Nothing An Apple

Gaius opens his mouth.

Captain de Kermadec looks into it, before inserting his dominant claw.

Uth-uth! says Gaius, protesting.

Sorry, says Captain de Kermadec. Nearly finished. Raise your hand if you feel any discomfort.

Gaius raises his hand.

He's doing it! says Terence.

Yes he is, says Katherine. Do take your claw out.

Captain de Kermadec pulls his claw out.

Have a spit, Gaius, says Katherine.

Water! says Gaius.

Captain Bruni opens a bottle of mineral water.

Normal water please, says Gaius. I'm not spitting out mineral water.

Good for you, says Katherine.

Captain Bruni goes to the tap above the tiny sink, and turns it on.

Water streams out. It looks normal.

Spitting done, Gaius awaits Captain de Kermadec's opinion.

Your toot is cracked, says the Captain.

Tooth, says Gaius. What are my options?

Five options, says Captain de Kermadec.

One: bonding; Two: a crown; Three: root canal; Four: extraction; Five: no treatment.

Thank you, says Gaius. But I might first try the erigeron method.

Erigeron method? says Captindn de Kermadec. I don't know that one.

An ancient Roman cure for toothache, says Gaius. A bit of a fiddle, but sometimes it works.

What is it? asks the Captain.

You draw a line around the erigeron with an iron tool, says Gaius, then, you dig it up and touch the sore tooth with it three times, spitting after each touch. Then you replant the erigeron in its original spot, to keep it alive. The tooth should never ache again.

I should be very surprised if that worked, says Captain de Kermadec.

So should I, says Katherine.

Cheap though, says Captain Bruni.

If you can find it, says Arthur.

Very common, says Gaius, Seaside daisy. There are bound to be some growing on Bruny Island. Thank you for your inspection, Captain de Kermadec.

Not at all, says Captain de Kermadec. Would you like a free clean? I saw a bit of plaque there.

Nothing an apple can't deal with, says Gaius.

Show Me That TOOT!

Captain Bruni introduces his friend.

Captain de Kermadec of the Espérance, two berths up.

And you must be Katherine, says Captain Bruni.

I am, says Katherine. Katherine Hume.

I knew a Hume, says Captain de Kermadec.

Probably my son David, says Katherine. He's very popular in Paris.

Ah! The famous empiricist, says Captain de Kermadec. You must be proud.

Hum, says Katherine. Well yes, of course, but it seems to me that philosophy is one thing....

And the other? asks Captain de Kermadec.

Practicality, says Katherine. When I had a squeak in my engine do you think he could discover what it was?

Squeaks in the engine are notoriously hard to pinpoint, says Captain de Kermadec. By the way, is it you who has a cracked tooth?

No, says Katherine. I have excellent teeth.

It's my old acquaintance, Gaius, says Captain Bruni. See, his face is swollen.

I'm not sure it is, says Gaius.

We can all see it is, says Captain de Kermadec. Fear not, I am a dentist. Shortly I shall take a small look in your mouth and give you an opinion, but first, let us get on with the introductions. Who is this fine young person?

This is Terence, says Gaius. He is, purportedly, Spanish.

I am Spanish, says Terence. Ask Arthur.

I only said you were Spanish to prove something to Sweezus, says Arthur.

And this is Arthur, my right hand man, says Gaius.

What? says Terence.

That you weren't going to grow up to be him, says Arthur. Because he's not Spanish.

Then why does he tell me off and everything? asks Terence.

Guilt, says Arthur.

Never mind that, says Katherine. We have forgotten the parrots. This is Jinjing, a genius parrot. And this is the other one.

P. krameri, says P. krameri. And I object to being called the other one.

Sorry dear, says Katherine. I'm sure you will prove to be clever.

He already has, says Gaius. He has gathered this large bunch of leaves, to which lerps are attached. Lerps being the favourite food of the forty spotted pardalote.

Well, now, says Captain Bruni. Will you take a small shot of rum, Captain?

Why not a large one? says Captain de Kermadec.

Why not indeed? says Captain Bruni.

He pours Captain de Kermadec a large one.

Captain de Kermadec downs it fast, like a sailor.

Then he eyes Gaius.

Time to show me that TOOT. Hic!

Tooth, says Gaius. And there's really no need.

But Captain de Kermadec approaches. His eyes out on stalks.

Did I mention that he was a lobster?

It Doesn't Matter What

Go ahead, says Arthur.

Jinjing recites his poem.

(We already know it. Blah blah blah the Ash Blue Mountain.....)

I like the part where you enter the dark region and fumes overpower you, says Arthur.

Thanks. Your opinion means a lot to me, says Jinjing.

It's Baby Bin Penguin, says Terence. The dark region. Did you guess that?

I guessed that, says Arthur.

Katherine and Gaius come down through the hatch, backwards.

Hello Arthur, says Katherine. Is Jinjing entertaining you with his poem?

Poem? says Gaius. Jinjing has made up a poem? He has progessed, since we last met!

He has, says Katherine. He reads, too. And knows all the diphthongs.

I know them too, says Terence. AND I had a poem. Can anyone remember it?

My dog has died, says Arthur. That was a good one.

How did it go? asks Terence.

My dog has died
I buried him in the garden
He's not going anywhere, says Arthur.

That WAS a good one, says Terence.

I'm no poet, says Katherine, but I do like to dabble.

You surprise me, says Gaius. Help yourself to Captain Bruni's rum, by the way.

I will, says Katherine. Is there a clean glass anywhere?

Here, says Gaius getting one down. And I think I'll have another. This tooth is quite bothersome.

Give us your poem, Katherine, says Arthur.

I have a number to choose from, says Katherine. At one time I decided to teach myself French. I kept a book of vocab which I added to, every day for a year. By the end of the year I hadn't learned any of them. So  the following year, I tried using each word in a sentence.

A French sentence, I assume, says Gaius.

Naturally, says Katherine. And it wasn't always easy to think up a sentence. But the sentences make rather nice poems when translated back into English.

Who would have thought? marvels Gaius.

This is one of my favourites, says Katherine:

I feel myself groggy
The nurse changed my bandage
Tell me something, it doesn't matter what.

Ha ha! laughs Terence.

What was that in French? asks Gaius. pouring himself another shot of rum.

Search me, says Katherine. Why don't you ask Arthur?

Dis-moi quelque chose, peu importe quoi, says Arthur.

At least that's how it sounds.

It really doesn't matter what.....

And anyway, here comes Captain Bruni, with his fellow Captain, the dentist, from two berths up.

You Won't Float

Katherine has arrived at the marina, and parked in the visitors' car park.

So many boats in the marina. Which one's the Recherche?

I'll find it! shouts Terence, running towards the nearest pontoon.

Come back! says Katherine. You'll fall in, and you know you won't float.

I'll find it, says Jinjing. You wait here. I'll do a flyover.

Terence comes back. Katherine hands him the red pot containing Dear Zebra.

Try a whiff of sea air, says Katherine.

Yes! says Terence. Breathe, Dear Zebra.

Dear Zebra is trying. Eeh hah eeh hah.

She's breathing, says Terence. Look Dear Zebra, we're at the marina. See the boats?

But seeing the boats is beyond poor Dear Zebra.

Jinjing flies back.

Found it! says Jinjing.

Well done, says Katherine. Are you sure it's the right one?

Gaius is sitting on it, says Jinjing. And so is P. krameri.

Good, says Katherine. Lead on, Jinjing.

......

Terence runs ahead to where Gaius is sitting.

We're here! shouts Terence. And guess what?

Hello, Terence, says Gaius.

My Dear Zebra is breathing, says Terence. She died when I squeezed her. Really slowly. But now she's breathing the sea air. Look!

Gaius looks. Terence is on the pontoon. Too far away for him to see a tiny plant breathing.

Come aboard, says Gaius. Use the gangplank. Ah! Hello Katherine. Did you get my message?

Of course I did, says Katherine. Otherwise I'd be at the Gateway. Why is your face swollen?

What? says Gaius. Is it swollen? Must be that tooth I cracked on the nougat.

You should see a dentist, says Katherine. While you're still on the mainland. There may not be a dentist on Bruny Island.

As luck would have it, says Gaius, there's a dentist two berths up.

Go and see him, says Katherine.

He's coming here, says Gaius. The Captain is inviting him now.

And who is the Captain? asks Katherine.

Bruni d' Entrecasteaux, says Gaius. A friend of Ageless.

So the Captain's a lobster? asks Katherine.

He is, says Gaius.

Lucky you warned me, says Katherine. I wonder if the dentist is a lobster?

Gaius had not thought of that.

Terence meanwhile has gone below to find Arthur.

'Ello, says Arthur.

Ello, says Terence. Look what I've got. Hey, what are those?

Luuurps, says Arthur.

Ello, says Jinjing. I've been waiting and waiting to see you.

Yurp? says Arthur.

He pulls himself together. Perhaps he should chew on a lerp?

He pulls a leaf off the branch collected earlier by P. krameri and not yet placed in a sealable container, by Captain Bruni. He chews it, including the lerp.

Welcome, says Arthur, feeling better.

Thank you, says Jinjing. Would you like to hear my poem?

And mine? asks Terence, thinking hard. Something about how Jinjing smells like a fart

But fortunately for everyone, he can't recall it.

A Nautical Dentist

Katherine hears the whoosh of a message.

See what that is, Jinging.

Jinging reads the message from Gaius about the change of plan (but not the half chocolate, which is a surprise).

Lovely, says Katherine. A marina. I do quite like boats.

Me too, says Terence. But Dear Zebra doesn't. She gets sea sick.

She's dead, says Jinging. So she won't get sea sick.

She might get revived, says Terence. And then get sea sick.

We'll soon see, says Katherine.

......

On board the Recherche, Captain Bruni is entertaining his guests with shots of rum, and cautionary tales of overindulgence.

And when we first sighted Cape Leeuwin, there was so much feasting and drinking that our smith died the next day, of apoplexy.

I thought you were short of supplies, says Gaius.

That was later, says Captain Bruni. Would you like another?

Better not, says Gaius. I might go up on deck and keep a lookout for Katherine.

Good idea, says Captain Bruni. I'll go with you. Help yourself to the rum, Arthur.

Arthur was doing that, anyway.

Up on deck, Captain Bruni points out his various neighbours.

That's the Espérance, two berths over, says Captain Bruni. Captain de Kermadec. Come to think of it, what's he doing these days?....some sort of health professional......he might be a dentist.

I'm really not in a hurry to see a dentist, says Gaius. I'll just keep off the nuts and see how I go ....

Of course, says Captain Bruni. But I might just wander over and see if he's there.

Don't let me stop you, says Gaius.

I'll ask him over, if he's about, says Captain Bruni.

He heads down the pontoon.

Gaius listens to the clink of the things that clink in marinas.

P. kameri flies up through the hatch and sits beside him

A comforting sound. says P. kameri.

Indeed, says Gaius. Though, why it should be......

Safe harbour, suggests P. kameri.

They watch the lights come on, one by one.

But comfort and safety aside, they are soon to be joined by Katherine

And Terence, who has unrealistic expectations.

And Jinjing, who loves Arthur a little too much

And perhaps, worst of all, a nautical dentist.

Let It Be A Surprise

P. kameri has returned with a branch, with some leaves on.

What's this for? asks Gaius. A fly whisk?

Lerps, says P. krameri.

And sure enough, there are lerps on the leaves.

Very good, says Gaius. But how will we store them?

You can have this paper bag, says Arthur. But it's got half a chocolate in it.

No, no, says Captain Bruni. I can deal with your lerps. I have plenty of sealable containers in my humble old vessel.

I should like to see your humble old vessel, says Gaius. Where do you keep it?

At the Oyster Cove Marina, says Captain Bruni. It's upmarket, but I get a discount on the mooring rates.

As you should, says Gaius.

Shall we wander over there now? says Captain Bruni.

All right, says Gaius. Arthur, are you coming?

Wouldn't miss it, says Arthur.

.....

The Oyster Cove Marina is lovely. A network of trails lead to it, through varied bushland. Panoramic views of the D'Entrecasteaux Channel towards Bruny Island.

Very nice marina, says Gaius. How many boats does it accommodate?

Two hundred and fifty, says Captain Bruni. Can you guess which one's mine?

Gaius, Arthur and P. krameri scan the marina. They are looking for something quite small.

Arthur cocks his head at a dinghy.

Ha ha! says Captain Bruny. Try again.

There's a beauty, says Gaius, indicating a mahogany sailing yacht, with a spruce mast and teak decking.

That's her, says Captain Bruny. The Recherche. I like to keep her shipshape. She has two main sails, two furling genoas, one spinnaker, a self steering wind vane and a three cylinder motor. Also a gas stove and oven, a toilet, a double bed and two singles. And a six person Viking life raft.

You don't say, says Gaius. Well, it's very kind of you to offer us a night on board.

Not at all, says Captain Bruni. Glad of the company. Welcome aboard.

......

Captain Bruni makes mugs of tea, and pulls out a box of hard biscuits.

Not for me thanks, says Gaius. I've got this cracked tooth.

You should see a dentist, says Captain Bruni.

Later, says Gaius. That reminds me, I must call Katherine.

He calls Katherine.

No answer.

Send her a message, says Arthur.

Of course, says Gaius. A message. He starts typing.

change of plan meet at recherche oyster cove marina not gateway all catching ferry tomorrow

He shows it to Arthur. How's that?

Good, says Arthur. Tell her I've saved her a chocolate.

Half a chocolate, says Gaius. But we'll let that be a surprise.

Unreliable Estimations

The afternoon wears on.

I wonder how far away Katherine is, says Gaius.

Why don't you ring her? says Arthur.

She'll be driving, says Gaius.

Try her, says Arthur.

Gaius tries calling Katherine's number.

Katherine has just passed through Campbell Town

Her phone rings.

Answer that for me, Terence, says Katherine.

What's the question? asks Terence.

Answer her PHONE, says Jinjing.

Where is it? asks Terence.

The phone is still ringing.

In her bag, says Jinjing.

Hurry up, says Katherine. Is it Margaret?

Jinjing finds it. No. It's Gaius.

He taps the green icon, with his beak.

It's me, says Terence. Hello. What's the question?

Hello, Terence, says Gaius. The question is, how far away are you?

Terence looks out of the window.

We're up to some trees.

Is he asking how far away we are? asks Katherine, over her shoulder.

Yes, says Terence.

Tell him we've just passed through Campbell Town, says Katherine.

I hear her, say Gaius. She's making good time.

Yes, says Terence, we're speeding. A policeman's been chasing us.

Terence! says Katherine, slowing down.

Ha ha! laughs Terence. Only joking. It was Victor, and he's not chasing us now.

Katherine stops at the side of the road and takes the phone from Terence.

Hello, Gaius. I've stopped driving. What is it?

Just checking your estimated time of arrival, says Gaius. The last ferry leaves at seven.

Well, I've just lost a few precious minutes, says Katherine. If I'm not there, you go. I'll stay in Kettering overnight and catch the first ferry in the morning.

Good plan, says Gaius. See you whenever.

Looks like it, says Katherine.

She rings off and starts driving again.

Campbell Town, says Gaius.

She won't make it, says Captain Bruni. That's two hours away.

She says she'll stay in Kettering overnight and catch the first ferry in the morning, says Gaius.

Why don't you all do that? says Captain Bruni. You're welcome to squeeze into my humble old vessel.

That's very kind, says Gaius. Isn't it, Arthur?

It won't be big enough, says Arthur.

It will be, says Captain Bruni.

Chocolate On The Scab

This is excellent nougat, says Gaius. Was it expensive?

I got it for nothing, says Arthur.

How so? asks Gaius. It does not appear faulty.

By promising not to give Bruni a chocolate, says Arthur.

Ha ha! laughs Captain Bruni. His nougat whiskers waft in the breeze.

I take it therefore that you possess a chocolate, says Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. But it's broken. Would you like half?

No thanks, says Gaius. You eat it. Unless.... you, P. krameri?

Never, says P. krameri. But if you could ease a nut out of the nougat, I'd eat that.

Gaius eases a nut from his nougat, and gives it to P. krameri.

Thank you, says P. krameri. Now I shall get back to my task.

Yes do, says Gaius.

He turns back to Captain Bruni.

Bruni is watching Arthur, who is eating one half of the chocolate.

Now he is licking his fingers.

Now he is wiping his fingers on his bare knee.

Leaving a faint chocolate smear on a scab, which has not yet dropped off.

Ouch! ejaculates Gaius. My tooth! I think I've cracked it.

The nuts, says Captain Bruni.

Drat, says Gaius. I may need a dentist.

P. krameri returns with a question.

What do spotted pardalotes like eating?

Gaius turns his attention from his cracked tooth to the relevant page in his notebook.

Hmm.....insects, larvae, manna gum.....and they especially like lerps.

Good, says P. krameri. Those are things I like as well. I'll start a collection. Attract them.

He goes off, to start looking.

Enterprising parrot, says Captain Bruni.

Parakeet, says Gaius. Yes he is.

What are lerps? asks Arthur.

Oh you know..... crystallised honey dew, says Gaius.

Mmm, says Captain Bruni.

Excreted by nymphs of jumping plant lice, adds Gaius.

Even more delicious, says Captain Bruni.

A Stomach With Teeth In

P. kameri keeps an eye out for a forty spotted pardalote.

But remains on the ground.

He walks about a bit, looking up into the eucalypt canopy.

He could fly up there.

But then he would miss the conversation.

Captain Bruni is describing his exploration of the Australian coast in 1792.

In effect, says Captain Bruni, I was searching for the lost La Perouse expedition.

Did you find it? asks Gaius.

Sadly, no, says Captain Bruni. We explored every inlet in by canoe. We made many fine charts.

Excellent work, says Gaius. Did you have a good crew?

Yes and no, says Captain Bruni. There was some bad feeling between officers and crew, due in part to the French Revolution, which you've no doubt heard of.

Ah yes, says Gaius. The French Revolution. Very famous. I suppose you missed it, being away.

I never returned, says Captain Bruni. I came down with the scurvy.

But you recovered, says Gaius.

The story goes that I didn't, says Captain Bruni. But scurvy is cured by a good diet.

Arthur's coming! says P. krameri.

Arthur appears with a paper bag in one hand.

Chocolate, says Arthur. And nougat. Anyone want some?

Nougat! says Captain Bruni. I'll have a piece of that.

Bad for the teeth, says Gaius. But I'll try some.

It's sixty percent nuts, says Arthur. And made with organic honey.

Anyone got a knife? asks Gaius.

I'll break it off, says Arthur.

He attempts to snap the nougat.

The nougat stretches, and thins. Arthur hands the first piece to Captain Bruni.

Sure you can eat this? asks Arthur.

If you're asking whether a lobster has teeth, says Captain Bruni, the answer is yes. We have teeth in the first of our stomachs.

This is not news to Gaius, the natural historian, but it is news to Arthur, and P. krameri.

Two stomachs! squawks P. krameri. What for?

The first one is directly behind my eyes, says Captain Bruni. That's the one with the teeth in. The other is where you would expect it.

He opens his mouth and sucks in the nougat.

It disappears into his first stomach to be ground in his gastric mill, and then proceed downwards.

All that remains on the outside of Captain Bruni are two long strands if thin nougat, which look like whiskers.

He doesn't know they are there.

And no one tells him.

Sleep-may-be

You appeared to know the lobster, says the chocolatier.

A friend of a friend, says Arthur. Do you sell broken chocolates?

No, says the chocolatier. We take great care when making our chocolates.

That one looks broken, says Arthur.

Tut! says the chocolatier. The lobster has handled it. Here, you may have it.

Using his tongs, the chocolatier hands Arthur a milk chocolate with violet flowers on top. One violet flower is broken.

Arthur looks at the chocolate.

Not going to eat it? asks the chocolatier.

Not yet, says Arthur. I'll probably give it to the lobster, next time I see him.

Please don't, says the chocolatier. That will only encourage him.

I suppose I don't have to, says Arthur, looking pointedly at a large slab of nougat.

I'll throw in the nougat if you undertake not to give the broken chocolate to your friend, says the chocolatier.

Okay, says Arthur. I promise.

He leaves the Nutpatch, having come off quite well.

.....

Captain Bruni has made his way to the place where he last saw Gaius.

Gaius is not there.

He'll be looking for spotted pardalotes, thinks Captain Bruni. I'll make for the eucalypts.

Once under the eucalypt canopy Captain Bruni makes pardalote bird sounds.

Sleepmaybe sleepmaybe sleepmaybe!

This is the annoying call of the spotted pardelote in the breeding season, and the reason why it is  sometimes called the Headache Bird.

Hark! says Gaius, who is not far away. I think I heard one.

It sounds unconvincing to me, says P. krameri.

Nevertheless we should follow it up, says Gaius moving towards the place where he heard sleep-may-be.

Heo ho, mon ami! says Captain Bruni. That convincing bird call was made by me.

Bruni! says Gaius. I was hoping to see you. We've been delayed a few hours.

Excellent, says Captain Bruni. I shall stay with you. I have just left the Nutpatch, where I bumped into Arthur. He was not pleased to see me. Nor was the chocolatier.

Surely not, says Gaius. You must be well known around here.

People expect me to be a Frenchman, says Captain Bruni. They don't expect a lobster, and yet the Tasmanian coast is awash with lobster sea captains.

I know, says Gaius. You shouldn't need to explain. I recall Captain Louttit had a similar story.

Captain Louttit! says Captain Bruni, with joy. Have you seen him recently?

Not recently says Gaius.

You two sit here, and reminisce, says P. krameri. I'll keep an eye out.

That's nice of P. kameri.

He No Longer Has Scurvy

Katherine is going to join us on Bruny Island, says Gaius.

And Terence? asks Arthur. And the robot drone parrot?

Robot drone parrot? says Gaius.

Jinjing, says P. krameri. He'll be coming.

She's meeting us at the Gateway, says Gaius. What time's the last ferry?

Seven, says Arthur. But she'll be late.

Never mind, says Gaius. All the more time to spend with the Captain.

Or bird spotting, says Arthur, who doesn't fancy spending more time with the Captain.

I like the Captain, and his tales of the old days, says P. krameri.

And his scurvy, says Arthur.

He no longer has scurvy, says Gaius. He's a hardy old salt. And you two have the French language in common.

Sure we do, says Arthur. So, what now?

Wait for Katherine, says Gaius. Not here though. I might do a spot of bird watching.

I'll come with you, says P. krameri.

I'll go and check out the Nutpatch, says Arthur. Want any chocolate?

I wouldn't mind,  says Gaius. Nothing too fancy.

Not for me, thanks, says P. krameri. Parrots shouldn't eat chocolate

Gaius and P krameri head for the bushland, keeping their eyes peeled for forty spotted pardalotes.

Arthur heads off to the Nutpatch, a shop that sells hand made chocolates.

Merde! The Captain is there, perusing the chocolates, and thinking up chocolate type questions.

What's this one? Which is better? Does it have nuts in? How much is it?

The chocolatier is hoping the Captain will leave soon. A lobster in a chocolate shop is not good for business, even if it is Captain Bruni.

Arthur enters.

We meet again, says Captain Bruni.

Buying chocolate? says Arthur.

Not really, says the Captain. Just looking.

The chocolatier raises his eyebrows.

I thought you and Gaius were catching the ferry, says Captain Bruni.

Not until seven, says Arthur. We're held up, waiting for someone. Gaius is bird spotting.

That is good news! says Captain Bruni. I shall go and find him at once. We have more to catch up on.

He leaves, scraping the floor, lobster fashion.

You know Captain Bruni? asks the chocolatier.

No, not really, says Arthur.

Leaving Out The Betrayal

How's it going in the back there? asks Katherine.

Finished, says Terence. Want to see it?

I'm driving, says Katherine. Jinjing can tell me what it looks like.

It looks like a hedgehog, says Jinjing.

As if! scoffs Terence.

It needs words, says Jinjing. Otherwise Baby Bin Penguin will be puzzled.

Okay, says Terence. You think of some words.

Good idea, says Katherine. And I'll write them down for you when we get to Deloraine.

That means we're stopping, says Terence. You said we weren't stopping.

Toilet break, says Katherine. And I ought to phone Gaius. Pinpoint where he is exactly.

Think of some words, says Terence.

All right, says Jinjing.

Dear Baby Bin Penguin This is not a hedgehog. It's a pot plant I tricked Vincent into buying. I said if he bought me a pot plant I'd tell him where to find Jinjing. I was willing to betray my parrot for a pot plant. And look, I've wrecked it already. Love from Terence.

That's the last time you do my words, says Terence.

What would you have said? asks Jinjing.

Dear Baby Bin Penguin, says Terence. I drew this for you. It's Dear Zebra. She's sticky inside. Her ends are going yellow. Do you know any more penguin jokes? Love from Terence.

Those are both good letters, says Katherine. I'll write them both down, and then we'll decide on a final draft. Perhaps leaving out the betrayal.

Why? asks Terence. That was the only good part.

Katherine keeps on driving. How nice it will be, when she's finally on her own. With Terence, it's all about Terence.

She pulls up in Deloraine outside the Mumma Buzz café.

Enters with Terence and Jinjing, leaving Dear Zebra in the car.

Orders a coffee and a jelly slice.

Calls Gaius.

Katherine: Gaius, it's Katherine. Where are you?

Gaius: Still in Kettering. Is everything all right?

Katherine: Yes of course. But I've decided to start my cheese tour on Bruny Island. I'm heading south now. Should be in Kettering by early evening.

Gaius: Wonderful. We could do with an extra pair of eyes.

Katherine: Where shall I meet you?

Gaius: I don't know.......mumble mumble..... ah yes... Arthur suggests The Gateway.

Katherine: Right, I'll message you before I get there.

Gaius: By the way, I've met an old friend of.....

But Katherine has rung off. Her jelly slice has arrived.

Didn't Know She Had Babies

The more Katherine thinks about it, the more she likes it.

An hour back to Devonport, then five hours from Devonport to Kettering.

Across to Bruny Island. Meet up with Gaius. Drop Terence. Visit that good Bruny Cheese shop. Then a slow meander back up the east coast via the other lovely cheese shops, without Terence.

Bliss.

But can she do it today? It's well after lunch time.

This will be a fast trip, says Katherine. Are you up for it?

I need a wash first, says Terence.

Sorry, says Katherine. You'll have to stay sticky.

He'll dry, says Jinjing. Then he'll be stiff as anything.

I don't want to be stiff as anything, says Terence.

Well, keep moving, says Katherine.

I can't, says Terence. Can I undo the safety belt?

No, says Katherine. Surely it's only your fingers.

It's all over, says Terence. Because I wiped them.

Wriggle your fingers and toes, says Katherine. Look, we're passing through Wynyard!

That's where you came from, says Terence, to his pot plant Dear Zebra.

She can't hear you, says Jinjing. She's dying.

You'll have to call her Dead Zebra, says Katherine.

Wah! says Terence. Make her come back alive.

Tip some water on her, says Katherine, handing Terence a bottle through the seat gap.

Okay, says Terence. He opens the bottle. Water comes out.

Yuck, says Terence. I'll never dry out now.

On HER! says Katherine. Not on you.

I'll do it, says Jinjing. But it's hard for a parrot to do it.

Dear Zebra's tips curl up slightly and go yellow. Her splits are all gluey.

Goodbye me, thinks Dear Zebra. Goodbye my babies.

We didn't know she had babies. Tiny growths, under her leaves. They're called pups.

Now we know, it's even sadder.

Passing through Penguin! says Katherine.

Stop! says Terence. I want to say goodbye to Baby Bin Penguin.

No, says Katherine. I told you I wasn't stopping.

This is a rubbish trip! says Terence.

Write him a letter, says Katherine. He'll like it.

How will he get it? asks Terence.

We'll post it from Bruny Island, says Katherine. There should be some paper in the back. And you can use my red pen.

I can't actually write words, says Terence.

You can draw him a picture, says Katherine. Draw Dear Zebra, in her red pot.

Terence starts drawing.

Quiet reigns in the back seat.

Except for the tiny pups, whining.

The Impervious Boy

I hope he's not following us, says Katherine.

Margaret cranes around.

No, he's just turning his vehicle, says Margaret.

Good, says Katherine. We didn't need that.

Did he return your cheese knife? asks Margaret.

No, he didn't, says Katherine. But I bought a new one in the Cheese Shop.

You shouldn't let him get away with it, says Margaret.

He got away with my hat, says Terence.

Not the same thing, says Katherine. It wasn't your hat. Have a look on the back seat for your old one.

Terence looks on the back seat.

A rug. Mintie wrappers. A Japanese novel. Jinjing. Dear Zebra. No hat.

It's on the back shelf, says Jinjing.

Yay! says Terence.

We're nearly at Rocky Cape, says Katherine. Where are you staying?

Sisters Beach, says Margaret. In a guest house.

Should be nice, says Katherine.

I shall be out most of the day, says Margaret. With my hammer. Looking for zircon minerals.

I do hope you're successful, says Katherine. It's almost incredible to think that Tasmania may once have been part of North America. I mean, look where it is nowadays...

Yes, says Margaret, but it was a long time ago. Samples from Rocky Cape have already been matched with samples from Idaho.

Here we are, says Katherine. Sisters Beach. How will you get about, dear?

Shanks pony, says Margaret. If I need to, I'll borrow a bike.

They drive until they locate the guest house. Margaret gets out of the car, unloads her back pack and geology tools.

Don't forget your lovely scarf dear, says Katherine. You'll need it. It's windy.

Thanks Katherine, says Margaret. I'll see you in five days. Enjoy your cheese odyssey.

I will, says Katherine. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Terence.

But Terence is squeezing Dear Zebra's fat leaves, in the back seat, and doesn't look up.

Juice oozes out of the succulent leaves of Dear Zebra.

Dear Zebra can't understand why her spikes are not acting as the usual deterrent.

Her new owner must be an impervious boy.

Right, says Katherine. Back to ... hum... I ought to look at my list of good cheese outlets.

She has the list handy. She looks.

Ashgrove Cheese

Bay of  Fires Cheese Shop.

Pyengana Dairy.

Wicked Cheese Co.

Bruny Island Cheese Co.

Bruny Island. Isn't that where Gaius is seeking the forty spotted panteloop or whatever its name is?

She looks at her google map.

How inconveniently placed are these cheese shops. And Bruny is the furthest away.

I'm STICKY, wails Terence.

He's wrecked his new plant, says Jinjing.

Katherine has a brainwave.

How about we drive straight down to Bruny Island and you stay with Gaius and Arthur while I do my cheese tour?

Jinjing looks hopeful.

Who Knows What They Are?

That scarf suits you, says Victor.

Thank you, says Margaret. What do you think, Terence?

Nothing, says Terence. And we have to go.

Yes, we do, says Margaret. What's that you've got there?

A spiky plant, says Terence. Victor bought it for me.

A Haworthia fasciata, says Margaret, reading the tag. Also known as a Zebra Plant.

Dear Zebra, says Terence, stroking his plant.

You were about to tell me the location of the parrot, says Victor.

It's in the car, says Margaret.

I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM! says Terence. Now you've wrecked it!

In the car? says Victor. I presume you mean Katherine's?

Yes, says Margaret. Jinjing wants to avoid you. But all this is holding us up. Let's get it over with.

Lead on, says Victor.

I'm keeping you, whispers Terence to Dear Zebra.

Dear Zebra thinks: That seems fair.

They walk across to Katherine's car, parked outside The Wonders of Wynyard.

Jinjing is in the car, keeping a lookout.

Victor taps on the window. Jinjing rolls it down.

Come out, says Victor.

Why? asks Jinjing.

Identity check, says Victor.

It's me, says Jinjing. Terence knows me . Margaret knows me. Katherine knows me. You know me. All the people at the Foreshore Market know me.

But not what you are, says Victor.

Who knows what they are? says Jinjing. It's one of THE existential questions.

No obfuscating, says Victor. Can you show me your button?

No, says Jinjing. It's been sewn up. Margaret did it. There are two white cotton dots underneath me to prove it.

Show me, says Victor.

Victor, says Margaret. Have you a clear idea of the purpose of your enquiry?

Of course I do, says Victor.

You don't seem to, says Margaret.

Victor is stung.

Do you want to establish where he was or what he is? continues Margaret. And have you considered what would constitute reasonable proof of either?

Properly completed paperwork, says Victor. And I'm almost there.

Katherine emerges from The Wonders of Wynyard.

Margaret, what a lovely scarf! Terence, I see you managed to wangle a plant. What a sweet one. Is it a Zebra?

It's called Dear Zebra, says Terence. It's spiky.

And such a nice red pot, says Katherine. Well, shall we be going? All right, Victor?

Victor is almost finished, says Margaret.

Yes? says Katherine. What remains to be done?

Victor isn't sure now. He decides on a photo.

They should all be in it, the suspects.

Line up, says Victor. Either side of the window. Jinjing looking out.

Click! It's done. He looks at it quickly.

Yes, he has captured the ladies, and the parrot, but Terence's face is obscured by Dear Zebra.

Too bad.

They have already piled into the car and shot off.

Should he follow them? He knows where they're going.

It Means I Know What I'm Doing

That's a nice scarf, says Margaret. Foreshore Market?

Yes, says Katherine. I nearly bought you one.

But you didn't, says Margaret.

No, I wasn't sure if you'd like one, says Katherine. You're not a scarf person.

I'm not, says Margaret. But Tasmania can be chilly.

True, says Katherine. And these scarves are surprisingly warm.

I might wander down there, says Margaret.

I'll stay here, until Terence comes back, says Katherine.

......

Terence has gone outside with Victor.

Where's the parrot? asks Victor.

At the market, says Terence. On the flower stall. Saying a poem.

You don't say, says Victor. Why would he do that?

Practice, says Terence. Jinjing has a goal.

I don't care about his goals or his poetry, says Victor. I just want to confirm it's the same parrot we locked in a cage on the Spirit of Tasmania.

It is, says Terence. No wait, it isn't.

This is the contradictory story I keep being told, says Victor. Let me advise you, it's wise to cooperate with the police.

Yes, says Terence. That's why I'm taking you to the Market. Come on.

They walk down the road, Terence leading.

They arrive at the Foreshore. Some stall holders are already packing up.

Here, says Terence, stopping at the flower stall. He was here. But he's gone.

Are you talking about that wonderful parrot? asks the stall holder.

That remains to be seen, says Victor.

He left with this boy, and a lady, says the stall holder.

THIS BOY? says Victor.

Yes, says the stall holder. This boy. He is unmistakable.

See, says Terence. That means I know what I'm doing.

So where's the PARROT! shouts Victor.

Now, now, sir, says the stall holder. No need to shout. It's probably with the lady.

Let's go to the plant stall, says Terence.

Whatever for? asks Victor.

If you buy me a plant, I'll remember where he is, says Terence.

Victor is about to say that is not how the police operate.

Then he decides that, in these circumstances, it is.

He goes to the plant stall with Terence.

Which plant would you like?

This one, says Terence, pointing at a spiky one, in a red pot.

Victor buys it.

Now do you remember? asks Victor.

Terence has just opened his mouth to remember, when Margaret appears.

She has bought a new scarf.

It is the most suitable scarf you could think of for a geologist. Earth colours, rock colours, metal colours.

It softens her features.

For a moment, Victor abandons his pursuit of the parrot.

Overly Mindful

I'm going back now, says Katherine. I told Margaret I'd be half an hour.

Me too, says Terence.

I doubt that, says Katherine. But let's go. Jinjing, are you coming?

Is Victor still there? asks Jinging.

Probably, says Katherine. If you like you can wait in the car.

What about my freedom? says Jinjing.

You're being a bit precious, says Katherine. Make up your mind.

Come with us, says Terence. I'll protect you. Anyway, Victor's a neck pain.

You mean a pain in the neck, says Katherine.

Both, says Terence. But he's learning.

Katherine makes her way through the crowded Foreshore Market, with her new scarf and her three paper flowers. Followed by Terence, and Jinjing.

I didn't get anything, says Terence.

You got me, says Jinjing.

I would've liked a plant, says Terence.

But Katherine doesn't go back to the plant stall.

....

In the Wonders of Wynyard café, Margaret looks at her watch.

She is conscious of the gesture.

Neck bent, head forward, sleeve up, quick look.

What are you thinking? asks Victor.

Perhaps I'm overthinking, says Margaret. But how did that look?

What? asks Victor.

When I looked at my watch, says Margaret.

I didn't notice, says Victor. Do it again.

Margaret looks at her watch again, although it's just ten seconds later.

I see, says Victor. Try it again with your head erect. Craning forward inhibits your breathing.

So it does, says Margaret. My breathing.

She sits upright, head erect, lifts her arm to eye level. Again checks the time.

See, says Victor. Your sleeve retracts automatically, when you do it that way.

It feels much better, says Margaret. Is that the way you do it?

No, says Victor. I only came up with it through observing you.

Something wrong with your eyes, Margaret? says Katherine, looming up from behind.

No, says Margaret. Victor and I are practising conscious control of our actions.

Good heavens! says Katherine. Have things gone that far?

It's a form of mindfulness, says Margaret. And we're new to it.

Obviously, says Katherine. You lost Terence. He turned up at the Market. Luckily I found him at a flower stall.

I don't suppose you spotted the parrot, says Victor.

I spotted a parrot, says Katherine. It may not have been him.

It was him! says Terence.

Where is he now? asks Victor. He's the last piece of the puzzle.

Outside, says Terence. I'll show you.

Katherine shrugs.

If that's what you both want.

Victor gets up hastily, bumping his knee on the leg of the table. He follows Terence to the exit.

They both go outside.

Katherine sits down in the chair that's still warm from his bottom.

Too much mindfulness can be disconcerting.

Colourful But Outrageous

Terence arrives at the Foreshore Market.

So many stalls. So many people. Where is Jinjing?

He wanders past produce stalls selling red tomatoes and orange carrots.

And plant stalls selling green herbs and green plants.

A cake stall, selling golden cakes and preserved peaches.

A junk stall, selling junk out of boxes. And books and old toys.

He thinks he sees Katherine, trying on scarves at a scarf stall.

He hears clapping, and a familiar scratchy parrot voice.

Jinjing! He runs over.

Jinjing is perched on a flower stall, among the flowers, reciting the Song of Jinjing.

I rose through adversity
And flew to the Ash Blue Mountain
This is my story.
Once I had a button
Now I am free
Freedom brings responsibility
I travel with an infant.

....and so on, to the end, and more clapping.

Terence has now reached the flower stall and pushed himself forward.

Is this the infant? asks someone in the crowd.

Squawk! says Jinjing, in surprise.

Katherine comes over to see what is causing the clapping and squawking.

She has bought a new green and black scarf.

One of those fine cotton ones, which are wider than might be expected.

Terence, says Katherine. Are you on your own?

No, says Terence.

He's with the parrot, says the person who asked if Terence was the infant.

Yes, says another person. A very responsible parrot. It's inspiring, their story. With a moral that's relevant today.

What lovely flowers, says Katherine, who does not care for the way this is going.

Thanks! All hand made, beams the stall owner.

Really? says Katherine. Don't tell me.......why yes, they're made out of paper!

They are, says the owner.

Pretty flowers, in bright and pastel colours of yellow, pink, orange, red, purple....

Katherine only buys three.

She would have bought five, but she has already bought the scarf, and the paper flowers are outrageously expensive.

You're A Neck Pain

Victor strides through The Wonders of Wynyard, looking for Margaret.

Terence spots him first, and comes running.

Have you got my hat?

No, says Victor. By which I mean, yes, I have a certain hat. And I'd like you to identify it.

Where is it? asks Terence.

Here, says Victor, taking it out of a paper envelope.

Yay! says Terence.

Not so fast, says Victor. Is this the hat that you swapped for Katherine's cheese knife?

Yes! says Terence. Now can I have it?

No, says Victor, returning the hat to the envelope. In due course, Katherine will be getting her cheese knife back and Bernie his hat.

What do I get? asks Terence.

YOU get out of being charged, because Katherine's been cooperative, and you're a minor, says Victor.

I'm telling Margaret, says Terence. That's not fair.

Where is Margaret? asks Victor. I have a message for her from Katherine.

In there, says Terence. She's learning to break her bad habits.

You don't say? says Victor. What bad habits?

All of them, says Terence.

Victor follows Terence.

Margret is sitting on a seat beside a paper sculpture of F M Alexander.

She is repeating a hammering movement, with her right hand.

Hello Margaret, says Victor.

He won't give back my hat, says Terence.

Hello Victor, says Margaret. I've just been talking to a gentleman about the Alexander Technique. I had no idea it could be so helpful.

So I've heard, says Victor. But I've never gone into it.

It's all about constructive conscious control of your movements, says Margaret. Getting rid of bad habits. See this? I've been sitting all wrong. And also I do this when I hammer, but I should make an effort to do it like this. See? Much better. And it helps reduce back pain.

You have back pain? asks Victor.

No, says Margaret. It also helps reduce neck pain, and increases confidence when speaking in public.

F M Alexander was a native of Wynyard, says Victor.

I know, says Margaret. Who would have guessed?

Perhaps I should try it, says Victor. I often have neck pain.

You're a neck pain, says Terence.

Sit down, says Margaret. Or perhaps you should squat.

Then what? asks Victor.

Lunge, says Margaret. There, that looked awkward! Of course I'm no expert.

How interesting, says Victor. Every time I lunge from now on I shall do it consciously.

So will I, says Margaret. Not that I lunge very often. But I'm sure you do.

By the way, Katherine's gone down to the Bloomin' Tulips Foreshore Market, says Victor. She'll be back in half an hour.

Let's get a coffee while we wait, says the new Alexander Technique-conscious Margaret.

That would be nice, says the new Victor.

They head off to the café.

Terence doesn't follow. He makes for the door.

The sounds of the Market drift across from the foreshore. Laughter, spruiking, loudspeaker announcements and..... the squawk of a parrot.

Jinjing!

Terence runs off without asking.

Flipper Coin

I guess Victor will be returning the cheese knife to Katherine, says Jinjing.

Yes, says Baby Bin Penguin.

I don't know what to do, says Jinjing.

Stay with me, says Baby Bin Penguin. They'll come back one day.

Or I could follow Victor at a safe distance, says Jinjing.

You decide, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Jinjing looks as though he is having a hard time deciding.

Do you know how penguins make a decision? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

No, says Jinjing.

Flipper coin, says Baby Bin Penguin.

I haven't got one, says Jinjing.

That was a penguin joke, says Baby Bin Penguin. And you didn't get it.

What? Flip a coin? says Jinjing.

Flipp-ER coin, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Ha ha, laughs Jinjing. That is pretty funny. But where can I get one?

Wait till someone drops one, says Baby Bin Penguin. But that doesn't happen too often these days.

That was dud advice then, says Jinjing. Anyway, I've decided I'm going.

Don't forget me, says Baby Bin Pengiun.

I won't, says Jinjing.

He flies off after Victor, towards Burnie, at a safe distance.

Victor doesn't stop in Burnie. He drives right through, heading for Wynyard.

Jinjing follows.

Victor pulls up in Wynyard. It's busy.

The Bloomin' Tulip Festival is on. It's the day of the Bloomin' Tulips Foreshore Market.

Aha! says Victor. Knowing the ladies, they'll have stopped here.

But Victor does not know the ladies as well as he thinks.

Margaret has no interest in a Foreshore Market.

And Katherine is a reliable person. If she has said she will meet a policeman somewhere other than a Foreshore Market, that is where she will be.

So Victor is fruitlessly checking out the Bloomin' Tulips Foreshore Market.

Jinjing is hovering above, at a safe distance.

People are buying produce, knick knacks, snacks, drinks and bunches of tulips.

It's chaos.

Perhaps they haven't stopped off here, says Victor, to himself. I'll proceed to The Wonders of Wynyard.

It's not far. He decides to walk there.

Katherine is waiting near the entrance.

There you are! says Katherine. You're late. Margret is fuming. Or she was, until she met an interesting person who knows all about the Alexander Technique.

Here's the cheese knife, says Victor. Recognise it?

Yes, says Katherine. It is mine. I recognise it.

Good, says Victor. Sign here please. Now I'll just print out a photo to attach to the report, and we're all done and dusted.

Why do you need a photo? asks Katherine. And what of ? Me or the cheese knife?

The cheese knife, says Victor. And I'll get you to sign on the back.

For heaven's sake Victor, says Katherine. Is there no end to the paperwork?

Nearly there, says Victor. Where's Terence?

With Margaret, says Katherine.

I'll just need him to re-identify the Peruvian hat, says Victor.

Didn't Bernie do that? asks Katherine. I assume it was his. Why didn't you return it?

You don't understand police procedure, says Victor. This is a complicated case, involving three items, and one is still missing. The parrot.

I see, says Katherine. Well, I'm off to to have a look at the Bloomin' Tulips Foreshore Market. You can tell Margaret I'll meet her back here in half an hour.

Victor enters The Wonders of Wynyard, feeling vindicated.

Ladies do like foreshore markets.

Two Prongs

Victor returns to Penguin, with his incomplete paperwork, and the Peruvian hat.

Katherine drives to Wynyard.

Margaret, the front seat passenger. Terence in the back.

Hey! says Terence. He took my hat!

He needs it to identify Bernie, says Katherine.

What if Bernie wants it back? asks Terence.

Then Vincent will have to return it, says Margaret. In exchange for the cheese knife, which he  promised Katherine he would recover.

Eventually, says Katherine. Who knows what that means?

I know, says Terence. It means someone wants to hit you with a carpentry tool but they pretend they're not going to so they can hit you eventually.

I didn't mean that, says Katherine. I meant we don't know how long it will be.

Nor did I, says Terence.

Poor you, says Katherine. You must be jolly glad you fell off the Sagrada Familia.

Except for the parrots, says Terence. I miss them. Hey!

Now what? says Margaret.

Jinjing, says Terence. He won't know where we are.

Victor can tell him, says Katherine.

If he sees him, says Margaret.

By now they have arrived in Wynyard, which is not far from Burnie.

Now to see the Wonders of Wynyard!

......

Victor has arrived in Penguin, and pulled up beside Baby Bin Penguin.

Bernie is waiting.

I'm Victor, says Victor.

Bernie, says Bernie.

They shake hands.

Bernie hands Victor the cheese knife.

This is it, says Bernie. Little fellow came at me with it.

Not sure your story stacks up, says Victor. See the way the knife ends in two prongs that point upwards. That's for spearing cubes of cheese. There's no way a grown man would be afraid of a child with a cheese knife, and surrender his hat.

Okay officer, says Bernie. I'll admit it was a swap. I lied because I panicked when I got a call from a policeman.

Never lie to a policeman, says Victor. Lucky for you I haven't filed my report yet. But the fact remains, this cheese knife belongs to a third party.

Shit! says Bernie. You take it. And I'll have the hat.

Sorry, says Victor. I'll need to keep the hat as evidence. You should get it back eventually.

Great. You've got my phone number, says Bernie.

I have indeed, says Victor. I appreciate your cooperation.

No worries, says Bernie.

Victor drives off with the hat and the cheese knife.

Bernie walks away with nothing, but having learned something useful about the police.

Jinjing, who was lurking overhead on a lamp post, flutters down to Baby Bin Penguin.

Hear that? says Baby. Victor's forgotten all about you.

Good, says Jinjing.

Held Up At Cheese Knife Point

Victor: Hello. Is this Bernie?

Bernie: Yes. Who are you?

Victor: A policeman.

Click.

Victor tries again. After a number of rings, Bernie answers.

Bernie: What's this about? Is it mother?

Victor: No. Not your mother. It's about your Peruvian hat.

Bernie: I no longer have it.

Victor: I know. I have it. That's how I obtained your phone number.

Bernie: Don't tell me it's been involved in a crime?

Victor: Not directly. But did you swap something for it?

Bernie: I may have.

Victor: Was it a cheese knife?

Bernie: There was this little kid. He came at me with a cheese knife. He demanded my hat. I gave it to him and before he ran off, he dropped the cheese knife.

Victor: So you don't claim ownership of the cheese knife?

Bernie: I guess not. Was it stolen?

Victor: It has now been involved in two crimes. But don't worry. You seem to be blameless. Nevertheless I must insist on a meeting, in order to properly identify the cheese knife.

Bernie: Okay. I'm in Penguin. Where are you?

Victor: In Burnie. Twenty minutes away. Let's say I'll meet you in half an hour on the foreshore, next to the baby penguin rubbish receptacle.

Bernie: Cool. I'll be there.

Victor: Good man.

The call ends on this cooperative note.

So, says Katherine, you're going to recover my cheese knife. How lovely.

Victor: Yes, you'll get it back, eventually.

Katherine: I should like it back sooner than eventually.

Margaret: Won't she need to identify it too?

Victor: Yes, of course. Thank you Margaret. I'll pick it up from Penguin and then drive back and meet you here in Burnie.

Margaret: But we shall have left.

Victor: Strictly speaking I could prevent you.

Katherine: Why? What have we done?

Victor: It's Terence. Bernie claims he didn't just swap the hat for the cheese knife. Terence held him up at cheese knife point.

Katherine: Ridiculous. Terence wouldn't be capable.

Terence: Yes I would.

Katherine. But you didn't.

Terence: No I didn't.

Victor: I'll tell you what, ladies. You'll be going through Wynyard. Stop off and visit the Wonders of Wynyard. You'll enjoy it. There's a substantial vintage cars collection, and a paper sculpture of F M Alexander, the inventor of the Alexander Method.

Katherine: How fascinating!

Margaret: (sigh)

Victor: I'll meet you there in an hour. And Margaret, there's also an an exhibition highlighting the unique geology of the area. A twelve million year old volcano, fossil rich sandstone bluffs, basalt headlands.....

Margaret: As if I need to see that.

The Hat Guy

Margaret relays the bad news.

Terence has swapped Katherine's cheese knife for a Peruvian hat.

Never mind, says Katherine. I can always buy another one.

Hold your horses, says Victor. The cheese knife must be sighted, and documented. Otherwise my report will be inadmissible.

I can buy one right here, says Katherine. I saw some lovely cheese knives in the Cheese Shop.

You're missing the point, says Victor. It must be THE cheese knife.

Who will know? asks Katherine.

Yes, who will know? agrees Margaret. I say do it.

I will know, says Victor. And I'm the one signing off on it.

Then you have a dilemma, says Katherine. Terence where is the cheese knife?

In Penguin, says Terence. With the hat guy.

Now we're getting somewhere, says Victor. What did he look like, the hat guy?

He was wearing a hat, says Terence. This one.

That is not at all helpful, says Victor. Think about it. Do you know why?

No, says Terence. It IS helpful.

It isn't, says Margaret. Because the man isn't wearing it now.

Perhaps it has the man's name in it, says Katherine.

I must ask you to remove that hat, says Victor, and show me the inside lining.

Okay, says Terence.

He removes it.

Victor seizes the hat.

Looks at the lining.

There is a phone number, beside the name: Bernie.

Bernie, says Victor. His name is Bernie, and here's his phone number.

Ha ha! laughs Margaret. So Terence's joke was funnier than it seemed at the time.

Good, says Terence. I knew it was funny.

What was it? asks Katherine.

What do you call a cold person in a Peruvian hat? says Margaret.

I don't know, says Katherine.

Bernie, says Margaret. But of course, you had to know Bernie was his real name.

Then how would it be a riddle, Margaret? says Katherine. What do you think, Victor?

But Victor is already on the phone to the receiver of the stolen cheese knife.

Nothing He Likes More Than Paper

Katherine and Victor have finished their lunch.

Victor produces his paperwork.

Let me see, says Katherine. All these boxes! Ah! Witness statement. I'll fill that in.

Please do, says Victor.

Katherine takes out her red pen.

Blue or black pen only, says Victor.

It's red or nothing, says Katherine.

Okay, says Victor.

Katherine starts writing: I, Katherine Hume, am part guardian of a toy parrot which was mistakenly imprisoned below decks on the Spirit of Tasmania. The toy parrot was recovered by me, by means of a cheese knife. There was minimal damage to the cage.

Victor looks over her shoulder.

A good point. What was the damage?

I simply cut through some string, says Katherine.

I'll need to sight the cheese knife, says Victor.

Terence has it, says Katherine. He'll be here soon.

Good, says Victor. What would you like to do in the meantime?

We could do the interactive paper tour, says Katherine.

Excellent, says Victor. There is nothing I like more than paper.

I believe you, says Katherine.

They head to Creative Paper, a part of the Makers Workshop where handmade paper is made.

They are admiring the paper when Margaret appears, with Terence.

Thought I'd find you here, says Margaret. I asked myself: what would a policeman want to look at? Answer: paper. And it seems I was right.

I see you found your hat, Terence, says Katherine.

This isn't that hat, says Terence.

It looks very similar, says Katherine.

It's the reason he went missing in Penguin, says Margaret. He was following the hat.

Because mine was lost, says Terence.

I think you'll find that it wasn't, says Katherine. It'll be in the car.

So I've got two hats! says Terence. For next time I lose one.

Did he buy it? asks Katherine.

No he swapped it, says Margaret.

For Jinjing? asks Katherine. I don't see him.

No, Jinjing is coming later, to avoid seeing Victor, says Margaret.

I don't need to see him, says Victor. Paperwork's all done. Except for an authorised sighting of Katherine cheese knife.

I have bad news then, says Margaret.

Brrr..d Friends

Terence and Jinjing arrive back at Baby Bin Penguin.

Nice hat, says Baby Bin Penguin. How did you....?

In the car. Quickly! says Margaret. Say goodbye to your friend.

Five more minutes, says Terence.

One minute, says Margaret.

Are you going? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

Terence is, says Jinjing. I'm independent.

You may think so, says Margaret, but Victor is in Burnie, no doubt awaiting your appearance.

That's not fair, says Terence.

He'll be waiting for you too, says Margaret. You've swapped Katherine's cheese knife for a hat, without Katherine's permission.

(Clearly Margaret is not a kid person).

That's not what's not fair, says Terence.

Could I get a hat? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

No, says Terence. We've only got one minute.

Half a minute, says Margaret.

Okay, says Baby Bin Penguin. I've got one more joke. What do you call a cold penguin?

What? asks Terence.

A brrr..d, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Does it have to be a penguin? asks Jinjing.

I guess not, says Baby Bin Penguin. You could tell the same joke about a parrot.

What do you call a cold parrot? asks Jinjing.

The same thing, says Terence. What do you call a cold person in a Peruvian hat?

Did the cold person swap it? asks Baby Bin Penguin

Yes, says Terence. But he was allowed to.

He wasn't, says Margaret. Time's up.

But they haven't guessed the answer! says Terence. That's not fair!

We'll work it out, says Baby Bin Penguin, and Jinjing can tell you later.

Jinjing, are you really not coming? asks Terence.

Later, says Jinjing. I'd like to avoid Victor. Where are you going after Burnie?

Wynyard, then Rocky Cape, says Margaret. I'm being dropped there, and Katherine will head off on her cheese tour proper. Without her good cheese knife.

You could say you couldn't find me, says Terence.

Nothing would please me more, says Margaret. But I won't lie. Hop in the car.

Terence clambers in.

Goodbye, Baby Bin Penguin!

Don't forget me, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Margaret revs the engine loudly, and zooms off towards Burnie.

Terence waves through the rear window, at his brrr..d friends.

What was the answer? asks Margaret. A cold person in a Peruvian hat. You can tell me.

Bernie, says Terence.

That's not even funny, says Margaret.

What A Lax Carer

Margaret phones Katherine.

So much for a quick turnaround, says Margaret. Terence is missing.

Oh dear, says Katherine. We shouldn't have left him in Penguin.

Wasn't it your idea? asks Margaret.

Never mind that now, says Kathrine. Shall I send Victor?

No, says Margaret. Jinjing is doing an aerial survey.

All right, says Katherine. Keep us posted. Good luck.

Margaret sits back in the driver's seat and closes her eyes.

Calm down Margaret. Jinjing will be back soon, with Terence. Look at the ocean.

She looks at the ocean. Grey and dour.

She gets out of the vehicle. Breathes deeply.

He's just following a hat, says Baby Bin Penguin. Don't worry.

I won't, says Margaret.

She gets back in the car. A hat. What nonsense. Why would Terence....? A thought strikes her.

Gaius is ultimately the one responsible for Terence.

Well, not ultimately. That would be Sweezus. But what a lax carer is he. Always off surfing.....

She decides to call Gaius.

Gaius answers.

Gaius: Who is it?

Margaret: Me, Margaret. Are you in Tassie?

Gaius: Yes, Arthur and I arrived late this morning in Hobart. I take it you're somewhere near Devonport.

Margaret: Penguin. There's been a problem. Terence is missing. Perhaps you could come.

Gaius: Err, um.....I'm sure he'll turn up. Have you asked  a policeman?

Margaret: Victor is with Katherine in Burnie. But Jinjing is here, searching.

Gaius: Well then. Ah, here comes Arthur with our bikes. We're heading to Bruny Island  via Kettering. Let me know as soon as you find Terence. Otherwise I shall worry.

Margaret: Oh will you? Well really! Goodbye.

So much for the grown ups.

Let's follow Jinjing.

Jinjing has flown inland, hat-spotting.

There's one! He lands beside it. It's a Peruvian hat, and it's on Terence.

Terence! says Jinjing. Where did the hat come from?

From Peru, says Terence.

But more recently, says Jinjing.

I swapped it, says Terence.

For what? asks Jinjing. I am wary of swaps since I was swapped for Mouldy.

A cheese knife. says Terence.

It wasn't your cheese knife, says Jinjing.

It still isn't, says Terence.

No one can argue with that.

Don't You Not Know?

Jinjing is only too happy for Vincent to make a hard copy.

He recites his poem again. Vincent records it.

These are all evidence, says Vincent, marking out certain lines.

Evidence of what? asks Katherine?

Of what sort of bird he really is, says Victor. See here? Feathers. And yet, he does not display feathers.

He doesn't claim to have feathers, says Katherine. He is asked where his feathers are, by the children.

A reasonable question, says Margaret. Well, I suppose we should be leaving.

So soon? asks Victor. I was hoping to buy you ladies lunch at the Makers Workshop café.

Very kind, says Margaret, but fossils wait for no one.

Debatable, says Victor.

If you want to save time, Margaret, why don't you drive back to Penguin and pick up Terence, says Katherine. I'll have lunch with Victor, and we'll see you back here in forty minutes.

Excellent idea, says Margaret.

Do let me buy you a cheese first, says Vincent. Which one do you fancy?

Oh..er... the Endeavour, says Margaret. Thank you, Victor.

She heads off to the car park. Jinjing follows her.

Tch! says Victor. Lost him again.

You really don't need to pursue him, says Katherine. I'll help you complete your report.

They stroll across to the café, and sit at a table.

They order Eggs Benedict, and a Nourish Bowl, and two cups of coffee.

......

Twenty minutes later, Margaret and Jinjing arrive in Penguin.

Margaret pulls up beside Baby Bin Penguin.

Where's Terence?

Drat the boy, says Margaret. Jinjing, go and look for him while I make a phone call.

Okay, says Jinjing.

He flies out of the passenger window, and lands on Baby.

You're back, says Baby Bin Penguin. We thought you didn't like us.

I didn't like your POEMS, says Jinjing. I don't not like YOU.

Don't you not? says Baby Bin Penguin.

That means I do, says Jinjing. A double negative.

Don't you not know everything? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

No, says Jinjing. Where's Terence?

He following a hat, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Which way did the hat go? asks Jinjing (to his credit).

He could have asked any number of time wasting questions.

That way, says Baby Bin Penguin.

You realise that way means nothing, if you don't point, says Jinjing. Left or right? Or inland?

Inland, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Jinjing flies off. How many hats can there be in Penguin?

Perhaps he should have asked that.

And what did the hat look like?

The Dark Region

While Katherine and Margaret try Ash Blues of varying robustness, Jinjing composes a poem.

Victor watches him, while listening to the ladies assessing the cheese.

Katherine: This Discovery Ash Blue is nice.

Margaret: Too mild, in my opinion.

Victor: Try the Endeavour.

Margaret (trying it): Phoo!

Katherine: That knocked her socks off!

Victor: It's the most robust of the Ash Blues. Try the Roaring Forties, it's milder. Have a fig, or some pecans and raisins to go with it.

Katherine (chewing): This is nice too.

Victor: Pardon?

Katherine: I said this is nice too.

Victor: Oh yes, sorry. I was watching Jinjing. He looks preoccupied. Do you think he's planning to escape?

Katherine: No. He's probably composing a poem. Jinjing!

Jinjing: Yes?

Katherine: How's it going?

Jinjing: Finished. Shall I run it by you?

Katherine: Please do.

Jinjing (clearing his nasal cavity): Ahem!

The Song Of Jinjing

I rose through adversity

And flew to the Ash Blue Mountain

This is my story.

Once, I had a button.

Now I am free.

Freedom brings responsibility.

I travel with an infant

If I am asked for a favour I do it.

The infant has a friend

A bin penguin

With the wrong bottle inside.

I enter the dark region.

Seeking the wrong bottle.

Fumes overpower me.

I drop it.

I fly to the ocean to cleanse myself.

Children are laughing.

Where are your feathers

Strange bird?

I tell them my story.

Where is the wrong bottle?

Ask the children.

Still in the penguin, I say.

You tried, say the children.

Use a hook next time.

Thank you, I reply.

How do I smell now?

Like wet fur, say the children.

Goodbye.

Wonderful, says Katherine. What a talent!

Not bad, says Margaret.

Explains a lot, says Victor. I'll need a hard copy.

Write Your Own Next To Cheese

Margaret and Katherine have arrived in Burnie and made their way to The Makers Workshop.

A Workshop of which The Cheese Shop is part.

Victor is there, already, waiting.

Welcome ladies! says Victor. But where is young Terence?

We left him in Penguin, says Katherine. We're picking him up in an hour.

Or less, says Margaret.

A minor! says Victor. You left a minor on his own in Penguin?

He's not on his own, says Katherine. And he's hardly a minor.

Not on his own? Is he with the parrot? asks Victor. If so, I'll need to sight the parrot and fill in a form.

He's with the Bin Penguins, says Katherine. Actually, just the Baby. The parents are being refurbished.

Very nice, says Victor. But what about the parrot?

What about the cheese? asks Margaret. We need to get a move on.

Victor takes out his notepad and makes a quick note.

Possible parrot in Penguin.

He turns his attention to cheese.

Mersey Valley, South Cape, Tasmanian Heritage, King Island Ash Blue.....

Just like being in Woolworths, says Margaret. Except for the limited range.

Margaret! says Katherine. Don't be such a spoil sport. These are famous Tasmanian cheeses.

They certainly are, says Victor. May I recommend the King Island Ash Blue?

The ladies agree to try it.

They are just nibbling a sample and saying: How delicious, when Jinjing flies into the Cheese Shop and lands on the cheese plate.

Hah! says Victor.

Jinjing! What are you doing here? asks Katherine. Has anything happened to Terence?

Yes, says Jinjing. He has been deserted by me. And for a good reason. He made a scurrilous poem about me, trashing my reputation.

Do you wish to file a complaint? asks Victor. It could complicate things further.

Let's hear the poem first, says Katherine.

Jinjing recites it rapidly, leaving out any poetic intonation.

Jinjing my parrot/ won't get stolen/ he is too smart/ no one would want him/ he smells like a fart.

Really! says Margaret. That's dreadful. No wonder you flew.

It's not all bad, says Katherine. Too smart to get stolen. That's a compliment.

But if he doesn't smell like a fart, says Victor, it's defamation.

I don't, says Jinging. But I did at the time. I got stinky in Baby Bin Penguin, trying to get a bottle out, and had to wash myself clean in the sea.

May I make a suggestion? says Katherine. Write your own poem.

Jinjing sits down on the cheese plate, next to an uneaten chunk of Ash Blue.

Write his own poem.

Why did he not think of that?

Too Smart To Get Stolen

Can you do me a favour? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

What? asks Terence.

Reach in and get that plastic bottle, says Baby Bin Penguin. It's recyclable. Not meant for me.

I can't reach in, says Terence, trying.

I'll do it, says Jinjing.

Jinjing flies into the open beak of Baby Bin Penguin, and down amongst the rubbish.

Stinky old wrappers, sauce, plastic bags smelling of dog poo.

He grips the rim of the plastic drink bottle.

Urgh!

He must get out of Baby Bin Penguin, as soon as possible.

Oh no! He can't!

Baby Bin Penguin's mouth is not big enough to accommodate the egress of a parrot with a plastic drink bottle.

It's one or the other.

What's taking so long? shouts Terence.

Prob....! shouts Jinging, dropping the bottle to answer.

Prob, says Terence. What does that mean?

He can't get out, says Baby Bin Penguin.

I can, says Jinjing, poking his head through Baby's mouth. But not with the bottle.

Never mind, says Baby Bin Penguin. The council will sort it.

Now you tell me, says Jinjing.

He flies out, and lands on Terence's shoulder.

You stink! says Terence.

I'll go down to the sea and wash, says Jinjing.

He flies over the road and down to the water, where he is spotted by several children.

Maybe you should go with him, says Baby Bin Penguin. He might get stolen.

He'll be okay, says Terence. Let's tell more jokes.

No, says Baby Bin Penguin. Let's make up poems.

Okay, says Terence. I'll go first. This on'e about Jinjing, my parrot.

Jinjing my parrot
Won't get stolen
He is too smart
And no one would want him
He smells like a  fart.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Bin Penguin. Now me.

Jinjing your parrot
Flies down to the sea
Because he got stinky
Being in me.

Ha ha! laughs Terence.

Jinjing flies back, landing on Baby Bin Penguin. He shakes off the water drops.

What's so funny?

They tell him their poems.

Bin Out Bin In

Two hours isn't long, says Baby Bin Penguin.

How long is it? asks Terence.

Is this going to be a joke? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

No, says Terence. But what if I don't know? Then we could have longer.

Katherine said be here at two o'clock, says Jinjing. There's no getting round it.

Okay, says Terence. What shall we do?

I can't go anywhere, says Baby Bin Penguin. I'm attached to the pavement. But you guys could go to the beach.

We won't leave you, says Terence. We can see it from here, anyway.

Okay, says Baby Bin Penguin. Let's catch up. What have you been doing?

Getting parrots, says Terence. Losing parrots. Swapping parrots. What have you been doing?

What I always do, says Baby Bin Penguin. Open my mouth. Rubbish comes in. I fill up. My door opens. Bin out. Bin in. Then it starts over.

No wonder you like jokes, says Jinjing.

I have another one, says Baby Bin Penguin. It's a grown up one.

Go, says Terence.

A penguin walks into a bar and says Have you seen my dad? I don't know, says the barman. What does he look like?

That's hard. What's the answer? asks Terence.

That is the answer, says Baby Bin Penguin. I don't get it either. But Daddy Bin thinks it's funny.

I get it, says Jinging. But it's a bit....penguinist.

Uh? says Baby Bin Penguin.

It implies that all penguins look the same, says Jinjing.

That's silly, says Baby Bin Penguin. I'm smaller.

See, says Terence. It WAS hard. And we still don't know the answer.

I wish Dad was here, says Baby Bin Penguin. He'd explain it.

Dad's don't know everything, says Terence. Grandpas do though. Do you have a grandpa?

No, says Baby Bin Penguin. Maybe we could share yours?

Yes, says Terence. His name is Grandpa Marx and he knows all the penguin jokes in the world!

And parrot jokes? asks Jinjing.

Yes and parrot jokes and pebble jokes, says Terence. And things that are not jokes as well.

Like what? asks Baby Bin Penguin.

Like ...

Terence thinks back.

He can't actually remember what not-jokes Grandpa Marx has come up with.

Luckily for Terence, a woman comes by with an empty plastic drink bottle and drops it in Baby Bin Penguin.

So the topic dries up.