

I'll think about it, says Captain Baudin

....

Belle is sewing a tee shirt for Terence. 

It is purple, with a gold lightning flash on the front.

Terence will like that.

She has enough material to make one for Baby Pierre as well. But should she?

He's an unusual shape.

....

Vello and David are cycling through the parklands having hired two of those new-fangled electric bicycles.

They find it relaxing.

....

Ageless and Kobo are fiddling with the royal blue sash.

Trying out different knots and so on.

It brings them together in a pleasurable way.

....

As to where Arthur is, or what he is doing, that is uncertain.

Remember Us We

I'm not sure about that song, says Vello.

What's wrong with it? asks Terence.

For one thing, says Vello, it leaves out the fact that Candide killed two people.

Okay, says Terence. I'll sing that at the end.

No you can't, says Baby Pierre. It should go in the middle.

Okay, the middle, says Terence.

And I'm not sure about the beginning, says David. Didn't we agree on two Earthquakes?

Yes, says Belle. Terence is the big one and Baby Pierre is the small one, running behind him. They both looked so cute in their socks.

So Terence will need to change the beginning, says Vello.

Why? asks Terence. What was it?

Remember me I'm the Earthquake, says Baby Pierre.

Seeing Terence's bottom lip trembling, Sweezus decides to support him.

I like it, says Sweezus. 

It should be Remember us we're the Earthquake, says Baby Pierre. 

But you were the Grand Inquisitor, says Terence. I had to dance round you.

I was being a stand-in for you, says Baby Pierre. 

And you were the stand-in for me, says Arthur. But in the actual performance. I'll be dead on the floor and you two will be dancing around me and Don Issachar. 

If you turn up, says Vello.

I'll turn up, says Arthur. 

When is our performance? asks Gaius.

Tomorrow evening, says Belle. I really must finish your costumes.

Yay! says Terence. Am I still getting a tee shirt?

Yes, says Belle. So I'll be busy this afternoon. Who wants to help me by handing out flyers?

Me! says Terence. 

I'll do it, says Sweezus. Terence can go with me.

And me, says Baby Pierre. 

Cool, says Sweezus. You guys can work on your song.

Remember me I'm the Earthquake, hums Terence.

I know what your humming, says Baby Pierre.

Crack Rubble Surprise

Good timing, bro, says Sweezus. Rehearsal's finished.

I see you've been shopping, says Vello.

Not exactly, says Arthur. I just picked up a few things.

We needed you to be the Grand Inquisitor, says Vello. Terence had to do it.

I had to DIE, says Terence. It's hard. You need to practise.

Not that hard, says Sweezus. I run you through with a sword, while you look surprised.

Sounds easy, says Arthur.

It isn't, says Terence. Anyway, I'm not dead now. I'm the Earthquake and horses.

Busy you, says Arthur. Who wants a fruit bun? What horses?

We resolved to include the escape on horseback, says Vello. It's more dramatic. 

I obtained and divided a coconut, says Kierkegaard. May I have a beer?

Go for it, says Arthur. 

Do we need to warm up the fruit buns? asks Belle.

No, says Arthur. They're warm already.

Everyone is glad that the first rehearsal is over, and that Arthur has brought fruit buns and pale ale , never mind how he got them, and why the buns are so warm.

I think we have a hit on our hands, says David. 

It's not fair! says Terence.

Terence hasn't sung his song yet, says Belle. Do it now, Terence.

Can't, says Terence. There's no dead people on the floor and the ones on the horses are eating BUNS!

Acting is pretending, says Gaius. And Baby Pierre is still playing dead on the floor.

Yes! says Baby Pierre. I'm the only one still in character.

I'll be wanting to dance there, says Terence. So get out of the way.

No, says Baby Pierre. You'll have to dance and sing and clap coconuts around me.

Okay, says Terence. Here I go:

Hey! I'm the Earthquake, remember me people!

I killed everyone. 

Crack! Rubble! Surprise! 

Who's this I'm stepping on?

Crack! Rubble! Surprise! 

It's the Grand Inquisitor and Don Issachar 

Crack! Rubble! Surprise!

See these coconuts?

Crack! Rubble! Surprise!

They're the horses to ride away on.

It's over. 

Surprise!

He stops dancing, and begins clapping the coconuts.

I'm The Horses

 Final scene! says Vello. Ageless, come forward.

Ageless shuffles up, with Kobo, as his left buttock.

Wait, says Belle. She's shifted to the middle.

Let her stay in the middle, says Ageless. It's more comfortable. And it's just a rehearsal.

Fine, says Vello. Begin.

Wait! says Terence. Can I sing a song at the end?

After the coconuts? asks Vello.

With the coconuts, says Terence.

There's an idea, says David.

The coconuts have a function, says Vello. Do you know what it is?

No, says Terence.

When clapped together, they sound like horses galloping, says Vello. 

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre. Terence didn't know!

I did know, says Terence.

(He didn't).

I'll be the one who claps them together, says Terence.

How will the audience know if you're horses or an Earthquake? asks Sweezus.

By my SONG! cries Terence.

We'll see, says Vello. Is your song ready?

Not yet, says Terence. I have to add in the horses.

I KNEW it! says Baby Pierre.

Shut up! I'm doing it, says Terence.

Quiet! says Vello. Cue, Cunégonde.

Here's a scrape! says Belle. We'll be excommunicated for certain! My dear Candide has killed a Jew and a priest in under two minutes!

A jealous man doesn't know what he's doing, says Sweezus.

Wait! says Baby Pierre. Where's the other dead body?

It's me, says Terence. But now I'm the horses and the earthquake. You can be the dead body

Baby Pierre is triumphant. He lies down next to Don Issachar.

Continue! says Vello.

What shall we do? cries Belle.

There are three thoroughbred horses in the stable, says Ageless. Candide must get them ready. You, madam, should gather up your diamonds. We'll ride through the night to Cadiz!

Ooh-no! cries Kobo. 

Ha ha, laughs Vello. Nice touch!

Can I start singing? asks Terence.

Not till they've left the stage, says Vello. Remember, the coconuts are their horses.

Candide leaves the stage, followed by Cunégonde and the Old Woman, and Kobo who is pinker than usual, not that you could tell, under the royal blue ribbon.

Give me the coconuts! cries Terence.

Just then Arthur returns with a six-pack of pale ale and two packets of fruit buns.

Kerlop-Kerlop

Kierkegaard returns with a coconut.

Two half-coconuts would have been more convenient, says Vello.

That can be simply arranged, says Kierkegaard. Is there a knife in this office?

Yes, says Belle. In the spoon drawer.

She goes across to the spoon drawer, and takes out the knife.

Kierkegaard sets about halving the coconut.

Can I help? asks Terence.

No! says Kierkegaard. Keep away. Bits of coconut might fly off at random.

Terence sits down next to Baby Pierre.

Was Arthur with you? asks Vello.

I didn't see him, says Kierkegaard.

Never mind, says Vello. Terence took his part as the Grand Inquisitor.

I'm sorry I missed that, says Kierkegaard, sawing away at the coconut.

I was good, says Terence. I looked surprised.

Kierkegaard looks surprised.

See HIS face? says Baby Pierre. That's how you look surprised.

I was doing that, says Terence.

You always look the same, says Baby Pierre. Because you're a statue.

No I don't, says Terence. How do I look then?

Like a baby, says Baby Pierre.

I'm a kid, says Terence. Not a baby.

But you look like a baby, says Baby Pierre. 

Terence has not felt like a baby for ages. Not since he fell from the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona.  

Never mind, says Baby Pierre. You make a good Earthquake.

YOU don't, says Terence.

You should work on expanding the part, says Baby Pierre. Maybe a song at the end.

Can't, says Terence. The end is the coconuts.

But Baby Pierre has sparked an idea.

Terence begins to think up an Earthquake-Coconut Song, to end this year's play.

What do coconuts sound like?

Crack! Kierkegaard succeeds in splitting the coconut.

Sluuursh ! A watery liquid pours out.

Watch my floor! cries Vello.

Kerlop-kerlop ! Kierkegaard tries out the coconuts. 

Surprised Face

Now me! cries Terence. What do I say?

You don't say anything, says Vello. You come in. You are surprised.

Okay, says Terence.

He clambers over the dead body of David.

Look surprised! says Vello.

Not yet, says Terence.

Yes, says Vello. You come in, expecting to see only the lady Cunégonde. Saturday night is your night alone with her.

He doesn't need to know that, says Belle.

No he doesn't, says Vello. Forget that, Terence.

What? asks Terence. 

Vello, says Gaius. You've confused him.

Let me, says Sweezus. Hey little buddy. All you have to do is, walk to this spot here. And look heaps surprised.

No, says Vello. He should look surprised as soon as he sees the dead body. He's already clambered over it as if it was an inanimate object.

Which it is, says Gaius, Strictly speaking.

Don't worry, says Terence. I'll look surprised every time I see anyone.

Good thinking, says Sweezus.

Terence steps forward. He makes a surprised face. Climbs over David. He sees Belle. He makes a surprised face. He sees Sweezus draw his pretend sword again, and thrust it towards him. Now he is really surprised.

Fall back, says Sweezus. 

Where? asks Terence.

Next to Don Issachar, says Sweezus.

Terence falls back heavily onto Don Issachar.

Get off! says Don Issachar.

Am I dead yet? asks Terence.

Yes, says Sweezus. I ran you through. Now you just lie there. But first, roll off Don Issachar.

Terence has tried his best to play the Grand Inquisitor. He has made two surprised faces and one real one, and died. 

How did I go? asks Terence.

Not bad at all, says Sweezus. 

Terrible, cement face! says Baby Pierre.

Thrust And Plunge!

Kierkegaard goes off to the Central Market, to look for a coconut.

He thinks about what has just happened.

Part of him wants Gaius to go to New Zealand. A natural wish for a stand-in.

But part of him wants to go to New Zealand as well.

However, we shall leave him to search for the coconut.

And return to the rehearsal.

Right, says Vello. If we're going to do this we need someone to play Don Issachar.

I will, says David. My part as Pangloss is finished.

And someone to play the Grand Inquisitor, says Vello. Where is Arthur?

Gone to help Kierko look for a coconut, says Sweezus.

It doesn't take two to look for a coconut, says Vello.

It might, says David. They are quite unobtrusive.

Ha ha, laughs Vello. Right then. Who's doing nothing?

ME! says Terence.

It won't do for you to play the Grand Inquisitor, says Vello.

No! says Belle. You wouldn't like it. Candide has to run you through with a sword.

We could just pretend, says Terence.

We would pretend anyway, says Vello.

Okay, says Terence.

All right, just until Arthur comes back, says Vello. But stay where you are. You don't get killed first.

I do, says David. Now, to get things straight before I enter. Am I Jewish?

I suppose so, says Vello. Why not?

Modern sensibilities, says David. 

Phoo! to modern sensibilities, says Vello. You will be Jewish. 

I won't make a big thing of it, says David.

You already have, says Vello. Now enter, say your piece and meet your maker.

Wait, says Captain Baudin. Let me introduce him:

Issachar was the most excitable Hebrew that had been seen in Israel since the Babylonian captivity, announces Captain Baudin.

There, that should defuse the situation, says Vello. Cue David!

David enters looking excitable.

You Galilean bitch! shouts David. Not satisfied with me and the Grand Inquisitor, this rogue must be given a share as well!

He draws a long pretend dagger. 

Sweezus leaps up, and draws a long pretend sword.

Thrust and plunge!

Don Issachar is as dead as a doornail.

Two Killings And Coconuts

The rehearsal continues.

The Old Woman sprinkles the lovers with imaginary rose water, and withdraws.

Candide tells Cunégonde his story. 

She tells him hers.

They embrace, and have supper.

Very nice, says Vello. 

Are you ending it here? asks Gaius.

What does everyone think? asks Vello.

I would be grateful, says Gaius. I've just  heard that the New Zealand Travel Bubble is restored.

But this is just the rehearsal! says Vello. You're committed to perform on the day!

I have a stand-in, says Gaius. I could leave immediately.

Why are you going to New Zealand? asks Vello.

Let me guess, says David. To save the kakapo.

How did you know? asks Gaius. 

I saw your notes, says David. You'd written Kakapo: pop 209 or 147.

How mysterious, says Belle. 209 or 147?

Indeed, says Gaius. Any natural historian would be intrigued by those figures.

Well, says Vello. You can't leave yet. We're going to continue.

I thought you wanted everyone's opinion? says Kobo.

Me too, says Terence.

What is your opinion? asks Vello.

Another Earthquake! says Terence.

Not YOUR opinion, says Vello.

It's romantic, says Kobo. But what's the alternative?

We forge ahead with two killings and an escape on horseback, says Vello.

Cool! says Sweezus. I know this.

We all do, says Belle. But papa, how will we make an escape on horseback?

Off stage, says Vello. With coconuts.

Thank goodness, says Ageless, thinking of his beloved left buttock.

Outright Outrageous

May I say something? asks Ageless's left buttock.

Spit it out, says Vello.

That's no way to address my beloved, says Ageless.

Speak, buttock, says Vello.

I'm speaking as myself, not Ageless's left buttock, says Kobo.

Then it can wait, says Vello.

I'll be brief, says Kobo.

Ha ha, laughs Vello. Brief!

Don't you think, says Kobo, that these days, that line suggests victim abuse?

Which one? asks Vello. Spit it out? Speak buttock? Or Brief?

People don't always die of ravishment, and disembowelling, says Kobo. These are NOT merely mishaps.

That's the POINT!, says Vello. It's a satirical comedy.

I don't find it funny, says Kobo.

Let me intervene, says Kierkegaard. I too was shocked, until I saw the funny side.

The funny side! says Kobo.

Perhaps you don't see the funny side, beloved, says Ageless, because you identify too much with your role as a buttock. 

So! You think your missing right buttock is the funny side? says Kobo. And I am the side with no sense of humour?

I assure you I don't think anything of that nature, says Ageless.

What IS a buttock? asks Terence.

A daddy cow, says Baby Pierre.

This is patently wrong, and even Terence doesn't believe it.

It's half a bottom, says Belle. The Old Woman had half her bottom cut off so that soldiers could eat it.

Yuck! says Terence.

A long time ago, says Belle. When she was younger.

What do you think Belle? asks Kobo. Are you upset by speaking those lines? Do you find ravishment and disembowelling funny?

If I know papa, says Belle, he included disembowelling to make it seem really outrageous. Of course no one can survive disembowelling. That's why it's funny. Cunégonde only has a wound in her left thigh. 

I still feel uncomfortable, says Kobo. What about the ravishment?

You may withdraw if you wish, says Vello. Baby Pierre can play the Old Woman's left buttock.

No WAY, says Baby Pierre.

No way, agrees Ageless.

Some things are not only outrageous, but outright disgusting.

The Lonely Maison

The next scene is the one Belle is in, in her shimmering costume.

She draws the blue dotted veil over her face.

Ready? says Vello. Now the Old Woman brings Candide to a lonely house with a moat around it.

Do you want me to announce that? asks Captain Baudin.

If you wish, says Vello. 

A lonely maison, says Captain Baudin. Avec un moat.

Excellent, says Vello. Brief and informative. 

Ageless leads Sweezus to the lonely maison. They mime stepping over un moat.

Wait, says Captain Baudin. One doesn't just step over un moat. A drawbridge is required.

Yay! says Terence. Can I....?

What? asks Vello. You want to be a drawbridge? You're far too short. And we don't need to make too much of the drawbridge.

We could ditch the drawbridge, says David. It's not even part of the story.

Good thinking, says Vello. Efficient.

Terence is not convinced that the drawbridge should be done away with.

He goes and sits next to Baby Pierre who is pulling his socks on.

I wasn't going to BE it, says Terence. I was going to BRING it.

Where from? asks Baby Pierre.

The mast, says Terence. It's in three parts remember?

Is it made yet? asks Baby Pierre.

Not yet, says Terence. It's still in three parts.

But they're meant to be lashed together, says Baby Pierre.

They will be, says Terence.

But after the storm they won't be, says Baby Pierre. The mast breaks into three parts.

Like it is now, says Terence. So we can use one part for a drawbridge.

Okay, says Baby Pierre.

They find one of the cardboard planks, and place it in front of the lonely maison.

The Old Woman and Candide are already inside.

The Old Woman leads the shimmering Cunégonde forward.

Cunégonde lifts her veil.

It's her! Candide can't believe it. Hadn't she been ravished and disembowelled, as Pangloss had assured him?

I was indeed, says Cunégonde. But people don't always die of those mishaps.

A sharp intake of breath is heard.

It may have come from the Old Woman's left buttock.

The Shimmering

Kobo has come adrift from Ageless.

Sorry, says Kobo, I was attempting to reposition myself.

All right, says Vello. Belle, will you re-tie her? To Ageless's left, this time.

Someone else will have to do it , says Belle. I'm in the next scene, and I want to get into my costume.

I'll do it, says David.

May I assist you? asks Kierkegaard. I could place my finger somewhere.

No thank you, says Kobo.

I'm sure I can manage, says David.

He lifts Kobo onto Ageless's back, adjusting the ribbon. 

How does that look? asks Ageless.

Better, says Vello, But a skirt would be an improvement.

I like the bow, says Kobo.

The problem is, you look like a contusion, says Vello. If you were covered, you'd look more like a left buttock.

Belle comes out in her costume.

A shimmering green dress, with a blue dotted veil. 

Mama mia! says Sweezus. That's cool!

Thanks, says Belle. Last year's costume looked a bit tired, so I made a new one.

Lovely, says David.

Is there any fabric left over? asks Kobo.

The Old Woman can't wear a skirt made of the same fabric as Cunégonde, says Vello.

I suppose not, says Kobo. 

Shall we get on with it? asks David.

Yeah, come on, says Sweezus. Where were we? I stagger away, trembling, the Old Woman appears and says: Pull yourself together.

Pull yourself together young man, and follow me, says Ageless.

Careful, Ageless, says Kobo. Don't move too fast.

Fear not, beloved, says Ageless. You're my priority.

Is it right that the Old Woman should speak to her buttock? asks Captain Baudin.

I'm sure some Old Women do that, says Vello. 

But would they call it beloved? asks Captain Baudin.

Ageless was only trying to reassure me, says Kobo. 

Very well, says Vello. Continue to the Old Woman's hovel.

Where is the hovel? asks Ageless.

This upturned table will do, says Vello. Perhaps we could drape it.

Ageless and Sweezus walk slowly around the office and stop at the upturned table.

Rest here, says Ageless. I'll bring you some ointment for your wounds, and something to eat.  

Why are you so kind to me? asks Sweezus. How can I thank you?

No need, says Ageless. Sleep now, and in the morning, a surprise awaits you.

BOOM! CRASH! HEY! says Terence.

It won't be an earthquake, says Belle.

She Comes Apart

Gaius re-enters the office, with a basket.

Ageless is half way up the stairs, says Gaius. 

Tell him to get a move on, says Vello.

He's getting a move on, now he's been relieved of his basket, says Gaius.

Is it his lunch? asks Vello.

Not his lunch! says someone from the depths of the basket.

It's Kobo, says Gaius. His beloved. He's brought her. I don't know what for.

Put her down in the corner, says Vello.

A scraping noise is heard on the stairs.

Ageless appears, in the doorway.

Where is my beloved?

In the corner, says Gaius. 

I need her, says Ageless. 

We need YOU, says Vello. Your scene is next. Did you bring a costume?

She is my costume, says Ageless.

Remind me, says Vello. What is she?

A fossilised clam, says Gaius. It will be interesting to see her transformed into a costume.

A sash will suffice, says Ageless.

Get me out, says Kobo. And I'll speak for myself.

Gaius lifts Kobo out of the basket, and places her on the floor in front of the table.

I've agreed to play the Old Woman's left buttock, says Kobo. 

Very nice, says David. 

Was it the left one? asks Vello. Just check that.

Captain Baudin flicks though a few pages of Vello's old copy.

It is not mentioned, says Captain Baudin.

Fine, says Vello. We don't want to get picked up on small details.

I'm sure no one will remember, says David.

As I must be one or the other, I'll be the left one, says Kobo. Now tie me on.

I'm ready, beloved, says Ageless. 

Belle, says Vello. Do we have something to use for a sash?

Here, says Belle, selecting a royal blue ribbon.

She lifts Kobo onto Ageless's back, wraps the sash around both of them and secures it with a discreet little bow.

Unless I'm mistaken, says Kobo, I'm too centred.

You are not mistaken, beloved, says Ageless. I feel the same.

He wiggles his carapace.

Kobo remains in the middle. 

Belle's bow is too good.

Never mind! says Vello. Fix it next time. It's of minor importance.

Kobo remains quiet but she can't see how it's of minor importance. 

Ready, says Sweezus. 

He starts to stagger away.

Ageless waddles towards him, with Kobo secured by the bow.

Pull yourself together young man....begins Ageless.

Kobo makes an effort to shift to the left.

Sweezus turns, in time to see the Old Woman coming apart.

Mark Of The Claw

Terence has painted upside down flames, on Sweezus's costume.

Now for the devils.

I'll do the devils, says Belle. 

I'll do mine! says Baby Pierre.

Do you think you can do them? asks Belle.

I know all about claws, says Baby Pierre.

Of course, says Belle. You bear the Mark of the Claw. 

But you can't see it, loser, says Terence. It's on top of your head.

Ever heard of mirrors? says Baby Pierre.

And anyway, says Terence, I have my own claw.

I forgot you had that! says Belle. 

It's only a bird claw, says Baby Pierre.

Yours is only a lobster claw, says Terence.

Not ONLY, says Baby Pierre.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. Remember when you thought Ageless was your daddy?

That was a long time ago, says Baby Pierre.

Earthquake! calls Vello.

Terence, give me your paintbrush, says Belle. The Earthquake is you.

And me, says Baby Pierre. Wait! I don't have my socks on!

Terence doesn't wait for Baby Pierre to get his socks on.

He runs to the auto-da-fé.

Sweezus staggers to the front of the upturned table, having been flogged behind it, for technical reasons.

Cue, Terence! says Vello.

Terence dances in front of Sweezus. HEY! Another Earthquake is coming. The plan didn't work! HEY for the CLAW! HEY! HEY! HEY!

What CLAW? asks Vello. 

All The CLAWS! cries Terence. This one! ( he waves his claw finger) That one! And Ageless!

Ageless! says Vello. Is he here yet? He's in the next scene.

Not yet, says Gaius. I'll look downstairs.

Terence can't say all that claw stuff, says Sweezus. 

No he can't, says Vello. It interrupts the flow. Go on with your monologue.

Okay, says Sweezus. If this is the best of all possible worlds, what can the rest be like? Pangloss, the greatest of philosophers, has been hanged. The best of men, my dear Anabaptist, is drowned. And as for the beautiful Lady Cunégonde, pearl amongst women, was it really necessary for her to be disembowelled?

Now? asks Terence.

Yes, now, says Vello. But no CLAW references. Just rumblings, as our hero staggers away.

Rumble BUMBLE, says Terence.

You can tell that his heart is not in it.

Magical Punishments

No one wins until the end of the play, says Vello.

And this is an extract, says David.

What's an extract? asks Terence.

Teeth out, whispers Baby Pierre.

Now, says Vello. Cut to the following week. 

The following week, says Captain Baudin, there is to be an auto-da-fé.  

Can I drive it? asks Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Vello. Terence thinks it's a vehicle.

Don't laugh at him, says Belle. He wasn't to know.

Well, what is it? asks Terence.

It's cool, says Sweezus. Doctor Pangloss and me have to come out wearing paper costumes painted with magical signs. Mine has upside down flames and devils without claws or tails. His devils have claws and tails, and his flames are upright. Guess what that means?

Yours isn't finished, says Terence.

Upside down flames, says Baby Pierre. That's a mistake.

No, says Sweezus. That shows what our punishments will be. I get a flogging, and Pangloss gets burned at the stake.

That's not fair, says Terence.

Yes it is, says Sweezus, because I was only listening. He was doing the talking.

Come on, says Vello. Belle, do we have the costumes?

Not yet, says Belle. I've cut out the pieces but I haven't finished the painting. Who wants to help me?

Me, says Terence.

And me, says Baby Pierre.

Good, says Vello. Now the question is, how do we do this on stage?

We come on in our paper costumes, says David. There's a moving sermon, followed by beautiful music. 

Who's doing the sermon? asks Vello. 

I'm not busy, says Arthur. 

Borrow my cloak, says Kierkegaard.

Arthur borrows the cloak.

My fellow survivors, says Arthur, thirty thousand of us have perished. Three quarters of Lisbon is destroyed. The only way to prevent another earthquake from happening is to flog people who listen to people who say that this happens from necessity, and to hang the people who say it.

Burn them, says Baby Pierre.

Hang them, says Arthur. Burning is for those who eat bacon, or marry their godmother.

Well said, Arthur! says Vello. 

Your own words, says Arthur. And you can't burn Doctor Pangloss.

Indeed no, says Doctor Pangloss. I survive to the end. One can survive a hanging, but not a burning with impunity.

This is rubbish, whispers Baby Pierre. 

It's just an extraction, says Terence. Let's get painting.

The Sad Dinner

Scene change, says Vello. Where's the Narrator?

Here, says Captain Baudin. What is the scene change?

It's the next day, says Vello. Our heroes have been creeping around in the ruins. They have helped various people, and are now sitting down to a dinner.

A dinner? says Captain Baudin. Where does that come from?

Some citizens of Lisbon have scraped it together, says Vello. It's a sad sort of dinner.

Very well, says Captain Baudin. 

Are we at this dinner? asks Kierkegaard.

What? says Gaius. Where are we up to?

The sad dinner, says Kierkegaard. 

Then, yes, says Gaius. My apologies. I was checking the latest news regarding travel to New Zealand. 

Have they opened the borders? asks David.

It seems they did, but now Auckland is in lockdown, says Gaius. Lucky I didn't go.

Very lucky, says Vello. Because you are in this scene. 

Excellent, says Gaius. Where are we sitting?

Next to Pangloss, says Vello. 

Of course, says Gaius. The disputation.

Where am I? asks Terence.

And me? asks Baby Pierre.

Your parts are finished, says Belle, but you could be two extras, at the sad dinner.

Yes, says Vello. Wonderful idea. Two extras at the sad dinner. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. We need extras. Otherwise it looks like it's just us having dinner.

With two members of the Inquisition, says Arthur.

All right, all right, says Vello. Everyone ready?

Everyone sits on the floor, around the upturned table, looking sad.

Wah! says Terence.

Don't overdo it, says Vello. Cue, David.

Things could not be otherwise, says David/Doctor Pangloss. Because everything that happens is for the best.

No one says anything.

Cue Gaius! says Vello.

Sorry, says Gaius. Ahem! It appears, sir, that you do not believe in the fall of man and eternal punishment.

I beg your pardon, says Doctor Pangloss, but the fall of man and eternal punishment are a necessary part of the best of all possible words.

So you don't believe in Free Will? says Gaius.

Free Will is consistent with Absolute Necessity, says Pangloss. For it was ordained that we should be free. And the Will is Determined....

Gaius nods to Kierkegaard, who has been following the argument with interest.

Yes? says Kierkegaard. It's a fair point, don't you think.

No. Arrest him, says Gaius. And him too.

Me? asks Sweezus.

You, says Gaius. 

What did he do? asks Terence.

He wasn't doing it, says Vello. He was supposed to be be looking at Pangloss with an air of approval.

So who's winning? asks Terence. 

It's Hard Being Rubble

What happens next? asks Sweezus. 

Splinters and rubble, says Vello.

Yay! says Terence. We're ready.

We don't have rubble, says Baby Pierre.

But I see you have splinters, says Belle. 

We made them, says Terence.

Let's see, says Sweezus. Cardboard splinters. Are you going to throw them at me or what?

They won't penetrate, says Arthur. 

They WILL! says Terence. 

Sweezus looks sceptical. 

Promise, says Terence.

Sweezus looks suspicious.

He grabs at a splinter, and discovers the needle.

No way, little buddy, says Sweezus. 

Is that one of my needles? asks Belle.

Yes, says Terence. We were going to tell you.

Bet you weren't, says Arthur.

I'm not made of cement like you, says Sweezus, and I'm not a pebble like Baby Pierre. 

They need a lesson in empathy, says Kierkegaard.

No time for that now! says Vello. The cardboard will suffice, without the needles. All we need is some rubble. 

Rubble, says David. What is rubble if not pebbles?

Me? says Baby Pierre. I'm not being a rubble.

Just for the rehearsal, says Vello. But first take off those socks.

Baby Pierre feels hard done by. Being a rubble. Not wearing the socks.

Sweezus collapses, grasping the splinters. Baby Pierre climbs on top.

Fetch me some wine and oil, cries Sweezus. I'm dying!

This Earthquake is nothing new, says David/Doctor Pangloss. There was one in Lima last year. There is a vein of sulphur running under the earth between Lima and Lisbon.

Nothing's more likely, cries Sweezus. But oil and wine, for pity's sake!

Likely! says Pangloss. It is PROVED!

Are we getting the wine and oil soon? asks the Rubble. 

You don't talk, hisses Sweezus.

Just asking, says the Rubble. What do we want it for anyway?

Dunno, says Sweezus. But I faint now, and Pangloss brings me some water. 

Empathy, somewhat belated, says Kierkegaard.

We Need Needles

No splinters yet, says Vello. Wait till the Sailor runs off.

And comes back drunk, having looted some money, says David.

Okay, says Arthur. I run off, Now I'm back, confront me.

This will never do, my friend, says David/Doctor Pangloss. You are not obeying the Universal Rule of Reason. 

I'm a Sailor, says Arthur. I was born in Batavia. I've trampled on a crucifix four times in Japan. I...why am I saying this?

Yeah, says Sweezus. No one'll get it.

You're right, says Vello. I don't get it myself. What was I thinking? Ad lib, Arthur.

Don't tell me what to do! says Arthur. I'm a Sailor.

A Sailor is used to obeying orders, says Captain Baudin.

I'm not the man for your Universal Reason! says Arthur.

Excellent! says Vello

Meanwhile Terence and Baby Pierre are looking for splinters.

Luckily, there are splinters at hand.

Belle has been cutting up cardboard boxes, for the plank-mast.

There are long cardboard shavings on the floor. Some are pointy.

Terence picks up a few.

Woosh! Woosh! he shoots them towards Sweezus, for whom they are destined.

Flutter-flutter. They drift to the ground.

They need stiffening, with something  really sharp, says Baby Pierre.

Yes! says Terence. We need needles!

It's fortunate Belle is not listening. She would never approve this.

Terence picks out three sharp needles from Belle's sewing basket.

And inserts them into the splinters.

Splinters

Let me see your mast design, says Belle.

Here, says Kierkegaard. 

Very neat, says Belle. Three planks bound together with ropes.

Of course, they don't have to be ropes, says Kierkegaard.

No, we don't have any ropes, says Belle. But we've got plenty of string.

Yeah, in the drawer, says Sweezus.

And they don't have to be planks, says Kierkegaard.

Just as well, says Belle. We don't have planks either. We'll cut up some boxes.

Can I do it? asks Terence.

No, says Belle.

So me and Pangloss are clinging to a piece of cardboard, says Sweezus. And the Sailor is swimming.

Yes, says Vello. The Sailor is swimming. Arthur, that's you.

Which way is Lisbon? asks Arthur.

That way, says Vello. No wait. A quick scene change. Gaius, help me move the table.

If it's to represent Lisbon, it should be upended, says Gaius.

Not till they get there, says Vello. That's when the earthquake starts. 

Me! cries Terence.

Yes, you, says Vello. 

Crash bang HEY! Watch out people! sings Terence.

Whirlwinds of fire and ashes! says Captain Baudin.

What? says Terence.

Houses collapse, roofs topple, foundations crumble, says Captain Baudin.

Excellent intervention, says Vello. 

Your own words, says Captain Baudin.

It's not fair! says Terence.

It's okay, Terence, says Belle. He's describing the effect of your actions.

And mine! says Baby Pierre. 

Baby Pierre has now got his new socks on. 

He dances round Terence, shouting HEY!

Shut up! says Terence. You're just the stand-in.

No, says Vello. It's better with two of you. 

Yes it is, says David. Double the drama.

Double the comedy, says Vello.

Don't I get injured by splinters? asks Sweezus.

Yay! That's my next job! cries Terence. 

Kierko's Design

Vello helps Arthur up, falls backwards (as predicted) then rolls forward, off the table.

That's me done, says Vello. And not a moment too soon. Now David, aren't you meant to be observing this from the poop deck? And you, Sweezus.

Not enough room, says David.

That's why we added the desk, says Vello. Stand on that.

I'll clear the coffee cups, says Belle. Terence, you can help me.

What about my socks? asks Baby Pierre.

Shall I do them? asks Gaius

NO! says Belle. How about you and Kierkegaard try your hand at designing the mast. 

Yes! says Kierkegaard. A mast. Let's put our heads together, Gaius.

I'll find some paper, and a pencil, says Gaius.

Two papers and two pencils, says Kierkegaard.

Should be some in that drawer, says Sweezus.

He climbs onto the desk. David climbs up beside him.

Uhh! says David. One of those little steps would be handy.

I'll find one, says Belle. 

Right, says Vello. Action!

Shit! says Sweezus, The Anabaptist fell into the water! Where is he? There! Shit! He's gone under! I must try to save him!

That's good, says Vello. But  you need to work on your facial expressions.

What's wrong with my facial expressions? asks Sweezus. 

You don't look distraught enough, says Vello. Imagine it's me that's gone under.

Sweezus looks distraught.

Only Arthur has any idea of the reason.

Good, says Vello. Continue. Cue, Doctor Pangloss.

Don't even think of it, my impetuous friend, says David/Doctor Pangloss. I shall prove to you from first principles that Lisbon Harbour was made on purpose for this Anabaptist to drown here.

Hee hee! titters Vello. That argument never fails to amuse me.

We know, says David. Now at this point the ship splits in two. Which bit are we on?

It doesn't matter, says Vello. You fall in, along with the sailor. He swims to shore while you and Candide cling to a plank.

A plank? says David. Gaius, a plank is needed!

Someone should have said! says Gaius. I would have designed the mast out of planks. It would then split asunder quite neatly,

My mast does that, says Kierkegaard.

Excellent, says Vello. We'll use your design, Kierko.

Never mind, says Captain Baudin, seeing Gaius look momentarily dejected. 

A real mast would never be made out of planks.

Seeming To Dangle

Where are Sweezus and Arthur? grumbles Vello. We can't rehearse properly without them.

I think I hear them coming up the stairs, says Belle. 

Typical, says Vello. Just in time for the coffee and biscuits.

Sweezus and Arthur come in through the door.

They are both wearing new board shorts.

Sorry we're late boss, says Sweezus, taking a biscuit.

Are there any chocolate ones?

Not any more, says Vello, We began the rehearsal without you, Belle took Arthur's place, and knocked me off the table.

And that means no chocolate biscuits? says Sweezus.

It follows a logical progression, says Vello.

It does, says David. His backside hurt, he felt sorry for himself, he called a coffee break and ate all the chocolate biscuits.

Belle knocked you off the table? says Arthur. That wasn't right.

It wasn't, says Belle. We're all hoping that you'll do it better.

I will, says Arthur. Let's get started.

Why the hurry? asks Vello. No, don't tell me. All right, I'll get up on the table. 

Don't knock over the coffees, says Belle. Some of us haven't finished.

Vello and Arthur are now on the table.

Can I sing now? asks Terence.

Just pretend to, says Belle. They might need to talk to one another.

Right, says Vello. We do. Arthur, a violent blow from behind, to lay me flat on the poop deck. Then you...

I know, says Arthur. I lose my balance and end up dangling over the side. You rescue me but your strenuous efforts result in you falling into the sea. I ignore you, and you perish.

Very good! I see you've read up on it, says Vello.

May I stick my oar in? says Captain Baudin.

Go ahead, says Vello. 

If you, (the Anabaptist), are pulling Arthur (the Sailor) back on board, wouldn't you, if anything, fall backwards onto the deck. How do you end up in the sea?

Good point, says Vello. I suppose I'll have to roll to the side and fall in.

Up and over? asks Captain Baudin.

Through the breach, says Vello. The very breach that the mast made when it fell, and through which the sailor was dangling.

I see, says Captain Baudin. That's plausible. But I think I should explain it in my narration.

No, says Vello. You should not. Arthur and I will perform it, and it will be obvious.

As long as there's a mast, says Captain Baudin.

There'll be one, says Belle.

Ready? says Arthur.

Ready, says Vello.

Arthur performs a karate move from behind, Vello loses his balance but Arthur has hold of his shirt so Vello does not fall off the table but ends up flat on the poop deck. Arthur then does a forward roll. If the table were higher, Arthur would be left dangling, As it is, he sits on the floor, arms up behind him, in a semblance of dangling.

This is why we need rehearsals.

Show No Fear

Captain Baudin begins his narration:

On board ship,

A nuit dark and orageuse.

Near le Port de Lisbon

Trois passengers, showing no fear.

Nice touch, says Vello. Showing no fear. Note that, David.

My character never shows fear, says David. He's the ultimate optimist.

I know he is, says Vello. And I, as an Anabaptist, am a resolute type of person.

What then? says David.

Sweezus, says Vello. He might be tempted to ham it up a little.

Good point, says David. 

May I continue? asks Captin Baudin.

Le vessel pitches and tosses, les sails are torn,  

Les masts are broken and le ship is splitting.

Hey! says Terence. I'm supposed to be making that happen.

He dances in front of Captain Baudin.

D'accord, says Captain Baudin. Dancing yes, but no singing until my narration has finished.

Okay, says Terence. 

His feet make loud crashing sounds on the office floor.

Stop! says Belle. Put your socks on.

Are they ready? asks Terence.

Yes, ready, says Belle.

Terence looks at her sewing job.

She has closed the heels neatly, but that is not all. She has sewn yellow ribbons dotted with silver sequins into the seam, so that the ribbons will stream out behind Terence, when he is dancing. 

Yay! says Terence. Lightning bolts coming out from behind me!

He pulls on the socks.

Will mine be the same? asks Baby Pierre.

Yes, but smaller, says Belle.

Terence dances backwards and forwards, in his lightning bolt socks.

Careful when you dance backwards, says Belle. 

May I continue? asks Captain Baudin.

Yes, continue, says Vello. But as you've introduced us, should we be on the table?

As you wish, says Captain Baudin.

Ooh! says Vello, climbing onto the table.

David climbs on as well. 

There's not much room for Candide and the Sailor, says David.

Bring the desk over, says Belle. It'll give you more room, and also, make it easy for splitting.

An excellent idea, says Vello. Trust you to come up with it, my dear. Is it time for a coffee? Are there any chocolate biscuits? 

Captain Baudin sighs. 

He has many more lines to deliver.

And he doesn't like biscuits.

Vertical Crack!

Next morning, in the Velosophy office.

Vello stands on a table.

Shake the table, says Vello.

David lifts up one end.

Vello wobbles.

Not too much! says Vello. Where is Arthur?

Not here yet, says Belle. Shall I take his part?

Yes, says Vello. Strike me excitedly.

Belle gets up on the table and strikes Vello from behind.

He tumbles off the table.

Are you all right? asks Belle.

I'm supposed to be flat out on the poop deck, says Vello. Not in the sea.

I know, says Belle. I'm sure Arthur will be better at it.

Enter Gaius and Kierkegaard in their black cloaks, followed by Terence in his badly tacked socks, and Baby Pierre, who is not wearing his costume, because it was a failure.

Greetings, says Gaius. I see you're already hard at it.

Yes, says David. We're having to do without Arthur. He and Sweezus are late.

Where's our Narrator? asks Vello.

Coming up the stairs, says Gaius. You know how difficult it is for a lobster.

David goes out to help Captain Baudin up the stairs.

What's happened to Terence's socks? asks Belle. Why are they gaping?

Gaius cut the heels off, says Terence.

An unfortunate failure, says Gaius. 

Never mind, says Belle. I'll fix them. What terrible tacking! And what have you done with the heels?

Here, says Gaius. I tried to fashion these small socks for Baby Pierre, but he doesn't like them.

Tube socks! says Baby Pierre. 

I see, says Belle. I'll see what I can do to make them more sock-like.

They need heels, says Baby Pierre.

No they don't! says Terence. Mine don't have heels now. And you're my stand-in.

He can't be your stand-in! cries Vello. He's a pebble!

He knows all the songs, says Terence. And he made up a new one: 

Vertical crack! Vertical crack! Don't call me dip-slip! I'm a vertical crack! sings Terence.

I say, says David, coming in with Captain Baudin. That's rather jolly!

Bonjour tout le monde! says Captain Baudin. Sorry to be late. Shall we get started?

The sooner the better, says Vello. Do you plan to talk over the Storm and Earthquake or would you like silence?

Silence, says Captain Baudin.

Everyone is silent except for the sound of  Belle's needle pushing through Terence's socks, and David, looking in the cupboard for biscuits, and Vello, rubbing his vertical crack, which may have been injured when he fell off the table. Let's hope not. 

Perfectly Orageuse

Socks off! says Gaius, coming in with the scissors.

Terence complies.

Gaius starts snipping through the heels of the socks.

Careful! says Terence.

I'm always careful, says Gaius.

Ageless comes over.

Look what's happening, says Terence. I'm not happy.

What's going on? asks Ageless.

I'm getting a costume, says Baby Pierre. It's going to be made out of Terence's socks.

Are you in the play now? asks Ageless.

As a stand-in, says Baby Pierre. 

Ha ha, laughs Ageless. Socks for the stand-in.

Gaius laughs too. He and Ageless have similar senses of humour.

Done! says Gaius.

I could do with a stand-in, says Ageless.

He has just thought of this.

He says it again, louder, so Kobo will hear him.

Kobo is helping Captain Baudin.

Kobo: It was a dark and stormy night.

Captain Baudin: I like it.

Kobo: But do you get the sub-text?

Captain Baudin: There's a sub-text?

Kobo. Yes, Snoopy used to say it. But if you don't get it...

Captain Baudin: What if I say this? It was a DARK and ORAGEUSE night.

Kobo: Orageuse? Yes, that's perfect.

It is now she hears Ageless saying he could do with a stand-in.

She is diverted.

Ageless! I'll be your stand-in.

Beloved! cries Ageless. You will make the perfect Old Woman. And you won't need a costume.

Enough of that! says Kobo. If you have a costume, your stand-in must wear the same costume.

Hear that, dip-slip! says Terence. 

I'm not wearing the tee shirt, says Baby Pierre.

Quite right too, says Ageless. You don't want to cover the Mark of the Claw.

Did you call him a dip-slip? asks Gaius, who is now tacking the heels of Terence's socks.

Yes it's an Earthquake word, says Terence. It's going to be in my song. Listen. 

He starts dancing.

Watch out people a dip-slip is coming! You're falling in and drowning. HEY!

Are you sure you know what a dip-slip is? asks Gaius.

Yes! dances Terence. 

A dip-slip fault is an inclined fracture where the blocks have slipped vertically, says Gaius.

Yes, dances Terence, not really taking this in.

Crackbrain Dip-slip

They are all back inside now, except for the red-back.

I'm going to work on my song, says Terence. Want to help me?

No, says Baby Pierre.

You can be my stand-in, says Terence. I'm having a costume.

Would I have to wear it? asks Baby Pierre. 

Only when I can't be in it, says Terence. 

What's it like? asks Baby Pierre.

A black and yellow and purple tee shirt, and these socks, says Terence.

I would only wear the socks, says Baby Pierre.

Why not the tee shirt? asks Terence. There'll be lightning on it, that's the yellow.

I bear the Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre. And I like people to see it.

Terence looks at Baby Pierre, who is a pebble.

He is pebble-shaped for that reason, but has vestigial legs.

Otherwise how could he have been so successful as a Tour de France rider, albeit unregistered?

Who can forget his famous green fluoro-elastane o-rings?

But back to the question of his costume.

Isn't the Mark of the Claw on your head? asks Terence. People could still see it.

Only from above, says Baby Pierre.

And sorry, says Terence, but these socks are too big even for me. They're loose at the back, see?

That's a good thing, says Baby Pierre. Is Belle making the costumes?

She's making mine, says Terence.

Well, says Baby Pierre. Problem solved. We'll ask Belle to snip the heels off, and make me some little socks out of them.

They'll look like cups, says Terence, visualising Baby Pierre in floppy cup socks.

A bit of stitching required, says Gaius, who has been listening. Otherwise it's a wonderful idea. 

But MY socks'll have holes in, says Terence.

They too will require stitching, says Gaius. In fact, if you like, I can do it right now and save Belle the trouble.

He goes off to find scissors.

Terence looks at Baby Pierre, who thought up this idea and is therefore the one whose fault it is that his glorious socks will be ruined.

Dumb crackbrain dip-slip! says Terence.

Stick-slip sucker! says Baby Pierre.

He will make a good stand-in.

Foof!

Don't mind me, says the red-back spider. I'll just wait under there.

She strolls to an old wooden bench next to a table that Gaius rarely uses except when he propagates plants.

Wedges herself into a dark dusty corner, next to a bench leg.

There are other webs there, which is annoying. 

Terence gets on the scooter, and scoots across the pavers, turning sharply at the fence, and colliding with a bin.

Clumsy, observes the red-back spider.

Loser, laughs Baby Pierre.

Terence gets up and wheels the scooter back to the table.

Your turn, says Terence, to Baby Pierre.

I'll pass, says Baby Pierre.

Hey! says Terence. Is it really your scooter?

Why are you asking? asks Baby Pierre.

Because you're too short to reach the handlebars, says Terence. So you wouldn't be able to steer it. Unless you had a ladder, But if you were up a ladder, your feet wouldn't reach to the ground so you wouldn't go anywhere.

He's had plenty of accidents, says the red-back. Why do you think I came out and sat over here?

You like accidents, says Terence. 

No I don't like being IN them, says the red-back. I like quietly lurking until something edible comes by.

What comes by under a scooter? asks Terence.

You'd be surprised, says the red-back. I once met a small lizard. When I say met, I mean I injected it with poison, and wrapped it in silk. It lasted for ages.

You should be in our play, says Terence. It's about bad things that happen. 

What's bad about me eating a lizard? asks the red-back. 

Kierkegaard slides the back door open and comes out, in his cloak.

Hello? Have you been scooting?

I crashed, says Terence. We're talking to a spider. She ate a lizard. 

Let me see this spider, says Kierkegaard.

He peers into the dark dusty corner.

I say! Gaius! calls Kierkegaard. A spider with a red back! Is it poisonous?

Let me see, says Gaius, coming out in his cloak.

Indeed. A black widow. The venom is poisonous, but she won't bite you if you just let her be.

Unless you're a lizard, says Baby Pierre. 

This is all very interesting, NOT, says the red-back. Is the scooting over?

Everyone looks at one another.

Yes, it seems that it is.

Gaius replaces the scooter in the corner, beside the back door.

The red-back strolls back to the dark place under the scooter where she had been lurking, and settles.

Foof! What a morning.

The Red-Back Emerges

Terence returns (no longer dancing) to Gaius's back garden.

Hello loser, says Baby Pierre, who is also outside.

Hello loser, says Terence.

Where've you been? asks Baby Pierre.

The Inquisition, says Terence. What's an auto-da-fé?

An electric car, says Baby Pierre.

Could it stop an earthquake? asks Terence.

No way, says Baby Pierre. Or it might be French. In which case it could be a fairy.

How could a car be a fairy? asks Terence.

Not the car, loser, says Baby Pierre. The FAY!

I hope it's a FAY! says Terence. Then it can't stop me.

Ever heard of magic? asks Baby Pierre.

Yes. It's not real, says Terence. Anyway it's just a play. I'm the Storm and Earthquake. Nothing can stop me but WORDS.

The Storm abates, says Baby Pierre.

No it doesn't, says Terence. 

Those are the WORDS, says Baby Pierre. Or the storm is over and the sun comes out from behind the black clouds. And a rainbow.

Too many words, says Terence. Anyway what do you know?

Plenty of words, says Baby Pierre. I go to the library.

Earthquake words? asks Terence.

Rumble, says Baby Pierre.

Have an asparagus, says Terence.

I'm not hungry, says Baby Pierre. Rumble is an earthquake word. So is epicentre and dip-slip.

Dip-slip, says Terence. That's going to be in my song.

Want a go on my scooter? asks Baby Pierre.

Okay, says Terence.

Watch out. There might be a spider under it, says Baby Pierre. Last one was a red-back.

I don't care, says Terence. I'm imperious.

What's that got to do with it? asks Baby Pierre.

It means thick, says Terence. Solid.

Impervious, says Baby Pierre. 

There IS a red-back under the scooter. 

She knows all those words.

She emerges.

Jelly Eye

This is laborious work, grumbles Ageless. 

I'll help you, says Terence.

He chooses a grape. A fat one.

Now what? says Terence.

Squeeze it, says Ageless. 

Terence squeezes. A grape jelly ball squirts into his eye.

It didn't work, says Terence. That one's wasted.

Not necessarily, says Ageless. Allow me to extract it.

He stops squeezing, and advances towards Terence's eye.

Storms don't like people touching their eye! says Terence.

I'm not people, says Ageless.

Or lobsters, says Terence. Or anything with claws.

Extract it yourself then, says Ageless.

It's falling out anyway, says Terence. Look. It fell into the bowl.

Disaster! says Ageless. My beloved won't want to sample it now.

Gaius and Kierkegaard enter the kitchen, with shopping bags.

What's this? asks Gaius.

We're making a red drink, says Terence. But my eye fell in.

It wasn't his eye, says Ageless. Just a grape jelly. But I'm thinking of starting again.

Let me see, says Gaius. 

Ageless, Terence and Gaius peer into the bowl, which is one quarter full of a mixture of dark purple skins, grey seeds and greenish grape jelly balls.

Hey! says Terence. It's not even red!

So the project is abandoned, and no one is bothered.

How did the shopping go? asks Ageless.

We bought two black cloaks, says Kierkegaard, whipping one out of a shopping bag, and putting it on.

Gaius puts his on as well.

Here comes the Inquisition, says Ageless. Good costumes.

What's an Inquisition? asks Terence.

When men in black cloaks ask you questions, says Ageless. 

And you must answer correctly, says Kierkegaard. Otherwise it's an auto-da-fé.

What's that? asks Terence.

An infallible way of preventing earthquakes, says Gaius. 

I hardly think so, says Kierkegaard.

Tell that to the people of Lisbon, says Gaius.

They both laugh, because they are grown ups and understand satire, but Terence is alarmed.

With good reason. 

He is the Earthquake.

I Might Put My Feet In

Ageless scrapes his way back inside, with a large bunch of grapes.

He is followed by the Storm and Earthquake.

HAH! cries the Storm and Earthquake. Storms and Earthquakes go where the grapes are going. In case they can have some! HAH!

You can't have any, says Ageless. 

What about the JUICE! cries the Storm and Earthquake.

Kobo looks down from the window sill.

Squeeze the grapes, Ageless, says Kobo. 

Yay! cries the Storm and Earthquake.

I don't think Gaius has a juicer, says Ageless.

He doesn't, says Kobo. Use your claw.

All right, beloved, says Ageless. Will you come down and assist me?

I'm busy helping Nicholas with his part, says Kobo. We'll both be down shortly.

I'll start squeezing, says Ageless. A beautiful draught for my lady. Would you like a bowl of warm soapy water to go with it?

Yuck! says the Storm and Earthquake.

To wash in, explains Ageless. We could both have a soak, if you like.

No way! says the Storm and Earthquake. 

Not you, her, says Ageless. 

I might put my feet in, says the the Storm and Earthquake. 

Maybe after, says Ageless. 

He sets about squeezing the grapes into a bowl that he's found in a cupboard.

Did you hear me singing outside? shouts the Storm and Earthquake.

No, says Kobo. 

Dropped on by rocks says Terence. That's good isn't it?

What's the context? asks Kobo.

It rhymes with socks, says Ageless. 

Nicholas coughs. Can we get on with developing my part?

Of course, says Kobo. No more interruptions. Where were we?

Whether I should deliver a brief précis of the plot, or plunge into the storm scene directly, says Nicholas.

I imagine you know all about storms, says Kobo. I think you should jump in directly.

That's encouraging, says Nicholas. 

Give me some adjectives, says Kobo.

Creamy, delightful, intelligent, supportive... says Nicholas.

In spite of the fact that she had expected a different list of adjectives, Kobo hopes Ageless is listening.