Show Me That TOOT!

Captain Bruni introduces his friend.

Captain de Kermadec of the Espérance, two berths up.

And you must be Katherine, says Captain Bruni.

I am, says Katherine. Katherine Hume.

I knew a Hume, says Captain de Kermadec.

Probably my son David, says Katherine. He's very popular in Paris.

Ah! The famous empiricist, says Captain de Kermadec. You must be proud.

Hum, says Katherine. Well yes, of course, but it seems to me that philosophy is one thing....

And the other? asks Captain de Kermadec.

Practicality, says Katherine. When I had a squeak in my engine do you think he could discover what it was?

Squeaks in the engine are notoriously hard to pinpoint, says Captain de Kermadec. By the way, is it you who has a cracked tooth?

No, says Katherine. I have excellent teeth.

It's my old acquaintance, Gaius, says Captain Bruni. See, his face is swollen.

I'm not sure it is, says Gaius.

We can all see it is, says Captain de Kermadec. Fear not, I am a dentist. Shortly I shall take a small look in your mouth and give you an opinion, but first, let us get on with the introductions. Who is this fine young person?

This is Terence, says Gaius. He is, purportedly, Spanish.

I am Spanish, says Terence. Ask Arthur.

I only said you were Spanish to prove something to Sweezus, says Arthur.

And this is Arthur, my right hand man, says Gaius.

What? says Terence.

That you weren't going to grow up to be him, says Arthur. Because he's not Spanish.

Then why does he tell me off and everything? asks Terence.

Guilt, says Arthur.

Never mind that, says Katherine. We have forgotten the parrots. This is Jinjing, a genius parrot. And this is the other one.

P. krameri, says P. krameri. And I object to being called the other one.

Sorry dear, says Katherine. I'm sure you will prove to be clever.

He already has, says Gaius. He has gathered this large bunch of leaves, to which lerps are attached. Lerps being the favourite food of the forty spotted pardalote.

Well, now, says Captain Bruni. Will you take a small shot of rum, Captain?

Why not a large one? says Captain de Kermadec.

Why not indeed? says Captain Bruni.

He pours Captain de Kermadec a large one.

Captain de Kermadec downs it fast, like a sailor.

Then he eyes Gaius.

Time to show me that TOOT. Hic!

Tooth, says Gaius. And there's really no need.

But Captain de Kermadec approaches. His eyes out on stalks.

Did I mention that he was a lobster?