Held Up At Cheese Knife Point

Victor: Hello. Is this Bernie?

Bernie: Yes. Who are you?

Victor: A policeman.

Click.

Victor tries again. After a number of rings, Bernie answers.

Bernie: What's this about? Is it mother?

Victor: No. Not your mother. It's about your Peruvian hat.

Bernie: I no longer have it.

Victor: I know. I have it. That's how I obtained your phone number.

Bernie: Don't tell me it's been involved in a crime?

Victor: Not directly. But did you swap something for it?

Bernie: I may have.

Victor: Was it a cheese knife?

Bernie: There was this little kid. He came at me with a cheese knife. He demanded my hat. I gave it to him and before he ran off, he dropped the cheese knife.

Victor: So you don't claim ownership of the cheese knife?

Bernie: I guess not. Was it stolen?

Victor: It has now been involved in two crimes. But don't worry. You seem to be blameless. Nevertheless I must insist on a meeting, in order to properly identify the cheese knife.

Bernie: Okay. I'm in Penguin. Where are you?

Victor: In Burnie. Twenty minutes away. Let's say I'll meet you in half an hour on the foreshore, next to the baby penguin rubbish receptacle.

Bernie: Cool. I'll be there.

Victor: Good man.

The call ends on this cooperative note.

So, says Katherine, you're going to recover my cheese knife. How lovely.

Victor: Yes, you'll get it back, eventually.

Katherine: I should like it back sooner than eventually.

Margaret: Won't she need to identify it too?

Victor: Yes, of course. Thank you Margaret. I'll pick it up from Penguin and then drive back and meet you here in Burnie.

Margaret: But we shall have left.

Victor: Strictly speaking I could prevent you.

Katherine: Why? What have we done?

Victor: It's Terence. Bernie claims he didn't just swap the hat for the cheese knife. Terence held him up at cheese knife point.

Katherine: Ridiculous. Terence wouldn't be capable.

Terence: Yes I would.

Katherine. But you didn't.

Terence: No I didn't.

Victor: I'll tell you what, ladies. You'll be going through Wynyard. Stop off and visit the Wonders of Wynyard. You'll enjoy it. There's a substantial vintage cars collection, and a paper sculpture of F M Alexander, the inventor of the Alexander Method.

Katherine: How fascinating!

Margaret: (sigh)

Victor: I'll meet you there in an hour. And Margaret, there's also an an exhibition highlighting the unique geology of the area. A twelve million year old volcano, fossil rich sandstone bluffs, basalt headlands.....

Margaret: As if I need to see that.