Reckless Speeder

Stage fourteen already.

The longest stage. Villafranca to Villablina.

I'm going to win this, says Baby Pierre to the tinker.

What's the point? asks the tinker.

Winning is the point, says Baby Pierre.

But what if you don't get acknowledged? says the tinker.

That's NOT the point, says Baby Pierre. Keep up or I'll drop you.

The Kroombit tinker keeps up.

Do you ever go into the red zone? asks the tinker.

No, says Baby Pierre. That's the beauty of me.

Did you know that one of the Los Chilenos asked Pablo to ask me to rein you in, as a favour? asks the tinker.

Hee hee! laughs Baby Pierre. What did he say?

I just told you, says the tinker.

I mean Pablo, says Baby Pierre.

They're both called Pablo, says the tinker.

She is beginning to puff, and it's not the last climb.

He said he'd ask me, says the tinker. 

And what did you say? asks Baby Pierre. 

O hay! I'm always trying, says the tinker.

Baby Pierre thinks he may have  heard that before, but when was it?

Ping! He remembers.

That's your poem, says Baby Pierre.

Yes, says the tinker. Pablo says its a good one.

It's way too short, says Baby Pierre.

It's not finished, says the tinker. I thought I might put you in it.

How? asks Baby Pierre

O hay! I'm always trying 

To rein in my leader,

A reckless speeder, says the tinker.

It needs more syllables, says Baby Pierre. 

He speeds up again and the tinker tries to follow.

But she can't.

Baby Pierre whizzes up the last mountain. And zooms down to the finish.

But boo! The tinker has stopped him from winning! 

It's already over.

Kaden Groves has won, from a bunch sprint finish.

Ben O'Connor has retained the red jersey.

And Primoz Roglic has finished on a team mate's bike, after a mechanical scare.

Si Po

A brutal mountain stage, finishing at the summit of Puerto de Ancerel.

Who'll have the best legs today?

It won't be Pablo.

He has been caught up by one of his team mates from Los Chilenos.

What is it? asks Pablo.

About Baby Pierre, says the team mate. 

Not my problem, says Pablo.

He's everyone's problem, says the team mate. He's driving us nuts.

He always does, says Pablo. But he's his own pebble.

Isn't he with the Kroombit tinker? asks the team mate. The one we had dinner with.

Yes, says Pablo. They're a team.

And she's latched onto you, says the team mate.

She asked me to help with her poem, says Pablo.

That's cheating, says the team mate.

O hay! I'm always trying, says Pablo.

Is that her poem? asks the team mate.

Pablo nods. It's her first line.

Did you come up with it? asks the team mate. 

No, but I said it was good, says Pablo. It's not cheating to help a beginner.

Fine, says the team mate. So she owes you. Get her to rein in Baby Pierre's bad behaviour.

Si po, says Pablo.

The team mate rides away, up an incline.

Pablo slows down. 

He is waiting for the tinker.

Here she comes now.

Phew! says the tinker. I think I'm in the red zone.

What you need is a fly, says Pablo.

Yes! says the tinker. I haven't eaten!

Pablo and the tinker stop at the side of the road to wait for a fly.

One comes, eventually.

The tinker catches it, eats it and comes out of the red zone.

They speed off together, up, down, up, down, and finally up the Puerto de Ancerel.

Baby Pierre is there waiting.

You missed it! says Baby Pierre.

What happened? asks the tinker.

I didn't win, says Baby Pierre.

Who did? asks Pablo.

Michael Woods, says Baby Pierre. 

Ben O'Connor is standing nearby.

How'd you go? asks Pablo.

Sad day, says Ben O'Connor. Pretty cooked. Lost half my advantage. Still in red though. You?

Helped a frog catch a fly, says Pablo.

Smooth As Grapes

Stage twelve of the Vuelta.

Hilly, with a summit finish on Montana Manzoneda.

Baby Pierre has shot off on his own.

The Kroombit tinker is sticking with Pablo.

That was good last night, says the tinker. Meeting your team mates.

They enjoyed meeting you too, says Pablo. 

It's funny that they're all called Pablo, says the tinker.

I suppose it is, says Pablo. And they're not the only Pablos.

There are more Pablos? asks the tinker.

Yes, says Pablo. There goes one now.

He points to a rider who is currently passing.

Hey Pablo! says Pablo.

Hey Pablo! says the other Pablo, who is not a team mate of Pablo, but is a Pablo.

The other Pablo speeds up and disappears over the top of a hilly section.

Pablo Castillo, says Pablo. Spanish. 

He might win today, says the Krombit tinker. He looks really fast.

Everyone looks really fast sometimes, says Pablo. Even me. The trick is to keep out of the red zone.

What's the red zone? asks the tinker.

When you're in it you know, says Pablo.

The tinker wonders if Baby Pierre ever goes into the red zone. 

Richard Carapaz pedals by.

Still mad about yesterday? asks Pablo.

Carapaz doesn't answer. He pedals away.

The pelaton blocked him, says Pablo.

How rude! says the tinker.

Pablo laughs, and takes a power bar from the pocket of his jersey.

Who gives you snacks? asks the tinker.

No one, says Pablo. I load up beforehand.

Belle gave us snacks, says the tinker.

Dear Belle, says Pablo. If only she were here.

She could have the endless necklace, says the tinker. 

For her white hands, says Pablo.

I thought it was a necklace, says the tinker,

Smooth as grapes, says Pablo.

It's clear he has entered a poetic reverie.

The tinker speeds up, leaving Pablo behind with his snack. 

She passes several riders. The roads are bumpy.

She catches up with Baby Pierre on the Montana Manzaneda.

Guess what? says Baby Pierre. Ever heard of Pablo Castillo?

Actually yes, says the tinker.

He just won the stage, in a surprise breakaway, says Baby Pierre.

How do you know? asks the tinker.

I was there, says Baby Pierre. I came back to tell you.

You're such a pain, says the tinker.

An Endless Necklace

Padron.

Today's stage is hilly, with a steep climb near the finish, before the downhill run back to Padron.

A loop, says Baby Pierre. My favourite! Watch me! I'll be back!

He shoots away, leaving the Kroombit tinker to wonder if she's meant to follow.

I wouldn't bother, says Pablo, coming up from behind.

He said he'd be back, says the tinker.

No one can do the loop twice as fast as anyone else, says Pablo.

He is a bit boastful, says the tinker. 

He is, says Pablo. Ride with me for a while. How's your poem going.

O hay, I'm always trying, says the tinker.

She feels suddenly shy. 

Perhaps Pablo won't realise it's the first line of her poem.

Excellent beginning! says Pablo. 

The tinker feels proud.

How's yours going? asks the tinker.

Slowly, says Pablo. I'm making my words into an endless necklace.

Ooh, says the tinker. I'd love to do that.

Primoz Roglic rides by.

The red fox is coming, says Primoz Roglic. 

He's ahead of you, says Pablo.

I am the red fox, says Primox Roglic.

Apologies, says Pablo.

Roglic powers on, up a hill.

How come you don't have any team mates? asks the tinker.

I do, says Pablo. Los Chilenos.

Where are they? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Dotted about, says Pablo. We get together at dinner.

Weird, thinks the tinker.

But maybe not weirder than me and Baby Pierre. I wonder where he is?

Baby Pierre is charging up behind them.

Woo-haa! He passes and skids to a halt in the road.

I did it! cries Baby Pierre. But now I'm buggered!

Better take it easy, says Pablo.

They continue together.

Pablo's in Los Chilenos, says the tinker.

Who's heard of them? scoffs Baby Pierre.

Hardly anyone.

But no matter.

What's happening at the front?

Well! Eddie Dunbar of Jayco Alula is soloing downhill to victory having cleverly broken away in the final kilometre.

And who's heard of him?

O Hay Today Is The Day

Stage 10 of the Vuelta. Baby Pierre is excited.

Cat 2, cat 3, cat 2 and cat 1, says Baby Pierre. Can you do it?

Yes, says the Kroombit tinker. Tummy fat and full.

That's my line, says Baby Pierre. I thought you didn't like it.

I like it, says the Kroombit tinker, but only as a saying. Not for a poem.

Don't think about your poem, says Baby Pierre. Let's get going!

They zoom off to do maximum damage.

Pablo works his way up the first mountain.

He is passed by Wout van Aert, who looks perky.

Hola, Wout! says Pablo. You look perky.

Today's the day, says Wout van Aert.

Today's always the day, says Pablo.

What? Oh yeah, says Wout van Aert.

Have you... begins Pablo. 

But Wout van Aert is not stopping to chat with Pablo.

Today is the day.

Wout van Aert keeps on climbing. 

He avoids Baby Pierre, who has stopped to do wheelies.

The Kroombit tinker is watching.

Aren't we trying? asks the tinker.

We're always trying, says Baby Pierre

The tinker thinks this is a good line for her poem.

I'm always trying. O hay!

She really likes the O hay! It just came to her. 

She can't wait to tell Pablo.

Pablo is now coasting down the third mountain, watching the clouds.

Clouds waving like white handkerchiefs.

Clouds do that sometimes.

But O hay!

What else is happening?

A breakaway has formed.

And now a breakaway has formed from the breakaway.

Only Wout van Aert and Quentin Pacher. are in it.

Wout van Aert wins by three seconds!

 So today was the day.

Longing Regret Grief Boredom

Today is a rest day, in Viga.

Pablo is spending the day at the beach.

With him are Baby Pierre and the Kroombit tinker.

They sit under a red umbrella, on the Praia de Samil.

The Kroombit tinker is keeping an eye out for flies.

Baby Pierre is telling Pablo about his best poem.

O road O road, long and wide, says Baby Pierre. O moon O moon, round and green.

That's a good one, says Pablo. You should think about entering the poetry competition.

What about me? asks the tinker.

You too, says Pablo.

What would my poem be about? asks the tinker.

It seems you're a beginner, says Pablo. That doesn't matter. Some of the others are too.

He points to Ben O'Connor, who is paddling nearby.

And Primoz Roglic, who is some distance away drawing a red fox in the sand with his finger.

The tinker catches a fly.

Bravo! says Pablo.

I suppose I should poemize what I know, says the tinker. How about O fly O fly, fast and tasty, O fly O fly.

Is that it? asks Baby Pierre. 

Yes, says the tinker.

The second line should be different, and longer, says Baby Pierre.  Like, O fly O fly, fast and tasty, O tummy O tummy, fat and full.

Ha ha! laughs Pablo. 

But the tinker is miffed.

Ben O'Connor comes over.

Hey, says Ben O'Connor. Working on your poem?

Was, says Pablo. But right now I'm helping these guys.

Baby Pierre! says Ben O'Connor. He doesn't need help with anything.

No I don't, says Baby Pierre. 

I do, says the Kroombit tinker. I've only got my first line. 

And your second line, says Baby Pierre.

I'm not using that line, says the tinker.

What was it? asks Ben O'Connor. Maybe I could use it.

O tummy O tummy, fat and full, says the tinker.

That's terrible, says Ben O'Connor. But at least you've got started. I haven't.

Want a suggestion? asks Pablo.

Yeah, says Ben O'Connor.

Use nature as a metaphor for something you're feeling, says Pablo. Like clouds, or a wave on the ocean.

What am I feeling? says Ben O'Connor.

Longing, regret, grief, boredom, suggests Pablo.

Shit no, says Ben O'Connor.

Speed, dodging, risking, suggests Baby Pierre.

Fly! says the Kroombit tinker.

Which is not a suggestion. 

It's just that she's seen one.

Zoomeroo!

 Pablo has still not spotted Baby Pierre, or his frog companion.

They will surely appear today, thinks Pablo. 

Baby Pierre loves a mountain.

Bang. The race starts, in Motril.

Pablo's mind is on his next poem.

It's about leaving a loved one behind.

The loved one holds up a placard saying allez allez.

She wears shorts with ragged edges, 

caressing the tops of her legs 

like white clouds .....

But his thoughts are interrupted.

Adam Yates comes up behind him, shouting.

Hey Pablo!

What is it? asks Pablo.

Seen Baby Pierre? asks Adam Yates. There's a rumour.

It's more than a rumour, says Pablo. 

That's all I need, says Adam Yates. Today's my big day.

I need to talk to him, says Pablo. If I see him, I'll be slowing him down.

Awesome! says Adam Yates. Thanks buddy.

He speeds off, up the first Cat 1 mountain.

Ben O'Connor rides past.

There's no time limit for this poem, is there? asks Ben O'Connor.

Yes there is, says Pablo. The end of the Vuelta.

Okay, says Ben O'Connor. That means I've got time.

Primoz is calling his poem The Red Fox, says Pablo.

The hell he is, says Ben O'Connor. He's just trying to mess with my mind.

He thinks my poem's about a frog, says Pablo.

And is it? asks Ben O'Connor.

Wait and see, says Pablo.

Ben O'Connor rides off.

Maybe he shouldn't have entered the poetry comp. It's too competitive.

Pablo pedals harder.

Zoom! What was that whizzing under his wheels?

Zoomeroo!  It zooms back again, repeating the action.

Or was the second one different?

Slow down, calls Pablo. I have something to tell you!

One of the zoomers slows down.

It's a frog one.

She is tiny, with brown side stripes. 

Tink tink? says Pablo.

Tink tink! Do you know me? asks the Kroombit tinker.

I know of you, says Pablo. A few years ago I was a team mate of Arthur and Gaius.

What's your name? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Pablo Neruda, says Pablo. I was a domestique for Team Condor.

Tink-tink, says the tinker. I'm a domestique for Baby Pierre.

Do you think you could ask him to slow down a bit? asks Pablo.

No, says the tinker.

But luckily, Baby Pierre returns of his own accord, to look for the tinker.

And ends up having a long-winded catch-up with Pablo Neruda.

So Adam Yates gets his big day.

The Red Fox

Pablo is on the lookout for Baby Pierre.

He may try to join the Vuelta up here on the Sierra de Cazorla.

Ben O'Connor pedals by, in the red jersey.

Hola, Ben! says Pablo. Finished your poem?

Pfft, says Ben O'Connor. Gotta finish this race first.

Really? says Pablo. I find I get my best inspiration while pedalling. The beautiful nature provides me with metaphors

Guess we're different, says Ben O'Connor.

I heard Baby Pierre is joining the Vuelta, says Pablo.

Shit! says Ben O'Connor. That's all I need.

He pedals harder, keeping an eye out for pebbles.

With a frog! shouts Pablo.

What's this? asks Primoz Roglic riding up from behind.

Nothing, says Pablo. Just my poem.

I thought your poem was about strands of white clouds, says Roglic.

There's a frog in it too, says Pablo.

Wish I had your imagination, says Roglic.

Wish I had your legs, says Pablo.

Roglic continues up the steep slopes of the Cazorla.

He passes Ben O'Connor and focuses on beating Enric Mas.

He succeeds, winning stage 8 of the Vuelta.

It is only now that he allows himself to think about his poem.

It hasn't been going too well.

Perhaps he should think about adding a frog to the mixture.

A frog from Slovenia.

But no. He does not wish to look like he copied Pablo Neruda.

A red fox might be better. 

He stands on the podium scanning the crowd.

Of course Baby Pierre is not there.

 

Santa Mierda!

Stage seven of the Vuelta is over.

Wout van Aert has won.

Pablo sees he has missed a call from Arthur.

He calls Arthur.

Hey! says Arthur. How'd it go?

For me, up and down, says Pablo. I was doing well, until I wasn't.

That's racing, says Arthur.

Yes it is, says Pablo. But it's fun. We're having a poetry comp and I'm winning.

A bold claim, says Arthur.

The others are rubbish, says Pablo. That Ben O'Connor. And Primoz Roglic is worse.

Want to know why I called you? asks Arthur. 

To wish me luck? says Pablo.

No, says Arthur. Remember Baby Pierre ?

Who could forget that little fucker, says Pablo, It's good he's not here.

He's on his way, says Arthur. Thought I'd give you a heads up.

Santa mierda! says Pablo. 

And he's got a frog with him, says Arthur. 

One of Gaius's? asks Pablo.

It is, says Arthur. A Kroombit tinker, endangered.

Means nothing to me, says Pablo.

Small, with brown side stripes, says Arthur. Rides fast. Says tink-tink when provoked..

Okay. And? says Pablo.

Look out for her, says Arthur. Gaius wants her back.

Sure, says Pablo. And how are you otherwise?

Good, says Arthur. I'm in Florence eating cakes at Gilli's.

Ah, my friend! says Pablo. You live the charmed life. I bet you didn't pay for those cakes.

I didn't, says Arthur.

Eating The Evidence

My mistake, says Gaius, was to tell Baby Pierre where she was.

He came to see you? says Arthur.

Yes, says Gaius. He was asking, and I happened to mention that she was in Florence.

So he sped off to Florence, says Arthur.

He sped off, says Gaius. At the time, I was unaware of his destination.

You couldn't have known, says Arthur.

No, says Gaius. But what to do now?

They're heading to Spain to catch up with the Vuelta, says Arthur.

Do we know anyone in the Vuelta? asks Gaius.

Pablo, says Arthur. He'll be in it.

Wonderful, says Gaius. Call Pablo and ask him to keep an eye on them.

All right, says Arthur. Should he make contact?

Yes, says Gaius. Let them finish the race. Then help them get home.

Fine, says Arthur. I'll call him. 

Good, says Gaius. I feel better now, about leaving without the Kroombit tinker.

You should, says Arthur.

Enjoy your cake, says Gaius.

Thanks, says Arthur, ending the call.

What did Gaius say? asks Victor.

He blames himself, sasys Arthur.

That's not like him, says Victor. Remember that penguin pie? He would never admit it.

Not the same thing, says Arthur. You made a mistake there.

Police don't make mistakes, says Victor.

Carrot? says Nicolo.

But Victor has conveniently forgotten that mix-up.

And eaten the evidence.

Arthur calls Pablo.

No answer. 

Pablo is in the Andalusian white village of Archidona at the start of stage seven.

Where there is no sign of Baby Pierre or the Kroombit tinker 

...as yet.

Banyoos And Goonyoos

Nicolo is waiting, in Caffe Gilli.

Arthur and Victor come in.

Where's the frog? asks Nicolo. 

Escaped, with Baby Pierre, says Arthur.

Is that a problem? asks Nicolo.

No, says Victor. It's now Spain's problem.

Already? says Nicolo.

They ride fast, says Arthur.

That's what I'm thinking, says Victor. 

Coffee? asks Nicolo. It's good here. And the cakes are delicious.

Victor looks at the cakes other people are having.

They are small and super-fancy. 

I might try that one with the carrot on top, says Victor.

Carrot? says Arthur. 

That's a strawberry, says Nicolo. Often confused with a carrot, by policemen.

Ha ha! laughs Victor. A small error.

Nicolo orders three cakes.

A cuore di Amalfi, a delizia al cioccolata and a torta Gilli.

Plus three coffees with cream.

This is the life, says Victor. You chaps are lucky.

Not that lucky, says Arthur.

No, says Nicolo, These cakes are seven euro each.

And I'm not looking forward to explaining the Kroombit tinker's disappearance to Gaius, says Arthur,

So we all have our problems, says Victor, tucking into his cake.

His cake is the cuore di Amalfi, with the carrot (which isn't a carrot)

Lemon yellow base, decorated with sugar-dusted raspberries, topped by the strawberry.

Close up, you can see it's a strawberry.

Actually, only half a strawberry.

Victor takes a bite. Mmm. Good choice of a strawberry. A carrot would have spoiled it.

Nicolo is advising Arthur to phone Gaius.

Arthur decides to bite the bullet.

He calls Gaius.

Arthur? says Gaius.

Banyoos, says Arthur

What are banyoos? asks Gaius.

My mouth's full of cake, says Arthur.

What kind of cake? asks Gaius.

A delizia ciccolata, says Arthur. Chocolate base topped with a chocolate and a twist of different chocolate on top of that.

Sounds nice, says Gaius. I assume you're celebrating the recovery of the Kroombit tinker.

There's bad news, says Arthur.

Oh! says Gaius. Bad news. I thought you said banyoos. What is it? 

Baby Pierre turned up with a spare bicycle and they're heading for Spain, says Arthur.

This is all my fault, says Gaius. 

It is? How? 

But Arthur feels better already.

Creepy Relics

Ready? asks Baby Pierre.

Ready, says the Kroombit tinker.

Head for the front door, says Baby Pierre. And straight down the steps. Watch out for the policeman.

Okay, says the tinker.

Goodbye! says Sweetpea. 

Good bye, and good luck! says the Madonna.

You believe in good luck? asks Baby Pierre.

I keep my options open, says the Madonna.

Baby Pierre zooms towards the front door of the cathedral, followed by the tinker.

They clunk-clunk-clunk down the steps, and away.

Where is Victor the policeman?

Ha ha! He's gone round to check the back door.

An example of good luck and bad luck, equally balanced.

Victor returns to the front steps and keeps waiting. The frog can't stay in the cathedral forever. What will she eat?

It occurs to him that there may be flies in the cathedral. 

The doors are open and flies might fly in.

He is thinking about checking this theory when Arthur returns from the café.

Still here? says Arthur. 

Yes, says Victor. 

Want me to see what she's doing? asks Arthur.

Please do, says Victor

Arthur goes in and comes out again.

Gone, says Arthur. Baby Pierre came to get her. He brought her a bike.

Curses! says Victor. This must have happened when I went round to check the back door.

So it's not your fault, says Arthur.

I am under-resourced, says Victor.

Obviously, says Arthur. And the good news is they're heading for Spain.

Spain? says Victor brightening up. 

Not his jurisdiction.

Drink? asks Arthur. 

I'm on duty, says Victor. But I could do with a coffee.

They head back to the café where Nicolo is waiting.

What do frogs eat? asks Victor.

Flies, insects, worms, says Arthur.

Victor wonders if there are worms lurking in the cathedral.

In the woodwork, and relics...

Stop, Victor, that's creepy.

He's Thought Of Everything

Baby Pierre! cries the Kroombit tinker. How did you get here?

I caught the fast train, says Baby Pierre.

The visitors, who had been down on their knees in case this was a miracle, get up again.

They look at one another.

This is no miracle. Perhaps it was the pizza ai funghi they had for lunch.

One can't always trust mushrooms.

They wander off to look at the portrait of Dante.

So you're Baby Pierre, says the Madonna. I know about you.

Woop! says Baby Pierre.

I know you are an atheist and free thinker, says the Madonna.

How? asks Baby Pierre.

I told her, says Sweetpea. I told her ALL about you.

How can you be both? asks the Madonna.

Everyone asks me that, says Baby Pierre.

What do you understand by a free thinker? asks the Madonna.

Myself, says Baby Pierre. 

Good answer, says the Madonna, but what about the other thing?

Yes, says Baby Pierre. I'm here to rescue the Kroombit tinker.

That wasn't the other thing the Madonna had meant, but it is more important.

That's good of you, says the Madonna.

Will you take her away on your bicycle? asks Sweetpea.

I've brought a spare, says Baby Pierre. I've thought of everything.

Where is it? asks the Kroombit tinker. And where will we escape to?

Baby Pierre opens his back pack and pulls out a small flatpack. He opens it, and quickly assembles a tiny bicycle, with green o-wheels.

To Spain, says Baby Pierre. We're going in the Vuelta.

I believe it's already started, says the Madonna.

We'll soon catch up. says Baby Pierre. Come down, Kroomy. 

The Kroombit tinker hops down and onto the tiny bicycle.

Have you got your confession? asks the Madonna.

No, says the Kroombit tinker. Where did I put it?

You were sitting on it, says the Madonna. Would you like me to fold it?

Yes please, says the tinker.

The Madonna folds it into a jet shape, and launches it down.

The paper confession lands in Baby Pierre's open back pack.

Sweetpea claps.

The Madonna looks pleased with herself.

It's nice when your infant applauds you.

Some Type Of Miracle

But of course, this can't last.

What will happen when visitors notice a frog sitting between the Madonna and Sweetpea?

Not to mention the frog's four raised webbed fingers.

The Madonna does not care. It's not her job to.

As long as Sweetpea is happy.

Can the tinker stay here forever? asks Sweetpea.

She may stay as long as she likes, says the Madonna. 

Not forever, says the tinker. I have things to do.

There's a back door, says Sweetpea. You could sneak out.

I'm sure the policeman knows about the back door, says the Madonna. 

What do we do? asks Sweetpea.

We wait, says the Madonna. 

Arthur might come back, says the Kroombit tinker.

He might, says the Madonna.

Yes, Arthur is the logical person.

But Arthur has gone off with Nicolo to a café.

And might be some time.

A few visitors have wandered over to look at the Madonna and Sweetpea.

Bellissima madre! says one.

Naso rosso del bambino! exclaims another.

Piccola rana! splutters a third visitor, who has noticed the tinker.

What to do? Tell the guard?

But perhaps it is some type of miracle!

Look! The piccola rana is raising four webbed fingers.

They sink to their knees.

The situation can't last, and it doesn't.

Who should burst in through the open doors of the Cathedral de Santa Maria del Fiore but Baby Pierre on his tiny green bicycle!

Zoom! Screeeeech! He brakes at the scene of the action.

Do The Finger

I suppose you'll be going now, says the Madonna.

Victor considers taking things further.

But it's her floor. And she doesn't seem bothered.

No further questions, says Victor. 

Have a good day, says the Madonna.

Thank you, says Victor. You too.

I shall, says the Madonna.

Victor goes out to the cathedral steps. 

And waits.

Thank you for bringing Sweetpea home safely, says the Madonna.

A pleasure, says Nicolo. Sorry about his red nose.

It looks festive, says the Madonna.

And the goat's cheese, says Arthur.

Hmm, says the Madonna.

Time to go.

Can I have my confession? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Do I still have it? asks the Madonna. 

She feels in her voluminous pockets.

Oh yes, here.

Thank you, says the tinker. Good bye, nice lady, and goodbye Sweetpea.

Sweetpea gives the Kroombit tinker the finger.

The tinker isn't insulted. She now knows it's meant to be nice.

Arthur, Nicolo and the Kroombit tinker turn and leave the cathedral.

Outside on the steps Victor is waiting.

Two things, says Victor. One, I need to eyeball that confession. 

No you don't, says the tinker. It's private,

I'll be the judge of that, says Victor.

What's two? asks Arthur. 

I have reason to believe that this frog is not where she should be, says Victor.

We all do, says Arthur. That's why I'm taking her back to Gaius, who's taking her home.

Her presence in Florence is illegal, says Victor.

So? says Arthur.

He wants to detain her, says Nicolo.

I must detain her, says Victor. Until this is sorted.

He attempts to seize the Kroombit tinker

The Kroombit tinker escapes his grasp, hopping back up the steps and into the cathedral.

Good move, says Nicolo.

It will turn out to be. 

She hops up the central nave.

The Madonna is wiping Sweetpea's nose with a rose-scented hankie.

You're back! says the Madonna.

I claim sanctuary! says the Kroombit tinker.

What fun! says the Madonna. You're the first frog to do it.

Sit next to me! says Sweetpea.

The tinker hops up and sits between Sweetpea and the Madonna.

Do the finger! says Sweetpea. 

The tinker sticks up four webbed fingers.

That'll show them, says the Madonna.

You'd Be So Good

I don't know how she did it, says Victor. Perhaps with a hammer. Or one of  those whatsits on chains.

A thurible, says Nicolo

I didn't do it, says the Kroombit tinker.

No she didn't, says Arthur. 

Perhaps she had an accomplice, says Victor. One of you, for example. 

We were over there, looking at the portrait of Dante, says Arthur.

A likely story, says Victor. Will the portrait of Dante collaborate your story? I think not.

There's someone who will, says Nicolo.

Lead me to him, says Victor.

Her, says Nicolo.

Him, says Arthur.

No need for him to get into trouble, says Nicolo.

True, says Arthur.

Careful! says the Kroombit tinker. The floor's oily.

Victor looks down at the oily footprints leading to the Madonna.

You're not trying to blame HER? says Victor. That takes the cake. But let me examine these footprints. Hmm. They're quite small.

He has reached the end of the central nave, where the Madonna is sitting with Sweetpea.

Look, a policeman! says Sweetpea.

All are welcome, says the Madonna. 

Victor is surprised that she talks.

Thank you, madam, says Victor. I wonder if you'd be so good....

Ha ha! laughs Sweetpea.

Stop that, Sweetpea. It's just an expression, says the Madonna. Yes, policeman?

There has been some damage to your floor, says Victor. And it seems the frog is unlikely to have done it.

The Kroombit tinker looks relieved.

Oh, that, says the Madonna. It may have been done my Sweetpea. He slipped on the oil, and probably chipped a mosaic. Luckily he didn't damage his bottom.

Sweetpea weighs up the pros and cons of showing the policeman his bottom.

And wisely, decides against it.

Very well, says Victor. Perhaps we'll leave it at that.

Don't you want to know why the oil was spilled in the first place? asks the Madonna. You may need to lodge a report.

Yes, of course, says Victor. 

Sweetpea's feet smelled of goat's cheese, says the Madonna. I suggested he use the feet-washing water, which we keep in the store room. But he can't read well, and he picked up the olio santa.

Christmas oil? asks Victor.

Holy oil, says the Madonna. 

I see, says Victor. 

You need to improve your Italian, says the Madonna.

What With?

This frog is coming with me, says Victor.

No! cries the Kroombit tinker.

For further questioning, says Victor.

Wait, says Arthur. 

He calls Gaius.

Arthur! says Gaius. Are you still following the tinker?

I was, says Arthur, until I found her.

So you've found her, says Gaius. Where are you?

In Florence, says Arthur. We came on the train.

Whatever for? asks Gaius. 

To get a confession from Nicolo, says Arthur. 

You needn't have bothered, says Gaius. 

She wanted to do it, says Arthur. But now there's a problem.

Yes, says Gaius. She's in Florence.

Not just that, says Arthur. She's been arrested.

Arrested! What for? asks Gaius.

Wilful damage to the floor of the Cathedral de Santa Maria Fiore, says Arthur. But we're lucky. 

Lucky? says Gaius. Go on.

The arresting officer is Victor, says Arthur. 

Victor taps Arthur's shoulder.

Here they call me Vittorio, says Victor.

He's here on an international officer swap, says Arthur.

Put him on, says Gaius.

Arthur hands Victor the phone

Pronto! says Victor.

Victor! says Gaius What's this I hear about you arresting the Kroombit tinker?

Damage is damage, says Victor. I can't let it go.

That frog is endangered, says Gaius. And I am responsible.

Surely not, says Victor. Wouldn't it be disappearing habitat, or chytrid fungus?

Responsible for HER! says Gaius. I allowed her to come as house mother for the pobblebonk team, who unfortunately are no longer with us.

Oh? says Victor.

Not her fault, says Gaius. In fact I believe she has obtained a written confession from the real culprit.

I'll follow it up, says Victor. But for now, she remains in my custody.

What has she supposedly damaged? asks Gaius.

She has chipped a mosaic tile, says Victor.

What with? asks Gaius.

Victor has not got this far.

He looks at the tinker.

She has soft body parts.

She is holding a soft oily rag.

How might she have done it?

Crack Free

 Looks oily, says the Kroombit tinker. When you go back, don't run.

Okay, says Sweetpea.

He replaces the stopper in the olio santa vial and steps out of the little room, slowly.

His feet smell so nice.

He steps forward boldly.

And slides.

Crash! He lands on his little stone bottom.

Ooh! says the Kroombit tinker. Are you all right?

Yes, says Sweetpea, getting up and looking down at his glistening feet.

Maybe it wasn't water, says the Kroombit tinker. I'll look for a towel.

She goes back to the little room.

Sweetpea continues his slow walk back to the Madonna, leaving oily footprints on the mosaic floor.

The Kroombit tinker comes out of the room with a hand towel.

She starts wiping the floor.

And is promptly noticed by a guard.

A frog in the cathedral doing something suspicious!

The guard calls a policeman.

Sweetpea arrives back at the Madonna.

He climbs up to his seat beside her.

You smell better, says the Madonna. But I think you used the wrong water.

I know, says Sweetpea. It was oily. I slipped over and crashed.

I thought I heard heard a noise, says the Madonna. Are you cracked anywhere?

No, says Sweetpea. I landed on my bottom.

Let me see, says the Madonna.

Sweetpea is just showing her his crack-free bottom, when a policeman enters the Cathedral.

Over here, says the guard.

The policeman follows the guard to where the Kroombit tinker is wiping up oily footprints.

I'll leave you to it, says the guard.

The policeman stares hard at the tinker.

What? asks the tinker. It's only a spill. I'm dealing with it.

An Australian frog! says the policeman.

What of it? asks the tinker.

How did you get here? asks the policeman.

On the train from Nice, says the tinker.

The policeman puts two and two together.

You were that frog on the bicycle, says the policeman. The one that won the time trial.

You saw it? asks the tinker.

I did, says the policeman.

Arthur and Nicolo come over.

Victor! says Arthur. Why are you here?

Vittorio to you, says Victor. I'm here on an international officer swap program.

Lucky you, says Arthur. This is Nicolo, my ex-teammate. And this is the tinker.

She shouldn't be here, says Victor.

We know, says Arthur. We're taking her back.

That might not be so simple, says Victor. She has damaged the floor of Florence's largest cathedral.

I'm wiping it up, says the tinker.

You have chipped it, says Victor.

His eagle eye has spotted a chip in the mosaic tiling.

It looks like an old chip, says Nicolo.

But Victor is determined to do the right thing.

The Kroombit tinker must be arrested.

Holy Olio

Come on up, dear, says the Madonna. Sit by me.

Sweetpea climbs up to his usual position

The Madonna sniffs the air. Sniff! What is it?

Do I smell goat's cheese?

No! says Sweetpea. 

I do, says the Madonna. It's very distinctive.

Can I get down again? asks Sweetpea.

All right, says the Madonna.

Sweetpea gets down.

She can smell my feet, whispers Sweetpea.

Own up to what happened, whispers the Kroombit tinker. 

What if I wash them? whispers Sweetpea.

Sweetpea, says the Madonna, I may have poor eyesight but my hearing is perfect.

Oops! says Sweetpea.

If you stepped on some goat's cheese it's hardly your fault, says the Madonna.

Yes, says Sweetpea. 

Is there any water in this cathedral? asks the Kroombit tinker.

There is, says the Madonna. We have special feet-washing water.

Where is it kept? asks the Kroombit tinker.

In that little room over there, says the Madonna. It should be marked 'feet-washing water'.

Sweetpea and I will get it, says the tinker.

Get one of them to go with you, says the Madonna, indicating Arthur and Nicolo who have wandered over the mosaic floor decorations to look at the portrait of Dante Alighieri on one of the walls.

But Sweetpea has already run to the small room, and turned the squeaky door handle.

The Kroombit tinker follows, and they go in.

There are rows of vials of various liquids with labels.

In Italian!

Can you read Italian? asks the tinker.

Only O says Sweetpea.

That's not helpful, says the tinker.

There is lavaggio dei piedi, lavaggio delle mani, aqua santa, olio santa and vino altare.

You choose, says the tinker. But don't choose the red one

No way! says Sweetpea.

He chooses the olio santa ( because of the Os).

Open it, says Sweetpea.

You open it, says the tinker.

Sweetpea pulls out the stopper, and pours holy oil on his feet.

A sweet odour arises.

Good. This is promising.

Joyful Moment

Are we there yet? asks Sweetpea.

Almost, says Nicolo.

How am I looking? asks Sweetpea.

Your nose is still red, says Nicolo.

Your toes look okay, says Arthur.

And you didn't turn yellow or salty, says the Kroombit tinker.

Or bent in the middle. says Sweetpea.

You are bent in the middle, says the Kroombit tinker.

But not like a Pringle, says Sweetpea.

That depends, says the Kroombit tinker.

What on? asks Sweetpea.

On which way up it is, says the Kroombit tinker.

Don't worry about that, says Nicolo. Concentrate on your nose.

I am, says Sweetpea. 

He concentrates on his nose.

Ommmm! Nose, go back to normal......

Omm? says the tinker.

The train arrives at Firenze Central Station. 

Time to get off.

Coming with us? asks Nicolo.

Sure, says Arthur. We may as well see Sweetpea home.

They head for the Cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore, Sweetpea's home.

It's a short walk from the station.

They stop at the entrance.

Sweetpea can see the Madonna at the far end.

He runs towards her.

Sweetpea! says the Madonna. You're back! What's that on your nose?

I had a red drink, says Sweetpea.

It will fade, says the Madonna. Did you have a nice time?

Everything happened! says Sweetpea. Terence's frog team died.

Except for me, says the Kroombit tinker.

Except for her, says Sweetpea. And she won the time trial, but nobody timed her.

Well done, frog, says the Madonna. It's what happens that matters. Not the recording.

But sometimes, says the Kroombit tinker, it helps to have a written confession.

The Madonna raises an eyebrow.

There was some controversy over the deaths of the pobblebonks, says Nicolo.

Who was responsible? asks the Madonna.

Would you like to read the confession? asks Nicolo.

I would, says the Madonna, but I don't have my glasses. Sweetpea, go and get them They're in that box over there.

Sweetpea brings her the glasses.

She reads the confession.

You confess to an accident? asks the Madonna.

Yes, says Nicolo. The aim is to exonerate both myself and the frog. 

By saying 'These things happen'? says the Madonna.

She clicks her tongue, but decides not to pursue it.

After all, it's a joyful moment.

Her Sweetpea is back.

 

Eaten Up From Inside

Cheater! says Sweetpea, hopping away down the carriage.

The Kroombit tinker decides not to follow.

What's going on? asks Nicolo.

One simple tickle, says the Kroombit tinker.

I wouldn't have thought he'd have felt it, says Nicolo.

With a feather, says the tinker.

Even less so, says Nicolo.

It was to increase his hopping and warm him up more, says the tinker.

A good plan, says Nicolo. Is he on his way back yet?

He's stopped at the far end, says the tinker.

Go and get him, says Nicolo.

What about the ticket inspector? asks the Kroombit tinker.

You're unlikely to see him, says Nicolo. But if you do, just come back. I'll have the Pringles tube ready.

The Kroombit tinker hops down to the far end of the carriage.

I'm sorry, says the tinker.

What for? asks Sweetpea.

The tickle, says the Kroombit tinker.

But look! says Sweetpea. The fungus has gone.

A few passengers look round to see who it was that had fungus.

A sweet little infant with a red nose, and a frog! 

That frog has a fungus! says a passenger.

Merde! says another.

Probably that dreadful chytrid fungus, says a third passenger. It eats them up from inside.

No, it eats them up from outside, says the first passenger.

It stops them respiring, says the second.

They know a lot, says Sweetpea.

They know nothing, says the tinker. Come on.

Sweetpea follows the tinker back to where Nicolo and Arthur are sitting.

I'm fixed! says Sweetpea.

Nicolo looks at Sweetpea's toes.

Bravo! there is no more cheesy fungus infecting those hard little digits.

Arthur leans across to inspect the phenomenon.

But what's happened to the fungus?

Arthur suspects that Sweetpea will have left cheesy hopping footprints all the way down the passage.

In which case.... it's probably best to do nothing.

Sentimental Feather

Can I have your feather? asks Sweetpea.

What feather? says Arthur.

The one stuck to your knife, says Sweetpea.

What for? asks Arthur.

To help me, says Sweetpea.

Okay, says Arthur. 

He takes the cheese knife out of his pocket and detaches the feather.

Here, says Arthur. But I'm expecting it back.

Sure, says Sweetpea.

Why do you want it back? asks Nicolo.

I keep it in my pocket, says Arthur.

Sentimental reasons? asks Nicolo.

Ask the feather, says Arthur. It follows me around.

Nicolo laughs. 

A feather with sentimental reasons. Ha ha! 

Sweetpea waves the feather at the Kroombit tinker.

Now what? asks Sweetpea.

There are one or two things we can try, says the tinker. Give me the feather.

Sweetpea gives her the feather.

Arms up, says the tinker. And start hopping

Sweetpea suspects something. 

Is the tinker going to tickle him with the feather?

And then what? He will wriggle and squirm. 

And probably get hotter. And the cheese will slide off.

But he hates being tickled.

I see that you're hestitant, says the tinker. Don't you like tickles?

Can we try something else first? asks Sweetpea.

Okay, says the tinker. But it would be good if the cheese had got softer.

Just one tickle then, says Sweetpea.

He resumes his hopping dance, with arms up.

He is expecting one tickle.

Hop-hop. Which under-arm will she tickle?

Hop-hop. And when will she do it? 

The Kroombit tinker has hopped behind him, with the feather.

Hop-hop. Where is she now?

Suddenly an exquisite tickling occurs at the back of his knees.

Hop-hop. Hee-hee!

The Kroombit tinker has cheated!

Useless Hopping

Scrape it off anyway, says Sweetpea.

It'll come off by itself, says Arthur.

But how did it get there? asks Sweetpea.

Did you step on it? asks Arthur.

No, I ate it, says Sweetpea.

It must have gone right through you and come out at your toes, says Arthur.

Then I should have red feet, says Sweetpea.

Why? asks Arthur. 

Because of the red drink . But I got a red nose, says Sweetpea.

Liquids must be different, says Arthur. They ooze out much sooner.

Nicolo taps Arthur on the shoulder.

Has he got a fungus? asks Nicolo.

No, says Arthur. Just cheese.

Good, says Nicolo. I'd like to return him in decent condition. Are you scraping it off?

No, says Arthur. I told him it'd come off.

How? asks Nicolo. 

It just will, says Arthur. Everything does in the end.

We haven't got that long, says Nicolo. 

What shall I do? asks Sweetpea.

Dance, says the Kroombit tinker, from inside her tube.

Who said dance? asks Sweetpea.

The frog, says Nicolo. It's a good idea. When you dance you get hotter.

But will Sweetpea get hotter? asks Arthur.

YES! says Sweetpea. I'll get hotter. Then what?

The cheese will slide off, says the Kroombit tinker, coming out of the Pringle tube.

Where shall I dance? asks Sweetpea.

In the aisle, says Arthur. But not in the middle.

Sweetpea jumps down.

He stands in the aisle but not in the middle.

What dance should he do?

Do a hopping dance, says the tinker. I'll show you.

She hops down beside him and starts hopping.

Sweetpea hops too.

The cheese on his toes shows no sign of melting.

Keep hopping, says the tinker.

Sweetpea keeps hopping.

It's useless, says Sweetpea.

You need a knife, says the tinker.

Arthur won't give it to me, says Sweetpea. His knife is stuck up with fluff, dried cheese, and a feather.

Ask for the feather, says the tinker.

Holey Toes

Come out of the tube for a minute, says Sweetpea.

The Kroombit tinker comes out of the tube.

What's a fungus? asks Sweetpea.

You don't want to know, says the tinker.

I do want to know, says Sweetpea. Have a look at my toes.

The Kroombit tinker looks at his toes.

Nice baby toes, says the Kroombit tinker. What about them?

Holes! says Sweetpea.

Ha ha! Holey toes. I can't see them, says the tinker.

Look harder, says Sweetpea.

Oh, yes, says the tinker. 

Will I die? asks Sweetpea.

Not you, says the tinker.

Nicolo's mother died, says Sweetpea.

But not of toe fungus, says the tinker. 

What about cheese fungus? asks Sweetpea.

Probably not of that either, says the Kroombit tinker. And I wasn't that worried. It's just that we frogs are susceptible. 

Am I? asks Sweetpea.

No, says the Kroombit tinker. But if you're concerned, why don't you ask Arthur.

Okay, says Sweetpea.

He stands up in his seat and taps Arthur on the shoulder.

What? says Arthur.

I've got fungus, says Sweetpea. From eating the goat's cheese.

Show me, says Arthur. 

Sweetpea jumps down. But how will he show his fungus to Arthur?

Swap seats with Nicolo, says Arthur.

Sweetpea and Nicolo swap seats.

Sweetpea lifts up his legs and shows his toes to Arthur..

That's not fungus, says Arthur. That's goat's cheese.

How did it get there? asks Sweetpea. And why is it holey?

It isn't, says Arthur. It's a soft cheese, and the holes are where the cheese isn't.

Phew! What a relief for Sweetpea.

I'll scrape it off for you, says Arthur.

He takes his cheese knife out of his pocket.

The cheese knife he used to cut up the goat's cheese.

The goat's cheese on the cheese knife has hardened. 

Bits of fluff are stuck to it. And an old grey feather.

Maybe not, says Arthur. That could make it worse.

Friends, Fences, Fish

Very nice goat's cheese, says the ticket inspector. But now I must get a move on. 

Arthur holds out the knife.

It's sticky from cutting the goat's cheese.

I'll allow you to keep that, says says ticket inspector.

Thank you, says Arthur.

He shoves it back into his pocket.

I'm trusting you won't use it for nefarious purposes, says the ticket inspector.

It's a long time since I've used a knife for nefarious purposes, says Arthur.

Good to hear, says the ticket inspector.

He moves off.

Tell us about the nefarious purposes, says Ursula.

Yes, tell us, says Bertha. 

Fighting, says Arthur. But only with friends.

Knife fighting! says Ursula. Surely you wouldn't...

Or cutting through wire fences, says Arthur.

Whatever for? asks Bertha.

If the gate's locked, says Arthur. 

Don't get the wrong impression, says Nicolo. He's a poet.

Oh yes ha ha, laugh Ursula and Bertha. 

Or say you're arguing over a fish, says Arthur. And things get testy.

Yes, says Ursula. I get it.

Well, says Bertha, we should probably go back to our seats now.

Nice to meet you, says Nicolo.

Thanks for the goat's cheese, says Sweetpea.

I hope you won't get a fungus, says Bertha.

I won't, says Sweetpea. 

They're very hard to get rid of, says Bertha. Especially under the toenails.

Tell me about it, says Nicolo.

You too? says Bertha.

No, says Nicolo. But my mother...

Ah, says Ursula. Your poor mother.

She's dead now, says Nicolo.

Even so, says Bertha... 

She and Ursula are backing away, not caring to hear more about Nicolo's mother.

Sweetpea starts to examine his toes.

What are the tiny holes here? 

Since when did he have those!

Fear Of Fungus.

Arthur, who has a knife, makes a few airholes in the empty Pringles tube. 

The ticket inspector looms up.

No knives permitted on the train, says the ticket inspector.

It's for cheese, says Arthur.

Then where is the cheese? asks the ticket inspector.

He's making airholes in the Pringles tube at my suggestion, says Ursula.

Is he? asks the ticket inspector. 

I am, says Arthur. It's going to be our frog's container.

Which you insisted we should keep the frog in, says Nicolo. So it's at your instigation, the knife.

I shall stay until you have made all the airholes, says the inspector. Then I'll take charge of the knife.

Fine, says Arthur. 

He continues making airholes with the knife.

Is there an exception for cheese knives? asks Bertha.

Not really, says the ticket inspector.

Because I have some cheese, says Bertha.

Go and get it, says Ursula.

Bertha goes back to her seat to look for the cheese.

That's enough airholes, says the Kroombit tinker. You'll weaken the sides of the tube.

Arthur stops stabbing.

Get in, says Sweetpea.

The Kroombit tinker hops inside.

Can you see us? asks Sweetpea.

No, says the tinker.

Put your eye up close to an airhole, says Sweetpea. 

I can see you, says the Kroombit tinker.

What am I doing? asks Sweetpea.

Giving me the finger, says the tinker. That's not very nice.

It's supposed to be nice, says Sweetpea. 

Bertha comes back with the cheese.

It's goat's cheese, says Bertha. Who'd like to try it?

Me, says Sweetpea. Can I? 

You might turn into a goat, says the Kroombit tinker, through an airhole.

What's this about? asks the ticket inpector, intrigued in spite of the fact that he ought to get on with the job.

He's super sensitive, says Arthur. See his red nose? A red drink did that.

I can sympathise, says the ticket inspector.

Bertha unwraps the cheese, releasing a pungent aroma.

Arthur cuts the cheese into six equal pieces.

Ursula takes one, Bertha takes one, Nicolo takes one, the ticket inspector takes one, Arthur takes one, leaving one piece of goat's cheese.

Is that mine? asks Sweetpea.

Half for you, half for the Kroombit tinker, says Arthur.

Frogs don't eat cheese, says the tinker, through an airhole. It gives them a fungus.

Sweetpea grabs the last piece of goat's cheese and eats the whole thing.

It can't give HIM a fungus.

Testing The Tube

Ursula has noticed Nicolo's pointed beard and sharp eyes.

Excuse me, says Ursula. I wonder if the child in my seat is yours?

What does the child look like? asks Nicolo.

Small, with a red nose and finger, says Ursula.

That will be Sweetpea, says Nicolo.

He calls himself Arthur, says Ursula. 

He's trying out being me, says Arthur. Does he have a frog with him?

He does, says Ursula. A frog from Queensland.

The Kroombit tinker, says Arthur.

And you are a poet? asks Ursula. An odd profession these days.

What are you inferring? asks Nicolo.

Nothing, says Ursula. I have a love-hate relationship with poetry.

Me too, says Arthur.

Really? says Ursula. May I sit down behind you?

Go ahead, says Arthur. It's where Sweetpea was sitting.

So it is fitting, says Nicolo.

Are you a poet as well? asks Ursula.

Why do you ask? asks Nicolo.

Sitting rhymes with fitting, says Ursula.

Madam, says Nicolo. If I were a poet I would not use that rhyme.

Apologies, says Ursula.

He's a cyclist, says Arthur.

So is he, says Nicolo.

I'm not interested in cycling, says Ursula. But the question of poetry.....

Love-hate? says Arthur.

Yes, says Ursula. I often think: Why didn't the poet use prose? 

It helps to be tipsy, says Arthur. Or affected by mushrooms. Or pain.

I suppose I can understand that, says Ursula. 

Bertha comes back from the end of the carriage.

Are these the parents? asks Bertha.

I didn't ask, says Ursula, but they're travelling with the child and the frog.

That's good enough for me, says Bertha.

She marches off to where Sweetpea is sitting with the tube of Pringles.

Where's the frog? asks Bertha.

She's testing the tube, says Sweetpea. 

Good, that will make her easier to carry, says Bertha. 

She takes the Pringles tube from Sweetpea.

Follow me, says Bertha.

Sweetpea follows Bertha back to where Arthur and Nicolo are discussing poetry with Ursula.

Bertha hands Nicolo the tube.

Nicolo takes the lid off.

I could have died in there! snaps the tinker.

It needs a few airholes, says Ursula.

Why did no one else think of that?

Probably Bad

The two people stop.

They are two ladies.

Look, Ursula! says one lady. There's a child in your seat.

And a frog in yours, Bertha, says the other.

I'm sure we can sort this out, says Bertha. They'll belong to someone.

Perhaps the child will tell us, says Ursula. I'll ask him.

Sweetpea waits for her to ask him. He hopes she asks who he is and not who he belongs to.

Hello dear, says Ursula. Who do you belong to?

Bonjoo, says Sweetpea, remembering to pretend he is French.

And where is Bonjoo sitting? asks Ursula.

Bonjoo? says Sweetpea.

Yes, where is he or she sitting? asks Ursula.

I'll ask a few people, says Bertha.

She wanders away.

You must go back to your seat with Bonjoo, says Ursula. And your frog must go with you.

There is no Bonjoo, says Sweetpea,.

That's right, says the Kroombit tinker. Bonjoo is a French word, not a person.

Is it? asks Ursula. What does it mean?

I don't know, says the tinker. I'm from Queensland. Ask Sweetpea.... I mean Arthur.

Aha! says Ursula. So the boy's name is Arthur. Now we're progressing.

Yes, says Sweetpea. I'm Arthur, and I write poems.

How sweet! says Ursula. Give me an example.

O Nicolo, says Sweetpea, his beard is pointy and he has very sharp eyes....

Not that one! says the Kroombit tinker.

It's my best one, says Sweetpea.

It's very unusual, says Ursula. I wonder...

Ursula is wondering if little Arthur's unusual poem might reveal his identity.

Is there anyone in the carriage with a pointy beard and sharp eyes?

Wait here, says Ursula.

She wanders off down the passage to check out the other travellers.

It worked! says Sweetpea. She believed me.

We should go, says the Kroombit tinker. 

No, we've got a bit longer, says Sweetpea.

He cranes around to see where the two ladies have got to.

Bertha is a talking to someone at the far end of the carriage.

Ursula is talking to Arthur and Nicolo.

That's probably bad.

So they do not have long.

He Did Not Say Bonjoo

What if Sweetpea and I share a Pringle? says the Kroombit tinker.

Sure, says Nicolo.

See what happens, says Arthur.

Nicolo gives Sweetpea a Pringle. 

Sweetpea snaps it, and eats his half.

The tinker eats hers.

A pause.

Nothing seems to have happened.

Can I have another one? asks Sweetpea.

Better not, says the Kroombit tinker.

Why not? asks Sweetpea, They're not red, only salty.

I think you should wait a bit longer, says the tinker.

Okay, says Sweetpea. But if I wait too long there'll be none left.

Ask them to keep one for you, says the tinker, and if you don't turn salty, or yellow, or a bent circular shape, you can eat it.

That makes sense, says Sweetpea.

Sweetpea asks Nicolo to save him a Pringle for later.

Nicolo promises he will.

Can we have the tube? asks Sweetpea.

Here, says Nicolo. And stop asking questions.

Want to sit somewhere different? asks Arthur.

Where? asks Sweetpea.

Over there, says Arthur, pointing to two empty seats not too far down the aisle.

Yes! says Sweetpea.

He heads to the empty seats with the tube and the tinker.

I hope these seats don't belong to people who've gone to the toilet, says the tinker.

If they do, and the people come back, I'll pretend to be Arthur, says Sweetpea.

You don't know how to do it, says the tinker.

Do you? asks Sweetpea.

I watched Nicolo do it, says the tinker. You have to pretend that you're French.

Okay, says Sweetpea. Bonjoo! How does that sound?

Not bad, says the tinker, But Nicolo didn't say bonjoo. He said grazie.

That's not French, says Sweetpea.

I know, says the Kroombit tinker. So he had to pretend he was practising Italian for when he gets to Florence.

Being Arthur is tricky, says Sweetpea.

You might not have to, says the Kroombit tinker. 

Have I turned salty or yellow yet? asks Sweetpea.

Not yet, says the tinker.

That would make being Arthur even trickier, says Sweetpea. 

You could just say you ate too many Pringles, says the Kroombit tinker. 

I wish, says Sweetpea.

He leans back in his seat, which is not really his seat.

And... oh no! here come two people, back fron the toilet.

The deceit is about to be tested.

Give Them The Finger

Nicolo goes back to where Arthur is sitting with Sweetpea.

Pringles! says Sweetpea.

It's empty, says Nicolo.

It's for me, says the Kroombit tinker. But only when the inspector comes by.

He's already been, says Arthur. 

Did he ask where I was? asks Nicolo.

I told him you were getting a container, says Arthur. 

Is he coming back? asks Nicolo.

Don't know, says Arthur. Anyway, I see you found a container.

Yes, says Nicolo. From a young couple who thought I was you.

I don't look like you, says Arthur.

You all look alike in your bike helmets, says the Kroombit tinker.

That's true, says Nicolo. And as we were never successful we were never on the podium not wearing our helmets.

You could do a crime, says Sweetpea.

What do you know about crime? asks Nicolo.

Plenty, says Sweetpea. Criminals come up all the time to confess to me and the Madonna.

What do they expect you to do? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Give them the finger, says Sweetpea.

Would anyone care for a Pringle? asks Nicolo.

You said the tube was empty, says Sweetpea.

The young woman offered me a handful when she emptied them out, says Nicolo. 

Where are they? asks Arthur

In  my pocket, says Nicolo. I put them there because I was holding the tube and the tinker.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his black handkerchief and some worse-for-wear Pringles.

Was that the handkerchief that you spat the half eaten frog leg into? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Err, yes, says Nicolo. I've had no time to wash it.

Tink tink! says the tinker.

I take it that's a no to a Pringle, says Nicolo.

No, says the Kroombit tinker. It was a comment. I'll try one.

Me too, says Sweetpea.

Nicolo looks at Arthur.

What will happen when Sweetpea eats a Pringle?

Salty Inside

Excuse me, says Nicolo, to the young couple eating the Pringles.

Yes? says the young woman.

This may seem like a strange request, says Nicolo.

You want the tube when it's empty, says the young woman.

In a word, yes, says Nicolo. I assume you were listening.

We were listening, says the young woman. And we were trying to guess who you are.

Does it matter? asks Nicolo.

No, but we heard you're in France for the famous bike race, says the young man.

I am, says Nicolo.

So what team were you in? asks the young man.

Team Condor, says Nicolo.

He must be that guy, says the young woman.

He doesn't look like him, says the young man.

He's Arthur Rimbaud, says the Kroombit tinker. 

Nicolo looks surprised. Until he remembers that he is trying out Arthur's charmed life. Which involves wheedling a container for the Kroombit tinker from complete strangers. 

You could say that, says Nicolo. Have you finished the Pringles?

Not yet, says the young woman. Want one?

Take a few, says the young man.

I was in the bike race as well, says the Kroombit tinker.

We heard, says the young woman. And nobody timed you.

What team were you in? asks the young man.

Baby Pierre's team, says the Kroombit tinker. But I ended up on my own.

And the Pringles tube is for you? asks the young woman.

I guess so, says the Kroombit  tinker. I'm not all that keen.

I don't blame you, says the young woman. It's all salty inside.

And no windows, says the young man.

I don't think we're obliged to keep the lid on, says Nicolo.

You probably only need it to show the inspector, says the young man.

True, says the young woman. Once he's gone, you can come out.

I will, says the Kroombit tinker. Does that mean we can have it?

The young woman tips the rest of the Pringles into her lap.

There are at least twenty.

She gives Nicolo the tube.

And invites him to take some more Pringles.

Grazie, says Nicolo. taking the tube and a few Pringles.

Are you Italian? asks the young man. I thought Rimbaud was French.

Just practising for Florence, says Nicolo.

He retreats, with his alias intact.