Reasons To Scowl

Roo-kai hears the plop.

He paddles back to the rock where he left Terence.

What if? thinks Roo-kai.

What if Quarz's promise was empty?

What if Terence has fallen in?

What if he overbalanced, due to the weight of the medal?

And whose fault would that be, and whose respon.....?

Wah! A wailing drifts over the water.

Roo-kai paddles faster.

Splosh splosh.

Terence! cries Roo-kai. What's the matter?

Wah! drifts across the dark water again.

At least he isn't lying on the bottom, thinks Roo-kai.

He reaches the rock. Terence is leaning forward, wailing.

Get back! says Roo-kai. I thought you'd fallen into the water.

I can't fall into the water, says Terence. I'm protected.

What then? asks Roo-kai.

He asked me to dip him in the water, says Terence.

Quarz did? asks Roo-kai.

So I did it, says Terence. And I dropped him.

You didn't mean to, says Roo-kai.

He said he was super cool, says Terence. 

So you DID mean to, says Roo-kai.

Kind of, but he hasn't come back yet, says Terence.

I'll poke about a bit, says Roo-kai. Where exactly did you drop him?

There, says Terence. Where you're standing.

I can feel something pointy, says Roo-kai.

He dips his long beak into the water, and come up with.....nothing.

That was my present, says Terence.

I'm sorry, says Roo-kai.

Instead of a horse. says Terence.

I know, says Roo-kai.

Maybe that means I can get horse now, says Terence.

I doubt it, says Roo-kai.

They head back to the camper, Terence scowling as Roo-kai lists all the reasons.

Plop Of Supercooled Ice

And what does happen next?

Terence wobbles, the same as before.

He addresses his crystal.

You are rubbish, says Terence.

It's to do with the medal, says Quarz. Not so much me.

My medal? asks Terence.

My medal, says Roo-kai. Take it off. It's why you're off-balance.

I can't, says Terence. Because of the velcro. You do it.

What with? asks Roo-kai.

My advice, says Quarz, is to find another activity. Where are we?

Cobar, says Roo-kai. But it's the middle of the night.

Cobar, says Quarz. Cobar, Cobar....

Are you remembering something? asks Terence.

Ja, says Quarz. I'm from Broken Hill, but we do get tourists. Sometimes they talk about places they've been.

Such as Cobar? says Roo-kai.

Ja, says Quarz. An old gold and copper mining town. There's a disused quarry and swimming spot. We should go there.

Terence can't go there, says Roo-kai.

He will not fall in, says Quarz. I guarantee it.

Yay! cries Terence. I will not fall in! Let's go there!

So against Roo-kai's better judgement, they go there.

It is night so the water in the open cut swimming spot is black, with dark rocky edges.

Quarz is less visible here.

I'll just have a paddle, says Roo-kai. 

We'll watch you, says Terence.

He sits on a rock at the edge of water, with Quarz.

Did I balance? asks Terence. I can't remember.

Nein, says Quarz. We came here instead. Do you like it?

Can I put my toes in? asks Terence. 

I don't see why not, says Quarz. 

Terence edges forward.

He knows that he will not fall in.

Is it cold? asks Quarz, suddenly.

I don't know, says Terence. 

Dip me, says Quarz.

Why? asks Terence. Are you asking for trouble?

I want to feel it, says Quarz. The ancient Greeks thought I was a form of supercooled ice.

Okay, says Terence. He picks up Quarz and leans forward to dip him in the black water.

Plop!

Plop? 

That did not sound right.

Rhymes With Farts

Sweezus and Gaius are trying to sleep in the back of the camper.

Terence is making clanging noises.

Shush! says Gaius. 

I keep falling over, says Terence. 

Go outside, says Gaius. But don't go too far from the camper.

Yay! says Terence.

Take Roo-kai with you, says Gaius.

Thanks, says Roo-kai. 

Terence climbs down from the camper, clutching his crystal.

Roo-kai follows.

Over there, says Roo-kai. 

He points to a tree and a lamp post.

The leaves cast moving shadows. 

Try now, says Roo-kai.

Terence stands on one leg, and wobbles.

Hold the crystal up to the light, says Roo-kai.

Terence holds it up to the light.

It's got a FACE! says Terence, before falling over.

Let me see, says Roo-kai. Yes, it looks angry. 

That's why it's not working, says Terence.

Put it down, says Roo-kai.

Terence puts it down on a tree root.

Ask it, says Roo-kai.

What's your problem? asks Terence.

Not like that, says Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence, I'll explain everything to it. Then ask it.

He lies on his front, face to face with the crystal.

I'll explain everything to YOU! says the crystal.

Woo! says Terence. Go on.

What is your name? asks the crystal.

Terence, says Terence.

And are you a fine specimen? asks the crystal.

No, you are, says Terence.

But is it not a generalisation? asks the crystal.

You've lost him, says Roo-kai. He thinks you're a spaceman.

My point exactly, says the crystal. He has strayed from the particular to the general, and then insulted me with a mispronunciation.

I agree, says Roo-kai. Terence, your crystal feels insulted.

Sorry, says Terence.

There, says Roo-kai. Terence is sorry. What would you like him to call you?

Quarz, says the crystal.

As in quartz? asks Roo-kai. That's not very particular.

It's German, says Quarz. For quartz. That's why I like it. It's subtle.

 It's a good name, say Terence. It rhymes with farts. So I won't forget it. 

Try and balance now, says Roo-kai.

Terence stands up and transfers his weight to one leg.

It will be interesting to find out what happens.

Happy With Small Imperfections

In the front, Sweezus and Gaius talk about lifestyle choices.

Terence is in the back with Roo-kai.

I wish we were there already, says Terence.

You just used your wish! says Roo-kai.

Not counted, says Terence. I didn't ask my spaceman.

He holds the spaceman up level with his eyes.

You knew that, didn't you, he says to the spaceman. 

Why are you calling your crystal a spaceman? asks Roo-kai.

What Gaius said, says Terence.

Roo-kai thinks back to what Gaius said.

Each oxygen being shared between two tetrahedra etcetera.

But before that. He had called it.....a fine specimen!

Specimen, says Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. 

Spess--ee--men, says Roo-kai.

But they're joined at the bottom, says Terence.

There's an E in the middle! says Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence. Spacey-man. Happy?

Roo-kai decides to be happy, with this small imperfection.

When are we getting there? asks Terence.

We're almost in Cobar, says Gaius. We'll pull over and sleep for a few hours when we get there.

I'll practise my balance, says Terence. I can't while we're moving.

I'll help you, says Roo-kai. 

Spaceyman will help me, says Terence.

Who's spaceyman? asks Gaius. An imaginary friend?

This guy, says Terence, waving his crystal.

The fine specimen, explains Roo-kai.

The penny drops.

Where geology is concerned, says Gaius, exactitude of nomenclature is important. However, in this case, I find Terence's inexactitude amusing. Ha ha! A spaceyman! An appropriate inexactitude, seeing the crystal is shiny and pointy.

Sweezus agrees. Yeah, that's funny.

The crystal itself begs to differ.

A Fine Spaceman

They drive through Wilcannia.

They do not stop there.

We'll push on to Cobar, says Gaius.

Is that where the frogs are? asks Terence.

Not the ones we seek, says Gaius. But night draws on. 

This reminds Terence of his crystal.

Where is it? asks Terence.

Here, says Roo-kai.

Good isn't it, says Sweezus. Three crystals stuck together.

May I see? asks Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. But don't make a wish.

I have no intention of making a wish, says Gaius.

Terence hands the crystal to Gaius.

A fine specimen, says Gaius. 

Terence adds that to his store of knowledge about his new crystal. 

The atoms are linked in a continuous framework of silicon-oxygen tetrahedra, says Gaius. And the interesting thing about that is...

Terence does not add this to his store of knowledge.

No kidding, says Sweezus, when Gaius has finished his explanation of what the interesting thing is.

Because, says Terence, I want the wish.

If it's a wishing crystal, says Roo-kai, there should be more than one wish available.

But they get trickier, says Terence. And there might just be one.

Don't wish for a horse, says Sweezus.

Bumhole! Sweezus has wrecked it! Now he can't wish for a horse.

Roo-kai sees from the look on his little cement face what Terence is thinking.

Crystals are for healing, says Roo-kai. 

Hey, yeah! says Sweezus. I've heard that. Different colours for different types of healing.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

Nonsense, says Gaius.

Look it up, says Sweezus. It might take his mind off the horse.

All right, says Gaius, getting out his smart phone. Ah yes, the clear crystal can be used for improving your  balance.

Bank balance? asks Sweezus. 

Ha ha, says Gaius. I think not. I imagine this refers to life balance.

I can balance already, says Terence.

It doesn't mean that, says Sweezus.

You don't know, says Terence. 

It means finding a balance, says Sweezus. Like if you only think about work and never have any fun, or if you only have fun and never think about work, that's a bad lifestyle balance.

Well put, says Gaius.

What about me? asks Terence. What do I never do?

Think, says Sweezus.

He means think about it, says Roo-kai. Not that you don't do it.

Terence thinks about it.

Then gives up. He gazes at his new crystal which is shiny and pointy even if it doesn't do anything. 

It's a fine spaceman. 

To Ponder The Quondong

The milk shakes are finished.

I might stay and have another Jamaican Surprise, says Verlaine.

It won't be a surprise, says Arthur

We must go, says Gaius.

Or the quondong pie, says Verlaine.

They leave him pondering.

Gaius and Sweezus get into the camper. 

Can I go in the red car? asks Terence.

No, says Wittgenstein. It's a two-seater.

You and me, says Terence.

You're an infant. You'd have to ride in the back, says Wittgenstein.

Okay, says Terence.

But there is no back, says Wittgenstein.

Get in the camper, says Sweezus.

Terence and Roo-kai get into the camper.

We'll meet in Dubbo, says Gaius.

Dubbo it is, says Wittgenstein.

He starts the engine of the red Mazda Miata, Arthur jumps in. They zoom off.

What was that about a bullet? asks Wittgenstein.

He shot me, says Arthur. We'd had a big fight.

How old were you? asks Wittgenstein.

Can't remember, says Arthur. But my mother came to Paris and took me home on the train.

What was the fight about? asks Wittegenstein.

Who was the best poet, says Arthur.

A strange way to resolve it, says Wittgenstein. 

Arthur agrees that it was.

In the camper the horse problem re-surfaces.

When is Christmas? asks Terence.

When you get your present, which you've already got, says Sweezus.

That's only half of it, says Terence.

He still wants a horse, says Roo-kai.

Wait, says Terence. Did you mean Christmas was over?

It may as well be, says Gaius. We are not in a position to celebrate it this year.

Do you normally? asks Sweezus.

Not really, says Gaius. Do you?

No way! says Sweezus. I lie low. Same as at Easter.

I understand why you might wish to lie low at Easter, says Gaius. But Christmas can be joyous.

Yes, says Terence. Because of the presents.

And seeing your family, says Gaius. If you have one.

I miss my family, says Roo-kai.

Boo-hoo, says Terence. I don't miss mine. I do miss my horse though.

There is no horse, says Sweezus.

Christmas Wishing Crystal

But it isn't a horse.

What is it? asks Terence.

A triple quartz crystal, says Sweezus. 

You said a horse, says Terence.

I think you'll find I didn't, says Sweezus. It was because it wasn't a horse that you got it.

Not exactly, says Wittgenstein. There was no horse for it not to be.

That's what I meant, says Sweezus. Not a horse is the same thing as no horse. 

Not at all, says Wittgenstein. No horse means that there is no horse, not a horse means it's something other.

Like a rock, says Terence. 

In this case, says Wittgenstein.

Yeah, well do you like it? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Terence, I do like it. Now I've got a rock and a medal.

My medal, says Roo-kai.

I know, says Terence. You can have it back when my horse comes.

Your horse isn't coming, says Sweezus.

Not yet, says Terence. When's Christmas?

Sweezus looks at the calendar app on his phone.

It doesn't matter, says Gaius. As if we could take a horse to Taree!

Yeah, says Sweezus. We can't take a horse to Taree.

There'll be horses there, says Verlaine. It's the country.

THIS is the country, says Terence.

But it's not Christmas yet, says Sweezus.

Arthur is shaking his head.

Or ever, adds Sweezus. That crystal was it.

Perhaps it will turn out to be a wishing crystal, says Verlaine. For good boys, good things happen.

Not always, says Arthur.

That was many years ago, says Verlaine. And the bullet was removed, with no adverse consequences, was it not?

Arthur says nothing. 

Perhaps not, says Verlaine.

Yay, says Terence. A wishing crystal!

Perhaps not, says Sweezus.

A Confusion Of Horse

Verlaine has finished his Jamaican Surprise.

Are you staying in Broken Hill? asks Gaius.

Yes, until after Christmas, says Verlaine. Are you staying?

No, says Gaius. We must push on. Frogs to count and so on.

Then I must amuse myself it seems, says Verlaine.

There's these cool sculptures, down Nine Mile Road, says Sweezus. And qu....

He stops before mentioning the quartz outcrops, in case Terence is listening.

But Terence isn't listening.

He is examining Roo-kai's new medal.

Can I try it on?

Yes, says Roo-kai.

Terence lifts the medal on its ribbon from the neck of Roo-kai, and tries to force it over his own cement curls.

Don't force it, little buddy, says Sweezus. You'll rip the ribbon.

There is an opening at the back, says Verlaine. For use in the case of chevaliers who are not parrots, or other bird species. 

And indeed, there is a tiny opening at the back, that closes with velcro.

Now Terence is wearing the medal.

What's a chevalier? asks Terence.

A knight, says Gaius.

That is, a noble person who rides a horse, says Wittgenstein. Just in case you were thinking it was a certain time of day, to be specific, the time when most of us are sleeping, although not those of us who are rigid.

That's not always the case, says Sweezus

You will have thoroughly confused him, says Gaius.

A sleeping horse! cries Terence.

Quad erat demonstrandum, says Gaius. 

Do I get a horse? asks Terence.

It's not your medal, says Arthur.

Do I get a horse? asks Roo-kai.

A big one? says Terence.

No, says Verlaine. The French government does not like to draw too much attention to its Chevaliers des Clandestines.

I can understand that, says Roo-kai.

But Roo-kai got a present and I didn't, says Terence.

Who's wearing it? asks Roo-kai.

But Terence looks sad.

I've got you something for Christmas, says Sweezus, relenting. 

Yay! cries Terence. What is it? When can I have it?

After I've washed it, says Sweezus.

Terence brightens. After he's washed it! 

It must be a horse!

Jamaican Surprise

The Frenchman approaches their table.

Arthur sucks his Mars Bar milkshake noisily, through a red straw.

It is many years, says the Frenchman, directly to Arthur.

It is, says Arthur. Is that a wrapped fish?

Do not fear, says the Frenchman. I have only this one.

Arthur shrugs. 

He did not want a dead fish fight.

Hey, says Sweezus. 

Hey, says Terence.

Won't you join us? says Gaius. The milk shakes are supposedly traditional.

Not the Fruit Tingle, says Wittgenstein.

The Frenchman sits down.

He looks at the shakes menu, and considers.

Mais oui, he will try a Hawaiian Delight. Mais... non... a Jamaican Surprise.

But first, a question.

Have any of you seen a parrot?

Yes! says Terence. I've seen a parrot.

Bien! says the Frenchman. And may I ask where you have seen the parrot?

Yes, says Terence.

Where? asks the Frenchman.

Over there, says Terence, pointing at Roo-kai, near the door.

That is no parrot, says the Frenchman. You think to tease me?

No, says Gaius. The oystercatcher is Terence's parrot, Roo-kai.

Merveilleux! cries the Frenchman. Roo-kai! I have found him! Call him here. I have something to give him.

Roo-kai! calls Terence.

Roo-kai hops over.

What is it? asks Roo-kai.

I am Paul Verlaine, says the Frenchman. I am here on behalf of the president of France.

Really? says Arthur.

Oui, says Verlaine. I have given up the poetry, and the dissolute life style and now work for the French government. 

I'm not going back, says Roo-kai.

You are not required to, says Verlaine. Au contraire, I'm here to present you with a medal. 

He draws a small box from his pocket. 

Opens the box.

Inside lies a bronze medal on a red white and blue ribbon.

You are hereby elected to the order of Chevalier des Clandestines, says Verlaine. 

Roo-kai looks at his medal. 

Is that a parrot? asks Roo-kai.

We thought you were a parrot, says Verlaine. 

And I'm now a Chevalier? says Roo-kai.

Oui, says Verlaine. 

He lifts the medal from the box, and places the ribbon round the neck of Roo-kai.

Congratulations, says Verlaine.

I am honoured, says Roo-kai.

Now I'll try that Jamaican Surprise, says Verlaine.

Budgie's Blood

It's a good crystal that Arthur has spotted, and Sweezus prised out.

More like three crystals, joined together, thrusting upwards, with many smooth facets, some catching the sun.

Coolio! says Sweezus. I'll give this to Terence.

It'll be wasted on Terence, says Arthur. 

Yeah, probably, but at least it was free, says Sweezus. Who was that woman?

Just some woman, says Arthur. She knew about the sculptures. Each one tells a story.

What does that one tell? asks Sweezus, pointing towards a large rock, left natural on one side and sculpted into an abstract shape on the other.

It's up to you to work out, says Arthur.

It looks like a nose, says Sweezus.

Maybe to you, says Arthur.

What's up? asks Sweezus.

There's this French guy in Broken Hill, says Arthur. Supposedly looking for a parrot. The woman told me.

So what? asks Sweezus, picking specks of dirt from the crystal.

I think I know him, says Arthur. And he knows me.

In a good or a bad way? asks Sweezus, licking a finger and spit polishing a facet.

Bad, says Arthur. It's Verlaine. He was buying a fish.

Verlaine? says Sweezus. Didn't he nearly kill you that time?

Yes, says Arthur. That's him.

Yeah well, we have to meet Gaius and the others at the Milk Bar, says Sweezus. But then, we'll all head out of town.

Okay, says Arthur. 

They drive back down Nine Mile Road to Bell's Milk Bar.

The camper is parked outside.

They enter Bell's Milk Bar, which looks like an  old-fashioned milk bar, with original chrome fittings, 1950s music and fifty traditional flavours of milk shake.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Terence and Roo-kai are established inside.

Guess what this is? says Terence.

Hello little buddy, says Sweezus. Dunno, strawberry?

Budgie's Blood! says Terence.

Bodgie's Blood, says Gaius. But never mind. Where have you been?

Avoiding a Frenchman with a fish, says Sweezus. 

Easy to do, I imagine, says Wittgenstein.

Not that easy, says Arthur. He might be looking for me.

Never mind, says Gaius. He's not in here. Why not order a milk shake? 

Sweezus orders a Peppermint Eclair milkshake.

Arthur orders the Mars Bar.

Mine is a Snow Cap, says Gaius.

This one's a Fruit Tingle, says Wittgenstein. Not quite what I expected.

Roo-kai is sipping water from a bowl near the door. 

The door opens and in walks a Frenchman. thinning on top, moustache, skinny, carrying a package.

Time And Light

I'll look for quartz crystals, says Sweezus. You look at the sculptures.

He heads off towards a quartz outcrop.

Arthur heads for a rock.

It's a rock on a rock.

Perhaps it's a sculpture.

Perhaps it's a rock on a rock.

Great, aren't they, says a woman, in a blue bucket hat.

Great, says Arthur.

And to see them out here, says the woman. Amazing. Each one tells a story.

Is this one of them? asks Arthur.

Yes, says the woman. It's all about balance. My favourite's the one over there.

She points to an upended sandstone, carved into chunky angles.

Angles of the Sun and the Moon, says the woman.

That's what it looks like, says Arthur.

It measures time and light, says the woman. Have you lost someone?

No, says Arthur. 

You keep looking behind you, says the woman. 

That's my friend over there, says Arthur, indicating Sweezus at the outcrop. He's looking for crystals. I should go and help him.

He won't find any good ones, says the woman. 

But I might, says Arthur.

He wants to get away from the woman.

But she follows.

Are you French? asks the woman.

Yes, says Arthur. 

There's a French guy in Broken Hill who's looking for a parrot, says the woman.

Is there? says Arthur.

Yes, says the woman. Just thought I'd tell you.

Thanks, says Arthur. What does he look like?

Thinning on top, moustache, skinny, says the woman.

Where was he? asks Arthur.

In the supermarket, says the woman. Buying a fish

That sounds like him, mutters Arthur.

He heads over to the quartz outcrop.

Look! says Sweezus. What do you reckon?

He holds up a dirty rock crystal with uneven terminations. 

Needs some work, says Arthur. What about this one?

He has seen something glinting nearby. He kicks it.

Ouch. 

Sweezus prises it out.

Into The Living Desert

Arthur returns from the supermarket, with a large salad container.

What'd you get? asks Sweezus.

Cheese slaw, says Arthur. 

Never heard of it, says Sweezus.

It's a Broken Hill special, says Arthur. Cabbage, carrot, cheddar cheese.

Like, what, they invented it? says Sweezus.

That's what they said in the deli, says Arthur. 

Cabbage and cheese, says Sweezus. Any dressing?

Arthur takes the lid off the container and examines the cheese slaw.

Looks like it, says Arthur. Dig in.

What with? asks Sweezus.

Fingers, says Arthur.

They eat the cheese slaw with their fingers. 

It's kind of okay.

Did you see any gift shops? asks Sweezus.

Wasn't looking, says Arthur. 

Terence wants a present, says Sweezus.

Why? asks Arthur, licking the dressing from his fingers.

This guy called Dazza told him it was Christmas, says Sweezus.

Dazza, says Arthur. What would he know?

Yeah, but it soon will be, says Sweezus. Next week. I can't pretend I've forgotten.

It's not like it's Terence's birthday, says Arthur.

True, says Sweezus. Anyway, we've got two hours to kill. Wanna help me look for a gift shop?

You've got all week, says Arthur. 

Okay, says Sweezus. What then?

Twelve k's down Nine Mile Road, there's the Living Desert Sculptures, says Arthur.

Bet they're heaps lame, says Sweezus.

And a mine site, says Arthur. And quartz outcrops. 

Okay, says Sweezus. If I find a good piece of quartz there I'll give it to Terence.  

They get in the Mazda Miata and head off down Nine Mile Road.

Perhaps the sculptures will not be heaps lame.

Perhaps they'll find a cool piece of quartz.

Perhaps we'll find out why Arthur, who is not into desert sculptures or quartz, really wanted to go there.

Understanding The Present

We must be off, says Gaius. Thanks again, Dazza.

No worries, says Dazza. Good luck at the border.

Thank you, says Gaius. 

And have a good Christmas, says Dazza.

Hum, says Gaius. You too.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Terence and Roo-kai exit the pub and climb into the camper.

Wittgenstein will be driving.

Now, says Gaius. Before you start, Ludwig, would you mind calling Sweezus again?

Wittgenstein calls Sweezus's number.

Yeah, what's up? says Sweezus.

Gaius wants a word, says Wittgenstein.

He hands Gaius the phone.

Is Arthur there? asks Gaius.

He's at the supermarket, says Sweezus. 

Never mind, says Gaius. What was it like at the border?

Sweet, says Sweezus. We didn't even have to make a declaration. 

That is good news, says Gaius. We're just leaving Yunta. We'll be at Broken hill in just over two hours.

Can I talk to him? asks Terence.

Terence wants a word, says Gaius.

Cool, says Sweezus. Put him on.

Guess what? says Terence. It's Christmas. And I get a present.

Who told you that? asks Sweezus.

Dazza, says Terence. 

A present, says Sweezus. 

He didn't say a present, says Terence. 

It's a week away, says Sweezus. 

Don't forget, says Terence.

Sure, little buddy, says Sweezus. See ya.

Yay! says Terence, as Gaius takes back the phone, and returns it to Wittgenstein's pocket. I get a present.

From Sweezus? says Gaius.

YES! says Terence. I asked him.

You didn't ask him, says Wittgenstein. You said I get a present. Consider what that means.

No need for that sort of conundrum, says Gaius. 

What does it mean? asks Terence.

The present could be coming from anywhere, says Wittgenstein. Someone else may have bought it.

That would be good, says Terence. 

Not if they haven't, says Wittgenstein. And Sweezus assumes that they have.

Wah! cries Terence. Then I don't get one!

Exactly, says Wittgenstein. You must think about what you're saying

Not necessarily, says Gaius. 

Yes, necessarily, says Wittgenstein.

I mean that he won't necessarily not get one, says Gaius.

Do I get one or don't I? asks Terence.

Don't worry, you will get one, says Roo-kai.

(Everyone should have such a parrot).

More To Is Than Its Isness

Yunta.

This is me, says Dazza, parking the camper outside the pub.

You've been most helpful, says Gaius. Can I buy you a drink as a thank you?

Thanks mate, says Dazza.

They all go inside.

Dazza! says someone. What brings you here?

Givin' these fellas a lift, says Dazza. 

Gaius orders two cold beers and a soft drink for Wittgenstein, who will henceforth be driving.

Where're they headed? asks Dazza's acquaintance.

Broken Hill. Then on to Taree, says Dazza.

Might be queues at the border, says the acquaintance.

Yup, says Dazza. But Taree's where the frogs are.

Particular frogs, explains Gaius.

He places the drinks on a table.

What do I get? asks Terence.

A squash, says Gaius. He goes back to the bar to buy Terence a squash.

It's the wrong colour, says Terence.

It is what it is, says Dazza.

Wittgenstein sighs.

There is so much more to is than just isness.

Like, what is the wrong colour? Should he come out with it?

No. He has other things to consider,

Sweezus and Arthur have basically hijacked his car. And he can't get in touch with them.

Nor can Gaius.

Why the long face? asks Dazza.

I should have got Sweezus's number, says Wittgenstein.

Do you have the number of someone who knows it? asks Dazza.

A clever suggestion, says Gaius. What about Vello?

Of course! says Wittgenstein. He calls Vello.

What is it? grumbles Vello.

I need Sweezus's number, says Wittgenstein.

Why don't you have it? asks Vello. Hasn't he ever called you? Look at your recents.

Just give me the number, says Wittgenstein. He's gone off in my car.

Ha ha! laughs Vello, and gives him the number.

Wittgenstein calls Sweezus.

Hey! says Sweezus. Where are you guys? 

Yunta, says Wittgenstein.

Yunta! says Sweezus. We're nearly at Broken Hill. What's the hold-up?

We're on our way, says Wittgenstein.

Have they crossed the border? asks Gaius.

I suppose so, says Wittgenstein.

That will be due to Arthur, says Gaius. We may not be so lucky.

I'm DEFINITELY not lucky, says Terence, staring hard at his pale yellow squash.

Where Trees Look like Sausages

The Mazda whizzes through Yunta, without stopping.

Arthur is regretful.

 Got any snacks? asks Arthur.

Dunno, says Sweezus.

Wittgenstein took the Pringles, says Arthur.

Bummer, says Sweezus. Gaius had snacks.

What did he have ? asks Arthur.

Muesli bars, lettuce, an onion, says Sweezus. Shall we let them catch up?

No, says Arthur. I like going fast. What's the next town and how far away is it?

Tikalina, says Sweezus. An hour.

He accelerates. 

Arthur is getting hungrier. 

The trees look like sausages. The creek beds, like bacon. The rocks look like oysters.

Water? says Sweezus.

Thanks! says Arthur. Are we there yet?

Not yet, says Sweezus.

......

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Dazza. But be ready. Blink and you'll miss it.

I won't miss it, says Terence. 

He never blinks, says Roo-kai.

You don't say, says Dazza. He'd be good at that game.

What game? asks Terence.

The blinking game, says Dazza. You stare at each other and see who blinks first.

Who wants to play it? asks Terence.

No one, says Wittgenstein.

Do I win something? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. Because you could be said to be cheating.

Can he close his eyes or can't he? asks Dazza.

Yes, says Terence. Watch me.

He tries, and gives up fairly quickly.

Let's have a different competition, says Terence. Who sees Yumbo first.

It's not Yumbo, says Dazza. 

This is the next verse of my song, says Terence. Yumbo! Where is Yumbo? People who blink do not know!

It's Yunta, says Dazza.

Where? asks Terence.

We're not there yet, says Dazza.

You're going to be said to be cheating, says Terence.

Inadequate Country Wisdom

This is Dazza, says Roo-kai. He's going to drive us to Yunta.

Wonderful, says Gaius.  Does he have a license?

Course I've got a licence, says Dazza. 

And you haven't been drinking? asks Gaius.

No, says Dazza. Nice camper.

It belongs to a friend of a friend, says Gaius.

A girl, I reckon, says Dazza. Judging by the flowers.

The friend of the friend is, says Gaius. The friend isn't.

Was it one of the guys in the Mazda Miata? asks Dazza.

Yes, says Gaius. One of them. They are our colleaugues. The Mazda Miata is a hired car.

How come? asks Dazza. 

Ludwig wanted to hire a two seater, says Gaius. 

I'm Ludwig, says Wittgenstein. Can we get going?

Dazza gets in, turns the key, revs the engine, and gets going.

He does not drive quickly.

Can we trouble you to drive faster? asks Wittgenstein.  

We'll get there when we get there, says Dazza.

That's good, says Terence.

Dazza looks at Terence in the rear view mirror.

Yeah, says Dazza. That's what I reckon. It is what it is.

Is that some of your country wisdom? asks Wittgenstein.

Is everything what it is? asks Terence.

Yep, says Dazza. Always.

Hah! says Terence. What am I?

A kid, says Dazza. 

Right, says Terence. What's my parrot?

There is no parrot, says Dazza. Only an oystercatcher. You can't trick me.

That's enough, says Gaius. How will you get back from Yunta?

Bazza, says Dazza. He'll come and get me. But I might hang about a bit in Yunta.

Is it a big town? asks Wittgenstein. 

Used to be bigger, says Dazza. The gold rush, the railways....

He IS a parrot, says Terence. Ask him if he's a parrot.

Dazza, looks pained.

He thinks he knows a parrot.

Are you a parrot? asks Dazza.

Currently, yes, says Roo-kai.

What does that mean? asks Dazza. 

Your country wisdom is inadequate, says Wittgenstein. 

Dazza decides to change the subject.

Where are you guys headed, after Yunta?

Broken Hill, says Gaius. Then Taree.

You goin' over the border? asks Dazza. Got your papers?

Papers, what papers? asks Gaius.

Vaccination certificates and permissions, says Dazza. Negative test results. All that stuff.

Curses, says Gaius. Will you drive faster? I need to catch up to Arthur.

Is he stopping in Yunta? asks Dazza.

I don't know, says Gaius. And I don't have my phone, so I can't call him.

Dazza looks across at Wittgenstein.

I don't know his number, says Wittgenstein.

Jeeez! says Dazza.

Bazza And Dazza

Quiet town, says Wittgenstein.

Something'll be open, says Arthur.

They drive through slowly, past the rotunda and steam train.

 Hotel, says Wittgenstein. Pity we're driving.

We're not both driving, says Arthur.

He pulls up and goes into the bottle shop, coming out with a six pack.

Here, says Arthur. Have a drink. And some Pringles.

Wait, says Wittgenstein. What will you have?

Same as you, says Arthur. Don't worry, I won't lose my license.

Sorry, says Wittgenstein. You're not drinking and driving.

Okay, says Arthur. We'll just wait here a while.

They open the cans, and the Pringles.

And so it is that they are still outside the pub when the campervan pulls in behind them.

Sweezus gets out.

You guys! says Sweezus. Drinking and driving.

Do we look like we're driving? says Arthur.

No, says Sweezus. And you're not going to. I'll drive the Mazda. Gaius'll have to drive the camper. 

You and me, says Wittgenstein.

Me and Arthur, says Sweezus.

But I hired this car, says Wittgenstein. I'm responsible...

Don't worry, says Sweezus. And you'll like being in the camper. Terence is heaps entertaining.

So it is decided. Sweezus goes into the pub for two bottles of water.

Then he and Arthur set off towards Yunta.

Cool car, says Sweezus. 

He puts his foot down. 

I didn't tell him I don't have a licence, says Arthur.

Yeah, good one, says Sweezus.

Wittgenstein climbs into the camper.

Are you driving? asks Gaius.

No, you are, says Wittgenstein.

This puts me in bit of a spot, says Gaius.

Don't you have a licence? asks Wittgenstein.

Hum, let me see, says Gaius. I don't usually.....

He pulls out his wallet.

Ah yes, It might be a bit out of date, though.

Never mind, says Wittgenstein. It's only till Yunta. 

No, says Gaius. I won't risk driving without a current license.

So we're stuck here in what's-this-place, says Wittgenstein. Until I blow sober.

Drat, says Gaius.

Maybe I can help, says Roo-kai.

You are a bird, says Wittgenstein.

A parrot, says Terence. He can do anything.

Thank you, says Roo-kai. 

Except drive a vehicle, says Gaius.

Fear not, says Roo-kai. Just give me a moment.

He hops out of the camper, and into the pub.

Anyone willing to drive us to Yunta? asks Roo-kai. We have our own van.

A few punters perk up on their bar stools.

Maybe Dazza, says one. 

Has he got a license? asks Roo-kai.

Yeah I have, says Dazza. when're you leavin'?

Now, says Roo-kai. Wait, have you been drinking?

No way, says Dazza. This is mineral water. How'll I get back?

I'll come 'n get ya, says another punter. Just text me.

Thanks Bazza, says Dazza.

Thanks Bazza and Dazza says Roo-kai.

No worries. We look after each other in the country, says Bazza.

See ya, says Dazza. Don't put too many away, Bazza.

As if, says Bazza, winking unreliably.

Roo-kai is not sure about Bazza.

But there have to be limits, and he has decided to set his at Dazza.

 

Lettuce Pretend

Roo-kai pretends to be enjoying his lettuce.

More lettuce? asks Gaius.

Thank you, but no, says Roo-kai.

Go on, says Terence. No one else wants it.

Too right, says Sweezus. 

I expect it reminds you of seaweed, says Gaius.

Not me, says Sweezus.

Roo-kai, says Gaius. 

In looks only, says Roo-kai. 

They have long since passed through Port Wakefield, which appeared to be closed.

Terence continues to add to his song

o no it's a kimodo not a commodo I can't go so I'll open the drawers

That makes no sense whatsoever, says Sweezus.

A commodo is drawers, says Terence.

And drawers are underpants, says Gaius. It's quite clever really.

See, says Terence.

Enjoying the trip, Roo-kai? asks Sweezus.

I usually fly, says Roo-kai.

....

The Mazda Miata has sped through Port Wakefield and entered some hills.

Everything looks brownish-yellow. Except for the sky which is blue.

Do you drive? asks Wittgenstein. 

I have done it, says Arthur.

Meaning? asks Wittgenstein

(he seems keen on meanings)

I drove Katherine's car once, says Arthur. 

Katherine? David's mother?

That's her. It made a low squealing sound when she put the brakes on. So she asked me to test it.

And did it still make the squealing sound? asks Wittgenstein.

Not for me, says Arthur. 

Would you like to drive this one? asks Wittgenstein. 

Okay, says Arthur.

They stop and change seats.

Wittgenstein is about to find out why Katherine's car did not squeal with the brakes on.

In less time than expected, they pull into Peterborough.

They look for a café.

It's a week day, but the cafés are closed.

Before I Explodo

Why is that funny? asks Terence.

Commode? says Roo-kai. It's a kind of dragon. 

That's a kimodo, says Gaius. 

Which doesn't rhyme with explode, says Roo-kai. 

Explodo, says Terence.

Or road, says Sweezus. 

Roado, says Terence.

Do you know what a commode is? asks Gaius.

Nodo, says Terence. 

Are you going to keep doing that? asks Sweezus.

What's a commodo? asks Terence.

You mean a commode, says Gaius. It's a seat with a concealed chamber pot in it.

What's a chamber pot? asks Terence.

A potty, says Sweezus. Babies pee in them. They...

I know, says Terence. Now I get why it's funny.

Good , says Gaius. But did you know that a commode can also be an ornate chest of drawers?

No kidding? says Sweezus. 

A popular piece of furniture in the eighteenth century, says Gaius. A commode. From the French commode, and the Latin commodius.

Want to hear the rest of my song now? asks Terence.

Roado roado stop the car there's a commodo I need to pee before I explodo, o no it's a dragon kimodo...

That's enough! says Gaius. How about we all have a snack while we're driving. Muesli bar, Sweezus?

Thanks, says Sweezus.

What can I have ? asks Terence.

Black currant Fruit Box, says Gaius. And I'll have an apple.

What about me? asks Roo-kai.

Will lettuce suit you? asks Gaius.

.....

While they refresh themselves, let us visit the Mazda Miata where the conversation is sure to be more intellectual.

Wittgenstein: I look forward to surfing.

Arthur: I bet you do.

Wittgenstein: Interesting you should say I bet you do

Arthur: And not what?

Wittgenstein: Not me too.

Arthur: That's your thing, is it?

Wittgenstein: Meaning?

Arthur: Trapping the fly in the fly bottle.

Wittgenstein: No, you have the wrong end of the stick.

Arthur: Let it out then.

Wittgenstein: The stick? Why would there be a stick in the fly bottle?

Arthur: I'm not saying there would. I was thinking more of the fly.

Wittgenstein: And what is the fly in this scenario?

Arthur: A confusion of meaning.

Wittgenstein: While letting it out is the key to understanding.

Arthur: Did people really come to your lectures?

Wittgenstein: You bet they did.

Well.

This is a bit TOO intellectual. 

And we're not even close to Port Wakefield.

Why don't we head back to the campervan, where Roo-kai is enjoying his lettuce.

Ode To The Road

Gaius's phone rings again.

Ring ring.

Ageless answers. What now?

It's SA Health here, please turn on your face app.

It's on, says Ageless.

Why do you look like a unicorn? asks the officer.

Personal reasons, says Ageless. Wait a minute I'll fix it.

He fiddles.

How about now?

You have antennae, says the officer. What's that about?

Excuse me a moment, says Ageless.

He scrambles down from the window sill, and scuttles across to the table.

He stands in front of the devil's ivy. 

Is this better?

Can't see the antennae, says the officer. And I can see you're at home. But, do you need a doctor?

No, says Ageless. Thank you.

He is doing his best to sound like Gaius.

It's good that it worked this time, says the officer. It fails occasionally.

I know. Did I pass? asks Ageless.

Yes, sir, says the officer. Only two days to go, then you'll regain your freedom.

Good, says Ageless.

The call ends. The officer laughs.

Funny guy, that Gaius.

Ageless laughs also.

That went well. 

.......

The camper turns onto Portrush Road, and heads north

I take it you know where you're going? says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Port Wakefield, Peterborough, Yunta, Broken Hill. Six hours driving.

Six hours! says Terence. Without stopping?

Except for toilet breaks, says Sweezus.

Terence looks at Roo-kai.

I'll keep you amused, says Roo-kai.

Go on, says Terence.

Let's play what-if, says Roo-kai.

What if we don't? says Terence.

Then we don't, says Roo-kai.

That was me playing, says Terence. Keep going

I've got one, says Sweezus. What if  Ageless has the unicorn app on when SA Health calls?

That's just what I fear, says Gaius. And what if the dratted thing works and I'm rumbled?

And yeah, says Sweezus, what if they send someone round to check on you in person?

This is a STUPID game! says Terence.

I agree, says Roo-kai. What if we sing a travelling song?

Yes! says Terence. Me first: 

Road, road, six hours of road! Give us a toilet break before we explode!

Not yet, surely, says Gaius.

It's a SONG, says Terence. And it's not finished. What else rhymes with road?

Commode, says Gaius.

Everyone laughs except Terence.

Ageless In Unicorn Mode

Arthur gets into the Mazda Miata with Wittgenstein.

Sweezus will be driving the camper.

Wait, says Gaius. I haven't left Ageless instructions.

He gets down from the camper, and goes back inside.

And I haven't brought any food either, thinks Gaius, as he reaches the kitchen.

Passionate noises come from somewhere near the window. 

crik...crikk...ahh...ooh...make it longer...beloved.... it can't be any longer!

Probably Ageless has switched on the unicorn app again, thinks Gaius. I won't interrupt him.

He goes into the pantry and grabs a few items.

A couple of oranges, an apple and an onion. A packet of muesli bars, unopened. 

Mineral water, from the fridge. A blackcurrant Fruit Box. And a few leaves of lettuce in a lidded container. 

A knife. And a pencil.

He goes back outside.

Arthur and Wittgenstein have driven off already.

They wanted to get going, says Sweezus. We said we'll meet up in Broken Hill, at the Milk Bar.

Very good, says Gaius. It was lucky I went back in. I'd forgotten to bring anything to sustain us.

What'd you bring? asks Sweezus. 

Fruit, muesli bars, water, says Gaius. 

Cool, says Sweezus. Did Ageless get his instructions?

No, says Gaius. He was occupied with Kobo.

Occupied, says Sweezus. In what way?

I didn't look, says Gaius. But I believe he was in unicorn mode.

Far out! says Sweezus. Hey, why don't you call him and see.

But he has my phone, says Gaius. 

Use mine, says Sweezus, handing it over.

Gaius keys in his own number.

Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring.

He's not picking up, says Gaius.

Keep trying, says Sweezus.

At last, an answer. 

Hello, this is Gaius, rasps Ageless .

Ageless it's me.

Is it? croaks Ageless. 

Yes. I forgot to give you instructions. In two days time, I want you to post my phone to the Post Office in Taree.

Certainly, says Ageless. Arghh!

Very funny, says Gaius. Please switch over to Face Time.

Nu...uh...uh...criiiiikkkk! utters Ageless, after which everything goes silent.

The Red Roadster

Ding dong. It's the doorbell. 

Gaius opens.

Hey, Gaius! says Sweezus. You remember Ludwig?

Of course, says Gaius. From some time ago.

Good to see you again, says Wittgenstein. Was it.... at the paintball?

I think not, says Gaius. I generally avoid paintball. It was most likely digging for fossils.

Ah yes, it was fossils, says Wittgenstein. 

Have you brought the vehicles? asks Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. That's us there. He points to the road.

It's bin day! says Gaius. 

Shit, sorry, says Sweezus. Want us to move them?

Bring the camper into the driveway, says Gaius. Leave the red one on the road. 

Sweezus goes back to bring in the camper.

Gaudy, says Gaius.

Meaning? says Wittgenstein.

Colourful, says Gaius. Painted gaily with flowers.

Easy to follow, says Wittgenstein.

Indeed, says Gaius. How do you like frogs?

Silent, says Wittgenstein.

Then you will be in your element, says Gaius. We'll be looking for dead ones.

I thought we were going surfing, says Wittgenstein.

Not in Taree, says Gaius. It's seventeen kilometres from the coast.

That's where my little roadster will be useful, says Wittgenstein.

You hired it? asks Gaius.

Always wanted to drive a little reds sports car, says Wittgenstein. 

Hum, says Gaius. You must have a job to get in it.

I did, says Wittgenstein. Until I set the seat back.

Sweezus has brought the gaudy campervan into the drive.

Arthur and Terence have come out to see it.

Are we sleeping in it? asks Terence.

It sleeps four, says Sweezus. Midge says it's heaps comfy.

Four. But Terence makes five.

You don't sleep, says Sweezus. 

I still want a bed, says Terence.

I won't be using mine much, says Arthur.  You can have it.

And there's a one man tent, says Sweezus. In the back there. 

So everything's sorted.

Gaius gets his back pack. 

Arthur grabs his.

Terence gets into the camper, with his parrot, Roo-kai 

Wittgenstein folds himself into his little Mazda Miata.

Rolls down the window. Who's coming with me? 

Me! says Terence.

But he isn't allowed to.

Crik...Crikk

Good news, says Arthur. Ludwig's hiring a car.

Wittgenstein's coming? says Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. He wants to learn surfing.

That IS good news, says Gaius. Will it be big enough?

I suppose so, says Arthur. There's only you, me, him and Sweezus.

And me, says Terence. And Roo-kai.

I'll call him again, says Arthur.

He calls Sweezus again.

Yeah bro? says Sweezus.

This car Ludwig's hiring, says Arthur. Does he know Terence is coming?

It's a two seater, says Sweezus.

Bit tight, says Arthur.

Sporty, says Sweezus. Yeah I bet Terence wants a turn in it.

A turn, says Arthur. Aren't we all going together?

Yeah, says Sweezus. No worries. I called Midge as well. She's bringing her van over. 

SurFink? says Arthur.

Nah, she's got a new one, says Sweezus. It's like, a proper camper. 

Is she coming? asks Arthur.

Nup, says Sweezus. We're borrowing it. We just have to pay for the petrol.

Great, says Arthur.

And clean it, says Sweezus.

When? asks Arthur.

At the end, says Sweezus.

I mean when do we get it? asks Arthur. And the two seater.

This arvo, says Sweezus. We'll come round. We can head off tonight. See ya.

......

More good news, says Arthur. We're getting two vehicles, a two seater and a camper.

Excellent! says Gaius. When?

This afternoon, says Arthur.

Yay! cries Terence.

I must pack, says Gaius.

He hastens to his bedroom, and starts opening drawers.

...

Ageless looks at Kobo.

We'll soon be alone, my beloved.

With Gaius's phone, says Kobo. You can turn on the unicorn face app.

You liked that? asks Ageless.

Kobo, who is normally cool and creamy, turns a bit pinker.

Crik..crikk.. says Ageless.

Not yet, be patient, says Kobo.

I can be patient, says Ageless. As long as...

Don't fiddle with it, says Arthur. You might lose the settings.

Too Old For Surfing

Arthur calls Sweezus.

What's up? says Sweezus. When are we leaving?

Any time. We just need a vehicle, says Arthur.

Ask Midge, says Sweezus. She's got that big van.

I'm not sleeping in that, says Arthur.

You don't have to, says Sweezus. But the rest of us can. 

Okay, says Arthur. You ask her. I'll ask Katherine.

No way! says Sweezus. She'll want to come.

Not surfing, says Arthur.

Yeah, no, she's too old for surfing, says Sweezus. But I bet she likes frogs. And what if Margaret finds out we're going?

Okay, says Arthur. I won't ask Katherine.

Hang on a minute, says Sweezus. 

Arthur hangs on.

He hears a muffled conversation.

if Im cmg id lk to mk a cntbn

naa yewellok

hracarhwwdthtbe

brilliant! hey Arthur.!

What? asks Arthur.

Ludwig's gonna hire us a car.

Great, says Arthur. Who's Ludwig?

You remember, says Sweezus. Wittgenstein. I'm interviewing him for Velosophy. He wants to learn how to surf, so he's coming.

And he's paying? asks Arthur.

Yeah he's paying, says Sweezus.

And is he double vaxxed? asks Arthur.

Yeah I reckon, says Sweezus. 

And does he have the vax certificate on his phone? asks Arthur.

Shit Arthur, I don't even have that, says Sweezus. Have you tried to download it?

No, says Arthur. 

Isn't Gaius still in quarantine? asks Sweezus.

We've got round it, says Arthur. Ageless is controlling his phone.

Like that's going to work, says Sweezus. 

You should see how he looks on the face app, says Arthur. I set it up so he looks just like Gaius.

Geez, Arthur, says Sweezus. 

He sounds quite admiring.

Arthur likes that.

Vigorous And Thrusting

Excellent, says Gaius. What do you think, Roo-kai?

Assuming I'd be under pressure, says Roo-kai, and have many home quarantiners to get through, I believe I'd find Ageless convincing. 

As long as he stands in front of the devil's ivy, says Arthur.

Yes, he must, says Roo-kai.

Remember that, Ageless, says Gaius.

Ageless is not paying attention. He is looking at Kobo.

What is she thinking? He can't see her face.

Beloved, says Ageless. How is it?

Better, says Kobo, But I don't trust it. It is vigorous and thrusting.

I know, says Ageless. I sent it sprawling, with little effect. 

You could buy time, says Kobo, by crushing the end with your pincher.

Dearest, says Ageless. One of my claws is a crusher, the other a pincher. Make up your mind.

AGELESS! says Gaius. Are you listening?

Yes, says Ageless. 

What must you remember? asks Gaius.

Turtle, hair and beauty feature, says Ageless. And wear a red woolly hat.

I knew you weren't paying attention, says Gaius.

Stand in front of the devil's ivy, when answering the phone, says Arthur.

You expect me to remain on the draining board? says Ageless. Near the taps? With a smart phone?

I'll move the ivy, says Gaius. Pity. It's been doing well there.

He moves the devil's ivy to the kitchen table. 

Now, says Gaius, we must plan our route to Taree. Arthur?

Fly to Sydney, then fly to Taree on a regional airline, says Arthur.

Hum, says Gaius. That will be expensive, and could also be risky.

Train to Sydney, says Arthur. Also expensive. Bus is cheaper, but can take up to thirty five hours. 

Perhaps we could cadge a lift with someone, says Gaius.

Sure, says Arthur. I'll find someone.

Arthur is always reliable.

So he certainly will.

Have I Killed It?

Gaius looks again at the screen shot of Ageless, as him.

Is it convincing? asks Gaius. What do you think, Roo-kai?

Roo-kai looks at the screen shot.

Umm.... says Roo-kai.

Be candid, says Gaius.

Right, says Roo-kai. I'm going to imagine I'm a person whose job is to check whether people in quarantine are really at home. I'm very busy, at the moment, because border restrictions have changed....

You are being very thorough, says Gaius. Continue.

I call your number, you answer, says Roo-kai

Ageless answers, says Gaius.

What does he say? asks Roo-kai.

Ask him, says Gaius.

Ageless, what do you say? asks Roo-kai

Ageless is busy on the window sill, rearranging the devil's ivy, and does not reply.

Hello, says Gaius.

Are you pretending to be him? asks Roo-kai.

Of course, says Gaius. Although ideally, there should be no detectable difference.

Ageless has a raspier voice, says Roo-kai.

There's no voice recognition, says Arthur. 

I hope you're sure of that, says Roo-kai.

Get on with it, says Gaius. At this rate my time in quarantine will be finished.

Please turn on your facial recognition app, says Roo-kai.

No, says Gaius. It only works once or twice out of ten. Just take a look at this screen shot.

Very well, says Roo-kai. But normally, I'd expect you to try it.

He glances quickly at the screen shot.

Grey hair, check, round face, check, ironed-out wrinkles, check, antennae.... 

The antennae may or may not be a problem, says Roo-kai.

Get Ageless to wear a hat, says Arthur. Has he still got that woolly red one?

It should be one of my hats, says Gaius.

You've only got one hat, says Arthur. And you'll need it.

Never mind, says Roo-kai. Get Ageless to stand in front of a wall hanging or something. The antennae won't be noticed.

But Gaius does not own a wall hanging. 

Crash! 

The devil's ivy crashes onto the draining board.

Oops, sorry, says Ageless. Have I killed it?

Not at all, says Gaius. It's almost impossible to kill it.

Ageless attempts to right the devil's ivy.

He shoves it back onto the window sill, and turns. 

The devil's ivy trails gracefully downwards behind him.

A busy background. 

You cannot discern his antennae.

Slick Little Cream Bun

Show him, Arthur, says Gaius.

Ageless starts backing away.

Not your actual face, says Arthur. It's a phone app, for altering your face in your photos.

Ageless draws closer.

Arthur points his camera at Ageless.

Now, says Arthur, I'll just turn this on. What kind of animal do you want to be?

What is there? asks Ageless.

Lion, dog, pussy cat, unicorn, says Arthur.

None of which will help, says Gaius. Can he be made to look like a human?

Unicorn! says Ageless.

Arthur proceeds to make Ageless look like a unicorn.

Ha ha ! laughs unicorn Ageless. 

Let me see! says Terence.

Kobo, in the washing up water, would dearly love to see her long-time suitor as a unicorn.

Will she risk it? 

She will. She calls out:

I'm finished!

Kobo has finished her ablutions, says Gaius. I'll lift her out.

He lifts Kobo out of the sink, and places her on a tea towel.

Beloved! cries Ageless. How beautiful you are when you're dripping.

Ageless, says Kobo, come closer. Oh, how disappointing!

Did you expect me to look like a unicorn, my slick little cream bun? asks Ageless.

I'm not your slick little cream bun, says Kobo. And yes.

It's only on the screen! says Ageless. Look at it, not me. See my long horn!

Kobo is half shocked, half delighted, but judges it best to pretend to be neither.

Mm, says Kobo. 

Which is enough. 

Ageless is excited.

Come, says Gaius. Enough of this unicorn business. Try and make him look like me.

Arthur calls up turtle mode, followed by beauty mode.

Contrary to what might be expected, this has the effect of making Ageless look very like Gaius. A wrinkled turtle with the wrinkles ironed out. Round turtle eyes. All that's needed is the hair.

Will hair mode work in conjunction with turtle and beauty modes?

Could be a problem.

But no.

Arthur succeeds, where anyone else might have failed.

He looks like Gaius! says Terence. Grey hair and everything!

Let me see, says Gaius. Grey hair. Well yes, I suppose so. 

How To Alter A Face

Baby Pierre is not back yet.

He has stopped at the State Library, to see Ageless lobster.

Baby Pierre leaves his tiny bicycle in a tiny bike rack, and makes his way up the stairs.

Ageless is in his usual chair.

Baby Pierre! cries Ageless. What have you been up to?

Spying, says Baby Pierre. For the French government. I've just finished being a decoy. That's all I can say.

Are you still living at Gaius's? asks Ageless.

On and off, says Baby Pierre.

How is Kobo, my beloved? asks Ageless.

She's not happy, says Baby Pierre. There's a pot plant making its way towards her. 

A pot plant! says Ageless. How can this be?

It keeps growing in her direction, says Baby Pierre. 

In her direction! says Ageless. Can this not be remedied by turning the pot?

It's not as easy as that, says Baby Pierre. 

( he is right, it isn't; the plant is devil's ivy and it goes where it wants to )

Are you going back now? asks Ageless.

Yes, says Baby Pierre. 

I'll come with you, says Ageless.

I'm on my bike, says Baby Pierre.

I'll get the bus, says Ageless. 

See you there, says Baby Pierre

.......

Half an hour later, Ageless arrives at Gaius' house. 

Ageless! says Gaius. Come in! Baby Pierre let us know you were coming.

Where is my beloved? asks Ageless. 

In her usual position, says Gaius. On the window sill in the kitchen.

Take me to her! cries Ageless.

Before I do, says Gaius, I have a proposition. Say no if you think it's too risky.

Kobo! shouts Ageless.

Kobo hears him. 

Ooh! Ageless has come. And she is so dirty!

She hopes he will listen to Gaius's proposition while she tries to spruce up.

She rolls off the window sill and into the sink.

She's dropped into the washing up water, says Gaius. Give her a moment. My proposition is this: I need to travel to Taree, and then on up to Queensland.

Good luck with that, says Ageless.

I know! says Gaius. I need to get going before they close the borders due to the Omicron variant spreading so rapidly. But I've still got a few days of quarantine left. I have a most unreliable facial recognition app that they've given me. If I leave my phone here with you, will you control it?

Control it? says Ageless. What does it require?

A face, in this house, says Gaius.

Your face surely, says Ageless.

This is where you come in, says Gaius. With a face, as similar to mine as possible.

Gaius, says Ageless. I'm a lobster.

Yes, yes, says Gaius. But Arthur has shown me how to alter a face quite substantially.

He has, has he? says Ageless.

Right About The Wrong Person

Roo-kai has come back.

Terence has been waiting.

Guess what? says Terence.

What? says Roo-kai.

Nothing, says Terence. I thought you might not come back.

Well I am back, says Roo-kai. Is Baby Pierre back?

No he's not back, says Terence.

You were right then, says Roo-kai. Just about the wrong person.

You're not a person, says Terence.

Are you going to let me in or what? says Roo-kai.

Come in, says Terence. Gaius can't get his FACE app to work.

I was warned about that, says Roo-kai.

They enter the kitchen.

Arthur is watching Gaius shout rude Latin words at his phone.

Scurra! Ineptus! Nocens!

Guess what? says Terence. Roo-kai thinks he's a person.

He is in many ways similar to a person, says Gaius. 

I never claimed to be a person, says Roo-kai. I'm happy as a parrot. It's the perfect disguise.

This remark reminds Gaius about the spying.

Did Vello post the Express Post bag? asks Gaius.

No, says Roo-kai. He became entangled in a debate about the meaning of words, and wrongly addressed it.

This is serious, says Gaius. To whom did he address it?

The Presby, says Roo-kai. But don't worry. He realised his mistake.

And corrected it, I assume, says Gaius, and then posted it in one of those yellow post boxes?

Yellow, says Roo-kai.

He is thinking. I don't remember the post box being yellow.

He gave it to Sweezus to post, says Roo-kai. Because Sweezus was going out to buy bento.

What is bento? asks Gaius.

It means Japanese food in a box or, alternatively, I disagree with you, says Roo-kai. 

Hum, says Gaius. Did Vello have a fellow philosopher in his office?

Yes, says Roo-kai. Wittgenstein. 

Ludwig! says Gaius. An old acquaintance!

That's good, says Roo-kai. He might be coming with us to Taree. And by the way, those face apps don't work eight or nine times out of ten.

That's good news, says Arthur. So we can leave early. 

How do you conclude that? asks Gaius.

They'll just think it's not working, says Arthur.

After ten times out of ten, says Gaius, they are sure to become suspicious.

Nonetheless, the idea is tempting.

Stuff All Encrypted

Roo-kai slips out of the office and hops down the stairs.

He looks up and down the street, hoping to see Sweezus.

There he is, with the Express Post bag.

Roo-kai follows him, at a safe distance.

Sweezus stops at a post box. 

Drops the Express Post bag in.

And continues to Sushi Hub on the Rundle Mall corner.

Roo-kai catches up.

Hey! says Sweezus. Did I forget something?

Nothing, says Roo-kai.

You were checking on me, says Sweezus. 

I was, says Roo-kai. My future depends on that parcel.

To the President of France, says Sweezus. You a spy or something? What was on that camera?

As if a spy would post spy material to the President of France via Australia Post, says Roo-kai. Let alone allow a third party to post it.

Hell no, says Sweezus. Just saying.

It does all seem rather foolish, says Roo-kai. It's not my preferred way of sending sensitive information.

Yeah right, says Sweezus. He'd have his own spying department with stuff all encrypted and that. And, like, you could've sent what's on the camera directly. Job done. No third party the wiser.

You should be a spy, says Roo-kai. I'll remember all that for next time.

Next! says the woman behind the counter.

Two bento boxes, and .... you want anything? asks Sweezus.

Yes please, says Roo-kai.

And one fried oyster sushi roll, thanks, says Sweezus.

Fried? says Roo-kai.

You'll love it, says Sweezus.

He pays for his order. They head back to the office together.

I really should be getting back to Gaius and Terence, says Roo-kai.

Okay, yeah, says Sweezus. Wanna take your fried oyster sushi roll?

I'll pass, thanks, says Roo-kai. Give it to Vello. 

Bugger that! says Sweezus. Hey! When's Gaius heading to Queensland?

As soon as his quarantine period ends, says Roo-kai. He's got one of those apps now. 

They're pretty useless, says Sweezus. Facial ID doesn't work nine times out of then. Or eight, something like that. He could probably head off whenever.

I'll tell him, says Roo-kai. And by the way, he's going to be stopping off at Taree to look for Screaming Tree Frogs.

Taree, says Sweezus. Is that inland?

Could be, says Roo-kai.

Sweezus suspects that it is. 

Leaving Roo-kai, he heads back to the office to eat his bento and fried oyster sushi roll. Only then will he google Taree.

Thinking Better Of Bento

I heard that! says Wittgenstein. So you disagree that a word's use is its meaning?

Bento, says Vello.

Pardon? says Wittgenstein.

He said bento, says Sweezus. Maybe he's hungry.

I meant that to mean yes, I disagree with you, says Vello, coming out of the kitchen, with the Express Post bag.

Now that I know that, says Wittgenstein, your word has acquired a new meaning.

How very useful, says Vello. However, I'm not here to quibble.

But you were quibbling, says Wittgenstein. Or should we say performing a bento?

Do you guys even know what bento is? asks Sweezus.

Of course, says Vello.

I imagine it's some type of food,  says Wittgenstein. Since you suggested that Vello was hungry.

I'm not hungry, says Vello. I was just making a point.

You need to read my Philosophical Investigations, says Wittgenstein.

I shouldn't have to, says Vello. Sweezus will already have done it.

Yeah boss, says Sweezus. Already done it.

What type of food is it? asks Wittgenstein, who is now feeling hungry.

It's, like, Japanese, says Sweezus. Rice or noodles, fish or meat, and pickled vegetables packed in a box, in separate sections.

I like that, says Wittgenstein. It's neat and logical.

Want some? asks Sweezus. I'll head out and pick up a couple of boxes.

If you're going past an Express Post box, says Vello, you might drop this in.

Sure, boss, says Sweezus. 

He takes the Express Post bag from Vello and exits the office.

Roo-kai looks concerned.

What is it? asks Vello.

Now he knows, says Roo-kai.

Knows what? asks Vello.

You know what, says Roo-kai. That we're sending something to the French President.

But he doesn't know what, says Vello.

He saw the camera, says Roo-kai.

He doesn't know what's on it, says Vello.

President? says Wittgenstein. I thought you said it was for the Presbyterians.

I used the word to mean President, says Vello. As you see, I'm as adept at word games as you are.

Wittgenstein thinks about saying Bento, but in the end, doesn't.

Which Parts Of Surfing Are Not Facts?

Sweezus produces a pen and some scissors.

Thank you, says Vello. Now I'll keep out of your hair.

He takes the Express Post bag, scissors and pen into the kitchen 

Roo-kai follows him.

Vello begins to slit the bag open.

He can hear Sweezus, continuing the interview.

So, yeah, says Sweezus. You reckon that facts are the world?

I did, says Wittgenstein. But I don't now.

Okay, says Sweezus. Wind back a bit to when that was what you reckoned.

All right, says Wittgenstein. I was a younger man then. I thought I had the answer.

Yeah, and what was it? asks Sweezus.

It seemed to be logical, says Wittgenstein. What else could there be?

Other stuff, says Sweezus. But this is your interview. 

No, go ahead, says Wittgenstein. 

Okay like, when you're surfing says Sweezus. That's not all facts.

Which parts of surfing are not facts? asks Wittgenstein.

The euphoria, says Sweezus. And the gravel rash.

I think you'll find gravel rash is a fact, says Wittgenstein. And so is euphoria, even though it's a feeling.

Gravel rash is a feeling, says Sweezus. 

I wouldn't know about that, says Wittgenstein.

You should come surfing with me and Arthur, says Sweezus. We're heading up to Queensland in a couple of days. If they don't close the border.

Surfing? says Wittgenstein. I've never done it.

Get on with the interview! says Vello, from the kitchen. 

How's it going? asks Wittgenstein. Got it open?

Of course I've got it open, says Vello. I've taken out the camera, and I'm about to write the address on the post bag.

The Presbyterians, says Wittgenstein. Are you sending it to a particular congregation?

None of your business! snaps Vello. Oh, curses!

He has written Presby... before Roo-kai can stop him.

The b and the y will have to be crossed out. 

And how will that look to the French president?

Perhaps you could cover it with a sticker? suggests Roo-kai.

Do we have any stickers? calls Vello.

Sweezus finds an old roll of white stickers at the back of the lower drawer of the desk he is sitting at.

Lucky.

Roo-kai comes out to get it.

So anyhow, says Sweezus, continuing the interview. What do you think now that's different? 

In a nutshell, says Wittgenstein. A word's use is its meaning.

That makes sense, says Sweezus.

Not to me, mutters Vello.

The Totality Of Facts

Vello cycles back to the city. 

Roo-kai flies above him.

When Vello stops at the traffic lights, Roo-kai hovers.

Where is your office? asks Roo-kai. 

Just round the corner, says Vello. And up a few stairs. 

If you'd given me the address, says Roo-kai, I could have got there before you.

That's why I didn't, says Vello. I couldn't have you barging into the office.

I would have waited downstairs, says Roo-kai. I'm not lacking in manners.

Vello cycles round the corner, dismounts and waits for Roo-kai.

I have a guest in the office, says Vello. You may come up, but don't mention the camera.

I have no intention of mentioning the camera, says Roo-kai. But I wish to see it safely into an Express Post bag, and marked for the attention of the French President.

You call that not mentioning the camera! says Vello. 

Not another word shall  pass my beak, says Roo-kai.

Vello drags his bike up the stairs, and enters the office, where Sweezus is interviewing the guest, Ludwig Wittgenstein.

Yeah but, are you actually saying facts aren't things? Sweezus is in the middle of asking.

Wittgenstein is about to explain that the world is the totality of facts, not of things, when he notices Vello has come in with a parrot.

Of course he knows the bird he is seeing is an oystercatcher, not a parrot, but the fact is, the bird looks just like Saint Roley, whom he remembers.

Saint Roley? asks Wittgenstein.

Alas no, says Roo-kai. I am Terence's new parrot. But I have great regard for Saint Roley.

Where is he now? asks Wittgenstein.

Never mind that, says Vello. Could you just shift a bit. I need one of those Express Post bags. There might be one in the drawer.

Wittgenstein shifts. Vello opens the drawer and pulls out an Express Post bag.

He takes the tiny camera out of his pocket. Drops it in. Seals the Express Post bag.

You should've written the address on it first, boss, says Sweezus. It's heaps harder to write on when there's something in it.

Too late, says Vello. I've sealed it up now.

Allow me, says Wittgenstein. I'm always putting things in Express Post bags before I've addressed them

You mean facts, says Sweezus.

Wittgenstein looks vague for a moment.

Philosophy is one fact, says Wittgenstein. Post is another.

Sweezus writes that down in his notebook. 

The thing is, says Vello, or the fact, if you prefer, is that I can't allow you to write the address on this Express Post Bag, for security reasons.

I'll do it, says Sweezus.

Nor you, says Vello.

Slit the top, and take the camera out, says Roo-kai. You can stick it up after.

How will that look to the Pres.....oops, I mean...... ( he thinks quickly).....Presbyterians? says Vello.

Presbyterians! says Wittgenstein. Are you converting?

Never mind, says Vello. Sweezus, find me a pen and some scissors. And some sticky tape.

He seems flustered. 

Roo-kai is worried. 

President of France is one thing, Presbyterians are another.

The Natural Spy

It's not easy getting lizard blood off a sheet of paper.

Particularly if there are multiple choice questions on the paper.

Luckily, the answer boxes have not been filled in yet.

Gaius goes to the sink, and picks up his blue dish cloth. 

Vello sniffs. 

I wouldn't use that cloth, says Vello.

A clean one would leave no traces, says Roo-kai. 

You are a natural spy, says Vello.

Am I a natural spy? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. But Roo-kai is your parrot. Be happy with that.

Gaius takes a clean dish cloth from a drawer, wets it lightly, and wipes it over the paper.

How does it look? asks Vello.

A consistent beige, says Gaius. That's a lot better.

I suppose it will have to do, says Vello. 

Are you going to post it? asks Arthur.

The less you know the better, says Vello. However, I could take a photo, and send that.

You can always turn up the brightness, says Arthur. 

Which means I have wasted a dish cloth, says Gaius. 

First things first, snaps Vello. Roo-kai must fill in the answers.

Roo-kai gets to work.

A, B, A, B, A, C, D

and so on.

Until finally the form is completed.

Vello takes a photo. Checks it. Turns up the brightness. You'd never guess that it wasn't white paper.

Why did you use your own phone? asks Gaius. Wouldn't it be more efficient to use the spy camera that Roo-kai was issued? It has the submarine photos and other evidence on it.

Who's in charge here! says Vello. 

Nevertheless he picks up the tiny camera, and photographs the paper. Tclick!

Good, says Vello. That was more efficient.

My thoughts exactly, says Gaius. 

Do you have one of those Express Post bags? asks Vello. 

No, says Gaius. 

Then I'll have to go back to the office, says Vello.

I'll go with you, says Roo-kai.

No need, says Vello.

This is my future at stake, says Roo-kai. 

Come on then, says Vello. 

Off they go together, Vello shoving the tiny camera in his pocket.

Do you have a bad feeling about this? says Arthur.

I didn't, says Gaius. 

But he does now.

Upside-Down Code

Who else is here? asks Vello.

Just Arthur, Terence and Roo-kai, says Gaius. They're having blueberries and cheese in the kitchen.

Good, says Vello. 

They go through to the kitchen.

Vello is here, says Gaius.

Where are the blueberries? asks Vello.

I ate them, says Arthur. Try the cheese.

Vello cuts a thin slither.

Now what's this about W? asks Vello.

It's what we do next, says Terence, but we don't know what it is, so we can't do it.

Show me the Instructions, says Vello.

Gaius shows him the torn paper.

It's been torn, says Gaius, but the W is the last letter on the line, and the paper was torn horizontally..

Code, says Vello. 

You think so? says Gaius.

I don't think, I know, says Vello.

Then explain it, says Gaius. We need to get this mission over and done with. 

What is a W if not an upside-down M? asks Vello.

What? asks Terence.

An upside-down M, repeats Vello.

You asked what it is if it isn't, says Terence.

Ask Arthur, says Vello. I've no time for this sort of nonsense. It's an upside-down M. Trust me. 

That explains nothing, says Gaius.

In the world of spying, says Vello, nothing is straightforward. One must assemble the facts, then put two and two together.

These are the facts, says Gaius. The information that Roo-kai has gathered must be passed on to someone. We now learn that the someone goes by the code name of upside-down W.

Upside-down M, says Vello. The W is the right way up. Get your facts right.

I'm not used to spying, says Gaius.

Think top banana, says Vello.

Macron! says Roo-kai. 

Hush, says Vello. But yes, you have cracked it. The information is to be sent directly to him.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. How do we do that?

Leave it to me, says Vello. Where is the camera? And the papers? Have you completed the multiple choice questions?

Not yet, says Roo-kai. Some of them have lizard blood on them.

We must get that off! says Vello.

Front Gardens Have Ears.

W? says Gaius. Is that all?

It's torn here, says Arthur. There might be more to it.

When the mission is completed, w, says Roo-kai. Is it in English?

Yes, says Arthur, it's in English.

The rest of the instructions were in French, says Roo-kai.

Maybe w is in French, says Terence.

That's a good point, says Gaius. In fact, it is likely.

Terence is proud. He has made a good point that is likely.

Why? asks Roo-kai.

Not many French words start with w, says Gaius. Think. Do you know of any?

Le week-end, says Arthur. Le Wifi. Le whisky. Le water polo. Le wok.

Le willy, says Terence. 

But no one acknowledges this as another good point.

It's a dead end, says Gaius. W may after all be in English.

Most likely a verb, says Arthur. W meaning wait for further instructions.

That's it, says Roo-kai. I'll wait for further instructions.

Why don't we eat while we wait, suggests Gaius. Tuck in, Arthur.

Thanks, says Arthur, taking a handful of blueberries.

As soon as this wretched quarantine period is over, says Gaius, I plan to go to Queensland, but first, I'd like to stop off at Taree.

Is Taree inland? asks Arthur.

He wants to go surfing, says Terence.

I believe so, says Gaius. I won't stay there long. I wish to observe the Screaming Tree Frog otherwise known as litoria quiritatus, as it has lately been discovered that they are a separate species from the Slender Bleating Tree Frog  or litoria balatus.

Arthur takes another handful of blueberries.

He does not like the sound of Taree.

The doorbell rings.

Who can it be? Baby Pierre? No, he can't reach the buzzer.

I'll go, says Gaius.

He goes to the front door. It's Vello.

Greetings, says Gaius. We were just remarking the dearth of words starting with w in the French language.

In relation to the famous Instructions? asks Vello. 

How did you know? asks Gaius.

Let me in first, says Vello. Front gardens have ears.

Hard Duck

Baby Pierre has cycled all the way down to Brighton, and stopped at the Espy.

He has dismounted, leaned his bicycle against a post, and strolled across the road to the jetty.

He has then strolled back to the Espy.

Victor is watching, from way down the road.

( It's hard to find a parking spot near the Espy)

Baby Pierre has then performed the actions one performs when one loses one's wallet. Patting his sides, looking panicky, finally shrugging.

He has then got on his bike, and cycled slowly towards the police van.

Victor has noticed it all ( through police issue binoculars).

Baby Pierre passes the police van.

Victor is satisfied.

He has done all he can.

If spying occurred, it was elsewhere, concludes Victor.

He looks at his watch. Yes! At last! He's off duty. 

He may as well go to the Espy.

If the kitchen's not closed.

.......

Meanwhile, back at Gaius's house:

What's a decoy? asks Terence.

A type of hard duck, says Roo-kai.

Baby Pierre's pretending to be one, says Terence.

There are other types of decoys, says Roo-kai.

What type is Baby Pierre? asks Terence.

A cunning one, says Roo-kai. He drew Victor away.

Before he went? asks Terence. Where's the drawing?

Not that kind of drawing, says Roo-kai. The point is, Victor is out of the picture.

Is that why I can't see it? asks Terence. Give me a pencil. I'll draw Victor.

Not necessary, says Roo-kai. What is necessary is to get the photos and papers to the French government.

Okay, says Terence. 

And I don't know how to do that, says Roo-kai.

Maybe it was in the Instructions, says Terence.

We ripped them in half, says Roo-kai.

And we put the dead lizard in the envelope, says Terence. 

Only one half is spoiled, says Roo-kai. You're right. We must check the other half of the Instructions.

They go to the kitchen, where Gaius is placing blueberries and cheese on the table.

Arthur is sitting at the table, fiddling with a ripped envelope.

Is there anything in that? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, says Arthur, pulling out a half sheet of paper.

What does it say? asks Roo-kai.

"When the mission is complete, w" says Arthur.

W? says Roo-kai.

Decoy Shoots Out And Turns Left

Victor has removed Terence's ankle bracelet.

Now I can go where I like, says Terence.

I suggest you go back to Gaius's place, says Victor.

Are you SPYING? asks Terence.

We police don't call it spying, says Victor. We call it surveillance.

Look! says Terence. Someone's coming!

Where? asks Victor.

Arthur walks by.

Victor rolls down the window of the police van.

Afternoon, Arthur, says Victor. Not thinking of visiting Gaius are we?

Yes, says Arthur. I'm not. 

You always were a slippery customer, says Victor. I suppose by that you mean you're intending to visit Gaius.

Probably, says Arthur. Is he at home?

He's in quarantine, says Victor. He has an app on his phone.

So why are you sitting here spying? asks Arthur.

It's in regard to another matter, says Victor.

He thinks WE'RE spying, says Terence.

And are you? asks Arthur.

Not me, says Terence. I wasn't allowed. But Baby Pierre was.

Ho ho! says Victor. This is interesting. Allowed to do what, exactly?

Nothing, says Terence, remembering.

Is Terence in custody? asks Arthur.

No he isn't, says Victor.

Then can we go and see Gaius? asks Arthur.

I suppose so, says Victor. 

Terence gets out of the police van, and starts walking back to Gaius's, with Arthur.

Good disguise, says Arthur. Did he know who you were?

No, says Terence. Not till I told him. Why are you here?

I heard Gaius was going to Queensland, says Arthur. Looking for dead frogs or whatever. I'm going to go with him.

Yay! says Terence. Will Sweezus come too?

Probably, says Arthur.

I LOVE Sweezus! says Terence.

Right, says Arthur. But he and me'll be surfing.

I've got a new parrot, says Terence.

Good, says Arthur.

They are now at Gaius's front door.

The door is open.

Baby Pierre shoots out, on his tiny bicycle, and turns left at the road.

A police van immediately follows.

Gaius appears in the passageway. 

Arthur! Wonderful to see you!

Victor's chasing Baby Pierre in his police van! cries Terence.

Don't worry, says Gaius. We have the spy material. Baby Pierre is a decoy.

What's a....? begins Terence.

But Gaius has ushered Arthur into the kitchen, to offer him blueberries, cheese and coffee.

Terence will have to ask Roo-kai what is meant by a decoy.

Moustache and Towel

Victor leaves, still feeling suspicious.

He gets into his police van and drives a short way down the road. 

He stops under a street jacaranda.

And makes a call to police headquarters.

Then he settles down for a spot of surveillance.

.....

Baby Pierre is not back yet.

Should I go and look for him? asks Roo-kai.

No, says Gaius. I have a feeling Victor is suspicious. 

So what? says Roo-kai. I would only be looking.

He might follow you, says Gaius.

He's gone, says Roo-kai.

Can we be sure of that? asks Gaius.

NO! says Terence. He might have just driven his police van down the road and stopped! And now he's spying on us!

Shall I fly up to the roof and see? asks Roo-kai.

Risky, says Gaius.

He could wear a disguise, says Terence. 

What disguise? asks Roo-kai.

A moustache and a towel, says Terence.

I'm not flying up to the roof in a moustache and towel, says Roo-kai.

I'll go! says Terence.

One problem, says Gaius.

No problem, says Terence. I'll wear a disguise and walk out to the footpath and look up and down the street to see if Victor is spying.

What about the bracelet? says Gaius. 

I can take it off, says Terence. Victor said I didn't really need it.

But he has to do it, says Gaius.

That's even better, says Terence.

He runs to the bathroom and pulls down a towel. A red one.

Now for the moustache.

.....

Victor is sitting in his police van, watching for comings and goings in Gaius's vicinity.

A red figure swishes out of the gate.

The red figure comes towards him. 

Could it be a neighbour?

Could it be Roo-kai?

But no. It's that rascally Terence.

Terence approaches.

Victor rolls down the window.

What is it?

Who am I? asks Terence. 

You look like Terence in a red towel, says Victor. But what's that on your face?

My moustache, says Terence. How did you know it was me?

It's not straight, says Victor. One side is higher than the other.

I couldn't see in the mirror, says Terence.

Why are you here? asks Victor.

Can you take my ankle bracelet off? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Victor. Get in.

He opens the passenger door of the police van.

Terence climbs in.

Victor fiddles with the locking device on the bracelet.

As he has his head down, he fails to see Baby Pierre pedal past and turn in to Gaius's driveway.

What good timing.

Suspicious Successes

Roo-kai gets back first.

He lands in the back garden where Terence is kicking a ball at a tree.

Guess what? says Terence. This ball glows in the dark. But it has to be dark though.

And how did my mission go? asks Roo-kai.

What mission? asks Terence.

My SPYING mission, says Roo-kai. 

So why did you ask me? asks Terence.

I wasn't asking you what it was, says Roo-kai. 

So what did you ask me? asks Terence.

How did it GO? says Roo-kai.

How would I know? asks Terence. You went on it.

And I have returned, so what might you ask me? says Roo-kai.

How did it go? asks Terence.

At last, says Roo-kai. I'm pleased to report it was successful. We collected a great deal of evidence, both photographic and on paper.

Where is it? asks Terence. 

I don't have it, says Roo-kai. Baby Pierre has it. He'll be here shortly.

Lucky him, says Terence. I wish I went spying.

Maybe next time, says Roo-kai. You can't go spying with a quarantine bracelet on your ankle.

I can take it off when I like, says Terence.

Don't you have to wait for Victor? asks Roo-kai.

He's inside, says Terence. Giving Gaius an AP.

The back door opens, and Gaius comes out, He is no longer wearing the ankle bracelet.

Hello Roo-kai, says Gaius. How went the mission?

Is Victor still here? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, says Gaius. He's having a cup of tea in the kitchen. I see your point. We won't mention the spying.

I see you're no longer wearing the ankle bracelet, says Roo-kai.

Indeed, Victor has put an app on my phone, says Gaius. It's an improvement.

Hello-ello! says Victor sticking his head out. 

Greetings, says Roo-kai.

Did you find the Espy? asks Victor.

What Espy? asks Roo-kai. Oh, the Espy....not yet....

I'm going to have to search you, Roo-kai, says Victor.

WHY! asks Terence. He hasn't got any photos or papers.

What has he got? asks Victor.

Nothing! says Terence.

We'll see, says Victor. 

He pats Roo-kai down.

Nothing.

But this whole Espy thing is suspicious.

The Spying Went Smoothly

Baby Pierre moves to a position from which to take the photo.

He is now facing outward, and can see if anyone comes in.

Ready? asks Baby Pierre.

Roo-kai is facing inward towards the office.

He can see if anyone comes out.

No one will come out though.

There is only one door.

Tclik! Tclik!

Got it? asks Rookai.

Got it, says Baby Pierre

We should go now before anything else happens, says Roo-kai.

Nothing has happened, says Baby Pierre. Our spying went smoothly.

You got captured and escaped, says Roo-kai. Have you forgotten?

They tiptoe towards the construction shed exit.

Two men in overalls are just coming in.

Yeah, says one. I'm all for it.

What about personal freedom? asks the other.

Roo-kai and Baby Pierre look at one another. 

And duck out of the shed.

Where's your bike? asks Roo-kai. 

Here, says Baby Pierre.

He retrieves it. 

Are we keeping that paper?

Roo-kai had not intended to keep the paper, with the French instructions for drilling a hole in which to insert a periscope. But he can't go back now.

Yes, says Roo-kai. At least we have a photo to verify where it was found.

And now they can't destroy it, says Baby Pierre. Here, I'll fold it up small and put it in my back pack.

He takes the paper, and folds it up small.

To the fence! says Roo-kai.

They head to the fence. Roo-kai flies over it. 

Baby Pierre squeezes his bike through the gap he came in by.

Meet you at Gaius's, says Roo-kai. 

For a de-briefing, says Baby Pierre.

Yes, says Roo-kai. We should have a de-briefing. We made several errors.

Roo-kai flutters up and flies back towards Adelaide.

Baby Pierre checks that the camera and folded up French instructions are in his back pack.

Then he cycles away.

An alarm is going off, somewhere behind him.

A security guard, in his vehicle, approaches the gate. 

But there's nothing to see there.

Foresight Versus Hindsight

This is the situation.

Roo-kai has come out of the office, with (as he suspects) the incriminating paper.

He has asked Baby Pierre to take a photo of him with it, as evidence.

For evidence of location, Roo-kai needs a submarine in the back ground.

To accomplish this, Baby Pierre has asked him to turn round.

Roo-kai has turned around immediately.

Now the submarine is behind him. 

But so is Baby Pierre.

Baby Pierre must now make a decision.

Should he move round Roo-kai and take the photo from the doorway of the office?

Or ask Roo-kai to move back a bit?

Suddenly....

Tclik!

The signal that someone is coming! 

Did you..? asks Roo-kai.

No, whispers Baby Pierre. I didn't.

Quick, says Roo-kai. They both scramble back into the office, and hide under the desk.

Nothing happens. No one comes in. 

Are you SURE it wasn't you? asks Roo-kai.

Maybe it was me, says Baby Pierre. Did it sound like a camera?

Yes, says Roo-kai. But your tongue click signal also sounds like a camera.

That's why I chose it, says Baby Pierre.

Do you regret that now? asks Roo-kai.

We don't even know it WAS the camera, says Baby Pierre. What if it was someone else's camera?

Another spy? says Rookai.

Spying on us, says Baby Pierre. With their own camera.

If it was, where are they? asks Roo-kai. Wouldn't you have seen them?

I would have, says Baby Pierre, until you asked me to take a photo, and I had to turn round. After that, if anyone came into the shed, I wouldn't have seen them.

Check the camera, says Roo-kai. If you took a photo, that will explain the Tclik sound.

Baby Pierre checks the camera.

Photos of the half submarine, from above, indicating no periscope; and one last photo, the back end of Roo-kai.

It WAS me, says Baby Pierre. This is you from behind. 

So it is, says Roo-kai. It's not my best angle. 

Baby Pierre, wisely, remains silent.

Warning! (Tclik)

The two men in overalls walk out of the construction shed.

Now what? asks Baby Pierre.

We should check for French instructions, says Roo-kai. 

Where? asks Baby Pierre.

Drawers, says Roo-kai. We'll check over there in the office.

They head for the office. The door of the office is open. No one is in there.

You stand guard, says Roo-kai. 

Okay, says Baby Pierre. If anyone comes into the shed and starts walking this way, I'll signal.

What will it be? asks Roo-kai. 

A tongue click, says Baby Pierre. Like this. Tclik!

Good, says Roo-kai. I'm going in now.

He goes into the office.

He approaches the desk. He opens some drawers, with his beak.

The top drawer contains diagrams of Collins Class Type 471 subs, and dates when repairs were completed.

Dents on the outside, broken propellers, lost antennae, split stern planes, rusty rudders, faulty toilets etc.

None of which interests Roo-kai.

The second drawer contains a torn piece of paper, with French words on it.

The words read: Instructions de percer un trou pour insérer un périscope.

Under the words, a diagram. A hump, like the back of a whale, with a box slightly forward of centre, various measurements, an arrow.

Yes! says Roo-kai. Bring the camera!

Can't! I'm on guard! hisses Baby Pierre.

Roo-kai assesses the situation. Should he just take the paper?

But that would prove nothing.

He picks up the paper (in his beak), closes the drawer (with his head) and hurries to the door.

Take a photo of me holding this, says Roo-kai. Make sure you get that old submarine in the background.

Turn around then, says Baby Pierre.

Roo-kai turns around, and poses.

Tclik!

Which Is Why It's Not There

Roo-kai and Baby Pierre walk to the end of the half submarine.

Baby Pierre climbs onto Roo-kai's back.

Baby Pierre holds the camera.

Roo-kai rises, and flies slowly over the submarine to the middle.

No periscope. No hole. No half hole.

Baby Pierre takes several pictures.

Roo-kai flies back, and lands.

This must be the back half, says Roo-kai.

That's what I was thinking, says Baby Pierre. They wouldn't put the periscope in the back half. 

Which is why it's not there, says Roo-kai.

The French will be pleased, says Baby Pierre.

They will, says Roo-kai. And we have the photos.

There's a propeller, says Baby Pierre, and a couple of wing things. Shall I snap them?

Yes, says Roo-kai. 

Baby Pierre has no trouble snapping things with his very strong fingers.

Now what? asks Baby Pierre.

Papers, says Roo-kai. French instructions for submarine building.

Where will we find them? asks Baby Pierre.

In the construction shed, says Roo-kai. But there shouldn't be any.

I get it, says Baby Pierre. When the Australian government cancelled the contract, they were meant to give back the instructions.

Yes, says Roo-kai. Our job is to find them, if they didn't.

I LOVE spying, says Baby Pierre.

They head for a large construction shed, Baby Pierre wheeling his bicycle. 

They approach it with caution. 

Luckily. The two guards are just coming out.

False alarm, says one security guard to the other.

Yeah, says the other. Thought it would be. Reckon it's the weather.

Yeah, funny weather, says the first one.

(It's not that funny, but guards must come up with a reason).

Roo-kai and Baby Pierre tiptoe in.

A large Collins class submarine looms before them.

Should this be here? asks Baby Pierre. 

It doesn't look like the one we've just photographed, says Roo-kai.

It's longer, says Baby Pierre, and look! It's dented!

Hide! says Roo-kai Someone's coming!

They hide behind a box of propeller parts and antennae.

Two men in overalls walk by.

Dunno how this old tub's gunna go another twenty years, says one.

Least it's a job, says the other. And they're not bad old tubs. Swedish design.

Yeah, Kockums, says the first one. 

They both laugh. 

Even though they've been working on these subs since 1987, the names Kockums is still pretty funny.