Reasons To Scowl

Roo-kai hears the plop.

He paddles back to the rock where he left Terence.

What if? thinks Roo-kai.

What if Quarz's promise was empty?

What if Terence has fallen in?

What if he overbalanced, due to the weight of the medal?

And whose fault would that be, and whose respon.....?

Wah! A wailing drifts over the water.

Roo-kai paddles faster.

Splosh splosh.

Terence! cries Roo-kai. What's the matter?

Wah! drifts across the dark water again.

At least he isn't lying on the bottom, thinks Roo-kai.

He reaches the rock. Terence is leaning forward, wailing.

Get back! says Roo-kai. I thought you'd fallen into the water.

I can't fall into the water, says Terence. I'm protected.

What then? asks Roo-kai.

He asked me to dip him in the water, says Terence.

Quarz did? asks Roo-kai.

So I did it, says Terence. And I dropped him.

You didn't mean to, says Roo-kai.

He said he was super cool, says Terence. 

So you DID mean to, says Roo-kai.

Kind of, but he hasn't come back yet, says Terence.

I'll poke about a bit, says Roo-kai. Where exactly did you drop him?

There, says Terence. Where you're standing.

I can feel something pointy, says Roo-kai.

He dips his long beak into the water, and come up with.....nothing.

That was my present, says Terence.

I'm sorry, says Roo-kai.

Instead of a horse. says Terence.

I know, says Roo-kai.

Maybe that means I can get horse now, says Terence.

I doubt it, says Roo-kai.

They head back to the camper, Terence scowling as Roo-kai lists all the reasons.

Plop Of Supercooled Ice

And what does happen next?

Terence wobbles, the same as before.

He addresses his crystal.

You are rubbish, says Terence.

It's to do with the medal, says Quarz. Not so much me.

My medal? asks Terence.

My medal, says Roo-kai. Take it off. It's why you're off-balance.

I can't, says Terence. Because of the velcro. You do it.

What with? asks Roo-kai.

My advice, says Quarz, is to find another activity. Where are we?

Cobar, says Roo-kai. But it's the middle of the night.

Cobar, says Quarz. Cobar, Cobar....

Are you remembering something? asks Terence.

Ja, says Quarz. I'm from Broken Hill, but we do get tourists. Sometimes they talk about places they've been.

Such as Cobar? says Roo-kai.

Ja, says Quarz. An old gold and copper mining town. There's a disused quarry and swimming spot. We should go there.

Terence can't go there, says Roo-kai.

He will not fall in, says Quarz. I guarantee it.

Yay! cries Terence. I will not fall in! Let's go there!

So against Roo-kai's better judgement, they go there.

It is night so the water in the open cut swimming spot is black, with dark rocky edges.

Quarz is less visible here.

I'll just have a paddle, says Roo-kai. 

We'll watch you, says Terence.

He sits on a rock at the edge of water, with Quarz.

Did I balance? asks Terence. I can't remember.

Nein, says Quarz. We came here instead. Do you like it?

Can I put my toes in? asks Terence. 

I don't see why not, says Quarz. 

Terence edges forward.

He knows that he will not fall in.

Is it cold? asks Quarz, suddenly.

I don't know, says Terence. 

Dip me, says Quarz.

Why? asks Terence. Are you asking for trouble?

I want to feel it, says Quarz. The ancient Greeks thought I was a form of supercooled ice.

Okay, says Terence. He picks up Quarz and leans forward to dip him in the black water.

Plop!

Plop? 

That did not sound right.

Rhymes With Farts

Sweezus and Gaius are trying to sleep in the back of the camper.

Terence is making clanging noises.

Shush! says Gaius. 

I keep falling over, says Terence. 

Go outside, says Gaius. But don't go too far from the camper.

Yay! says Terence.

Take Roo-kai with you, says Gaius.

Thanks, says Roo-kai. 

Terence climbs down from the camper, clutching his crystal.

Roo-kai follows.

Over there, says Roo-kai. 

He points to a tree and a lamp post.

The leaves cast moving shadows. 

Try now, says Roo-kai.

Terence stands on one leg, and wobbles.

Hold the crystal up to the light, says Roo-kai.

Terence holds it up to the light.

It's got a FACE! says Terence, before falling over.

Let me see, says Roo-kai. Yes, it looks angry. 

That's why it's not working, says Terence.

Put it down, says Roo-kai.

Terence puts it down on a tree root.

Ask it, says Roo-kai.

What's your problem? asks Terence.

Not like that, says Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence, I'll explain everything to it. Then ask it.

He lies on his front, face to face with the crystal.

I'll explain everything to YOU! says the crystal.

Woo! says Terence. Go on.

What is your name? asks the crystal.

Terence, says Terence.

And are you a fine specimen? asks the crystal.

No, you are, says Terence.

But is it not a generalisation? asks the crystal.

You've lost him, says Roo-kai. He thinks you're a spaceman.

My point exactly, says the crystal. He has strayed from the particular to the general, and then insulted me with a mispronunciation.

I agree, says Roo-kai. Terence, your crystal feels insulted.

Sorry, says Terence.

There, says Roo-kai. Terence is sorry. What would you like him to call you?

Quarz, says the crystal.

As in quartz? asks Roo-kai. That's not very particular.

It's German, says Quarz. For quartz. That's why I like it. It's subtle.

 It's a good name, say Terence. It rhymes with farts. So I won't forget it. 

Try and balance now, says Roo-kai.

Terence stands up and transfers his weight to one leg.

It will be interesting to find out what happens.

Happy With Small Imperfections

In the front, Sweezus and Gaius talk about lifestyle choices.

Terence is in the back with Roo-kai.

I wish we were there already, says Terence.

You just used your wish! says Roo-kai.

Not counted, says Terence. I didn't ask my spaceman.

He holds the spaceman up level with his eyes.

You knew that, didn't you, he says to the spaceman. 

Why are you calling your crystal a spaceman? asks Roo-kai.

What Gaius said, says Terence.

Roo-kai thinks back to what Gaius said.

Each oxygen being shared between two tetrahedra etcetera.

But before that. He had called it.....a fine specimen!

Specimen, says Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. 

Spess--ee--men, says Roo-kai.

But they're joined at the bottom, says Terence.

There's an E in the middle! says Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence. Spacey-man. Happy?

Roo-kai decides to be happy, with this small imperfection.

When are we getting there? asks Terence.

We're almost in Cobar, says Gaius. We'll pull over and sleep for a few hours when we get there.

I'll practise my balance, says Terence. I can't while we're moving.

I'll help you, says Roo-kai. 

Spaceyman will help me, says Terence.

Who's spaceyman? asks Gaius. An imaginary friend?

This guy, says Terence, waving his crystal.

The fine specimen, explains Roo-kai.

The penny drops.

Where geology is concerned, says Gaius, exactitude of nomenclature is important. However, in this case, I find Terence's inexactitude amusing. Ha ha! A spaceyman! An appropriate inexactitude, seeing the crystal is shiny and pointy.

Sweezus agrees. Yeah, that's funny.

The crystal itself begs to differ.

A Fine Spaceman

They drive through Wilcannia.

They do not stop there.

We'll push on to Cobar, says Gaius.

Is that where the frogs are? asks Terence.

Not the ones we seek, says Gaius. But night draws on. 

This reminds Terence of his crystal.

Where is it? asks Terence.

Here, says Roo-kai.

Good isn't it, says Sweezus. Three crystals stuck together.

May I see? asks Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. But don't make a wish.

I have no intention of making a wish, says Gaius.

Terence hands the crystal to Gaius.

A fine specimen, says Gaius. 

Terence adds that to his store of knowledge about his new crystal. 

The atoms are linked in a continuous framework of silicon-oxygen tetrahedra, says Gaius. And the interesting thing about that is...

Terence does not add this to his store of knowledge.

No kidding, says Sweezus, when Gaius has finished his explanation of what the interesting thing is.

Because, says Terence, I want the wish.

If it's a wishing crystal, says Roo-kai, there should be more than one wish available.

But they get trickier, says Terence. And there might just be one.

Don't wish for a horse, says Sweezus.

Bumhole! Sweezus has wrecked it! Now he can't wish for a horse.

Roo-kai sees from the look on his little cement face what Terence is thinking.

Crystals are for healing, says Roo-kai. 

Hey, yeah! says Sweezus. I've heard that. Different colours for different types of healing.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

Nonsense, says Gaius.

Look it up, says Sweezus. It might take his mind off the horse.

All right, says Gaius, getting out his smart phone. Ah yes, the clear crystal can be used for improving your  balance.

Bank balance? asks Sweezus. 

Ha ha, says Gaius. I think not. I imagine this refers to life balance.

I can balance already, says Terence.

It doesn't mean that, says Sweezus.

You don't know, says Terence. 

It means finding a balance, says Sweezus. Like if you only think about work and never have any fun, or if you only have fun and never think about work, that's a bad lifestyle balance.

Well put, says Gaius.

What about me? asks Terence. What do I never do?

Think, says Sweezus.

He means think about it, says Roo-kai. Not that you don't do it.

Terence thinks about it.

Then gives up. He gazes at his new crystal which is shiny and pointy even if it doesn't do anything. 

It's a fine spaceman. 

To Ponder The Quondong

The milk shakes are finished.

I might stay and have another Jamaican Surprise, says Verlaine.

It won't be a surprise, says Arthur

We must go, says Gaius.

Or the quondong pie, says Verlaine.

They leave him pondering.

Gaius and Sweezus get into the camper. 

Can I go in the red car? asks Terence.

No, says Wittgenstein. It's a two-seater.

You and me, says Terence.

You're an infant. You'd have to ride in the back, says Wittgenstein.

Okay, says Terence.

But there is no back, says Wittgenstein.

Get in the camper, says Sweezus.

Terence and Roo-kai get into the camper.

We'll meet in Dubbo, says Gaius.

Dubbo it is, says Wittgenstein.

He starts the engine of the red Mazda Miata, Arthur jumps in. They zoom off.

What was that about a bullet? asks Wittgenstein.

He shot me, says Arthur. We'd had a big fight.

How old were you? asks Wittgenstein.

Can't remember, says Arthur. But my mother came to Paris and took me home on the train.

What was the fight about? asks Wittegenstein.

Who was the best poet, says Arthur.

A strange way to resolve it, says Wittgenstein. 

Arthur agrees that it was.

In the camper the horse problem re-surfaces.

When is Christmas? asks Terence.

When you get your present, which you've already got, says Sweezus.

That's only half of it, says Terence.

He still wants a horse, says Roo-kai.

Wait, says Terence. Did you mean Christmas was over?

It may as well be, says Gaius. We are not in a position to celebrate it this year.

Do you normally? asks Sweezus.

Not really, says Gaius. Do you?

No way! says Sweezus. I lie low. Same as at Easter.

I understand why you might wish to lie low at Easter, says Gaius. But Christmas can be joyous.

Yes, says Terence. Because of the presents.

And seeing your family, says Gaius. If you have one.

I miss my family, says Roo-kai.

Boo-hoo, says Terence. I don't miss mine. I do miss my horse though.

There is no horse, says Sweezus.

Christmas Wishing Crystal

But it isn't a horse.

What is it? asks Terence.

A triple quartz crystal, says Sweezus. 

You said a horse, says Terence.

I think you'll find I didn't, says Sweezus. It was because it wasn't a horse that you got it.

Not exactly, says Wittgenstein. There was no horse for it not to be.

That's what I meant, says Sweezus. Not a horse is the same thing as no horse. 

Not at all, says Wittgenstein. No horse means that there is no horse, not a horse means it's something other.

Like a rock, says Terence. 

In this case, says Wittgenstein.

Yeah, well do you like it? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Terence, I do like it. Now I've got a rock and a medal.

My medal, says Roo-kai.

I know, says Terence. You can have it back when my horse comes.

Your horse isn't coming, says Sweezus.

Not yet, says Terence. When's Christmas?

Sweezus looks at the calendar app on his phone.

It doesn't matter, says Gaius. As if we could take a horse to Taree!

Yeah, says Sweezus. We can't take a horse to Taree.

There'll be horses there, says Verlaine. It's the country.

THIS is the country, says Terence.

But it's not Christmas yet, says Sweezus.

Arthur is shaking his head.

Or ever, adds Sweezus. That crystal was it.

Perhaps it will turn out to be a wishing crystal, says Verlaine. For good boys, good things happen.

Not always, says Arthur.

That was many years ago, says Verlaine. And the bullet was removed, with no adverse consequences, was it not?

Arthur says nothing. 

Perhaps not, says Verlaine.

Yay, says Terence. A wishing crystal!

Perhaps not, says Sweezus.

A Confusion Of Horse

Verlaine has finished his Jamaican Surprise.

Are you staying in Broken Hill? asks Gaius.

Yes, until after Christmas, says Verlaine. Are you staying?

No, says Gaius. We must push on. Frogs to count and so on.

Then I must amuse myself it seems, says Verlaine.

There's these cool sculptures, down Nine Mile Road, says Sweezus. And qu....

He stops before mentioning the quartz outcrops, in case Terence is listening.

But Terence isn't listening.

He is examining Roo-kai's new medal.

Can I try it on?

Yes, says Roo-kai.

Terence lifts the medal on its ribbon from the neck of Roo-kai, and tries to force it over his own cement curls.

Don't force it, little buddy, says Sweezus. You'll rip the ribbon.

There is an opening at the back, says Verlaine. For use in the case of chevaliers who are not parrots, or other bird species. 

And indeed, there is a tiny opening at the back, that closes with velcro.

Now Terence is wearing the medal.

What's a chevalier? asks Terence.

A knight, says Gaius.

That is, a noble person who rides a horse, says Wittgenstein. Just in case you were thinking it was a certain time of day, to be specific, the time when most of us are sleeping, although not those of us who are rigid.

That's not always the case, says Sweezus

You will have thoroughly confused him, says Gaius.

A sleeping horse! cries Terence.

Quad erat demonstrandum, says Gaius. 

Do I get a horse? asks Terence.

It's not your medal, says Arthur.

Do I get a horse? asks Roo-kai.

A big one? says Terence.

No, says Verlaine. The French government does not like to draw too much attention to its Chevaliers des Clandestines.

I can understand that, says Roo-kai.

But Roo-kai got a present and I didn't, says Terence.

Who's wearing it? asks Roo-kai.

But Terence looks sad.

I've got you something for Christmas, says Sweezus, relenting. 

Yay! cries Terence. What is it? When can I have it?

After I've washed it, says Sweezus.

Terence brightens. After he's washed it! 

It must be a horse!

Jamaican Surprise

The Frenchman approaches their table.

Arthur sucks his Mars Bar milkshake noisily, through a red straw.

It is many years, says the Frenchman, directly to Arthur.

It is, says Arthur. Is that a wrapped fish?

Do not fear, says the Frenchman. I have only this one.

Arthur shrugs. 

He did not want a dead fish fight.

Hey, says Sweezus. 

Hey, says Terence.

Won't you join us? says Gaius. The milk shakes are supposedly traditional.

Not the Fruit Tingle, says Wittgenstein.

The Frenchman sits down.

He looks at the shakes menu, and considers.

Mais oui, he will try a Hawaiian Delight. Mais... non... a Jamaican Surprise.

But first, a question.

Have any of you seen a parrot?

Yes! says Terence. I've seen a parrot.

Bien! says the Frenchman. And may I ask where you have seen the parrot?

Yes, says Terence.

Where? asks the Frenchman.

Over there, says Terence, pointing at Roo-kai, near the door.

That is no parrot, says the Frenchman. You think to tease me?

No, says Gaius. The oystercatcher is Terence's parrot, Roo-kai.

Merveilleux! cries the Frenchman. Roo-kai! I have found him! Call him here. I have something to give him.

Roo-kai! calls Terence.

Roo-kai hops over.

What is it? asks Roo-kai.

I am Paul Verlaine, says the Frenchman. I am here on behalf of the president of France.

Really? says Arthur.

Oui, says Verlaine. I have given up the poetry, and the dissolute life style and now work for the French government. 

I'm not going back, says Roo-kai.

You are not required to, says Verlaine. Au contraire, I'm here to present you with a medal. 

He draws a small box from his pocket. 

Opens the box.

Inside lies a bronze medal on a red white and blue ribbon.

You are hereby elected to the order of Chevalier des Clandestines, says Verlaine. 

Roo-kai looks at his medal. 

Is that a parrot? asks Roo-kai.

We thought you were a parrot, says Verlaine. 

And I'm now a Chevalier? says Roo-kai.

Oui, says Verlaine. 

He lifts the medal from the box, and places the ribbon round the neck of Roo-kai.

Congratulations, says Verlaine.

I am honoured, says Roo-kai.

Now I'll try that Jamaican Surprise, says Verlaine.

Budgie's Blood

It's a good crystal that Arthur has spotted, and Sweezus prised out.

More like three crystals, joined together, thrusting upwards, with many smooth facets, some catching the sun.

Coolio! says Sweezus. I'll give this to Terence.

It'll be wasted on Terence, says Arthur. 

Yeah, probably, but at least it was free, says Sweezus. Who was that woman?

Just some woman, says Arthur. She knew about the sculptures. Each one tells a story.

What does that one tell? asks Sweezus, pointing towards a large rock, left natural on one side and sculpted into an abstract shape on the other.

It's up to you to work out, says Arthur.

It looks like a nose, says Sweezus.

Maybe to you, says Arthur.

What's up? asks Sweezus.

There's this French guy in Broken Hill, says Arthur. Supposedly looking for a parrot. The woman told me.

So what? asks Sweezus, picking specks of dirt from the crystal.

I think I know him, says Arthur. And he knows me.

In a good or a bad way? asks Sweezus, licking a finger and spit polishing a facet.

Bad, says Arthur. It's Verlaine. He was buying a fish.

Verlaine? says Sweezus. Didn't he nearly kill you that time?

Yes, says Arthur. That's him.

Yeah well, we have to meet Gaius and the others at the Milk Bar, says Sweezus. But then, we'll all head out of town.

Okay, says Arthur. 

They drive back down Nine Mile Road to Bell's Milk Bar.

The camper is parked outside.

They enter Bell's Milk Bar, which looks like an  old-fashioned milk bar, with original chrome fittings, 1950s music and fifty traditional flavours of milk shake.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Terence and Roo-kai are established inside.

Guess what this is? says Terence.

Hello little buddy, says Sweezus. Dunno, strawberry?

Budgie's Blood! says Terence.

Bodgie's Blood, says Gaius. But never mind. Where have you been?

Avoiding a Frenchman with a fish, says Sweezus. 

Easy to do, I imagine, says Wittgenstein.

Not that easy, says Arthur. He might be looking for me.

Never mind, says Gaius. He's not in here. Why not order a milk shake? 

Sweezus orders a Peppermint Eclair milkshake.

Arthur orders the Mars Bar.

Mine is a Snow Cap, says Gaius.

This one's a Fruit Tingle, says Wittgenstein. Not quite what I expected.

Roo-kai is sipping water from a bowl near the door. 

The door opens and in walks a Frenchman. thinning on top, moustache, skinny, carrying a package.

Time And Light

I'll look for quartz crystals, says Sweezus. You look at the sculptures.

He heads off towards a quartz outcrop.

Arthur heads for a rock.

It's a rock on a rock.

Perhaps it's a sculpture.

Perhaps it's a rock on a rock.

Great, aren't they, says a woman, in a blue bucket hat.

Great, says Arthur.

And to see them out here, says the woman. Amazing. Each one tells a story.

Is this one of them? asks Arthur.

Yes, says the woman. It's all about balance. My favourite's the one over there.

She points to an upended sandstone, carved into chunky angles.

Angles of the Sun and the Moon, says the woman.

That's what it looks like, says Arthur.

It measures time and light, says the woman. Have you lost someone?

No, says Arthur. 

You keep looking behind you, says the woman. 

That's my friend over there, says Arthur, indicating Sweezus at the outcrop. He's looking for crystals. I should go and help him.

He won't find any good ones, says the woman. 

But I might, says Arthur.

He wants to get away from the woman.

But she follows.

Are you French? asks the woman.

Yes, says Arthur. 

There's a French guy in Broken Hill who's looking for a parrot, says the woman.

Is there? says Arthur.

Yes, says the woman. Just thought I'd tell you.

Thanks, says Arthur. What does he look like?

Thinning on top, moustache, skinny, says the woman.

Where was he? asks Arthur.

In the supermarket, says the woman. Buying a fish

That sounds like him, mutters Arthur.

He heads over to the quartz outcrop.

Look! says Sweezus. What do you reckon?

He holds up a dirty rock crystal with uneven terminations. 

Needs some work, says Arthur. What about this one?

He has seen something glinting nearby. He kicks it.

Ouch. 

Sweezus prises it out.

Into The Living Desert

Arthur returns from the supermarket, with a large salad container.

What'd you get? asks Sweezus.

Cheese slaw, says Arthur. 

Never heard of it, says Sweezus.

It's a Broken Hill special, says Arthur. Cabbage, carrot, cheddar cheese.

Like, what, they invented it? says Sweezus.

That's what they said in the deli, says Arthur. 

Cabbage and cheese, says Sweezus. Any dressing?

Arthur takes the lid off the container and examines the cheese slaw.

Looks like it, says Arthur. Dig in.

What with? asks Sweezus.

Fingers, says Arthur.

They eat the cheese slaw with their fingers. 

It's kind of okay.

Did you see any gift shops? asks Sweezus.

Wasn't looking, says Arthur. 

Terence wants a present, says Sweezus.

Why? asks Arthur, licking the dressing from his fingers.

This guy called Dazza told him it was Christmas, says Sweezus.

Dazza, says Arthur. What would he know?

Yeah, but it soon will be, says Sweezus. Next week. I can't pretend I've forgotten.

It's not like it's Terence's birthday, says Arthur.

True, says Sweezus. Anyway, we've got two hours to kill. Wanna help me look for a gift shop?

You've got all week, says Arthur. 

Okay, says Sweezus. What then?

Twelve k's down Nine Mile Road, there's the Living Desert Sculptures, says Arthur.

Bet they're heaps lame, says Sweezus.

And a mine site, says Arthur. And quartz outcrops. 

Okay, says Sweezus. If I find a good piece of quartz there I'll give it to Terence.  

They get in the Mazda Miata and head off down Nine Mile Road.

Perhaps the sculptures will not be heaps lame.

Perhaps they'll find a cool piece of quartz.

Perhaps we'll find out why Arthur, who is not into desert sculptures or quartz, really wanted to go there.

Understanding The Present

We must be off, says Gaius. Thanks again, Dazza.

No worries, says Dazza. Good luck at the border.

Thank you, says Gaius. 

And have a good Christmas, says Dazza.

Hum, says Gaius. You too.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Terence and Roo-kai exit the pub and climb into the camper.

Wittgenstein will be driving.

Now, says Gaius. Before you start, Ludwig, would you mind calling Sweezus again?

Wittgenstein calls Sweezus's number.

Yeah, what's up? says Sweezus.

Gaius wants a word, says Wittgenstein.

He hands Gaius the phone.

Is Arthur there? asks Gaius.

He's at the supermarket, says Sweezus. 

Never mind, says Gaius. What was it like at the border?

Sweet, says Sweezus. We didn't even have to make a declaration. 

That is good news, says Gaius. We're just leaving Yunta. We'll be at Broken hill in just over two hours.

Can I talk to him? asks Terence.

Terence wants a word, says Gaius.

Cool, says Sweezus. Put him on.

Guess what? says Terence. It's Christmas. And I get a present.

Who told you that? asks Sweezus.

Dazza, says Terence. 

A present, says Sweezus. 

He didn't say a present, says Terence. 

It's a week away, says Sweezus. 

Don't forget, says Terence.

Sure, little buddy, says Sweezus. See ya.

Yay! says Terence, as Gaius takes back the phone, and returns it to Wittgenstein's pocket. I get a present.

From Sweezus? says Gaius.

YES! says Terence. I asked him.

You didn't ask him, says Wittgenstein. You said I get a present. Consider what that means.

No need for that sort of conundrum, says Gaius. 

What does it mean? asks Terence.

The present could be coming from anywhere, says Wittgenstein. Someone else may have bought it.

That would be good, says Terence. 

Not if they haven't, says Wittgenstein. And Sweezus assumes that they have.

Wah! cries Terence. Then I don't get one!

Exactly, says Wittgenstein. You must think about what you're saying

Not necessarily, says Gaius. 

Yes, necessarily, says Wittgenstein.

I mean that he won't necessarily not get one, says Gaius.

Do I get one or don't I? asks Terence.

Don't worry, you will get one, says Roo-kai.

(Everyone should have such a parrot).

More To Is Than Its Isness

Yunta.

This is me, says Dazza, parking the camper outside the pub.

You've been most helpful, says Gaius. Can I buy you a drink as a thank you?

Thanks mate, says Dazza.

They all go inside.

Dazza! says someone. What brings you here?

Givin' these fellas a lift, says Dazza. 

Gaius orders two cold beers and a soft drink for Wittgenstein, who will henceforth be driving.

Where're they headed? asks Dazza's acquaintance.

Broken Hill. Then on to Taree, says Dazza.

Might be queues at the border, says the acquaintance.

Yup, says Dazza. But Taree's where the frogs are.

Particular frogs, explains Gaius.

He places the drinks on a table.

What do I get? asks Terence.

A squash, says Gaius. He goes back to the bar to buy Terence a squash.

It's the wrong colour, says Terence.

It is what it is, says Dazza.

Wittgenstein sighs.

There is so much more to is than just isness.

Like, what is the wrong colour? Should he come out with it?

No. He has other things to consider,

Sweezus and Arthur have basically hijacked his car. And he can't get in touch with them.

Nor can Gaius.

Why the long face? asks Dazza.

I should have got Sweezus's number, says Wittgenstein.

Do you have the number of someone who knows it? asks Dazza.

A clever suggestion, says Gaius. What about Vello?

Of course! says Wittgenstein. He calls Vello.

What is it? grumbles Vello.

I need Sweezus's number, says Wittgenstein.

Why don't you have it? asks Vello. Hasn't he ever called you? Look at your recents.

Just give me the number, says Wittgenstein. He's gone off in my car.

Ha ha! laughs Vello, and gives him the number.

Wittgenstein calls Sweezus.

Hey! says Sweezus. Where are you guys? 

Yunta, says Wittgenstein.

Yunta! says Sweezus. We're nearly at Broken Hill. What's the hold-up?

We're on our way, says Wittgenstein.

Have they crossed the border? asks Gaius.

I suppose so, says Wittgenstein.

That will be due to Arthur, says Gaius. We may not be so lucky.

I'm DEFINITELY not lucky, says Terence, staring hard at his pale yellow squash.

Where Trees Look like Sausages

The Mazda whizzes through Yunta, without stopping.

Arthur is regretful.

 Got any snacks? asks Arthur.

Dunno, says Sweezus.

Wittgenstein took the Pringles, says Arthur.

Bummer, says Sweezus. Gaius had snacks.

What did he have ? asks Arthur.

Muesli bars, lettuce, an onion, says Sweezus. Shall we let them catch up?

No, says Arthur. I like going fast. What's the next town and how far away is it?

Tikalina, says Sweezus. An hour.

He accelerates. 

Arthur is getting hungrier. 

The trees look like sausages. The creek beds, like bacon. The rocks look like oysters.

Water? says Sweezus.

Thanks! says Arthur. Are we there yet?

Not yet, says Sweezus.

......

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Dazza. But be ready. Blink and you'll miss it.

I won't miss it, says Terence. 

He never blinks, says Roo-kai.

You don't say, says Dazza. He'd be good at that game.

What game? asks Terence.

The blinking game, says Dazza. You stare at each other and see who blinks first.

Who wants to play it? asks Terence.

No one, says Wittgenstein.

Do I win something? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. Because you could be said to be cheating.

Can he close his eyes or can't he? asks Dazza.

Yes, says Terence. Watch me.

He tries, and gives up fairly quickly.

Let's have a different competition, says Terence. Who sees Yumbo first.

It's not Yumbo, says Dazza. 

This is the next verse of my song, says Terence. Yumbo! Where is Yumbo? People who blink do not know!

It's Yunta, says Dazza.

Where? asks Terence.

We're not there yet, says Dazza.

You're going to be said to be cheating, says Terence.

Inadequate Country Wisdom

This is Dazza, says Roo-kai. He's going to drive us to Yunta.

Wonderful, says Gaius.  Does he have a license?

Course I've got a licence, says Dazza. 

And you haven't been drinking? asks Gaius.

No, says Dazza. Nice camper.

It belongs to a friend of a friend, says Gaius.

A girl, I reckon, says Dazza. Judging by the flowers.

The friend of the friend is, says Gaius. The friend isn't.

Was it one of the guys in the Mazda Miata? asks Dazza.

Yes, says Gaius. One of them. They are our colleaugues. The Mazda Miata is a hired car.

How come? asks Dazza. 

Ludwig wanted to hire a two seater, says Gaius. 

I'm Ludwig, says Wittgenstein. Can we get going?

Dazza gets in, turns the key, revs the engine, and gets going.

He does not drive quickly.

Can we trouble you to drive faster? asks Wittgenstein.  

We'll get there when we get there, says Dazza.

That's good, says Terence.

Dazza looks at Terence in the rear view mirror.

Yeah, says Dazza. That's what I reckon. It is what it is.

Is that some of your country wisdom? asks Wittgenstein.

Is everything what it is? asks Terence.

Yep, says Dazza. Always.

Hah! says Terence. What am I?

A kid, says Dazza. 

Right, says Terence. What's my parrot?

There is no parrot, says Dazza. Only an oystercatcher. You can't trick me.

That's enough, says Gaius. How will you get back from Yunta?

Bazza, says Dazza. He'll come and get me. But I might hang about a bit in Yunta.

Is it a big town? asks Wittgenstein. 

Used to be bigger, says Dazza. The gold rush, the railways....

He IS a parrot, says Terence. Ask him if he's a parrot.

Dazza, looks pained.

He thinks he knows a parrot.

Are you a parrot? asks Dazza.

Currently, yes, says Roo-kai.

What does that mean? asks Dazza. 

Your country wisdom is inadequate, says Wittgenstein. 

Dazza decides to change the subject.

Where are you guys headed, after Yunta?

Broken Hill, says Gaius. Then Taree.

You goin' over the border? asks Dazza. Got your papers?

Papers, what papers? asks Gaius.

Vaccination certificates and permissions, says Dazza. Negative test results. All that stuff.

Curses, says Gaius. Will you drive faster? I need to catch up to Arthur.

Is he stopping in Yunta? asks Dazza.

I don't know, says Gaius. And I don't have my phone, so I can't call him.

Dazza looks across at Wittgenstein.

I don't know his number, says Wittgenstein.

Jeeez! says Dazza.

Bazza And Dazza

Quiet town, says Wittgenstein.

Something'll be open, says Arthur.

They drive through slowly, past the rotunda and steam train.

 Hotel, says Wittgenstein. Pity we're driving.

We're not both driving, says Arthur.

He pulls up and goes into the bottle shop, coming out with a six pack.

Here, says Arthur. Have a drink. And some Pringles.

Wait, says Wittgenstein. What will you have?

Same as you, says Arthur. Don't worry, I won't lose my license.

Sorry, says Wittgenstein. You're not drinking and driving.

Okay, says Arthur. We'll just wait here a while.

They open the cans, and the Pringles.

And so it is that they are still outside the pub when the campervan pulls in behind them.

Sweezus gets out.

You guys! says Sweezus. Drinking and driving.

Do we look like we're driving? says Arthur.

No, says Sweezus. And you're not going to. I'll drive the Mazda. Gaius'll have to drive the camper. 

You and me, says Wittgenstein.

Me and Arthur, says Sweezus.

But I hired this car, says Wittgenstein. I'm responsible...

Don't worry, says Sweezus. And you'll like being in the camper. Terence is heaps entertaining.

So it is decided. Sweezus goes into the pub for two bottles of water.

Then he and Arthur set off towards Yunta.

Cool car, says Sweezus. 

He puts his foot down. 

I didn't tell him I don't have a licence, says Arthur.

Yeah, good one, says Sweezus.

Wittgenstein climbs into the camper.

Are you driving? asks Gaius.

No, you are, says Wittgenstein.

This puts me in bit of a spot, says Gaius.

Don't you have a licence? asks Wittgenstein.

Hum, let me see, says Gaius. I don't usually.....

He pulls out his wallet.

Ah yes, It might be a bit out of date, though.

Never mind, says Wittgenstein. It's only till Yunta. 

No, says Gaius. I won't risk driving without a current license.

So we're stuck here in what's-this-place, says Wittgenstein. Until I blow sober.

Drat, says Gaius.

Maybe I can help, says Roo-kai.

You are a bird, says Wittgenstein.

A parrot, says Terence. He can do anything.

Thank you, says Roo-kai. 

Except drive a vehicle, says Gaius.

Fear not, says Roo-kai. Just give me a moment.

He hops out of the camper, and into the pub.

Anyone willing to drive us to Yunta? asks Roo-kai. We have our own van.

A few punters perk up on their bar stools.

Maybe Dazza, says one. 

Has he got a license? asks Roo-kai.

Yeah I have, says Dazza. when're you leavin'?

Now, says Roo-kai. Wait, have you been drinking?

No way, says Dazza. This is mineral water. How'll I get back?

I'll come 'n get ya, says another punter. Just text me.

Thanks Bazza, says Dazza.

Thanks Bazza and Dazza says Roo-kai.

No worries. We look after each other in the country, says Bazza.

See ya, says Dazza. Don't put too many away, Bazza.

As if, says Bazza, winking unreliably.

Roo-kai is not sure about Bazza.

But there have to be limits, and he has decided to set his at Dazza.

 

Lettuce Pretend

Roo-kai pretends to be enjoying his lettuce.

More lettuce? asks Gaius.

Thank you, but no, says Roo-kai.

Go on, says Terence. No one else wants it.

Too right, says Sweezus. 

I expect it reminds you of seaweed, says Gaius.

Not me, says Sweezus.

Roo-kai, says Gaius. 

In looks only, says Roo-kai. 

They have long since passed through Port Wakefield, which appeared to be closed.

Terence continues to add to his song

o no it's a kimodo not a commodo I can't go so I'll open the drawers

That makes no sense whatsoever, says Sweezus.

A commodo is drawers, says Terence.

And drawers are underpants, says Gaius. It's quite clever really.

See, says Terence.

Enjoying the trip, Roo-kai? asks Sweezus.

I usually fly, says Roo-kai.

....

The Mazda Miata has sped through Port Wakefield and entered some hills.

Everything looks brownish-yellow. Except for the sky which is blue.

Do you drive? asks Wittgenstein. 

I have done it, says Arthur.

Meaning? asks Wittgenstein

(he seems keen on meanings)

I drove Katherine's car once, says Arthur. 

Katherine? David's mother?

That's her. It made a low squealing sound when she put the brakes on. So she asked me to test it.

And did it still make the squealing sound? asks Wittgenstein.

Not for me, says Arthur. 

Would you like to drive this one? asks Wittgenstein. 

Okay, says Arthur.

They stop and change seats.

Wittgenstein is about to find out why Katherine's car did not squeal with the brakes on.

In less time than expected, they pull into Peterborough.

They look for a café.

It's a week day, but the cafés are closed.

Before I Explodo

Why is that funny? asks Terence.

Commode? says Roo-kai. It's a kind of dragon. 

That's a kimodo, says Gaius. 

Which doesn't rhyme with explode, says Roo-kai. 

Explodo, says Terence.

Or road, says Sweezus. 

Roado, says Terence.

Do you know what a commode is? asks Gaius.

Nodo, says Terence. 

Are you going to keep doing that? asks Sweezus.

What's a commodo? asks Terence.

You mean a commode, says Gaius. It's a seat with a concealed chamber pot in it.

What's a chamber pot? asks Terence.

A potty, says Sweezus. Babies pee in them. They...

I know, says Terence. Now I get why it's funny.

Good , says Gaius. But did you know that a commode can also be an ornate chest of drawers?

No kidding? says Sweezus. 

A popular piece of furniture in the eighteenth century, says Gaius. A commode. From the French commode, and the Latin commodius.

Want to hear the rest of my song now? asks Terence.

Roado roado stop the car there's a commodo I need to pee before I explodo, o no it's a dragon kimodo...

That's enough! says Gaius. How about we all have a snack while we're driving. Muesli bar, Sweezus?

Thanks, says Sweezus.

What can I have ? asks Terence.

Black currant Fruit Box, says Gaius. And I'll have an apple.

What about me? asks Roo-kai.

Will lettuce suit you? asks Gaius.

.....

While they refresh themselves, let us visit the Mazda Miata where the conversation is sure to be more intellectual.

Wittgenstein: I look forward to surfing.

Arthur: I bet you do.

Wittgenstein: Interesting you should say I bet you do

Arthur: And not what?

Wittgenstein: Not me too.

Arthur: That's your thing, is it?

Wittgenstein: Meaning?

Arthur: Trapping the fly in the fly bottle.

Wittgenstein: No, you have the wrong end of the stick.

Arthur: Let it out then.

Wittgenstein: The stick? Why would there be a stick in the fly bottle?

Arthur: I'm not saying there would. I was thinking more of the fly.

Wittgenstein: And what is the fly in this scenario?

Arthur: A confusion of meaning.

Wittgenstein: While letting it out is the key to understanding.

Arthur: Did people really come to your lectures?

Wittgenstein: You bet they did.

Well.

This is a bit TOO intellectual. 

And we're not even close to Port Wakefield.

Why don't we head back to the campervan, where Roo-kai is enjoying his lettuce.

Ode To The Road

Gaius's phone rings again.

Ring ring.

Ageless answers. What now?

It's SA Health here, please turn on your face app.

It's on, says Ageless.

Why do you look like a unicorn? asks the officer.

Personal reasons, says Ageless. Wait a minute I'll fix it.

He fiddles.

How about now?

You have antennae, says the officer. What's that about?

Excuse me a moment, says Ageless.

He scrambles down from the window sill, and scuttles across to the table.

He stands in front of the devil's ivy. 

Is this better?

Can't see the antennae, says the officer. And I can see you're at home. But, do you need a doctor?

No, says Ageless. Thank you.

He is doing his best to sound like Gaius.

It's good that it worked this time, says the officer. It fails occasionally.

I know. Did I pass? asks Ageless.

Yes, sir, says the officer. Only two days to go, then you'll regain your freedom.

Good, says Ageless.

The call ends. The officer laughs.

Funny guy, that Gaius.

Ageless laughs also.

That went well. 

.......

The camper turns onto Portrush Road, and heads north

I take it you know where you're going? says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Port Wakefield, Peterborough, Yunta, Broken Hill. Six hours driving.

Six hours! says Terence. Without stopping?

Except for toilet breaks, says Sweezus.

Terence looks at Roo-kai.

I'll keep you amused, says Roo-kai.

Go on, says Terence.

Let's play what-if, says Roo-kai.

What if we don't? says Terence.

Then we don't, says Roo-kai.

That was me playing, says Terence. Keep going

I've got one, says Sweezus. What if  Ageless has the unicorn app on when SA Health calls?

That's just what I fear, says Gaius. And what if the dratted thing works and I'm rumbled?

And yeah, says Sweezus, what if they send someone round to check on you in person?

This is a STUPID game! says Terence.

I agree, says Roo-kai. What if we sing a travelling song?

Yes! says Terence. Me first: 

Road, road, six hours of road! Give us a toilet break before we explode!

Not yet, surely, says Gaius.

It's a SONG, says Terence. And it's not finished. What else rhymes with road?

Commode, says Gaius.

Everyone laughs except Terence.

Ageless In Unicorn Mode

Arthur gets into the Mazda Miata with Wittgenstein.

Sweezus will be driving the camper.

Wait, says Gaius. I haven't left Ageless instructions.

He gets down from the camper, and goes back inside.

And I haven't brought any food either, thinks Gaius, as he reaches the kitchen.

Passionate noises come from somewhere near the window. 

crik...crikk...ahh...ooh...make it longer...beloved.... it can't be any longer!

Probably Ageless has switched on the unicorn app again, thinks Gaius. I won't interrupt him.

He goes into the pantry and grabs a few items.

A couple of oranges, an apple and an onion. A packet of muesli bars, unopened. 

Mineral water, from the fridge. A blackcurrant Fruit Box. And a few leaves of lettuce in a lidded container. 

A knife. And a pencil.

He goes back outside.

Arthur and Wittgenstein have driven off already.

They wanted to get going, says Sweezus. We said we'll meet up in Broken Hill, at the Milk Bar.

Very good, says Gaius. It was lucky I went back in. I'd forgotten to bring anything to sustain us.

What'd you bring? asks Sweezus. 

Fruit, muesli bars, water, says Gaius. 

Cool, says Sweezus. Did Ageless get his instructions?

No, says Gaius. He was occupied with Kobo.

Occupied, says Sweezus. In what way?

I didn't look, says Gaius. But I believe he was in unicorn mode.

Far out! says Sweezus. Hey, why don't you call him and see.

But he has my phone, says Gaius. 

Use mine, says Sweezus, handing it over.

Gaius keys in his own number.

Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring.

He's not picking up, says Gaius.

Keep trying, says Sweezus.

At last, an answer. 

Hello, this is Gaius, rasps Ageless .

Ageless it's me.

Is it? croaks Ageless. 

Yes. I forgot to give you instructions. In two days time, I want you to post my phone to the Post Office in Taree.

Certainly, says Ageless. Arghh!

Very funny, says Gaius. Please switch over to Face Time.

Nu...uh...uh...criiiiikkkk! utters Ageless, after which everything goes silent.

The Red Roadster

Ding dong. It's the doorbell. 

Gaius opens.

Hey, Gaius! says Sweezus. You remember Ludwig?

Of course, says Gaius. From some time ago.

Good to see you again, says Wittgenstein. Was it.... at the paintball?

I think not, says Gaius. I generally avoid paintball. It was most likely digging for fossils.

Ah yes, it was fossils, says Wittgenstein. 

Have you brought the vehicles? asks Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. That's us there. He points to the road.

It's bin day! says Gaius. 

Shit, sorry, says Sweezus. Want us to move them?

Bring the camper into the driveway, says Gaius. Leave the red one on the road. 

Sweezus goes back to bring in the camper.

Gaudy, says Gaius.

Meaning? says Wittgenstein.

Colourful, says Gaius. Painted gaily with flowers.

Easy to follow, says Wittgenstein.

Indeed, says Gaius. How do you like frogs?

Silent, says Wittgenstein.

Then you will be in your element, says Gaius. We'll be looking for dead ones.

I thought we were going surfing, says Wittgenstein.

Not in Taree, says Gaius. It's seventeen kilometres from the coast.

That's where my little roadster will be useful, says Wittgenstein.

You hired it? asks Gaius.

Always wanted to drive a little reds sports car, says Wittgenstein. 

Hum, says Gaius. You must have a job to get in it.

I did, says Wittgenstein. Until I set the seat back.

Sweezus has brought the gaudy campervan into the drive.

Arthur and Terence have come out to see it.

Are we sleeping in it? asks Terence.

It sleeps four, says Sweezus. Midge says it's heaps comfy.

Four. But Terence makes five.

You don't sleep, says Sweezus. 

I still want a bed, says Terence.

I won't be using mine much, says Arthur.  You can have it.

And there's a one man tent, says Sweezus. In the back there. 

So everything's sorted.

Gaius gets his back pack. 

Arthur grabs his.

Terence gets into the camper, with his parrot, Roo-kai 

Wittgenstein folds himself into his little Mazda Miata.

Rolls down the window. Who's coming with me? 

Me! says Terence.

But he isn't allowed to.

Crik...Crikk

Good news, says Arthur. Ludwig's hiring a car.

Wittgenstein's coming? says Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. He wants to learn surfing.

That IS good news, says Gaius. Will it be big enough?

I suppose so, says Arthur. There's only you, me, him and Sweezus.

And me, says Terence. And Roo-kai.

I'll call him again, says Arthur.

He calls Sweezus again.

Yeah bro? says Sweezus.

This car Ludwig's hiring, says Arthur. Does he know Terence is coming?

It's a two seater, says Sweezus.

Bit tight, says Arthur.

Sporty, says Sweezus. Yeah I bet Terence wants a turn in it.

A turn, says Arthur. Aren't we all going together?

Yeah, says Sweezus. No worries. I called Midge as well. She's bringing her van over. 

SurFink? says Arthur.

Nah, she's got a new one, says Sweezus. It's like, a proper camper. 

Is she coming? asks Arthur.

Nup, says Sweezus. We're borrowing it. We just have to pay for the petrol.

Great, says Arthur.

And clean it, says Sweezus.

When? asks Arthur.

At the end, says Sweezus.

I mean when do we get it? asks Arthur. And the two seater.

This arvo, says Sweezus. We'll come round. We can head off tonight. See ya.

......

More good news, says Arthur. We're getting two vehicles, a two seater and a camper.

Excellent! says Gaius. When?

This afternoon, says Arthur.

Yay! cries Terence.

I must pack, says Gaius.

He hastens to his bedroom, and starts opening drawers.

...

Ageless looks at Kobo.

We'll soon be alone, my beloved.

With Gaius's phone, says Kobo. You can turn on the unicorn face app.

You liked that? asks Ageless.

Kobo, who is normally cool and creamy, turns a bit pinker.

Crik..crikk.. says Ageless.

Not yet, be patient, says Kobo.

I can be patient, says Ageless. As long as...

Don't fiddle with it, says Arthur. You might lose the settings.

Too Old For Surfing

Arthur calls Sweezus.

What's up? says Sweezus. When are we leaving?

Any time. We just need a vehicle, says Arthur.

Ask Midge, says Sweezus. She's got that big van.

I'm not sleeping in that, says Arthur.

You don't have to, says Sweezus. But the rest of us can. 

Okay, says Arthur. You ask her. I'll ask Katherine.

No way! says Sweezus. She'll want to come.

Not surfing, says Arthur.

Yeah, no, she's too old for surfing, says Sweezus. But I bet she likes frogs. And what if Margaret finds out we're going?

Okay, says Arthur. I won't ask Katherine.

Hang on a minute, says Sweezus. 

Arthur hangs on.

He hears a muffled conversation.

if Im cmg id lk to mk a cntbn

naa yewellok

hracarhwwdthtbe

brilliant! hey Arthur.!

What? asks Arthur.

Ludwig's gonna hire us a car.

Great, says Arthur. Who's Ludwig?

You remember, says Sweezus. Wittgenstein. I'm interviewing him for Velosophy. He wants to learn how to surf, so he's coming.

And he's paying? asks Arthur.

Yeah he's paying, says Sweezus.

And is he double vaxxed? asks Arthur.

Yeah I reckon, says Sweezus. 

And does he have the vax certificate on his phone? asks Arthur.

Shit Arthur, I don't even have that, says Sweezus. Have you tried to download it?

No, says Arthur. 

Isn't Gaius still in quarantine? asks Sweezus.

We've got round it, says Arthur. Ageless is controlling his phone.

Like that's going to work, says Sweezus. 

You should see how he looks on the face app, says Arthur. I set it up so he looks just like Gaius.

Geez, Arthur, says Sweezus. 

He sounds quite admiring.

Arthur likes that.

Vigorous And Thrusting

Excellent, says Gaius. What do you think, Roo-kai?

Assuming I'd be under pressure, says Roo-kai, and have many home quarantiners to get through, I believe I'd find Ageless convincing. 

As long as he stands in front of the devil's ivy, says Arthur.

Yes, he must, says Roo-kai.

Remember that, Ageless, says Gaius.

Ageless is not paying attention. He is looking at Kobo.

What is she thinking? He can't see her face.

Beloved, says Ageless. How is it?

Better, says Kobo, But I don't trust it. It is vigorous and thrusting.

I know, says Ageless. I sent it sprawling, with little effect. 

You could buy time, says Kobo, by crushing the end with your pincher.

Dearest, says Ageless. One of my claws is a crusher, the other a pincher. Make up your mind.

AGELESS! says Gaius. Are you listening?

Yes, says Ageless. 

What must you remember? asks Gaius.

Turtle, hair and beauty feature, says Ageless. And wear a red woolly hat.

I knew you weren't paying attention, says Gaius.

Stand in front of the devil's ivy, when answering the phone, says Arthur.

You expect me to remain on the draining board? says Ageless. Near the taps? With a smart phone?

I'll move the ivy, says Gaius. Pity. It's been doing well there.

He moves the devil's ivy to the kitchen table. 

Now, says Gaius, we must plan our route to Taree. Arthur?

Fly to Sydney, then fly to Taree on a regional airline, says Arthur.

Hum, says Gaius. That will be expensive, and could also be risky.

Train to Sydney, says Arthur. Also expensive. Bus is cheaper, but can take up to thirty five hours. 

Perhaps we could cadge a lift with someone, says Gaius.

Sure, says Arthur. I'll find someone.

Arthur is always reliable.

So he certainly will.

Have I Killed It?

Gaius looks again at the screen shot of Ageless, as him.

Is it convincing? asks Gaius. What do you think, Roo-kai?

Roo-kai looks at the screen shot.

Umm.... says Roo-kai.

Be candid, says Gaius.

Right, says Roo-kai. I'm going to imagine I'm a person whose job is to check whether people in quarantine are really at home. I'm very busy, at the moment, because border restrictions have changed....

You are being very thorough, says Gaius. Continue.

I call your number, you answer, says Roo-kai

Ageless answers, says Gaius.

What does he say? asks Roo-kai.

Ask him, says Gaius.

Ageless, what do you say? asks Roo-kai

Ageless is busy on the window sill, rearranging the devil's ivy, and does not reply.

Hello, says Gaius.

Are you pretending to be him? asks Roo-kai.

Of course, says Gaius. Although ideally, there should be no detectable difference.

Ageless has a raspier voice, says Roo-kai.

There's no voice recognition, says Arthur. 

I hope you're sure of that, says Roo-kai.

Get on with it, says Gaius. At this rate my time in quarantine will be finished.

Please turn on your facial recognition app, says Roo-kai.

No, says Gaius. It only works once or twice out of ten. Just take a look at this screen shot.

Very well, says Roo-kai. But normally, I'd expect you to try it.

He glances quickly at the screen shot.

Grey hair, check, round face, check, ironed-out wrinkles, check, antennae.... 

The antennae may or may not be a problem, says Roo-kai.

Get Ageless to wear a hat, says Arthur. Has he still got that woolly red one?

It should be one of my hats, says Gaius.

You've only got one hat, says Arthur. And you'll need it.

Never mind, says Roo-kai. Get Ageless to stand in front of a wall hanging or something. The antennae won't be noticed.

But Gaius does not own a wall hanging. 

Crash! 

The devil's ivy crashes onto the draining board.

Oops, sorry, says Ageless. Have I killed it?

Not at all, says Gaius. It's almost impossible to kill it.

Ageless attempts to right the devil's ivy.

He shoves it back onto the window sill, and turns. 

The devil's ivy trails gracefully downwards behind him.

A busy background. 

You cannot discern his antennae.

Slick Little Cream Bun

Show him, Arthur, says Gaius.

Ageless starts backing away.

Not your actual face, says Arthur. It's a phone app, for altering your face in your photos.

Ageless draws closer.

Arthur points his camera at Ageless.

Now, says Arthur, I'll just turn this on. What kind of animal do you want to be?

What is there? asks Ageless.

Lion, dog, pussy cat, unicorn, says Arthur.

None of which will help, says Gaius. Can he be made to look like a human?

Unicorn! says Ageless.

Arthur proceeds to make Ageless look like a unicorn.

Ha ha ! laughs unicorn Ageless. 

Let me see! says Terence.

Kobo, in the washing up water, would dearly love to see her long-time suitor as a unicorn.

Will she risk it? 

She will. She calls out:

I'm finished!

Kobo has finished her ablutions, says Gaius. I'll lift her out.

He lifts Kobo out of the sink, and places her on a tea towel.

Beloved! cries Ageless. How beautiful you are when you're dripping.

Ageless, says Kobo, come closer. Oh, how disappointing!

Did you expect me to look like a unicorn, my slick little cream bun? asks Ageless.

I'm not your slick little cream bun, says Kobo. And yes.

It's only on the screen! says Ageless. Look at it, not me. See my long horn!

Kobo is half shocked, half delighted, but judges it best to pretend to be neither.

Mm, says Kobo. 

Which is enough. 

Ageless is excited.

Come, says Gaius. Enough of this unicorn business. Try and make him look like me.

Arthur calls up turtle mode, followed by beauty mode.

Contrary to what might be expected, this has the effect of making Ageless look very like Gaius. A wrinkled turtle with the wrinkles ironed out. Round turtle eyes. All that's needed is the hair.

Will hair mode work in conjunction with turtle and beauty modes?

Could be a problem.

But no.

Arthur succeeds, where anyone else might have failed.

He looks like Gaius! says Terence. Grey hair and everything!

Let me see, says Gaius. Grey hair. Well yes, I suppose so. 

How To Alter A Face

Baby Pierre is not back yet.

He has stopped at the State Library, to see Ageless lobster.

Baby Pierre leaves his tiny bicycle in a tiny bike rack, and makes his way up the stairs.

Ageless is in his usual chair.

Baby Pierre! cries Ageless. What have you been up to?

Spying, says Baby Pierre. For the French government. I've just finished being a decoy. That's all I can say.

Are you still living at Gaius's? asks Ageless.

On and off, says Baby Pierre.

How is Kobo, my beloved? asks Ageless.

She's not happy, says Baby Pierre. There's a pot plant making its way towards her. 

A pot plant! says Ageless. How can this be?

It keeps growing in her direction, says Baby Pierre. 

In her direction! says Ageless. Can this not be remedied by turning the pot?

It's not as easy as that, says Baby Pierre. 

( he is right, it isn't; the plant is devil's ivy and it goes where it wants to )

Are you going back now? asks Ageless.

Yes, says Baby Pierre. 

I'll come with you, says Ageless.

I'm on my bike, says Baby Pierre.

I'll get the bus, says Ageless. 

See you there, says Baby Pierre

.......

Half an hour later, Ageless arrives at Gaius' house. 

Ageless! says Gaius. Come in! Baby Pierre let us know you were coming.

Where is my beloved? asks Ageless. 

In her usual position, says Gaius. On the window sill in the kitchen.

Take me to her! cries Ageless.

Before I do, says Gaius, I have a proposition. Say no if you think it's too risky.

Kobo! shouts Ageless.

Kobo hears him. 

Ooh! Ageless has come. And she is so dirty!

She hopes he will listen to Gaius's proposition while she tries to spruce up.

She rolls off the window sill and into the sink.

She's dropped into the washing up water, says Gaius. Give her a moment. My proposition is this: I need to travel to Taree, and then on up to Queensland.

Good luck with that, says Ageless.

I know! says Gaius. I need to get going before they close the borders due to the Omicron variant spreading so rapidly. But I've still got a few days of quarantine left. I have a most unreliable facial recognition app that they've given me. If I leave my phone here with you, will you control it?

Control it? says Ageless. What does it require?

A face, in this house, says Gaius.

Your face surely, says Ageless.

This is where you come in, says Gaius. With a face, as similar to mine as possible.

Gaius, says Ageless. I'm a lobster.

Yes, yes, says Gaius. But Arthur has shown me how to alter a face quite substantially.

He has, has he? says Ageless.

Right About The Wrong Person

Roo-kai has come back.

Terence has been waiting.

Guess what? says Terence.

What? says Roo-kai.

Nothing, says Terence. I thought you might not come back.

Well I am back, says Roo-kai. Is Baby Pierre back?

No he's not back, says Terence.

You were right then, says Roo-kai. Just about the wrong person.

You're not a person, says Terence.

Are you going to let me in or what? says Roo-kai.

Come in, says Terence. Gaius can't get his FACE app to work.

I was warned about that, says Roo-kai.

They enter the kitchen.

Arthur is watching Gaius shout rude Latin words at his phone.

Scurra! Ineptus! Nocens!

Guess what? says Terence. Roo-kai thinks he's a person.

He is in many ways similar to a person, says Gaius. 

I never claimed to be a person, says Roo-kai. I'm happy as a parrot. It's the perfect disguise.

This remark reminds Gaius about the spying.

Did Vello post the Express Post bag? asks Gaius.

No, says Roo-kai. He became entangled in a debate about the meaning of words, and wrongly addressed it.

This is serious, says Gaius. To whom did he address it?

The Presby, says Roo-kai. But don't worry. He realised his mistake.

And corrected it, I assume, says Gaius, and then posted it in one of those yellow post boxes?

Yellow, says Roo-kai.

He is thinking. I don't remember the post box being yellow.

He gave it to Sweezus to post, says Roo-kai. Because Sweezus was going out to buy bento.

What is bento? asks Gaius.

It means Japanese food in a box or, alternatively, I disagree with you, says Roo-kai. 

Hum, says Gaius. Did Vello have a fellow philosopher in his office?

Yes, says Roo-kai. Wittgenstein. 

Ludwig! says Gaius. An old acquaintance!

That's good, says Roo-kai. He might be coming with us to Taree. And by the way, those face apps don't work eight or nine times out of ten.

That's good news, says Arthur. So we can leave early. 

How do you conclude that? asks Gaius.

They'll just think it's not working, says Arthur.

After ten times out of ten, says Gaius, they are sure to become suspicious.

Nonetheless, the idea is tempting.

Stuff All Encrypted

Roo-kai slips out of the office and hops down the stairs.

He looks up and down the street, hoping to see Sweezus.

There he is, with the Express Post bag.

Roo-kai follows him, at a safe distance.

Sweezus stops at a post box. 

Drops the Express Post bag in.

And continues to Sushi Hub on the Rundle Mall corner.

Roo-kai catches up.

Hey! says Sweezus. Did I forget something?

Nothing, says Roo-kai.

You were checking on me, says Sweezus. 

I was, says Roo-kai. My future depends on that parcel.

To the President of France, says Sweezus. You a spy or something? What was on that camera?

As if a spy would post spy material to the President of France via Australia Post, says Roo-kai. Let alone allow a third party to post it.

Hell no, says Sweezus. Just saying.

It does all seem rather foolish, says Roo-kai. It's not my preferred way of sending sensitive information.

Yeah right, says Sweezus. He'd have his own spying department with stuff all encrypted and that. And, like, you could've sent what's on the camera directly. Job done. No third party the wiser.

You should be a spy, says Roo-kai. I'll remember all that for next time.

Next! says the woman behind the counter.

Two bento boxes, and .... you want anything? asks Sweezus.

Yes please, says Roo-kai.

And one fried oyster sushi roll, thanks, says Sweezus.

Fried? says Roo-kai.

You'll love it, says Sweezus.

He pays for his order. They head back to the office together.

I really should be getting back to Gaius and Terence, says Roo-kai.

Okay, yeah, says Sweezus. Wanna take your fried oyster sushi roll?

I'll pass, thanks, says Roo-kai. Give it to Vello. 

Bugger that! says Sweezus. Hey! When's Gaius heading to Queensland?

As soon as his quarantine period ends, says Roo-kai. He's got one of those apps now. 

They're pretty useless, says Sweezus. Facial ID doesn't work nine times out of then. Or eight, something like that. He could probably head off whenever.

I'll tell him, says Roo-kai. And by the way, he's going to be stopping off at Taree to look for Screaming Tree Frogs.

Taree, says Sweezus. Is that inland?

Could be, says Roo-kai.

Sweezus suspects that it is. 

Leaving Roo-kai, he heads back to the office to eat his bento and fried oyster sushi roll. Only then will he google Taree.