This is ridiculous, said Gaius, from the back seat of the police car. You have no evidence other than hearsay.
A complaint must be followed by a report, said the policeman. Sorry gentlemen, but that's how it is.
The police car reached the end of the causeway.
Would you mind stopping a moment? said Sweezus. That's my bike over there. I need to make sure it's locked up.
Good one, said the policeman. I let you out and you try to escape.
Sweezus won't try to escape, said Gaius. He volunteered to take the blame.
Did you say Sweezus? asked the policeman.
Yes, said Gaius. That's his name.
THE Sweezus? asked the policeman.
I suppose so, said Gaius. Why don't you ask him?
Are you who I think you are, sir? asked the policeman.
I don't know, said Sweezus. Who do you think I am?
The guy who Tweets the moon, asked the policeman? On Twitter?
Yep, said Sweezus. That's me.
I'm a follower, said the policeman. My name is Victor. Well, I certainly feel I can trust you not to escape Mr Sweezus. You may get out and check on your bike.
Thanks, said Sweezus. You're uber cool, Victor.
Don't mention it, said Victor. Hurry up now.
Sweezus got out of the police car. He walked over to his bike.
Just fancy, said Victor.
Yes, just fancy, said Gaius. I think I had better get myself a Twitter account.
You should, said Victor. You might get famous.
I might indeed, said Gaius. I shall call myself....Pliny
Pliny! said Victor. I think someone already uses that name.
Outrageous! said Gaius.
Hey! said Victor. Where's he gone?
Gaius looked out of the window.
Both Sweezus and his bicycle had vanished!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Mind Your Heads
Sweezus was still on Granite Island when he received Belle et Bonne's text. He wondered whether he ought to take her advice. But then he remembered that he hadn't officially taken the blame for the crime as yet, so there was no need to escape. And anyway, his bicycle was at the other end of the causeway.
He glanced towards the causeway. There was a police car driving slowly over to the island. Two minutes later it drew up beside the kiosk and a policeman got out.
Now you're for it, said Francine. Are you sure you want to take the blame?
I don't mind, said Sweezus. It can't be that much of a crime.
Gaius looked uncomfortable.
I don't see how it can be a crime at all, he said. There was no penguin in the pie.
The policeman came up.
Now then, he said. Someone has accused a member of your party of having in his or her possession a penguin pie. May I look inside that paper bag, sir?
He looked suspiciously at Gaius's paper bag.
Yes, said Gaius, you may. But you will find that it is empty, because I have eaten all the pie.
It was my pie , said Sweezus. He ate it, but the pie belonged to me.
And may I ask what was in the pie? asked the policeman.
Yes, said Sweezus.
There was a pause.
What was in the pie? asked the policeman, patiently.
Sweezus looked at Gaius.
Gaius said it was penguin, answered Sweezus.
Is that true? the policeman asked Camus.
Camus shrugged, then nodded.
I am going to have to take you in for further questioning, the policeman said to Sweezus.
That's cool, said Sweezus.
And you too, sir, said the policeman, looking at Gaius.
That's not cool! said Sweezus. I'm the one to blame.
Sorry sir, said the policeman, but it seems you both have a case to answer. Please get into the back of the police car. Mind your heads.
He glanced towards the causeway. There was a police car driving slowly over to the island. Two minutes later it drew up beside the kiosk and a policeman got out.
Now you're for it, said Francine. Are you sure you want to take the blame?
I don't mind, said Sweezus. It can't be that much of a crime.
Gaius looked uncomfortable.
I don't see how it can be a crime at all, he said. There was no penguin in the pie.
The policeman came up.
Now then, he said. Someone has accused a member of your party of having in his or her possession a penguin pie. May I look inside that paper bag, sir?
He looked suspiciously at Gaius's paper bag.
Yes, said Gaius, you may. But you will find that it is empty, because I have eaten all the pie.
It was my pie , said Sweezus. He ate it, but the pie belonged to me.
And may I ask what was in the pie? asked the policeman.
Yes, said Sweezus.
There was a pause.
What was in the pie? asked the policeman, patiently.
Sweezus looked at Gaius.
Gaius said it was penguin, answered Sweezus.
Is that true? the policeman asked Camus.
Camus shrugged, then nodded.
I am going to have to take you in for further questioning, the policeman said to Sweezus.
That's cool, said Sweezus.
And you too, sir, said the policeman, looking at Gaius.
That's not cool! said Sweezus. I'm the one to blame.
Sorry sir, said the policeman, but it seems you both have a case to answer. Please get into the back of the police car. Mind your heads.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
You Must Escape At Once
Bong Bong Bong Bong!
Belle et Bonne had received a text message.
I wish you'd change that ring tone, said Marie.
It's Big Ben, said Belle et Bonne.
What does he want? asked Marie.
Haha, said Belle et Bonne. It's actually from Sweezus.
She read the message.
Oh no! she said.
What? asked Marie. What does he say?
He says not to worry if we hear he's been arrested for possession of a penguin pie, said Belle et Bonne. And he says that he's a nihilist.
For goodness sake! said Marie. We never should have sent him off to Victor Harbor.
It doesn't sound like Sweezie, said Belle et Bonne. In fact....penguin pie. That has Gaius written all over it.
Yes it does, agreed Marie. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Gaius made the penguin pie and was apprehended, and then Sweezus agreed to take the blame because that fool Camus convinced him nothing really matters.
Except Sweezie doesn't really believe that nothing matters, said Belle et Bonne. Or why would he have sent this text telling us not to worry?
True, said Marie. Well, it doesn't sound as though he's been arrested yet. I think you should text back advising him to escape at once.
Alright, said Belle et Bonne. And she texted: SWEEZIE YOU DARLING SILLY NIHILIST GET ON YOUR BICYCLE YOU MUST ESCAPE AT ONCE
Belle et Bonne had received a text message.
I wish you'd change that ring tone, said Marie.
It's Big Ben, said Belle et Bonne.
What does he want? asked Marie.
Haha, said Belle et Bonne. It's actually from Sweezus.
She read the message.
Oh no! she said.
What? asked Marie. What does he say?
He says not to worry if we hear he's been arrested for possession of a penguin pie, said Belle et Bonne. And he says that he's a nihilist.
For goodness sake! said Marie. We never should have sent him off to Victor Harbor.
It doesn't sound like Sweezie, said Belle et Bonne. In fact....penguin pie. That has Gaius written all over it.
Yes it does, agreed Marie. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Gaius made the penguin pie and was apprehended, and then Sweezus agreed to take the blame because that fool Camus convinced him nothing really matters.
Except Sweezie doesn't really believe that nothing matters, said Belle et Bonne. Or why would he have sent this text telling us not to worry?
True, said Marie. Well, it doesn't sound as though he's been arrested yet. I think you should text back advising him to escape at once.
Alright, said Belle et Bonne. And she texted: SWEEZIE YOU DARLING SILLY NIHILIST GET ON YOUR BICYCLE YOU MUST ESCAPE AT ONCE
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Or Was It The Day Before?
Francine went over to the kiosk.
Are you selling penguin pies? she asked.
Of course not, said the man behind the counter. There aren't enough penguins here as it is. They're protected, you know.
Well my friend is eating one right now, said Francine.
Then I'm calling the police, said the man.
Francine walked back to the table. Gaius had finished his pie.
You've eaten the evidence, said Francine.
What evidence? asked Gaius.
Of your crime, said Francine. Possessing and eating a pie containing a protected species.
It was a joke, said Gaius. Have you no sense of humour?
Some joke, if it was a joke, said Francine. So you were just trying to avoid sharing your pie?
Yes, said Gaius. I was hungry.
You could have said so, said Francine. Now the police are involved.
Good heavens! What shall I do? said Gaius. My reputation will be in tatters.
Don't worry, said Sweezus. I'll take the blame. I don't have a reputation.
But why do it? asked Camus.
I'm exploring nihilism, said Sweezus. What does it matter? Why should I care? Mother died yesterday, or was it the day before? That sort of thing.
Good for you, said Camus.
What's this about your mother? asked Gaius.
Nothing, said Sweezus. Ask Camus.
Are you selling penguin pies? she asked.
Of course not, said the man behind the counter. There aren't enough penguins here as it is. They're protected, you know.
Well my friend is eating one right now, said Francine.
Then I'm calling the police, said the man.
Francine walked back to the table. Gaius had finished his pie.
You've eaten the evidence, said Francine.
What evidence? asked Gaius.
Of your crime, said Francine. Possessing and eating a pie containing a protected species.
It was a joke, said Gaius. Have you no sense of humour?
Some joke, if it was a joke, said Francine. So you were just trying to avoid sharing your pie?
Yes, said Gaius. I was hungry.
You could have said so, said Francine. Now the police are involved.
Good heavens! What shall I do? said Gaius. My reputation will be in tatters.
Don't worry, said Sweezus. I'll take the blame. I don't have a reputation.
But why do it? asked Camus.
I'm exploring nihilism, said Sweezus. What does it matter? Why should I care? Mother died yesterday, or was it the day before? That sort of thing.
Good for you, said Camus.
What's this about your mother? asked Gaius.
Nothing, said Sweezus. Ask Camus.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Penguin Pie
Gaius returned with his pie in a brown paper bag.
Francine and the children came back from the interpretive centre.
Is he boring you with stories about the war? asked Francine.
No he isn't, said Sweezus.
You should've come with us, said Francine. We found out all sorts of interesting things about penguins. Didn't we children?
But the children were eying off Gaius' brown paper bag.
Did you know, for example, that penguins have backwards-pointing spines on their tongues to help them with swallowing their prey? she continued. And they have extra eyelids as well.
How INTERESTING, said Gaius. If you'd stayed here and listened you would have learned that from me.
Oh but there were illustrative panels in the interpretive centre, said Francine. So much more interesting for the children.
I want a pie, said Catherine.
Me too! said Jean.
No children, you've just had some snacks, said Francine. You can't have a whole pie. But I'm sure if you ask Uncle Gaius, he'll give you each a nice big piece of his pie.
Sorry, said Gaius. They won't like this pie.
Yes we will! said Catherine. We will!
No you won't, said Gaius.
Why? asked Catherine.
It's a penguin pie! said Gaius.
Catherine and Jean began to cry, and the grownups looked shocked.
Far out! said Sweezus. No wonder their numbers are down!
Francine and the children came back from the interpretive centre.
Is he boring you with stories about the war? asked Francine.
No he isn't, said Sweezus.
You should've come with us, said Francine. We found out all sorts of interesting things about penguins. Didn't we children?
But the children were eying off Gaius' brown paper bag.
Did you know, for example, that penguins have backwards-pointing spines on their tongues to help them with swallowing their prey? she continued. And they have extra eyelids as well.
How INTERESTING, said Gaius. If you'd stayed here and listened you would have learned that from me.
Oh but there were illustrative panels in the interpretive centre, said Francine. So much more interesting for the children.
I want a pie, said Catherine.
Me too! said Jean.
No children, you've just had some snacks, said Francine. You can't have a whole pie. But I'm sure if you ask Uncle Gaius, he'll give you each a nice big piece of his pie.
Sorry, said Gaius. They won't like this pie.
Yes we will! said Catherine. We will!
No you won't, said Gaius.
Why? asked Catherine.
It's a penguin pie! said Gaius.
Catherine and Jean began to cry, and the grownups looked shocked.
Far out! said Sweezus. No wonder their numbers are down!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Determinism
Gaius listened. Sweezus was sucking up to Camus.
Wow! Sweezus was saying. Wow! You were in the Second World WAR! That's so cool!
Yes, said Camus. It was in occupied France. I edited the underground newspaper Combat. Of course not many people knew it was me until after the war, but then I became quite a hero.
Oh AWESOME! said Sweezus.
I'm going to buy myself a pie, said Gaius. See you later.
See ya, said Sweezus, and turned back to Camus.
It must have been brilliant back then, he said.
It had its moments, said Camus. In fact my article for Velosophy is about one of those moments.
Tell me, said Sweezus.
You might pinch it, said Camus. You haven't done yours.
I promise I won't, said Sweezus. Go on.
Alright, said Camus. True story. We're in hiding with false ID papers. We get news of the Allied advance. We're returning to Paris on three bicycles. Pierre, Janine, Michel and me.
That's not enough bicycles, said Sweezus.
Exactly, said Camus. So we have to take turns donkeying Janine. But they let me off my turn because I have TB.
What's THAT? asked Sweezus. TB?
It's a disease, said Camus.
Is that what you die of? asked Sweezus.
No, said Camus. I die of something else. Anyway, on the way back to Paris we see planes diving and dropping bombs, we see Germans sheltering in the woods. We keep going, stupidly believing the bombs aren't meant for us.
Oh WOW! said Sweezus. But you were right, they weren't meant for you.
But they still could have killed us, said Camus.
If something's meant to kill you, said Sweezus, it does.
I know, said Camus.
Wow! Sweezus was saying. Wow! You were in the Second World WAR! That's so cool!
Yes, said Camus. It was in occupied France. I edited the underground newspaper Combat. Of course not many people knew it was me until after the war, but then I became quite a hero.
Oh AWESOME! said Sweezus.
I'm going to buy myself a pie, said Gaius. See you later.
See ya, said Sweezus, and turned back to Camus.
It must have been brilliant back then, he said.
It had its moments, said Camus. In fact my article for Velosophy is about one of those moments.
Tell me, said Sweezus.
You might pinch it, said Camus. You haven't done yours.
I promise I won't, said Sweezus. Go on.
Alright, said Camus. True story. We're in hiding with false ID papers. We get news of the Allied advance. We're returning to Paris on three bicycles. Pierre, Janine, Michel and me.
That's not enough bicycles, said Sweezus.
Exactly, said Camus. So we have to take turns donkeying Janine. But they let me off my turn because I have TB.
What's THAT? asked Sweezus. TB?
It's a disease, said Camus.
Is that what you die of? asked Sweezus.
No, said Camus. I die of something else. Anyway, on the way back to Paris we see planes diving and dropping bombs, we see Germans sheltering in the woods. We keep going, stupidly believing the bombs aren't meant for us.
Oh WOW! said Sweezus. But you were right, they weren't meant for you.
But they still could have killed us, said Camus.
If something's meant to kill you, said Sweezus, it does.
I know, said Camus.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Gaius Holds Forth
Francine, Gaius and Sweezus met Camus and the children at the bottom of the steps.
Why have you all come back down? asked Camus.
Albert! said Francine. It's a disaster! We humans have driven the penguins away.
I thought Gaius said they'd gone fishing, said Camus.
But there are very few left, said Francine. There are only one hundred and fifty. Most of them have moved to that island over there!
Let's go there! cried the twins.
We don't have a boat, said Francine. And besides, it wouldn't be right to harass them. Let's go to the kiosk and have something to eat.
Yay! said Catherine.
Yay! said Jean.
Yay, muttered Gaius, under his breath.
Gaius can tell us more about penguins, said Francine. He knows so much about them.
They ordered coffee, juices and snacks, and sat at a table in the sun, sheltered from the wind.
Adult penguins, said Gaius, have about ten thousand feathers, a density three to four times greater than that found in most other birds. They have hooked beaks with sharp edges and stiff backward pointing spines on their tongues to aid them in swallowing their prey. They have an extra set of eyelids to protect their eyes from water while swimming and to act as a windscreen wiper to get rid of sand....
He stopped talking, and looked around expecting a sea of interested faces.
Bur Francine had gone off with the children to look at the interpretive centre. Sweezus and Camus were talking about Camus' underground wartime experiences.
His coffee was cold, and the children had snaffled his snacks.
Why have you all come back down? asked Camus.
Albert! said Francine. It's a disaster! We humans have driven the penguins away.
I thought Gaius said they'd gone fishing, said Camus.
But there are very few left, said Francine. There are only one hundred and fifty. Most of them have moved to that island over there!
Let's go there! cried the twins.
We don't have a boat, said Francine. And besides, it wouldn't be right to harass them. Let's go to the kiosk and have something to eat.
Yay! said Catherine.
Yay! said Jean.
Yay, muttered Gaius, under his breath.
Gaius can tell us more about penguins, said Francine. He knows so much about them.
They ordered coffee, juices and snacks, and sat at a table in the sun, sheltered from the wind.
Adult penguins, said Gaius, have about ten thousand feathers, a density three to four times greater than that found in most other birds. They have hooked beaks with sharp edges and stiff backward pointing spines on their tongues to aid them in swallowing their prey. They have an extra set of eyelids to protect their eyes from water while swimming and to act as a windscreen wiper to get rid of sand....
He stopped talking, and looked around expecting a sea of interested faces.
Bur Francine had gone off with the children to look at the interpretive centre. Sweezus and Camus were talking about Camus' underground wartime experiences.
His coffee was cold, and the children had snaffled his snacks.
Dad-on-Holiday
The Camus family, Sweezus and Gaius walked over to Granite Island via the causeway.
What are we going to see? asked Camus, in a dad-on-holiday voice.
PENGUINS! shouted the twins.
Fairy penguins, said Francine.
FAIRY PENGUINS! cried Catherine.
Where? asked Jean,looking around at the bare granite rocks.
We have to look for them, said Sweezus. They live in their burrows. Let's climb up these steps.
They climbed the steps, stopping at the top to admire the spectacular view of the ocean waves crashing onto the rocks below.
How beautiful, said Francine.
Penguins! said Catherine. I want to see penguins!
Where are they? asked Camus. I thought they'd be all over the place.
Oh no, said Gaius. They'll be out fishing. But look over there. Those are their burrows.
Where? said Catherine.
Those holes under the rocks, said Sweezus. See all the white marks? That's their poo.
Poopoo! said Jean.
Poopoo! said Catherine. Mummy, I need the toilet.
Me too, said Jean.
Oh merde! said Camus. Francine where is the toilet?
Back down the steps, said Francine. Would you like to take them?
Alright, sighed Camus. Just give me the wipes.
He took the twins by the hand and set off heavily down the wooden steps.
Francine sat down on a rock. Sweezus and Gaius did the same.
We don't know much about penguins, she admitted. We should have done more research.
I know something, said Gaius. I've made a study of birds. There are only one hundred and fifty fairy penguins left on this island. There used to be more. You see that small island over there? That's West Island. Over two thousand fairy penguins live there. And that's because it's difficult for humans to reach.
The children will be disappointed, said Francine. Let's hope the kiosk is open.
Yes, let's hope so, said Gaius. My breakfast has completely worn off.
Mine too, said Sweezus. I'm starving! Let's go down before the others come back.
What are we going to see? asked Camus, in a dad-on-holiday voice.
PENGUINS! shouted the twins.
Fairy penguins, said Francine.
FAIRY PENGUINS! cried Catherine.
Where? asked Jean,looking around at the bare granite rocks.
We have to look for them, said Sweezus. They live in their burrows. Let's climb up these steps.
They climbed the steps, stopping at the top to admire the spectacular view of the ocean waves crashing onto the rocks below.
How beautiful, said Francine.
Penguins! said Catherine. I want to see penguins!
Where are they? asked Camus. I thought they'd be all over the place.
Oh no, said Gaius. They'll be out fishing. But look over there. Those are their burrows.
Where? said Catherine.
Those holes under the rocks, said Sweezus. See all the white marks? That's their poo.
Poopoo! said Jean.
Poopoo! said Catherine. Mummy, I need the toilet.
Me too, said Jean.
Oh merde! said Camus. Francine where is the toilet?
Back down the steps, said Francine. Would you like to take them?
Alright, sighed Camus. Just give me the wipes.
He took the twins by the hand and set off heavily down the wooden steps.
Francine sat down on a rock. Sweezus and Gaius did the same.
We don't know much about penguins, she admitted. We should have done more research.
I know something, said Gaius. I've made a study of birds. There are only one hundred and fifty fairy penguins left on this island. There used to be more. You see that small island over there? That's West Island. Over two thousand fairy penguins live there. And that's because it's difficult for humans to reach.
The children will be disappointed, said Francine. Let's hope the kiosk is open.
Yes, let's hope so, said Gaius. My breakfast has completely worn off.
Mine too, said Sweezus. I'm starving! Let's go down before the others come back.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Stoicism and Nihilism
Gaius pedalled up the hill towards McCracken. He was two hours late. It was quite possible the others had already left for Granite Island.
At least he had acquitted himself well last night in the freezing cabin. Gritting his teeth like the military man he was and putting up with it. Letting Sweezus have the extra blanket. Not complaining to the manager about the broken heater in the morning. His list of virtues was impressive. He wondered if he would be too late for breakfast.
......
Sweezus was excited.
Nihilism! said Sweezus. I like the sound of that. What is nihilism exactly?
Do you mean existential nihilism? asked Camus. Or metaphysical nihilism?
I don't know, said Sweezus. Either one.
Existential nihilism tells us that life has no objective meaning, purpose or intrinsic value, said Camus.
Like absurdism, said Sweezus.
No! said Camus. It's completely different.
Oh, I get it! said Sweezus. You mean it isn't influenced by the weather.
I didn't mean that, said Camus. But you are quite right.
Brilliant! said Sweezus. You're giving me heaps of inspiration. I'm going to call my article The Nihilist Bicyclist.
That has a nice ring to it, said Francine.
Gaius knocked at the door.
Come in Gaius! said Francine. We were wondering where you were. We're nearly ready to go to Granite Island. I suppose you've already eaten back at the cabin?
Yes, yes I have, thank you, said Gaius, looking at the toast crumbs and the empty cups.
At least he had acquitted himself well last night in the freezing cabin. Gritting his teeth like the military man he was and putting up with it. Letting Sweezus have the extra blanket. Not complaining to the manager about the broken heater in the morning. His list of virtues was impressive. He wondered if he would be too late for breakfast.
......
Sweezus was excited.
Nihilism! said Sweezus. I like the sound of that. What is nihilism exactly?
Do you mean existential nihilism? asked Camus. Or metaphysical nihilism?
I don't know, said Sweezus. Either one.
Existential nihilism tells us that life has no objective meaning, purpose or intrinsic value, said Camus.
Like absurdism, said Sweezus.
No! said Camus. It's completely different.
Oh, I get it! said Sweezus. You mean it isn't influenced by the weather.
I didn't mean that, said Camus. But you are quite right.
Brilliant! said Sweezus. You're giving me heaps of inspiration. I'm going to call my article The Nihilist Bicyclist.
That has a nice ring to it, said Francine.
Gaius knocked at the door.
Come in Gaius! said Francine. We were wondering where you were. We're nearly ready to go to Granite Island. I suppose you've already eaten back at the cabin?
Yes, yes I have, thank you, said Gaius, looking at the toast crumbs and the empty cups.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Many Different Kinds
Sweezus knocked on the door of the Camus family's apartment.
Sweezus! cried the twins. Come and play penguins!
Not now, said Sweezus. I'm starving. What's for breakfast?
Mini-Wheats, said Francine. The children don't much like them.
Oh, said Sweezus. Shall I help myself?
Please do, said Francine. I'll get the coffee.
Camus was at the table eating toast and strawberry jam.
Sweezus, he said, contemplatively. Why does your name seem so familiar?
Are you on Twitter? asked Sweezus. Perhaps you follow me.
Twitter? said Camus. I think not. I have no interest in the social media.
Don't knock it till you try it, said Sweezus. It helps me with my writing. I've just completed a creative writing course. My teacher encouraged me to tweet.
What do you tweet about? asked Camus.
The night sky, said Sweezus. It's really cool. No one else is doing it. One of my followers wrote and told me I ought to be a writter.
A writter? said Camus. What's a writter?
I assumed they meant a writer, said Sweezus. And they couldn't spell.
That's good, said Camus. It means you're making progress, when you start to get some feedback.
That's what I think, said Sweezus, but I just don't seem able to write this article for Marie and Belle et Bonne. A bicycle story I can do, but it's the philosophical aspect that's holding me up.
Aha, said Camus. Just write about what you know.
Yeah, exactly, said Sweezus. And philosophy isn't my thing.
There are many different kinds of philosophy, said Camus. Existentialism, absurdism, determinism, nihilism, naturalism, stoicism.......
You're kidding me! said Sweezus. Wow!
Sweezus! cried the twins. Come and play penguins!
Not now, said Sweezus. I'm starving. What's for breakfast?
Mini-Wheats, said Francine. The children don't much like them.
Oh, said Sweezus. Shall I help myself?
Please do, said Francine. I'll get the coffee.
Camus was at the table eating toast and strawberry jam.
Sweezus, he said, contemplatively. Why does your name seem so familiar?
Are you on Twitter? asked Sweezus. Perhaps you follow me.
Twitter? said Camus. I think not. I have no interest in the social media.
Don't knock it till you try it, said Sweezus. It helps me with my writing. I've just completed a creative writing course. My teacher encouraged me to tweet.
What do you tweet about? asked Camus.
The night sky, said Sweezus. It's really cool. No one else is doing it. One of my followers wrote and told me I ought to be a writter.
A writter? said Camus. What's a writter?
I assumed they meant a writer, said Sweezus. And they couldn't spell.
That's good, said Camus. It means you're making progress, when you start to get some feedback.
That's what I think, said Sweezus, but I just don't seem able to write this article for Marie and Belle et Bonne. A bicycle story I can do, but it's the philosophical aspect that's holding me up.
Aha, said Camus. Just write about what you know.
Yeah, exactly, said Sweezus. And philosophy isn't my thing.
There are many different kinds of philosophy, said Camus. Existentialism, absurdism, determinism, nihilism, naturalism, stoicism.......
You're kidding me! said Sweezus. Wow!
Wonderful
It was late when Gaius and Sweezus arrived at their cabin.
Brrr! It's cold, said Sweezus. Let's turn on the heating.
It's not that bad, said Gaius. Just put on more clothes.
I haven't brought any more clothes, said Sweezus. Look here, Gaius, we're paying for this cabin. We're entitled to some heat.
Alright, said Gaius, reaching up to turn the heating on.
A grinding noise came out of the heater, but no heat.
Damn! said Sweezus. It's broken. I wish we were still in the Camus's apartment. Pity they didn't ask us to sleep over.
They did, said Gaius, but I declined the offer while you were being a penguin.
You really don't like luxury, do you, Gaius? said Sweezus.
I don't, said Gaius. I'm a military man.
I'll have that extra blanket then, said Sweezus.
.......
At six o'clock next morning Sweezus's phone rang. It was Francine.
Come over here for breakfast, said Francine.
We'll be there in ten minutes, said Sweezus. Thanks Francine.
Wake up Gaius! Francine's invited us to breakfast!
Whaaat? said Gaius grumpily. But I've only had a couple of hours sleep! It's been so cold!
Well, I'm going, said Sweezus. See you later!
And Sweezus rode his bicycle back up the hill to McCracken.
.......
Gaius woke up two hours later wondering where he was. Then he remembered. He'd had a freezing cold night, barely slept, and missed a free breakfast. He got up, and went over to reception to hand in the cabin key.
Was everything okay? asked the park manager.
Wonderful, said Gaius.
Brrr! It's cold, said Sweezus. Let's turn on the heating.
It's not that bad, said Gaius. Just put on more clothes.
I haven't brought any more clothes, said Sweezus. Look here, Gaius, we're paying for this cabin. We're entitled to some heat.
Alright, said Gaius, reaching up to turn the heating on.
A grinding noise came out of the heater, but no heat.
Damn! said Sweezus. It's broken. I wish we were still in the Camus's apartment. Pity they didn't ask us to sleep over.
They did, said Gaius, but I declined the offer while you were being a penguin.
You really don't like luxury, do you, Gaius? said Sweezus.
I don't, said Gaius. I'm a military man.
I'll have that extra blanket then, said Sweezus.
.......
At six o'clock next morning Sweezus's phone rang. It was Francine.
Come over here for breakfast, said Francine.
We'll be there in ten minutes, said Sweezus. Thanks Francine.
Wake up Gaius! Francine's invited us to breakfast!
Whaaat? said Gaius grumpily. But I've only had a couple of hours sleep! It's been so cold!
Well, I'm going, said Sweezus. See you later!
And Sweezus rode his bicycle back up the hill to McCracken.
.......
Gaius woke up two hours later wondering where he was. Then he remembered. He'd had a freezing cold night, barely slept, and missed a free breakfast. He got up, and went over to reception to hand in the cabin key.
Was everything okay? asked the park manager.
Wonderful, said Gaius.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Imaginary Fish
We're Fairy Penguins! said Catherine. Let's catch fish!
Alright! said Sweezus, in a penguin voice.
Catherine, Jean and Sweezus waddled into the bathroom.
There's one! said Jean. I caught it!
Let's cook it! said Catherine.
They waddled into a bedroom.
Where's the oven? asked Penguin Sweezus.
Here it is, said Catherine, and shoved the imaginary fish between two pillows.
....
Meanwhile Gaius, Camus and Francine were still sitting at the table.
Your friend is good with children, said Francine. Would you two like to stay with us tonight? We have spare rooms.
Thank you for the offer, said Gaius, but this place is too luxurious. We have booked a cabin at the local caravan park which will be perfectly adequate for our needs.
As you like, said Camus. But will you come with us to Granite Island in the morning? We're going to look for Fairy Penguins.
We would love to, said Gaius. Wouldn't we? he added, seeing Penguin Sweezus who had poked his head around the door to look for sharks.
Ooh! A shark! squeaked Sweezus. Stay inside, you two!
Sea eagles and seals are far more dangerous to penguins, said Gaius. In case you didn't know.
The fish is burning! cried Catherine, from the bedroom.
And they don't cook fish! said Gaius crossly.
Chill out, said Sweezus. It's just a game.
He came back to the table and sat down.
I've been thinking, he said to Camus. What you said about the weather being irrelevant. You wrote The Stranger, right?
Right, said Camus.
About a guy who kills an Arab with a gun, Sweezus continued. And why does he kill the Arab?
He doesn't ever give an explanation, said Camus. Other than being bothered by the heat and glaring sunlight on the beach.
That's weather! said Sweezus. I rest my case.
Ha ha! said Francine. Albert, you've been outsmarted by a penguin!
Francine, don't be absurd, said Camus.
Alright! said Sweezus, in a penguin voice.
Catherine, Jean and Sweezus waddled into the bathroom.
There's one! said Jean. I caught it!
Let's cook it! said Catherine.
They waddled into a bedroom.
Where's the oven? asked Penguin Sweezus.
Here it is, said Catherine, and shoved the imaginary fish between two pillows.
....
Meanwhile Gaius, Camus and Francine were still sitting at the table.
Your friend is good with children, said Francine. Would you two like to stay with us tonight? We have spare rooms.
Thank you for the offer, said Gaius, but this place is too luxurious. We have booked a cabin at the local caravan park which will be perfectly adequate for our needs.
As you like, said Camus. But will you come with us to Granite Island in the morning? We're going to look for Fairy Penguins.
We would love to, said Gaius. Wouldn't we? he added, seeing Penguin Sweezus who had poked his head around the door to look for sharks.
Ooh! A shark! squeaked Sweezus. Stay inside, you two!
Sea eagles and seals are far more dangerous to penguins, said Gaius. In case you didn't know.
The fish is burning! cried Catherine, from the bedroom.
And they don't cook fish! said Gaius crossly.
Chill out, said Sweezus. It's just a game.
He came back to the table and sat down.
I've been thinking, he said to Camus. What you said about the weather being irrelevant. You wrote The Stranger, right?
Right, said Camus.
About a guy who kills an Arab with a gun, Sweezus continued. And why does he kill the Arab?
He doesn't ever give an explanation, said Camus. Other than being bothered by the heat and glaring sunlight on the beach.
That's weather! said Sweezus. I rest my case.
Ha ha! said Francine. Albert, you've been outsmarted by a penguin!
Francine, don't be absurd, said Camus.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Absurdism and the Weather
Later that evening, over Kentucky Fried Chicken in the Camus family apartment, they quizzed Camus on his philosophy.
What did you mean by life's absurdities? asked Sweezus.
I used the term quite loosely, said Camus, taking another helping of mashed potato and gravy from a cardboard bowl. I say this really is disgusting.
Have some chips then, Albert, said Francine. If you don't mind that the twins have covered them in sauce.
Thanks, said Camus. Now where was I? Yes, I am a proponent of Absurdism. By that I mean to say that life itself is meaningless. Or rather that the human mind cannot comprehend it.
Awesome, said Sweezus. I sometimes think that too, when the weather's bad.
Absurdism has nothing to do with the weather, said Camus.
I think you'll find it does, said Sweezus. What do you think Gaius?
The weather? said Gaius. What on earth are you talking about? And what is Absurdism but a load of modern nonsense? My philosophy is a simple one, but indisputable. All excess is bad. For example, having chips AND mashed potato at dinner.
That was unavoidable, said Francine. The cardboard mashed potato comes free with the Kentucky Fried Chicken.
That's no excuse, said Gaius. Why then did you order chips?
It really isn't your affair, said Francine. But the children like them.
Just then the children came running up to Sweezus.
Come and play Fairy Penguins, Uncle Sweezus! cried Catherine.
Yes, come and play! said Jean.
Alright, said Sweezus, standing up and waddling off behind them.
What did you mean by life's absurdities? asked Sweezus.
I used the term quite loosely, said Camus, taking another helping of mashed potato and gravy from a cardboard bowl. I say this really is disgusting.
Have some chips then, Albert, said Francine. If you don't mind that the twins have covered them in sauce.
Thanks, said Camus. Now where was I? Yes, I am a proponent of Absurdism. By that I mean to say that life itself is meaningless. Or rather that the human mind cannot comprehend it.
Awesome, said Sweezus. I sometimes think that too, when the weather's bad.
Absurdism has nothing to do with the weather, said Camus.
I think you'll find it does, said Sweezus. What do you think Gaius?
The weather? said Gaius. What on earth are you talking about? And what is Absurdism but a load of modern nonsense? My philosophy is a simple one, but indisputable. All excess is bad. For example, having chips AND mashed potato at dinner.
That was unavoidable, said Francine. The cardboard mashed potato comes free with the Kentucky Fried Chicken.
That's no excuse, said Gaius. Why then did you order chips?
It really isn't your affair, said Francine. But the children like them.
Just then the children came running up to Sweezus.
Come and play Fairy Penguins, Uncle Sweezus! cried Catherine.
Yes, come and play! said Jean.
Alright, said Sweezus, standing up and waddling off behind them.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
An Invitation to Dinner
Belle et Bonne and Marie sent us here to find you, said Sweezus.
There is the matter of the unfinished article, said Gaius.
What are you talking about? I've got till the end of the week, said Camus. I'm just having a little break here with my family.
Your family? said Sweezus. I didn't know you had one.
My wife Francine and the twins, Jean and Catherine, said Camus. They are at present in the swimming pool. Perhaps you would care to join us later for dinner? We are having Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Sweezus looked hopefully at Gaius.
Thank you, said Gaius. We'd love to.
By the way, said Sweezus, Belle et Bonne and Marie said you might help us with our....OUCH!
They suggested you might help Sweezus with his article, said Gaius smoothly.
Did you just kick him? asked Camus.
No, he must have got cramp, said Gaius. I have no need of anyone's help in the writing department.
I should say not, said Camus. You are a well-respected writer.
As are you, said Gaius.
It's not my fault I've got writer's block, said Sweezus. I wish Farky was here. He used to be my mentor. But he's in hospital.
Is he? said Gaius. No one told me. What's the matter with him?
He's having knee reconstructions, said Sweezus. Riding in the Tour de France did him no good at all.
Brave little fellow, said Gaius.
Who is this Farky? said Camus.
A Scottish dog, said Gaius.
Whooo! Camus whistled admiringly. And I thought I was the one who dealt in life's absurdities.
There is the matter of the unfinished article, said Gaius.
What are you talking about? I've got till the end of the week, said Camus. I'm just having a little break here with my family.
Your family? said Sweezus. I didn't know you had one.
My wife Francine and the twins, Jean and Catherine, said Camus. They are at present in the swimming pool. Perhaps you would care to join us later for dinner? We are having Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Sweezus looked hopefully at Gaius.
Thank you, said Gaius. We'd love to.
By the way, said Sweezus, Belle et Bonne and Marie said you might help us with our....OUCH!
They suggested you might help Sweezus with his article, said Gaius smoothly.
Did you just kick him? asked Camus.
No, he must have got cramp, said Gaius. I have no need of anyone's help in the writing department.
I should say not, said Camus. You are a well-respected writer.
As are you, said Gaius.
It's not my fault I've got writer's block, said Sweezus. I wish Farky was here. He used to be my mentor. But he's in hospital.
Is he? said Gaius. No one told me. What's the matter with him?
He's having knee reconstructions, said Sweezus. Riding in the Tour de France did him no good at all.
Brave little fellow, said Gaius.
Who is this Farky? said Camus.
A Scottish dog, said Gaius.
Whooo! Camus whistled admiringly. And I thought I was the one who dealt in life's absurdities.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Camus/Camoo
The following day, Gaius and Sweezus cycled down to Victor Harbor.
Tell me what you know about Camus, said Gaius. It may help us to find him.
Yeah, said Sweezus. It might. Umm, well, I only met him a couple of times, in the office with the girls. He seemed kind of.... you know....
No I don't know, said Gaius. That isn't very helpful. Would you say he was the sort of person who would stay in a cabin?
He came from a poor family in Algeria, said Sweezus. But rose to become an influential philosopher and intellectual giant.
Then obviously, said Gaius, he wouldn't choose to slum it in a cabin. I say we go and look for him at McCracken.
McCracken? said Sweezus. The resort? Oh okay, if you say so. I always wanted to see what it was like.
They arrived at McCracken late in the afternoon, and enquired at reception if Camus was staying there.
We don't give out that sort of information, said the receptionist.
Fortunately at that moment Camus walked by on his way to the swimming pool.
Camoo! shouted Sweezus. You're here!
That depends, said Camus, on what you mean by here.
See, said Sweezus, I told you he was smart.
Indeed, said Gaius. Hello Mr Camoo.
Please, said Camus. Call me Camus.
I thought I was, said Gaius. Does it not sound the same?
Not to me, said Camus, I am sensitive to such things. And who are you?
Gaius Plinius Secundus, said Gaius. Also known as Pliny the Elder, at your service. We have been sent to find you.
I am not missing, said Camus, but welcome, anyway.
Tell me what you know about Camus, said Gaius. It may help us to find him.
Yeah, said Sweezus. It might. Umm, well, I only met him a couple of times, in the office with the girls. He seemed kind of.... you know....
No I don't know, said Gaius. That isn't very helpful. Would you say he was the sort of person who would stay in a cabin?
He came from a poor family in Algeria, said Sweezus. But rose to become an influential philosopher and intellectual giant.
Then obviously, said Gaius, he wouldn't choose to slum it in a cabin. I say we go and look for him at McCracken.
McCracken? said Sweezus. The resort? Oh okay, if you say so. I always wanted to see what it was like.
They arrived at McCracken late in the afternoon, and enquired at reception if Camus was staying there.
We don't give out that sort of information, said the receptionist.
Fortunately at that moment Camus walked by on his way to the swimming pool.
Camoo! shouted Sweezus. You're here!
That depends, said Camus, on what you mean by here.
See, said Sweezus, I told you he was smart.
Indeed, said Gaius. Hello Mr Camoo.
Please, said Camus. Call me Camus.
I thought I was, said Gaius. Does it not sound the same?
Not to me, said Camus, I am sensitive to such things. And who are you?
Gaius Plinius Secundus, said Gaius. Also known as Pliny the Elder, at your service. We have been sent to find you.
I am not missing, said Camus, but welcome, anyway.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Hooking Up With Camus
I'm all ears, said Sweezus, swigging on his Diet Coke and crunching up three macarons in quick succession. What's your brilliant idea?
It's this, said Marie. You know how you've been mooning around the office for ages, and you still haven't written anything of note...
What about my moon tweets? said Sweezus, looking offended.
Admirable, said Marie, but what we want's an article on bicycle philosophy. Now, our friend Camus has told us that he needs a bit of help finishing his own contribution, which is due at the end of the week. How about you two hooking up with him? You might get some inspiration, Sweezus, and you, Gaius....
Me, said Gaius. What have I to do with this? I have no need of inspiration. You never even waited to hear what I was planning to write.
Sorry Gaius dear, said Belle et Bonne. What was it?
As a matter of fact, said Gaius, I came here in such a hurry after I remembered my promise that I have only a very vague idea.
Exactly, said Marie. I thought as much. Working with Camus will help you crystallise your own idea. Camus is a very clever chap, he won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1957.
Humph, said Gaius.
But there's another more important reason why we need you, Gaius, said Belle et Bonne quickly. We know that you are very good at solving mysteries.
I am? said Gaius. Oh yes, the bicycle mystery. But what mystery do you need solving now?
Unfortunately, Camus has gone missing, said Belle et Bonne.
Sweezus whistled.
And you want us to find him!
Yes, said Marie. But we only have one clue. We know he's somewhere down at Victor Harbor looking for fairy penguins, but we don't know where he's staying.
It's this, said Marie. You know how you've been mooning around the office for ages, and you still haven't written anything of note...
What about my moon tweets? said Sweezus, looking offended.
Admirable, said Marie, but what we want's an article on bicycle philosophy. Now, our friend Camus has told us that he needs a bit of help finishing his own contribution, which is due at the end of the week. How about you two hooking up with him? You might get some inspiration, Sweezus, and you, Gaius....
Me, said Gaius. What have I to do with this? I have no need of inspiration. You never even waited to hear what I was planning to write.
Sorry Gaius dear, said Belle et Bonne. What was it?
As a matter of fact, said Gaius, I came here in such a hurry after I remembered my promise that I have only a very vague idea.
Exactly, said Marie. I thought as much. Working with Camus will help you crystallise your own idea. Camus is a very clever chap, he won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1957.
Humph, said Gaius.
But there's another more important reason why we need you, Gaius, said Belle et Bonne quickly. We know that you are very good at solving mysteries.
I am? said Gaius. Oh yes, the bicycle mystery. But what mystery do you need solving now?
Unfortunately, Camus has gone missing, said Belle et Bonne.
Sweezus whistled.
And you want us to find him!
Yes, said Marie. But we only have one clue. We know he's somewhere down at Victor Harbor looking for fairy penguins, but we don't know where he's staying.
So Often True
The next morning Belle et Bonne received an email.
Bugger! she said. It's from Gaius. He thinks he's promised us an article.
Crumbs! said Marie. I was hoping he'd forgotten.
At least Gustave and Violetta seem to have forgotten, said Belle et Bonne. One out of three isn't bad. I'll ask him to come in and discuss it, shall I?
Okay, said Marie.
.......
Later that afternoon Gaius entered the Velosophy office, to find Belle et Bonne, Marie and a plate of macarons.
Good afternoon young ladies, said Gaius. Better late than never.
Oh Gaius, said Belle et Bonne, that is so often true. Do sit down and have a macaron. Would you like a cup of tea?
Thank you, Belle et Bonne, said Gaius. I do hope my tardiness has not put your magazine to any inconvenience.
As a matter of fact it hasn't , said Marie. We have been extremely busy with our other contributors, one of whom is the famous French philosopher and novelist Albert Camus.
My goodness, said Gaius. Perhaps you do not need my humble contribution.
Oh no, said Belle et Bonne. We do. Have you any idea what the subject of your article is likely to be? I remember your last contribution was a mystery thriller.
I am flattered you remember, said Gaius.
Who could forget? said Marie. You tried to solve the mystery of two disappearing bicycles, and ended up at the local Korean church being mistaken for Jesus.
Just then Sweezus put his head around the door.
Tell me about it, said Sweezus. That happens to me all the time.
But you are Jesus, said Belle et Bonne. Silly boy.
That doesn't make it any less annoying, said Sweezus. Hey! Are those macarons? Awesome! Can I have one?
You may have as many as you like, Sweezie dear, said Belle et Bonne. And would you like a cup of tea?
No thanks, said Sweezus. Have you got a Diet Coke?
Here you are, said Marie, handing him a Diet Coke. Now let's get to work. I've just had a brilliant idea!
Bugger! she said. It's from Gaius. He thinks he's promised us an article.
Crumbs! said Marie. I was hoping he'd forgotten.
At least Gustave and Violetta seem to have forgotten, said Belle et Bonne. One out of three isn't bad. I'll ask him to come in and discuss it, shall I?
Okay, said Marie.
.......
Later that afternoon Gaius entered the Velosophy office, to find Belle et Bonne, Marie and a plate of macarons.
Good afternoon young ladies, said Gaius. Better late than never.
Oh Gaius, said Belle et Bonne, that is so often true. Do sit down and have a macaron. Would you like a cup of tea?
Thank you, Belle et Bonne, said Gaius. I do hope my tardiness has not put your magazine to any inconvenience.
As a matter of fact it hasn't , said Marie. We have been extremely busy with our other contributors, one of whom is the famous French philosopher and novelist Albert Camus.
My goodness, said Gaius. Perhaps you do not need my humble contribution.
Oh no, said Belle et Bonne. We do. Have you any idea what the subject of your article is likely to be? I remember your last contribution was a mystery thriller.
I am flattered you remember, said Gaius.
Who could forget? said Marie. You tried to solve the mystery of two disappearing bicycles, and ended up at the local Korean church being mistaken for Jesus.
Just then Sweezus put his head around the door.
Tell me about it, said Sweezus. That happens to me all the time.
But you are Jesus, said Belle et Bonne. Silly boy.
That doesn't make it any less annoying, said Sweezus. Hey! Are those macarons? Awesome! Can I have one?
You may have as many as you like, Sweezie dear, said Belle et Bonne. And would you like a cup of tea?
No thanks, said Sweezus. Have you got a Diet Coke?
Here you are, said Marie, handing him a Diet Coke. Now let's get to work. I've just had a brilliant idea!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
French Restaurants
Gaius, Lavender and Baby Pierre were walking along North Terrace on their way home from the Moon Lantern Festival.
That was good, said Baby Pierre. We were the only ones with volcano lanterns.
Yes, said Lavender. That was good. Volcanoes are really good.
No they aren't, said Gaius. Not real ones.
I wish we'd stayed to hear Anoctopus's story about the Krakatoans, said Lavender.
You were the one who didn't want to, said Gaius.
I know, said Lavender, but now I'm the one who wishes that we did.
Well, said Gaius, I may not have read The Twenty One Balloons, but I do know the general gist. Would you like me to tell you what I remember?
Yes please, said Lavender.
The professor met twenty families living on Krakatoa, said Gaius. They were fabulously rich because the island was built on diamonds. Each family had built a wonderful house in a different style, such as French, British, Dutch, Chinese or Indonesian. Each family had opened a restaurant which served food in the style that matched the architecture of the house. Each month it would be the turn of one of the families to open their restaurant and serve food to the other families. The rest of the time they had nothing to do but invent fantastic things to make their life easier.
I don't think that can be true, said Baby Pierre. About the restaurants, I mean.
It isn't, said Gaius. It's a children's book. The only parts that are true are about the eruption.
It would have been a nice island to live on, said Lavender.
What? said Baby Pierre. You never go to restaurants.
But diamonds are pretty, said Lavender,
I go to restaurants, said Gaius. I especially like French restaurants.
They walked on, each in their own little reverie. Gaius remembered the picnics Belle et Bonne and Marie had provided when he rode with Team Bumptious in the Tour de France. Suddenly he was stuck by a thought. Hadn't he promised them something?
Oops! he said. Hurry up everyone. I must get home as soon as possible. I've just remembered something I have to do!
That was good, said Baby Pierre. We were the only ones with volcano lanterns.
Yes, said Lavender. That was good. Volcanoes are really good.
No they aren't, said Gaius. Not real ones.
I wish we'd stayed to hear Anoctopus's story about the Krakatoans, said Lavender.
You were the one who didn't want to, said Gaius.
I know, said Lavender, but now I'm the one who wishes that we did.
Well, said Gaius, I may not have read The Twenty One Balloons, but I do know the general gist. Would you like me to tell you what I remember?
Yes please, said Lavender.
The professor met twenty families living on Krakatoa, said Gaius. They were fabulously rich because the island was built on diamonds. Each family had built a wonderful house in a different style, such as French, British, Dutch, Chinese or Indonesian. Each family had opened a restaurant which served food in the style that matched the architecture of the house. Each month it would be the turn of one of the families to open their restaurant and serve food to the other families. The rest of the time they had nothing to do but invent fantastic things to make their life easier.
I don't think that can be true, said Baby Pierre. About the restaurants, I mean.
It isn't, said Gaius. It's a children's book. The only parts that are true are about the eruption.
It would have been a nice island to live on, said Lavender.
What? said Baby Pierre. You never go to restaurants.
But diamonds are pretty, said Lavender,
I go to restaurants, said Gaius. I especially like French restaurants.
They walked on, each in their own little reverie. Gaius remembered the picnics Belle et Bonne and Marie had provided when he rode with Team Bumptious in the Tour de France. Suddenly he was stuck by a thought. Hadn't he promised them something?
Oops! he said. Hurry up everyone. I must get home as soon as possible. I've just remembered something I have to do!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Moon Lantern Happiness
Gaius had put the finishing touches to his Moon Lantern, which was fashioned in the likeness of a volcano. Lavender and Baby Pierre made tiny Moon Lantern volcanoes for themselves with leftover rice paper and bamboo.
Come on, said Gaius. We don't want to be late for the parade. It starts at ten past seven.
They caught the bus to the edge of town and walked to Elder Park in the gathering dusk.
There are too many clouds, said Lavender. We won't be able to see the full moon.
Don't worry, said Gaius. The moon will appear through the gaps in the clouds.
When they arrived they lined up with the others along the river bank. The moon lanterns glowed magically against the gleaming black water. At ten past seven they began to move forward. Gaius, Lavender and Baby Pierre were behind a giant moon lantern rabbit, and in front of Astro Boy flying over the moon.
There's a dragon! said Baby Pierre. And a tiger!
Look at all the people, whispered Lavender, as they turned in front of the main stage. She waved her volcano moon lantern slowly up and down as she walked.
Someone in the crowd clapped and called out " Beautiful!"
Lavender turned her head and saw that the person clapping was looking straight at her.
She felt inexpressibly happy.
Come on, said Gaius. We don't want to be late for the parade. It starts at ten past seven.
They caught the bus to the edge of town and walked to Elder Park in the gathering dusk.
There are too many clouds, said Lavender. We won't be able to see the full moon.
Don't worry, said Gaius. The moon will appear through the gaps in the clouds.
When they arrived they lined up with the others along the river bank. The moon lanterns glowed magically against the gleaming black water. At ten past seven they began to move forward. Gaius, Lavender and Baby Pierre were behind a giant moon lantern rabbit, and in front of Astro Boy flying over the moon.
There's a dragon! said Baby Pierre. And a tiger!
Look at all the people, whispered Lavender, as they turned in front of the main stage. She waved her volcano moon lantern slowly up and down as she walked.
Someone in the crowd clapped and called out " Beautiful!"
Lavender turned her head and saw that the person clapping was looking straight at her.
She felt inexpressibly happy.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
What It Was
Wait a minute, said Gaius. Did you say The Arrival?
Yes, said Anoctopus. Do you understand why that was funny?
Of course I do, said Gaius. Humour is never lost on me. But the reason I was asking is that if The Arrival is on then the OzAsia Festival must have begun.
So what? said Anoctopus.
I'll have to think of leaving, said Gaius. I need to go home and put the finishing touches to my Moon Lantern.
But you haven't heard my story about the Krakatoans, said Anoctopus. You can't go yet. I'm free to talk again now.
Too bad, said Gaius. Perhaps the others will stay. I'm sure they'd like to hear about the Krakatoans.
No we wouldn't! said Lavender. We want to come to the Moon Lantern Parade with you.
Speak for yourself, Lavender, said Baby Pierre.
Oh, good! said Anoctopus. Do you want to stay, Baby Pierre?
No, said Baby Pierre. I just like to make my own decisions.
You've told us lots of interesting stories, Anoctopus, said Gaius. Perhaps we'll meet again some day and hear about the Krakatoans. But now we have to go.
What about me? said Anoctopus. Are you going to leave me here in this bucket?
Is it stinky? asked Lavender, sniffing at the bucket. You've been in it an awful long time.
No need to be rude, said Anoctopus. Tip me back into the sea will you?
Gaius picked up the bucket and tipped Anoctopus back into the sea.
With a slippery splash Anoctopus disappeared into the black depths of the sea underneath the jetty.
Come on, said Gaius. Let's go back to my house. You can both help me with my Moon Lantern.
Our quest is over, isn't it, said Lavender.
Yes, said Baby Pierre, with a sigh. It's over. Do you know, Lavender, I can't even remember what it was.
Yes, said Anoctopus. Do you understand why that was funny?
Of course I do, said Gaius. Humour is never lost on me. But the reason I was asking is that if The Arrival is on then the OzAsia Festival must have begun.
So what? said Anoctopus.
I'll have to think of leaving, said Gaius. I need to go home and put the finishing touches to my Moon Lantern.
But you haven't heard my story about the Krakatoans, said Anoctopus. You can't go yet. I'm free to talk again now.
Too bad, said Gaius. Perhaps the others will stay. I'm sure they'd like to hear about the Krakatoans.
No we wouldn't! said Lavender. We want to come to the Moon Lantern Parade with you.
Speak for yourself, Lavender, said Baby Pierre.
Oh, good! said Anoctopus. Do you want to stay, Baby Pierre?
No, said Baby Pierre. I just like to make my own decisions.
You've told us lots of interesting stories, Anoctopus, said Gaius. Perhaps we'll meet again some day and hear about the Krakatoans. But now we have to go.
What about me? said Anoctopus. Are you going to leave me here in this bucket?
Is it stinky? asked Lavender, sniffing at the bucket. You've been in it an awful long time.
No need to be rude, said Anoctopus. Tip me back into the sea will you?
Gaius picked up the bucket and tipped Anoctopus back into the sea.
With a slippery splash Anoctopus disappeared into the black depths of the sea underneath the jetty.
Come on, said Gaius. Let's go back to my house. You can both help me with my Moon Lantern.
Our quest is over, isn't it, said Lavender.
Yes, said Baby Pierre, with a sigh. It's over. Do you know, Lavender, I can't even remember what it was.
The Arrival
When are the visitors going? asked Baby Pierre. This is turning into a long night out here on the jetty.
Good heavens, so it is, said Gaius. Here we are still on the jetty one day last week. When are the visitors going?
They've already gone, said Anoctopus, but my person has only just got home after being out most of the day.
What did she do? asked Lavender. Did she colour in any more fairies?
No, but she coloured a caterpillar's face olive green, and elegantly crosshatched a broomstick, said Anoctopus. All while lying on her tummy propped up on her elbows.
Did she go out? asked Lavender.
Yes she went out. She went to the Pie Shop on Jetty Road Brighton with the rest of the team, and then to a playground to eat pies. There was a cold wind blowing in the playground and the only way to get warm was to lie at the bottom of the slippery slide in the sun. There was only one problem with that.
I know! cried Lavender. Someone wanted to go down the slide!
Right, said Anoctopus. Then, she went back to great grandma's house and had biscuits and cake, and several bites of a bright blue meringue, supervised the watering of plants with a watering can, and went to the airport to wave goodbye to the visitors. Then, instead of going home...
What? said Lavender. Didn't she go home?
No, said Anoctopus. She went to a musical performance at Her Majesty's with the remaining member of the team. The name of the show was..... haha... you'll never guess....
Tell us, said Baby Pierre. Then we can all go home.
It was called The Arrival, said Anoctopus.
Haha that's funny, laughed everyone.
Good heavens, so it is, said Gaius. Here we are still on the jetty one day last week. When are the visitors going?
They've already gone, said Anoctopus, but my person has only just got home after being out most of the day.
What did she do? asked Lavender. Did she colour in any more fairies?
No, but she coloured a caterpillar's face olive green, and elegantly crosshatched a broomstick, said Anoctopus. All while lying on her tummy propped up on her elbows.
Did she go out? asked Lavender.
Yes she went out. She went to the Pie Shop on Jetty Road Brighton with the rest of the team, and then to a playground to eat pies. There was a cold wind blowing in the playground and the only way to get warm was to lie at the bottom of the slippery slide in the sun. There was only one problem with that.
I know! cried Lavender. Someone wanted to go down the slide!
Right, said Anoctopus. Then, she went back to great grandma's house and had biscuits and cake, and several bites of a bright blue meringue, supervised the watering of plants with a watering can, and went to the airport to wave goodbye to the visitors. Then, instead of going home...
What? said Lavender. Didn't she go home?
No, said Anoctopus. She went to a musical performance at Her Majesty's with the remaining member of the team. The name of the show was..... haha... you'll never guess....
Tell us, said Baby Pierre. Then we can all go home.
It was called The Arrival, said Anoctopus.
Haha that's funny, laughed everyone.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
One of a Team
Awww, said Anctopus. The person's tired now.
Why? asked Baby Pierre.
She's had a long day, said Anoctopus. And to make matters worse, she can't get into the computer room because her daughter has gone to bed early and shut the door.
Why does she want to? asked Gaius.
Because she wants to write her blog, said Anoctopus. She is a determined sort of person. But there's nothing she can do.
She could use a laptop, said Gaius. That's what I do when someone is sleeping in my computer room.
That's what she IS doing, said Anoctopus. That's how I know she's tired and she's had a long day.
No it isn't, said Lavender. You channel her. You don't read her blog. What did she do today?
She made a picnic lunch, went to the botanical gardens, a military parade, and two exhibitions, one of Japanese embroidery and the other of modern Chinese art. When she got home she had to colour in some fairies, clean up broken glass, run up and down the passage carrying one child, then another, read Spot's Favourite Toys, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Row Row Row Your Boat and Incey Wincey Spider. Then wash lots of dishes, and babysit while the children's parents went out to a party.
All by herself? asked Lavender.
No, said Anoctopus. She is one of a team.
Why? asked Baby Pierre.
She's had a long day, said Anoctopus. And to make matters worse, she can't get into the computer room because her daughter has gone to bed early and shut the door.
Why does she want to? asked Gaius.
Because she wants to write her blog, said Anoctopus. She is a determined sort of person. But there's nothing she can do.
She could use a laptop, said Gaius. That's what I do when someone is sleeping in my computer room.
That's what she IS doing, said Anoctopus. That's how I know she's tired and she's had a long day.
No it isn't, said Lavender. You channel her. You don't read her blog. What did she do today?
She made a picnic lunch, went to the botanical gardens, a military parade, and two exhibitions, one of Japanese embroidery and the other of modern Chinese art. When she got home she had to colour in some fairies, clean up broken glass, run up and down the passage carrying one child, then another, read Spot's Favourite Toys, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Row Row Row Your Boat and Incey Wincey Spider. Then wash lots of dishes, and babysit while the children's parents went out to a party.
All by herself? asked Lavender.
No, said Anoctopus. She is one of a team.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Valuable Information
I know how to make a square cake look like a car, said Baby Pierre. You cut strips off two of the sides and place them at the front and back. Of course they'll be a bit too wide....
Why? asked Lavender.
Maths, said Baby Pierre.
Duh, said Lavender.
So then, said Baby Pierre, you cut the bits off that are sticking out and put them on top of the cake in the middle, to make the high middle part of the car.
How do you stick the pieces together? asked Lavender. With jam?
Yes, with jam, said Baby Pierre.
Gaius and Anoctopus looked at one another in amazement at the cleverness of Lavender and Baby Pierre.
And what do you do next? prompted Gaius.
Icing! shouted Lavender.
And Smarties! cried Baby Pierre. And sprinkles!
What colour icing? asked Anoctopus.
Yellow, said Lavender. Because that's the proper colour for a car.
What a pity, said Anoctopus, that I can't pass all this valuable information back to the person who needs it.
Maybe she doesn't need it, said Gaius.
Why? asked Lavender.
Maths, said Baby Pierre.
Duh, said Lavender.
So then, said Baby Pierre, you cut the bits off that are sticking out and put them on top of the cake in the middle, to make the high middle part of the car.
How do you stick the pieces together? asked Lavender. With jam?
Yes, with jam, said Baby Pierre.
Gaius and Anoctopus looked at one another in amazement at the cleverness of Lavender and Baby Pierre.
And what do you do next? prompted Gaius.
Icing! shouted Lavender.
And Smarties! cried Baby Pierre. And sprinkles!
What colour icing? asked Anoctopus.
Yellow, said Lavender. Because that's the proper colour for a car.
What a pity, said Anoctopus, that I can't pass all this valuable information back to the person who needs it.
Maybe she doesn't need it, said Gaius.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Problematical Cake
I know it, said Gaius. He began to sing:
Look at the monkey, funny monkey, Little Red Monkey, acting so fidgety,
Look at the monkey, funny monkey, Little Red Monkey, cute as can be.
Where is his papa, mama, sister, brother, cousin, rest of the family?
Little Red Monkey on his ownsome very lonesome monkey is he.
That's sad, said Lavender.
Sad that he knows it, said Anoctopus. Now, where was I?
You were telling us about the visitors, said Baby Pierre. What are they doing now?
I meant where was I before all this, said Anoctopus.
You were telling us about the people on Krakatoa, said Baby Pierre.
That will have to wait, said Anoctopus. I am once more sensing the person. The person is making a cake.
Ooh a cake! said Lavender. Is it a birthday cake?
It is, said Anoctopus.
What kind of cake is it? asked Baby Pierre, for he was interested in cakes.
A problematical one, said Anoctopus. The person has promised to make a birthday cake in the shape of a car. She has made the cake but so far it looks nothing like a car. It looks like a square cake with cracks in the top. She has no idea what to do next.
Look at the monkey, funny monkey, Little Red Monkey, acting so fidgety,
Look at the monkey, funny monkey, Little Red Monkey, cute as can be.
Where is his papa, mama, sister, brother, cousin, rest of the family?
Little Red Monkey on his ownsome very lonesome monkey is he.
That's sad, said Lavender.
Sad that he knows it, said Anoctopus. Now, where was I?
You were telling us about the visitors, said Baby Pierre. What are they doing now?
I meant where was I before all this, said Anoctopus.
You were telling us about the people on Krakatoa, said Baby Pierre.
That will have to wait, said Anoctopus. I am once more sensing the person. The person is making a cake.
Ooh a cake! said Lavender. Is it a birthday cake?
It is, said Anoctopus.
What kind of cake is it? asked Baby Pierre, for he was interested in cakes.
A problematical one, said Anoctopus. The person has promised to make a birthday cake in the shape of a car. She has made the cake but so far it looks nothing like a car. It looks like a square cake with cracks in the top. She has no idea what to do next.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Little Red Monkey
Ten thousand tentacles! cried Anoctopus. I didn't expect it to happen so soon! I've stopped talking again!
What is the person doing now? asked Lavender.
Who cares? said Anoctopus, crossly.
We do, said Baby Pierre. The person has visitors. We never have visitors. We want to know what it's like.
Well let me see, said Anoctopus. Errrrr.....I sense that the person is at Victor Harbor.....I sense that they are very very cold.....
Oh dear, said Lavender. Does that mean that you feel cold as well?
No, it doesn't. said Anoctopus. Channelling doesn't work like that.
I thought it did, said Gaius. But never mind. Why is the person feeling cold?
It's night time, said Anoctopus. The person has been at McCracken Resort with other members of their family who are staying in a luxurious apartment. It was warm in the apartment. Now the person has gone back to a cabin at Victor Harbor Holiday Park with her husband and mother and the heating doesn't work. The person is shivering in bed in the foetal position and rubbing her feet with her socks....
Goodness, said Gaius, it doesn't sound like the person is having very much fun.
Wait, said Anoctopus......Time passes. It's morning...the person is sitting in the back of an eight-seater van wedged between two much smaller people.....and she's singing a song...
What is the song? asked Lavender, enthralled.
Little red monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, said Anoctopus. I don't know it. Do you know it?
No I don't, said Lavender.
Nor does she, said Anoctopus.
What is the person doing now? asked Lavender.
Who cares? said Anoctopus, crossly.
We do, said Baby Pierre. The person has visitors. We never have visitors. We want to know what it's like.
Well let me see, said Anoctopus. Errrrr.....I sense that the person is at Victor Harbor.....I sense that they are very very cold.....
Oh dear, said Lavender. Does that mean that you feel cold as well?
No, it doesn't. said Anoctopus. Channelling doesn't work like that.
I thought it did, said Gaius. But never mind. Why is the person feeling cold?
It's night time, said Anoctopus. The person has been at McCracken Resort with other members of their family who are staying in a luxurious apartment. It was warm in the apartment. Now the person has gone back to a cabin at Victor Harbor Holiday Park with her husband and mother and the heating doesn't work. The person is shivering in bed in the foetal position and rubbing her feet with her socks....
Goodness, said Gaius, it doesn't sound like the person is having very much fun.
Wait, said Anoctopus......Time passes. It's morning...the person is sitting in the back of an eight-seater van wedged between two much smaller people.....and she's singing a song...
What is the song? asked Lavender, enthralled.
Little red monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, said Anoctopus. I don't know it. Do you know it?
No I don't, said Lavender.
Nor does she, said Anoctopus.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Spagetti Bolognese.
Unfortunately the date was WHAT? said Lavender. Have you forgotten?
No, said Anoctopus. Not exactly. Sorry about that. I don't usually stop talking.
So what happened? asked Lavender.
Well, said Anoctopus, it was as though someone else's words were coming out of my mouth..... and then....I don't know.... it was like whoever it was suddenly had to go off and do something else, like cook spagetti bolognaise....and they didn't come back.
Perhaps they were too busy to come back, said Baby Pierre.
It is always possible, said Gaius, that they had a lot of relatives staying at their house, and had no spare time in which to invent the next words to come out of your mouth. It happens, he added. But couldn't you have come up with something independently?
No, said Anoctopus. I had no means of remembering the date. And I had already begun the sentence. But I do know the date now. The professor landed on Krakatoa a week before it exploded on the 27th of August 1883.
Did he escape? asked Lavender. And what about the others?
They all escaped, said Anoctopus. Using twenty one balloons. The inhabitants had prepared an escape plan for just such an emergency.
Most unlikely, said Gaius. Are you quite sure it's true? I didn't think there were any inhabitants on Krakatoa at that time.
True-shmue! said Anoctopus. Who cares if it's true? It's not like there are any octopuses in it.
I want to hear more about the professor, and the inhabitants, said Baby Pierre.
Alright, said Anoctopus. But don't be surprised if I suddenly......
No, said Anoctopus. Not exactly. Sorry about that. I don't usually stop talking.
So what happened? asked Lavender.
Well, said Anoctopus, it was as though someone else's words were coming out of my mouth..... and then....I don't know.... it was like whoever it was suddenly had to go off and do something else, like cook spagetti bolognaise....and they didn't come back.
Perhaps they were too busy to come back, said Baby Pierre.
It is always possible, said Gaius, that they had a lot of relatives staying at their house, and had no spare time in which to invent the next words to come out of your mouth. It happens, he added. But couldn't you have come up with something independently?
No, said Anoctopus. I had no means of remembering the date. And I had already begun the sentence. But I do know the date now. The professor landed on Krakatoa a week before it exploded on the 27th of August 1883.
Did he escape? asked Lavender. And what about the others?
They all escaped, said Anoctopus. Using twenty one balloons. The inhabitants had prepared an escape plan for just such an emergency.
Most unlikely, said Gaius. Are you quite sure it's true? I didn't think there were any inhabitants on Krakatoa at that time.
True-shmue! said Anoctopus. Who cares if it's true? It's not like there are any octopuses in it.
I want to hear more about the professor, and the inhabitants, said Baby Pierre.
Alright, said Anoctopus. But don't be surprised if I suddenly......
Unfortunately The Date Is....
No, said Gaius, I haven't read The Twenty One Balloons, but I have heard of it. It is a very famous book I believe.
Very famous, said Anoctopus. Although I had no luck finding it in the book shops. I ended up buying it on ebay.
Nothing wrong with that, said Gaius. New or second hand?
Second hand, but in excellent condition, said Anoctopus.
Ebay items often are, said Gaius.
Why's it called The Twenty One Balloons if it's about volcanoes? asked Baby Pierre.
Ahh, said Anoctopus. It's about a professor who goes on a ballooning holiday, and is blown off course, and lands on Krakatoa. He meets the people who live there hidden from the rest of the world. They live in a sort of Utopia, but unfortunately the date is......
Suddenly Anoctopus stopped talking.
Very famous, said Anoctopus. Although I had no luck finding it in the book shops. I ended up buying it on ebay.
Nothing wrong with that, said Gaius. New or second hand?
Second hand, but in excellent condition, said Anoctopus.
Ebay items often are, said Gaius.
Why's it called The Twenty One Balloons if it's about volcanoes? asked Baby Pierre.
Ahh, said Anoctopus. It's about a professor who goes on a ballooning holiday, and is blown off course, and lands on Krakatoa. He meets the people who live there hidden from the rest of the world. They live in a sort of Utopia, but unfortunately the date is......
Suddenly Anoctopus stopped talking.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Nine Out of Ten
The boy went back to his home in Como, with his family. He hadn't told anyone about the octopus incident. One day his tutor gave him the task of composing a story, to test how his Latin was coming along.
The boy spent a long time on his story. He told it in the first person singular. He told of how, on a holiday with his family in Naples, he had ventured far out onto a reef and engaged in a mighty tussle with an octopus that was trying to drag him down into the sea, and of how he had eventually escaped.
He was pleased with his story, and so was his tutor.
A well told story, said the tutor. It is grammatically correct in every way, containing well chosen and evocative adjectives and adverbs, while all the verbs are properly placed at the end of each sentence. I shall award you nine out of ten. If the story had not been so ridiculously fanciful, you would have got ten out of ten.
Ooh! said Lavender. That's MEAN!
Woaah! said Baby Pierre. But your story was TRUE!
Yes, said Gaius. It was.
How do we know? said Anoctopus. We only have your word for it.
We know because the story is that the story was true, said Gaius.
Wup! said Anoctopus. Well said, old natural historian from Como! May I ask whether you are the famous Pliny the Elder?
I am, said Gaius, modestly.
So you know a lot about volcanoes? said Anoctopus.
More than I care to, said Gaius, if you include my last brush with one.
I am currently studying volcanoes, said Anctopus. Have you by any chance read The Twenty One Balloons?
The boy spent a long time on his story. He told it in the first person singular. He told of how, on a holiday with his family in Naples, he had ventured far out onto a reef and engaged in a mighty tussle with an octopus that was trying to drag him down into the sea, and of how he had eventually escaped.
He was pleased with his story, and so was his tutor.
A well told story, said the tutor. It is grammatically correct in every way, containing well chosen and evocative adjectives and adverbs, while all the verbs are properly placed at the end of each sentence. I shall award you nine out of ten. If the story had not been so ridiculously fanciful, you would have got ten out of ten.
Ooh! said Lavender. That's MEAN!
Woaah! said Baby Pierre. But your story was TRUE!
Yes, said Gaius. It was.
How do we know? said Anoctopus. We only have your word for it.
We know because the story is that the story was true, said Gaius.
Wup! said Anoctopus. Well said, old natural historian from Como! May I ask whether you are the famous Pliny the Elder?
I am, said Gaius, modestly.
So you know a lot about volcanoes? said Anoctopus.
More than I care to, said Gaius, if you include my last brush with one.
I am currently studying volcanoes, said Anctopus. Have you by any chance read The Twenty One Balloons?
Bay of Naples
My story begins, said Gaius, many hundreds of years ago. It is about a young boy who went to the Bay of Naples with his family for a holiday. The boy, being adventurous and a budding natural historian, spent much of his time wandering alone on the reefs looking into rock pools and peering into crevices.
One day he was standing at the edge of a lonely reef staring absently out to sea when he felt something slimy wrapping slowly around his ankle. He looked down, and was astonished to see that a giant octopus had grabbed hold of his leg with one of its tentacles and was trying to pull him into the water.
I know what's going to happen! cried Lavender. It's a girl octopus. She wants to marry you!
How do you know it's me? asked Gaius.
We all know it's you, said Anoctopus.
Gaius looked at Baby Pierre. Baby Pierre nodded.
Alright, said Gaius. It' me. But it wasn't a girl octopus wanting to marry me. At least I didn't think so at the time.
How did it look? asked Anoctopus.
Large, said Gaius, and extremely frightening.
That's what I like to hear, said Anoctopus. This is shaping up to be a true story.
Wait, said Gaius. You haven't heard it all yet. The boy made a mighty effort to drag himself free of the octopus. Eventually he succeeded. The octopus slid back into the water and disappeared.
Shame, said Anoctopus.
Boring, said Lavender.
Wait, said Baby Pierre. Maybe the story still isn't finished.
Thank you, Baby Pierre, said Gaius. You are correct. The most intriguing part of the story is yet to come.
One day he was standing at the edge of a lonely reef staring absently out to sea when he felt something slimy wrapping slowly around his ankle. He looked down, and was astonished to see that a giant octopus had grabbed hold of his leg with one of its tentacles and was trying to pull him into the water.
I know what's going to happen! cried Lavender. It's a girl octopus. She wants to marry you!
How do you know it's me? asked Gaius.
We all know it's you, said Anoctopus.
Gaius looked at Baby Pierre. Baby Pierre nodded.
Alright, said Gaius. It' me. But it wasn't a girl octopus wanting to marry me. At least I didn't think so at the time.
How did it look? asked Anoctopus.
Large, said Gaius, and extremely frightening.
That's what I like to hear, said Anoctopus. This is shaping up to be a true story.
Wait, said Gaius. You haven't heard it all yet. The boy made a mighty effort to drag himself free of the octopus. Eventually he succeeded. The octopus slid back into the water and disappeared.
Shame, said Anoctopus.
Boring, said Lavender.
Wait, said Baby Pierre. Maybe the story still isn't finished.
Thank you, Baby Pierre, said Gaius. You are correct. The most intriguing part of the story is yet to come.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Rules of Engagement
We octopi, said Anoctopus, have our own way of judging the truth of a story. It doesn't matter if the story tells of fictional or impossible events. We judge it true if and only if an octopus is the hero of the story.
Do you indeed? said Gaius. Most interesting. I suppose most octopus stories present the octopus as the villain.
They do, said Anoctopus. And that annoys us. The story you've just heard is a favourite with us. It was told by the Eyak Indians, of the Copper River Delta, in Alaska.
How come you think the octopus is the hero? said Lavender. He gets killed by a whale.
But look at what he achieves, said Anoctopus. He abducts a woman, lectures her uncles and brothers about killing octopuses, and fathers two octopus children, who turn into heroes as well, when they kill the whale for revenge.
But, said Baby Pierre, the two young octopuses are half human. So they aren't proper octopus heroes.
Yes they are, said the octopus. You don't understand the rules of engagement. The existence of two octopus children who disappear back into the sea and are never seen by humans again is a victory for the octopi.
I think we must agree that octopi and humans have different ideas of what constitutes a hero, said Gaius. And, for that matter, what constitutes the truth. Does any one want to hear another octopus story?
No, said Lavender. Octopus stories suck.
Nor me, said Baby Pierre.
But I have one, said Gaius. It's a good one, and you must judge whether its true or not, and who is the hero.
Tell, said Anoctopus.
Do you indeed? said Gaius. Most interesting. I suppose most octopus stories present the octopus as the villain.
They do, said Anoctopus. And that annoys us. The story you've just heard is a favourite with us. It was told by the Eyak Indians, of the Copper River Delta, in Alaska.
How come you think the octopus is the hero? said Lavender. He gets killed by a whale.
But look at what he achieves, said Anoctopus. He abducts a woman, lectures her uncles and brothers about killing octopuses, and fathers two octopus children, who turn into heroes as well, when they kill the whale for revenge.
But, said Baby Pierre, the two young octopuses are half human. So they aren't proper octopus heroes.
Yes they are, said the octopus. You don't understand the rules of engagement. The existence of two octopus children who disappear back into the sea and are never seen by humans again is a victory for the octopi.
I think we must agree that octopi and humans have different ideas of what constitutes a hero, said Gaius. And, for that matter, what constitutes the truth. Does any one want to hear another octopus story?
No, said Lavender. Octopus stories suck.
Nor me, said Baby Pierre.
But I have one, said Gaius. It's a good one, and you must judge whether its true or not, and who is the hero.
Tell, said Anoctopus.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I Don't Think it's True
You're in luck, said Gaius. It happens that I found a tin of biscuits on the beach this evening.
Baby Pierre and Lavender looked at one another.
It's Ageless's tin of yam biscuits, said Lavender.
Yam biscuits! said Anoctopus. Let me try one.
He took a tiny yam biscuit from the tin with one of his tentacles and inserted it carefully into his beak.
Ahuchhghh, he said, trying to swallow the crumbs without choking. Anyone else want one?
No thanks, said everyone else.
Well, I'll get on with the story, said Anoctopus:
The octopus was becoming more and more like a man. He said to the woman, let's go and visit my brothers in law. What's happened to my octopus? said the woman. They went to visit the brothers in law.
One day the octopus went out to sea. He made a big mistake and picked a fight with a whale. The whale killed him.
The woman went back to the sea to visit the octopus's relatives. A short time after that she died.
When the young octopuses grew big they decided to get their revenge. They went into the sea looking for the whale. They fought the whale and killed it. They killed it for their mother's brothers.
After that they went back to the sea for good and their uncles never saw them again.
That's the end.
Anoctopus looked at his audience. So, what did you think of my story?
You said it was true, said Lavender. I don't think it's true.
Neither do I, said Baby Pierre. Octopuses don't turn into men. They don't cook seals by lying on them.
What about you? said Anoctopus, looking at Gaius.
I should like to hear why you claim it is true, said Gaius.
Aha, said Anoctopus. You are no fool. I'll be happy to tell you the reason.
Baby Pierre and Lavender looked at one another.
It's Ageless's tin of yam biscuits, said Lavender.
Yam biscuits! said Anoctopus. Let me try one.
He took a tiny yam biscuit from the tin with one of his tentacles and inserted it carefully into his beak.
Ahuchhghh, he said, trying to swallow the crumbs without choking. Anyone else want one?
No thanks, said everyone else.
Well, I'll get on with the story, said Anoctopus:
The octopus was becoming more and more like a man. He said to the woman, let's go and visit my brothers in law. What's happened to my octopus? said the woman. They went to visit the brothers in law.
One day the octopus went out to sea. He made a big mistake and picked a fight with a whale. The whale killed him.
The woman went back to the sea to visit the octopus's relatives. A short time after that she died.
When the young octopuses grew big they decided to get their revenge. They went into the sea looking for the whale. They fought the whale and killed it. They killed it for their mother's brothers.
After that they went back to the sea for good and their uncles never saw them again.
That's the end.
Anoctopus looked at his audience. So, what did you think of my story?
You said it was true, said Lavender. I don't think it's true.
Neither do I, said Baby Pierre. Octopuses don't turn into men. They don't cook seals by lying on them.
What about you? said Anoctopus, looking at Gaius.
I should like to hear why you claim it is true, said Gaius.
Aha, said Anoctopus. You are no fool. I'll be happy to tell you the reason.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
