Let me in, says Freud, rattling the door handle.
No, says Baby Pierre.
Then you wash the curtains, says Freud.
No, says Baby Pierre.
Do you want to talk about this? says Freud, putting down his paint gun, and wiping his face with his hankie.
Baby Pierre sticks his head out of the window.
One word, says Baby Pierre.
What is it? says Freud, getting out his psychoanalysis notebook.
Sorry, says Baby Pierre.
Apology accepted, says Freud. Let me in.
No, says Baby Pierre. YOU have to say it.
Terence is trying to follow the way this is going. Is somebody winning? Hard to tell.
It's not like at home with Saint Joseph.
Try asking him for an apology!
Hoo hoo! All you'd get is a whack with a chainsaw.
Freud gives up trying to get in through the side door.
He gets in at the front.
Yes, a bit of intelligence, and some lateral thinking. That's all it takes really.
Terence files this in his memory bank: One door shuts, and another door opens.
He wonders if Sweezus knows that.
Of course he does! What Terence knows, Sweezus knows. Unless he's forgotten.
And also, thinks Terence, I am less fond of birds, since the Parrot betrayed us.
...........
( a few seconds, while Freud adjusts the rear vision mirror ).
Freud ( turning round in the driver's seat ): Green Flash, you might like to know.....
Baby Pierre: You cheated.
Freud: It's not cheating to get in the front. It's common sense. And you might like to know.....
Baby Pierre: What might I?
Freud: That your nose is bright orange.
Baby Pierre: That's your fault.
Freud: Here, use my hankie.
Baby Pierre: Is it stinky?
Freud: No, just salty.
Baby Pierre (wiping his nose): Now it's all orange.
Freud: It needs a wash anyway. Now do up your seat belts. We're going.
Yay! cries Baby Pierre.
Yay! cries Terence, highly impressed by his first encounter with psychoanalysis.
Because it's over and everyone's happy.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
The Balance Of Power Sets In
Is it Pee Pee Pee? asks Terence, paint brush poised to begin.
Yes, affirms Freud.
Just checking, says Terence.
It's rude, says Baby Pierre.
It's not rude, says Freud.
So, says Terence, it's not Pee Pee Pee. Because that's rude, actually.
This is ruder, says Baby Pierre. Pi Pi Pi
Just do three Ps, says Freud.
I'll do them, says Baby Pierre. Give me the paintbrush.
He grabs the paintbrush from Terence. He writes:
Pi Pi Pi.
No! says Freud. Is that what you were saying?
It's French, says Baby Pierre. I write it the French way.
Baby Pierre is stretching the truth just a little. He doesn't know French.
P P P, says Freud. Standing for 'Popup Paintball and Pedal'.
What about Po? mutters Terence.
Freud loses his patience.
Get into the van, says Freud. I'll do it myself.
It's dark in the van, and smells fishy.
Eeuuw, says Terence. It stinks in here.
It must have been a food van, says Baby Pierre. A fish and chips one.
Pooh! says Terence. Pooh, pooh!
Baby Pierre explodes into giggles. That's so funny!
You're funny, says Baby Pierre.
So are you, says Terence. Let's open a window.
They climb onto a bench top, which looks like part of a kitchen.
Huh! says Baby Pierre. Lift me up. I'll undo this thingy.
Terence lifts Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre unlatches the window.
Zhoong! The window shoots up, just as Freud is pointing his paint gun at the words Pi Pi Pi.
Pwoooosh! Orange paint sprays all over the curtains, and through the gap, onto Baby Pierre's nose.
Shut that window! says Freud. Look what you've made me do now!
The Green Flashes gasp.
They never expected to hear that sort of unfair reverse accusation from the professor.
Baby Pierre jumps down from the bench and locks the door of the van from the inside.
I've locked him out, says Baby Pierre.
Now what? says Terence.
We demand an apology, says Baby Pierre.
Terence is silent.
The balance of power sets in.
Yes, affirms Freud.
Just checking, says Terence.
It's rude, says Baby Pierre.
It's not rude, says Freud.
So, says Terence, it's not Pee Pee Pee. Because that's rude, actually.
This is ruder, says Baby Pierre. Pi Pi Pi
Just do three Ps, says Freud.
I'll do them, says Baby Pierre. Give me the paintbrush.
He grabs the paintbrush from Terence. He writes:
Pi Pi Pi.
No! says Freud. Is that what you were saying?
It's French, says Baby Pierre. I write it the French way.
Baby Pierre is stretching the truth just a little. He doesn't know French.
P P P, says Freud. Standing for 'Popup Paintball and Pedal'.
What about Po? mutters Terence.
Freud loses his patience.
Get into the van, says Freud. I'll do it myself.
It's dark in the van, and smells fishy.
Eeuuw, says Terence. It stinks in here.
It must have been a food van, says Baby Pierre. A fish and chips one.
Pooh! says Terence. Pooh, pooh!
Baby Pierre explodes into giggles. That's so funny!
You're funny, says Baby Pierre.
So are you, says Terence. Let's open a window.
They climb onto a bench top, which looks like part of a kitchen.
Huh! says Baby Pierre. Lift me up. I'll undo this thingy.
Terence lifts Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre unlatches the window.
Zhoong! The window shoots up, just as Freud is pointing his paint gun at the words Pi Pi Pi.
Pwoooosh! Orange paint sprays all over the curtains, and through the gap, onto Baby Pierre's nose.
Shut that window! says Freud. Look what you've made me do now!
The Green Flashes gasp.
They never expected to hear that sort of unfair reverse accusation from the professor.
Baby Pierre jumps down from the bench and locks the door of the van from the inside.
I've locked him out, says Baby Pierre.
Now what? says Terence.
We demand an apology, says Baby Pierre.
Terence is silent.
The balance of power sets in.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Pee Pee Pee At Po
Arthur would have gone out through the front door. And eventually come back with a knife.
He could have obtained it from anywhere. ( The vet's or the dentist....)
No one would have asked him for provenance.
The Great Sage is different. (It behoves him to consider the ethics of all his actions).
He leaves by the back door.
He finds himself in the garden.
How pleasant is a garden. (This is what he thinks).
A wheelbarrow full of lettuces. A lavender bush buzzing with bees.
A stick, planted hopefully.
But his task is to look for a knife.
All things come to he who is looking. (At least sometimes).
He sees a low wall, upon which......
......
A knife, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh that one, says Gaius. I suppose it will do.
........
Freud is busy, painting his van.
The Green Flashes are helping.
Pa-choong! Pa-choong! Splot!
I miss the old caravan, says Baby Pierre. It was comfy.
Too comfy, says Freud. You had become lazy.
Ha ha, lazy, says Terence. I'm never lazy. Ask my.....
A tear forms in his little stone eye.
Parrot, Parrot, says Baby Pierre. What a baby. He misses his Parrot.
How do you know? says Terence. I didn't say Parrot. I might have been going to say.......ask my dad.
He sniffs.
Freud isn't listening. If he were he might say something useful.
Who's that? says Baby Pierre rudely. Your dad? You don't even have one. Where is he?
The question is too hard for Terence, who can't think of an answer.
Here, says Freud. Who wants to do the writing?
Me, me ! says Terence. What do I write?
Pee Pee Pee at Po, says Freud. In four different colours. How's that for a snappy new brand name?
The Green Flashes forget all about daddies.
Ripper! The new branding is ace!
He could have obtained it from anywhere. ( The vet's or the dentist....)
No one would have asked him for provenance.
The Great Sage is different. (It behoves him to consider the ethics of all his actions).
He leaves by the back door.
He finds himself in the garden.
How pleasant is a garden. (This is what he thinks).
A wheelbarrow full of lettuces. A lavender bush buzzing with bees.
A stick, planted hopefully.
But his task is to look for a knife.
All things come to he who is looking. (At least sometimes).
He sees a low wall, upon which......
......
A knife, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh that one, says Gaius. I suppose it will do.
........
Freud is busy, painting his van.
The Green Flashes are helping.
Pa-choong! Pa-choong! Splot!
I miss the old caravan, says Baby Pierre. It was comfy.
Too comfy, says Freud. You had become lazy.
Ha ha, lazy, says Terence. I'm never lazy. Ask my.....
A tear forms in his little stone eye.
Parrot, Parrot, says Baby Pierre. What a baby. He misses his Parrot.
How do you know? says Terence. I didn't say Parrot. I might have been going to say.......ask my dad.
He sniffs.
Freud isn't listening. If he were he might say something useful.
Who's that? says Baby Pierre rudely. Your dad? You don't even have one. Where is he?
The question is too hard for Terence, who can't think of an answer.
Here, says Freud. Who wants to do the writing?
Me, me ! says Terence. What do I write?
Pee Pee Pee at Po, says Freud. In four different colours. How's that for a snappy new brand name?
The Green Flashes forget all about daddies.
Ripper! The new branding is ace!
Problem Solving For Analysts And Naturalists
Kuitpo Forest.
Problem is, how to get there with the caravan.
How did you get here? asks Gaius.
I didn't , says Freud. I bought it from some young people whose Popup food business was failing.
Perhaps you can swap it for one with a motor, says Gaius.
Freud steps outside.
Gaius gets out his smartphone and looks at some maps.
Aha, says Gaius. We can cycle to Kuitpo via the Southern-Expressway-Bikeway.
That doesn't sound very scenic, says Kong Fu-Zi. I was hoping for mountains.
Gaius looks for an alternative route that has mountains.
If you wish we can ride through the hills via Crafers, Echunga and Meadows, he says.
I should like that, says Kong Fu-Zi. Shall we set off at once?
No, says Gaius, alarmed at the prospect of travelling with someone who does not make adequate preparations.
Why not? says Kong Fu-Zi. With coarse rice to eat, water to drink and my arm for a pillow, I have joy in the midst of these things.
Water? Rice? says Gaius. Do you think these things just pop up out of nowhere? We must go home and pack for the journey. I need my notebooks and pencils as well. And a bird book.
If you say so, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Freud steps back inside.
Done, says Freud. I have swapped the caravan for a van with a motor. Everyone out!
.........
The next morning, at Gaius's house.
Gaius is packing.
To pass the time Kong Fu-Zi picks paint spots from the Platonic Ideal.
At the fourth or fifth spot it occurs to him that it isn't his bicycle.
He goes into the bedroom.
Gaius looks up from his task.
A floating cloud, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Yes? says Gaius. What about it?
Riches and honours acquired by unrighteousness are to me as....... Kong Fu-Zi stops.
A floating cloud! says Gaius. That is wonderfully put, but what is the relevance?
You don't think there is a relevance? says Kong Fu-Zi.
No, says Gaius. Now where is that knife? I bet Arthur still has it. I must call him....
tap tap tap tap... Ring Ring.
There is no answer from Arthur.
My right hand man, explains Gaius.
Kong Fu-Zi is surprised, having met Arthur briefly.
I shall act in his place, says Kong Fu-Zi. Right hand man. How hard can it be?
Thank you, says Gaius. I think we shall get on admirably. Could you go out and find me a knife?
All right, says the Great Sage.
He puts his big pointed hat on, and sallies outside, feeling mildly excited.
Problem is, how to get there with the caravan.
How did you get here? asks Gaius.
I didn't , says Freud. I bought it from some young people whose Popup food business was failing.
Perhaps you can swap it for one with a motor, says Gaius.
Freud steps outside.
Gaius gets out his smartphone and looks at some maps.
Aha, says Gaius. We can cycle to Kuitpo via the Southern-Expressway-Bikeway.
That doesn't sound very scenic, says Kong Fu-Zi. I was hoping for mountains.
Gaius looks for an alternative route that has mountains.
If you wish we can ride through the hills via Crafers, Echunga and Meadows, he says.
I should like that, says Kong Fu-Zi. Shall we set off at once?
No, says Gaius, alarmed at the prospect of travelling with someone who does not make adequate preparations.
Why not? says Kong Fu-Zi. With coarse rice to eat, water to drink and my arm for a pillow, I have joy in the midst of these things.
Water? Rice? says Gaius. Do you think these things just pop up out of nowhere? We must go home and pack for the journey. I need my notebooks and pencils as well. And a bird book.
If you say so, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Freud steps back inside.
Done, says Freud. I have swapped the caravan for a van with a motor. Everyone out!
.........
The next morning, at Gaius's house.
Gaius is packing.
To pass the time Kong Fu-Zi picks paint spots from the Platonic Ideal.
At the fourth or fifth spot it occurs to him that it isn't his bicycle.
He goes into the bedroom.
Gaius looks up from his task.
A floating cloud, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Yes? says Gaius. What about it?
Riches and honours acquired by unrighteousness are to me as....... Kong Fu-Zi stops.
A floating cloud! says Gaius. That is wonderfully put, but what is the relevance?
You don't think there is a relevance? says Kong Fu-Zi.
No, says Gaius. Now where is that knife? I bet Arthur still has it. I must call him....
tap tap tap tap... Ring Ring.
There is no answer from Arthur.
My right hand man, explains Gaius.
Kong Fu-Zi is surprised, having met Arthur briefly.
I shall act in his place, says Kong Fu-Zi. Right hand man. How hard can it be?
Thank you, says Gaius. I think we shall get on admirably. Could you go out and find me a knife?
All right, says the Great Sage.
He puts his big pointed hat on, and sallies outside, feeling mildly excited.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Back To Square One
Three o'clock.
The Parrot is signing a contract.
Good, says the Mayor. Now you're sure you can sign for the Flash?
Sure, says the Parrot. He's still a minor.
The Parrot signs twice on the black dotted line: Parrot for Parrot. Parrot for Top Green Flash.
Come every day now, says the mayor. Unless you get bird flu.
The Parrot's eyes widen. What's bird flu?
A joke, says the mayor. Never mind.
..........
Three o'clock.
The two Green Flashes are on the couch looking disconsolate.
Freud has not noticed as yet.
Three o'clock.
Gaius has finished his talk on bird iridescence.
He looks around for the Parrot.
Not there. Perhaps it's returned to the caravan.
Three o'clock.
Kong Fu-Zi has stopped listing the Virtues of Water. The crowd has dispersed.
He turns again to the Three Rivers Fountain.
A poem comes into his head.
A View of the Han River.
With its three southern branches reaching the Chu border
And its nine streams touching the borders of Jing.......
He feels homesick, and returns to the caravan.
........
Five past three.
Gaius: That was heartening.
Freud: Glad you think so.
Gaius: I might do some work on a series.
Kong Fu-Zi: The babies look sad.
Freud: Babies, what babies?
Terence: Us, the Green Flashes. We are sad.
Baby Pierre: It's five past three. We think the Parrot has pipped us.
Terence: Pipped us. Signed the contract without us.
Gaius: Contract? What contract?
Freud: Too late now. We've missed our golden opportunity. But I have a new plan. Green Flashes, get ready to move.
Baby Pierre: Oh goody! What is it?
Freud: Kuitpo Forest. They play Paintball out there. We shall infiltrate, undermine, establish......
Gaius: Did you say Kuitpo Forest? I shall come too. There are bound to be birds there.
Kong Fu-Zi (sighing): How I long for a forest. Will there be streams? Will there be mountains?
Freud: Ditches and bunkers. Camouflage, guns.....
Terence: And no Parrot. See if I care.
......
So it is decided. They will all go.
......
How close the Square came to becoming a popular venue, with Popup Pedal Paintball and free lectures on Water and Birds.
Tomorrow it will wake up to a contracted Parrot.
And the next day, no Parrot.
You could blame the bird flu for that.
The Parrot is signing a contract.
Good, says the Mayor. Now you're sure you can sign for the Flash?
Sure, says the Parrot. He's still a minor.
The Parrot signs twice on the black dotted line: Parrot for Parrot. Parrot for Top Green Flash.
Come every day now, says the mayor. Unless you get bird flu.
The Parrot's eyes widen. What's bird flu?
A joke, says the mayor. Never mind.
..........
Three o'clock.
The two Green Flashes are on the couch looking disconsolate.
Freud has not noticed as yet.
Three o'clock.
Gaius has finished his talk on bird iridescence.
He looks around for the Parrot.
Not there. Perhaps it's returned to the caravan.
Three o'clock.
Kong Fu-Zi has stopped listing the Virtues of Water. The crowd has dispersed.
He turns again to the Three Rivers Fountain.
A poem comes into his head.
A View of the Han River.
With its three southern branches reaching the Chu border
And its nine streams touching the borders of Jing.......
He feels homesick, and returns to the caravan.
........
Five past three.
Gaius: That was heartening.
Freud: Glad you think so.
Gaius: I might do some work on a series.
Kong Fu-Zi: The babies look sad.
Freud: Babies, what babies?
Terence: Us, the Green Flashes. We are sad.
Baby Pierre: It's five past three. We think the Parrot has pipped us.
Terence: Pipped us. Signed the contract without us.
Gaius: Contract? What contract?
Freud: Too late now. We've missed our golden opportunity. But I have a new plan. Green Flashes, get ready to move.
Baby Pierre: Oh goody! What is it?
Freud: Kuitpo Forest. They play Paintball out there. We shall infiltrate, undermine, establish......
Gaius: Did you say Kuitpo Forest? I shall come too. There are bound to be birds there.
Kong Fu-Zi (sighing): How I long for a forest. Will there be streams? Will there be mountains?
Freud: Ditches and bunkers. Camouflage, guns.....
Terence: And no Parrot. See if I care.
......
So it is decided. They will all go.
......
How close the Square came to becoming a popular venue, with Popup Pedal Paintball and free lectures on Water and Birds.
Tomorrow it will wake up to a contracted Parrot.
And the next day, no Parrot.
You could blame the bird flu for that.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
The Betrayal At Three
Back in the caravan, Terence and Baby Pierre are surprised to see the Parrot, hovering.
Parrot! says Terence. How did I do?
You did amazeballs, says the Parrot.
See, says Terence, to Baby Pierre. I did amazeballs.
You didn't do anything, says Baby Pierre. You were in here with me. I was watching.
We're a team, says Terence. Me and my Parrot.
Freud returns, with the mayor of Adelaide.
They climb in. The caravan creaks.
We must have a discussion, says the mayor. This is just what the square needs.
Certainly, says Freud. I can deliver. Meet the Green Flash. Green Flash, meet the mayor.
Baby Pierre stands up to shake hands with the mayor.
What does he do? says the mayor. He's rather little.
Baby Pierre sits back down.
Terence stands up.
I'm Top Green Flash, says Terence. And this is my Parrot.
Pleased to meet you, says the mayor. Come to my office at three and we'll draw up a contract. The Parrot as well. I saw how it vanished. Amazeballs!
Wait, says Freud. As their manager.....
Got to go, says the mayor. Busy busy.
He goes.
You're not Top Green Flash, I am, says Baby Pierre. It should be me going to the meeting.
You just sat here watching videos, says Terence. While I was out splattering paint balls, and being amazeballs, and turning invisible.
Invisible, says the Parrot. See?
He hovers a few seconds, fluttering his iridescent wings, before once more becoming invisible.
I'm not entirely happy with that, says Terence. I can't do it.
Too too solid flesh, says Freud. Want to talk about it?
Will it help? asks Terence.
No, says Baby Pierre. He doesn't listen.
I do listen, says Freud. Now what time is it?
He looks at his watch.
Ten to three.
Parrot! says Terence. How did I do?
You did amazeballs, says the Parrot.
See, says Terence, to Baby Pierre. I did amazeballs.
You didn't do anything, says Baby Pierre. You were in here with me. I was watching.
We're a team, says Terence. Me and my Parrot.
Freud returns, with the mayor of Adelaide.
They climb in. The caravan creaks.
We must have a discussion, says the mayor. This is just what the square needs.
Certainly, says Freud. I can deliver. Meet the Green Flash. Green Flash, meet the mayor.
Baby Pierre stands up to shake hands with the mayor.
What does he do? says the mayor. He's rather little.
Baby Pierre sits back down.
Terence stands up.
I'm Top Green Flash, says Terence. And this is my Parrot.
Pleased to meet you, says the mayor. Come to my office at three and we'll draw up a contract. The Parrot as well. I saw how it vanished. Amazeballs!
Wait, says Freud. As their manager.....
Got to go, says the mayor. Busy busy.
He goes.
You're not Top Green Flash, I am, says Baby Pierre. It should be me going to the meeting.
You just sat here watching videos, says Terence. While I was out splattering paint balls, and being amazeballs, and turning invisible.
Invisible, says the Parrot. See?
He hovers a few seconds, fluttering his iridescent wings, before once more becoming invisible.
I'm not entirely happy with that, says Terence. I can't do it.
Too too solid flesh, says Freud. Want to talk about it?
Will it help? asks Terence.
No, says Baby Pierre. He doesn't listen.
I do listen, says Freud. Now what time is it?
He looks at his watch.
Ten to three.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
The Virtues Of Water And Light
Freud opens the caravan door to the mayor, Stephen Yarwood.
What's going on? says the mayor. A pigeon just sprayed me.
Must happen quite often, says Freud.
With paint! says Stephen Yarwood. I spilled all my coffee.
Freud steps outside.
Ah! says Freud. This is what I knew would happen. You must be pleased.
What? says the mayor. Mayhem and paint spots? A blue fountain?. We've just got it going, you know.
Look at the crowd that has gathered, says Freud.
Holy moly! says Stephen Yarwood. That is a surprise. This square is usually empty. Except for odd protests of course.
They stroll over the central roadway to Three Rivers Fountain at the southern end of the square, where Kong Fu-Zi is addressing a crowd on the Virtues of Water.
This has all come about in five minutes.
Kong Fu-Zi, contemplating the water, which was blue-green, the colour of spring, had felt a compulsion to teach.
He had taken his hat off. He had turned to the skate boarder nearest him and begun:
A Lesson on the Virtues of Water.
Water moves continuously forward without stopping. It irrigates everything, yet does not regard itself as outstanding. It is like virtue.
The skateboarder (Dogman) is moved.
Sick ! says Dogman.
Another skateboarder comes up.
Kong Fu-Zi, encouraged, continues:
Water flows in high and low places. It follows one principle. It is like justice.
The second skateboarder (Vansy) is stoked.
Dope! says Vansy.
I hope they turn this fountain off in the summer, adds Vansy. That would be, like, proper justice.
I reckon, says Dogman. Then we could skate through the middle.
Several more people have stopped.
Water dashes forward without fear, says Kong -Fu-Zi. It is like courage.
Well said, says a man, who is no doubt some sort of developer.
It is always self-leveling, says Kong Fu-Zi. It is like the Law.
The mayor hears this last bit.
He is impressed. This sort of thing should be encouraged.
........
Gaius too has attracted a crowd.
What is he talking about?
Iridescence.
As you see, says Gaius. There is no need for paint. A pigeon has its own iridescence, pink and shimmering green. Nor is this due to the presence of oils, but to structural colour. The feathers are a tilted lattice work of tiny threads of pigmented material......
Why were you trying to squirt it with paint? asks a punter.
I missed, deliberately, says Gaius. It was merely a game.
The crowd are satisfied with this explanation.
Gaius goes on to explain the interference effect of the light waves.
.......
The crowd round the Parrot is the largest.
This Parrot, which has just come into being, was once a drab pigeon.
Look at it now. Multicoloured, iridescent. All hail the Parrot!
Will it speak?
Hush.
The Parrot opens its beak.
But then.....
Light waves bounce down from the sun and interfere with his threads.
He disappears totally.
Wo! Amazeballs!
What's going on? says the mayor. A pigeon just sprayed me.
Must happen quite often, says Freud.
With paint! says Stephen Yarwood. I spilled all my coffee.
Freud steps outside.
Ah! says Freud. This is what I knew would happen. You must be pleased.
What? says the mayor. Mayhem and paint spots? A blue fountain?. We've just got it going, you know.
Look at the crowd that has gathered, says Freud.
Holy moly! says Stephen Yarwood. That is a surprise. This square is usually empty. Except for odd protests of course.
They stroll over the central roadway to Three Rivers Fountain at the southern end of the square, where Kong Fu-Zi is addressing a crowd on the Virtues of Water.
This has all come about in five minutes.
Kong Fu-Zi, contemplating the water, which was blue-green, the colour of spring, had felt a compulsion to teach.
He had taken his hat off. He had turned to the skate boarder nearest him and begun:
A Lesson on the Virtues of Water.
Water moves continuously forward without stopping. It irrigates everything, yet does not regard itself as outstanding. It is like virtue.
The skateboarder (Dogman) is moved.
Sick ! says Dogman.
Another skateboarder comes up.
Kong Fu-Zi, encouraged, continues:
Water flows in high and low places. It follows one principle. It is like justice.
The second skateboarder (Vansy) is stoked.
Dope! says Vansy.
I hope they turn this fountain off in the summer, adds Vansy. That would be, like, proper justice.
I reckon, says Dogman. Then we could skate through the middle.
Several more people have stopped.
Water dashes forward without fear, says Kong -Fu-Zi. It is like courage.
Well said, says a man, who is no doubt some sort of developer.
It is always self-leveling, says Kong Fu-Zi. It is like the Law.
The mayor hears this last bit.
He is impressed. This sort of thing should be encouraged.
........
Gaius too has attracted a crowd.
What is he talking about?
Iridescence.
As you see, says Gaius. There is no need for paint. A pigeon has its own iridescence, pink and shimmering green. Nor is this due to the presence of oils, but to structural colour. The feathers are a tilted lattice work of tiny threads of pigmented material......
Why were you trying to squirt it with paint? asks a punter.
I missed, deliberately, says Gaius. It was merely a game.
The crowd are satisfied with this explanation.
Gaius goes on to explain the interference effect of the light waves.
.......
The crowd round the Parrot is the largest.
This Parrot, which has just come into being, was once a drab pigeon.
Look at it now. Multicoloured, iridescent. All hail the Parrot!
Will it speak?
Hush.
The Parrot opens its beak.
But then.....
Light waves bounce down from the sun and interfere with his threads.
He disappears totally.
Wo! Amazeballs!
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Possible Good Result Of Seeming Disorder
We must find Terence a bicycle, says Freud.
He opens the cupboard.
Bet he can't even ride, says Baby Pierre.
Hah! says Terence. Ask my Parrot.
The Parrot flies down to the cupboard.
This one will do fine, says the Parrot.
That's mine! says Baby Pierre. The wheels are fluoroelastane.
I'm good with that, says the Parrot.
.......
Freud opens the door of the caravan.
No police around. Just several skate boarders and one or two people with takeaway coffee.
Right, says Freud. NOW!
Gaius, Kong Fu-Zi and the Parrot hop onto their bicycles. Freud sits on the step.
What now? asks the Parrot.
You ride around squirting paint balls, says Freud. You have five minutes. Go!
Kong Fu-Zi doesn't quite get it. He rides the Platonic Ideal to the fountain, and squeezes the trigger.
Pa-choong! Paint squirts into the water. The water turns blue.
He dismounts and gazes contemplatively at the results of his actions.
Gaius aims his paintball at the Parrot. Narrowly misses.
The Parrot calls foul. He wants a ruling.
He rides back to the door of the caravan where Freud is sitting with Terence and Baby Pierre.
........
Parrot: I want a ruling.
Freud: There's only one rule. Don't get caught.
Terence: Ha ha Parrot. Just squirt anyone. See that man with the coffee.
Baby Pierre: No, not him.
Too late. The Parrot has squeezed the trigger and splattered paint on the man with the coffee.
Freud drags Terence and Baby Pierre inside the caravan, and shuts the door.
.........
Five minutes later, Freud looks out of the caravan window.
A crowd has gathered, around Kong Fu-Zi.
Another crowd has gathered around Gaius.
The Parrot has vanished.
In the place of the Parrot, is another more colourful parrot.
A crowd has gathered around the new parrot.
And the mayor of Adelaide is standing outside.
He opens the cupboard.
Bet he can't even ride, says Baby Pierre.
Hah! says Terence. Ask my Parrot.
The Parrot flies down to the cupboard.
This one will do fine, says the Parrot.
That's mine! says Baby Pierre. The wheels are fluoroelastane.
I'm good with that, says the Parrot.
.......
Freud opens the door of the caravan.
No police around. Just several skate boarders and one or two people with takeaway coffee.
Right, says Freud. NOW!
Gaius, Kong Fu-Zi and the Parrot hop onto their bicycles. Freud sits on the step.
What now? asks the Parrot.
You ride around squirting paint balls, says Freud. You have five minutes. Go!
Kong Fu-Zi doesn't quite get it. He rides the Platonic Ideal to the fountain, and squeezes the trigger.
Pa-choong! Paint squirts into the water. The water turns blue.
He dismounts and gazes contemplatively at the results of his actions.
Gaius aims his paintball at the Parrot. Narrowly misses.
The Parrot calls foul. He wants a ruling.
He rides back to the door of the caravan where Freud is sitting with Terence and Baby Pierre.
........
Parrot: I want a ruling.
Freud: There's only one rule. Don't get caught.
Terence: Ha ha Parrot. Just squirt anyone. See that man with the coffee.
Baby Pierre: No, not him.
Too late. The Parrot has squeezed the trigger and splattered paint on the man with the coffee.
Freud drags Terence and Baby Pierre inside the caravan, and shuts the door.
.........
Five minutes later, Freud looks out of the caravan window.
A crowd has gathered, around Kong Fu-Zi.
Another crowd has gathered around Gaius.
The Parrot has vanished.
In the place of the Parrot, is another more colourful parrot.
A crowd has gathered around the new parrot.
And the mayor of Adelaide is standing outside.
Monday, September 22, 2014
One Time Director Of Crime
You must bring your bicycles, says Professor Freud. Does the Great Sage have one?
I believe he has Schopenhauer's, says Gaius. The famous Platonic Ideal.
I do, says Kong Fu-Zi. Perhaps I should opt out of Paintball. It would be wrong to get paint on it.
Don't worry, says Freud. Paint comes off.
They follow Freud through the city.
Gaius, on his bicycle.
Kong Fu-Zi, on the Platonic Ideal.
Terence, travelling in the vintage retro basket.
The parrot, fluttering overhead, looking a lot like a pigeon.
They stop in Victoria Square, in front of a multi-coloured caravan, painted with exploding coloured balls.
Victoria Square! says Gaius. You can't be serious.
We pop up anywhere, says Freud. Popup Paintball and Pedal. No rules.
He opens the door of the caravan.
They all crowd inside.
Green Flash! calls Freud. We have visitors!
Of course! It's Baby Pierre!
Baby Pierre is dressed in green lycra, lying on a couch, watching a video.
He looks up. Uh, it's just Gaius.
But no, there's another man, carrying a baby. And some sort of boring grey bird.
The man puts the baby down on the couch beside Baby Pierre.
Are you the Green Flash? says the baby.
Yar, says Baby Pierre.
We have something in common, says the baby.
What? says Baby Pierre.
Are you stupid? says the baby. What are you really?
A pebble, says Baby Pierre. A pebble with the Mark Of The Claw.
He whips off his helmet.
Woo! says the baby. You have a flaw!
Claw! says Baby Pierre. A Claw.
See that Chinese man, says the baby. He is Wisdom, he is. He says we should not have a flaw.
Baby Pierre turns up the sound on the video.
Pow! Pow! Splatt! Arghhh!
Meanwhile the grownups are talking.
Tea first? says Freud.
Do you have teabags? asks Kong Fu-Zi. I believe tea bags are quicker.
Are you in a hurry? says Freud.
He puts on the kettle.
Well, Sigmund, says Gaius, you must tell us. How does this Popup thing work? Is it legal?
Let's say that it is untested, says Freud. Speed is the essence.
Kong Fu-Zi looks alarmed.
I should not like to get into trouble with the authorities, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Why not? says Freud. Is it something to do with your childhood?
Not my childhood, says Kong Fu-Zi. But I was once the Director of Crime.
Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius.
That was when I came up with my famous opposition to the use of fines and punishment, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Fine sentiments, says Professor Freud, approvingly.
Yes but..... says Gaius. Were you actually a criminal?
Of course not, says Kong Fu-Zi. It was a government appointment.
There is no polite answer to this.
No worries, says Freud. We'll be in and out before you can say popup. Drink your tea. I'll find the paint guns.
I believe he has Schopenhauer's, says Gaius. The famous Platonic Ideal.
I do, says Kong Fu-Zi. Perhaps I should opt out of Paintball. It would be wrong to get paint on it.
Don't worry, says Freud. Paint comes off.
They follow Freud through the city.
Gaius, on his bicycle.
Kong Fu-Zi, on the Platonic Ideal.
Terence, travelling in the vintage retro basket.
The parrot, fluttering overhead, looking a lot like a pigeon.
They stop in Victoria Square, in front of a multi-coloured caravan, painted with exploding coloured balls.
Victoria Square! says Gaius. You can't be serious.
We pop up anywhere, says Freud. Popup Paintball and Pedal. No rules.
He opens the door of the caravan.
They all crowd inside.
Green Flash! calls Freud. We have visitors!
Of course! It's Baby Pierre!
Baby Pierre is dressed in green lycra, lying on a couch, watching a video.
He looks up. Uh, it's just Gaius.
But no, there's another man, carrying a baby. And some sort of boring grey bird.
The man puts the baby down on the couch beside Baby Pierre.
Are you the Green Flash? says the baby.
Yar, says Baby Pierre.
We have something in common, says the baby.
What? says Baby Pierre.
Are you stupid? says the baby. What are you really?
A pebble, says Baby Pierre. A pebble with the Mark Of The Claw.
He whips off his helmet.
Woo! says the baby. You have a flaw!
Claw! says Baby Pierre. A Claw.
See that Chinese man, says the baby. He is Wisdom, he is. He says we should not have a flaw.
Baby Pierre turns up the sound on the video.
Pow! Pow! Splatt! Arghhh!
Meanwhile the grownups are talking.
Tea first? says Freud.
Do you have teabags? asks Kong Fu-Zi. I believe tea bags are quicker.
Are you in a hurry? says Freud.
He puts on the kettle.
Well, Sigmund, says Gaius, you must tell us. How does this Popup thing work? Is it legal?
Let's say that it is untested, says Freud. Speed is the essence.
Kong Fu-Zi looks alarmed.
I should not like to get into trouble with the authorities, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Why not? says Freud. Is it something to do with your childhood?
Not my childhood, says Kong Fu-Zi. But I was once the Director of Crime.
Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius.
That was when I came up with my famous opposition to the use of fines and punishment, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Fine sentiments, says Professor Freud, approvingly.
Yes but..... says Gaius. Were you actually a criminal?
Of course not, says Kong Fu-Zi. It was a government appointment.
There is no polite answer to this.
No worries, says Freud. We'll be in and out before you can say popup. Drink your tea. I'll find the paint guns.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Freud's Cure For Ambivalence
I have no idea, says Gaius. Why do you ask?
I'm in a battle, says Terence. I like birds. Sweezus doesn't. I refuse to grow up to be him.
I see, says Gaius. This sounds like a case for our friend, Professor Freud.
Does he like birds .....? begins Terence.
I imagine, like most of us, says Gaius, he is ambivalent about birds. But he knows their significance in the human psyche. And he knows a great deal about battles.
Does he? says Kong Fu-Zi. I assume you mean family battles?
Don't assume, says Gaius. He's a competent practitioner of Paintball.
I love Paintball, says Terence
You don't even know what it is, says the Parrot.
.........
Next morning, they meet Professor Freud in a cafe.
Professor Freud, says Gaius. Meet Kong Fu-Zi, Great Sage of China. He is here for Ozasia.
Pleased to meet you, says Professor Freud. I always enjoy Ozasia. Last night for example I went to a remarkable musical performance. Nova Heart. An interesting study.
How so? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Wonderful drumming, says Freud. Loud hypnotic music, colourful lighting, and a singer who appeared to be having a melt down. She exhibited hysterical symptoms. Scratching her arms, wringing her hands, clutching her tummy. But ahem, mustn't say it. And in any case it was all fake. But highly entertaining. Who knew the Chinese were so modern?
Of course we are modern, snaps Kong Fu-Zi.
Excuse me, says Freud. Sometimes things just slip out.
He he, giggles Terence.
And who is this little person? says Freud. Don't tell me. He's the image of Sweezus. What nice shorts. Are they lizards?
Terence looks shy.
They are geckos, says Gaius. I'm surprised you could make that mistake. And the parrot here, I mean the pigeon...
Freud looks at Gaius, triumphant.
You said parrot! says Freud.
The reason we wished to meet you, says Kong Fu-Zi, was not to discuss taxonomy. It was to get help for this baby.
Yes, yes of course, says Gaius. Terence has psychological problems. He refuses to grow up to be Sweezus.
Perfectly understandable, says Freud. And why should he?
Because they are one and the same, says Gaius. This is him as a baby. This is the baby as him.
That makes no sense at all, says Professor Freud.
That's what I say, says Terence.
I never heard you, says the Parrot.
Well, I do, says Terence. I'm cured!
Wonderful! says Freud.
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi are impressed.
No one thinks to ask Terence what he's cured of. (Not even the Parrot, who should).
And now, says Freud, how would you all like a free game of Paintball, on me? You'll enjoy this, young Terence.You'll meet the Green Flash. You and he have something in common.
Paintball!
Not what the Great Sage feels like doing.
It sounds disturbingly modern.
I'm in a battle, says Terence. I like birds. Sweezus doesn't. I refuse to grow up to be him.
I see, says Gaius. This sounds like a case for our friend, Professor Freud.
Does he like birds .....? begins Terence.
I imagine, like most of us, says Gaius, he is ambivalent about birds. But he knows their significance in the human psyche. And he knows a great deal about battles.
Does he? says Kong Fu-Zi. I assume you mean family battles?
Don't assume, says Gaius. He's a competent practitioner of Paintball.
I love Paintball, says Terence
You don't even know what it is, says the Parrot.
.........
Next morning, they meet Professor Freud in a cafe.
Professor Freud, says Gaius. Meet Kong Fu-Zi, Great Sage of China. He is here for Ozasia.
Pleased to meet you, says Professor Freud. I always enjoy Ozasia. Last night for example I went to a remarkable musical performance. Nova Heart. An interesting study.
How so? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Wonderful drumming, says Freud. Loud hypnotic music, colourful lighting, and a singer who appeared to be having a melt down. She exhibited hysterical symptoms. Scratching her arms, wringing her hands, clutching her tummy. But ahem, mustn't say it. And in any case it was all fake. But highly entertaining. Who knew the Chinese were so modern?
Of course we are modern, snaps Kong Fu-Zi.
Excuse me, says Freud. Sometimes things just slip out.
He he, giggles Terence.
And who is this little person? says Freud. Don't tell me. He's the image of Sweezus. What nice shorts. Are they lizards?
Terence looks shy.
They are geckos, says Gaius. I'm surprised you could make that mistake. And the parrot here, I mean the pigeon...
Freud looks at Gaius, triumphant.
You said parrot! says Freud.
The reason we wished to meet you, says Kong Fu-Zi, was not to discuss taxonomy. It was to get help for this baby.
Yes, yes of course, says Gaius. Terence has psychological problems. He refuses to grow up to be Sweezus.
Perfectly understandable, says Freud. And why should he?
Because they are one and the same, says Gaius. This is him as a baby. This is the baby as him.
That makes no sense at all, says Professor Freud.
That's what I say, says Terence.
I never heard you, says the Parrot.
Well, I do, says Terence. I'm cured!
Wonderful! says Freud.
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi are impressed.
No one thinks to ask Terence what he's cured of. (Not even the Parrot, who should).
And now, says Freud, how would you all like a free game of Paintball, on me? You'll enjoy this, young Terence.You'll meet the Green Flash. You and he have something in common.
Paintball!
Not what the Great Sage feels like doing.
It sounds disturbingly modern.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Identity And What It Boils Down To
Sweezus and Arthur have gone.
Kong Fu-Zi is left with the baby. Also the parrot.
Sit still and be silent, says Kong Fu -Zi. I'm composing.
A tune? asks the parrot.
An article, says Kong Fu-Zi. Hmm hmm hmm.....
That sounds like a tune, says the parrot.
Shut up parrot, says Terence. He's our dad now.
Pah! says the parrot.
Kong Fu-Zi tries to ignore them. He composes his thoughts.
"The secret of riding a bicycle appears to be balance. It is best done in threes. As the wind blows, the grass bends....."
Terence looks over Kong Fu-Zi's shoulder ( having first scrambled onto the table).
He sees what Kong Fu-Zi has been typing.
That's really good, says Terence. Really really good. As the wind blows, the grass bends. Like that, parrot?
Grass looks different to parrots, says the parrot. So does wind.
He is saved from having to explain this, ( which he couldn't), by a knock on the door, a real one this time.
Knock knock! It's Gaius.
Oh, hello, says Gaius. I'm looking for Arthur. But I seem to have missed him again.
The young man who delivered the parrot? says Kong Fu-Zi. He's only just left. I'm surprised you didn't bump into him. He went off with Sweezus.
Thick as thieves, no doubt, says Gaius. And I should point out, that's not a parrot.
Oh? says Kong Fu-Zi, looking hard at the parrot. Why does everyone call it a parrot?
It's my Parrot, says Terence. From Spain.
That doesn't make it a parrot, says Gaius.
Are you an expert? says Terence.
I like to think so, says Gaius. I am Gaius Plinius Secundus, natural historian. And that is a pigeon.
I have never denied it, says the parrot.
Kong Fu-Zi is not pleased with the deception.
He makes a long winded remark, to the effect that the values of society are reflected in incorrect usage of language, and that moral education is the means by which to restore them.
I heartily agree, says Gaius. Call a pigeon a pigeon. A parrot a parrot. Then you know where you are.
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Kong Fu-Zi, says Kong Fu-Zi. Also known as Master Kong, or Confucius.
One name does not suffice? says Gaius.
Aha. You have got me, says Kong Fu-Zi. And if I'm not mistaken, you are Pliny The Elder?
And you have got me, says Gaius.
These names are not deceptions however, says Kong Fu-Zi, looking at Terence. They are legitimate titles.
Like mine, says Terence. Baby Jesus, Prince of Peas, Terence.
Terence? says Gaius. How interesting! Terence was a playwright of the Roman Republic. Publius Terentius Afer. Of North African descent. A freed slave. Very clever......
Did he like birds? asks Terence.
(Oh! Why does everything boil down to this?).
Kong Fu-Zi is left with the baby. Also the parrot.
Sit still and be silent, says Kong Fu -Zi. I'm composing.
A tune? asks the parrot.
An article, says Kong Fu-Zi. Hmm hmm hmm.....
That sounds like a tune, says the parrot.
Shut up parrot, says Terence. He's our dad now.
Pah! says the parrot.
Kong Fu-Zi tries to ignore them. He composes his thoughts.
"The secret of riding a bicycle appears to be balance. It is best done in threes. As the wind blows, the grass bends....."
Terence looks over Kong Fu-Zi's shoulder ( having first scrambled onto the table).
He sees what Kong Fu-Zi has been typing.
That's really good, says Terence. Really really good. As the wind blows, the grass bends. Like that, parrot?
Grass looks different to parrots, says the parrot. So does wind.
He is saved from having to explain this, ( which he couldn't), by a knock on the door, a real one this time.
Knock knock! It's Gaius.
Oh, hello, says Gaius. I'm looking for Arthur. But I seem to have missed him again.
The young man who delivered the parrot? says Kong Fu-Zi. He's only just left. I'm surprised you didn't bump into him. He went off with Sweezus.
Thick as thieves, no doubt, says Gaius. And I should point out, that's not a parrot.
Oh? says Kong Fu-Zi, looking hard at the parrot. Why does everyone call it a parrot?
It's my Parrot, says Terence. From Spain.
That doesn't make it a parrot, says Gaius.
Are you an expert? says Terence.
I like to think so, says Gaius. I am Gaius Plinius Secundus, natural historian. And that is a pigeon.
I have never denied it, says the parrot.
Kong Fu-Zi is not pleased with the deception.
He makes a long winded remark, to the effect that the values of society are reflected in incorrect usage of language, and that moral education is the means by which to restore them.
I heartily agree, says Gaius. Call a pigeon a pigeon. A parrot a parrot. Then you know where you are.
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Kong Fu-Zi, says Kong Fu-Zi. Also known as Master Kong, or Confucius.
One name does not suffice? says Gaius.
Aha. You have got me, says Kong Fu-Zi. And if I'm not mistaken, you are Pliny The Elder?
And you have got me, says Gaius.
These names are not deceptions however, says Kong Fu-Zi, looking at Terence. They are legitimate titles.
Like mine, says Terence. Baby Jesus, Prince of Peas, Terence.
Terence? says Gaius. How interesting! Terence was a playwright of the Roman Republic. Publius Terentius Afer. Of North African descent. A freed slave. Very clever......
Did he like birds? asks Terence.
(Oh! Why does everything boil down to this?).
Gravity Dumps
Pretty soon the birdie has died, and gone, or not gone, to Heaven.
So what were the others? asks Sweezus.
Others? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Virtues, says Sweezus. After compassion.
See what you can come up with, says Kong Fu-Zi.
(This is his method of teaching).
Sweezus thinks aloud. Mmm. What would number two be?
I know! says Terence.
Don't say it! says Sweezus.
Kong Fu-Zi allows himself a small giggle.
Hee hee.
But truly, little baby, says Kong Fu-Zi. Let us know your opinion.
Love all the birds, says Terence, looking sideways at Sweezus.
Wrong, says Sweezus. I bet that's not even number five.
Kong Fu-Zi moves the bird with his foot. Now it is under the table.
You are right, says the Sage. It isn't. The next one is gravity.
Oh cool! says Sweezus. Gravity. I'd never have come up with that one.
There is a knock on the door.
No wait. It's Arthur. Why would he knock on the door?
Arthur comes in with the parrot ( or pigeon ). Without knocking.
Sorry about this, says Arthur. But I have to dump him.
You know what? says Sweezus. I've been thinking the same.
He shoots a black look at the baby.
You can't dump me, says Terence. You have an obligation.
He doesn't, says Kong Fu-Zi. You, as the younger sibling, have the obligation.
Does that go also for parrots? asks the parrot.
I have written very little in regard to animals, says Kong Fu-Zi. So I do not know.
The parrot flutters down gracefully on to the hard head of Terence. From there he sees the dead bird.
Alas, says the parrot. I see you've been up to your tricks again.
He looks sternly at Sweezus.
But Sweezus has had a gut full of blame, fatherhood, compassion, and yes, even gravity!
Who has the mandate of Heaven?
Come on, Arthur, says Sweezus. Let's go.
So what were the others? asks Sweezus.
Others? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Virtues, says Sweezus. After compassion.
See what you can come up with, says Kong Fu-Zi.
(This is his method of teaching).
Sweezus thinks aloud. Mmm. What would number two be?
I know! says Terence.
Don't say it! says Sweezus.
Kong Fu-Zi allows himself a small giggle.
Hee hee.
But truly, little baby, says Kong Fu-Zi. Let us know your opinion.
Love all the birds, says Terence, looking sideways at Sweezus.
Wrong, says Sweezus. I bet that's not even number five.
Kong Fu-Zi moves the bird with his foot. Now it is under the table.
You are right, says the Sage. It isn't. The next one is gravity.
Oh cool! says Sweezus. Gravity. I'd never have come up with that one.
There is a knock on the door.
No wait. It's Arthur. Why would he knock on the door?
Arthur comes in with the parrot ( or pigeon ). Without knocking.
Sorry about this, says Arthur. But I have to dump him.
You know what? says Sweezus. I've been thinking the same.
He shoots a black look at the baby.
You can't dump me, says Terence. You have an obligation.
He doesn't, says Kong Fu-Zi. You, as the younger sibling, have the obligation.
Does that go also for parrots? asks the parrot.
I have written very little in regard to animals, says Kong Fu-Zi. So I do not know.
The parrot flutters down gracefully on to the hard head of Terence. From there he sees the dead bird.
Alas, says the parrot. I see you've been up to your tricks again.
He looks sternly at Sweezus.
But Sweezus has had a gut full of blame, fatherhood, compassion, and yes, even gravity!
Who has the mandate of Heaven?
Come on, Arthur, says Sweezus. Let's go.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Compassion, The Highest Of Virtues
Squawk! Ding!
Poor birdie indeed. Half his beak falls on the pavement.
Oops, says Terence. Now I'm in trouble.
A wildlife officer appears, from a leafy corner of the aviary.
What's up? he says. Oi oi, you've damaged our bird!
Sweezus backs towards the revolving door of the aviary.
Stop right there! says the wildlife officer. Are you the responsible adult in charge of this baby?
I suppose so, says Sweezus. Why, what's he done?
The wildlife officer bends down to pick up the beak part. He holds it in the palm of his hand. It looks grey, small and pathetic.
The bird lies on the path.
.........
Later, back in the office.
Kong Fu-Zi is alone.
Kong Fu-Zi: I wonder how this works?
(He types gingerly).
The door opens and Sweezus comes in.
Kong Fu-Zi: Hello! Aren't you the ghost writer?
Sweezus: Could be.
Kong Fu-Zi: How very lucky. Perhaps you might help me. I'm writing this article......
Sweezus: Yeah, I would but I'm busy. Hang on a tick. I've left the baby.
He goes back through the door, and returns with Terence in tow.
Kong Fu-Zi: What a fine little family! Hello baby. What have you there?
Terence: What does it look like?
Kong Fu-Zi: It looks like a nail.
Terence: Stupid! It's bendy.
Kong Fu-Zi: A hook then.
Terence: It's a beak!
Sweezus: And it's broken. Tell the man how you broke it.
Terence: I was feeding the birdie a crumbum....
Sweezus: Terence!
Terence: A crumb. And it was greedy, and it went wark-wark-ding! and it's beak fell off and the man said it was my fault, and now the birdie can't eat, so he's going to Heaven.
Kong Fu-Zi: How do you know?
Sweezus: That's what I said.
Terence: I asked him.
Kong Fu-Zi: How is this possible?
Terence (pulling a stiff bird from his gecko shorts pocket): Cause he's here! You can ask him.
Sweezus: Gross! You kept it! You little monkey.
Kong Fu-Zi: Let me see. Ah. It appears to be breathing!
Birdie: Uh.. uh.. uh.. whistle.
Sweezus: Take it away!
Kong Fu-Zi: No, no. Remember the five virtues, the highest of which is compassion.
Birdie: Whistle-eeee!
Terence: Poor birdie: It's because you don't have a top beak. Don't be sad, you'll soon be in Heaven
He places the bird on the floor.
They all look at the bird, with expectation and/or sympathy.
Poor birdie indeed. Half his beak falls on the pavement.
Oops, says Terence. Now I'm in trouble.
A wildlife officer appears, from a leafy corner of the aviary.
What's up? he says. Oi oi, you've damaged our bird!
Sweezus backs towards the revolving door of the aviary.
Stop right there! says the wildlife officer. Are you the responsible adult in charge of this baby?
I suppose so, says Sweezus. Why, what's he done?
The wildlife officer bends down to pick up the beak part. He holds it in the palm of his hand. It looks grey, small and pathetic.
The bird lies on the path.
.........
Later, back in the office.
Kong Fu-Zi is alone.
Kong Fu-Zi: I wonder how this works?
(He types gingerly).
The door opens and Sweezus comes in.
Kong Fu-Zi: Hello! Aren't you the ghost writer?
Sweezus: Could be.
Kong Fu-Zi: How very lucky. Perhaps you might help me. I'm writing this article......
Sweezus: Yeah, I would but I'm busy. Hang on a tick. I've left the baby.
He goes back through the door, and returns with Terence in tow.
Kong Fu-Zi: What a fine little family! Hello baby. What have you there?
Terence: What does it look like?
Kong Fu-Zi: It looks like a nail.
Terence: Stupid! It's bendy.
Kong Fu-Zi: A hook then.
Terence: It's a beak!
Sweezus: And it's broken. Tell the man how you broke it.
Terence: I was feeding the birdie a crumbum....
Sweezus: Terence!
Terence: A crumb. And it was greedy, and it went wark-wark-ding! and it's beak fell off and the man said it was my fault, and now the birdie can't eat, so he's going to Heaven.
Kong Fu-Zi: How do you know?
Sweezus: That's what I said.
Terence: I asked him.
Kong Fu-Zi: How is this possible?
Terence (pulling a stiff bird from his gecko shorts pocket): Cause he's here! You can ask him.
Sweezus: Gross! You kept it! You little monkey.
Kong Fu-Zi: Let me see. Ah. It appears to be breathing!
Birdie: Uh.. uh.. uh.. whistle.
Sweezus: Take it away!
Kong Fu-Zi: No, no. Remember the five virtues, the highest of which is compassion.
Birdie: Whistle-eeee!
Terence: Poor birdie: It's because you don't have a top beak. Don't be sad, you'll soon be in Heaven
He places the bird on the floor.
They all look at the bird, with expectation and/or sympathy.
Life Lessons In Three Takes
David Hume, Katherine (his mother), and Kong Fu-Zi leave the theatre, having just seen a performance of Ibsen In One Take.
What did you think? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Very good, says Katherine. A play and a film all in one. You could compare the two different modes of storytelling.
As long as you could keep up with the subtitles, says David.
You're a smart chap, says his mother. I'm sure you could.
Of course I could, says David.
I didn't need to, says Kong Fu-Zi. But what did you think of the themes? What struck you particularly?
How alone we all are, in the end, says David.
The mother was nice, says Katherine.
David looks up at the twinkling night sky, thinking: Apricot jam.
They keep walking.
Suddenly two children appear on the path in front of them.
Excuse me, says the girl, can you give us two dollars fifty?
For the bus, says the boy.
Katherine rummages in her handbag. Finds a few coins and hands them over. Enough for two bus fares.
The children thank her politely.
This really happens. It's not even part of the story.
.........
Next morning Kong Fu-Zi borrows Schopenhauer's bicycle, to go riding with David.
Here they are now, riding through the park lands.
David: How do you find it?
Kong Fu-Zi ( wobbling) : Very easy. I shall master it in no time.
David: Watch out!
Schopenhauer (appearing from behind a large gum tree): Sorry! Didn't see you there!
David: What are you doing here? Whose is that bicycle?
Schopenhauer: It's Sweezus's bicycle. He lent it to me.
David: How pleasant. We can all ride together
They ride on companionably.
David: What's Sweezus doing today? Don't tell me he's back in the office.
Schopenhauer: No, no. He's taking Terence to a bird sanctuary.
David: But Sweezus hates birds.
Schopenhauer: He hopes something unpleasant will happen. So Terence will learn to hate birds.
Kong Fu-Zi: This does not seem a right way to proceed.
David: No, no, it's fine. It leads straight to the coast.
Kong Fu-Zi: I meant the bird lesson, not the trail.
Schopenhauer: I agree. Sweezus is hopeless at lessons. He'll never teach anyone anything.
Kong Fu-Zi: Perhaps we should help him.
David: Watch your head!
Kong Fu-Zi ( wobbling to a halt) : My hat came off! What happened?
David : It's magpie season. They swoop when they feel their eggs are endangered.
Kong Fu-Zi: Quite understandable. Please wait while I pick up my hat.
......
At the Bird Sanctuary (Cleland):
Terence: I want to feed them!
Sweezus: Here, hold out these breadcrumbs. No, hand flat out, like this.
Terence: Here, birdies!
Sweezus: I'll just stand by the revolving door and watch you.
Terence: Look, it's sitting on my shoulder. Nice birdie..... have some crumbums.
Sweezus: Don't say crumbums. It's rude.
Terence: Crumbums, crumbums, crumbums! Look, this birdie loves me!........Oh-oh!.......Poor little birdie!
What did you think? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Very good, says Katherine. A play and a film all in one. You could compare the two different modes of storytelling.
As long as you could keep up with the subtitles, says David.
You're a smart chap, says his mother. I'm sure you could.
Of course I could, says David.
I didn't need to, says Kong Fu-Zi. But what did you think of the themes? What struck you particularly?
How alone we all are, in the end, says David.
The mother was nice, says Katherine.
David looks up at the twinkling night sky, thinking: Apricot jam.
They keep walking.
Suddenly two children appear on the path in front of them.
Excuse me, says the girl, can you give us two dollars fifty?
For the bus, says the boy.
Katherine rummages in her handbag. Finds a few coins and hands them over. Enough for two bus fares.
The children thank her politely.
This really happens. It's not even part of the story.
.........
Next morning Kong Fu-Zi borrows Schopenhauer's bicycle, to go riding with David.
Here they are now, riding through the park lands.
David: How do you find it?
Kong Fu-Zi ( wobbling) : Very easy. I shall master it in no time.
David: Watch out!
Schopenhauer (appearing from behind a large gum tree): Sorry! Didn't see you there!
David: What are you doing here? Whose is that bicycle?
Schopenhauer: It's Sweezus's bicycle. He lent it to me.
David: How pleasant. We can all ride together
They ride on companionably.
David: What's Sweezus doing today? Don't tell me he's back in the office.
Schopenhauer: No, no. He's taking Terence to a bird sanctuary.
David: But Sweezus hates birds.
Schopenhauer: He hopes something unpleasant will happen. So Terence will learn to hate birds.
Kong Fu-Zi: This does not seem a right way to proceed.
David: No, no, it's fine. It leads straight to the coast.
Kong Fu-Zi: I meant the bird lesson, not the trail.
Schopenhauer: I agree. Sweezus is hopeless at lessons. He'll never teach anyone anything.
Kong Fu-Zi: Perhaps we should help him.
David: Watch your head!
Kong Fu-Zi ( wobbling to a halt) : My hat came off! What happened?
David : It's magpie season. They swoop when they feel their eggs are endangered.
Kong Fu-Zi: Quite understandable. Please wait while I pick up my hat.
......
At the Bird Sanctuary (Cleland):
Terence: I want to feed them!
Sweezus: Here, hold out these breadcrumbs. No, hand flat out, like this.
Terence: Here, birdies!
Sweezus: I'll just stand by the revolving door and watch you.
Terence: Look, it's sitting on my shoulder. Nice birdie..... have some crumbums.
Sweezus: Don't say crumbums. It's rude.
Terence: Crumbums, crumbums, crumbums! Look, this birdie loves me!........Oh-oh!.......Poor little birdie!
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
People Who Kill People Horribly, And Others
How was your weekend? asks David.
Instructive, says Kong Fu-Zi. I believe my oration will be the better for it. Your mother has been very helpful.
Mother is always very helpful, says David.
Thank you David, says Katherine. Here is a present for you. I almost lost it.
David takes the present and shoves it into a drawer.
Any news? says Katherine. We haven't had time to catch up.
Oh, we're going to war again, says David.
Are you? says Kong Fu-Zi. Who with?
Enemies, says David. People who kill people horribly. We are going to drop bombs on them.
This is unlucky, says Kong Fu-Zi. To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.
David and Katherine think about this for a minute. It sounds perfectly reasonable.
Aren't you going to open your present? asks Katherine.
No time, says David. Got work to do. Sweezus has let us down again.
The baby? says Katherine.
Yes the baby, says David. It takes up all his time.
What work does he do? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Washing and cooking, says David. Hair trimming. Nail cutting. Playing with toys.
Kong Fu-Zi didn't mean that, says Katherine. He means, what does Sweezus do in the office?
Pretty much that, says David. No, ha ha! That isn't fair. He goes through lists of philosophers and calls them to ask for an article. If they say no, he ghost writes it.
Is that ethical? says Kong Fu-Zi.
They rarely find out, says David. Have you yourself ever considered.....?
Philosophical article writing? says Kong Fu-Zi. Of course. I would be delighted. I have nothing to do until Thursday......
Do you ride a bicycle? says David, because here's the thing. You must have a bicycle in it.
I have not tried, says Kong Fu-Zi. But I should like to. I am always open to new ideas.
A bicycle is more than an idea, says David. But then again, perhaps Schopenhauer will lend you his. It's a Platonic Ideal. Very easy to ride. Don't tell him I said so.
Very good, says Kong Fu-Zi. I should be pleased if you would arrange it. Meanwhile, would you and Katherine like to be my guests at an Ozasia Festival performance tonight? I have been given three free tickets.
What is it? says Katherine.
Ibsen In One Take, says Kong Fu-Zi. Performed by a Chinese theatre group.
Ibsen! How very extraordinary, says Katherine. We should love to, wouldn't we David.
Yes I suppose so, says David.
See you tonight then, says Katherine. She leaves.
David opens the drawer and takes out his present. He rips off wrapping paper.
He knew it. She always buys apricot jam.
Instructive, says Kong Fu-Zi. I believe my oration will be the better for it. Your mother has been very helpful.
Mother is always very helpful, says David.
Thank you David, says Katherine. Here is a present for you. I almost lost it.
David takes the present and shoves it into a drawer.
Any news? says Katherine. We haven't had time to catch up.
Oh, we're going to war again, says David.
Are you? says Kong Fu-Zi. Who with?
Enemies, says David. People who kill people horribly. We are going to drop bombs on them.
This is unlucky, says Kong Fu-Zi. To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.
David and Katherine think about this for a minute. It sounds perfectly reasonable.
Aren't you going to open your present? asks Katherine.
No time, says David. Got work to do. Sweezus has let us down again.
The baby? says Katherine.
Yes the baby, says David. It takes up all his time.
What work does he do? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Washing and cooking, says David. Hair trimming. Nail cutting. Playing with toys.
Kong Fu-Zi didn't mean that, says Katherine. He means, what does Sweezus do in the office?
Pretty much that, says David. No, ha ha! That isn't fair. He goes through lists of philosophers and calls them to ask for an article. If they say no, he ghost writes it.
Is that ethical? says Kong Fu-Zi.
They rarely find out, says David. Have you yourself ever considered.....?
Philosophical article writing? says Kong Fu-Zi. Of course. I would be delighted. I have nothing to do until Thursday......
Do you ride a bicycle? says David, because here's the thing. You must have a bicycle in it.
I have not tried, says Kong Fu-Zi. But I should like to. I am always open to new ideas.
A bicycle is more than an idea, says David. But then again, perhaps Schopenhauer will lend you his. It's a Platonic Ideal. Very easy to ride. Don't tell him I said so.
Very good, says Kong Fu-Zi. I should be pleased if you would arrange it. Meanwhile, would you and Katherine like to be my guests at an Ozasia Festival performance tonight? I have been given three free tickets.
What is it? says Katherine.
Ibsen In One Take, says Kong Fu-Zi. Performed by a Chinese theatre group.
Ibsen! How very extraordinary, says Katherine. We should love to, wouldn't we David.
Yes I suppose so, says David.
See you tonight then, says Katherine. She leaves.
David opens the drawer and takes out his present. He rips off wrapping paper.
He knew it. She always buys apricot jam.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Don't Give Up And Die
The weekend in Blaxland goes quickly.
In fact it is over already.
Kong Fu-Zi is relieved.
On the plane back to Adelaide, he makes copious notes.
Notes Towards A Contemporary Confucian Philosophy.
( As you see, he now writes horizontal).
What are you writing? asks Katherine. And what's this doodle ? A police van?
Never mind that, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's a drawing of a Lego construction I made with Fish.
Fish loves his Lego, says Katherine. So does his sister. But not the same sort.
I did not see Butterfly's Lego, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Her Lego is more character-driven, says Katherine. She has a cake stall, a pet shop, a beach cafe, an apple tree, a wheelbarrow and a scooter. And three girls with interchangeable hair. Two are sisters, and one is very naughty. She steals things, and likes poisoning cats.
I assume you used the opportunity to impart a lesson to Butterfly, says Kong Fu-Zi. A lesson that stealing and poisoning are wrong actions.
Not exactly, says Katherine. She knew that already. She thought I was wicked.
Kong Fu-Zi writes something down.
Do show me what you're writing, says Katherine. I'd love to know if your views on women have changed.
As a matter of fact, says Kong Fu-Zi, I am no longer sure that my brand of philosophy is relevant. It certainly needs tweaking.
Of course it needs tweaking, says Katherine. Ditch the patriarchal hierarchy, to begin with.
But that is the basis of society and the family, says Kong Fu-Zi. If I get rid of that, what is left?
Self help, says Katherine. It's the go, nowadays. Stress resolution, and finding meaning in one's job. What have you got in that area?
The snack trolley rolls by.
Tea, coffee, snacks? asks the flight attendant.
Two teas, please, says Katherine. Both with milk, and both without sugar.
The flight attendant finds this a difficult set of instructions. No one orders this way. Does it mean one of each, or the opposite, and if so, the opposite of what?
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop, says Kong Fu-Zi.
We have to stop, says the fight attendant, or no one would get any refreshments.
He doesn't refer to the particular, says Katherine. It's a self-help instruction. Knowing that, what do you think?
What is it again? asks the flight attendant, whose name is Vanessa. It doesn't matter......?
..........how slowly you go as long as you don't stop, says Katherine.
Don't stop, says Vanessa. Oh... I get it! That's clever. Like don't give up and DIE!
Several passengers look up from their devices.
Vanessa smiles around reassuringly, and hands Katherine a white tea with no sugar, and Kong Fu-Zi a black tea with two.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Freaking Out Over Identity
At the airport Katherine spots Sweezus, carrying what looks like a baby.
Sweezus! calls Katherine.
Sweezus comes over.
Hi Katherine! says Sweezus. What are you doing here? Who's your friend?
This is Kong Fu-Zi, also known as Confucius, says Katherine.
Dude! says Sweezus. You here for Ozasia?
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. We are just taking leave for the weekend. Is this your son?
It can't be, says Katherine.
It isn't, says Sweezus. It's me. Wake up Terence!
He pokes Terence, who won't wake up.
I heard that you and Arthur were held up in customs, says Katherine. Where is Arthur?
He's still back there, having tea and a donut, says Sweezus. And explaining the parrot. But they let us out, me and Terence.
Let me see him, says Katherine, peering into the face of the baby. What a dear little cherub. And what sweet little trousers. Are they lizards?
Has he hurt his knees? asks Kong Fu-Zi. They appear to be bleeding into those bandages.
Nope, says Sweezus. That's the blood of the parrot. Wake up, kid.
Terence opens one eye. Are we there yet?
Yep, says Sweezus. Excellent job, Terence.
Who are these people? asks Terence.
This man is Confucius, says Sweezus. So pay attention. This is awesome.
You are too kind, says Kong Fu-Zi. I am but a humble philosopher, raised in poverty.
Yeah, but famous, says Sweezus. And the really cool thing is that Terence will remember this meeting.
You sound like a proud father, says Katherine. Are you sure you're not....
No way, says Sweezus. This baby's been freaking me out. He's not growing up right. We have different memories. But this memory'll be exactly the same.....
Your baby is not growing upright? says Kong Fu-Zi. How unlucky
Rubbish, says Katherine, ignoring Confucius' confusion. How can it be identical, when one of you is a baby? And in any case, he's gone back to asleep.
Sheez! Has he? says Sweezus, shaking the baby.
Waah! says Terence. Where's my parrot?
In permanent detention, I hope, says Sweezus. You've got to let go of this habit of trusting in birds. Get me?
No, says Terence. One day you'll like birds.
Like that's going to happen, says Sweezus.
They glare at each other.
We must go to the gate now, says Katherine. We can't miss our flight. Bye bye, Terence. Don't be naughty for Sweezus. Do what he tells you.
She walks off.
Goodbye young man, says Kong Fu-Zi, perhaps we shall meet again when I come back from Sydney.
He walks off.
Guards emerge from a doorway, with sniffer dogs.
A young man with a donut appears at the top of the escalator.
A parrot flies through the airport, dropping feathers and brown and white faeces.
Trust is not really the issue.
Sweezus! calls Katherine.
Sweezus comes over.
Hi Katherine! says Sweezus. What are you doing here? Who's your friend?
This is Kong Fu-Zi, also known as Confucius, says Katherine.
Dude! says Sweezus. You here for Ozasia?
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. We are just taking leave for the weekend. Is this your son?
It can't be, says Katherine.
It isn't, says Sweezus. It's me. Wake up Terence!
He pokes Terence, who won't wake up.
I heard that you and Arthur were held up in customs, says Katherine. Where is Arthur?
He's still back there, having tea and a donut, says Sweezus. And explaining the parrot. But they let us out, me and Terence.
Let me see him, says Katherine, peering into the face of the baby. What a dear little cherub. And what sweet little trousers. Are they lizards?
Has he hurt his knees? asks Kong Fu-Zi. They appear to be bleeding into those bandages.
Nope, says Sweezus. That's the blood of the parrot. Wake up, kid.
Terence opens one eye. Are we there yet?
Yep, says Sweezus. Excellent job, Terence.
Who are these people? asks Terence.
This man is Confucius, says Sweezus. So pay attention. This is awesome.
You are too kind, says Kong Fu-Zi. I am but a humble philosopher, raised in poverty.
Yeah, but famous, says Sweezus. And the really cool thing is that Terence will remember this meeting.
You sound like a proud father, says Katherine. Are you sure you're not....
No way, says Sweezus. This baby's been freaking me out. He's not growing up right. We have different memories. But this memory'll be exactly the same.....
Your baby is not growing upright? says Kong Fu-Zi. How unlucky
Rubbish, says Katherine, ignoring Confucius' confusion. How can it be identical, when one of you is a baby? And in any case, he's gone back to asleep.
Sheez! Has he? says Sweezus, shaking the baby.
Waah! says Terence. Where's my parrot?
In permanent detention, I hope, says Sweezus. You've got to let go of this habit of trusting in birds. Get me?
No, says Terence. One day you'll like birds.
Like that's going to happen, says Sweezus.
They glare at each other.
We must go to the gate now, says Katherine. We can't miss our flight. Bye bye, Terence. Don't be naughty for Sweezus. Do what he tells you.
She walks off.
Goodbye young man, says Kong Fu-Zi, perhaps we shall meet again when I come back from Sydney.
He walks off.
Guards emerge from a doorway, with sniffer dogs.
A young man with a donut appears at the top of the escalator.
A parrot flies through the airport, dropping feathers and brown and white faeces.
Trust is not really the issue.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
The Five Relationships
Seriously, says Katherine, where is Arthur? And Sweezus. I thought they'd be here.
Held up in customs, says Vello.
Dear me, says Katherine. Was it sausages? I once had to relinquish some sausages.
No, says David. Not sausages. A baby. And a parrot.
A surrogate baby? says Katherine. They've been in the news lately.
Of course not, says David. It's more complicated than that. This baby is.....
Sweezus himself! says Schopenhauer. Or so he professes.
Impossible nonsense! says Katherine. And who is the parrot?
A stand-in, says Vello. No, don't look so sceptical, Katherine. You've heard of the Paraclete?
That's a pigeon! says Katherine. Isn't it?
I applaud your knowledge of theology, says Vello.
And ornithology, says Schopenhauer. Most people think he's a dove.
May I interrupt for a minute? interrupts Kong Fu-Zi.
Certainly, says David. Is it about Taoist cosmology?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's about the weather. I've just noticed it's terribly windy.
They all look out of the window.
I'm to be a guest at the Moon Lantern Festival this evening, says Kong Fu-Zi.
It was cancelled, says Katherine. And it was last night
How unlucky, says Kong Fu-Zi. But also lucky. I have a free evening. May I invite you all out to dinner?
Why, thank you, says Vello. We'd be delighted. Where shall we go?
I like Mexican, says Kong Fu-Zi.
So do I, says Katherine.
No, we must eat Chinese, says Schopenhauer. Given the occasion.
All right, says Kong Fu-Zi. You eat Chinese.
He likes to think he's an easy-going person.
.........
Later.
Thank you for a lovely dinner, Master Kong, says Katherine.
You are welcome dear lady, says Kong Fu-Zi.
(They are getting along very well now).
.......
Even later, in Katherine's kitchen.
Tell me about the Flawed Diamond, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh you mean Arthur, says Katherine. Well, he's very nice looking. Blue eyes, artistically tousled hair, a talented poet......
And the flaw? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Unreliable, says Katherine. Would you like another slice of Moon cake?
Who could resist such an offer? says Kong Fu-Zi. And shall I pour some more tea?
Thank you, Fu-Zi, says Katherine. May I call you Fu-Zi?
Certainly Katherine, says Fu-Zi. Now tell me about the pebble.
David! says Katherine. Another unreliable! Will he accompany me to Sydney? I don't think so!
Pebble without flaw? says Fu-Zi.
My son is known as Le Bon David, says Katherine. Only by the French though, for reasons best known to themselves....
Katherine and Fu-Zi find themselves laughing.
Perhaps something was added to the tea.
Next thing Fu-Zi is offering to fly with Katherine to Sydney.
Held up in customs, says Vello.
Dear me, says Katherine. Was it sausages? I once had to relinquish some sausages.
No, says David. Not sausages. A baby. And a parrot.
A surrogate baby? says Katherine. They've been in the news lately.
Of course not, says David. It's more complicated than that. This baby is.....
Sweezus himself! says Schopenhauer. Or so he professes.
Impossible nonsense! says Katherine. And who is the parrot?
A stand-in, says Vello. No, don't look so sceptical, Katherine. You've heard of the Paraclete?
That's a pigeon! says Katherine. Isn't it?
I applaud your knowledge of theology, says Vello.
And ornithology, says Schopenhauer. Most people think he's a dove.
May I interrupt for a minute? interrupts Kong Fu-Zi.
Certainly, says David. Is it about Taoist cosmology?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's about the weather. I've just noticed it's terribly windy.
They all look out of the window.
I'm to be a guest at the Moon Lantern Festival this evening, says Kong Fu-Zi.
It was cancelled, says Katherine. And it was last night
How unlucky, says Kong Fu-Zi. But also lucky. I have a free evening. May I invite you all out to dinner?
Why, thank you, says Vello. We'd be delighted. Where shall we go?
I like Mexican, says Kong Fu-Zi.
So do I, says Katherine.
No, we must eat Chinese, says Schopenhauer. Given the occasion.
All right, says Kong Fu-Zi. You eat Chinese.
He likes to think he's an easy-going person.
.........
Later.
Thank you for a lovely dinner, Master Kong, says Katherine.
You are welcome dear lady, says Kong Fu-Zi.
(They are getting along very well now).
.......
Even later, in Katherine's kitchen.
Tell me about the Flawed Diamond, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh you mean Arthur, says Katherine. Well, he's very nice looking. Blue eyes, artistically tousled hair, a talented poet......
And the flaw? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Unreliable, says Katherine. Would you like another slice of Moon cake?
Who could resist such an offer? says Kong Fu-Zi. And shall I pour some more tea?
Thank you, Fu-Zi, says Katherine. May I call you Fu-Zi?
Certainly Katherine, says Fu-Zi. Now tell me about the pebble.
David! says Katherine. Another unreliable! Will he accompany me to Sydney? I don't think so!
Pebble without flaw? says Fu-Zi.
My son is known as Le Bon David, says Katherine. Only by the French though, for reasons best known to themselves....
Katherine and Fu-Zi find themselves laughing.
Perhaps something was added to the tea.
Next thing Fu-Zi is offering to fly with Katherine to Sydney.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Filial Piety and Female Oppression
They sniff the air slightly. No, the hat smells all right.
It was after my time, says Kong Fu-Zi. My hat was never defiled by an emperor's urine. But what do you think of my Analect?
What was the last part? says David. Something about living longer. A popular ambition these days.
'The wise are joyful, the virtuous long lived', says Kong Fu-Zi. I may change it.
Yes, change it, says Ageless. I am long-lived.
That settles it, says Kong Fu-Zi. I will.
Can you do that? asks Vello.
I expect so, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Then I advise you not to take questions, says Vello. There is always a smart-arse in the audience who's read up on the subject.
Not to worry, says Kong Fu-Zi. Things that are done it is needless to talk about, things that are past it is needless to blame.
Is that another of your Analects? asks Schopenhauer. Because I'm detecting a trend here.
Surely not, says Kong Fu-Zi. What is it?
You seem to be speaking of opposites, which turn out to be the same, says Schopenhauer. Viz, the wise and the virtuous. Where is the contrast?
I'll give you a contrast, says Kong Fu-Zi. 'Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without'.
A snort of derision is heard from the doorway. It's Katherine Hume, David's mother.
Mother! says David. What are you doing here?
Looking for a diamond with a flaw, dear, says Katherine. In other words, Arthur. Where is he?
Don't even ask, says David. Will I do? Your pebble without?
Ha ha! laughs Katherine. Not unless you want to come with me to Sydney. And I know you won't. You're a terrible uncle.
Kong Fu-Zi clucks his tongue. It is doubly unworthy to be thought a terrible uncle by your own mother.
Hello, says Katherine. Are you here for Ozasia?
He is, says Vello. This is Kong Fu-Zi, otherwise known as Confucius.
O! says Katherine. Very pleased to meet you, Master Kong. I can't tell you how much I admire the saying, 'Women hold up half the sky'.
That is not my saying, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I know that, says Katherine. It was Chairman Mao. You on the other hand are responsible for centuries of female oppression.
No no, madam, says Kong Fu-Zi. You are quite wrong. The female oppression you speak of is the result of a fatal synthesis of Confucianism with Taoist cosmology. For that you may thank Master Dong.
Female oppression. Master Dong.
Regrettable to report, everyone who isn't Chinese thinks this is funny.
It was after my time, says Kong Fu-Zi. My hat was never defiled by an emperor's urine. But what do you think of my Analect?
What was the last part? says David. Something about living longer. A popular ambition these days.
'The wise are joyful, the virtuous long lived', says Kong Fu-Zi. I may change it.
Yes, change it, says Ageless. I am long-lived.
That settles it, says Kong Fu-Zi. I will.
Can you do that? asks Vello.
I expect so, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Then I advise you not to take questions, says Vello. There is always a smart-arse in the audience who's read up on the subject.
Not to worry, says Kong Fu-Zi. Things that are done it is needless to talk about, things that are past it is needless to blame.
Is that another of your Analects? asks Schopenhauer. Because I'm detecting a trend here.
Surely not, says Kong Fu-Zi. What is it?
You seem to be speaking of opposites, which turn out to be the same, says Schopenhauer. Viz, the wise and the virtuous. Where is the contrast?
I'll give you a contrast, says Kong Fu-Zi. 'Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without'.
A snort of derision is heard from the doorway. It's Katherine Hume, David's mother.
Mother! says David. What are you doing here?
Looking for a diamond with a flaw, dear, says Katherine. In other words, Arthur. Where is he?
Don't even ask, says David. Will I do? Your pebble without?
Ha ha! laughs Katherine. Not unless you want to come with me to Sydney. And I know you won't. You're a terrible uncle.
Kong Fu-Zi clucks his tongue. It is doubly unworthy to be thought a terrible uncle by your own mother.
Hello, says Katherine. Are you here for Ozasia?
He is, says Vello. This is Kong Fu-Zi, otherwise known as Confucius.
O! says Katherine. Very pleased to meet you, Master Kong. I can't tell you how much I admire the saying, 'Women hold up half the sky'.
That is not my saying, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I know that, says Katherine. It was Chairman Mao. You on the other hand are responsible for centuries of female oppression.
No no, madam, says Kong Fu-Zi. You are quite wrong. The female oppression you speak of is the result of a fatal synthesis of Confucianism with Taoist cosmology. For that you may thank Master Dong.
Female oppression. Master Dong.
Regrettable to report, everyone who isn't Chinese thinks this is funny.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Confucius' Hat
The wise find pleasure in water, the virtuous in hills, says David slowly. I take it they are one and the same.
Water and hills? says Vello.
No, of course not. The wise and the virtuous, says David.
Then why make the distinction? asks Schopenhauer.
Perhaps the Great Sage can enlighten us, says Vello.
No, I can't, says Kong Fu-Zi. It was many years ago that I thought it. If I thought it at all.
Ah, says Schopenhauer. It's one of your Analects.
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. And you know how teachings become distorted. Perhaps that's what happened.
Pfff! says Ageless, who is washing up the teacups with Captain Louttit. I know what it means!
He drops a tea cup into the washing up water. Water slops onto the floor.
The wise find pleasure in water, says Ageless.
What about the hills? hisses Captain Louttit.
Hills are problems, says Ageless.
Oh very good, says David. And the virtuous find pleasure in problems.
But the wise don't, says Schopenhauer. Because ..?
They don't have to clean up, says Ageless.
But that's exactly what you're doing, says Vello.
Not the water, says Ageless. I'll leave that to you chaps.
Excellent. That's cleared that up, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Not yet, says Ageless, rudely waving a sponge.
The Great Sage refers to the first part of the Analect, says Schopenhauer. Now we must consider the second: The wise are active, the virtuous tranquil.
Just look at us, says David. We are the perfect example. Actively pursuing enlightenment while tranquilly drinking tea. Thus embodying both wisdom and virtue.
And just look at Ageless and Louttit, says Vello. Actively washing the dishes while tranquilly taking the piss.
Ha ha, laughs the Great Sage. That reminds me of a funny story.
We could do with a funny story, says Vello. What is it?
I'll tell you, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Go on then, says Vello.
Kong Fu-Zi removes his tall hat, places it on the table, and tells his funny story:
My philosophy was not always popular in China during the Han dynasty. It is recorded that the Emperor Liu Bang, when he identified a Confucian by his distinctive hat, would snatch off the hat and piss in it.
He laughs again.
Everyone stares at the hat.
Water and hills? says Vello.
No, of course not. The wise and the virtuous, says David.
Then why make the distinction? asks Schopenhauer.
Perhaps the Great Sage can enlighten us, says Vello.
No, I can't, says Kong Fu-Zi. It was many years ago that I thought it. If I thought it at all.
Ah, says Schopenhauer. It's one of your Analects.
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. And you know how teachings become distorted. Perhaps that's what happened.
Pfff! says Ageless, who is washing up the teacups with Captain Louttit. I know what it means!
He drops a tea cup into the washing up water. Water slops onto the floor.
The wise find pleasure in water, says Ageless.
What about the hills? hisses Captain Louttit.
Hills are problems, says Ageless.
Oh very good, says David. And the virtuous find pleasure in problems.
But the wise don't, says Schopenhauer. Because ..?
They don't have to clean up, says Ageless.
But that's exactly what you're doing, says Vello.
Not the water, says Ageless. I'll leave that to you chaps.
Excellent. That's cleared that up, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Not yet, says Ageless, rudely waving a sponge.
The Great Sage refers to the first part of the Analect, says Schopenhauer. Now we must consider the second: The wise are active, the virtuous tranquil.
Just look at us, says David. We are the perfect example. Actively pursuing enlightenment while tranquilly drinking tea. Thus embodying both wisdom and virtue.
And just look at Ageless and Louttit, says Vello. Actively washing the dishes while tranquilly taking the piss.
Ha ha, laughs the Great Sage. That reminds me of a funny story.
We could do with a funny story, says Vello. What is it?
I'll tell you, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Go on then, says Vello.
Kong Fu-Zi removes his tall hat, places it on the table, and tells his funny story:
My philosophy was not always popular in China during the Han dynasty. It is recorded that the Emperor Liu Bang, when he identified a Confucian by his distinctive hat, would snatch off the hat and piss in it.
He laughs again.
Everyone stares at the hat.
Friday, September 5, 2014
The Wise And The Virtuous
Tea ceremony takes a long time.
Is it ready yet? asks David hopefully.
Kong Fu-Zi looks surprised.
At last the tea is ready.
Now then, says Vello. What's this about horses?
Nothing, says Kong Fu-Zi. The lobsters have confused you, as might be expected. I shall explain in due course.
He sips his tea slowly.
Ahh! says Kong Fi-Zi. Very nice. Now, what do you wish to ask me?
Nothing, says Vello. You came to us for advice.
Sorry, says Kong Fu-Zi. I am not used to seeking advice. However, I have come to seek yours. You are known for moving with the times. I believe you publish an online magazine.
Yes, yes, says Vello. We do move with the times. The first thing I would advise you to do is buy teabags. Much quicker.
Tea bags, says Kong Fu-Zi. Let me write that down.
He writes it down.
T
E
A
B
A
G
S.
Now, says Kong Fu-Zi. You may know that I have been invited to give an oration at your local OzAsia festival.
Vello nods, giving the impression he may well have known it.
However, says Kong Fu-Zi, I have a feeling some of my ideas have become outdated, and I should like to run them past you eminent thinkers, the great Voltaire and the good David Hume.
And the.......and myself, Schopenhauer, obviously, says Schopenhauer, too modest to choose his own adjective.
Is that who you are? says Kong Fu-Zi. My apologies. I took you for an acolyte, when you used some of my titles.
Apology accepted, Extremely Laudable Lord Ni, says Schopenhauer. Throw us an idea.
Kong Fu-Zi adjusts his pointed hat and clears his throat gently.
This is one I've always liked, but about which I am currently uncertain, he says.
Spit it out man, says Vello. We're all philosophers here.
Except for us lobsters, mutters Ageless to Louttit. We might as well wash up the teacups.
Louttit looks sour.
Kong Fu-Zi speaks: The wise find pleasure in water, the virtuous in hills; the wise are active, the virtuous tranquil; the wise are joyful, the virtuous long lived.
There is a long silence, while the philosophers grapple with the complexity of this fine piece of Confucian wisdom.
Is it ready yet? asks David hopefully.
Kong Fu-Zi looks surprised.
At last the tea is ready.
Now then, says Vello. What's this about horses?
Nothing, says Kong Fu-Zi. The lobsters have confused you, as might be expected. I shall explain in due course.
He sips his tea slowly.
Ahh! says Kong Fi-Zi. Very nice. Now, what do you wish to ask me?
Nothing, says Vello. You came to us for advice.
Sorry, says Kong Fu-Zi. I am not used to seeking advice. However, I have come to seek yours. You are known for moving with the times. I believe you publish an online magazine.
Yes, yes, says Vello. We do move with the times. The first thing I would advise you to do is buy teabags. Much quicker.
Tea bags, says Kong Fu-Zi. Let me write that down.
He writes it down.
T
E
A
B
A
G
S.
Now, says Kong Fu-Zi. You may know that I have been invited to give an oration at your local OzAsia festival.
Vello nods, giving the impression he may well have known it.
However, says Kong Fu-Zi, I have a feeling some of my ideas have become outdated, and I should like to run them past you eminent thinkers, the great Voltaire and the good David Hume.
And the.......and myself, Schopenhauer, obviously, says Schopenhauer, too modest to choose his own adjective.
Is that who you are? says Kong Fu-Zi. My apologies. I took you for an acolyte, when you used some of my titles.
Apology accepted, Extremely Laudable Lord Ni, says Schopenhauer. Throw us an idea.
Kong Fu-Zi adjusts his pointed hat and clears his throat gently.
This is one I've always liked, but about which I am currently uncertain, he says.
Spit it out man, says Vello. We're all philosophers here.
Except for us lobsters, mutters Ageless to Louttit. We might as well wash up the teacups.
Louttit looks sour.
Kong Fu-Zi speaks: The wise find pleasure in water, the virtuous in hills; the wise are active, the virtuous tranquil; the wise are joyful, the virtuous long lived.
There is a long silence, while the philosophers grapple with the complexity of this fine piece of Confucian wisdom.
Great Sage, Equal Of Heaven
Two days later, back in Adelaide, at the Velosophy office, the Chinese visitor is chatting with Ageless and Captain Louttit.
The sage is speaking:
Sage: When the stables burnt down, on returning from court, I said Was anyone hurt? I did not ask about the horses.
Ageless: Why not?
Captain Louttit: Perhaps there weren't any horses.
Sage: No, there were horses.
Ageless: Was anyone hurt?
Sage: You are missing the point of the story.
Ageless: What is it?
Sage: This story shows that I value human life over property.
Captain Louttit: But you don't value horses.
Ageless: You think horses are property.
Captain Louttit: This begs the question.....
Ageless: What if the stables had been full of lobsters?
Captain Louttit: Exactly.
Sage: You see. This is why I have come. I need advice on current thinking.
Ageless: A heads-up.
Sage : If that's what it's called.
Squeak!! The door opens and in come Vello, David and Schopenhauer.
Ageless: At last!
Vello: Is this our visitor?
Sage: Forgive me for intruding. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Kong Fu-Zi.
David: Kong Fu-Zi?
Schopenhauer: Great Sage! Departed Teacher ! The Extremely Declarable!
Kong Fu-Zi: I see my reputation precedes me.
Vello: No it doesn't. Not to me anyway.
Kong Fu-Zi: I am known in the West as Confucius.
Vello: My goodness. Very pleased to meet you. May I ask why you have honoured us with a visit?
Ageless: He's lost all his horses in a fire.
Vello: Dear dear. We must discuss it. Is there tea in the offing?
Ageless: No there isn't.
Kong Fu-Zi: Shall I make some tea? I have all the accoutrements.
(he draws a tea pot and four ceramic cups from a fold in his robes)
David : How nice. I'll get some biscuits.
(he goes to the cupboard)
Captain Louttit: We haven't been shopping. We've been too busy holding the fort while you've been on holiday.
Schopenhauer: Horses eh? What happened?
Kong Fu-Zi: I fear I have inadvertently upset these lobsters. The horses, being property, are irrelevant. I believe it is people who matter. Is this wrong?
Schopenhauer: I should think so. There is no doubt that horses have feelings.
Kong Fu-Zi: I don't deny it. To burn would be painful.
David (coming back from the cupboard) : No biscuits.
Kong Fu-Zi: Tea ceremony is not requiring of biscuits.
David: My, my. What then?
Kong Fu-Zi: Hot water and tea leaves.
David: I'm sure we have them.
He looks enquiringly at Ageless, and Captain Louttit.
But the lobsters have taken against the great sage now that they know he values human life over property and refuse to cooperate.
The sage is speaking:
Sage: When the stables burnt down, on returning from court, I said Was anyone hurt? I did not ask about the horses.
Ageless: Why not?
Captain Louttit: Perhaps there weren't any horses.
Sage: No, there were horses.
Ageless: Was anyone hurt?
Sage: You are missing the point of the story.
Ageless: What is it?
Sage: This story shows that I value human life over property.
Captain Louttit: But you don't value horses.
Ageless: You think horses are property.
Captain Louttit: This begs the question.....
Ageless: What if the stables had been full of lobsters?
Captain Louttit: Exactly.
Sage: You see. This is why I have come. I need advice on current thinking.
Ageless: A heads-up.
Sage : If that's what it's called.
Squeak!! The door opens and in come Vello, David and Schopenhauer.
Ageless: At last!
Vello: Is this our visitor?
Sage: Forgive me for intruding. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Kong Fu-Zi.
David: Kong Fu-Zi?
Schopenhauer: Great Sage! Departed Teacher ! The Extremely Declarable!
Kong Fu-Zi: I see my reputation precedes me.
Vello: No it doesn't. Not to me anyway.
Kong Fu-Zi: I am known in the West as Confucius.
Vello: My goodness. Very pleased to meet you. May I ask why you have honoured us with a visit?
Ageless: He's lost all his horses in a fire.
Vello: Dear dear. We must discuss it. Is there tea in the offing?
Ageless: No there isn't.
Kong Fu-Zi: Shall I make some tea? I have all the accoutrements.
(he draws a tea pot and four ceramic cups from a fold in his robes)
David : How nice. I'll get some biscuits.
(he goes to the cupboard)
Captain Louttit: We haven't been shopping. We've been too busy holding the fort while you've been on holiday.
Schopenhauer: Horses eh? What happened?
Kong Fu-Zi: I fear I have inadvertently upset these lobsters. The horses, being property, are irrelevant. I believe it is people who matter. Is this wrong?
Schopenhauer: I should think so. There is no doubt that horses have feelings.
Kong Fu-Zi: I don't deny it. To burn would be painful.
David (coming back from the cupboard) : No biscuits.
Kong Fu-Zi: Tea ceremony is not requiring of biscuits.
David: My, my. What then?
Kong Fu-Zi: Hot water and tea leaves.
David: I'm sure we have them.
He looks enquiringly at Ageless, and Captain Louttit.
But the lobsters have taken against the great sage now that they know he values human life over property and refuse to cooperate.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Last Supper Captured In The Mirror
Enter Arthur, with the bleeding pigeon, and Baby Terence.
Waiter: You can't bring that parrot in here!
Arthur: Don't we still owe you some money?
Waiter: Okay! Asiento!
Arthur sits down. Sweezus moves to the end of the table.
Arthur: It's only a Parrot.
Belle: It's bleeding! Wrap it up in this napkin!
Parrot: Thank you. Some kindness at last.
Baby Terence: Guess what? I've left home for ever. And I've had a hair cut.
Marie: It looks weird at the back.
Baby Terence: Arthur did it! With his knife! Let me see the back.
Marie: You'll need two mirrors.
Baby Terence: There's one! On the wall.
Belle (handing Terence a tiny mirror): Here's another.
Baby Terence( looking in the mirror) : This is the front.
Belle: No, you hold it like this.
Baby Terence: Ha ha! I see my Parrot!
Parrot: I'm bleeding to death here, on behalf of this infant. And I shouldn't be.
Vello: Then why are you?
Schopenhauer: It's a world of suffering for animals...
Parrot: I'm a bird, not an animal.
Schopenhauer: In a general sense though.
George Santayana: Nothing is general but names.
David: I say! That's very good.
George Santayana: Yes, it means.....
Vello: It's the Parrot who needs to explain.....
Baby Terence: I can't see the back!
Sweezus: I can.
Baby Terence: What do we think then?
Sweezus. It'll grow out, man. Hair's freaky like that. Always growing. Look at mine.
(And indeed, his undercut is already in need of attention).
José arrives, with Arthur's bicycle, upon this chaotic farewell scene.
For that's what it is.
Take a look in the mirror, for a framed view of the Last Supper.
The Spanish philosophers, now planning to follow the Vuelta. (Alberto is winning! )
David and Vello, puzzling over the identity of the Chinese sage who awaits them.
Belle and Marie, trying to catch the attention of the bad waiter.
Schopenhauer wishing he had said that thing about names.... nothing is general, how clever.
Arthur devising Plan B to get rid of the Baby.
Sweezus at the end of the table, avoiding the Parrot.
Waiter: You can't bring that parrot in here!
Arthur: Don't we still owe you some money?
Waiter: Okay! Asiento!
Arthur sits down. Sweezus moves to the end of the table.
Arthur: It's only a Parrot.
Belle: It's bleeding! Wrap it up in this napkin!
Parrot: Thank you. Some kindness at last.
Baby Terence: Guess what? I've left home for ever. And I've had a hair cut.
Marie: It looks weird at the back.
Baby Terence: Arthur did it! With his knife! Let me see the back.
Marie: You'll need two mirrors.
Baby Terence: There's one! On the wall.
Belle (handing Terence a tiny mirror): Here's another.
Baby Terence( looking in the mirror) : This is the front.
Belle: No, you hold it like this.
Baby Terence: Ha ha! I see my Parrot!
Parrot: I'm bleeding to death here, on behalf of this infant. And I shouldn't be.
Vello: Then why are you?
Schopenhauer: It's a world of suffering for animals...
Parrot: I'm a bird, not an animal.
Schopenhauer: In a general sense though.
George Santayana: Nothing is general but names.
David: I say! That's very good.
George Santayana: Yes, it means.....
Vello: It's the Parrot who needs to explain.....
Baby Terence: I can't see the back!
Sweezus: I can.
Baby Terence: What do we think then?
Sweezus. It'll grow out, man. Hair's freaky like that. Always growing. Look at mine.
(And indeed, his undercut is already in need of attention).
José arrives, with Arthur's bicycle, upon this chaotic farewell scene.
For that's what it is.
Take a look in the mirror, for a framed view of the Last Supper.
The Spanish philosophers, now planning to follow the Vuelta. (Alberto is winning! )
David and Vello, puzzling over the identity of the Chinese sage who awaits them.
Belle and Marie, trying to catch the attention of the bad waiter.
Schopenhauer wishing he had said that thing about names.... nothing is general, how clever.
Arthur devising Plan B to get rid of the Baby.
Sweezus at the end of the table, avoiding the Parrot.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Bleeding Pigeon ( Or Parrot )
In Bar-Cafe Bicicleta, waiting......
Might as well have another, says Schopenhauer.
Why not, says Vello. Who knows how long they'll be.
José should be back soon, says George Santayana. Unless he gets chatting.
Chatty type is he? says David. I hadn't noticed.
Things on his mind, says George Santayana. War anniversaries.
Haven't we all, says Schopenhauer.
War anniversaries? says Vello.
Don't say you haven't noticed, says George Santayana.
I haven't, says Vello. But now that you mention it, I'll keep my eyes peeled. Have you noticed anything David?
David looks suddenly like a man who has remembered something unpleasant.
Ahem, says David. I meant to tell you, I had a message from Ageless.
What does he want? says Vello.
He's working on an addendum, says David. An addendum to his Marine Philosophy article. He realises it was lacking in bicycles. He's calling it Sailors on Bikes.
Ridiculous! says Vello. Where's my phone?
He makes a call to the office.
Ageless is sleeping. Captain Louttit picks up the phone.
Captain Louttit: Vello! How are you? How's Barcelona?
Vello: Never mind! What's this about Sailors on Bikes?
Captain Louttit: Nothing. We've ditched the idea. Couldn't find any.
Vello: Of course you couldn't. Well, I'm glad to hear it.
Captain Louttit: While you're there.....
Vello: Yes?
Captain Louttit: There's this fellow keeps coming into the office. Chinese chap.
Vello: What does he look like?
Captain Louttit: Chinese.
Vello: Apart from that. What does he want?
Captain Louttit: He looks like an ancient sage, and he wants to meet you. When will you be back?
Vello: Day after tomorrow. We're just finishing up here. It's been very successful. Except for an unfortunate knifing incident in which the Spanish philosophers were injured.
Captain Louttit: By Arthur?
Vello: How did you guess?
Captain Louttit: Will he be coming back with you? Gaius is asking. He wants to do Bush Blitz.
Vello: I can't guarantee it. He's just disappeared with a baby.
Captain Louttit: Good heavens! And you let him? Who's the baby?
Vello: No wait. He's just turned up now with the baby and.....what's this.... looks like a verminous pigeon! And it's bleeding! You'll have to excuse me.
Might as well have another, says Schopenhauer.
Why not, says Vello. Who knows how long they'll be.
José should be back soon, says George Santayana. Unless he gets chatting.
Chatty type is he? says David. I hadn't noticed.
Things on his mind, says George Santayana. War anniversaries.
Haven't we all, says Schopenhauer.
War anniversaries? says Vello.
Don't say you haven't noticed, says George Santayana.
I haven't, says Vello. But now that you mention it, I'll keep my eyes peeled. Have you noticed anything David?
David looks suddenly like a man who has remembered something unpleasant.
Ahem, says David. I meant to tell you, I had a message from Ageless.
What does he want? says Vello.
He's working on an addendum, says David. An addendum to his Marine Philosophy article. He realises it was lacking in bicycles. He's calling it Sailors on Bikes.
Ridiculous! says Vello. Where's my phone?
He makes a call to the office.
Ageless is sleeping. Captain Louttit picks up the phone.
Captain Louttit: Vello! How are you? How's Barcelona?
Vello: Never mind! What's this about Sailors on Bikes?
Captain Louttit: Nothing. We've ditched the idea. Couldn't find any.
Vello: Of course you couldn't. Well, I'm glad to hear it.
Captain Louttit: While you're there.....
Vello: Yes?
Captain Louttit: There's this fellow keeps coming into the office. Chinese chap.
Vello: What does he look like?
Captain Louttit: Chinese.
Vello: Apart from that. What does he want?
Captain Louttit: He looks like an ancient sage, and he wants to meet you. When will you be back?
Vello: Day after tomorrow. We're just finishing up here. It's been very successful. Except for an unfortunate knifing incident in which the Spanish philosophers were injured.
Captain Louttit: By Arthur?
Vello: How did you guess?
Captain Louttit: Will he be coming back with you? Gaius is asking. He wants to do Bush Blitz.
Vello: I can't guarantee it. He's just disappeared with a baby.
Captain Louttit: Good heavens! And you let him? Who's the baby?
Vello: No wait. He's just turned up now with the baby and.....what's this.... looks like a verminous pigeon! And it's bleeding! You'll have to excuse me.
Monday, September 1, 2014
When Did You Stop Liking Birds?
Arthur strides quickly, with Baby Terence in his backpack.
Where are we going? cries Terence.
Arthur doesn't reply. He is not bent on kindness.
He crosses the road to the Sagrada Familia, and stops below the tableau.
The Saint Joseph, the Virgin, the Parrot.
He swings the backpack around and drops it. Ooh! Ow!
I thought I was getting a haircut, says Baby Terence. This is my palace.
Yes, says Arthur. I've brought you back. Get out of my backpack.
Can't, says Baby Terence.
Arthur yanks him out. Sets him down on the pavement.
The Parrot flies down.
(it's really a pigeon)
Back are we? squawks the Parrot. Come on then.
No, says Baby Terence. I'm not coming. Look at me. See these shorts?
Your dad will go mental, says the Parrot.
Take HIM! says Baby Terence.
Who? says the Parrot.
Him, says Baby Terence, pointing at the backpack.
And who is inside?
Astroboy, the toy version.
Woop! says the Parrot. My favourite cartoon character! All right!
He seizes Astroboy by the sharp plastic tuft.
It's so sharp and shiny, he can't get a grip. Astroboy slips from the beak of the Parrot and lies on the pavement.
The Virgin looks down.
Look dear, says the Virgin. Our baby.
Saint Joseph stiffens. He was quite content with the Parrot.
That's the sort of haircut I wanted, says Baby Terence, not noticing what's happening above him.
You've got the wrong kind of head, says Arthur. Go back to your family.
What if I don't have the haircut? says Baby Terence.
You'll still be a pain, says Arthur. Always demanding attention. Contradicting.
I don't, says Baby Terence. When was I contradicting?
You said Sweezus likes birds, says Arthur. He doesn't.
What? says the Parrot. When you say Sweezus, do you mean the big version? The one who was here earlier?
Yes, says Arthur. Chew on that, pigeon.
Well I'm disappointed, says the Parrot. I feel I can never again act as his stand-in.
He looks up.
Saint Joseph looks down.
Saint Joseph reaches for his shepherd's crook. (Odd, since he isn't a shepherd).
The crook swoops down and scoops up, by the neck, not Baby Terence, not the Parrot.... but Astroboy, the toy version.
Astroboy ascends to the lap of the Virgin, and the family he has always dreamed of.
A silent child, who will never grow older. Saint Joseph is happy. The Virgin is happy.
And Arthur is stuck with the Parrot.
Where are we going? cries Terence.
Arthur doesn't reply. He is not bent on kindness.
He crosses the road to the Sagrada Familia, and stops below the tableau.
The Saint Joseph, the Virgin, the Parrot.
He swings the backpack around and drops it. Ooh! Ow!
I thought I was getting a haircut, says Baby Terence. This is my palace.
Yes, says Arthur. I've brought you back. Get out of my backpack.
Can't, says Baby Terence.
Arthur yanks him out. Sets him down on the pavement.
The Parrot flies down.
(it's really a pigeon)
Back are we? squawks the Parrot. Come on then.
No, says Baby Terence. I'm not coming. Look at me. See these shorts?
Your dad will go mental, says the Parrot.
Take HIM! says Baby Terence.
Who? says the Parrot.
Him, says Baby Terence, pointing at the backpack.
And who is inside?
Astroboy, the toy version.
Woop! says the Parrot. My favourite cartoon character! All right!
He seizes Astroboy by the sharp plastic tuft.
It's so sharp and shiny, he can't get a grip. Astroboy slips from the beak of the Parrot and lies on the pavement.
The Virgin looks down.
Look dear, says the Virgin. Our baby.
Saint Joseph stiffens. He was quite content with the Parrot.
That's the sort of haircut I wanted, says Baby Terence, not noticing what's happening above him.
You've got the wrong kind of head, says Arthur. Go back to your family.
What if I don't have the haircut? says Baby Terence.
You'll still be a pain, says Arthur. Always demanding attention. Contradicting.
I don't, says Baby Terence. When was I contradicting?
You said Sweezus likes birds, says Arthur. He doesn't.
What? says the Parrot. When you say Sweezus, do you mean the big version? The one who was here earlier?
Yes, says Arthur. Chew on that, pigeon.
Well I'm disappointed, says the Parrot. I feel I can never again act as his stand-in.
He looks up.
Saint Joseph looks down.
Saint Joseph reaches for his shepherd's crook. (Odd, since he isn't a shepherd).
The crook swoops down and scoops up, by the neck, not Baby Terence, not the Parrot.... but Astroboy, the toy version.
Astroboy ascends to the lap of the Virgin, and the family he has always dreamed of.
A silent child, who will never grow older. Saint Joseph is happy. The Virgin is happy.
And Arthur is stuck with the Parrot.
Practical Advice To Famous Girls
I don't want to be Terence, says Baby Terence. My name's Baby Jesus.
Every tenth Spaniard is called Jesus, says Ortega y Gasset.
Not BABY Jesus, says Baby Terence.
Terence is famous, says Arthur. Terence was an ancient Roman playwright. A freed African slave.
Did he live in a palace? says Baby Terence. Did he have his own parrot?
After they freed him, and he wrote famous plays, he could have whatever he wanted, says Arthur.
All right, says Baby Terence. The first thing I want is a haircut.
That might be difficult, says Schopenhauer.
Schopenhauer is right. Terence's curls look too fragile
But that's not the reason.
The reason is............they are made of cement.
Yeah, like we can just find you a stonemason, says Sweezus.
Now you've upset him, says Belle.
I'll find you a haircut, says Arthur. Coming?
And pirate knee bandages? says Baby Terence.
Sure, says Arthur. Come on.
He picks up Baby Terence and walks out of Bar-Cafe Bicicleta, before anyone can stop him.
What's got into Arthur? says David. It's not like him to volunteer for a kindness.
Perhaps he's not planning a kindness, says Vello.
Should someone do something? says Belle.
Not I, says Maria Goyri. I have my own children to consider. I really should be going. Ramon will be tearing his hair.
Bye bye, Maria Goyri, says Belle. You were an inspiration.
Yes, you're amazing, says Marie.
Thank you, dears, says Maria Goyri. It was a pleasure to meet the famous girls. Don't forget to get that skirt mended, Belle. Safety pins can pop open. And always be wary of whoever's sitting behind you.
I know! says Belle. It's already popped open. But I didn't think Arthur.....
What did he do? asks Vello.
Belle won't say.
And I have Arthur's bicycle, says Maria Goyri. But I need it to get home on.
Allow me to accompany you home, says José Ortega y Gasset. I shall wheel Arthur's bicycle back here afterwards. Meanwhile George can stay here and go on explaining his version of pragmatism.
Is that a DIG at me, old chap? says George Santayana. And may I ask how you expect to manage two bicycles on your return journey?
Fiddle! says Maria Goyri. He can leave his own bicycle here and get on behind me. It's not as though a respectable philosopher will bite a hole in the back of my skirt.
Vello looks sharply at Belle, who wriggles uncomfortably.
Every tenth Spaniard is called Jesus, says Ortega y Gasset.
Not BABY Jesus, says Baby Terence.
Terence is famous, says Arthur. Terence was an ancient Roman playwright. A freed African slave.
Did he live in a palace? says Baby Terence. Did he have his own parrot?
After they freed him, and he wrote famous plays, he could have whatever he wanted, says Arthur.
All right, says Baby Terence. The first thing I want is a haircut.
That might be difficult, says Schopenhauer.
Schopenhauer is right. Terence's curls look too fragile
But that's not the reason.
The reason is............they are made of cement.
Yeah, like we can just find you a stonemason, says Sweezus.
Now you've upset him, says Belle.
I'll find you a haircut, says Arthur. Coming?
And pirate knee bandages? says Baby Terence.
Sure, says Arthur. Come on.
He picks up Baby Terence and walks out of Bar-Cafe Bicicleta, before anyone can stop him.
What's got into Arthur? says David. It's not like him to volunteer for a kindness.
Perhaps he's not planning a kindness, says Vello.
Should someone do something? says Belle.
Not I, says Maria Goyri. I have my own children to consider. I really should be going. Ramon will be tearing his hair.
Bye bye, Maria Goyri, says Belle. You were an inspiration.
Yes, you're amazing, says Marie.
Thank you, dears, says Maria Goyri. It was a pleasure to meet the famous girls. Don't forget to get that skirt mended, Belle. Safety pins can pop open. And always be wary of whoever's sitting behind you.
I know! says Belle. It's already popped open. But I didn't think Arthur.....
What did he do? asks Vello.
Belle won't say.
And I have Arthur's bicycle, says Maria Goyri. But I need it to get home on.
Allow me to accompany you home, says José Ortega y Gasset. I shall wheel Arthur's bicycle back here afterwards. Meanwhile George can stay here and go on explaining his version of pragmatism.
Is that a DIG at me, old chap? says George Santayana. And may I ask how you expect to manage two bicycles on your return journey?
Fiddle! says Maria Goyri. He can leave his own bicycle here and get on behind me. It's not as though a respectable philosopher will bite a hole in the back of my skirt.
Vello looks sharply at Belle, who wriggles uncomfortably.
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