Pretend To Kick

Gaius returns, without fish glue.

What if my toe falls off? asks Terence.

We'll re-attach it later, says Gaius. Just remember to pick it up, if it does.

Vello looks at Hedley's mother.

Isn't that risky? asks Hedley's mother.

What do you suggest? asks Vello/

A plaster, says Hedley's mother. 

Do you have one? asks Vello.

I had one, says Hedley's mother. But I used it, on Hedley's toe.

He can share it, says Hedley, picking at the edge of his plaster.

No, he can't, says Hedley's mother. Terence will just have to be careful.

I'm always careful, says Terence. 

Sweezus comes out of the water, dumps his surf board and shakes the drops from his hair.

Where's everyone? asks Sweezus.

Good question, says Vello. We're supposed to be having a rehearsal. At least now we have you.

And me, says Gaius. I rehearsed my old man lines. Belle's gone off somewhere.

Can I help? asks Hedley's mother. What's the play? Do I know it?

Candide, says Vello. We're performing an excerpt.

Candide? says Hedley's mother. Not the one by Voltaire?

The very one, says Vello. 

I thought it was a novel, says Hedley's mother.

I've adapted it, says Vello. This year we're performing 'What They Saw In The Country Of Eldorado'.

Isn't that rather ambitious? asks Hedley's mother. 

Not at all, says Vello. We shall have minimal sets, and shorten the speeches. It's all in the acting.

Yes, says Gaius. I was hoping you might shorten the speeches.

But not mine and Hedley's! says Terence.

You don't have speeches, says Vello.

Oh surely they could say something, says Hedley's mother. This is Hedley's big chance.

Sheep don't say anything, says Vello.

Baa! says Terence.

Baa! Baa! says Hedley.

Blub-blub-blub.... says Terence. 

Why do we say that? asks Hedley.

I don't, you do, says Terence. You drown. I get rescued.

We're not going that far, says Vello. The scene ends with them being hoisted out of Eldorado by scientific machinery.

Yet to be built, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Must go to Bunnings!

But Hedley and Terence are also playing the children, says Hedley's mother. They could have some lines.

Very well, says Vello. We'll rehearse the part where Candide and Cacambo see the children kicking the gold nuggets and precious stones as though they were footballs.

Just pretend to kick, Hedley, says Hedley's mother. Remember your toe.

Hedley hesitates, thinking about how he will do it.

Terence runs at the megalodon tooth, shouting 'First one to... BUMHOLE, I KNEW IT!!'

It looks like his toe has come off.

Friendly Shark

Vello returns to the beach, with six megalon teeth, to face Hedley's mother.

Sweezus remains in the water.

Are we good now? asks Sweezus.

For the present, says Great White Teacher. Five percent of the profits. Sounds like a good deal.

I reckon, says Sweezus. Could be a fortune. 

That's what I thought, says Great White Teacher. 

Sweezus prepares to paddle out again, to catch the next wave.

Wait, says Great White Teacher. My bank details!

Sharks have bank details? asks Sweezus.

Do you think I just SWAM to Mexico? asks Great White Teacher. Trips like that take money.

Come on, says Sweezus. You're kidding.

Yes I am, says Great White Teacher. Good to see you're not stupid. How will I get paid?

However you want, says Sweezus, thinking of fish or whatever else sharks eat.

A Friendly Shark campaign, says Great White Teacher. On the television.

No one watches the television, says Sweezus.

What do you suggest then? asks Great White Teacher.

Maybe your picture on the outside of trams and buses, says Sweezus. Everyone sees them.

I'll be happy with that, says Great White Teacher. 

Coolio! says Sweezus, paddling towards the next breaker.

Great White Teacher follows him, but not for any particular reason. 

He's just going that way.

....

Vello arrives on the sand with the teeth.

Hedley's mother is dabbing at Hedley's toe.

Dear me, says Vello. What has happened?

Hedley has stubbed his toe on your prop, says Hedley's mother. 

Very careless, says Vello. Of us, I mean.

I see you have more, says Hedley's mother. Are you planning to strew them around, so these toe stubbings will continue to happen?

Not at all, says Vello. In fact, they will be painted bright colours, and used in our play.

I'm going to be in it, says Hedley. Terence asked me.

And he asked his mother, says Terence. And she said yes probably. 

Hedley goes to Theatre Bugs, so it's a great opportunity, says Hedley's mother. But I must be satisfied you fulfil all the health and safety regulations.

Of course, says Vello. Hedley will have as many protections as Terence.

My toe's cracked! says Terence.

Is it? says Vello. I suppose Gaius has gone off looking for his all-purpose fish glue.

Yes, says Terence. 

There, you see, madam, says Vello. Instantly taken care of.

Hedleys's mother does not look entirely convinced.

Blood On The Beach

Terence and Hedley both reach the megalodon tooth football at the same moment.

Both of them kick it.

Ouch!

The megalodon tooth has not moved.

But one of Terence's toes has cracked, and Hedley's big toe is bleeding.

Hedley's mother is on her way over.

....

Knee deep in the sea, Vello is waiting for Great White Teacher.

Way out beyond the breakers, he sees Sweezus gesticulating from his surfboard.

Good, thinks Vello. They are coming in together.

Sweezus surfs in, and hops off his board. 

Great White Teacher surfaces beside Vello.

I hear you have a proposition, says Vello.

I hear YOU have a proposition, says Great White Teacher.

I do not, says Vello. But Gaius mentioned a large bag of teeth.

Yeah, the teeth, says Sweezus. Great White Teacher wants to sell them.

They are worthless says Vello. 

That was the point, says Great White Teacher. They are worthless, and could be used in your production as props.

The point you appear to have missed, says Vello, is that the props represent gold nuggets and precious stones.

But am I wrong in my understanding that the people of Eldorado believe they have no value? asks Great White Teacher.

That is what they believe, says Vello. What are you suggesting?

The value of using my megalodon teeth collection is therefore doubled, says Great White Teacher.

How so? asks Vello.

They are either worthless or valuable in the play's context as gold nuggets, but also in the present day, as fossils, says Great White Teacher. It depends on who makes the evaluation. 

See why he's called Great White Teacher? says Sweezus. He's smart.

Our audience may be less smart, says Vello.

Should you not give them the benefit of the doubt? asks Great White Teacher. 

All right, says Vello. I'll take half a dozen, in exchange for five percent of the profits.

Done! says Great White Teacher. By the way I smell blood on the beach.

Vello turns to see Hedley lying on his back with one foot in the air and his mother looking angrily seawards.

Wide-Eyed And Gullible

There you are! says Vello, when Gaius returns to the shore. What is that thing?

A megalodon tooth, says Gaius, and there are many more where it came from.

We need you to play the old man, says Vello. 

In a moment, says Gaius. But first, how about using these teeth as props?

Teeth as props! says Vello. What a suggestion!

For the gold nuggets and precious stones being kicked by the children, says Gaius.

Will I be the children? asks Terence. 

There are no children, says Vello. The kicking will take place off stage.

But there could be one child, says Belle. And it could be Terence.

I could ask Hedley! says Terence.

He sees Hedley playing near his mother, in the distance.

He runs towards Hedley, before anyone can stop him.

Curses, says Vello. Now we'll have Hedley's mother to deal with.

I thought, says Gaius, we might paint the teeth various colours.

To look like gold, says Belle. And rubies, sapphires and emeralds.

None of this is necessary, says Vello.

If Hedley was in it, says Belle, all his friends would come to the show, along with their families.

Hum, says Vello.

So that's a yes? says Gaius. I need to inform Great White Teacher.

Who the dickens is Great White Teacher? asks Vello.

An enterprising shark, says Gaius. He asked to speak to you directly, but I said that was unlikely

I shall go, says Vello. I wouldn't want him to think I was fearful.

Sweezus picks up his surfboard.

Okay, boss. I'll paddle you out there.

Err, no, says Vello. You go out there and tell him to swim closer. I'll walk in up to my knees.

Papa! says Belle . Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes, says Vello.

He rolls his shorts up, and heads for the water, while Sweezus paddles out.

Gaius watches them go.

Shall we get on with the rehearsal? asks Belle.

We can't now, says Gaius. Candide isn't here.

I'll play him, says Belle. 

She puts on a Candide-type expression. Wide-eyed and gullible.

Gaius places the megalodon tooth on the sand, and begins to explain the history of Eldorado.

It's a long explanation.

And look! Already Terence is running back with Hedley.

Jostling and bumping shoulders.

Heading straight for the tooth.

Both determined to kick it.

Precious Footballs

 Gaius has borrowed Sweezus's surfboard, and paddled out to sea.

He sits astride the surfboard, waiting.

Several good waves pass under him, but he remains there.

A shark's head pops up.

Ah, there you are, says Gaius. 

Here I am, says Great White Teacher.

Any news? asks Gaius.

I'm two sidekicks down, says Great White Teacher. But no matter.

What happened? asks Gaius.

They stayed in Mexico, says Great White Teacher.

Speaking of which, says Gaius. The megalodon?

We found many large teeth, says Great White Teacher. But no preserved cartilege.

Just as I feared, says Gaius.

Oh? says Great White Teacher. 

But there was always a chance, says Gaius. Did you search in the underground caves?

That's all we did! says Great White Teacher. And look here, I've brought all these teeth back. Is there a market?

He lifts a plastic net full of teeth from the water, and waves it in Gaius's face with his fin.

The Museum might have an interest says Gaius. But they don't like paying.

Typical, says Great White Teacher. Any other suggestions?

Gaius thinks. 

Of course, the teeth could be useful as props!

I don't know if you've noticed, says Gaius, but I and my friends on the beach are rehearsing a play.

About sand castles, says Great White Teacher. Yes, we noticed.

They represent the mountains of Eldorado, says Gaius. 

I love the theatre, says Great White Teacher.

Do you? says Gaius. I shouldn't think you'd get much opportunity.

Not much, says Great White Teacher. Fun fairs mainly, viewed from a distance.

Hardly the theatre, says Gaius.

No need to be snobby, says Great White Teacher. Now what about these teeth?

Our play is an excerpt from Candide, says Gaius. You won't know it.

I may know it, says Great White Teacher.

Then you may know that when Candide and Cacambo reach Eldorado they see children kicking gold nuggets and precious stones around as if they were footballs.

And you immediately thought of my teeth, says Great White Teacher.

Precious things, which nonetheless have no value in Eldorado, saus Gaius. 

It's a stretch, says Great White Teacher.

I'll go back to shore and speak to Vello, says Gaius. He's the one with the money.

Send him out here, says Great White Teacher, I'd like to meet him.

I doubt if he'll come, says Gaius. Give me one tooth, as an example.

Great White Teacher extends the plastic net. 

Gaius plucks a tooth out.

And it would be nice to say he catches a big wave back in.

But he doesn't, not being a confident surfer.

Necessarily Together

Can I help you dig? asks the child.

There's only one spade, says Terence.

I'll use my hands, says the child.

Okay, says Terence.

We're not actually digging, we're building mountains, says Terence.

That's the opposite, says the child.

You're smart, says Terence.

They dig for a while, their two red sheep's heads necessarily together.

What's your name? asks the child.

Terence, says Terence. 

What do you look like? asks the child.

Like me, says Terence. What do you look like?

Didn't you see me before I put the head on? asks the child.

Not really, says Terence.

Want to see me? asks the child.

Okay, says Terence. Want to see me?

Yes, says the child.

They take the conjoined cardboard heads off.

You look like baby Jesus! says the child.  Except you've got a cool hairstyle.

You look like a parrot, says Terence.

I don't look like a parrot, says the child.

Maybe it's what the box did to your hair, says Terence. It's standing up like feathers.

Great! says the child, reaching up to smooth down his hair.

In the process he gets sand in his eyes, and starts crying.

His mother appears.

Oh Hedley! says the mother. What have you been doing?

She leads him away to find water and a clean towel.

Hedley, laughs Terence.

What's so funny asks Sweezus.

That kid's name was Hedley, says Terence.

So? says Sweezus, a bit slow on the uptake.

HEAD-ley, says Terence, indicating the double head of his costume.

Oh yeah, says Sweezus. Hedley.

But he still doesn't laugh.

Why was that child crying? asks Gaius, coming over.

He got sand in his eyes when I said he looked like a parrot, says Terence.

Oh, did he, says Gaius. Is he all right?

No, says Terence. His mother took him away. And his name is Hedley.

Oh ha ha! laughs Gaius. Hedley. Did you hear that, Sweezus?

Yeah, says Sweezus vaguely.

Is anything wrong? asks Gaius.

Great White Teacher's back from Mexico, says Sweezus.

How do you know? asks Gaius. Is he out there?

Yep, says Sweezus. So much for today's surfing.

Nonsense, says Gaius. This is exciting.  Lend me your board. He may have news of the megalodon. 

Sweezus perks up a bit.

The megalodon. Yeah. He had forgotten.

Come Into My Head

Middleton Beach.

Sweezus and Arthur have arrived early, and begun surfing.

Sweezus catches a wave.

Arthur misses it. He's going to wait for a bigger one.

He waits.

A shark swims up beside him.

I knew it was you! says the shark.

So what? says Arthur.

We're back, says the shark. 

A wave looms. A bigger one. 

Arthur paddles forward, stands up and rides the wave in.

Good one, says Sweezus.

Guess who's out there, says Arthur.

Surfing-with-Whales? guesses Sweezus.

Great White Teacher, says Arthur.

No way! says Sweezus. He went to Mexico with his side kicks.

They're back, says Arthur.

Shit, says Sweezus. 

Vello, David, Gaius, Belle and Terence have arrived at the beach in the meantime, 

Ready for the rehearsal? asks Vello.

Sure, says Sweezus. Where'll we do it?

In the mountains! says Terence.

We'll imagine the mountains, says Vello.

I'll make the mountains, says Terence. 

He may as well, says Belle, producing a spade.

You think of everything, says Vello.

He gets bored, says Belle. And his part isn't till later.

Can I wear my costume? asks Terence.

Just the heads, says Belle. And don't get them sandy. 

She pulls the heads of Terence's costume out of her beach bag.

It is two bright red cardboard boxes, joined together, each with sheep features.

It's not quite finished, says Belle. It needs more woolly patches.

Terence looks at his heads. Which one will he put his head in?

He chooses the one on the left, which has woollier eyebrows.

He puts it on, grabs the spade and starts digging.

Now, says Vello. Gaius, what about this machine for hoisting everyone out of Eldorado?

Under control, says Gaius. I have the plans here on my phone.

He shows the plans to Vello.

What is all this Chinese writing? asks Vello.

The plans come from Lu Ban, says Gaius. I contacted him last night. He was only to pleased to help us.

This looks complex, says Vallo, and what are these side parts?

Let me see, says David. This looks like his Wooden Bird.

It is based on his Wooden Bird, says Gaius. 

Cool says Sweezus. Who's going to build it?

A job for you and Arthur, says Vello. Tomorrow you can both go to Bunnings.

Meanwhile a crowd of children has gathered around Terence, watching him dig.

Why have you got two heads? asks one of the children.

I'm two red sheep, says Terence.

One of them's empty, says another child. So you're only one sheep.

And there's only one body, says a third child.

It's the theatre, says Terence, stopping digging.

The empty head slips sideways over his shoulder.

Your head should be in the middle, says the first child.

There's cardboard in the middle says Terence. It's either this head or that head.

Or you could ask another person, says the first child.

Okay, says Terence. Come in.

Say your Prayers, Loser

Terence is excited.

He is going to be in the play.

You'll have to practise, says Belle

I already know how to be the Bright Red Object, says Terence. I float in the sea, in a red costume, and get rescued.

They're not doing that part, says Belle. This part will be even more of a challenge.

Woop! says Terence. What is it?

It's earlier in the story, says Belle. Candide and Cacambo leave Eldorado with gifts of gold, diamonds, precious stones and two large red sheep.

Two? says Terence. Am I both?

Yes, you are both, says Belle. 

Do I run on being one and run off and run on again being the other? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. That wouldn't work.

I'm very fast, says Terence. I could do it on my skateboard.

The thing is, says Belle, you are hoisted out of Eldorado in a machine, along with the others.

Both of me? says Terence.

Yes, says Belle. Gaius has suggested a two headed costume.

Yay! says Terence. Wait! Which one will my head be in?

Which ever one you choose, says Belle. The other one will be empty.

Can you draw it? asks Terence.

Okay, says Belle.

She takes a sheet of paper and a red coloured pencil, and sketches a two headed sheep.

How do I talk? asks Terence.

Through this mouth hole, says Belle, adding one in.

Give the other one a mouth hole, says Terence.

The other one won't talk, says Belle. But I guess I'd better.

It WILL talk, says Terence, already imagining the conversation

Red Sheep's Head 1: Say your prayers, loser!

Red Sheep's Head 2: Whyyyyy!

Red Sheep's Head 1: Because only one of us gets rescued!

Red Sheep's Head 2: Baaaa!

How good will it be!

Pulling It Off

The next day.

Vello has invited Team Philosophe and Team Condor to lunch at the Art Gallery café.

They sit out in the courtyard, under a shade

The conversation turns to future plans.

Arthur and me are going surfing, says Sweezus. 

On the weekend, I suppose you mean, says Vello.

Yeah the long weekend coming up, says Sweezus.

You do realise it's not really a long weekend, says Vello.

True, says David. It's only the Thursday.

Come on boss, says Sweezus. Everyone's taking the Friday.

Well....all right, says Vello. But I expect a reciprocal favour.

What's that? asks Sweezus.

I'm putting on a Fringe show this year, says Vello. And I'd like you to be in it.

No worries, says Sweezus. I'll be in it.

Good, says Vello.

I didn't know you were a producer, says Pierre-Louis. What's the show?

The usual, says David. We always do a scene from Candide.

Ah yes! says Gaius. Last time I played the old woman.

Most admirably, says David. She had only one buttock. Gaius, of course, has two. 

My my, how did you pull it off? asks Pierre-Louis.

Ha ha, I didn't go that far, laughs Gaius. I made use of a cushion.

I have always loved the theatre, says Pierre-Louis.

Perhaps you'd like to take a small part? suggests Vello.

Certainly, says Pierre-Louis, as long as it doesn't interfere with my writing.

Writing, what writing? asks Vello.

The article for Velosophy, says Pierre-Louis.

Surely that won't take long? says Vello.

I like to mull things over, say Pierre-Louis. What will my part be?

I haven't yet chosen the excerpt, says Vello.

Their sandwiches arrive. And their iced coffees.

Shouldn't we get round to it, says David.

How about now? says Vello, pulling a dirty old paperback copy of Candide from his pocket.

Arthur has scoffed his sandwich and is loudly slurping his iced coffee through a straw clogged with ice cream. Schluuurchch!

Drawing Vello's attention.

Arthur! says Vello. Will you do me the honour?

Of what? asks Arthur. 

Picking an excerpt, says Vello.

Arthur opens the paperback copy randomly at page 77.  

'What they saw in the country of Eldorado', says Arthur.

That will be expensive! says David. Unless Candide and Cacambo remain there.

They can't remain there, says Vello. That would miss the whole point of the chapter.

What's the problem? asks Gaius. 

A machine costing a great deal of money is required to hoist them out of the kingdom, says David

It's the theatre, says Vello. We can do it.

And two large red sheep, says David.

Terence! says Sweezus. Didn't he play the Bright Red Object a few years back?

So he did. Sorted! says Vello.

One Bright Red Object, says David. Not two.

That can be solved with a two headed costume, says Vello.

Again, expensive, says David.

Not as expensive as two entire costumes, says Gaius.

There, says Vello. Gaius is volunteering to make Terence's costume.

No I'm not, says Gaius. Belle is better at costumes. But I have an idea for the hoisting machine.

Even better, says Vello. Bring it along to our first rehearsal.

Which is when? asks Gaius. 

Thursday, says Vello.

No way, say Sweezus. We're going ....

We'll rehearse on the beach, says Vello.

Stage 5: Unley to Mount Lofty - Motivational

I should go well today, says Sweezus.

You could get King of the Mountain, says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus, remembering how he rode up Mount Lofty pulling a beach wagon.

Bang! The teams ride out from Unley.

Jay Vine is in the ochre jersey.

He intends to keep it that way.

Simon Yates is determined to get it off him.

Now, says Gaius, to Team Philosophe. This is our last chance to do something courageous.

Is it? says Vello.

You should be saying this, says Gaius. Not me.

You're doing a great job, says Vello. Look how you and Pierre-Louis beat David and me yesterday.

The object is not to beat one's own team mates, says Gaius.

He's right, says David. Why don't we for once make a concerted effort?

All right, says Vello. There's Jay Vine. We'll stick behind him.

Great! Vello is showing some leadership.

The whole team is energised. 

Jay Vine is astonished. He has noticed the mediocre team which is pedalling behind him.

How did they do it? On the way up Mount Lofty? It's hard.

He sees Sweezus from Team Condor up ahead. What's HE doing up there, his legs going like pistons?

Then he remembers. Oh yeah, the beach wagon!

Jay Vine goes full gas. 

Team Philosophe remains close behind him.

But they're talking. Good. They'll soon run out of air.

Pierre-Louis wants to hear more of Lu Ban, and his Dragon bicycle.

Gaius obliges. After all, it's motivational.

The immortal Lu Ban.... begins Gaius.

Nonsense says David. He wasn't immortal.

I beg to differ, says Gaius. But no matter. Lu Ban was a carpenter, engineer, philosopher and inventor. He invented the Wooden Bird, and the Cloud Ladder. 

But not the umbrella, says David.

The umbrella was his wife's idea, says Vello.

Irrelevant, says Gaius. Lu Ban designed his Dragon bicycle for the Tour Down Under. It featured a dragon frame with a special compartment for weapons.

Jay Vine would love to hear the rest of the story. 

But he cannot afford to.

He powers ahead, in order to keep tabs on Yatesy and Bilbao.

Lu Ban's Dragon bicycle was so fast, says Gaius, he won every stage of that year's Tour Down Under. The only problem was he was so fast no one saw him, so his great win was never acknowleged.

At least that was his version, says David. 

Inspiring! says Pierre-Louis.

We've lost Jay Vine, says Vello.

Never mind. We're almost at the top of Mount Lofty, says David. This whole thing's nearly over.

Only four more times to go, says Gaius.

Four? says David. I don't believe it! Have we peaked too early?

They have peaked too early.

Sweezus has peaked too early as well.

Jay Vine has not. He does the Mount Lofty loop four more times.

On the final climb to the finish it's between him, Yatesy and Ben O'Connor.

Yatesy beats Vine by three seconds. 

But it isn't enough. Vine had fifteeen seconds up his sleeve.

Fifteen take three is twelve.

Vine wins the Tour Down Under 2023, and a big orange plate.

Looks like a fruit plate.

Stage 4: Port Willunga to Willunga - Dash

Port Willunga.

This is nice, says Pierre-Louis.

It is, says Vello. We have fond memories of cycling through here

And camping, says David. Remember when we tried to go fishing?

But we hadn't brought string, says Vello.

And the Dragon, says David. 

Yes the Dragon, says Vello. As I remember, it squeaked.

Pierre-Louis wants to hear more about the Dragon, but a wind has got up.

Curses, says Vello. This will change everything.

I agree, says David. We could find ourselves split into echelons.

What are those? asks Pierre-Louis, his mind still on the Dragon.

Small groups, says Vello. 

What's our plan then? asks David.

Where is Gaius? asks Vello.

Up ahead, says David. 

Should we try to catch up? asks Pierre-Louis.

Good idea, says Vello. You go first.

Pierre-Louis surges forward.

Vello and David continue reminiscing. 

Remember when Rousseau was disqualified for throwing stones?

Ha ha, yes I remember.....

Pierre-Louis has caught up with Gaius.

We should stick together, says Pierre-Louis. The wind has got up.

You don't need to tell me, says Gaius. Where are the others?

Back a bit, says Pierre-Louis.

He gestures behind him. 

Gaius looks. What a lovely view of the sea with the red, yellow and ochre cliffs in the backgound.

But Jupiter's Jellies! The peloton has been split.

All the riders have their heads down, but the gaps are widening.

Stick with me, says Gaius. We'll protect one another.

Okay, says Pierre-Louis. Mind if we chat?

You can't give your best effort while chatting, says Gaius.

Just one quick question, says Pierre-Louis.

Yes? says Gaius. Spit it out.

Do you remember the Dragon? asks Pierre-Louis. 

Why yes! says Gaius. I was riding with the great Lu Ban. The Dragon was his bicycle. Before the race, it had been full of weapons. Being empty, it squeaked.

Who is Lu Ban? asks Pierre-Louis. 

No more questions, says Gaius. Head down and pedal. 

They pedal.

As a result, they do better than Vello and David, who, due to chatting, do not catch up.

But not as well as Bryan Coquard who surprises everyone with a sudden dash to the finish.

Stage 3: Norwood to Campbelltown - Corkscrew

Another good day, with regard to the weather.

Off they go, out of Norwood, 

A helicopter thrums and buzzes.

You can hardly hear what anyone is saying.

But let's try.

Simon Yates pedals by, alongside Michael Matthews

Simon Yates: Good you made up with....burble

Michael Matthews: Yeah.... burble....bum.

Simon Yates: Did you hear...burble burble...Team Condor?

Michael Matthews: Burble bumble.....

Simon Yates: So much for the Gift of Bal...burble....

Sweezus would be pleased if he heard this, although he didn't.

The race continues.

Gaius is pedalling along on his own.

He catches up with Arthur.

Small team this year, says Gaius. Just you and Sweezus

We should have recruited you, says Arthur. 

Indeed, says Gaius. Really? If only you'd said.

I just did, says Arthur.

I mean earlier, says Gaius. How far to the Corkscrew? Where's Sweezus?

Probably half way up it, says Arthur. 

Let's do it together, says Gaius. 

They pedal harder to try and catch up with Sweezus on the Corkscrew.

Woo! The Corkscrew.

But what's this?

Rohan Dennis in his ochre jersey has stopped on his way up the Corkscrew.

What's happened? calls Gaius.

Derailleur stopped working, says Rohan Dennis.

Merde! says Arthur. Bad luck. You're done.

Rohann Dennis looks dejected.

A team car rolls up with a new bike for Dennis, but it's not going to help him.

Goodbye ochre jersey.

Sweezus is going well on the Corkscrew.

He is behind Pello Bilbao, and in front of Jay Vine.

Simon Yates is beside him.

Hey, says Yatesey. I heard you lost it.

Never had it, says Sweezus. 

They reach the top of the Corkscrew, and presumably, then head back down.

Stage 2: Brighton to Victor Harbour - Suffering

 Another cool day.

The teams roll out of Brighton. 

Team Philosophe stays together.

Gaius looks over his shoulder.

Yes, they do look more aggressive.

Earlier he had given them his pep talk.

There's no glory in coasting, he'd said.

And Vello had laughed, but David and Pierre-Louis had looked as though they might pursue glory.

At least that's how Gaius saw it.

David, I'm leading you out, says Gaius, lurching forward.

Okay, says David.

Who's the captain? asks Vello.

You are, says David, But you laughed. I at least kept a straight face.

Oh, go on then, says Vello.

David speeds up to sit behind Gaius's wheel.

Vello and Pierre-Louis pedal companionably.

About that article, says Pierre-Louis. 

After this you'll have something to write about, says Vello.

Pierre-Louis looks pleased.

They pass Bettiol, whose face reveals suffering.

Okay? asks Vello. 

Cramps, says Bettiol.

Bettiol drops further behind.

Vello and Pierre-Louis continue, not saying anything.

Ahead they see a group of riders including Michael Matthews.

He's in a good position, observes Vello.

But then. 

Matthews is clipped on one side and then clipped on the other by riders who are not from his team.

His chain drops and sticks in his front crank.

He fumbles to release it, but fails. 

Vello and Pierre-Louis pass him as he mutters dreadful obscenities.

There's no respect these days.

There is something to be said for just coasting, says Vello.

Pierre-Louis agrees.

Or it may be the influence of Schopenhauer's right understanding.

Meanwhile Gaius and David have caught up with Sweezus and Arthur.

Hey, says Sweezus, swerving for who knows what reason.

David clips him.

Sweezus theatrically topples onto some grass. 

Sorry, says David. 

Hope everyone saw that, says Sweezus getting back on.

All four of them pedal to the finish, in Victor Harbour.

A good few minutes behind Rohan Dennis, who has won.

Stage 1: Tanunda to Tanunda - Magicked

Tanunda. And for once the weather is cool.

Bang! The teams ride out from Tanunda.

Up Menglers Hill and back through Tanunda.

A number of times.

How many times? asks David after the first time.

I don't know, says Vello. Does it matter?

I suppose not, says David. 

Pierre-Louis catches up to his team mates.

Heard the gossip? asks Pierre-Louis. Sweezus is cheating.

He's not clever enough, says Vello.

I heard it, says David. It's nonsense. 

Well he didn't come off in the crash back there, says Pierre-Louis.

Nor did you, says David. It's not proof of cheating.

What's Sweezus supposed to be doing? asks Vello.

He's supposed to have paid big money for the Gift of Balance, says David.

There you go, says Vello. That proves he isn't cheating. He never has any money.

They all pedal thoughtfully.

Phil Bauhaus speeds by.

HE came off, says Pierre-Louis. 

Bauhaus? says Vello. Came off?

And got straight back on, says Pierre-Louis.

Proving nothing, says Vello.

When you think about it, says David, don't we all have the Gift of Balance?

Until we lose it, says Vello. 

Caleb Ewan passes them with a few of his team mates.

They hear the following:

Caleb Ewan: He got it from two old dudes in Saint Malo.

Jarrad Drizners: What, like a couple of wizards?

Then no more can be heard.

Gaius catches up with Team Philosophe.

Vello! Shall I give you a leadout? says Gaius.

No thanks, says Vello. We are all doomed to failure. Sweezus has been magicked by wizards.

Ha ha! laughs Gaius.

He shoots forward towards the next sprint in Tanunda.

No one follows.

A pep talk is needed, thinks Gaius. 

A few more crashes occur, none of which involve Sweezus.

Sweezus is getting black looks from the other riders.

The black looks are putting him off.

What've I done? asks Sweezus.

I'll find out, says Arthur.

He drops back to where Caleb Ewan is getting ready for a final attack on Phil Bauhaus.

Hey... begins Arthur.

Caleb ignores him but loses a crucial quarter-second.

Phil Bauhaus comes first.

efex Prologue - Gift Of Distortion

The next day in the afternoon. The efex Men's Prologue, otherwise known as the time trial.

There is something funny going on with the weather.

As we will soon see.

The first four riders go off, in dry conditions.

The remaining riders look up at the sky.

Not looking good, says Sweezus. If it rains no one'll beat Bettiol's time.

The other riders nod sagely. 

Well, it does rain and no one does beat Albert Bettiol's time.

That wasn't FAIR, says Terence, when the race is over.

That's racing, says Sweezus.

Did you try? asks Terence.

Course I tried, says Sweezus. Arthur tried too.

Vello and David didn't try, says Terence.

Yeah I know, says Sweezus. Pierre-Louis almost got the same time as they did.

They were wearing rain hats, says Terence. 

They weren't rain hats, says Sweezus. They were Vello's cheapskate version of an aerodynamic helmet.

They looked stupid, says Terence.

I know, says Sweezus. How'd you like mine though?

Good, says Terence. You look like the Flash

Yeah, says Sweezus. I would've done better if ...

Hey, says Caleb Ewan.

Hey, says Sweezus. Good win yesterday!

Thanks, says Caleb Ewan. Pity it didn't count for anything.

Bad luck, says Terence.

Caleb looks sourly at Terence.

Still got your skateboard, I see?

I've got the gift of balance, says Terence. I can never fall off it.

Yeah he actually has, says Sweezus. Did any of your guys do Mount Lofty yesterday morning?

Yeah, says Caleb. Half my team did. And a few of them had close encounters with Terence.

Sorry about that, says Sweezus. 

Okay, says Caleb Ewan. Gift of balance, you reckon? Does it come naturally?

No way! says Sweezus. He got it in Saint Malo from a couple of old dudes.

And a certificate, says Terence. For riding a pony. And this new hair style to make me look older.

Huh, says Caleb Ewan, not sure he believes the whole story.

Nonetheless gossip travels fast in the Tour Village.

By early tomorrow everyone will have heard of the Gift of Balance.

And due to a certain amount of distortion, they will think Sweezus has it.

In Everyone's Bad Books

 Later that day.

Victoria Square. The Schwalbe Classic.

The women go first.

One of them wins it.

Not Spratty.

Hey, says Sweezus. Bad luck for you women, going first.

You said it, says Spratty. But I'm used to the heat.

Me too, says Sweezus.

By the way, says Spratty, you're in everyone's bad books. 

How come? asks Sweezus.

Your little guy on his skateboard, says Spratty. Heaps of team favourites came off thanks to him on Mount Lofty this morning.

Anyone injured? asks Sweezus.

Scrapes and dents, says Spratty. One or two wheels needing replacement. Stuff like that.

Yeah, well, says Sweezus.

Yeah, well, says Spratty.

Seven pm. It's a bit cooler, but not all that much.

Bang! the Men's race starts off. Round Victoria Square for an hour plus one lap.

Don't try too hard, says Vello to Pierre-Louis. This race counts for nothing.

Then why...? asks Pierre-Louis. 

Save your energy, says David. That's what we do.

Gaius speeds by. 

Ancient Romans don't believe in such nonsense. He's intending to try.

Sweezus is up near the front of the pack, not looking sideways.

Chris Froome catches up.

Hey, says Froomey.

Hey, says Sweezus.

A word in your ear, says Froomey.

Sweezus goes faster. So does Froomey.

They are now level with Simon Clarke.

Hey, says Clarkey.

Hey, says Sweezus. 

Did Froomey tell you? asks Clarkey.

Nup, says Sweezus. But I know in any case. 

He knows, says Clarkey to Froomey.

It's not just Team Israel-Premier-Tech  says Froomey. Lots of guys got scrapes and dents and needed replacements.

That's racing, says Sweezus, speeding up again.

Peaking too soon, however.

Some other guy wins the Schwalbe Classic. 

The Foot Thing

Terence has had a few mishaps on his way down Mount Lofty.

Several riders, swerving to avoid him, have come off.

But Terence has not lost his balance.

Roo-kai flies above and behind him.

Try to slow down, says Roo-kai.

Can't, says Terence. I don't know where the brakes are.

Use your foot, says Roo-kai.

It doesn't know either, says Terence.

I'll find out what to do, says Roo-kai.

He changes direction.

Sweezus is not far away, cycling down hill, head down, leaning in on the corners....

Stop! cries Roo-kai.

Sweezus stops quickly. Arthur passes him, So do Vello and David.

I wonder why he stopped? says David. Should we go back and ask him?

No, says Vello. 

They keep going.

What? says Sweezus. 

How do you brake on a skateboard? asks Roo-kai.

I bet I know who wants to know, says Sweezus.

Actually he doesn't, says Rookai. He's showing remarkable balance. But he's caused a few mishaps.

Bugger, says Sweezus. Okay. This is how you brake on a skateboard that doesn't have brakes. Lower your stance and skid your back foot on the ground. 

Thanks! says Roo-kai, turning and flying back after Terence.

Forgot to tell him to use his heel, says Sweezus, pushing off again.

Yeah, but I guess it doesn't matter, he says to himself. That's to save the toes of your skate shoes and Terence doesn't wear any.

He then imagines Terence's cement foot, scraping the road, creating a spark and starting a bushfire.

Crikey! Could that really happen?

Let us fast forward.

Here is Terence, going like the clappers. Here is Roo-kai, catching up

Lower your stance and skid your back foot on the road! squawks Roo-kai.

What does lower your stance mean? asks Terence. 

Crouch! shouts Roo-kai. And then do the foot thing!

It's way too hard to do both things at once.

So Terence just crouches.

Which only speeds him up further.

On the bright side, he won't start a bushfire.

The Will To Stop Trying

Terence continues to look over the wall for Pierre-Louis.  

He sees him at last.

Pierre-Louis has almost reached the summit.

Terence knows he's supposed to stay in the flat area.

But he wants to ask Pierre-Louis about the ducker.

And once Pierre-Louis gets to the cafe, the adults will command his attention.

Terence gets on his skateboard.

Don't do it, says Roo-kai. 

I'm only going down to where he is, says Terence.

And then what? asks Roo-kai.

But Terence rarely thinks about then what.

He skates gracefully down the road to where Pierre-Louis is labouring upwards.

Hey! calls Terence. 

Hey!  calls Pierre-Louis.

Terence continues down hill.

Pierre-Louis is somewhat concerned. Should he turn back and follow Terence, who may well have an accident?

Don't worry, continue, says Roo-kai, flyng past the ear of Pierre-Louis.

At least that is what Pierre-Louis's ear tells him that Roo-kai has said.

He continues up the last stretch of road to the café.

Enfin! says Vello. You made it!

Thanks to a degree of resignation, says Pierre-Louis. 

That would seem counterproductive, says David.

On the contrary, says Pierre-Louis. It is a way of freeing oneself from the will.

The will to get to the top of Mount Lofty? asks Sweezus.

The will to stop trying, says Pierre-Louis.

Heavy! says Sweezus. By the way, did you see Terence?

Yes, says Pierre-Louis. He passed me on his skateboard, going down. His parrrot was not far behind him.

Fuck! I don't need this! says Sweezus. 

I'll go, says Arthur.

No I'll go, says Gaius.

Didn't someone say Terence had been given the gift of balance? asks David

Yeah, says Sweezus. Gift of balance. He should be okay.

But it's time we left anyway, says Vello. The men's city race is this evening.

No way, is it? says Sweezus. Bugger. Okay, let's go.

I'll stay here a while and recover, says Pierre-Louis.

Would you mind bringing the beach wagon? asks Sweezus.

Yes he would mind, says Vello. Are you trying to nobble my team?

I'll do it, says Gaius. 

No you won't, says Vello. For the same reason.

This is news to Gaius. 

Does this mean he's in Vello's team?

The Two Duckers

Scheise! says Sweezus, when he gets to the top of Mount Lofty. That was heaps hard.

Phew! says Terence.

Arthur is already there in the café, drinking iced coffee with Vello and David.

Well done, Sweezus! says Vello. I hear you dragged a beach wagon all the way up, with Terence inside.

Last time I ever try that! says Sweezus.

Me too, says Terence. I got covered in sweat drops.

His sweat drops, I presume, says David. Not yours.

Yes, says Terence. They sprayed over me like a fountain.

Sweezus grabs a water.

Gaius arrives.

He is surprised to see Vello and David.

What time did you start? asks Gaius. 

Early, says Vello. Where's our third man?

Labouring slowly, says Gaius. I passed him a while back. He was muttering something about dukkah.

Perhaps he was hungry, says Vello.

It's not what I would be craving, on my way up Mount Lofty. says Gaius. Too grainy.

Much too grainy, says David. 

Remember which bike he's riding, says Arthur.

Of course! says David. He may have been referring to the first Noble Truth known as dukkha, or suffering.

Very likely, says Vello. Poor chap.

On the contrary, says David. Schopenhauer found such Buddhist concepts inspiring.

But did they help him speed up? asks Vello.

Not as far as I remember, says David.

They look out of the café window. More riders are arriving.

But not Pierre-Louis.

I'll go and look for him on my skateboard, says Terence.

Okay, says Sweezus.

But don't go down the hill, warns Gaius. Stay up on the flat area where we can see you.

Okay, says Terence.

And he really does mean to.

He goes to edge of the flat area, He looks over the wall.

Roo-kai flutters down. Looking for someone?

Pierre-Louis, says Terence. 

On his way, says Roo-kai. But he doesn't look happy.

That's the ducker, says Terence.

The sesame seed and almond snack, or the first Noble Truth? asks Roo-kai.

How do I know? They're both called the ducker, says Terence.

But they're not quite the same, says Roo-kai.

Clunky Bike

Next morning. 

Sweezus arrives, pulling a beach wagon behind him, attached to his bike by a rope.

Ready? says Sweezus. Let's get going . It's going to be hot.

Terence climbs into the beach wagon with his skateboard.

Sure you want to do this? asks Gaius.

Gaius says you're a mad fool, says Terence.

I am a mad fool, says Sweezus.

Me too, says Terence.

Gaius checks his water bottle, and his tyres.

They set off towards Greenhill Road.

Sweezus has arranged to meet Arthur at the start of the climb.

Arthur is waiting, with Pierre-Louis, who looks apprehensive.

Greetings, men, says Gaius. Nice hot day for it.

Is this normal? asks Pierre-Louis.

No, says Gaius. One does not normally do Mount Lofty pulling a beach wagon behind one.

I didn't mean that, says Pierre-Louis. I referred to the heat.

He's not used to it, says Arthur. And he's got this clunky bike to deal with.

It's not a clunky bike, says Gaius. It just takes getting used to.

It's Schopenhauer's old one, says Sweezus.

Can we get GOING? asks Terence.

I remember it, says Arthur. Nietzsche rode it, a few years go

Yeah, it drove him mental, says Sweezus. 

GO! says Terence.

And Sprocket, says Arthur. He rode it one year.

Both Sweezus and Gaius had forgotten all about Sprocket.

But now they remember.

He was a cool guy, says Sweezus. And he learned a lot from that bike.

Such as? asks Pierre-Louis.

The Four Noble Truths, or was it Eight Noble Truths? says Sweezus,

No, the Eightfold Path, says Arthur. And the Four Noble Truths

Pierre-Louis begins to cheer up, thinking of Sprocket, whoever he was. 

And penguin jokes, says Terence.

That wasn't this bike, says Sweezus. Okay dudes, let's do this!

He sets off up Greenhill Road, towing Terence, and followed by Arthur.

The Four Noble Truths, says Pierre-Louis. I wonder what they are?

You'll find out, says Gaius, heading off after Arthur.

Pierre-Louis presses a foot to a pedal, in hopes.

Only Daredevils

Yay! says Terence. Roo-kai's back!

Any leftovers? asks Roo-kai.

A few stewed carrots, says Gaius. I thought you went looking for molluscs. No luck?

No luck, says Roo-kai.

He picks up a carrot circle.

Not that one! cries Terence. 

Sorry, says Roo-kai. 

He replaces the carrot circle and sniffs at the stew.

Might be a bit spicy for you, says Gaius.

How did the dinner party go? asks Roo-kai.

Everyone watched me revolving the carrot circles, says Terence. 

Great, says Roo-kai. But what did they talk about?

They asked if I'd lend Pierre-Louis my bicycle, says Gaius.

A bad sign, says Roo-kai.

Of course I refused, says Gaius. I've not yet given up hope of joining Team Philosphe.

Nor should you, says Roo-kai. You are the better rider.

Which I hope to prove tomorrow, says Gaius. We are all doing Mount Lofty.

Which bike will Pierre-Louis be using? asks Roo-kai.

The Platonic Ideal, says Gaius.

The old one you keep in the shed? says Roo-kai.

Yes, Schopenhauer's, says Gaius.

I've heard a few stories about it, says Roo-kai.

Spiders live on it, says Terence.

They would be wise to leap off, says Roo-kai.

They have leapt off already, says Gaius. Now Roo-kai, may I trouble you to stay here with Terence while I do Mount Lofty in the morning?

He doesn't have to, I'm coming, says Terence.

You are not! You would just hold me back, says  Gaius.

I wouldn't, says Terence. I've got my skateboard.

No one has ever gone up Mount Lofty on a skateboard, says Gaius.

What about down? asks Terence.

Hum, says Gaius. A few daredevils may have.

I'll ask Sweezus, says Terence. He'll let me.

Go ahead, says Gaius. Here's my phone.

After several attempts, Terence gets through to Sweezus, and asks him.

That's cool, little buddy, says Sweezus. I'll give you a tow. It'll be awesome training, dragging the extra weight up. See you first thing. 

Yippee! says Terence.

Surely the mad fool didn't say yes, says Gaius.

I'm going to tell him you said that, says Terence.

Blue Is Not Strictly A Thought

Gaius opens the door of his shed.

He flashes the torch around.

Redbacks flash bright red spots back at him.

Should we spray first? asks David.

No, says Gaius. They will ignore us. Hold this. The bicycle's there at the back.

He steps in and grasps Schopenhauer's bicycle by the handlebars.

Several redbacks leap down from the hand grips.

Gaius wheels the bicycle out of the shed.

It could do with a clean up, but it should suit your requirements, says Gaius.

Pierre-Louis looks at the bicycle, in the torchlight.

It has an old world look, says Pierre-Louis.

Schopenhauer was pleased with it, says David. He said it embodied general bicycleness.

It does, says Pierre-Louis. Mind if I try it?

If you think all the spiders have left it, says Gaius.

What do you think? asks Pierre-Louis.

I'll hose it down, says Gaius. Here, hold it.

He finds his garden hose and blasts water all over the bicycle.

Pierre-Louis gets on, and wobbles around the back garden.

Any thoughts? asks Vello.

Blue, says Pierre-Louis.

That is not strictly a thought, says David.

Is this bicycle blue? asks Pierre-Louis.

I believe so, says Gaius. In the dark though, it's difficult to tell.

No matter, says Pierre-Louis. Colour is subjective. 

Here we go, says Vello.  That's one of Schopenhauer's misconceptions.

What misconception? says Pierre-Louis. Some people see brown as plum.

That is true, says Gaius. I often see brown as plum.

Then you are colour blind says Vello. 

You must admit they are similar, says Gaius.

But not the same, says Vello. Back me up, David.

We'll determine whether it's blue in the morning, says David. 

Blue? says Vello. We're talking about brown and plum!

Gentlemen, says Pierre-Louis. In a world of endless strife should we not try to achieve a disposition towards universal beneficence?

A fine sentiment, says David.

Didn't Schopenhauer say something like it? asks Vello.

It does sound like him, says David.

Can't a person have a fine thought around here without it being attributed to another philosopher? says Pierre-Louis.

Of course he can, says Gaius. Now let's go inside for a nightcap.

They leave Schopenhauer's bicycle propped up near the back door and go in for a night cap.

The redback spiders return to the shed, with a new topic of conversation. 

Whether (or not) colour is subjective.

Thoughts Not Your Own

Now for dessert, says Gaius.

Dessert! says Vello. What is it?

A fruit platter, says Gaius. 

He brings out a fruit platter, consisting entirely of over-ripe apricots.

Don't be shy. They need eating, says Gaius.

I see that, says Vello. Why didn't you stew them?

I thought they'd look too much like the stewed carrots, says Gaius.

Spoken like a true cook, says David.

They all try the apricots, which are tender and squashy.

More wine? asks Gaius. 

I shouldn't, says Pierre-Louis. Big day tomorrow.

How so? asks Gaius.

We're doing Mount Lofty, says Vello.

On bikes? asks Gaius.

That is the problem, says Vello. Pierre-Louis doesn't have his own bike.

I was wondering if you'd be so kind......? begins Pierre-Louis.

As to let him borrow yours, says Vello.

I should love to oblige, says Gaius. But unfortunately I must refuse, because I need it.

Never mind, says Pierre-Louis.

What do you need it for? asks Vello.

I too am doing Mount Lofty, says Gaius. I may see you up there.

Perhaps you have a spare bicycle, says David.

Schopenhauer's! says Gaius. I think it's still in the shed.

The philosopher? asks Pierre-Louis.

Indeed, says Gaius. It was custom made for him by Sam at the Treadly Bike Shop.

Ass-Saver mudguards, says Vello. And Schwalbe tyres.

And a San Marco saddle, says David.

A fine bicycle, says Gaius, although probably infested with red-backs. But there is something else, which you may see as a problem.

What is it? asks Pierre-Louis, taking another soft apricot.

You may find youself thinking thoughts not your own, says Gaius.

Schopenhauer's? asks Pierre-Louis. What kind of thoughts exactly?

The universe is not a rational place, says David.

Is that you or him? asks Vello.

Him, says David. 

Any others I should know about? asks Pierre-Louis.

An ascetic outlook, says David.

I can live with that, says Pierre-Louis. Anything else?

Poodles, says David. 

What about poodles? asks Pierre-Louis.

He loved them, says David. He would always stop for them. 

So you must avoid poodles, says Vello.

That shouldn't be hard, says Pierre-Louis. May I see it?

Of course, says Gaius. 

They go out with a torch to the shed.

A Parrot Not The Solar System

Help yourselves to carrots and chicken, says Gaius. 

Interesting carrots, says Pierre-Louis. 

An old Roman recipe, says Gaius. 

Very distinctive, says Vello. What have you added?

Mint, cumin and vinegar, says Gaius. And black pepper. Also salt and olive oil, and a little water.

Vello prongs a carrot with his fork.

It drips on the tablecloth, on the way to his mouth.

Careless of me, says Vello.

Not at all, says Gaius. Any stains will come out in the wash.

This is a very bad table cloth, says Terence.

Why do you say that? asks David. Oh, I know. The holes.

I don't see any holes, says Pierre-Louis.

Look under Leo the Chicken, says Terence.

But Pierre Louis has better manners than to look under Leo the Chicken.

So, says Gaius, Pierre-Louis, I hear you are a man of letters.

I have written a few things, says Pierre-Louis. 

He made an expedition to Lapland, says Davis. He still has the hat.

I have, says Pierre-Louis. But of course it's too hot to wear it in your Adelaide summer.

You don't like the heat? asks Gaius.

Pierre-Louis senses a trap. 

I have become used to it, says Pierre-Louis.

You had better be used to it, says Vello.

Fear not, says Pierre-Louis.

What's this about? asks Gaius.

The Tour Down Under, says Vello. Pierre-Louis's trying out for our team.

Been in many competitions? asks Gaius.

I'm quite new to it, says Pierre-Louis. 

You're too modest, says Vello. Tell Gaius about your scientific technique.

It is based on my principle of least action, says Pierre-Louis.

Ha ha! laughs Gaius.

It's not funny, says Vello. Pierre-Louis has invented an integral equation that determines the path followed by a physical system.

Take these carrot circles, says Pierre-Louis. Let us say they represent the solar system.

Too late, says Terence. They're supposed to be Chicken McChicken. 

You did say they'd change fast, says David.

Yes, says Terence, moving one or two circles. Now they're Leo the Parrot.

You have revealed a hole, says Gaius. 

Oops! says Terence. He moves another circle from Chicken McChicken to the hole in the middle of Leo the Parrot.

More wine anyone? asks Gaius.

Why not? says Vello. It must improve with aging.

Ha ha! laughs Pierre-Louis. Like all of us.

Gaius pours more wine, giving Pierre-Louis an especially large one.

Leo The Chicken

The Ancient Roman Carrot Stew is cooling.

Gaius opens the fridge.

Chicken, says Gaius. I hope no one's turned vegan.

Not me, says David. I have always liked chicken.

Chickens, says Terence.

Not chickens, says David. There's a difference.

So there is, says Gaius. He starts to cut up the chicken.

There is a knock on the door.

Will you get that, David? asks Gaius. My fingers are greasy.

Of course, says David,. 

He goes down the passage and opens the door.

What's that smell? asks Vello. 

Probably not what you think, says David. 

Stale sweat, says Pierre-Louis.

Yes, that's what it isn't, says David. It's a carrot themed dinner. Ancient Roman.

That explains it, says Vello. 

Come in, says David. Gaius and Terence are in the kitchen.

Welcome! says Gaius. 

Allow me to introduce Pierre-Louis Maupertuis, says Vello. He has been keen to meet you.

I have, says Pierre-Louis. Your fame precedes you.

Steady on, says Vello. A lot of his fame is behind him.

Ha ha! laughs Pierre-Louis.

Who's for a  drink? asks Gaius. I have several bottles of white wine I bought last month on ebay.

Have you tried it? asks Vello.

Not yet, says Gaius. Perhaps David will do the honours.

What can I have ? asks Terence.

As luck would have it, says Gaius. I have cranberry juice in the pantry.

Yay! says Terence.

David finds the cranberry juice in the pantry, takes a bottle of white wine from the fridge, then looks for the glasses in an overhead cupboard.

And what are you up to, young Terence? asks Vello.

Making star patterns with carrot circles, says Terence.

Very celestial, says Vello.   

Is this Leo? asks Pierre-Louis.

No, says Terence. It's a carrot circle.

I meant the constellation, says Pierre-Louis. It looks like Leo the Lion.

Okay, says Terence. But I'll be changing it every few seconds.

That's fast, says Vello.

David hands Vello and Pierre-Louis their wine.

They sip it.

How is it? asks Gaius.

It will go well with whatever that smell is, says Vello.

Ha ha! laughs Pierre-Louis.

I must try it myself, says Gaius. Are you all right to eat chicken?

Now it's Leo the Chicken, says Terence, rearranging the carrot circles into a chicken.

Very apt, says David. Except for the name Leo, which does not suit a chicken.

What then? asks Terence.

Terence has been learning mathematical principles from these carrot circles, says Gaius. 

Then perhaps he should call it The Mathemachicken, says David.

Everyone laughs except Terence.

Double Bumhole!

Knock. Knock.

A knock at the door.

Gaius hurries down the passage to open it.

Am I early? asks David. 

Not at all, says Gaius. Come in. We can chat while I stir the carrots.

They go into the kitchen.

Hello Terence, says David. Busy, I see?

Terence puts down the knife he was using.

Perhaps you'd like to help him, says Gaius.

What is he doing? asks David.

Covering a few small holes in the table cloth with carrot circles, says Gaius.

I've got too many, says Terence. So I'm making more holes.

What? says Gaius. 

He hasn't succeeded, says David. The knife he's using is blunt.

More holes is not the solution, says Gaius.

I'll talk him out of it, says David.

Go on, says Terence.

We must think of alternative solutions, says David. Can you think of any?

No, says Terence. Only more holes.

Think outside the box, says David.

There's no box, says Terence. And carrot circles are flat.

True, says Gaius. The carrot solution is clever. The only problem is, there are eight leftover circles.

Nine, says David.

Yes, I meant to say nine, says Gaius. 

How about throwing them into the kitchen compost, says David.

No! says Terence. See their sad faces.

All right, says David. How about placing them in an interesting pattern? A star shape for example.

Yes! says Terence. And no one would know which ones had holes under!

Not the observers, says David. Of course the carrot circles would have an inkling.

What's an inkling? asks Terence.

A feeling, says David. Imagine you're sitting on a table cloth. Now imagine you're sitting on a hole in a table cloth. Would it feel the same, or different?

Woo! Double bumhole! says Terence. Different!

Ha ha! laughs David.

You are talking him out of a perfectly satisfactory solution, says Gaius.

Sorry, says David. But really, why do you feel you need a table cloth?

The occasion demands it, says Gaius. I have not met Pierre-Louis Maupertuis before. 

He's too busy sucking up to Vello and me to notice a table cloth, says David.

You don't say? says Gaius.

I want to do the star shape, says Terence. And the carrot circles can have turns on the bumholes.

Excellent , says Gaius. That can be your job, revolving the carrots.

Yay! says Terence.

Sucking up? For what reason? asks Gaius.

He wants to join team Philosophe in the Tour Down Under, says David.

Oh does he? says Gaius. I was rather hoping.....

You would be my choice, says David. But Vello is susceptible to flattery. By the way, I think your carrots are burning. Or are you sweating badly?

They're supposed to smell like this, says Gaius, removing his Ancient Roman Stewed Carrots from the heat just in time.

Nine Or Eight Hopes

Only three holes.

And twelve carrot circles.

Terence places three sad-faced carrot circles over each of the three holes.

Sorry about the rest of you, says Terence. 

What's the problem? asks Gaius, from the other end of the kitchen, where he is stirring his Ancient Roman Carrot Stew.

The other eight, says Terence.

Shouldn't that be nine? asks Gaius. Twelve take three. What does that make?

Eight, says Terence. I told you.

You need a lesson in mathematics, says Gaius. 

No, you do, says Terence.

Mathematics is, or should I say are, not debatable, says Gauius. Take those three off and start again.

Terence takes three carrot circles off the holes over which he had placed them.

Now set them out in a row, says Gaius.

Terence sets them out in a row,

Three of the carrot circles are hoping that Terence will remember that they were the ones that were previously chosen for strategic positions.

Nine (or eight) hope for a re-shuffle.

One two three four five six seven eight ten eleven twelve thirteen, counts Terence. Now there's one extra!

Gaius sighs.

You left out nine. No wonder.

Nine? says Terence. I only had twelve!

I don't have time for this, says Gaius. 

Don't worry, says Terence. I've got a great idea. I just need a knife.

A knife!

What's that for?

Luckily Gaius isn't listening. His Ancient Roman Carrot Stew is at a crucial stage of development.

Terence hops down from his chair.

He goes to the cutlery drawer and opens it.

Setting the table? says Gaius. What a splendid idea.

Terence thinks it is too. He takes three more knives out to add to the one he has taken already.

He goes back to the chair and the table.

The carrot circles are waiting.

What will Terence do?

Will he make nine (or eight) more holes in the table cloth?

One for everyone.

But even carrot circles know this is almost impossible to do with a dinner knife.

As Terence is about to discover.

If Holes Had Eyebrows

Now Terence, says Gaius, I'll start cooking the carrots. Can I trust you to set the table?

Yes, says Terence.

First the table cloth, says Gaius. Spread it out and check where the holes are. 

Terence spreads the table cloth out on the floor.

Not on the floor, says Gaius. On the table.

Okay, says Terence.

He bunches up the table cloth, which is yellow.

Gaius pours olive oil into a pan.

Terence drags the tablecloth to the table. 

To spread it, he will need to stand on a chair.

He climbs on a chair, but now can't reach the table cloth, which is still on the floor.

He looks down at the table cloth.

It seems to be smiling.

Gaius starts frying the chopped carrots with mint leaves and cumin.

A fine aroma fills the kitchen.

What's that smell? asks Terence. Underarms?

It's an ancient Roman recipe for cooking carrots, says Gaius. My guests will enjoy it.

Can you lift up this dumb old tablecloth? asks Terence.

Wait a tick, says Gaius. I mustn't scorch the carrots.

Terence waits for Gaius to not scorch the carrots. 

He looks down. The tablecloth has changed its expression. 

It looks angry.

Wait, says Terence. In a minute I'll stop up your holes.

The table cloth holes, if they had eyebrows, would raise them.

A presumptuous child!

Gaius adds water, sea salt, black pepper and vinegar to the frying pan.

He turns down the heat to a simmer.

Now to help Terence.

They spread the table cloth on the table together.

There! Three holes! says Gaius. Just where I hoped they would be. It is fortunate they aren't exactly adjacent to where anyone will be sitting.

Yes, says Terence. Lucky. Can you get the sad faces?

What a pity Roo-kai is down at the coast finding molluscs, says Gaius. He could do this. 

Get them, says Terence. I'll do the rest.

Very well, says Gaius.

He brings the sad (but excited) carrot faces across to the table. A dozen.

He then goes back to keep an eye on his carrots, which must stew for at least thirty minutes.

Terence is left with a puzzle.

Twelve faces and only three holes........

Heads Are Discarded

Gaius returns from the shops, with a full shopping bag.

I hope I've done the right thing, says Gaius. I've bought a chicken.

Where is it? asks Terence.

In the shopping bag, says Gaius. 

Look at all these chopped carrots, says Terence.

Well done, says Gaius. 

A chicken? says Roo-kai.

I know, says Gaius. You will have to forgive me.

Any molluscs? asks Roo-kai.

Molluscs are very expensive, says Gaius. 

Then you must excuse me, says Roo-kai. I shall fly to the coast, and find my own molluscs.

See you later, says Terence. I'll talk to the chicken.

You can't talk to the chicken, says Gaius. It's cooked.

So it's not going anywhere, says Terence.

It's going in the fridge, says Gaius. I don't want any bacteria to multiply.

Okay, says Terence. What CAN I do?

Empty the shopping bag, says Gaius. Put the chicken in the fridge. Arrange the vinegar, olive oil and spices on the counter. Get out a frying pan.

What will you do? asks Terence.

See if I still have a table cloth, says Gaius. He heads for the linen cupboard.

Yes. He still has a table cloth. But wait. Didn't it have holes in?

He remembers an occasion, (was it last New Year?), involving careless sparklers.

He shakes out the tablecloth. At first glance it looks fine. 

Then it doesn't. Drat. But no matter. He will simply place items strategically.

He returns to the kitchen where Terence is talking to the chicken:

The carrots all have sad faces. Want to see them?

The chicken does not reply.

It doesn't answer, says Terence.

It cannot, says Gaius. Take a good look, and you will see why.

Terence peers through the zip-top clear plastic chicken bag, at the chicken.

It has a plump body, and two legs tied together with blue string. It has two wings tucked in at the sides neatly, but NO HEAD!

No wonder, says Terence. You bought one with no head.

That is standard, says Gaius. Heads are discarded.

Not by me, says Terence. I kept all of them.

What are you talking about? asks Gaius.

Terence shows him a dozen sad faces of carrots.

Hum, says Gaius. They may come in useful.

The sad faces remain sad. Coming in useful is not something they aspire to. 

As a talking point, says Gaius.

The sad faces stay sad.

And also, says Gaius, as strategic placements over holes in my tablecloth.

Strategic placements! 

Every sad face is excited.

Wielding The Knife

I must dash to the shops, says Gaius.

And I have to get going, says Arthur.

What will I do? asks Terence.

Do you know how to chop carrots? asks Gaius.

Yes! says Terence. Just give me a knife.

On second thoughts, says Gaius, would you like to come with me?

No, says Terence. I'm going to practise tricks on my skateboard. 

Another reason for me not to leave you here on your own, says Gaius.

I won't be on my own, says Terence. Roo-kai's back to normal.

I am back to normal, says Roo-kai. And I know how to chop carrots.

Do you? asks Gaius. 

But I can't actually do it, admits Roo-kai.

He can teach me, says Terence.

All right, says Gaius. Peel them first, then chop them lengthways into equal sized pieces, about this long.

He demonstrates how long, with his fingers.

Easy, says Roo-kai.

Gaius opens his fridge, and takes a large bag of carrots from the vegetable compartment.

Then he seeks out a peeler and knife.

Lastly a chopping board, wooden.

I won't be too long, says Gaius.

He goes. So does Arthur.

Arthur gets on his bike.

I'd invite you, says Gaius, but we'll be talking race business.

Sure, says Arthur. So you're in it this year?

That remains to be seen, says Gaius.

He goes to the shops and buys eveything he needs but the carrots.

Meanwhile Terence has pulled a chair up to stand on, while he peels the carrots.

He climbs onto the chair.

Roo-kai indicates the peeler.

Take one carrot, says Roo-kai.

Terence picks up a carrot.

It reminds him of a previous carrot.

I can't do it, says Terence. Remember our poor French carrot?

Carrots like to be peeled, says Roo-kai. Scrape the outside gently. It probably feels nice.

For the carrot? asks Terence.

Yes, says Roo-kai.

He is not sure it feels nice for the carrot, but Terence needs encouragement.

Terence scrapes.

But something is wrong. It must be a very old carrot. It is bendy. It doesn't peel easily. Chunks of carrot flesh break off.

Look, says Terence, it has a sad face.

It doesn't, says Roo-kai. 

At the top, says Terence. 

That isn't a face, says Roo-kai . That's where the top was cut off.

It's saying OH NO! says Terence.

It's saying hurry up and do the next bit, says Roo-kai. Use the knife.

Terence cheers up at once, and starts wielding the knife.

He cuts the sad face off.

Lengthways! says Roo-kai. Not circles!

Okay, says Terence. That was a one-off.

The sad face lies on the counter looking reproachful, while Terence cuts the rest of its very old body lenthways into what passes in Terence's opinion for equal-sized pieces.

Thank The Vinegar

Thank you for restoring my memory, says Roo-kai.

Don't thank me, thank the vinegar, says Gaius.

Can I try some? asks Terence.

What have you forgotten? asks Gaius.

How do I know? asks Terence.

I suppose there's no harm in it, says Gaius. But go easy on the vinegar. 

Okay, says Terence. 

Terence carefully takes the top off the vinegar bottle, and tips some onto his finger.

He wipes his finger under his nose.

And waits to remember.

Anything? asks Roo-kai.

Give me some clues, says Terence.

Two frogs and a carrot, says Roo-kai.

Yes! says Terence. I remember! Quiet-tartus and the knowlesi! Where are they?

Returned to their habitats, says Gaius. With such tales to tell!

Like the carrot, says Terence.

Not really, says Arthur. The carrot disintegrated.

Alas, says Roo-kai.

Arthur takes the chocolate bar from his pocket, and unwraps it.

Where did you find that? asks Gaius.

In the pantry, says Arthur. Want half?

I'd forgotten it, says Gaius.

Have some vinegar, says Terence.

It is now that he knocks over the bottle.

Approximately 30 mls of vinegar (all there was) spills onto the table and drips to the floor.

Causing Gaius to remember certain things.

Most importantly, he has invited Vello, David and Pierre-Louis Maupertuis for dinner.

He checks his wall calendar. Yes, it's tonight!

And now he is all out of vinegar! 

He'd better go shopping.