Out Of The Frying Pan Into The Van

The plane lands in Adelaide.

Can we get off now? asks Terence.

Wait till the aisle clears, says Gaius. 

Delilah stands and opens an overhead locker.

She lifts down a small package, and hands it to Gaius.

Is this wise? asks Gaius. We must all go through customs.

It's Roo-kai's instructions, says Delilah. And a small camera.

Hum, says Gaius. And what if I'm questioned?

You'll come up with something, says Delilah.

The crush of passengers starts moving.

The aisle is eventually cleared.

Gaius has had plenty of time to decide what to do with the package.

He gives it to Terence.

Now Terence, says Gaius. If anyone asks you to open this package, say it's a game you've been playing.

What game? asks Terence. 

A spy game, says Gaius. 

YES! says Terence. 

Why don't I get the package? asks Roo-kai.

You might blab, says Terence.

That is not the reason, says Gaius. Roo-kai's the real spy. It wouldn't do for him to be carrying his own instructions.

Then how will I know what to do? asks Roo-kai.

Naturally you will receive the instructions when we're safely through customs, says Gaius. 

They get off the plane, and walk through to customs.

There is a queue. One for the double vaccinated, one for the others.

Curses, says Gaius, joining the queue for the others.

A heavy hand presses down on his back.

He turns. It's Victor the policeman.

Hello Gaius, says Victor. Not vaccinated?

I haven't had time yet, says Gaius. I flew out with an exemption.

Vello, says Victor. I know. He asked me to meet you.

Guess what? says Terence. I've got a spy game.

Very nice, says Victor. I Spy, is it?

No, says Terence. It's INSTRUCTIONS!

You can show me later, says Victor.

No need for that, says Gaius. 

Follow me, says Victor.

Come, Terence and Roo-kai, says Gaius. 

Roo-kai? says Victor. 

Me, says Roo-kai. Before you ask, I'm a parrot, and this is my passport. You may think I look a bit different.

He shows Victor his passport.

I know an oystercatcher when I see one, says Victor.

Dear me, says Gaius. What about the neck ring?

Red food dye, says Victor. An old smugglers' trick. But it's gone salmon coloured. Did you wipe him down with a hot towel or something?

I did it myself, says Roo-kai.

Tch! says Victor. Lucky I'm here. You'd be in all sorts of trouble.

They follow him out to a  police van. 

Victor locks them inside.

Spy Or Trickster

We'll be landing soon, says Delilah. 

Not before time, says Gaius.

It's been a long flight, says Delilah. 

Indeed, says Gaius.

I'd better return to my seat, says Delilah. Will you talk to your parrot?

Ask him to come over, says Gaius.

I trust he will agree, says Delilah.

She crosses the aisle and speaks to Roo-kai, who vacates his seat and crosses the aisle to sit beside Gaius.

Why is Roo-kai in my seat? asks Terence.

Gaius wants to speak to him, says Delilah.

Why? asks Terence.

About a mission, says Delilah. That's all I'm saying. 

About my parrot doing a mission? asks Terence.

Mm, says Delilah. 

Without me, says Terence.

Without you, says Delilah. Because you would blab.

I wouldn't blab, says Terence. 

All right, you wouldn't, says Delilah. But we'll never know.

If I blabbed, says Terence.

That's right, because it's top secret, says Delilah. And you know nothing about it.

Does Gaius? asks Terence.

He does now, says Delilah.

Let us now cross the aisle.

Gaius is telling Roo-kai about the mission.

A ridiculous mission, says Gaius. I hardly know how to explain it.

Try, says Roo-kai.

I have no reason to actually believe her, says Gaius.

About WHAT? asks Roo-kai.

She is an agent of the French government, says Gaius.  

Is she a spy? asks Roo-kai.

Or a trickster, says Gaius. I tend towards the latter.

What does she want? asks Roo-kai.

She wants you to spy on the submarine-building facility in Osborne, says Gaius. Take aerial photos and so on. Steal top secret papers if possible.

Why would I do that? asks Roo-kai.

In return, the French government will not pursue your extradition to Brittany, and my arrest for enabling you to leave France under false pretences, says Gaius. 

She seemed so helpful, says Roo-kai.

She did, says Gaius. Now we find ourselves in this pickle. What do you say?

I'll agree to do it, says Roo-kai. Spy or trickster, what does it matter? It's an activity.

Gaius likes Roo-kai's attitude.

He's a doer. He should get on well with Arthur. 

By the way, says Roo-kai. Terence ate the red wax off the end of his breakfast banana,

Why didn't you stop him? asks Gaius.

I was busy enjoying my omelette, says Roo-kai.

Red Wax For Breakfast

Hot towel, madam? asks the flight attendant.

Thank you, says Delilah.

And you sir? asks the flight attendant.

Me? says Roo-kai. Do parrots usually get them?

It's not often we have a parrot passenger, says the flight attendant. I can't remember.

I'll have one, says Roo-kai.

He is issued a hot towel, which he proceeds to unfold, thereby rapidly losing the hotness.

Here, try mine, says Delilah. It's still has some heat remaining.

You are kind, says Roo-kai. 

He wipes his beak and facial feathers with Delilah's hot towel. 

Very nice. There's still a vestige of heat left. He may as well do his neck and his belly.

He has forgotten the red ring round his neck, that makes him look like a parrot.

Don't do that! warns Delilah. The red may come off on the towel.

Too late! cries Roo-kai, seeing the streaks of red dye on the towel.

No harm done, says Delilah. Give the towel back to me.

Do I still have my red neck ring? asks Roo-kai.

It's salmon-coloured now, says Delilah. But I would not worry.

Nevertheless Roo-kai is worried.

He feels he should test his appearance.

He stands up and crosses the aisle.

Did you get a hot towel? asks Terence.

Do you know who I am? asks Roo-kai.

My parrot, says Terence. Look at my drawing/

A frog with a yellow horn, and a yellow fern growing out of its cloaca, says Roo-kai.

You are perceptive, says Gaius. 

But who am I? asks Roo-kai.

Don't you remember? asks Gaius. 

I'm just asking, says Roo-kai. Do I look different? I wiped myself down with a towel.

So did I, says Terence. Do I look different?

Delilah comes over.

He wiped himself down with a towel says Delilah, and some of his neck ring came off. 

Yes, says Gaius. I see that now. Not to worry.

That's what I said, says Delilah.

What about me? asks Terence.

You still look like your passport, says Roo-kai. 

Only cleaner, says Terence. You should see all the dirt that came off.

Whereas I now have a salmon-coloured neck ring, says Roo-kai. 

If need be, I'll explain it, says Gaius. Go and sit down now, the breakfast trolley is coming.

I need to speak to you, says Delilah. May I change seats with Terence?

Yay! says Terence. I can sit next to my parrot.

He jumps down, crosses the aisle, sits in Delilah's seat, and releases the tray, ready for breakfast.

Roo-kai sits next to him, also releasing his tray.

Two breakfasts are placed in front of them.

What have you got? asks Terence.

Same as you, says Roo-kai. Don't eat the salad.

Don't drink the watermelon juice, says Terence.

Two pieces of wisdom, based on experience.

It still leaves a bread roll, butter, a pale omelette, a muesli bar, orange juice and a banana.

Roo-kai tucks in. 

Terence eyes the red wax on the tip of his banana.

Night Moves

 Gaius watches Terence and Nelly drawing epiphytes, with yellow pencils.

 Nelly has drawn fronds curling out from the horn.

A few more, behind the giant barred frog, and the horn will merge into the background.

Terence is drawing an epiphyte emerging from the barred frog’s cloaca.

Gaius sees himself, at some time in the future, removing the page altogether.

Hum.

He may as well try and get a few more hours sleep before the flight attendants bring hot towels to wake the passengers up for their breakfast.

He pulls the blanket over his shoulder, and tries.

It’s difficult to sleep when one is not horizontal.

He tries to mentally recite the periodic  table.

H He Li Be B C N O F Ne Na Mg Al C P.. P..P..P?.......the rest temporarily eludes him.

It might be more sleep-inducing to recite some sort of poem.

What was that one he wrote once....?

“No vessels allowed in the areas marked in yellow”

That was the title. But of course, he’d composed it in Latin.

Naves non licet in regione flava.

What came next?

No doubt, a follow-up witty comment.

He drifts back to the time and place in which he first saw the sign....

Yes, the sign was facing inland, so that no one on a vessel could read it

Even with binoculars....

Ha ha. And what had he written?

Signum non leget non ante naves.

Yes, it was rather witty. He should write more poems.

But sleep still eludes him.

He is tapped on the shoulder.

What now, Terence?

But it’s not Terence.

It’s Nelly’s dad.

I’m taking Nelly back to her seat, says Nelly’s dad.

Wonderful, says Gaius.

Just thought I’d let you know, in case you wondered where she was, says Nelly’s dad.

Excellent, says Gaius.

As we did, when we realised she was missing, says Nelly’s dad. And no one came and told us. Is that her pencil?

I imagine so, says Gaius.

I’ll be taking that too, says Nelly’s dad.

He takes the yellow pencil from Terence.

Bye Nelly, says Terence. Thanks for helping.

Bye Terence, says Nelly, before her dad whisks her away.

A pleasant fellow, remarks Gaius.

  

Good Until Bad

You ruined it, says Terence.

No I didn't, says Nelly. 

It's supposed to be a giant barred frog, says Terence. Not a unicorn.

Does it look like a unicorn? asks Nelly.

No, says Terence. It looks like a frog with a horn. Gaius won't like it.

He might, says Nelly. If you're looking at the horn you don't notice the smudges.

Can you still see the smudges? asks Terence.

Yes, says Nelly. If I don't look at the horn, I notice the smudges.

Ah-ah-ah-aaah! yawns Gaius. What time is it?

No one answers, so he looks at his watch. 

Ugh, says Gaius Just as I thought, I only slept for an hour. How goes the drawing, Terence?

Good until bad, says Terence, showing him the drawing.

And what is this? asks Gaius. 

SHE did it, says Terence.

Who is SHE? asks Gaius.

Nelly, says Terence. 

Hello, says Nelly. It's a horn, for attracting attention.

The giant barred frogs' call is a deep guttural grunt, says Gaius. That's their way of attracting attention. 

It's a unicorn horn, says Terence.

Hum, says Gaius. One does not usually depict a frog call in that way.

It's not a CALL, says Nelly. It's because of the smudges.

What smudges? asks Gaius (although he has noticed the smudges).

See! says Terence.

See yourself! says Nelly.

The smudges are minimal, says Gaius, and the horn, while I understand its purpose, could perhaps be transformed into something less mythical.

What does he mean? asks Nelly.

I don't know, says Terence.

I mean, turn the horn into something else, says Gaius. Something associated with the giant barred frogs' habitat. They tend to be found in the rain forest, near flowing water.

A rain hat! says Terence.

That's ridiculous! says Nelly

Perhaps a delicate epiphyte, blending into the background, says Gaius,

Once he has explained what an epiphyte it, both Terence and Nelly are happy.

The Wrong Yellow

Roo-kai has gone back to his seat.

If he glanced across the aisle he would see the pencil case girl, squeezed in beside Terence.

But he doesn't.

He closes his eyes, and ommms himself back to the Brittany coastline.

Waves break on the shore, leaving traces of tiny bubbles.

Pop pop pop, go the bubbles.

Roo-kai drifts into nirvana.

.....

Terence is rubbing out bars which are not meant to be there.

A grey smudge appears in their place.

Told you! says Nelly (which is her name).

Now what? says Terence.

Stop rubbing, says Nelly. What now?

I asked you that, says Terence.

Yes, but what's meant to be there instead of bars? asks Nelly.

Spots, says Terence.

What colour? asks Nelly.

Yellow, says Terence.

I've got two yellows, says Nelly, selecting two from her pencil case. Which yellow?

I don't know, says Terence. It's a black and white picture.

Not if you add something yellow, says Nelly. 

Okay, says Terence. Say you're a giant barred frog.

Wait, says Nelly. It's pretending, right?

Yes, says Terence.

I'm a giant barred frog, says Nelly.

And I'm a giant barred frog, says Terence.

Hello, says Nelly, in a posh frog voice.

Hello, says Terence. Nice to meet you. 

And you, says Nelly. I do like your pencils.

This one or that one? asks Terence.

That one, says Nelly.

Thank you, giant barred frog, says Terence. 

He draws large yellow spots on the legs of his frog illustration.

I'll use the other one, says Nelly.

What for? asks Terence.

The horn, says Nelly.

It doesn't have a horn, says Terence,

Too late! She has drawn a unicorn horn on his giant barred frog, in the wrong yellow.

Does Not Care

Roo-kai creeps up the aisle to where the girl with the pencil case is sleeping.

Her legs are covered by a blanket, below which her red sleeping socks are visible.

The pencil case is tucked in beside her, closed with a zipper.

How best to do this?

He hops onto the arm rest, and pokes the point of his beak through the hole in the pull on the slider.

The plan is to open it slowly.

.......

Five minutes later.

A flutter, and a rattle.

Something drops beside Terence.

Terence looks up from shading the bars of his giant barred frog.

Did she give it to you? asks Terence. 

Nh! says Roo-kai. Mu-bk-stk!

Ha ha! laughs Terence.

Beside him, Gaius stirs in his sleep.

Ha ha, laughs Terence, less loudly. Was she asleep?

Mm! mutters Roo-kai. Hp-muh!

How can I get the rubber and the yellow out with your beak in the zipper? asks Terence.

Pll! says Roo-kai.

Pll, says Terence, what does that mean?

Pull! says a small person in the aisle, who has appeared suddenly.

It's the pencil case girl!

Is this your bird? asks the pencil case girl.

He's my parrot, says Terence. Is this your pencil case, stuck to his beak?

Yes, says the pencil case girl. He came up and stole it.

He was borrowing it, says Terence.

What for? asks the pencil case girl.

So I could finish my giant barred frog, says Terence. I made a mistake and I needed a rubber.

My rubber leaves marks, says the pencil case girl. Is your giant barred frog important?

Hp mu! splutters Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. Very important. 

It works better if you lick it, says the pencil case girl, but then it makes holes in the paper.

I wasn't going to lick it, says Terence.

You might if it left a mark on your drawing, says the pencil case girl.

Roo-kai can't believe they are having this conversation, when his beak is trapped in the pull of the zipper and he can't contribute.

He shakes his head rapidly.

The pencil case drops into Terence's lap.

Yay! says Terence. Now we can open it.

You should ask me first, says the pencil case girl.

Can I open it? asks Terence.

If you let me help you colour the frog, says the girl.

Okay, says Terence.

Roo-kai foresees trouble, but frankly, after all that has happened, cares little.

Drawing At Night

Here, says Gaius. Have a my pencil.

Is it the one that went up the lady's nose? asks Terence.

My only pencil, says Gaius. But I asked you to wash it. I trust you did so.

I did, says Terence. 

He remembers doing it. A quick dip in the fish pond. It should be all right.

Just don't lick it.

Now, says Gaius, I'm trusting you to finish this illustration of the giant barred frog. I have already completed the outline.

That's its head, says Terence. And those are its legs. Is it a dead one?

No, says Gaius. It's a live one, in good health. The dead ones are shrivelled and their skin is brown and patchy.

Okay, says Terence. 

Pay attention, says Gaius. The limbs of the giant barred frog have dark cross bars. The hind side of the thighs are black with large yellow spots.

How do I do yellow spots? asks Terence.

You don't, says Gaius. It's a black and white illustration, The text will explain it.

And an arrow, says Terence. Can I do the arrow?

No need for the arrow until it's completed, says Gaius. 

The lights will be dimmed now, for sleeping, says a flight attendant. You'll find blankets and sleeping socks in the storage pocket in front of you.

Bumhole! says Terence.

You can have a reading light, says Gaius. 

What use is that? asks Terence.

It's also a drawing light, says Gaius. I'll turn yours on.

Click!

Good! says Terence.

Gaius puts on his sleeping socks, and arranges his blanket. He closes his eyes.

Terence works on his giant barred frog.

First, the leg bars. 

He draws a series of parallel lines across the front and back limbs. Fills in every second section with scribbles.

Roo-kai leaves his seat opposite and tip-toes over.

That's looking good, says Roo-kai.

It's not finished, says Terence. I have to do yellow spots next.

Where do they go? asks Roo-kai.

Hind-side, says Terence. Where is that, though?

Back of the thighs, says Roo-kai. You shouldn't have done the bars all the way up to its bottom.

Wah! says Terence.

It's only in pencil, says Roo-kai. You can rub those ones out.

If I had a rubber, says Terence.

Hasn't Gaius got one? asks Roo-kai.

He's asleep, says Terence.

There's a kid up there with a pencil case, says Roo-kai. I'll ask her.

She'll be asleep, says Terence.

Then I'll borrow her rubber, says Roo-kai. Anything else you want while I'm there?

A yellow, says Terence. 

Okay, a yellow, says Roo-kai.

He heads for the girl with the pencil case.

Terence continues to darken the leg bars which won't be rubbed out.

Downside Of Freedom

Feeling better now? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Terence. The watermelon seeds have gone, and I've got a snail.

You know it's my snail, says Roo-kai.

It was, says Terence. But look what it's been through.

I suppose you mean you, says Roo-kai. But it hasn't been all the way through.

Do you want it back? asks Terence.

Yes and no, says Roo-kai.

Why yes? asks Terence.

It WAS on my salad, says Roo-kai.

Why no? asks Terence.

It was saved, says Roo-kai. 

I know, says Terence. I saved it.

Gaius saved it, says Roo-kai. It was going to be taken away in a sick bag.

What's this? asks Gaius.

Who owns the snail? asks Roo-kai.

No one, says Gaius. It has gained a right to its freedom. Are you two squabbling?

No, says Terence. 

No, says Roo-kai.

Let's set it free, says Terence.

He drops the snail over the side of his aisle seat.  The snail lands on its muscular foot.

Now what?

Is it supposed to decide?

It does not trust Roo-kai or Terence.

Nor does it trust in the gods.

What about that nice man who said give it its freedom?

The snail turns, and starts making its way towards Gaius's feet.

This could end well, or it couldn't.

Sometimes it's all in the timing.

It is just after dinner, so people are heading to the toilets.

Crunch!

The snail is no more. Only bits of crushed shell, smeared snail parts and little white bubbles

It could have been worse. (Stuck to a shoe, only to be dislodged in a toilet).

Wah! cries Terence. 

What happened? asks Gaius. 

That man stepped on my snail! moans Terence.

You mustn't blame yourself, says Gaius.

I don't, says Terence. I blame you.

Gaius realises that's what it must look like to Terence.

He needs to mollify Terence.

How would you like an important task? says Gaius.

I might, says Terence.

You will like this task, says Gaius. Here is my notebook. This is an incomplete illustration of the giant barred frog. It's your job to complete it.

Me? says Terence.

He has forgotten the dead snail already.

 

A Gift From The Gods

Terence has thrown up in the aisle.

A flight attendant comes running.

Stay in your seats everyone! I'll clean it up right away.

Can I look at it first? asks Terence.

Only from your seat, says the flight attendant. And only till I come back with rubber gloves, a scoop and a sick bag. 

She hurries off.

Did the watermelon seeds come up with it? asks Gaius.

One, two, three, four, counts Terence. Hey! But I swallowed three! 

One is the mollusc, says Roo-kai, from the seat opposite. It's a different colour.

Mollusc? says Gaius. Don't tell me Terence swallowed a mollusc!

I thought it was a gift from the gods, says Terence. Maybe it wasn't.

Let me see, says Gaius.

He leans across Terence.

It's a common garden snail, says Gaius. Cornu aspersum. Of the family Helicidae.

The flight attendant comes back, with the fore-mentioned items.

She kneels.

We'll soon have this cleared up, says the flight attendant.

Excuse me, says Terence.

That's all right, says the flight attendant. These things happen. Especially with infants. No need to be sorry.

I'm not saying sorry, says Terence. I want my snail back.

Snail? says the flight attendant. 

She looks down at the apple-rich puddle, the three watermelon seeds and the mollusc.

Yes, there is a small snail here. But I can't let you have it.

Why not? asks Terence.

It's now airline property, says the flight attendant.

Is it moving? asks Gaius.

She looks again. It has shifted slightly.

Possibly.

Then surely it is still Terence's property, says Gaius. 

It's my property, says Terence.

Actually, my property, says Roo-kai. It came on my salad.

The flight attendant freezes. On the salad. Ai! Not again!

She now has the gloves on. She picks up the garden snail and returns it to Terence.

Yay! says Terence. You ARE a gift from the gods!

The garden snail wonders how its long journey from a market garden to cold storage to a salad bowl and down a dark tunnel filled with churning apple and pointy black seeds then suddenly up again and spilling into a brightly lit puddle makes it a gift from the gods.

Flux On A Plane

The dinner trolley draws level, at last.

What can I have? asks Terence.

Fruit juice, says Gaius.

Black currant, or watermelon? asks the flight attendant.

Watermelon, says Terence.

Gaius is handed his dinner, Terence his watermelon drink.

It has big black seeds floating in it.

Gaius lifts the clear plastic lid off his dinner.

A salmon smell, combined with exotic spices, wafts out.

He breaks open a bread roll.

Where is the butter?

And what is this? Ah, some sort of dessert slice sitting in a honey sauce. And an apple.

And this is? Yes, a wet wipe. And this? Salt and pepper. And a toothpick.

While Gaius is occupied identifying the various parts of his dinner, Terence is slurping his drink.

Slurp-gluk! Slurp-gluk! Slurp-gluk!

He has now swallowed three large black watermelon seeds.

He wriggles in his seat, beside Gaius.

Finished your drink already? asks Gaius.

Y... hic! says Terence. Are watermelon seeds poison?

No, says Gaius. Did you swallow them?

Yes, says Terence. Hic! They were pointy. Now they're stuck half way down me.

They'll make their way out, says Gaius. Are they uncomfortable?

YES! says Terence. 

Try a bite of apple, says Gaius.

Am I allowed? asks Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. Just chew it up well before you swallow it.

How many chews? asks Terence.

One hundred, says Gaius.

Terence takes a bite of the apple, and starts chewing.

One two three four.......

This will take ages.

Can he talk while he's chewing?

Why not try.

He gets up and crosses the aisle to where Roo-kai is staring at something moving in a bowl of green salad.

It's alive, says Roo-kai. 

Wo? asks Terence.

This mollusc, says Roo-kai. Why are you talking like that?

Footy-choo, says Terence, with a gluey apple dribble.

Ugh! says Roo-kai.

Eat up, says Delilah. It's a gift from the gods, that mollusc.

I don't think so, says Roo-kai. 

But Terence is prepared to believe it.

He picks up the live mollusc and pops it into his mouth.

The mollusc is surprised to find itself floundering in a flux of chewed apple.

And even more surprised to hit a watermelon seed, further down.

After which everything goes dark and swirly.

Terence pats his tummy.

You'll regret that, says Roo-kai.

Way-hic! says Terence.

Here, have a sick bag, says Delilah.

Terence opens his mouth to say I don't need a sick bag, and ......

......an interesting mixture spills out.

You Should Try Nomming

I might try again, says Terence. 

He closes his eyes.

Omm-nom-nom.

Gaius does not correct him.

Omm-nom-nom, repeats Terence.

Roo-kai, across the aisle from Terence, awakens. 

Is there food coming? asks Roo-kai.

Not yet, says Delilah. 

I heard the sound of someone eating, says Roo-kai. 

It wasn't me, says Delilah. And it wasn't Terence. He's gone to sleep.

Roo-kai looks across at Terence.

Terence wants you to wake him, says Delilah.

I bet he does, says Roo-kai.

He's not really asleep, says Delilah. He's trying to develop his inner eye.

Why? asks Roo-kai.

I told him that was what you were doing, says Delilah. How was it?

Peaceful, says Roo-kai. There were rocks. I became one with their qualities.

Impressive, says Delilah. Do you think it will last?

We shall see, says Roo-kai. But right now, I should wake him.

He leans across the aisle. Brushes Terence's face with a wing tip.

Terence opens his eyes.

I wasn't asleep, says Terence. 

What were you doing? asks Roo-kai.

Nomming, says Terence. You should try it.

I was, says Roo-kai. 

Did you see the Zen Gardens without you in it? asks Terence.

No, says Roo-kai. My object was to imagine the Zen Gardens without YOU in it. 

That's what I tried, says Terence. But my feet were in it.

They weren't in mine, says Roo-kai. I had a deeply calming experience. I became one with the rocks.

Now you know how I feel, says Terence.

You are no rock, says Roo-kai.

But the rocks can't imagine the Zen Gardens without them in it, says Terence. 

How do you know? asks Roo-kai.

I'm one with the rocks, says Terence.

You are not one with the rocks, I am, says Roo-kai. Or that's how it seemed to me at the time.

Woop, says Terence. I'm closer to the rocks than you are. Did the rocks have feet?

Of course not, says Roo-kai.

Bottoms? asks Terence.

These are base questions, says Roo-kai.

The Universe Humming

How long will this be? asks Terence.

Twelve hours and twenty minutes, says Gaius. 

What will I do? asks Terence.

Gaius glances across the aisle at Roo-kai, who appears to be sleeping.

Delilah sees him glancing.

She places her hands palms together, and closes her eyes.

He's DIED! cries Terence.

He's breathing regularly, says Gaius. Which would indicate otherwise.

But Terence has jumped out of his seat and crossed over the aisle to Roo-kai.

Roo-kai! cries Terence. Wake up O my parrot!

Hush, says Delilah. He's back in the Zen Gardens.

Terence is surprised. 

In his mind, adds Delilah. I taught him a method.

What is it? asks Terence.

Say ommmmm, says Delilah. It empties the mind.

What for? asks Terence.

The inward eye, says Delilah.

What's in there? asks Terence.

The Zen Gardens, without you, says Delilah. Poor Roo-kai missed out on the experience.

Can I do it? asks Terence.

Yes, says Delilah. Go back to your seat. Close your eyes and say ommmmm. Then imagine the Zen Gardens.

Without me there, says Terence. So it's peaceful. 

If you like, says Delilah. 

Okay, says Terence. Wake me up when he wakes up.

I'll ask him to, says Delilah.

Terence goes back to his seat.

Closes his eyes.

Uh! He's forgotten the word.

What's the matter? asks Gaius. 

I'm trying to empty my mind, says Terence. But I've forgotten the word that makes me do it.

I imagine it's ommmmm, says Gaius. The sound of the universe humming.

That's it, says Terence.

OMMMMM!

Too loud, says Gaius. One should say it softly.

Ommmmm, says Terence, softly. 

He is trying.

The Zen Gardens swim into view, behind his stone eyelids.

Paths wind between palm trees and rocks.

There are feet on the path, running.

They are his feet.

He opens his eyes.

Didn't work? asks Gaius.

Terence scowls. No it didn't.

Bliss Of Solitude

At last it is time to board the flight from Dubai to Adelaide.

Roo-kai is glad to sit down.

Did you enjoy the Zen Gardens? asks Delilah.

No, says Roo-kai. I was keeping an eye on Terence the whole time.

No time for contemplation, says Delilah.

No time at all, says Roo-kai.

That inward eye which is the bliss of solitude, says Delilah.

Pardon? says Roo-kai.

You did not expect a French pastry cook to quote Wordsworth, says Delilah.

I did not know it was Wordsworth, says Roo-kai. But whatever it was, I didn't expect it.

It means, you still have your memories, says Delilah. You can sit back, close your eyes and contemplate the Zen Gardens now.

Let me get this straight, says Roo-kai. You expect me to re-live it.

But without the frantic running around after Terence, says Delilah.

I shall try, says Roo-kai. And perhaps you might close your eyes and contemplate the Zen Gardens without an almond flake having to be pulled out of your nose with a pencil.

Touché, says Delilah. But if that hadn't happened, I should not have learned of the plight of dead frogs along the east coast of Australia.

Being dead is hardly a plight, says Roo-kai.

Being lethargic and emaciated with red bellies and coloured patches on their skin is a plight, says Delilah. That is what happens to them beforehand.

I shall find it hard to contemplate the Zen Gardens now, says Roo-kai.

Empty your mind of all things, says Delilah.

How? asks Roo-kai.

Say ommmmm, says Delilah.

Roo-kai closes his eyes and says ommmmm. 

He is back in the Zen Gardens. Terence is nowhere to be seen. There are rocks at the side of the pathway.

The rocks exhibit the four main qualities of rockness.

1. Elegant and upright.

2. Wrinkled and furrowed.

3. With cracks like channels

4. With holes that allow air and light through.

Palm trees and ginger plants surround them.

In a nearby fish pond, golden carp circle.

It is restful.

List Of Dead Frogs

A tissue? says Delilah.

Thank you, says Gaius. 

She hands him a tissue. He wipes the almond flake from the tip of his pencil.

Now what should he do with the tissue?

I'll take it, says Delilah. I'll take the pencil too, if you'd rather not keep it.

I prefer to keep the pencil, says Gaius. I'll give it to Terence next time he runs by. He can dip it into the waterfall, and cleanse it.

Here he comes now, says Delilah.

Terence runs by.

Stop, Terence! calls Gaius. Did you find the waterfall?

Look at me, says Terence. I'm wet.

Did you fall in? asks Gaius. 

No, says Terence. I waded.

I'd like you to take this pencil back to the waterfall and wash it, says Gaius.

Wash a pencil! says Terence.

Roo-kai catches up, breathing hard.

We have a mission, says Terence. Wash this pencil.

Roo-kai looks at Gaius.

You may be wondering why, says Gaius. But I should not wish to embarrass a lady.

It doesn't matter, says Delilah. I'll tell them. It's been up my nose.

YUCK! says Terence, examining the pencil. 

She sniffed up an almond flake accidentally, says Gaius. But no harm was done.

Where did it come from? asks Terence.

He has noticed the flies.

This cream cake, says Gaius. 

He indicates the cream cake, at one end of the seat.

There are still one or two almond flakes on it. And several black dots which are struggling to escape from the cream.

Terence takes the pencil and starts running.

Roo-kai follows.

Don't break it! shouts Gaius. 

Is it your only pencil? asks Delilah.

Currently, yes, says Gaius. I'm using it to compile my new list.

A shopping list? asks Delilah. 

A list of dead frogs, says Gaius. 

How interesting, says Delilah. I have always liked frogs. Not dead ones of course.

No, of course, says Gaius. And probably not the cane toad.

That's a toad, says Delilah. But no.

They are on the list, says Gaius. Turning up dead, in various locations.

Can't say I'm sorry for that, says Delilah. What about the others?

Green and golden bell frogs, says Gaius. Green tree frogs, giant barred frogs....

Delilah looks at her watch.

Time passes slowly in the Zen Gardens. 

Incident In Zen Gardens

Gaius snorts loudly.

The tiny fly exits his nose.

He turns to find out why his wooden seat trembled.

Aha. A lady has sat down on it.

Hello, says the lady. Lovely gardens.

Lovely, says Gaius.

I was on your flight, says the lady. Sitting next to your oystercatcher. My name is Delilah.

Ah yes, the pastry cook, says Gaius. You gave him a mollusc. 

He mentioned it? says Delilah.

We both wondered how a pastry cook could produce a mollusc just like that, says Gaius. Roo-kai's seat was procured at the last moment.

I know, says Delilah. He should not have spoken of it. His beak was sealed.

Only in regard to the other matter, says Gaius.

What other matter? asks Delilah.

I know nothing of the other matter, says Gaius.

That is reassuring, says Delilah. Where is he now?

He is following Terence, who is looking for a waterfall, says Gaius.

There is a pond over there with natural rocks and golden carp, says Delilah. But the waterfall is only a trickle.

Then he will not find Motelo Mama, says Gaius. At least he is running off some of his excess energy.

Terence runs by.

There's a bigger pond that way!

Roo-kai hops after him. 

Sweet, says Delilah. Which reminds me, would you care for a cream cake?

No thank you, says Gaius.

Probably wise, says Delilah. The cream may have gone off.

She takes a cream cake out of a brown paper bag and sniffs it.

Yes, it has gone off.

There is an almond flake stuck to the end of your nose, says Gaius. Dear me! You've breathed it in now! 

Help me! cries Delilah. Do you have tweezers?

No, says Gaius. I do have a pencil. Would that repel you?

Yes! yelps Delilah. But if all you have is a pencil, then do it!  Mind my eyes though!

I advise you to shut them, says Gaius.

The tiny flies hover around, watching.

Why doesn't she just snort it out? That's what most humans do when small things fly up their noses.

The flies marvel, as Gaius inserts the pencil. Angles it deftly, Draws it back out. 

An almond flake comes out with it.

End of drama. 

They continue to hover. That cream does smell nice. 

 Gaius wonders what he should do with the almond flake on the end of his pencil.

The Ground Trembles

The plane lands in Dubai.

We have three hours here, says Gaius. Let's stretch our legs.

I remember this airport! says Terence. 

We were here with the Twitcher, says Gaius. And, on another occasion, we stopped here with Daniel O'Connell.

The spider! says Terence.

Indeed, says Gaius. The spider from the cave in Romania. 

Diddly-dee! says Terence.

Why did you say diddly-dee? asks Roo-kai.

Daniel O'Connell used to say it, says Terence.

He believed he was Irish, says Gaius. 

Let's go to the Zen Gardens, says Terence. I LOVE the Zen Gardens!

All right, says Gaius. We can stroll around there.

They go up the escalator, to the Zen Gardens.

There are paths, winding between ferns and trees. Ginger plants. Contemplative nooks, with seats to sit on.

Terence runs ahead, along a pathway. This is the rain forest! cries Terence. Where's the waterfall? I'm going to find Motelo Mama!

I'll go with him, says Roo-kai. 

He heads up the path behind Terence.

Gaius strolls about. The last time he was here was with Kong. Kong had been reading The Uniqueness of Consciousness.

Good old Kong. A long time since he's seen him.

Gaius sits down on a wooden bench framed by bushes, with tiny flies hovering above them.

He checks his contact list.

Kong Fu-zi.

Why not call him?

Ring ring.

Hello? Kong here.

Kong! It's Gaius. I'm in the Zen Gardens, at Dubai airport. And I thought of you. How are you?

So-so, says Kong. How about you?

Very well, says Gaius. I'm heading home to Adelaide. Then up to Queensland. Where are you?

In China, says Kong. Describe for me the Zen Gardens. 

Oh you know, says Gaius. Steamy, tiny flies. Hard seats. 

That takes me back, says Kong. I was reading The Uniqueness of Consciousness. Didn't get it. Still don't.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. You don't have to.

I suppose not, says Kong. Are you travelling alone?

No, I'm with Terence and his new parrot, Roo-kai.

Ah, Terence! And what is he up to?

Running about looking for Motela Mama, says Gaius..

The turtle spirit of the Amazonian rainforest! says Kong. When she moves the ground trembles.

Yes that's her, says Gaius. He was watching a movie, on the flight here.

I've seen it, says Kong. Marvellous isn't it, how they do animation these days?

Yes, says Gaius. Marvellous.

A tiny fly flies up his nose.

The wooden seat trembles.

Spirit Of The Rainforest

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Gaius. The flight lasts six hours and forty minutes. Four hours to go.

Four hours! says Terence. 

You missed dinner, says Gaius. You were so engrossed in your film. I saved you a slice of watermelon.

Can I watch it again? asks Terence. It's the best movie ever. There's a purple cave with a waterfall, and an old turtle called Motelo Mama.

Legendary Spirit of the Rainforest, says Gaius.

How do you know? asks Terence.

Research, says Gaius. He does not mention that while he was eating his Chicken Kiev he happened to glance across at what Terence was watching.

So can I? asks Terence.

Of course, says Gaius. If it keeps you occupied. Why do you like it so much?

There's this girl in it, says Terence. And she has two friends, one's called Vaca, and one's called Dildo.

Dildo? says Gaius. 

He's really sharp, says Terence. 

I think you'll find he was called Dillo, says Gaius.

How do you know? asks Terence. Were you watching? So you know how good it is. Let's watch it together.

Gaius checks his watch.

Three hours, fifty five minutes.

Across the aisle, Roo-kai chats with his neighbour, the pastry cook. Her name is Delilah.

She is explaining the secret of making a perfect choux pastry.

Cold fingers, says Delilah.

I must remember that, says Roo-kai. Although it's unlikely I'll ever be called upon to make choux pastry.

You may be called on to supervise someone else doing it, says Delilah.

True, says Roo-kai. One never knows what one may be called upon to do in the future.

C'est vrai, says Delilah. I never thought I'd be flying to Adelaide on a hush-hush mission.

How intriguing, says Roo-kai.

I should not have revealed it, says Delilah.

My beak is sealed, says Roo-kai. Not that I know what it is. You have not revealed it.

Nice of you to say so, says Delilah. By the way, would you care for a mollusc?

A mollusc? Where did she get a mollusc?  Not from the Etihad trolley.

Roo-kai accepts the mollusc, with a touch of suspicion.

 

You Are Lucky

When Gaius, Terence and Roo-kai board the Etihad flight to Adelaide, Roo-kai has his own seat.

Seat 8P, says the flight attendant. It is directly across the aisle. We hope it's acceptable.

It is acceptable, says Roo-kai.

How cute, says the flight attendant. It talks. Does it read also?

No, says Terence. It doesn't.

I do, says Roo-kai. I should like a newspaper.

She hands him a newspaper. It is a Paris newspaper. And therefore in French.

Merci, says Roo-kai.

Arthur has done you proud, says Gaius, leaning across Terence, to speak to Roo-kai.

But Roo-kai is already engrossed in the paper.

The plane takes off. Rumble~~~bump >>>> bruuuum!!!!

Can I watch a movie? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius. 

Can I choose it? asks Terence.

As long as it's not R-rated, says Gaius.

What's R? asks Terence.

Restricted, says Gaius. Now please be quiet while I update my notes.

Terence chooses a movie about two girls, an armadillo and a tapir, who live in a rainforest.

Roo-kai continues to read the newspaper.

His brow knits, as he reads about the submarine debacle from the French point of view.

Scandaleux! he mutters. 

C'est vrai, says his neighbour. The Australians have stabbed the French in the back. We can no longer trust them.

Of course, I am not an Australian, says Roo-kai.

I can see that, says his neighbour. You are an oystercatcher, from Brittany.

Well spotted, says Roo-kai. Is it my accent?

It is, says the neighbour. But what is that red ring round your neck?

An attempt at a parrot disguise, says Roo-kai. I now regret it. 

Perhaps it will wash off, says the neighbour. What is it?

Red food dye, says Roo-kai.

C'est mauvais, says the neighbour. I am a pastry cook, and I know about red food dye.

It's not the crushed beetles, says Roo-kai. It's the chemical.

Alors! says the neighbour. It will wear off eventually. Are you travelling alone?

Non, says Roo-kai. I am with those two. 

He indicates Terence and Gaius.

Aah! says the neighbour. Un petit chérubin et un savant. Vous avez de la chance.

That remains to be seen, says Roo-kai.

Yet To Prove Otherwise

The flight from Brest has landed in Paris.

Now what? asks Terence.

We have two hours here, says Gaius, then we fly on to Adelaide, with one stop on the way.

How long will it take? asks Terence.

A day and a half, says Gaius. 

Ughh! says Terence. I'll be so BORED. Will Roo-kai be in the overhead locker?

I hope not, says Roo-kai. A day and a half in an overhead locker. It's really dark, and it rumbles.

You could fly to Adelaide, says Terence. Why don't you?

That's what I'm doing, says Roo-kai.

I mean real flying, says Terence. With your wings flapping.

I'm not that fit at the moment, says Roo-kai.

Let's find a café, says Gaius, and I'll call Vello.

They find a café in the airport, and Gaius calls Vello.

Gaius: Hello, Vello?

Vello: Gaius! Where are you now?

Gaius: At Charles de Gaulle Airport, waiting to board our flight to Adelaide. Just wondering, did you reserve a seat for Roo-kai?

Vello: Roo-kai? Who is Roo-kai?

Gaius: Terence's parrot.

Vello: Why would you think I'd reserve a seat for a parrot?

Gaius: Oh. Never mind.

Vello: Why ask me anyway? It's not as though I had anything to do with your bookings.

Gaius: You didn't? Then who? I was told it was you.

Vello: Beats me. Perhaps it was Arthur, pretending to be me, as I am the more influential of the two of us.

Gaius: Arthur! Of course. The dear boy! 

The call ends. Gaius decides to call Arthur.

Arthur may have booked a seat for Terence's parrot. And if he hasn't, it may not be too late.

Gaius calls Arthur.

Yes? says Arthur. 

I believe you booked our tickets home, says Gaius. Did you by any chance remember that we are travelling with a parrot? An oystercatcher, by the name of Roo-kai. He was obliged to travel from Brest to Paris in an overhead locker, or pose as a toy. Which was fine for a short flight, but....

Okay, says Arthur. So you want him to have his own seat on the long flight.

If at all possible, says Gaius. 

I'll see what I can do, says Arthur.

Thank you, Arthur, says Gaius. And how are things at home?

You've got fruit fly, says Arthur.

Dear me, says Gaius. Again?

And I might go surfing, says Arthur. In Queensland. If they open the border.

I'm sure you'll get through, says Gaius. But don't go yet. I too might go to Queensland. I wish to count gobies. And resolve a dead frog mystery. 

Okay, says Arthur.

See you soon, says Gaius.

...

What's happening? asks Terence. Will Roo-kai get his own seat?

Arthur is seeing to it, says Gaius. We can be hopeful.

Yay! We can be hopeful, says Terence.

Is Arthur reliable? asks Roo-kai. 

He is yet to prove otherwise, says Gaius.

Just Be Grateful

On the flight to Paris, Terence has his own seat, next to Gaius.

But Vello has not booked a seat for Roo-kai.

Therefore Roo-kai is in the overhead locker.

I wonder if Roo-kai is all right, says Terence.

Do you want me to open the overhead locker and ask him? says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence. 

Gaius stands up, opens the overhead locker.

Rook-kai falls out.

Sorry, says Roo-kai. I was leaning against it.

Why? asks Terence. You could have fallen out.

I did fall out, says Roo-kai. It was more comfortable.

Falling out? asks Terence.

Leaning against it, says Roo-kai. But this is even more comfortable. Can I stay out?

Yes, says Terence. If anyone asks I'll say you're my toy.

You could have said that when we boarded, says Roo-kai.

No we couldn't, says Gaius. You have a parrot passport.

Much good it did me, says Roo-kai. 

Just be grateful, says Gaius.

Yes, be grateful, says Terence. Here comes the trolley.

The trolley comes by.

Gaius asks for a water.

What about the little boy? asks the flight attendant, smiling. 

Anything red, says Gaius. And liquid. Not wine of course. Ha ha.

Terence gets a Ribena.

Is that your toy? asks the flight attendant.

Yes, says Terence. 

I don't think it is, says the flight attendant. It's breathing. And I know there is supposed to be a real parrot on board.

It's me, says Roo-kai. I admit it. 

And yet, you do not look like a parrot, says the flight attendant.

Gaius feels in his pocket for the passport.

As you see, says Gaius. Roo-kai Catcher. Parrot. And a photo which matches.

I do see, says the flight attendant. He does not have a seat though. Why?

It is due to an oversight, says Gaius. Our booking was made in a hurry, by a person who is very busy, and probably thought that a parrot could travel in an overhead locker.

Or worse, says the flight attendant. In a box in the hold, where the heat is unpleasant.

Woo! says Terence. You escaped that!

Woo, says Roo-kai. Lucky me.

I shall pretend this unconvincing parrot is a toy, says the flight attendant. As this is a short flight, no harm will come of it.

May I have a Ribena? asks Roo-kai.

No, says the flight attendant. 

He can share mine, says Terence.

That's up to you, says the flight attendant. I must continue.

She trundles away with the trolley.

So that is all sorted, and no other passengers even noticed, being busy opening their little UHT milk pods, and stirring their coffees with short wooden sticks.

If He Were French

 Shall I wait? asks Jean-Claude. Or just drop you off.

Drop us off, says Gaius. If we can't get on the next flight to Paris, we'll take the next one.

You don't have a booking? asks Jean-Claude.

I have an open ticket, says Gaius.

Yes, but you still need to...... Perhaps I'll wait after all, says Jean-Claude.

He parks the car in the airport car park. 

They all go to the booking office.

It's closed. All bookings must be made online now.

The next flight to Paris is in fifteen minutes, says Jean-Claude, who has looked at Departures.

Curses, says Gaius. Let me see what I can do on my phone.

Wah! cries Terence. We're going to miss it. 

Give it to me, says Jean-Claude. 

Gaius hands him his phone.

Jean-Claude taps and clicks until he is certain. No seats on any flights today.

Double curses, says Gaius. If there was only someone here I could talk to.

There is Information, says Jean-Claude.

They go to a booth called Information.

Oui? says the attendant.

J'ai besoin d'aller à Paris aujourd'hui, says Gaius.

Vous avez un billet? asks the attendant.

Voila, says Gaius.

She looks at the billet.

Ah oui! she says. You 'ad better 'urry. Vous avez dix minutes. Départ de Gate Huit.

Parfait! says Gaius. Merci, madame. Come on boys! We must run.

Gaius, Terence and Roo-kai dash off towards Gate Huit.

That was lucky, remarks Jean-Claude to the attendant. 

Pas de tout, says the attendant. His person in Adelaide arranged it. A very famous person, a Frenchman greatly admired by our people.

Son nom? asks Jean-Claude.

François-Marie Arouet, says the attendant. Also known as Voltaire, or Vello. Did you know that he leads a team in the Tour de France these days?

I did, says Jean-Claude. And one of those team members is Gaius, who is also well known in his way.

Dites-moi, says the attendant (although the queue for information is growing).

Jean-Claude explains about the sea slugs and Gaius's expertise in Natural History.

She is interested, but not as interested as she might have been, had Gaius been French.

Eight Is Lucky

Jean-Claude is driving Gaius, Terence and Roo-kai to the airport.

It's early morning. The traffic is not bad.

Gaius is in the front passenger seat.

Terence and Roo-kai are in the back.

Terence is kicking the back of Gaius's seat.

Stop doing that, Terence, says Gaius. 

What am I doing? asks Terence.

Kicking the back of my seat, says Gaius. I know you are sad, but that won't help Rusty.

Yes, says Roo-kai. Look at the big picture.

Where is it? asks Terence.

You have to conjure it up in your mind, says Roo-kai. 

What's in the big picture? asks Terence.

Everything that happened to lead to this point, says Roo-kai.

Terence stops kicking the seat.

Thank you, Terence, says Gaius. 

What did I do? asks Terence.

You started thinking about the big picture, says Gaius. 

I didn't, says Terence. I haven't even started. Where does it start?

When you met Rusty, says Gaius. 

Terence sighs. That was when it started.

And became his friend, says Gaius.

And he stole a model boat, and we floated out to sea, says Terence. And then we got rescued.

Roo-kai hiccups. Or is it some deeper emotion?

What? says Terence.

You were looking for Saint Roley's brother, says Roo-kai. I am reminded. Which made me hiccup.

Two lost people, says Terence.

One a bird, says Roo-kai.

One a bold golden boy statue, says Gaius. But Rusty is not in fact lost. He is back at Oceanopolis, where really, he is not in much danger.

Except for Hideo! cries Terence. 

The Head of Slugs will be on the lookout for Hideo, says Gaius. And my fish glue is strong.

How many of Rusty's toes are stuck on with fish glue? asks Jean-Claude.

Two, says Gaius.

That leaves eight others.

Eight. A lucky number, says Roo-kai.

Terence brightens. Is it?

Is doesn't matter. Roo-kai has said it.

Which shows he is wise.

All Its Splendid Variety

Ready? asks Jean-Claude.

Ready, says Gaius.

Mathilde, Bertille and the saints are out in the garden.

Goodbye and safe journey, says Mathilde.

Bye, says Bertille. I'll remember you every time I see a sea slug.

So will I, says Terence.

Remember me? says Bertille.

No, remember the sea slug, says Terence. 

And me, says Rook-kai.

I won't need to remember you, says Terence. 

Because I'll be with you, says Roo-kai.

And you ate all the sea slugs, says Terence. We shouldn't forget that.

Never mind, says Gaius. I'm sure there are plenty of sea slugs in South Australia.

Will you look for them? asks Saint Arnoc.

Possibly, says Gaius. But I have several alternative projects in mind.

What might they be? asks Saint Ténénan.

Dead frogs or gobies, says Gaius.

Dead frogs! says Terence.

You don't decide, says Gaius.

Good luck with whatever you decide on, says Saint Arnoc. 

Indeed, says Saint Ténénan. Perhaps we'll meet again one day.

Doubtless , says Gaius. Thanks for your hospitality, and your delicious potato soup in all its splendid variety.

Ha ha! Not too much splendid variety, laughs Saint Arnoc.

I refer to the red variety which you made specially for Terence, says Gaius. And the unusual vervain version, which you came up with last night.

Alors! We must be going! says Jean-Claude. There may be long queues at the airport.

Of course, says Gaius. In the car, Terence and Roo-kai!

They get in.

They wave goodbye to the saints and Bertille and her mother.

This is the saddest day of my life, says Terence.

Not that sad, surely, says Gaius. Why?

Hideo is going to eat Rusty's toes, says Terence. At Oceanopolis. In front of all the people. 

Not a good outcome, says Gaius. You should have told me earlier. Now it's too late to prevent it.

 

Propeller Rectum

The potato soup smells different.

Mmm, says Gaius. What have you added?

Dried vervain, says Saint Arnoc. We thought, since this was your last evening with us, to try something different.

It tastes interesting, says Gaius. Not my first choice as a fine herb, but certainly piquant.

We mainly use it for medicinal purposes, says Saint Ténénan.

What are they? asks Gaius. 

In an omelette, for bruises, says Saint Arnoc.

Not that we ever have an omelette, says Saint Ténénan. 

Boiled in red wine, for a prolapsed rectum, says Saint Arnoc.

In a compress with vinegar, to treat lumbago and head aches, says Saint Ténénan.

Or healing snake bites, says Saint Ténénan.

I've got a propeller rectum, says Terence. Can I have some?

What nonsense! says Gaius. 

What's a rectum? asks Terence.

Ask your parrot, says Gaius. And go to the corner. I'm eating.

Terence and Roo-kai repair to a dark corner.

Roo-kai whispers something in Terence's ear.

BUMHOLE? says Terence. A propeller bumhole! I wish I DID have one, then I could....

And so on. 

So, says Saint Arnoc, how will you get to the airport?

Jean-Claude has offered us a lift, says Gaius. Everyone is most kind. By the way, thanks for the paper.

I hope you didn't mind that it was printed on one side, says Saint Arnoc.

Not at all, says Gaius. Interesting, your research.

It went nowhere, says Saint Ténénan. I have never had leprosy, and I am certainly not the father of Saint Goesnou. 

Nor could we find proof that we were the same person, says Saint Arnoc.

Did you need it? asks Gaius. Surely....

Joking, says Saint Arnoc. Ha ha! More soup?

No thank you, says Gaius. Although it was very tasty. I feel well protected against bruises and headaches and lumbago.

Not to mention propeller rectum, smiles Saint Arnoc.

Even so, says Gaius. 

But it's growing late now. 

Time to turn in.

Submarine Debacle

Roo-kai's parrot passport is printed.

His name on the front. Roo-kai Catcher.

His photo. Looking exactly like him.

On the reverse side, a reference to his great great grandfather, Saint Goesnou.

Good, says Gaius. Task completed. Now to make plans to fly home.

Are you allowed to? asks Mathilde. Aren't your borders closed?

I have a return ticket, says Gaius. And a special exemption. But I should make sure it's till valid. 

Yes, says Mathilde, rules do change rapidly, these days.

I'll call Vello, says Gaius. He'll be up with the latest.

Gaius calls Vello.

Vello! It's Gaius! Hello!

Gaius! says Vello. Where are you? Not still in France?

I am, says Gaius. Where are you?

Back in Adelaide, says Vello. Luckily we got home before the submarine debacle.

What submarine debacle? asks Gaius.

Never mind, says Vello. But you might find, as an Australian, you're persona non grata in France.

Surely not, says Gaius. I'm just calling to see if my sporting exemption's still valid.

One can only try, says Vello. My advice is to go to the airport and brazen it out. If that fails, try pleading.

You alarm me, says Gaius. I simply wish to come home.

I'll vouch for you, if necessary, says Vello. 

Thank you, says Gaius. By the way, how long must I quarantine, when I get there?

Are you double jabbed? asks Vello. 

Errr... says Gaius. 

I thought not, says Vello. I suggest you do something about it. Two jabs entitles you to one week quarantining at home.  

Curses, says Gaius. 

See you whenever, says Vello.

Hopefully sooner, says Gaius. 

When are we going? asks Terence.

I must check my ticket, says Gaius. 

He calls it up on his phone.

It's still valid. All he has to do is find a flight from Brest to Adelaide, with available seating.

Let us go down to the cellar and pack, says Gaius. We'll leave for the airport in the morning.

You are optimistic, says Mathilde.

It's my nature, says Gaius. It helps of course, to be a Tour de France rider, and a natural historian, whom almost everyone has heard of.

And to have me, who used to live on a palace, says Terence. And my parrot.

Yes, says Gaius. Most airports are happy to see you fly off.

What about coming? asks Terence.

Not quite so much, says Gaius.

Because they haven't met me, says Terence.

Saint Goesnou At The Airport

So what's left? asks Roo-kai.

This one, says Gaius. A list of saints. Saint Tudogilus, Saint Tudon, Saint Thudon, Saint Tugdon.

They all sound rather similar, says Mathilde.

They may have been confused, says Gaius. That's what it says here. Tudogilus, if indeed it was he, was the father of Saint Goesnou, Saint Majan, and a girl called Tudona.

Who wasn't a saint, says Bertille.

How do you know? asks Roo-kai.

It would have said so, says Bertille. I wonder what she did to deserve not to be one.

She also may be confused, says Gaius. Well Roo-kai, which paper shall we put in the printer?

The confused one, says Roo-kai.

I decide, says Terence.

May I at least present my reasons? asks Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence.

I'm putting myself in the place of a passport inspector, says Roo-kai. A parrot presents him or her with a passport. It all looks in order. But it's a quiet day at the airport, so the passport inspector turns the passport over.

Then what? asks Terence.

One of three different scenarios, says Roo-kai. One: he or she reads that Saint Tenenan was handsome, but prayed to be ugly, and his prayer was granted when god gave him leprosy.

I see where you're going, says Gaius. It won't do to have a notifiable disease mentioned on the back of your passport.

My thoughts exactly, says Roo-kai. Two: he or she reads about Saint Malo, an uplifting story until the end, when it all falls apart. He kneels on stones and wears an itchy shirt, dies and then pouf! it might not have been him after all. The passport inspector is alerted. I might not be me either.

I see, says Gaius. Good thinking.  That leaves three, which also contains a confusion.

It does, says Roo-kai, but this paper is up-front about the confusion. He or she might appreciate that. And then there is the unsainted Tudona. 

Yes, says Mathilde, gender issues, and so on. People like those.

But to be honest, says Roo-kai, I like the name of Saint Goesnou.

You can't be Saint Goesnou, says Terence.

I don't want to be, says Roo-Kai, but I'll say he's my great great grandfather.

Whom you are researching, says Gaius. Brilliant! What do you think, Terence?

I'll decide in a minute, says Terence.

But in fact he's already decided.

What It Snot

What's mortification? asks Bertille.

Feeling embarrassed, says her mother. Like, if your friends found out you ate snot. 

Yuck! says Bertille. I stopped eating snot years ago. 

I know, says Mathilde. It was just an example. Why were you asking?

Because this paper is about Saint Malo, says Bertille. He sailed to the Isle of the Blest with Saint Brendan.

And they ran out of food and ate snot, says Terence.

Definitely not going on the back of my passport, says Roo-kai.

Saint Malo was where I got Saint Roley, says Terence. My best parrot.

What else does it say about Saint Malo? asks Gaius.

During their travels they met a dead giant, says Bertille.

You can't MEET a dead giant, says Gaius. But continue.

And Saint Brendan temporarily revived him, says Bertille.

Forgive me for smiling, says Gaius. What next?

Then Saint Malo became the spiritual leader of the district later known as Saint Malo, says Bertille.

How did he know? asks Terence.

He didn't, at that point, says Gaius. Then what?

He was known as the bishop of Aleth, says Bertille. He spent his last days in solitary penance...

I know what that is, says Terence. I was supposed to be in it, after I dropped Saint Joseph's adze off the palace and knocked out a tourist. 

I never knew that, says Gaius. Surely you didn't intend to?

No way! says Terence. I hid behind a peacock, and Saint Joseph couldn't find me.. 

Do you want the rest of the sentence? asks Bertille.

Yes, we do, says her mother. It's a fascinating story.

He spent his last days in solitary penance, prayer and mortification, says Bertille. 

Eating snot! says Terence.

Not in this case, says Gaius. It would have been a more painful form of mortification. He would have tried to purify his mortal body.

How? asks Terence.

Various ways, says Gaius. Kneeling on sharp stones, wearing an itchy shirt, that sort of thing.

Woop! says Terence. They're not painful.

He died on November 15th, 621 AD, says Bertille. 

Ah, says Mathilde. Peace at last for Saint Malo. What a nice story. 

Although this may have been a different saint called Marcoult, adds Bertille. That's what it says here.

Ha ha! That's wrecked it! says Terence.

Ténénan Was So Handsome

Terence enters the cottage, with the handful of papers.

They gave me these, says Terence. And the instructions.

Thank you, Terence, says Gaius, taking the papers. Ah! They appear to be printed already.

You put them in the printer upside down, says Terence. Then your stuff gets printed on the other side. And then you write it.

Right it, Gaius. I see. And the saints don't mind us using it?

No, says Terence. They've put paper on their shopping list.

They obviously don't print things very often, says Mathilde. Otherwise they wouldn't leave their printer up here.

No doubt that is so, says Gaius. I wonder what it was they were printing.

So do I, says Mathilde. Would it be wrong of us to read it?

There are two ways of looking at the question, says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence. Front and back. 

I vote we read it, says Roo-kai. It will be on the back of my passport.

Of course, says Gaius. We don't want to arouse suspicion. Let us each take a paper, and read it, and then choose the one least offensive.

I can't read, says Terence.

I'll read one, says Bertille. Mum can read one and Gaius can read the other.

What about me? says Roo-kai.

You'll make the final decision, says Gaius. 

No, I will, says Terence. Roo-kai can help me.

Okay, says Roo-kai.

Mathilde starts reading:

Ténénan of Tinedor was so handsome that the Countess of Arondel's daughter wanted to marry him. He prayed to god to make him so ugly that no one would want him.

I'm not having that on the back of my passport, says Roo-kai.

I decide, says Terence. I want to find out what happens.

I don't, says Roo-kai. The whole idea is appalling.

Let me finish the story, says Mathilde. Ténénan promised that if his prayer was answered he would live in perpetual chastity.

What's chastity? asks Terence.

Keeping himself to himself, says Mathilde.

Not even himself, says Gaius. Self abuse can be....

Never mind, says Mathilde. We won't go there. God granted Ténénan's prayer and gave him leprosy. Good heavens!

What's leprosy? asks Terence.

A nasty disease, says Mathilde. If not treated your fingers and toes could fall off.

Maybe I've got it, says Terence.

You haven't, says Gaius. You are made of cement. Your fingers and toes are replaceable.

Irrelevant, says Roo-kai. No one comes out of this story with any merit. 

What's merit? asks Terence.

Desert, says Gaius.

Desert? Terence wonders how this could be so.

Being Or Eating Gold Toes

Terence is sorry for Rusty, who feels exponential, whatever that means.

How exponential? asks Terence.

Like Hideo, says Rusty. What he said. 

Did I say exponential? says Hideo. I don't think so.

No job, says Rusty. Like me.

You never had a job, says Terence.

I said existential, says Hideo. What is my purpose in life? I find myself wondering.

You've got two, says Terence. Maybe three.

What are they? asks Hideo. I'd be interested in your opinion.

One, says Terence. Being an otter.

True, says Hideo. 

Two, says Terence. Not being an otter.

As now, says Hideo. But those are not jobs as such. I liked being a Japanese teacher. Are you suggesting that as my third option?

No, says Terence. Three. Eating gold toes.

I NEVER ate them, says Hideo. I juggled them in my mouth, before spitting them into the water.

And the other otters copied, says Terence.

Mm, says Hideo, remembering the good times.

And everyone was watching, says Terence. That was a job.

You have perked me up, says Hideo. Come, Rusty. We have discovered a calling.

Are my toes in it? asks Rusty.

A small sacrifice surely, says Hideo. They are only glued on, as you know.

Rusty looks undecided.

Terence remembers the paper. 

Back in a minute! says Terence. 

He runs down the stone steps.

Guess what! The printer's run out of paper!

Tut! says Saint Arnoc. Another thing for the shopping list.

But Gaius needs it NOW! says Terence.

We have some paper that's only printed on one side, says Saint Ténénan.

What's the use of that? asks Terence.

You can put it in the printer the other way up and re-use it, says Saint Ténénan.

But the passport will be upside down, says Terence.

Not necessarily, says Saint Ténénan. Once it's in your hand, you can right it.

Write it? says Terence.

Turn it, says Saint Arnoc, handing Terence a few A4 papers, blank on one side.

Terence turns them over.

Yes, there are words on that side.

Too bad. He has done his best. 

He runs back up the steps to show Gaius, so focused on all the instructions he does not notice Hideo and Rusty have gone.

Feeling Exponential

How does this look? asks Gaius.

Mouldy's old passport is up on the screen.

Mouldy's photo has been removed, and replaced by the new one of Roo-kai.

Mouldy's name has been altered to Roo-kai-Catcher.

Perfect, says Roo-kai-Catcher.

Thanks, says Bertille. 

Because she is the one who has done it, after Gaius gave up, blaming faulty equipment.

I must admit, says Gaius, that I shouldn't have blamed the computer. 

You're just not used to it, says Bertille.

True, says Gaius. Now, let's hope we have better luck with the printer. How do we do this?

Up there, says Bertille. Click on that. Now press print.

How easy. Gaius clicks on that, and chooses the print option.

Everyone waits for the printer to hum into action.

But the printer is flashing a message. Out of Paper.

Mum! calls Bertille. The printer's out of paper.

Look in the cupboard, says Mathilde. Or ask your dad. 

But there is none in the cupboard. And Jean-Claude is taking a shower.

Go and ask the saints, Terence, says Gaius.

Okay! says Terence. He runs outside and sees Rusty and Hideo, near the saucer, under the tree.

I wondered where you were, says Terence.

So did we, says Rusty.

How come? asks Terence.

Existentially speaking, says Hideo. 

Same, says Rusty.

Why? asks Terence.

The sea slugs are missing, says Hideo. I'm out of a job.

Roo-kai said they went to Japan, says Terence. So he went to get more and Gaius didn't need them so he ate them.

Roo-kai, says Hideo. Is that the name your oystercatcher now goes by?

Roo-kai-Catcher, says Terence. He's my parrot.

So my legacy is to be this, says Hideo. A Japanese word, mispronounced, as a name for a fake parrot.

See, it's good! says Terence. 

He turns to Rusty.

What about you, how come you're exponential?

I'm FEELING exponential, says Rusty.

Hideo does not try to correct them.

Perhaps they really mean exponential.

And why should he care?