What Goes With Seafood At Christmas

It's Christmas Day. Everyone is invited to Mrs Hume's for Christmas dinner, including Janice, and Janice's dad.

Katherine is cooking a turkey.

Ding dong. The door bell. She opens the door.

Mother! says David. That smells good. What's the stuffing?

Sage and onion, says Katherine. Your favourite. Although sage doesn't smell like it used to.....

Dear Katherine! says Vello. Merry Christmas! Sage doesn't smell like it used to? Surely that can't be true?

Perhaps it's an Australian variety, sniffs Katherine. Have a mince pie.

Thank you, says Vello. Did you make them?

No they are Mr Kipling's, says Katherine. They are always quite nice. Not too much pastry...

You don't say? says Vello, looking at the thick yellow pastry.

Ding dong. The door bell. She opens the door.

Katherine! says Belle et Bonne. Merry Christmas! You look well.

I am, says Katherine. Apart from my feet.

This is Janice, says Belle et Bonne. And Janice's dad, Big Janis.

Pleased to meet you, says Big Janis.  This is awfully kind.

No trouble at all, says Katherine. What's this, a present for me? You needn't have.

Yes, says Big Janis. For you.

It's oysters, says Janice. Where's Arthur?

Not here yet, dear , says Katherine. Oysters, how lovely. And what a nice pixie hat.

Demon cap, says Janice. When will Arthur get here?

When Sweezus gets here, says Belle et Bonne. He's picking up Gaius.

Sweezus? says Big Janis. The Tour de France cyclist?

We are all Tour de France cyclists, says David. Not just him. Vello and I are the backbone of Team Philosophe.

Pardon me, says Big Janis. I had no idea I was dining with cycling royalty.

Could someone open the oysters? says Katherine. I have no idea what to do with oysters. I never eat oysters.

They are open already, mother, says David. See? Just put them in the fridge.

Ding dong. The door bell.

Vello opens the door.

It's Sweezus and Gaius. But not Arthur.

Hello, Mrs Hume, says Sweezus. I've brought some drinks.

We have plenty of drinks, says Mrs Hume. All of them Sparkling Apple.

Good man, says Vello, taking two large bottles from Sweezus. Something different. What is it? Good gracious, it's blue!

You haven't seen anything yet, says Sweezus. It's my new pop up beverage, to go with my Sweezies Tender Cuttlies. You guys can be the guinea pigs.

That looks just like Beverleys's cabbage water, says Big Janis.

It kind of is, says Sweezus, but with a twist.

David, get some glasses, says Katherine.

And the oysters? says David. It might go well with oysters.

Pooh! says Katherine. Oh well I suppose so. Get them out of the fridge.

Have you got any lemons? says Sweezus. I forgot to bring any.

Luckily, Katherine always has one or two lemons, in case she buys fish.

Soon everyone ( except Gaius ) has a glass of blue cabbage water, an oyster and a wedge of lemon.

Now, says Sweezus. Squeeze the lemon into the glass, like this. He squeezes his wedge of lemon into his blue cabbage water.

The blue water turns pink.

Fantastic! says Vello, admiringly.

I say! says David. Well done!

Well, blow me, says Big Janis. What does it taste like?

Janice takes a big gulp of pink water.

Yuck. It tastes fouler than ever.

Arrrgh! cries Katherine.

What's wrong, mother? cries David. You haven't even tried it.

Look! Look at the oysters! says Katherine. They're moving!

Oh dear, says Big Janis. Sorry. That's worms.

Ding dong. Door bell.

Let's hope this is Arthur at last.