A Comedy Of Fractals

The shark eyes Arthur's toe.

Bleeding I see, says the shark.

Arthur lifts his foot out of the water.

I wouldn't, says the shark. You might overbalance.

Arthur puts his foot back in the sea.

Blood has a certain fascination, says the shark. Red blood in the water. Spreading and spreading.

Arthur looks at his blood in the water, spreading and spreading.

But once I have struck up a conversation, says the shark, an attack is verboten. It's a question of ethics.

Good, says Sweezus. Good to hear you have ethics.

I have, says the shark. And a great sense of humour. I see you look doubtful.

Not at all, says Sweezus.

Prove it, says Arthur.

No need to be so aggressive, says the shark. I shall prove it. What is the favourite food of a physicist?

I don't know, says Arthur. What is it?

Fission chips, says the shark. Do you get it?

I get it, says Arthur. Are all your jokes piscatorial in nature?

You can't extrapolate from a single example, says the shark.

Give us another, says Sweezus. That was a goodie. Fission chips. Hahaha!

The shark edges closer to Arthur's toe, from which blood floats gently upwards, in delicate fractals.

I'll give you another, he says. This one's my favourite. What does the B stand for in Benoit B Mandelbrot?

Dunno, says Sweezus. What does it stand for?

Benoit B Mandelbrot, says the shark.

Arthur and Sweezus don't get it.

Don't you get it? says the shark. Mandelbrot. Fractals.

Far out! says Sweezus. That's wicked!

Arthur makes a quick extrapolation from one example.

And has to agree that it's funny.

Who Dares Address A Shark Rudely?

Arthur and Sweezus are way down the beach, with the half empty bottle of absinthe.

Arthur kicks a pebble. Ow! His toe bleeds. Sand gets into it.

He walks into the water.

Yeah, says Sweezus, following him into the shallows. Shit happens sometimes. Bad psychology.

I don't do psychology, says Arthur, taking another swig of the absinthe.

Belle et Bonne does, says Sweezus. You should get her on side. She'll deal with Gaius.

I thought he wanted Lu Ban, says Arthur. He told me to fix it. I fixed it.

Then you fucked up, says Sweezus, grabbing the bottle, and tipping the green liquid down his throat. Glug.

Hey, this absinthe tastes funny! says Sweezus

It does too, says Arthur. Bit like melon.

Scheise! says Sweezus. Sour melon. You know what?

What? says Arthur. No don't tell me. Gaius and his sour grapes ....

Good guess, mate, says Sweezus. But it's worse than that ....

Ploooosh! up comes wee Janice. Out of the water behind them, still wearing the blue pixie hat, green eyes flashing, holding a bottle.

Har, says Janice, like a pirate.

Janice, says Sweezus. What's in that bottle?

Sour melon, says Janice. I think. Hic!

And? says Sweezus.

A bit of your absinthe, says Janice. It's the same colour. I tipped it in, but it was yucky, and I tipped it back.

You've adulterated it, says Sweezus.

You've adulterated everything, says Arthur.

Wow, and I'm only thirteen, says Janice, taking a deep breath and ducking her head under the water.

The point of the pixie hat swims round and round Sweezus and Arthur.

It looks like a shark.

Blub blub.

Actually.

It is a shark.

A shark! yells Arthur.

The shark opens its jaws in a menacing fashion.

Cool it, says Sweezus.

I beg your pardon! says the shark. Who dares to address me so rudely? This is my domain.

We were just leaving, says Sweezus. But first.....have you seen Janice?

What does she look like? asks the shark.

Green swimsuit, blue pointy hat, bottle, says Sweezus. You could hardly miss her.

The shark looks decidedly shifty.

Absinthe And Powerade

Janice is sitting on the sand next to Belle et Bonne's picnic basket, in a green swimsuit.

Surprise, Arthur! says Janice.

Arthur doesn't like his surprise.

Sweezus grins. Ha ha. Arthur's little girlfriend.

Hello Janice, says Belle et Bonne. Where's your dad and Gaius? Gone for a walk?

Over there, says Janice. They keep TALKING.

Go and get them, says Belle. It's time for the picnic.

Janice runs off.

Some surprise, says Arthur.

That's not the surprise, says Belle et Bonne. Open the basket.

Arthur opens the basket . Tucked in beside the turkey sandwiches, watermelon and grapes is a bottle of absinthe.

You can thank Janice for that, says Belle et Bonne.

Wup! says Sweezus. She bought alcohol?

Of course not, says Belle. I bought it. But it was her idea.

Janice comes back with Gaius and Big Janis, still talking.

If you mix it with ink, says Gaius, it protects writings from mice.

You don't say! says Big Janis. Not that I do much writing....

What are you talking about? asks Belle et Bonne.

Wormwood, says Gaius. Big Janis is interested.

I am, I am, says Big Janis. I'm a landscape gardener. I'm interested in all things vegetal.

Vegetal, says Sweezus. That a coooool word.

He and Arthur have opened the absinthe.

Veg-etals says Arthur. I like veg-etals. Even cabbages ....

Janice giggles.

Can I have some?

No, says Belle et Bonne. It's for grown ups. I've got Powerade for you. A green one.

Blerk, says Janice. Powerade sucks.

We drink it, says Sweezus. We drink it a-a-a-all the time. Don't we Gaius?

Pardon? says Gaius. What are you saying?

Pow-er-ade, says Sweezus.

Pow-whirr-ride, says Arthur.

Eat something you two! says Belle et Bonne sharply. Stop drinking that stuff.

Ah yes, says Gaius. Powerade for energy when cycling.... very dangerous....it can give you a rash....

Cycling! says Arthur. Gaius, I've got something to tell you......

He scratches his head. What was it.....? The green fairy blows in his ear.....

Belle hands him a sandwich. He waves it over his head. The turkey falls out. And the cranberry.

Blood! cries Arthur.

Chill out Arthur, says Sweezus. Just say Ommmm.

Ommmm, says Arthur.

That always works. Arthur remembers.

Lu Ban wants to be CAPTAIN, says Arthur.

Oh does he? says Gaius. A Chinese beginner!

And he wants a contract, mumbles Arthur.

A CONTRACT! says Gaius. I'll give him a contract.

And the mice can eat it, says Big Janis, laughing.

Exactly, says Gaius, taking a handful of grapes. He bites into one savagely.

Oh Arthur. This is not going well.

Lurking Dragons And Sharks

It's Boxing Day. A good day for an outing. Belle et Bonne is driving Arthur and Sweezus to Henley Beach in David's car.

Arthur's phone rings.

Hello? says Arthur.

Hi, Arthur! says Rosamunda. Merry Christmas from China!

Rosamunda! says Arthur. You're alive!

Belle et Bonne raises her eyebrows at Sweezus.

Why shouldn't Rosamunda be alive?

Sweezus shrugs.

Do they have Christmas in China? asks Arthur.

Course they do, says Rosamunda. Christmas trees and presents and everything. And guess what. They don't close the shops. But the reason I'm calling is that I want to ask you a question.

Ask away, says Arthur.

Remember Lu Ban? says Rosamunda. Carpenter immortal? Dragon bike?

Yes, says Arthur.

Well, he's ready, says Rosamunda. The dragon bicycle is perfected. Have you teed everything up with Gaius?

Sure, says Arthur. Lu Ban's in the team.

Thing is, says Rosamunda. You know what he's like. He'll expect to be captain.

He'll be captain, says Arthur.

And he wants a contract, says Rosamunda.

Sure, says Arthur. I'll fix it. When are you coming?

I'll let you know, says Rosamunda. Say hi to Belle et Bonne for me.

Rosamunda says hi, says Arthur.

Hi  Rosie! trills Belle et Bonne.

Rosamunda rings off.

What's this? says Sweezus. Who'll be captain?

Lu Ban, says Arthur. Carpenter immortal. He's coming over for the Tour Down Under.

He can't just be captain, says Sweezus. Gaius won't like it.

Gaius will come round, says Arthur. Lu Ban has the ultimate dragon bicycle. He's just perfected it.

Sweezus wonders if Vello and David know about this new bicycle.

We're here! says Belle et Bonne. Doesn't the sea look lovely! Now where shall I park? There's no shade.

She parks the car on a side street. Gets out the picnic basket. They cross the road and walk down to the beach.

What's in the picnic basket? asks Arthur.

Turkey sandwiches, says Belle et Bonne. With lettuce, avocado and cranberry sauce. Followed by watermelon and grapes. And a surprise for you Arthur. But first let's go for a swim.

The sea is rippling, translucent and shallow. Tiny fish dart in and out of electrical currents of sunlight. You have to wade out  a long way for a decent swim.

Sweezus and Arthur and Belle float out to where sharks are quite possibly lurking.

There might be sharks this far out, says  Belle et Bonne.

Arthur hopes so.

Nah, says Sweezus. There won't be.

There is always someone who thinks that there won't be.

Nevertheless, they decide to swim back to the shore.

They return, dripping and intact to the picnic basket, to be met by Arthur's surprise.

Funny Riddles: Baboooommmm!

There follows a rustling of paper. Paper hats are now on.

Wonderful stuffing, Katherine, says Vello.

My mother used to make it, says Katherine. I have always liked sage and onion. Would you like some, Arthur?

No, thanks, says Arthur. I feel a bit strange.

It'll be those worms, says Katherine.

Not likely, says Big Janis. They're not that sort of worms. Gaius and I were just talking......

What happened to the cowboy who wore paper trousers? says Janice.

Pardon, dear? says Katherine.

It's a riddle, says Sweezus. I already know it. Does anyone else?

Intestinal worms, says Gaius, are best cured by wormwood.

Wormwood? says David. Do you drink it or what?

Artemisia absinthium, says Big Janis. You can drink it.

He got arrested for RUSTLING! cries Janice.

Ha ha ha! laughs Belle et Bonne. Good one Janice. Now try and  guess this one. What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?

Artemisia absinthium. Is that like absinthe? asks Arthur.

Oh yes, says Big Janis. Same stuff.

My favourite drink, says Arthur, wistfully. Me and Paul used to drink it and fight.

Janice makes a mental note, before pondering the riddle.

He got twenty five days! says Belle et Bonne.

No one gets it, for a moment. Then Janice remembers.

Yes! Like chocolates! One for each day.

Sort of, says Belle et Bonne. He went to prison for stealing.

Oh, says Janice, eyeing  the spatula. Could this happen to Arthur? No way.

This is jolly, says Vello. Who's for more Blue Cabbage Water?

I am, says Arthur. If there's no wormwood.

Wonderful stuff, says Gaius. Did you know wormwood, if worn under a cummerbund, prevents swelling of the groin?

Was that in your cracker? says Katherine. Because if it was......

I assure you, Katherine, it wasn't, says Gaius. My riddle is as yet unfurled. What do you call a monkey in a minefield? Oh ha ha! This is too funny! You'll never guess the answer..........Baboooommmm!

No One Is Immortal

It is Arthur. Katherine opens the door.

Arthur! cries Janice. I thought you weren't coming!

I wasn't, says Arthur. But then I felt hungry, and no shops are open..

Come in dear, says Katherine, giving Arthur a kiss on the cheek. Merry Christmas!

Arthur looks at the table.

Oysters. He takes one.

Don't eat it? cries Katherine. It has worms!

That shows how fresh it is, says Arthur, swallowing his oyster.

I was just going to say that, says Big Janis.

This is my dad, says Janice. Dad this is Arthur.

Big Janis looks at Arthur. Another cyclist by the look of his knees.

Pleased to meet you, says Big Janis. I hear you took care of my daughter.

No, he didn't, says Janice. It was Belle et Bonne. Arthur says you should do what you like. That's what he does. He's my mentor.

Big Janis looks confused.

Arthur pulls a long red package out of his pocket and gives it to Sweezus.

Present for you, says Arthur.

I haven't got you one, says Sweezus.

It's not my birthday, says Arthur.

Everyone suddenly realises it's Sweezus's birthday.

Damn! Christmas! Of course it's his birthday.

Sweezus unwraps his present. A spatula.

A spatula, says Sweezus. Freakin' awesome. Thanks Arthur. That's one less thing to buy.

Ah yes, for your pop up enterprise, says Vello. A spatula. Good thinking, Arthur.

Where did you buy it? asks Katherine. Wheel and Barrow? It looks like a good one.

I didn't buy it, says Arthur.

Janice looks adoringly at Arthur. He didn't buy it.

Dinner! says Katherine. Sit down at the table everyone.

They sit at the table, and pull crackers. David pours Sparkling Apple, and Blue Cabbage Water with wedges of lemon.

Gaius sits next to Big Janis. They start up a conversation about worms.

Vello is whispering to David about something he has learned recently,

Immortal! splutters David. No one is immortal!

Shh! hisses Vello.

Anyone for a pickle ? says Belle et Bonne.

Paper hats ON, everyone! says Katherine.

What Goes With Seafood At Christmas

It's Christmas Day. Everyone is invited to Mrs Hume's for Christmas dinner, including Janice, and Janice's dad.

Katherine is cooking a turkey.

Ding dong. The door bell. She opens the door.

Mother! says David. That smells good. What's the stuffing?

Sage and onion, says Katherine. Your favourite. Although sage doesn't smell like it used to.....

Dear Katherine! says Vello. Merry Christmas! Sage doesn't smell like it used to? Surely that can't be true?

Perhaps it's an Australian variety, sniffs Katherine. Have a mince pie.

Thank you, says Vello. Did you make them?

No they are Mr Kipling's, says Katherine. They are always quite nice. Not too much pastry...

You don't say? says Vello, looking at the thick yellow pastry.

Ding dong. The door bell. She opens the door.

Katherine! says Belle et Bonne. Merry Christmas! You look well.

I am, says Katherine. Apart from my feet.

This is Janice, says Belle et Bonne. And Janice's dad, Big Janis.

Pleased to meet you, says Big Janis.  This is awfully kind.

No trouble at all, says Katherine. What's this, a present for me? You needn't have.

Yes, says Big Janis. For you.

It's oysters, says Janice. Where's Arthur?

Not here yet, dear , says Katherine. Oysters, how lovely. And what a nice pixie hat.

Demon cap, says Janice. When will Arthur get here?

When Sweezus gets here, says Belle et Bonne. He's picking up Gaius.

Sweezus? says Big Janis. The Tour de France cyclist?

We are all Tour de France cyclists, says David. Not just him. Vello and I are the backbone of Team Philosophe.

Pardon me, says Big Janis. I had no idea I was dining with cycling royalty.

Could someone open the oysters? says Katherine. I have no idea what to do with oysters. I never eat oysters.

They are open already, mother, says David. See? Just put them in the fridge.

Ding dong. The door bell.

Vello opens the door.

It's Sweezus and Gaius. But not Arthur.

Hello, Mrs Hume, says Sweezus. I've brought some drinks.

We have plenty of drinks, says Mrs Hume. All of them Sparkling Apple.

Good man, says Vello, taking two large bottles from Sweezus. Something different. What is it? Good gracious, it's blue!

You haven't seen anything yet, says Sweezus. It's my new pop up beverage, to go with my Sweezies Tender Cuttlies. You guys can be the guinea pigs.

That looks just like Beverleys's cabbage water, says Big Janis.

It kind of is, says Sweezus, but with a twist.

David, get some glasses, says Katherine.

And the oysters? says David. It might go well with oysters.

Pooh! says Katherine. Oh well I suppose so. Get them out of the fridge.

Have you got any lemons? says Sweezus. I forgot to bring any.

Luckily, Katherine always has one or two lemons, in case she buys fish.

Soon everyone ( except Gaius ) has a glass of blue cabbage water, an oyster and a wedge of lemon.

Now, says Sweezus. Squeeze the lemon into the glass, like this. He squeezes his wedge of lemon into his blue cabbage water.

The blue water turns pink.

Fantastic! says Vello, admiringly.

I say! says David. Well done!

Well, blow me, says Big Janis. What does it taste like?

Janice takes a big gulp of pink water.

Yuck. It tastes fouler than ever.

Arrrgh! cries Katherine.

What's wrong, mother? cries David. You haven't even tried it.

Look! Look at the oysters! says Katherine. They're moving!

Oh dear, says Big Janis. Sorry. That's worms.

Ding dong. Door bell.

Let's hope this is Arthur at last.

The Hitch Hiking Psychopath Version

An hour and a half later, Belle et Bonne and David pull up in Dublin and get out of the car.

They go into the roadhouse.

Hello, says Belle et Bonne to the proprietor. We're looking for our friends. Have you seen them?

(You can ask that in Dublin).

Two young chaps? says the proprietor, and a little girl dressed like a pixie?

Little girl, says Belle et Bonne. How little?

About this high, says the proprietor. She went off down the road in a huff. The two young fellas went after her.

We didn't see them, says David.

Don't know how you could miss 'em says the proprietor. Unless they got picked up by a psychopath.

Hitch hiking! says David. Very foolish.

Yep, agrees the proprietor. They could've got murdered.......

Belle et Bonne doesn't believe it.

Does anyone?

No, this is what really happened.

Belle et Bonne and David  pull up outside the roadhouse in Dublin.

Arthur and Sweezus come out.

Get in, you two, says Belle et Bonne. Move up in the back there, Janice.

Arthur and Sweezus get in, next to Janice.

Want a red snake? says Janice.

Awesome, says Sweezus. As long as it's clean.

It's as clean as it's long, says Janice. But it's not very long.

Now then says Belle et Bonne. You boys have some explaining to do. How could you let little Janice run off by herself in this heat and not even go after her!

Yes, how could they? It was most irresponsible.

And I'm only thirteen, says Janice.

We know, says Arthur. You left us a babyish clue.

Belle et Bonne starts the engine.

All's well that ends well, she says. Let's enjoy the drive home.

It's hardly attractive, says David. All those low red brown dead looking bushes.......

That's samphire, says Belle et Bonne. Some people like it. They call this the Samphire Coast.

There used to be statues, says Janice. A tin man.....

And a cockroach, says Sweezus. But it's gone.

How was your trip? asks David. Did you catch anything?

We caught it from Gaius, says Arthur. We wrote a truthful  report on the Twitcher, and Gaius got into trouble from the environmentalists and fundraisers.

But no cuttlies, says Sweezus.  So much for my food van.

You've got plenty of time, says Belle et Bonne. Forkmas was cancelled.

No kidding? says Sweezus. What's Forkmas?

You don't know? says Belle et Bonne. Honestly, you need a manager.

Yeah, says Sweezus. I do.

It was a special Christmas Fork On The Road pop up van dinner, says Belle. But it was too hot and windy, so they cancelled it. That means you have plenty of time till the next one.

Christmas time, sings Janice. Christ-m-a-a-a-a-a-s time! I love you.

Ah, says David. The simple joys of a child at Christmas. When we get back to Adelaide, the first thing we must do is find your daddy.

Janice turns her green eyes upon David.

No way José! I'm sticking with Arthur.

Sweezus punches Arthur in the arm that is closest.

Looks like Arthur's got an admirer.

That's not it, says Janice. He started it. Now he's stuck with his demon. Sucked in.

Everyone laughs except Arthur, to whom the hitch hiking psychopath version begins to look preferable.....

Good Philosopher Bad Philosopher

Sheeesh, nine years old, says Sweezus. How'd you know?

Just guessing, says Arthur.

Go after her, says the proprietor. It's too hot out there.

Sweezus goes to the door and sticks his head out. Where is Janice? He can't see her.

He goes outside. Yes, the day is a stinker.

He looks left and right. Nothing. He looks down.

There's something red on the ground. He walks over.

Red snakes, in the dirt, in the shape of a number. Thirteen.

Heaviness! says Sweezus. Something's happened to Janice.

He goes back inside.

Come out here and see this, says Sweezus. Arthur joins him outside.

Thirteen, says Arthur. Little trickster. I bet she'll be hiding.

But she isn't. The demon has gone.

She is way down the road.

She is sweating.

Sweat pours down her face from under the demon cap.

Her green eyes water.

But she isn't crying.

She is thirteen. Now they will know.

...........

Gaius has arrived back in Adelaide and stepped off the bus.

He looks around for a man who might be the father of Janice. But no one fits that description.

He heads straight for the Velosophy office, where Vello and Le Bon David are relaxing.

Gaius! says Vello. Back from your travels! All alone?

Temporarily, says Gaius. Arthur and Sweezus got off the bus in Dublin.

Extraordinary! says David. Any reason?

A demonic girl, says Gaius.

Say no more, says Vello. Although.....

Gaius! says Belle et Bonne, coming into the office. How was Wallaroo? Where are the others? Did Sweezie catch any cuttlefish?

Not one, says Gaius. He learned some valuable lessons however.

I'm so glad, says Belle et Bonne. Where is he?

He stayed in Dublin, says Vello. Isn't that funny! With Arthur and a demonic girl.

Dressed like a pixie, says Gaius. Handing out bad smelling water.

A girl? says Belle et Bonne. And what do you mean by demonic?

A poisoner, a thief and a runaway, says Gaius, but there may be extenuating circumstances.

Dublin, says Belle et Bonne. That's not far away is it? I'll drive out there. Can I borrow your car Uncle David?

Wonderful idea, says David. I'll come with you.

They hurry down the stairs to the car park.

Good luck to them, mutters Gaius.

Cup of tea? says Vello. Oh wait. Belle has gone.

Can't you make tea? says Gaius.

Not very well, says Vello. There might be beer in the fridge though.

There is. They both grab a beer and sit down.

Got a team for the Tour Down Under? asks Vello, leaning back with his feet on the table.

Great Jupiter! says Gaius. I was thinking of going to the Pilbara. When is the Tour?

The 19th of January, says Vello. Team Philosophe has the usual formidable line up. Who have you got this year?

No one yet ...... just me and Arthur, says Gaius.... and then he remembers Lu Ban!

Oh yes, and a Chinese chap with a new dragon bicycle, says Gaius. Arthur teed him up.

Really, says Vello. Tell me more.

No no, says Gaius. Less said the better. Top secret.

Have another? says Vello, opening the fridge door and smiling an innocuous smile.

Temptation In The Desert

The bus pulls away from the roadhouse in a blast of hot air.

Now what? says Sweezus.

Wait till this hot air blows away, says Arthur.

The demon pixie grins.

The hot air shows no sign of blowing anywhere.

It's a hot day in Dublin.

Let's go into the roadhouse, says Sweezus, and figure out what to do next.

They go into the roadhouse.

Welcome to Dublin! says the proprietor. Hot enough for you?...... You all right, little girl?

Janice has sat down on the floor.

Would you like a drink of water? asks the proprietor.

Yes, says Janice. We all would. We've only got stinky cabbage water.

Here you are, says the proprietor, bringing three glasses of water from the tap.

What brings you to Dublin? asks the proprietor. No one gets off the bus here.

A random act, already regretted, says Arthur.

Oho! says the proprietor. Not good enough for you? I suppose you think there's nothing to do.

What is there to do? asks Sweezus. I've heard there's this massive metal cockroach.....

Bad luck, says the proprietor. It's not here any more. They took it to Adelaide.

Awesome, says Sweezus. We're heading there.

Why'd you get off the bus then? asks the proprietor.

We wanted to walk, says Janice. Didn't we boys? We just decided. We do random things.

No we don't says Arthur. I do. You've just tagged along.

This reminds Sweezus of the reason he got off the bus. He bends down face to face with  Janice.

May I have a snake? he asks nicely.

No, says Janice. Everyone sucks.

Haha, laughs the proprietor. Little sisters!

I'm not his little sister, says Janice, glaring at the proprietor in what she thinks is a demon-like fashion.

Or his, she adds, pointing at Arthur. I hardly know them.

Well, well, says the proprietor, and how old are you, darling?

None of your beeswax, says Janice.

The proprietor looks enquiringly at Sweezus.

Sweezus is stumped. How is he to know how old she is?

Nine, says Arthur.

Janice is more than insulted. She is outraged. Nine! But wait. Perhaps Arthur is testing her.

She gives him a pitying look, and walks out of the door of the roadhouse, into the blistering heat.

Responsibility And The Lure Of Red Snakes

Gaius wakes up from his dream of three billion year old rock microbes.

After a dream like that, you tend to see things in perspective.

But now, where is Arthur? And Sweezus?

There they are at the front of the bus. Standing up.

Gaius gets up and walks down the center aisle to the front of the bus where he gets a nasty surprise.

You! says Gaius. What are you doing here?

Magic, says Janice.

Nonsense, says Gaius. Arthur. Why is she here?

I don't know, says Arthur.

Oh yes you do, says Janice.You're the reason.

Woah! says Sweezus. Did she follow you?

The bus driver keeps his eyes on the road, but he is listening.

No, says Janice. But I took his advice. He said demons don't have to be old enough.

I think you will find that they do, says Gaius. This may be seen as a kidnap.

Toss-pot! says the demon, pulling her pixie hat over her nose.

I see no option but to call your mother, says Gaius. Much as I would like not to have to explain.....

He takes out his phone and calls Beverley.

Beverley answers.

Beverley, it's Gaius, says Gaius.

Oh really, says Beverley. You left in rather a hurry. You should have told me. I even called the police.

There was no need, says Gaius.

There were blood stains, says Beverley.

Not mine, says Gaius. One of my rescuers slipped on the biscuit your daughter threw over the side.

I trust you are not blaming my daughter, says Beverley.

Speaking of whom, says Gaius. Do you know where she is?

Of course I know where she is, says Beverley. On the bus to Adelaide to visit her dad for Christmas.

Good, says Gaius. That's all I needed to know.

What do you mean? says Beverley. Are you on the same bus? You and Arthur. And that Sweezus?

Yes, says Gaius. We are.

Then do me a favour, says Beverley. See she gets there.

Where? says Gaius. Where is she going?

The bus goes under some power lines, outside Dublin. The phone crackles and cuts out.

What did mum say? says Janice from under the pixie hat.

Gaius looks at Janice. He thinks he understands something. She didn't want him to wear her dad's pyjamas. That's human nature.

Don't worry, Janice, says Gaius. We shall see you get to your daddy's.

Bee-artch! says Janice. As if I'm going to dad's place. I'm travelling with Arthur.

Next stop Dublin, says the bus driver.

I'm getting off there, says Arthur.

Me too, says Janice. She scrunches up her packet of red snakes and drops it into her back pack.

Me too, says Sweezus. Where red snakes go, there go I.

Suit yourselves, says Gaius. To be honest, I'm glad to be relieved of the responsibility.

Screee! The bus stops at a road house.

Three people get off, two of whom ought to know better.

Health Benefits Of Red Cabbage Water

The vegetable smell at the front of the bus is pervasive.

That's weird, says Sweezus. I thought I could smell red snakes. Now it's like....cabbage.

That'll be this drink, says Arthur. Want some?

He can't have any unless I say so, says Janice.

What is it? says Sweezus. It's blue.

Green, says Arthur.

He holds it up to the light of the window.

It is blue.

I'll pass, says Sweezus. Did you drink some?

Yes, says Arthur. When I thought it was green. Is it toxic?

I told you, Mum makes it, says Janice.

What with? says Sweezus.

Red cabbage, says Janice. It's red cabbage water.

No way! says Sweezus. Why's it blue?

Science, says Janice. Something about carbon dioxide.

It's a pigment , says the bus driver, over his shoulder. A pigment called anthocyanin that goes blue in an alkaline solution. When you boil the red cabbage the water turns alkaline because heat expels the carbon dioxide that's normally dissolved in water at room temperature. That's why red cabbage water is blue.

That's what I said, says Janice.

Let me try it, says Sweezus. He sips it.

Missing something, says Sweezus. It's got no zing. Maybe a dash of lemon....

That would turn it pink, says the driver. Being acidic.

Awesome! says Sweezus. I could sell that. Arthur, got a pencil?

Arthur feels in his pocket. Broken bamboo sticks, half a scorpion.... and.... a pencil he borrowed some time ago and failed to give back.

Wow, says Sweezus, China Airways! Thanks Arthur.

He writes: RED CABBAGE WATER and LEMON. Then he writes : ANTHOCYANIN.

Is that right? He shows it to the driver.

You are not supposed to show things to the driver. He might crash the bus.

The driver nods without looking. As if he would care. You meet all kinds of weird types on the road.

Human Nature In All Its Variety

The bus rumbles through the crispy dry brown landscape on the way back to Adelaide.

It's hot out there.

Gaius falls into a reverie. Wallaroo is behind him. Now what is he going to do? He has heard of a recent discovery in the Pilbara where rock microbes have been found that could be the oldest evidence for life on earth. Three and a half billion year old rock microbes. They have to be less troublesome than sepia apama.....after all, they're not going anywhere......zzzz.....Gaius is asleep.

Sweezus too is feeling sleepy, having stayed up all night. He is thinking about his pop-up food van, and how he hasn't yet acquired any food. Nor has he got a van. But on the plus side, he has an awesome recipe. What was it again? He should've written it down.

Arthur is thirsty.

Anything to drink? he says to Sweezus.

Sweezus searches in his back pack. No. Nothing.

Arthur looks across to Gaius. Gaius is sleeping.

Arthur gets up and walks to the front of the bus.

Two green eyes follow his progress from under a blue pixie cap.

Hello demon, says Arthur. Nice pixie cap.

Demon cap, says Janice.

I don't think so, says Arthur. It's pointy.

Like you would know, says Janice. And when I get to Adelaide, I'm dying my hair.

She reaches into her back pack and brings out a bottle.

Is that a drink or the hair dye? says Arthur. Because if it's a drink.......

Are you thirsty? says Janice. Then it's a drink. My mum makes it. Here have some.

She unscrews the lid. A vegetable smell pervades the front of the bus.

No eating, says the driver.

It's not food, says Janice.

It's green, says Arthur. What is it?

Guess, says Janice.

Arthur drinks it, but he still can't guess.

Want a red snake? says Janice. I brought all demon things. She pulls  a red snake from a bag

No thanks, says Arthur.

Do I smell red snakes? calls Sweezus, from the back of the bus.

No eating! says the driver.

But it's too late now.

Red snakes are Sweezus's favourite.

He makes his way to the front of the bus.

Sufficient Unto The Day

Arthur has dropped down onto the rocks below the balcony, to find a bloody scene.

Jazzman has slipped over on the biscuit, scraping his knees and elbows.

Sweezus is looking for something, anything, to soak up all the blood.

Pete has seen a piece of paper wedged between two rocks and gone to get it.

What happened to him? says Arthur.

Slipped, says Sweezus. Got a bandage?

Still using it, says Arthur.  But I could take it off.

Jazzman shakes his head.

Pete brings back the paper. It looks like the sort of paper that wraps up fish and chips.

In fact, it is exactly that sort of paper. There are chip crumbs sticking to it, and grains of salt. He dabs at Jazzman's bleeding knees and elbows with the dirty paper.

Ouch! yells Jazzman! That bloody stings!

Shh! says Arthur. Gaius is escaping.

Good, says Sweezus. Where is he?

At the front, says Arthur.

Arthur and Sweezus clamber up the rocks and round the side of the house. They reach the front door just as Gaius is emerging.

Good lads! says Gaius. Make haste!

Arthur and Sweezus are all for that. And here comes Pete supporting Jazzman, limping, his knees stuck up with bleeding paper.

They head off down the street, leaving a trail of blood.

.............

Next morning, Gaius, Sweezus and Arthur are at the bus stop waiting for the bus, when along comes Vincent, the local policeman.

Hello, Gaius, says Vincent. Are you aware you've been reported missing?

Vincent! says Gaius. What would you say to an attempted poisoning ?

Well, well, says Vincent. Poisoning eh? Will you be laying any charges?

No, no, says Gaius. I have recovered, and been rescued. Let that be sufficient unto the day. Now you must excuse us, Vincent, here comes our bus.

The bus rolls in, and stops. Gaius, Sweezus and Arthur get on, and find three seats near the back.

The seats have high backs and they do not see the demon getting on.

The demon settles down low in one of the front seats near the driver.

The minutes tick by.

The driver starts the engine. Goodbye Wallaroo.

Looks like Jazzman isn't coming, says Sweezus.

Did he say he was? says Arthur.

Yeah, he said he might, says Sweezus. But he's got those injuries.

That wouldn't have stopped me, says Arthur.

I know, says Sweezus. He's not all that dynamic.

You think I'm dynamic? says Arthur.

No, says Sweezus. But you're more dynamic than he is. And you have a way of making people think they can do anything. Like me for instance. And that Rosamunda, and Bunny Moon.

Arthur is pleased to think that he has made several people think they can do anything.

Unknown to him, his latest effort is sitting curled up at the front

The Temptation Of The Young Demon

Jazzman, Pete, Sweezus and Arthur make their way round to the marina.

There is only one house with a light on.

That's Beverley's house, says Jazzman. That's where he'll be.

Should we knock on the front door? says Sweezus.

Female devils might answer, says Arthur.

Woo-ooh, says Pete. Better approach from the water.

Yeah, says Jazzman. Follow me.

They sneak round the side of the house to the back where the rocks meet the water.

There is the usual clinking of boats and a rhythmical creaking.

I hear a rhythmical creaking, says Arthur. It's coming from up there.

By now they are under the decking of Beverley's house.

Now what? whispers Sweezus.

Shh! says Jazzman. We climb up. You go first.

You go first, says Sweezus. You know Beverley.

I'll go first, says Arthur, hoisting himself up by the decking and over the railing. Thud! He lands on the balcony near the hammock.

Eeek! cries Janice, from the depths of the hammock. An intruder! Go away!  Mum! Mum!

Beverley? says Arthur.

What? says Janice. Are you nuts?

If you're not Beverley, says Arthur, you must be a female demon.

Janice is delighted by this. A female demon. She has always suspected as much.

Actually...... says Janice

We came to find Gaius, says Arthur.

We? says Janice. Its just you. And Gaius is in there, in bed. Unless he's gone to the bathroom again. He keeps going.

You poisoned him, says Arthur.

Oh yes, agrees Janice.

And stole his biscuit, says Arthur.

That too, says Janice. It's down there on the rocks getting soggy.

And made him wear your father's pyjamas, says Arthur, getting it wrong.

No, you got that wrong, says Janice. If he had, I would have killed him. A demon can kill in a heartbeat.

Prove it, says Arthur.

Just at that moment a bloodcurdling shout issues up from below.

Janice giggles.

Someone's slipped on the biscuit, she says.

Arthur looks over the railing.

Then he looks back at Janice.

Her eyes glow unnaturally green.

Lucky, says Arthur.

The window behind Janice flies up. Gaius looks out.

Arthur! says Gaius. You came! Do you have a rope ladder?

Of course not, says Arthur. Just walk through the front door. I'll keep the demon talking.

The window slams down.

Keep me talking, says Janice.

You're bored living here, says Arthur.

Yep, says Janice. Bored bored bored.

Why don't you leave? says Arthur.

Not old enough, says Janice.

Demons don't have to be old enough, says Arthur. Think about it.

Janice lies back in the hammock and thinks about it.

When she sits up, Arthur has gone.

Beset By Female Devils

It's Janice, with a torch. She shines it through the open widow on to Gaius.

He opens his eyes. Who is it? He is blinded and can't see a thing.

Janice says nothing. She swings her legs over the window sill and sits there, facing into the bedroom.

Gaius sits up on the bed.

Good! says Janice. You're not wearing dad's pyjamas.

Of course I'm not, says Gaius. Is that Janice?

Yes, says Janice. Do you know what would have happened if you had been?

Had been what? says Gaius. 

Wearing them, says Janice. 

No, says Gaius. What? 

Never mind, says Janice. You're not, so it doesn't matter. I'm going. Do you still want the window open?

No, says Gaius. You never know what might come in.

Janice swings her legs back over the window sill and jumps down to the decking outside.

Bang goes the window.

Gaius can't sleep now. Dad's pyjamas.....seagulls..... biscuits......! 

His stomach hurts.

He takes out his phone to call Arthur.

.............

Meanwhile, at Magazine Point, Sweezus, Jazzman and Pete are discussing opportunities.

It's fine for you Pete, says Jazzman. There'll always be snakes.

Yeah, says Pete Turner. And I'm not going anywhere. This is my country.

Yeah but it's different for me, says Jazzman.

Start something up, says Sweezus. You've got qualifications. 

Nah, says Jazzman. Well yeah, I've got qualifications.....but no entrepreneurial spirit, like you've got. 

You reckon? says Sweezus. I'm not sure. I never caught any cuttlies. 

You got a recipe, says Jazzman.

You got a recipe? says Pete. That's a start.

To this hotbed of high flying entrepreneurial discussion comes Arthur, back from his pee.

I saw wombats, says Arthur.

Blow me. And you're still with us? says Pete. 

They weren't too friendly, says Arthur

Never are, says Pete. Not now they've got mange. At least you didn't fall down their hole.

Arthur sits down on a rock. His phone rings.

It's Gaius.

Arthur, says Gaius. Where are you?

Out, says Arthur. Under the stars with the wombats. On the rocks. Near the sea.

Very helpful, says Gaius. I am in bed in a house overlooking the marina, beset by female devils stealing my biscuits and accusing me of wearing the wrong pyjamas and it now seems entirely possible my cocoa was poisoned.......

His voice fades. Arthur's phone has run out of battery.

Was that Gaius? asks Sweezus. Where is he?

With female devils, says Arthur. At the marina. Should we go and see?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Coming you guys?

Too right! says Jazzman.

Yeah! says Pete.

Who says there's nothing to do in the country after ten o'clock? Hell, make that midnight at least!

Beauty Sadness Revenge

Jazzman's mum isn't sleeping. She is reading a Japanese novel.

What time is it? Two thirty. When will Jazzman come home?

She goes back to reading the novel. It's called Beauty and Sadness. She would have called it Revenge.

The strangely beautiful Keiko is planning the death of the son of the man who once had an affair with her lover and ruined her life.

There are descriptions of pine-clad mountains, stone steps and old temples. Raindrops trembling from pine needle tips......

Not like the Wallaroo landscape.

She wonders how long Jazzman will stay.

.........

Arthur has not got up carelessly and wandered off in the dark for no reason. He just needs a pee.

He even looks down once or twice, remembering the warning. What was it? Snakes? Wombats? Or both?

What's that rustling noise?

It's a wombat, being nocturnal.

Get away, says the wombat. Don't pee here.

Arthur turns and pees in the other direction. Another wombat comes out to complain.

We're protected, says the wombat.

What's the problem then? says Arthur. I'm not protected.

You don't have sarcoptic mange, says the wombat.

I'm sorry, says Arthur.

Arthur makes his way back to Magazine Rock.

Did he just say sorry? says the first wombat. That's a bit rich.

Depends, says the second wombat, an apologist.

.........

Gaius has finished his cocoa and biscuits. Now what? Beverley has offered him a bed.

And the loan of her husband's pyjamas.

Won't he need them? says Gaius.

Ha ha, laughs Beverley. No, he's got more than one pair of pyjamas.

I prefer to sleep in my clothes, says Gaius.

Suit yourself, says Beverley, showing him into a  bedroom. If you need anything, give me a hoy. The bathroom is just down the passage.

Gaius is feeling uncomfortable, he isn't sure why.

Perhaps the cocoa.

And that Janice. Why had she broken his biscuit and thrown it away?

It was unnatural.

A normal young person would have .....what? Eaten the biscuit?

Unless it was for the seagulls.....

Yes the seagulls......

Gaius opens the window. The clinking sounds of the marina, the lapping of water, a night bird .........

He lies down on the bed, closes his eyes and drifts off.

A shadow falls across the sill of the open window.

Making The Most Of What You Have While It's There

Gaius too is experiencing a magical night. He is sitting on Beverley's balcony overlooking the marina, drinking hot cocoa and eating homemade ginger snaps.

Beverley's daughter has joined them, having heard them come in.

This is my daughter Janice, says Beverley. She should be in bed.

She gives Janice an equivocal look.

Janice flops into a hammock and rocks back and forth like a sailor.

Who's he? says Janice. Was he at the meeting?

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Beverley. He's the one.

The one, says Janice. Oh, that one!

Janice drops out of the hammock and onto the deck.

What happened to the Twitcher? says Janice. Tell me the absolute truth.

There is no such thing.... begins Gaius.

You lost him! says Janice. I knew it!

Now Janice, says Beverley. There are two versions of the story. One is that the Twitcher went to Kas and was reunited with his beloved and they had many children, all red and gold, and quite big.

Yes but... says Gaius.

I like it, says Janice, coming right up to where Gaius is sitting, her face very close to his biscuit. What's the other?

The Twitcher is still in Dubai, says Beverley quickly. So you see...

Dubai! says Janice. My friend Fadi went there.

She snaps off a large chunk of Gaius's biscuit, and tosses it over the railing onto the wet rocks below. Then she returns to her bedroom.

Gaius eats what remains of his biscuit, and thinks about taking another.

...........

Meanwhile, at Magazine Point, all is quiet except for the fizzing and hissing of stars.

Sweezus, Arthur and Jazzman are thinking similar thoughts.

How cool would it be if there was an explosion.

All at once beams flash into the sky and light the powder magazine eerily.

Who's there? says Jazzman.

All right, where's this snake? says someone, coming closer, blinding them with his torch.

Snake? says Jazzman. There's no snake.

Hairy nosed wombat? says the person.

Pete? says Jazzman. Pete Turner?

The same, says Pete Turner. I got this call, see, so I came. Who're these guys?

Sweezus and Arthur, says Jazzman. They're with me. And we're not doing anything.

What might we be doing? says Arthur.

Hooning, says Pete Turner. Trashing the coast. Trail bikes and quad bikes. Vandalism, graffiti and that. But you're with Jazzman.

Jazzman looks suspicious.

Was it mum that called you? says Jazzman.

Yeah, says Pete Turner.

Sit down, says Jazzman. Guys, this is Pete Turner, snake catcher.

Are there snakes? says Arthur

Course there are, says Pete Turner. I should know.

And hairy nosed wombats? says Sweezus.

You bet, says Pete Turner. If you don't have a torch you should be careful walking about here at night.

This adds a new dimension to the landscape.

Arthur gets up and walks off into the blackness, not being careful.

Will he fall down a hole? asks Sweezus.

Yeah, says Peter Turner. He sure will.

Magic Night

Jazzman takes them to Magazine Point, via sharp rocks. The sky is black and starry.

Powder Magazine, says Jazzman, pointing.

It's just an old broken down building, says Sweezus.

Yeah but it looks kinda scary, says Jazzman. What if it's haunted? Woohoo.

Is it? says Arthur. He hopes so.

Nah, says Jazzman. Not really. It's where they kept gunpowder stores in the old days.

My knees are bleeding, says Arthur. Wait a minute.

He sits down on an uncomfortable rock, and feels in his pocket for a bandage.

You all right? says Jazzman.

Yes, says Arthur. I'm used to it.

Sweezus looks up at the stars, of which there are many.

Woah! says Sweezus. You see heaps more stars in the country.

Jazzman looks up. Yeah, you do. Makes you think......

Think what? says Sweezus.

Stuff, says Jazzman. What's life all about? Why did I bother to study? What use is my MBA? Did you guys do any study?

Yeah, says Sweezus. I did a creative writing class. And Arthur reckons he was a whizz at school. He knows all the classics. It was back in the day when you did them. Plus he lived in France

Arthur is looking up at the stars feeling blood trickling down into his shoe. It's going to be sticky.

Give us a poem, says Jazzman.

Me? says Arthur. Why don't you?

Okay, says Jazzman. Don't laugh though:

The stars are like static they buzz in the sky
Electric and fizzing like a just zapped fly.

Wicked! says Sweezus. Let me try:

The stars shine down on the powder magazine
It glows in the ..... shit I can't finish it. What rhymes with magazine?

Paraffin? says Arthur.

In your dreams, says Jazzman.

Exactly, says Arthur.

The stars are scum on a black velvet ocean.
Paraffin twisting and circling in translucent rainbows
Promising endless desecrations
The powder magazine chokes on the rocks.

Sweezus and Jazzman are momentarily gob smacked.

Then : That's not a rhyme, says Jazzman.

Maybe in French, says Sweezus.

They all three lean back on the rocks and look up at the stars they have all attempted to capture.

The sea slurps and sucks.

The night is magic.

An Operational Matter

Gaius has gone off with the kind-hearted Beverley, to her house overlooking the marina, and an uncertain fate.

Houdini has slipped back into the water, just north of the jetty.

His friends gather round.

What happened? says Malcolm. You were ages.

Yeah, ages, says Joe.

The famous escapologist, sneers Tony.

Shut up, says Houdini. I had no end of trouble, but I'm back.

What happened? asks Malcolm.

You already asked that, says Joe.

But he didn't answer, says Malcolm

Aren't we sharp, scoffs Tony.

So what happened? asks Malcolm.

You'll never guess, says Houdini. I was almost iced, but I escaped in a handbag. Never mind how.

He taps the side of his beak with a tentacle. Trade secrets.

Wanker, says Joe.

I went to a meeting, continues Houdini. My captor read out a report. And that's how I found out what happened to the Twitcher.

The Twitcher! What happened? asks Malcolm.

No one knows, says Houdini.

Joe looks at Tony. No one knows?

Houdini looks shifty.

An operational matter? says Tony.

...........

Jazzman's mum has finally gone off to bed.

Sweezus, Jazzman and Arthur sit up drinking beer.

What's there to do in Wallaroo? says Sweezus. Besides fishing?

Heaps, says Jazzman. There's the Gym, the Electronics Museum, the Op Shop, there's dancing. There's a Nautical and Heritage Museum and Bingo, and the Dragon Boat Club.

Yeah but, any surfing? asks Sweezus.

'Fraid not, says Jazzman. There's a lighthouse. And a powder magazine..

Awesome, says Sweezus. What's the powder magazine?

I'll show you, says Jazzman. Wanna go now? It's more scary at night.

JASON! calls mum. Can't it wait until morning?

No mum! says Jazzman. We're going!  Go to sleep. I've got my own key.

Arthur thinks it must be nice to live in the country, with your mother and have your own key.

Sweezus does too.

Self Determination Independence And Manipulation

Gaius still thinks the wet towel is Houdini. He hears it say Pherrf!

You don't sound very well, says Gaius. That's it. I'm letting you go.

He walks down to the jetty. It's very dark by this time. No one else is about.

Except Beverley. What is she doing here?

Gaius! says Beverley. All alone?

Appears not, says Gaius. What brings you down here?

Believe it or not, says Beverley, it's that cuttlefish. The one Arthur lost in the pub.

Don't worry about it, says Gaius. I'm just about to do the right thing.

You are? says Beverley. I thought I was.

Very kind of you Beverley, says Gaius. But I can release a cuttlefish on my own.

Not if you don't have it, surely? says Beverley.

I do have it, says Gaius. In here.

No you don't, says Beverley. I have it, in here. At first glance I thought it was string.

She points to her handbag.

No doubt it is string, says Gaius. I can assure you that I ...

He opens his back pack.

Pherrf! says the very wet towel.

That's funny, says Gaius. I was talking to him just this minute. We spoke about self determination, and independence.

That is a wet towel, says Beverley. In fact I recognise it. It's from the front bar of the pub. A long towel for soaking up drips. I'm sure it knows nothing of self determination and independence.

Gaius has to admit that what's in his back pack does look like a long wet red towel.

He draws it out of his back pack.

Pity, says Gaius. I was about to release it back to its watery home.

Give it to me, says Beverley. I'll take it home and put it through the washing machine.

Pherrf! The very wet long red towel bows to the dictates of fate.

Perhaps then, says Gaius, what you have in your handbag is not string.

Of course it's not string, says Beverley. I think I can tell a cuttlefish from a piece of string as well if not better than anyone.

She opens her hand bag.

Houdini has vanished!

Dear me, says Beverley. He seems to have vanished, but not before wrecking my handbag. It's all wet and slimy.What a night!

Indeed, what a night, says Gaius. Most unsatisfactory.

Never mind, Gaius, says Beverley. We country people are very forgiving. I'm sure you meant well by the Twitcher.

Gaius is about to demur when he thinks better of it.

No need to court further trouble. Who knows?  Perhaps Beverley is about to invite him to her place for a hot cup of cocoa.

Where are you staying? asks Beverley.

Nowhere, says Gaius. I may sleep out here. It's quite temperate.

A kind-hearted thought occurs to Beverley.

Supper And Conversation With A Very Wet Towel

Sweezus watches Jazzman's mum put the finishing touches to her cuttlefish bolognese.

You like cooking? says Jazzman's mum.

Just learning, says Sweezus. I'm starting up my own business. It's a food van called Sweezie's Tender Cuttlies.

Jazzman's mum knows when not to laugh.

Well then, she says. I'll let you in to a few little secrets. Watch and learn.

She opens the freezer.

This is the thickest part of the cuttlefish body, cleaned, squeezed and frozen, she says.

She points to her fry pan bubbling away on the stove top, next to a pot of boiling water.

That's the chopped wings and tentacles frying in garlic and butter. Now I just add the bolognese sauce. Stir that for me, while I cut up the cuttlefish.

She gets out the meat slicer, slices the frozen cuttlefish body, drops the slices into boiling water.

It just takes twenty seconds, says Jazzman's mum. Now out, and onto the plates! See it looks like pretty white pasta. Spread the bolognese sauce on top and sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Supper's ready!

Jazzman, Arthur, Sweezus and Jazzman's mum sit down to eat. The cuttlefish is amazingly tender,

........

Gaius is still on the bench, in the dark, addressing his back pack.

He thinks it's Houdini inside.

You know, says Gaius, like you, I am something of a loner.

Houdini would no doubt have replied: What do you know about me? I'm a cuttlefish. In fact I have many close friends.........

Or perhaps something different.

But that does not matter, because it is not Houdini in the bottom of Gaius's back pack. It's a very wet towel.

The very wet towel has never had a philosophical conversation.

It listens, as Gaius goes on:

There's a lot to be said for it, says Gaius. What is your opinion?

The very wet towel isn't yet ready to say.

For example, says Gaius. If I want to do something, I do it. Go somewhere, I go..........

If the wet towel knew Arthur, it would say: Just like Arthur. But it doesn't know Arthur.

Gaius says: In fact, I'm somewhat like Arthur. Of course though, Arthur is young.

The wet towel thinks: Who is Arthur?

But it has not the courage to ask.

Should I return you to your watery home? says Gaius. Would you like that? What right have I after all.....

The towel does not think it has a watery home. It has been in a washing machine, several times. That was merely confusing.

At last it is ready to say something.

Phlerf! says the very wet towel.

Where Is Houdini The Great Escapologist?

It's late. Gaius has nowhere to go. This is not like the last time, when he was feted and offered hospitality.

He walks through the dark streets of Wallaroo.

What is this? His back pack feels damp, and heavier than usual.

He stops and sits down on a bench.

He hears the soft swoosh of the sea at the end of the street.

I know you're in there, says Gaius softly. My prize.

He waits for an answer, but none is forthcoming.

...........

People are leaving the meeting. The Mayor has already disappeared.

Tch! says Brenda. Shouldn't we stay until someone finds Houdini?

No, says the barman. I'm closing. Night night.

Bandy picks up his cool bag. Woosh! Icy water pours out on the floor.

Aaach! cries Beverley. My sandals!

Sorry, says Bandy. Didn't know that was in there.

Coming over to my place? says Jazzman. I've got drinks in the fridge.

Yeah, cool, says Sweezus. Coming Arthur?

Yes, Arthur is coming.

Not you, says the barman to Bandy. You're helping me clean this wet floor.

Heh heh! says Snook. Let's know if you guys find Houdini.

The barman scowls, and closes the door.

Bandy goes to the cupboard, where a faint scuffling sound can be heard.

...........

Sweezus, Arthur and Jazzman walk down the dark street toward Jazzman's.

Snook has already gone home.

They pass Brenda and Beverley, squelching in squishy wet sandals.

Night boys! says Brenda.

Better luck next time! says Beverley.

Beverley, says Brenda. What's that sticking out of your handbag?

Beverley peers down. Is it string?

.........

Jazzman lives with his mother.

Jason!  says Jazzman's mother. You've brought friends home, how lovely! I was just cooking supper. You must all stay and have a good feed.

Awesome, says Sweezus. I'm starving.

Mum, hisses Jazzman, I thought you'd be in bed by this time.

No way, Jason, says Mum. I was watching the telly. Nelson Mandela just died. And Nigella Lawson is in terrible trouble. Geez, you wouldn't want to be famous.

Mum! says Jazzman.

Did he? says Sweezus.

Is she? says Arthur.

Arthur has never heard of Nigella, and is just being funny.

He wonders what Mum is cooking for supper. It smells peppery.

What're you cooking? says Jazzman.

Cuttlefish bolognese, says mum. Come into the kitchen. There's beer in the fridge. Help yourselves.

Sweezus looks heavenward. Sometimes things just fall in your lap.

The Pitfalls Of Scientific Reporting

What did happen to the portable saltwater aquarium? Perhaps Arthur knows.

Arthur? says Gaius. Do you remember what happened to the portable saltwater aquarium?

Arthur thinks back. No, he doesn't remember.

Any more questions? says Gaius.

Anyone? says the Mayor.

I have a question, says Brenda. Did you not feed the Twitcher?

Meaning? says Gaius.

He had to eat snails, says Brenda.

It was a choice that he made, says Gaius.

He must have been out of his portable saltwater aquarium, says Beverley. To eat snails on a plane.

Good thinking, Beverley, says the Mayor.

He was out of our hands, in the sick bay, says Gaius.

This is not going anywhere. The real question is, did Wallaroo get value for money? At this stage it would appear not.

It's not all bad news, says Dan Monceaux. There's no evidence of progeny, to damage our case.

Exactly, says Gaius. That's just what I was thinking.

Wait on, says Tony Bramley. We're not letting him get away with this are we? Let him explain why he departed from Turkey to pursue his own interests, instead of waiting the week out in Dubai.

Everyone waits to hear the answer to this pertinent question.

A misunderstanding, says Gaius, nudging Arthur. Perhaps I should let my young colleague here explain.

Arthur looks up from the cool bag, which he has just opened.

Has anyone seen a large cuttlefish? says Arthur. Houdini's escaped.

Changing the subject are we? says Tony Bramley. He knows these city types.

No, really, says Arthur. He could be anywhere.

Houdini, says Dan Monceaux. Did you say Houdini?

Yes, says Arthur. Houdini. He was in the bag. I was trying to kill him humanely.

Ah, that's nice, says Brenda. Humanely. What with, ice?

Yes, says Arthur. We didn't have one of those steel rods with a hook to jam through him.

Brenda shudders. I should hope not! And now he's gone missing. Look around, everyone!

Everyone in the room immediately looks under their table.

Houdini is nowhere to be seen.

Where did you take him? says the Mayor. Just as a matter of interest. I hope you were south of the jetty.

Yes, pipes up Bandy. We were south of the jetty.

You! says the Mayor. I wouldn't trust you to be truthful.

We were south of the jetty, says Jazzman.

This is better. You would trust a man with an MBA to be truthful.

All right says the Mayor. Everyone keep looking.

Is the meeting still open, or closed? says Gaius.

Closed, says the Mayor.

Gaius folds up his two page report, and shoves it into his backpack.

That went quite well, in the circumstances.

Gaius walks out of the Wallaroo Hotel, his mind on the pitfalls of scientific reporting, not noticing that his backpack is damp, and much heavier than usual.

Something Nobody Knows

Gaius takes out his report. Two pages, written by Arthur.

He stands up. Then he sits down.

I'd like a drink first, says Gaius.

Of course, says the Mayor. What'll you have?

Iced water, says Gaius.

Iced water! the Mayor shouts to the barman.

The barman brings over a jug.

And a glass! says the Mayor.

The barman goes back for a glass.

Gaius pours himself some iced water, takes a sip, stands up and begins his report:

A Report on the Fate of the Twitcher.

An expedition undertaken by Gaius Plinius Secundus to deliver a specimen of Sepia Apama (aka Twitcher) to the Turkish seaport of Kas.

Team members: Gaius Plinius Secundus (team leader), Mrs Katherine Hume, Arthur Rimbaud, Bunny Moon, Ageless Lobster.

(A low muttering ripples through the room as some of those present remember Ageless Lobster).

Team members left Adelaide for Dubai on May 9th 2013, with the Twitcher in a portable saltwater aquarium. On the plane to Dubai several land snails were inadvertently let loose by another passenger, Dr Moussalli. Two of the snails were subsequently eaten by the Twitcher. This left Dr Moussalli short of two snails for the Dubai Aquarium. A compromise was found, Bunny Moon acting as negotiator. Dr Moussalli was given custody of the Twitcher for a week, during which time the Twitcher was on loan to the Dubai Aquarium. Either by accident or design the Twitcher was placed in an aquarium occupied by two female Mediterranean cuttlefish.

Gaius stops, and reaches for his jug of iced water. It is empty! How can this be?

Nothing for it. He will have to continue.

The audience is rapt. What will happen?

But Gaius has reached the conclusion.

Conclusion. The team members having already departed for Turkey to pursue their own interests, it is not known what happened to the Twitcher, but by the end of the week it was evident he had not been forwarded to Kas.

Gaius is sweating. This is not what he would have written.

He looks up, to see how it has been received.

The Mayor looks thunderous.

Beverley and Brenda are whispering, heads together.

Tony Bramley and Dan Monceaux look unaccountably pleased.

Sweezus is grinning.

Arthur has his head under the table.

What is that young monkey up to now?

Arthur sticks his head up above the level of the table, having poured the iced water from the jug into the Red Bull cool bag occupied by Houdini.

Gaius! says Brenda. You have failed your loyal fund raisers and supporters. You untrustworthy bounder!

Yes! says Beverley.  Gaius, how could you?

May I ask, says the Mayor, (with a steely determination to get to the bottom of things), what happened to the portable salt water aquarium?

Now there's something nobody knows.

Fate Hangs In The Balance

You can't kill a cuttlefish that speaks for itself.

You can't kill him anyway, if you haven't any iced water, or that special tool, or an esky.

That's what everyone in the tinny is thinking, including the cuttlefish.

You may as well throw me back in, says the cuttlefish.

No, says Gaius. You are my prize.

Bandy heads the tinny back to the landing. Everyone gets out.

Now what? says Jazzman. I vote we swing by the pub. It's only nine thirty.

Good idea, says Gaius.

Cool, says Sweezus.

All right, says Arthur.

Yeah, good one, says Bandy.

Excellent, says Snook.

I'm in, says the very large cuttlefish. Thanks for the invite. You chaps can call me Houdini.

Houdini, says Arthur. Did you just make that up?

Yes, says the cuttlefish. Does it suit me?

Yes, says Arthur. It does. How would you like to travel?

By foot, says Houdini. But I know that's impossible.

I'll fix it, says Arthur.

He picks up Houdini and forces him under the zipper top of Bandy's cool bag. Houdini drops in with a thud.

I'll carry that for you, says Arthur, to Bandy.

Good on you, says Bandy.

........

At the Wallaroo Hotel, Dan Monceaux is holding the floor. He is talking about the State Government's approval of the Lucky Bay Common User Export facility and the possible effects of spillage, sound and bottom disturbance on the marine environment.

The Mayor is just drifting off  into a mid-meeting torpor, when Gaius and party come in.

It's Gaius! cries Brenda. You came!

Gaius! says Beverley. We heard what happened to the Twitcher. We think it's lovely.

She shoots a dark look at Tony Bramley, and Dan Monceaux.

Impossible, says Gaius. My report is here in my backpack. And I fail to see, even if someone has leaked it, how what happened could be thought of as lovely.

A romantic tryst on the transparent sands of Kas, says Brenda. Hundreds of progeny, and then gently expiring...

Sweezus recognises the scenario.

Arthur does too.

Dan Monceaux stops talking, and comes over.

What's up? says Dan Monceaux. Gaius? Can you confirm your report?

Not till I've given it, says Gaius. I don't know what nonsense.......

Now every single person is listening.

You might think that the fate of the Sepia Apama population in the Upper Spencer Gulf hung in the balance.

Rise And Rise Of The Cuttlefish

Dan Monceaux goes up to the barman.

Where'd this come from? he says.

Mayor threw it at me, says the barman, shrugging his shoulders.

Dan Monceaux strides across to the Mayor with the crumpled paper.

Is this genuine? demands Dan Monceaux.

What? says the Mayor. It's a piece of crumpled up paper!

Not just any old piece of crumpled up paper, says Dan Monceaux.

He smoothes it out on the table in front of the Mayor.

Beverley and Brenda crane forward.

The Mayor reads aloud:

At the end of the week the Twitcher was allowed to leave Dubai and continue his journey to Kas where he was united with his Turkish beloved on a sea bed of transparent sands where they produced hundreds of progeny before gently expiring. The progeny exhibited red and gold colouring and above average size......

Ooh! says Beverley. It's about Twitcher!

The Mayor glares at Beverley, and continues:

Conclusion and recommendation: The expedition was spectacularly successful. Further investigation into the feasibility of importation into the Upper Spencer Gulf of a pre-determined proportion of Twitcher progeny from Kas is recommended.

The Mayor stops reading. There follows a stunned silence.

You know what this means, says Dan Monceaux. If there is proof of existence of progeny......

Yes yes, says the Mayor. But it may be a hoax.

It had better be, says Tony Bramley, godfather of cuttlefish. Or we're stuffed.

But, says Brenda, don't you think it's kind of ....

....romantic, says Beverley.

Exactly, says Brenda. Bit like Shakespeare.

But this is not the general view.

..........

Gaius is landing his cuttlie. He struggles and heaves. It is one of the biggest ever to be pulled out of Spencer Gulf, according to Bandy.

A monster, says Bandy.

Too right, says Snook. It won't fit in the tinny.

Yes it will, says Gaius. Move up.

Sweezus and Arthur move up next to Jazzman. The tinny rocks up and down.

Oh man! says Sweezus. What a whopper. I'm gutted I didn't bring an esky.

Put it in Bandy's cool bag, says Jazzman. There's room now we've drunk the Red Bulls.

No way! says Bandy. That's my cool bag!

He hides the cool bag under his legs.

It's a really good cool bag, with RED BULL printed on both sides. You wouldn't want a big cuttlie inside it.

And that's not the only problem.

How do you kill a cuttlie humanely? asks Sweezus. (He would ask that).

Ice water anaesthesia, says Bandy. But we haven't got any ice.

Special tool, says Snook. My mate's got one.

What is it? says Jazzman.

Steel rod with an L shaped hook on the end, says Snook. You stick it in through it's beak and twirl it around. Don't know how it works but it kills 'em.

Probably mashes their brain, says the very large cuttlefish.

You speak! says Gaius.

When I have to, says the very large cuttlefish. I must say, I prefer the iced water.

Red Bull And A Bombshell

Oof! Jazzman sits down heavily in his original spot in the tinny.

You all right? says Snook.

Yeah, says Jazzman. Those cuttlies are slippery.

Have a Red Bull, says Bandy, handing him a can.

Thanks, says Jazzman. Just what I need.

Want one? says Bandy handing one to Arthur.

Arthur takes it. Opens it. Tries it. Tips the rest into the sea.

Sweezus picks up the remains of the cuttlefish, and examines it minutely.

Gruesome! says Sweezus. Who would think you could eat them.

Heh, heh! sniggers Bandy.You can't eat that one. Here have a can.

Soon they are all swigging on Red Bull. Except Arthur.

Red Bu-urghhh-ll, burps Jazzman. My favourite energy drink.

It's an energy drink? says Gaius. What's in it?

Taurine, says Jazzman. See there, it's written on the can.

So it is, says Gaius. Does everyone these days understand Latin? Taurine. Of the bull?

They know what Bull means, says Snook.

No way, says Bandy. That's not what they put in it.

Marketing, says Jazzman. It's all in the perception.

How true. Gaius is feeling quite bullish.

Hand me the line, says Gaius. I feel lucky.

He takes the line from Bandy, and jigs it up and down with the proper wrist action.

This is the life, says Gaius. Fishing. Better than going to a meeting and reading from a stack of notes......notes you can't rely on.......because you didn't.......aah! I think I've got one!

The tinny bobs up and down.

It's a big one.

...........


The meeting in the Wallaroo Hotel had begun at eight pm exactly. Present, Dan Monceaux, film maker, Tony Bramley, godfather of cuttlefish, Brenda and Beverley, fund raisers, and other Third Agers, plus a coterie of interested locals and amateur ecologists.

The Mayor is running late.

He arrives at eight thirty and sits down next to Beverley and Brenda.

Have I missed much? asks the Mayor, in a loud whisper.

Dan has a new underwater lighting device, whispers Beverley. Tony found lots more dead cuttlefish. The chap from the city says cuttlefish don't like loud noises.

Hmmm, says the Mayor. That's all good news. Has Gaius turned up?

Is he coming? says Beverley, excited.

Yes, says the Mayor. Ow, this seat is uncomfortable.

Mine isn't, says Brenda. Oh look, you're sitting on  a crumpled-up piece of paper.

She pulls it out from under his bottom.

Thank you, Brenda, says the Mayor. He takes the crumpled-up sheet of paper and aims it at the barman.

The barman is annoyed. He throws it back at the Mayor, but misses. It hits Dan Monceaux.

Dan thinks it is a personal message. He un-crumples the paper and reads it.

When he's finished, he doesn't look pleased.

A Crime Committed In All Innocence

It is dark now. The tinny is invisible from the shore. Where is it? Some little distance northwards from the jetty, sitting low in the water. There are six people in it.

Watch this, says Bandy. This is how we do it.

Yeah, says Snook. Watch this. This is what we do.

Bandy fixes two red squidjigs to his fishing line.

Snook hands him a glow stick, which he attaches midway between the squidjigs.

Fascinating, says Gaius. A glow stick. And is that how you attract the cuttlefish?

Too right, says Bandy. Just you wait and see.

He drops his line in. Arthur shines the torch over the other side. He sees something irridescent in the water.

He reaches down. Picks up a cuttlefish. It reminds him of the Twitcher. He lets it go.

Are you watching this? says Gaius, nudging Sweezus.. This is how to catch cuttlefish. With glow sticks.

Not just that, says Bandy. It's all in the wrist action.

He undulates his wrist in rapid motion, as if conducting music.

Well I never, says Gaius, nudging Sweezus again. The wrist action.

Sweezus isn't paying much attention. He is busy picking Jazzman's brains.

As long as you know how to analyse a balance sheet, says Jazzman, and how to negotiate a deal.........

Yeah, says Sweezus, I think I know all that stuff.

Arthur is bored. He reaches into the water again and pulls out another cuttlefish.

Put me back, says the cuttlefish This is a no take zone.

What? says Arthur. Are we on the wrong side of the jetty?

Don't play innocent, says the cuttlefish. It's the wrong side of the jetty for you but it's the right side for me.

Not really, says Arthur. After all, I've caught you.

He holds the cuttlefish up for everyone to see.

Brill! says Sweezus.

Well done, says Jazzman.

Undersize, says Bandy.

Speak for yourself, lowlife, says the cuttlefish.

Another Twitcher! says Gaius.

Twitcher! squeaks the cuttlefish. Did you say Twitcher? What do you know about the Twitcher? The Twitcher passed away.

We knew him, says Arthur. Gaius and me. We're the ones who took him on his final journey.

Do you mean to say.....? gulps the cuttlefish. Do you mean to say that you are angels?

No, says Arthur. I'm a poet and he's a natural historian.

I don't believe you, says the cuttlefish. I don't believe anything you say. But.... you do look angelic.

That's how I get away with things, says Arthur. See this torch?

Never mind that, says Gaius. I suggest you throw the undersized cuttlefish back into the water, Arthur.

You do it, says Arthur, handing Gaius the cuttlefish.

The beak of the cuttlefish snaps shut on Gaius's thumb.Gaius drops it.

The cuttlefish is slippery. It slides under Jazzman's foot.

Jazzman isn't looking. He is about to shift position because a tinny can be quite hard on the bottom.

Jazzman presses hard with all his weight upon the cuttlie.

Squelch! Ooh! Yuck. That isn't very nice.

How To Feel Twenty Years Younger

But the sunset is so beautiful. So what if he is late for the meeting? Gaius stops. Sits down on the seawall next to Jazzman.

Ah, nature, says Gaius. So beautiful. What were you saying?

I was saying, says Jazzman, that I am always early.

Nothing wrong with that, says Gaius. It means that you're reliable. A quality I find admirable in a person.

To be on time is reliable, says Jazzman. Not to be early.

No one's perfect, says Gaius.

This sets him thinking about Arthur. Where is he? And Sweezus?

Lap, lap. The sound of water lapping. Perhaps the tide is turning.

My two young friends are missing, says Gaius. I don't suppose you've seen them? They were walking northwards.

I might've. What do they look like? asks Jazzman.

The younger one is wearing orange shorts, says Gaius. The older one needs a haircut.

I haven't seen them, says Jazzman. Maybe you walked past them? Maybe they were swimming?

Maybe they were, says Gaius. I wasn't paying attention. I was thinking about being late for the meeting.

Is it the meeting about the cuttlies? says Jazzman.

Yes, I'm reading my report, says Gaius. This one.

He takes the report out of his backpack.

Jazzman reads it slowly.

A seagull squawks. Squawk! The water laps gently.

Crikey, says Jazzman. This'll put the cat among the pigeons!

Gaius looks alarmed.

He grabs the report back from Jazzman, and is just about to read it when.....

Bandy and Snook turn up, with squidjigs.

Bro! says Snook. You got here early!

You know me, says Jazzman.

Hey hey! sniggers Bandy. You always come early.

Gaius stands up.

I'm late, says Gaius. Goodbye men, and happy fishing.

He turns, to see two familiar figures.

One is in orange shorts, the other needs a haircut.

Over here! says Snook. Did you guys bring an esky?

Shit, says Sweezus, I knew there was something......

I've got a torch, says Arthur.

Where have you two been? says Gaius. I walked for hours.

You must have missed us, says Arthur. We were swimming. Then we went to the pub.

Ah, I knew there would be a sensible explanation, says Gaius. Now Arthur. This gentleman has just read our report.......

Gentleman? says Bandy. It's Jazzman.

Oh cool, says Sweezus. Jazzman, I want to pick your brains.

Sure, says Jazzman, An MBA has to be good for something.

Come on, says Bandy. Talk later. Let's go and get dad's tinny.

Will we all fit in it? says Snook. Is this old guy coming?

Yeah, says Bandy, we'll all fit in it. You coming old guy?

Certainly not, thinks Gaius.

Then he thinks again. Put the cat among the pigeons at a meeting or go cuttlefishing in a tinny with the young folk?

 I'm coming, says Gaius, already feeling ten years younger.

Bandy sniggers.

Ten? thinks Gaius. Make that twenty.

Lost Opportunities

Gaius is in the Mayor's office, waiting for the Mayor to appear.

At last the Mayor enters.

Sorry, says Mayor Paul Thomas. So much to do, so little time. How may I ....oh, it's you, Gaius.

It is, says Gaius. Back from my travels as you see.

Wonderful, says Paul Thomas, and how is the Twitcher? Did he make it to Kas?

Ahem, says Gaius. It's all here in my report. What I am interested in now is......

The Mayor's phone rings.

Sorry, says Paul Thomas. Better take this. Hello? Yes, yes. Oh yes, tonight, absolutely no worries. See you there. Sorry Gaius, what were you saying?

.......to know how the issue of the taxonomic status of Sepia Apama is progressing, says Gaius.

You're in luck, says Paul Thomas. There's an extraordinary meeting tonight in the Wallaroo Hotel on that very topic. Perhaps you could read your report at the meeting. Kill two birds with one stone.

What? says Gaius. Two birds ....?

I mean that saves me having to read it, says Paul Thomas. I'll be at the meeting.

Gaius thinks: Is this some sort of brush off? Margaret would know.

What time is the meeting? says Gaius, a little stiffly.

Eight, says Mayor Paul Thomas. See you there.

........

Gaius wanders down to the Wallaroo jetty, looking for Arthur and Sweezus.

He can't see them.

He takes out his phone to call Arthur. Ring ring.

What? says Arthur.

Where are you? says Gaius.

Way down the beach, says Arthur. Getting some fresh air.

Not true. He is in the pub. So is Sweezus.

I'll walk down to meet you, says Gaius. Which way ? North?

North, says Arthur. That's right.

Was that Gaius? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Arthur. He's going to go for a walk. A long one.

Did he sound angry? says Sweezus.

Arthur thinks back. No he didn't sound angry.

..............


Time passes. It is sunset. A beautiful evening in Wallaroo.

The sea glints metal and primrose, the sky glows fiery orange and purple. Birds wheel and fly northwards. The jetty is silent and black.

Jazzman is waiting. He is thinking, as he often does, about his MBA, and whether it was worth all that money or whether his time has been wasted.

Here comes someone now.

It's not Bandy or Snook. Not Sweezus or Arthur.

It's an old dude.

Gaius, has been walking all afternoon. First northwards then southwards, not finding Arthur. He is late for the meeting.

Evening, says Jazzman

Evening, says Gaius. I would stop and enjoy it, but I'm late for a meeting.

I'm early for one, says Jazzman. But's that's me all over.

What a pity. It is just the evening for a temporal discussion of this nature.

Gaius knows he had better move on.

Killing Time On The Wallaroo Jetty

Gaius, Sweezus and Arthur are in Wallaroo. It is sunny.

Let's go and look at the jetty, says Arthur. See if it's open.

I'll leave you to it, says Gaius. I must visit the Mayor and present my report.

Gaius heads off in the direction of the Council Chambers.

His report? says Sweezus. We wrote it.

We wrote it? says Arthur. I wrote it. But I'm happy if he takes the blame.

Blame? says Sweezus. You mean credit.

Thing is, says Arthur, when I wrote it, I didn't know I'd be coming.

Don't tell me... says Sweezus. You wrote something .....a bit too.....

......truthful, says Arthur.

We're in trouble, says Sweezus.

We could cobble up something, says Arthur. An alternative version.

Too late now, says Sweezus. Shit.

They have now reached the jetty. Only the first half is open. Some locals are at the barrier protesting.

Bandy: Every bloody weekend!

Snook: Yeah, every bloody weekend. Always some ship in.

Bandy: Goin' to the meetin' tonight?

Snook: Pffft! As bloody if !

(In Wallaroo, things haven't changed much.)

Hi dudes, says Sweezus, to Bandy and Snook.

They eye him with suspicion.

You from the Ports? enquires Bandy.

Nup, says Sweezus, just a visitor. Looking to catch a few cuttlies, with my mate here.

Bandy and Snook turn their gazes to Arthur, then back to Sweezus.

How you gunna catch em? says Snook.

With snails, says Arthur.

Bandy and Snook laugh derisively.

Tell you what, says Bandy. Come back tonight and we'll show you how to do it. We can take out dad's tinny.

Yeah, says Snook. Bring a torch and an esky.

Cool, says Sweezus. What time?

After sunset, says Bandy. That's the best time.

I'm new to this, says Sweezus. Just starting up my own business.

Yeah? says Snook. We should bring Jazzman.

Yeah, Jazzman! says Bandy. He's got an MBA, Jazzman.

See you later, then, says Arthur.

See you later, says Sweezus.

They walk back to the start of the jetty.

What now? says Sweezus.

Pub, says Arthur. Or we could throw rocks at the sea.

Or both, says Sweezus. Or in reverse order. Throw rocks, then go to the pub.

Four ways to kill time.

In The Great Hall Of The People

Lu Ban and Rosamunda arrive at the Great Hall of the People, and knock on the door.

The door opens. A head pokes out.

Sorry, says Lu Ban, Wrong door. I'm looking for President Hu Jintao.

You're one year too late, says the head. I'm the president now. And who might you be?

Lu Ban, says Lu Ban. Dear me. How time flies.

Indeed, says the President. Come in Lu Ban, respected carpenter immortal.

Thank you, says Lu Ban. You are gracious. May I ask your name.

Xi Jinping, says the President. Remember for next time. Cup of tea?

Thanks, says Lu Ban.

He and Rosamunda go into the President's office and sit down. The President rings for green tea.

You knew Hu Jintao? says the President.

Very well, says Lu Ban. He had a photographic memory, and he enjoyed ballroom dancing.

Rosamunda giggles.

It's not funny, says Lu Ban.

No, it isn't, says President Xi. As for me, I am known to smile in public, I hold my own umbrella, and occasionally roll up my trousers.

The two men look sharply at Rosamunda to gauge her reaction.

Any particular reason? says Rosamunda.

It makes sense when inspecting floods, says President Xi. And now, Lu Ban, how may I help you?

I have a dream, says Lu Ban.

You have come to the right person, says the President. My motto is China Dreams.

My motto is Endless Dragons, says Lu Ban. I wish to enter the next Tour Down Under with my new prototype dragon bicycle. Your support would be helpful.

Endless Dragons, says President Xi.  I like it. You shall have my support, as long as you represent China, and as long as you win.

That is the thing, says Lu Ban. I intend to win, but I need some help with the design of the bicycle. The dragon on the handlebars is giving me trouble. This young lady here is a designer, and she has cycling connections. She can help me.

Very good, says the President, looking again at Rosamunda. Hmm, she looks somewhat familiar....

Goddess Chang'e, says Lu Ban. In that photo.

Oh yes, says the President. The newspaper. That young lady! The one who got away......

I need her to stay a bit longer, says Lu Ban.

Certainly, says the President. As long as you like. Ah, China Dreams, Endless Dragons..... I do love mottoes. Do you have a motto young lady?

Adapt or die, says Rosamunda.

Fine motto, says President Xi. If a little direct for my liking.

You Have Wisdom

Gaius, Sweezus and Arthur are on the bus to Wallaroo.

Sweezus looks out of the window. He has not been to Wallaroo before.

He dreams of catching boxes and boxes of cuttlefish. In the dream, the boxes of cuttlefish are clear. But the actual catching is cloudy.

Arthur, says Sweezus. How do you catch cuttlies?

Various ways, says Arthur. You need bait.

He remembers the Twitcher.

Bait like snails, says Arthur.

Too easy, says Sweezus. We're laughing.

He leans back in his seat with his ipod and closes his eyes.

Gaius for once has been listening.

When I was a lad, says Gaius, we took lamps and we caught them with tridents. No bait was required.

I'll remember that, says Arthur. Tridents.

The bus rumbles on down the road.

............

Rosamunda is in Lu Ban's apartment. It is not very grand.

Can I get you drink? says Lu Ban. What would you like?

What have you got? says Rosamunda.

Let me see, says Lu Ban, opening the fridge. How about a Cheese Creamsicle. I make it myself.

Sounds yummy, says Rosamunda. What's in it?

Cocoa, milk, rock salt and cheese, says Lu Ban.

All right, says Rosamunda.

She goes over to Lu Ban's drawing board and looks at his dragon bike prototype.

What do you think? says Lu Ban.

I like the aeroplane wing-shaped tube sections and the concave back on the seat tube, says Rosamunda. And it appears to be aerodynamically optimised for all wind conditions......

But? says Lu Ban.

But, says Rosamunda, I don't like that dragon's head.

It's not negotiable, says Lu Ban. All my designs are based on the dragon. It's my trade mark.

Too twisty, says Rosamunda.

Swoopy, says Lu Ban. And anyway, what would you know?

I'm a designer, says Rosamunda. That's how I know. Mmmm, this drink is yummy.

Yes it is, says Lu Ban. And yet, you wouldn't think so. Cocoa, milk, rock salt and cheese.

No, says Rosamunda. You wouldn't think so. Perhaps that's a lesson.

You have wisdom, says Lu Ban. As well as connections.

I do have connections, says Rosamunda. And I hear you have friends in high places.

I do, says Lu Ban. Would you like to meet one?

I would, says Rosamunda. Who is it?

The President of the People's Republic of China, says Lu Ban. Come on, it's five thirty. He'll just be knocking off work.

Connections And Corrections

One does not argue with Lu Ban.

Ming Rong? says Rosamunda as she disappears down the stairs, in the strong grip of  Lu Ban, carpenter immortal.

Don't worry, Rosamunda, calls Ming Rong. You are safe unless.....

But Rosamunda doesn't hear the rest. She is already half way down the street.

Where are we going? says Rosamunda to Lu Ban. And why so fast?

I always go fast, says Lu Ban. And as to where we're going, that depends. You may be useful.

He stops and regards her, thoughtfully.

I wish to be included in a team for the Tour Down Under. I believe you have connections, says Lu Ban.

Oh yes, says Rosamunda. I have connections.

Right, says Lu Ban. You're coming home with me.

.........

Next morning, in the office of Velosophy.......

Arthur has finished the report. Sweezus is still sourcing cuttlies.

Man! says Sweezus, expensive! Twenty four dollars a kilo! We'll have to catch our own.

Gaius enters.

Hello there, Sweezus! Finished my report? says Gaius

Arthur hands it to him.

Gaius scans it quickly.

Yes yes, says Gaius. Wonderful. Title, Summary, Introduction, Conclusion. Very professional. Did you write this, Arthur?

Yes, says Arthur. Sweezus is busy sourcing cuttlies.

Even better, says Gaius. I don't have to pay you.

What? says Arthur. Why don't you have to pay me?

Because you're coming with me to Wallaroo, says Gaius. The report is, shall we say, included.

You didn't tell me, says Arthur. I've promised to help Sweezus organise his cuttlies.

Yeah that's right, says Sweezus. Arthur and me are going cuttling.

You can cuttle up at Wallaroo, says Gaius. As long as you do it south of the jetty.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Arthur. Are you in?

I suppose so, says Arthur.

At least he will be spending time with Sweezus.

But the report....

If he'd known he might have written something different.