Appreciating the Paleoshoreline

They climbed the wooden steps to the cliff path where Margaret pointed to a lookout with a seat.

We'll sit there for a few minutes, she said. I'll point out some of the geological features to you.

Ahuff..ahuff, puffed Le Bon David. Good idea. I could do with a seat.

Here you see something of the late Precambrian Marinoan sequence, said Margaret. Due to strongly fluctuating sea levels we see silt depositions and thin sandstone intervals along the paleoshoreline....

What's that? asked The VeloDrone.

Excuse me? said Margaret sharply. Don't you know?

No, we are not geologists, said The VeloDrone. Are you talking about those rocks down there?

Yes, said Le Bon David. Are you? Because they just look like small dull-coloured irregular rocks of no particular interest....

Shame on you, said Margaret. You must be looking at the wrong rocks!

I prefer to look at the sea, said Le Bon David. The way it heaves and swells, how it glitters and sparkles, and changes colour with the passing clouds.

David, said The VeloDrone, I have never known you to appreciate the sea.

You've never known me to have so little else to appreciate, said Le Bon David. At least at Port Elliot we saw whales. And then, there were those delicious pies....

Pies! snapped Margaret. You'll get pies! But first I'm determined to get you excited about our coastal landscape! Come on, get up! We're going down to see the Contemplation.

The Exeloo

Margaret was the bossy type.

First we'll visit the toilet, she said.

I don't need to go, said The VeloDrone. Do you, David?

No, said Le Bon David.

Nor do I, said Margaret. But a visit to the Marino Rocks Exeloo is not to be missed.

Lead on then, Margaret, said The VeloDrone.

Margaret led them around the corner to a public toilet colourfully decorated with mosaics in a triangular design with a coastal theme, featuring cliffs, walking trails, rocks, fish, boats, leafy sea dragons, seabirds, seals and a mermaid.

You see! she said, pointing to Exeloo. This wonderful artwork was completed by local residents in 2006. It is entitled Celebrating our Coast and was designed by the artist Michael Tye. The theme is the cycle of nature and the nature of edges.

The cycle of nature, said Le Bon David. On a toilet. A rare insight.

And the nature of edges, said The VeloDrone. In that case, one might hesitate to enter and sit down.

People usually say that they love the sea creatures, and the mermaid, said Margaret, disapprovingly.

We are philosophers, said Le Bon David. Not naturalists, or artists. I say! Is that a cafe over there?

It is, said Margaret, but we aren't going there.

But it's so close, said Le Bon David. We don't need to do the cliff walk to Kingston if we go there.

No no! Far too expensive! sniffed Margaret, Come on now. Up the steps! Chip chop! Unless you've changed your mind about the loo.

My Name's Margaret.

It was the day of the Field Geologists picnic. They met in the city and all piled onto the hired bus. Gaius sat next to the president. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David sat behind them.

Where are we going again? asked The VeloDrone.

Who knows? said Le Bon David, glumly. Somewhere rocky, no doubt.

He tapped Gaius on the shoulder.

Where are we going? he asked.

Marino Rocks, said Gaius. A fascinating geological site. Isn't that right? he nudged the president.

Oh yes, said the president. Very fascinating. Of course we've all been there before. Many times. Today is really all about having fun.

Gaius frowned.

Fun? said The VeloDrone. That sounds more like it. What sort of fun?

Well, said the president, we'll be looking for the spot where you can stand with one foot in the Permian and one in the Pre-Cambrian.

Oh, said The VeloDrone. Super!

........

They arrived at Marino Rocks. Everyone got out of the bus. The Field Geologists adjusted their backpacks, put on their hats and prepared to spread out. The beach was very rocky, and there was nowhere to sit down.

There's nowhere to sit down! protested Le Bon David.

You aren't supposed to sit down, said Gaius. Look at all this wonderful geology! What a spectacle! Go and spread out, like the others.

I thought it was a picnic, said Le Bon David. I'm feeling rather peckish already.

Well, eat your own picnic now, said Gaius crossly.

My own picnic, said Le Bon David. I thought I was a guest at this thing!

You are, said Gaius, but if you didn't pre-order a chicken, you had to bring your own food.

Wonderful, said Le Bon David. I haven't pre-ordered a chicken and neither has Vello. What shall we do?

I don't know, said Gaius. If it was me, I'd do without.

You invited us, said Le Bon David. Why don't you do without, and give us your chicken.

I'll share my chicken with you, said Gaius, but the picnic isn't till later.

I say, said a lady Field Geologist. I couldn't help overhearing. If you want to buy something to eat, take the cliff walk back to the caravan park at Kingston. It's that way, she added, pointing north. I'll come with you. By the way, my name's Margaret.

Unexpected Consternation

Next morning Marie and Belle et Bonne were already in the office when The VeloDrone and Le Bon David arrived.

What are you two laughing at? asked Le Bon David.

Belle sent your Baroness Susan a winking smiley face emoticon, said Marie. And the Baroness has just sent you a 'tongue out' one.

This must be stopped! cried David. It's getting out of hand!

That'll be the end of it, said Belle et Bonne. Trust me Uncle David. It's the language of emoticons.

Alright, said Le Bon David, doubtfully. But it beats me how you know about such things.

It's not much different from the old language of fans, said Belle et Bonne.

I never understood that either, said Le Bon David.

How was the Our Mob opening event? asked Marie. Did you both enjoy yourselves?

We did, said The VeloDrone. We met Auntie Josie, and had an interesting conversation with her about art. You know, she reminds me a little bit of our friend Gaius.

How? asked Belle et Bonne. Because she's an elder?

Because she's quirky, said The VeloDrone. In a good way. I can just imagine Gaius claiming that he couldn't paint a cat.

And telling everyone they ought to go home early, said Le Bon David.

Speaking of Gaius, said Marie, he called this morning with some good news. He's managed to get you both invited to the Field Geologists' picnic after all. It's this weekend. I told him you'd be coming.

The faces of the invitees expressed unexpected consternation.

What's the matter? asked Marie. I thought you'd want to go.

Painting a Cat

That evening The VeloDrone and Le Bon David went to the opening of the Our Mob exhibition.

They entered the Artspace, to be met with a grand explosion of colour largely composed of dots.

Dots, said Le Bon David. I used not to enjoy them as much as I do now.

Me too, agreed the VeloDrone. Do you think the artists have improved, or are we more discerning?

Both, perhaps, said Le Bon David. But look out there! They're serving wine and dips. And filled baguettes! And pies and sausage rolls! Let's go.

They went outside. A band played eighties music and people stood around talking, or sat at tables eating.

The speeches began. Auntie Josie gave a Welcome to Country. Then she said. It's so nice to be here and to see this lovely art. I wish I could paint, I couldn't paint a cat! Now all you people, remember to go home early, this is a bad place, especially that place over there. She waved in the direction of the casino.

A troupe of young boys danced the red kangaroo dance, the emu and the brolga dance, and the dingo dance, kicking up the red dust.

Afterwards The VeloDrone and Le Bon David found themselves standing next to Auntie Josie.

I enjoyed your speech, Auntie Josie, said The VeloDrone.

Thanks, said Auntie Josie.

You set the bar quite high, he went on. I note that none of the artists represented here has tried to paint a cat.

Auntie Josie laughed.

What would those fellers want to paint a cat for?

Coquin!

Don't worry, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne. These things happen all the time.

Not to ME! said Le Bon David. Oh this is dreadful!

What's up, David? asked The VeloDrone, coming into the office.

I've sent Susan a link to a porn site, said Le Bon David.

Good for you, said the VeloDrone. But that's not your usual style.

I didn't do it on purpose, said Le Bon David. In fact, I didn't do it at all.

You can't have it both ways, said the Velodrone.

I was hacked, said Le Bon David. And everyone's been sent the link.

I see, said The VeloDrone, grinning. Have you had any replies?

I don't know, said Le Bon David. Have I had any replies, Belle dear?

Yes, there's one from Jean Jaques Rousseau, said Belle et Bonne. Do you want me to read it?

Le Bon David nodded.

She began to read primly: Coquin! I always knew you had it in for me! Thanks to you I'm in the shit with Therese! JJR.

Haha! laughed The VeloDrone. Serves him right. Are there any more?

Professor Freud, said Belle et Bonne. He's written: Dear David! You surprise me! But better out than in!

Goodness! said Le Bon David. Whatever does he mean by that? Better out than in? Doesn't that usually refer to flatulence?

I don't know, said Belle et Bonne. But oh dear, one's just come in from your Baroness friend.

What does it say? groaned Le Bon David.

It's just a smiley face, said Belle et Bonne. That's all.

The VeloDrone roared with laughter.

A smiley face! said Le Bon David. What do you suppose it means? Did she get it or didn't she? Should I reply? I don't know what to say.

I'll reply for you, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne. Don't you worry about a thing. Now look, here's a nice invitation for you and papa to attend an opening at the Artspace tonight. Our Mob, it's called. There'll be indigenous art, speeches, dancing and refreshments. I think you should go. It'll cheer you up.

Old Boys

The fitting of electrodes to The VeloDrone's and Le Bon David's heads was not to be accomplished that night, however. The Baroness had agreed to dine with the headmaster of Saint Peter's and some Old Boys.

The headmaster came over.

Are you two Old Boys? he asked.

The VeloDrone gave him a withering look.

I thought not, said the head. Well Susan, it's time we were leaving.

Alright, said Susan. Goodbye David, and Vello. Here's my email address. We must keep in touch.

Thank you, said Le Bon David, taking her card. It was a pleasure to meet you, Susan.

Likewise, said Susan, over her shoulder, walking off with the head.

........

Next morning Le Bon David arrived at the office, to find Belle et Bonne looking troubled.

You'll never guess what's happened, Uncle David, she said. Someone's hacked into your email account, and sent horrid spam links to all of your contacts.

What does that mean, my dear? asked Le Bon David. I don't understand.

It means, said Belle et Bonne, that everyone you know has received a link to a porn site from you.

Oh well, said Le Bon David. They all know me......oh no!

What Uncle David? said Belle et Bonne.

Good heavens! said David. I've just added the Baroness to my list of contacts!

Catherine the Great

After the lecture The VeloDrone and Le Bon David joined the crowd in the reception hall to drink tea and orange juice, and eat coconut cakes. The Baroness Professor made a beeline for them.

Hello! she said. I hope you've saved me some cake.

There's precious little of it, said The VeloDrone. Only two plates. This school is obviously not as wealthy as it looks. Would you like a bite of mine, Baroness?

I think I'll pass on that, said the Baroness. But do please call me Susan.

Alright Susan, said The VeloDrone. And you must call me Vello. David of course, you have already met, inside.

Yes indeed, said Susan. Hello David. I'm really looking forward to your question.

Baroness Susan was so pleasant that Le Bon David hardly had the heart to go through with his question, but he decided to press ahead anyway.

Well, Susan, he said. You have called your talk "How can neuroscience help us understand imagination?", but you gave your talk on human consciousness, claiming that consciousness and imagination are one and the same. I would contend that consciousness and imagination are two different things.

Go on, said Susan.

For example, said Le Bon David, those platform high heels you're wearing. I would claim that they represent the triumph of imagination over consciousness.

How rude! said Susan. You will have to explain what you mean by that remark.

You mean define my terms? said Le Bon David.

Yes....NO! said Susan. Well, you have got me there, David. Now you see why I always try to disable the philosophers at the beginning of my talk. Although I do find I usually get on well with them in the real world.

Madam, said Le Bon David. You are very gracious.

Madam, said The VeloDrone, you are. You remind me very much of my old friend Catherine the Great, a brilliant scientist and a woman of great beauty.

Oh get on with you, said Susan, blushing and flicking back her pony tail. You know, she added, you two are truly fascinating. I would really like to attach electrodes to both your heads.

Hee hee! said The VeloDrone. I'm sure that could be arranged.

Neuronal Assemblies

Next evening The VeloDrone and Le Bon David arrived at the Memorial Hall in the well-kept grounds of Saint Peter's College. It was raining. They hurried inside and sat down. The hall filled rapidly with parents and members of the public.

The Baroness Professor mounted the stairs to the stage. She was wearing a short fitted dress, black stockings and black platform high heels. Her long blonde hair was side-swept into a pony tail. Everyone applauded the Baroness Professor.

Good evening, said the Baroness Professor. I'm going to speak to you tonight about human consciousness. But first I must ask, are there any philosophers in the audience?

Sensing a trap, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David kept their hands by their sides.

Hah! said The Baroness Professor. Philosophers never like to declare themselves! And that is just as well. For I have no truck with philosophers. They must always have a definition of something before they will discuss it. This is of course ridiculous in the case of human consciousness, which cannot be defined, although everyone knows what it is!

Le Bon David was cross with himself. But there was nothing he could do now. The Velodrone was miffed as well. Put in their place by a woman! But it was their own fault. They should have declared themselves when given the opportunity. This woman was cleverer than her choice of platform shoes would indicate.

The Baroness Professor spoke about neuronal assemblies, and human brains, and octopus brains, and learning to play the piano without touching the keys.

After an hour she ended her talk and agreed to take questions from the audience.

Le Bon David stood up.

David Hume, he said. I have a question.

David Hume? said the Baroness Professor. I thought this audience was free of philosophers.

No, said Le Bon David. It is not free of philosophers. At my side is The VeloDrone also known as Voltaire.

Goodness! said The Baroness Professor. Well, what is your question?

My question,said Le Bon David, is somewhat personal in nature.

I don't take personal questions, said the Baroness. But as I am intrigued by you and your friend, perhaps you would like to see me afterwards to continue our discussion over a cup of tea and a slice of coconut cake.

Thank you, Baroness Professor, said Le Bon David, sitting down.

Getting on With the Nobility

Gaius was still on his favourite subject as the president tried to steer him through the door.

Now fluorspar, said Gaius, is one of the most beautiful and highly valued of rock crystals.

Yes, yes, said the president. Mind the step!

Pompey introduced fluorspar bowls and cups to Rome after his victory over Mithridates, Gaius continued. After that it grew in popularity. Why, an ex-consul paid 70,000 sesterces for a fluorspar cup which held only three pints! He was so enamoured of it he used to chew the rim. Yet this damage only increased its value.....

You don't say, said the president. Well, well. Fluorite or fluorspar as you call it is certainly a very colourful rock crystal.

I believe, said Gaius, that it may be one day be found in Antarctica in some quantity.

You do? said the president, astonished.

I do, said Gaius. So you see, I am not the only one whose knowledge is sometimes out of date...

Goodness me! said the president.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David had reached the bottom of the steps as well. They sloped off into the dark in the opposite direction to Gaius and the president.

Hee hee! sniggered The VeloDrone. They won't get rid of him now.

No, agreed Le Bon David. But they didn't seem too keen on us.

Pooh! said The VeloDrone. Who cares! Their biscuits were less than ordinary. However, strangely, I find I have a taste for evening lectures. Perhaps we ought to look out for something more suited to our interests.

Funny you should say that Vello, said Le Bon David. I hear that Baroness Susan Greenfield is going to give a talk on human consciousness at Saint Peter's College tomorrow evening. Would you like to go to that?

Baroness, you say! said The VeloDrone. I always used to get on well with the nobility. Yes, indeed, let's attend her lecture.

That's That

Victor introduced Gaius to some of the Field Geologists.

They were impressed to learn that he was the famous Gaius Plinius Secundus, better known as Pliny the Elder.

Perhaps you would do us the honour of addressing one of our future meetings, said the club president.

Better than that, said Gaius. I shall treat you all to an impromptu lecture right now. In honour of the heroic Sir Douglas Mawson, I shall first speak of rock crystals.

And Gaius launched straight into his talk on rock crystals.

Rock crystals, he said, are found only where winter snows freeze solid, and are undoubtedly a kind of ice.....

Hang on, said the president. Did you say ICE?

Please don't interrupt, said Gaius. There will be plenty of time for questions later.

The president looked at his watch. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David looked uncomfortable. Victor showed a degree of consternation.

Rock crystal must therefore be a product of moisture from the sky in the form of pure snow, continued Gaius. For this reason it cannot stand heat, and can only be used for cold drinks.....

Excuse me, Gaius, said the president, but it seems your geological knowledge is a little out of date.

Well, of course it is, said Gaius. Do you want me to continue or not?

It's just that it's getting rather late, said the president. Perhaps you would care to join us for our annual picnic next weekend at Marino Rocks? We can continue listening to some of your fascinating....err... insights from former times while we look at the geology and afterwards eat chickens and icecreams.

Oh, said Gaius. Yes, I suppose that would be rather pleasant. What about my friends The VeloDrone and Le Bon David? Are they invited?

Are they Field Geologists? asked the president doubtfully.

No we aren't, said The VeloDrone. So that's that.

Yes, said Le Bon David. Very sorry, but that's that.

Some Good Luck and Some Bad Luck

They met Victor outside the Mawson Laboratories at five to six.

Welcome welcome! said Victor. Do come in!

Gaius was immediately drawn to the glass cases full of rocks.

Malachites! he said, pointing to some green ones.

Super, said The VeloDrone. Green ones. Let's go in and find a seat.

They went into the lecture theatre and sat down.

The lecture was about Douglas Mawson's second expedition to Antarctica, on the Aurora. It seemed that Mawson had had some good luck and some bad luck. On a secondary expedition with two of his colleagues, one had fallen into a crevasse with the sled and most of the supplies and dogs, while the other had died of food poisoning. To make matters worse, the soles of Mawson's feet had come off when he removed his socks, and he had had to to stick them back on with liniment, replace his socks and boots and trudge back to base camp by himself.

Afterwards, The VeloDrone, Le Bon David, Gaius and Victor were invited to stay for a cup of tea and plates of unadventurous bicuits with the Field Geologists.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were in high spirits.

Hilarious! said The VeloDrone.

In a black kind of way, said Le Bon David.

To lose one! said The VeloDrone.

Tragic! said Le Bon David.

But to lose both! said the VeloDrone.

CARELESSNESS! roared Le Bon David.

The Field Geologists pretended not to hear. They began chatting loudly.

Whatever are you talking about? asked Gaius. His feet?

No, said The VeloDrone. It's Oscar Wilde.

Well I don't get it, said Gaius, and wandered off to talk to Victor.

How did you enjoy the talk? asked Victor.

That fellow Mawson was a hero, said Gaius. I must see his rocks.

We don't have his socks, said Victor. But his boots are around here somewhere.

An Invitation to Geology

Everyone was leaving, except for Victor.

Sweezus and Belle et Bonne took a last ride down to Middleton, hoping to return the Mambo shorts to their owner.

Ahh, said Camus as he watched them disappear down the road. That reminds me of the days .....

Of course it does, said the VeloDrone. And that reminds me, have you finished your article for Velosophy by any chance?

I have, said Camus, I shall email it to you as soon as I get home. You'll like the ending.

The ending! That's what I've been waiting for, said The VeloDrone.

Very funny, said Camus. Well, goodbye all.

The Camus family got into their car and drove off in the direction of Victor Harbor.

Goodbye Victor, said Gaius. It was a very interesting weekend. I hope we meet again.

So do I, said Victor. I wonder if you have an interest in Geology?

Rocks! said Gaius. I certainly do.

How about your friends? said Victor, looking at The VeloDrone and Le Bon David.

Err..humm, said the VeloDrone. Rocks. Yes, yes, of course. Everything has its own particular interest. Particularly rocks.

Oh rocks, said Le Bon David. Indeed. One can learn a great deal from rocks, or so I've heard.

No truer words were ever spoken, said Victor. Well then, let me invite you to the next meeting of the Field Geologists Club. I shall be travelling to town for it on Monday. Meet me at the Mawson Laboratories at six o'clock, and I'll introduce you to my friends.

Wonderful, said Gaius. We look forward to it.

Yes, said The VeloDrone. We look forward to brushing up on rocks.

As a matter of fact, said Victor, I don't think this month's talk is going to be on rocks, directly.

What a pity, said Le Bon David. Then perhaps we needn't come.

No, no, you must come, said Victor. I assure you that you won't be disappointed.

Resolution

Gaius and Victor were inside the bakery at the front of the queue. Victor often found himself at the front of a queue. No one felt comfortable with the local policeman standing behind them.

Gaius was defending Sweezus.

You see, said Gaius, if it's all in the timing, then I shall attest that you thought he was innocent BEFORE he escaped from the back seat of the police car, and BEFORE you lost the evidence.

What? said Victor, not quite following.

What would you like, Victor? asked the girl behind the counter.

A vegetable pasty and a custard berliner, said Victor. Thanks.

You said it, said Gaius. I heard you.

And you? asked the girl.

Pardon? Oh, I'll have the same, said Gaius.

I've got his shorts, said Victor. And his bike.

Gaius gave up, and decided to try for Plan B.

Belle et Bonne came in.

Keep Victor talking, she whispered. Sweezus is here.

Tell him to escape on my bike, said Gaius.

Brilliant plan , said Belle et Bonne.

......

Sweezus was sitting outside at a table in the shade with the twins.

Tweet tweet, said Catherine. We're penguins. Let's eat a pie!

Tweet tweet! said Sweezus, half-heartedly.

Sweezus, said Belle et Bonne. Gaius says to escape on his bicycle.

No, said Sweezus. I'm staying. I've decided to be more like Frog.

Frog? said Jean. Rrriddip!

No, said Sweezus. Not that sort of frog.

Victor and Gaius came out with their warm paper bags.

Victor, said Sweezus. I'm not guilty of anything. This has all been a fiction. Do you not understand?

Of course I understand, said Victor. You can go. But those shorts must not leave Victor Harbor.

What Would Sweezus Do?

Whenever Sweezus was faced with a moral dilemma, he asked himself what Farky would do.

What would Farky do, provided he wasn't having knee reconstructions? That was easy. Farky would run.

And then Sweezus would ask himself what Frog would do, assuming he hadn't been tragically squashed. That was easy too. Frog would stand his ground.

Sweezus had just decided to take the Farky option when Belle et Bonne saw him and waved.

Come over here, Sweezie! she cried.

He was obliged to join her in the bakery queue.

Hey! she said. Nice shorts!

I borrowed them, said Sweezus. Where are mine?

Oh, Victor's got them, said Belle et Bonne. He's looking after your bike as well.

Seized it, more like, said Sweezus glumly. I suppose I'm under arrest,

No I don't think so, said Belle et Bonne. Gaius will have sorted it out. Don't worry. We're all going to have something to eat. This bakery's meant to be amazing!

Hello young Sweezus, said The VeloDrone, turning around. Nice shorts! And how were the whales?

Whoa! said Sweezus. Talk about WISE!

That's hard to believe! said Le Bon David.

No, really, said Sweezus. They were baleen whales. They don't beach themselves, because they don't have any teeth.

Lucky them, said Le Bon David. Nice shorts! Where did you get them?

Borrowed them, said Sweezus. Where's Victor? And Gaius?

Oh, somewhere around, said Belle et Bonne vaguely.

The Camus family sauntered over.

Hello! said Camus. We've come to try the famous bakery. What a queue!

Uncle Sweezus! cried the twins. Let's play penguins!

Hello Sweezus. Nice shorts! said Francine.

Sweezus sighed.

Mambo Shorts

Sweezus stood up in the shallows and looked for his shoes and shorts. He couldn't see them anywhere.

He looked up towards the carpark at the top of the steps. No one was there.

Even his bicycle seemed to have disappeared.

He climbed up the steps and looked to left and right. There was a surfer's van down one end of the carpark. He wandered over.

Hey! he said, to the half-wetsuited surfer who was fiddling with something round the back. Have you seen my bike?

Dude! said the surfer. Is your name Sweezus or something?

Yeah, said Sweezus. Well?

Those guys that were here. They said, if you came back, to meet them at the Port Elliot Bakery. They've got your clothes and your bike.

Oh brilliant, said Sweezus. That's just ...... gnarly.

Hey dude! I can see you're no grommet!, said the surfer. Wanna come out? It's gunna be epic out there.

I know, said Sweezus. I was just out there. I met these two whales.

Stellar! said the surfer.

Yeah, but I don't wanna go out again, I'm still wrinkly, said Sweezus. Where's this Bakery?

Inland, that-a-way, said the surfer. Man, you wanna borrow some shorts?

Oh! Hell yeah! said Sweezus, ever good at languages. Thanks, dude!

Sweezus borrowed a pair of Hawaiian-style Mambo shorts, and set off in the direction the surfer had pointed. It wasn't long before he reached the main road at Port Elliot and spotted a long queue of people snaking out of a building and onto the footpath. There was a delicious smell in the air. It smelled like a bakery. He thought he could see Belle et Bonne, and the others, near the end of the queue. He started walking towards them.

Then he remembered, he was potentially under arrest.

What should he do?

The Greek Philosopher Whales

Of course I've heard of beaching, said Sweezus. But I didn't know you whales were nihilists.

We're not, said the first whale. We baleen whales don't tend to believe in it. You'll find it's mainly toothed whales that go in for beaching.

That's interesting, said Sweezus. I've often thought that teeth can act as triggers for depair.

I don't believe it's quite that simple, said the second whale. But there may be something in it. When you don't have teeth you can't know such things.

The ancient Greek whales had many debates on the subject, said the first whale. Gorgias was of the opinion that nothing really exists, while Pyrrho held that everything in nature was equally indifferent. The debate centred around whether one ought to go on living, if that was the case.

And what do you think? asked Sweezus.

We believe that death comes to us all, without us having to go out and seek it, said the second whale. We may as well enjoy life while we can.

Yes, life is good, said the first whale.

But not that good, added the second.

Sweezus was impressed with the wisdom of the whales. But his feet and hands were wrinkling and he knew it was time to go.

Well, he said it's been awesome talking to you, and heaps informative. I never knew that Gorgias and Pyrrho were Greek whales. But I've got to go. I can't see my friends. I think they might've left without me.

There's always someone up there on those cliffs, said the first whale. Surfers,or whale-watchers. You can ask them where your friends have gone.

Yeah, thanks, said Sweezus. And he turned to swim back to the shore.

The Invention of Nihilism

And what brings you out here, so far from the land? asked the first whale.

A fit of pique, said Sweezus. I was angry with my companions. Especially the policeman. He was going to arrest me.

What for? asked the second whale, blowing a spout of fine spray into the air.

Hey! said Sweezus. Don't wet me!

The whales looked surprised.

Yeah yeah, said Sweezus. I'm already wet, but nose spray is different.

Blow me! said the first whale to the second whale. He thinks it's nose spray!

It's not nose spray, said the second whale to Sweezus. But I quite understand your sensitivity. Sorry.

No, my fault entirely, Said Sweezus. I'm trying to cure myself of sensitivity. That's part of the reason I'm going to be arrested.

Do tell, said the first whale.

I've lied about eating a protected pie, I've escaped from the back of a police car, I've deserted my friend and I've upset Belle et Bonne by killing a fictional penguin with a hammer, said Sweezus.

Sounds like a bad case of nihilism, said the second whale.

What do you know about nihilism? asked Sweezus, astonished.

We whales invented it! said the first whale. Don't tell me you've not heard of beaching?

Speaking in Whale

Yes, the whales did look ugly, to an outsider. They had hard white callosities on their heads, and their mouths curled up way past their eyes.

Pop! said the first one.

Groan! said the second.

Belch! said the first.

Sweezus was pretty good at languages. It didn't take long for him to figure out that the whales had a vocabulary of only three words, and the meaning was all in the tone. He soon understood what they were saying. They, for their part, had a good ear for English.

Pop! said Sweezus. Belch!

Groan! said the first whale.

The other one smiled, which lowered his eyes even further.

(Perhaps you have not have picked up whale language as quickly as Sweezus. For your benefit I shall continue to translate into English. Remember however that all parties are speaking in Whale.)

I'm sorry, said Sweezus, for saying you were ugly. It was the sight of your big white callosities.

They're not white, said the first whale. They are grey. They only look white because they are covered with whale lice.

How unpleasant, said Sweezus politely ( lowering the tone of his Belch ).

Oh, not really, said the first one. We enjoy scratching one another's callosities. I see you have a small one yourself.

I do? said Sweezus, surprised ( a rising Pop! ) Oh you mean this scab!

Is that what you call it? said the first whale. A scab! What is it for?

It's not supposed to be there, said Sweezus. I was swooped by some birds, in a field. I bled, and now I've got a scab. It'll drop off soon I hope.

Birds! said the second whale. Don't talk to us about birds! Always squawking and stealing our fish.

I thought you mainly ate zooplankton? said Sweezus.

Yes, but we sometimes feed opportunistically, said the second whale.

Sweezus decided to let that one go.

Ugly

An unexpectedly good story, Gaius! said The VeloDrone.

Unexpectedly? said Gaius, looking miffed.

Yes, agreed Le Bon David. Pity there wasn't a bicycle in it. You could have worked that up into something for Velosophy.

Thank you, said Gaius. But I do have an idea.

Go on, said The VeloDrone.

I am thinking of taking up where Sweezus left off, said Gaius. Now that he, or at least Mephisto, is back in the clink.

Not yet, said Victor, but he will be.

Exactly, said Gaius. I shall put my mind to rescuing him.

That's wonderful, Gaius, said Belle et Bonne. But I wouldn't say any more in front of Victor.

Ahem! Of course not, said Gaius. Ignore that, Victor. It's only a story.

No it isn't, said Victor. If I wasn't off duty I'd be after him right now. Look at him out there, getting closer and closer to the whales.

Oh gosh! said Belle et Bonne.

.......

Sweezus stopped swimming and came up for air. He was surprised to see that he was dangerously close to the whales.

Far out! said Sweezus, out loud. Don't eat me you guys!

Pop! said one of the whales.

Pop! Pop! Belch! said the other.

This can be roughly translated as :

This idiot thinks we eat humans, said one of the whales.

Let's give him the fright of his life! said the other.

They each turned a baleful eye towards Sweezus.

Ughh! Ugly! said Sweezus, under his breath.

Death Comes to Us All

It's not you who will find yourself back behind bars, Gaius, said Victor. Unfortunately, Mr Sweezus, I must now arrest you for escaping from the back seat of a police car before being found to have no case to answer.

Hey! said Sweezus. How can that be a crime?

It's all in the timing, said Victor.

Fuck, said Sweezus.

Never mind, said Gaius. Perhaps I'll rescue you.

But Sweezus was annoyed. He walked to the steps and down onto the beach. He took off his shoes and shorts. He made a low running dive into the nearest wave and kept swimming.

Sweezie! Come back! cried Belle et Bonne. Victor was only joking!

Actually, said Victor. I wasn't. He shouldn't have run off like that.

He'll come back when he's ready, said Belle et Bonne. He always goes swimming when he feels under stress.

Look! said The VeloDrone. He's heading for the whales!

Christ Almighty! yelled Victor. He mustn't do that!

Whyever not? asked Le Bon David.

It's not allowed, said Victor. We humans have to keep a certain distance away.

Ha ha! laughed Gaius. Are you joking again?

No, said Victor. Now he's really in trouble.

Ridiculous, said Gaius. Let me tell you a true story.

Go on, said The VeloDrone, winking at David.

A killer whale had become stuck in Ostia Harbour, during the construction. The whale had been tempted by a cargo of hides from a shipwreck. It had eaten its fill over many days and had become wedged in a furrow, so that it couldn't turn round.

Oh dear! Did it die? asked Belle et Bonne.

Yes it did, said Gaius. The Emperor Claudius decided to put on a show. He stretched nets across the entrance to the harbour, and had soldiers throw spears at the whale from ships.

How dreadful! said Belle et Bonne.

It was, said Gaius. One of the ships sank due to filling up with water from the spout of the whale.

Err, what is the point of your story, Gaius? asked Victor.

The point? said Gaius. Death comes to us all.

Back Behind Bars

Sweezus turned towards Gaius and Victor.

I don't know what the fuss is about, he said. I'm writing my Velosophy article. It's about what happened to us with the penguin pie, but the ending is different.

I don't get arrested? asked Gaius.

You do get arrested, said Sweezus. So do I. But I escape, then I come back and rescue you.

Is that what you would have done? asked Gaius. Rescued me from prison?

Interesting, said Victor. That's illegal you know.

You don't know the half of it, said Le Bon David. He hears that Nunghausen's been released and he's so disappointed that he decides to manufacture fake evidence to put him back behind bars. He even kills and cooks a baby penguin to put in a pie.

False evidence. That's illegal too, said Victor.

Who's Nunghausen? asked Gaius, looking confused.

That's you, said Sweezus. I gave you a false name to protect your identity.

Outrageous, said Gaius. It makes me sound like a GERMAN!

What's wrong with that? said The VeloDrone. Some of my best friends are German.

I fought campaigns in Germania, said Gaius. And not on the side of the Germans. I object to the name Nunghausen.

I knew you wouldn't like it, said Belle et Bonne. But what about the penguin?

Don't tell me the penguin gets a German name as well! said Gaius.

No, said Belle et Bonne. But Sweezus calls himself Mephisto. And he thinks that gives him carte blanche to kill a little baby penguin.

It's just a story, said The VeloDrone. Stop fussing about it, my dear.

Yes, don't fuss about the penguin, Belle et Bonne, said Gaius. More importantly, what happens to me now I'm back behind bars?

At Basham's Beach

Gaius and Victor were at Basham's Beach near Middleton, spotting whales. They had just seen two Southern Right Whales two hundred metres out from the shore.

Look at them, said Victor. They're loafing.

Loafing? said Gaius. How do you know?

That's what we call it, said Victor, when whales don't do anything.

I see you know a lot about whales, said Gaius.

I'm sure you do too, being a famous natural historian, said Victor.

Indeed, said Gaius. They can grow up to three hundred acres in size, and they take great delight in breeding.

Do they now? said Victor. I didn't know that.

Just then The VeloDrone, Le Bon David, Sweezus and Belle et Bonne rode up behind them and stopped.

Hi there! said The VeloDrone. We've arrived at last!

Hello Vello! said Gaius. Hello David, Sweezus, Belle et Bonne. This is Victor the policeman and well known whale spotter.

Oh I wouldn't say that, said Victor modestly. But look out there. We've just spotted two whales.

Oh look Sweezie! said Belle et Bonne. Whales! Aren't they gorgeous!

Yeah, said Sweezus. Whales are cool.

We're all very glad to hear that, said Le Bon David.

We are? said The VeloDrone. Why?

Remembering what he thinks about BIRDS, said Le Bon David. And penguins in particular, he added meaningfully.

Sweezus began to whistle tunelessly, and gazed out to sea.

What's this about Sweezus and penguins? asked Gaius.

Nothing, said Belle et Bonne.

Le Bon David frowned at her.

I think we should tell him, he said.

Denial

But Belle et Bonne was less than pleased with his composition.

Sweezus! she exclaimed. How can you do that to a poor little penguin?

I'm not DOING it, said Sweezus. I'm just writing it.

It amounts to the same thing, said Belle et Bonne. It's too shocking. I believe it's your injured head talking.

Don't remind me, said Sweezus. It still hurts. I hate birds.

Exactly, said Belle et Bonne. Let's see what papa and Uncle David think.

Sweezus recounted the story to The VeloDrone and Le Bon David.

Bravo! said The VeloDrone. I like it. Hee hee! Hitting the penguin on the head with a hammer. Now I see why you called yourself Mephisto. What's next?

Next, said Le Bon David, Mephisto will find that he has a problem.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne. He's committed a dreadful crime.

Apart from that, said Le Bon David. How is he going to get the dead penguin into a pie? Is he a pastry cook?

I was just.... I mean Mephisto was just going to smear the inside of the bag with penguin blood, said Sweezus.

No good, said Le Bon David. The penguin has to be cooked.

Alright, said Sweezus. He'll light a camp fire and cook it. No worries. As for the pastry, there are already pastry flakes in the brown paper bag from the pie he ate earlier.

Sweezus, said Belle et Bonne. That's so devious. I don't know you!

Belle et Bonne, said Sweezus. It's not ME!

The Hammer

Sweezus's mind was on fire. He rode towards Victor Harbor in front of the others composing the story in his head:

Mephisto arrived at the lockup and made some enquiries. He learned that Nunghausen hadn't been charged due to the disappearance of the evidence.

Mephisto felt cheated. He'd been planning to rescue his friend and now he couldn't. He had a sudden inspiration.

If Nunghausen had been released because the evidence was mislaid, the evidence must be found! And what had the evidence been? It had been the brown paper pie bag, smeared with incriminating minced penguin meat. Mephisto had only to produce it, and Nunghausen would be back in the lockup. THEN, he would need to be rescued.

As evening drew in, Mephisto rode his bicycle out to the island and purchased a normal meat pie, which he ate. He folded the brown paper pie bag and stuffed it into his pocket.

Later, under cover of darkness, he climbed the steps, stationed himself in front of a penguin burrow, and waited. In his other pocket, was a hammer.

Tweet! Tweet! A baby penguin came out.

Mephisto whacked it on the head with his hammer.

Waaark! went the baby penguin. It would be the last thing it said.


YES! said Sweezus. This rocks! I can't wait to tell Belle et Bonne.

The Birds

Let me get this straight, said The Velodrone. Mephisto returned to Victor Harbor to rescue his friend.

That's right, said Sweezus.

Not quite in accordance with nihilism, said The VeloDrone.

It gets worse, said Sweezus. Turns out the friend doesn't need rescuing.

That's more like it, said The VeloDrone.

Is it? asked Sweezus.

It's more negative, said The VeloDrone.

Sweezus scowled.

Has anyone got any water? asked Le Bon David, catching up.

Here, said Sweezus. I've got a bit left.

I can't drink that, said Le Bon David. I only drink tap water. Carbon footprint, you know.

I'll finish it then, said Sweezus. And you can recycle the bottle.

I've got some water, said Belle et Bonne. Here you are, Uncle David.

Thank you my dear, said Le Bon David. I say, let's take a break.

They stopped under an olive tree.

So where will the story go now? asked The VeloDrone.

A fictional rescue, or whale-watching, said Sweezus. I haven't decided. What would you do?

As a philosopher, said The VeloDrone, I would advise you to stick to the truth.

Sweezus looked doubtful. He stood up.

I'm going for a walk, he said.

He wandered off into a field.

Moody chap, said Le Bon David.

There was a sound of angry birds squawking, and Sweezus came running back.

Freakin' BIRDS, said Sweezus. They swooped me!

Oh poor you, said Belle et Bonne. There's blood trickling all down your face.

Arrrghh! said Sweezus. I can't stand the sight of blood.

Lucky you can't see it then, said The VeloDrone.

Don't worry, Sweezie, said Belle et Bonne. I'll clean you up.

I hate birds, said Sweezus.

Suddenly he stood up, looking determined.

Right, he said. A rescue it is!

Loafing

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were waiting outside.

Sweezus! said The VeloDrone. I thought you were in Victor Harbor already!

It's a long story, said Sweezus. I'm composing it now in my head. Unfortunately the plot keeps on changing.

Excellent, excellent, said the VeloDrone. You must tell us all about it on the way. I assume that you're coming?

Yes, said Sweezus. Mephisto returns to Victor Harbor! he added dramatically.

Mephisto? said Le Bon David, Who's he?

That's Sweezus, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne. He's made up this wizard name for himself, in the story.

Hardly a wizard name, said Le Bon David. More like the devil! I'm surprised at you Sweezus!

I'm dabbling in nihilism, said Sweezus.

Then call yourself Nemo, said Le Bon David.

Nope, said Sweezus, that would be mega uncool.

They got on their bikes and rode down the hill from Mount Compass in the direction of Victor Harbor.

I'm looking forward to whale-watching, said The VeloDrone. I've not done it before. Does anyone know how it's done?

I know, said Belle et Bonne. I've been following Whale Watch. What you do is, you stand on a cliff and you look out to sea, and try to spot whales.

And then what? asked Le Bon David.

Simple, said Belle et Bonne. If you spot any whales, you try and identify them, then you log in to Whale Watch. You record where and when you saw them, and what they were doing. For example they might be loafing, or flipper-slapping, or blowing.

How do you know if they're loafing? asked Le Bon David.

That's just what I was going to ask, said The VeloDrone.

So was I, said Mephisto.

We'll have to ask Victor, said Belle et Bonne.

Revelation and Reconsideration

Sweezus stopped at Mount Compass for a bottle of spring water.

He reviewed his story so far. It had got away from him somehow. Mephisto had returned to Victor Harbor to rescue Nunghausen. Was that his own conscience telling him what to do?

Hmm, thought Sweezus. Maybe I'll....

Just then a young woman entered the cafe and walked up to him. It was Belle et Bonne!

Sweezus! she exclaimed. What are you doing here?

Escaping, said Sweezus. And reconsidering.

But haven't you heard? asked Belle et Bonne. There was no case to answer. And Gaius has gone whale watching with Victor the policeman. He phoned us to tell us the news.

Whoaa! said Sweezus. I'm escaping for nothing! Well, no, not for nothing. I'm writing this killer article in my head.

Oh Sweezus! that's wonderful, said Belle et Bonne. How's it going so far?

Gangbusters! said Sweezus. I've got names for my characters and everything. It's all about this escape, and the moral repercussions and philosophical implications. I call it the Nihilist Bicyclist.

Clever you, said Belle et Bonne. And what are the names of your characters?

Gaius is Nunghausen, and I'm called Mephisto, said Sweezus. Cool yeah?

Cool, said Belle et Bonne. But I wonder how Gaius will like being called Nunghausen. It makes him sound rather......German.

Does it? said Sweezus. It just popped into my head. I thought it sounded kind of intellectual.

Let's hope Gaius does, said Belle et Bonne. Now, are you wondering why I'm here?

No, said Sweezus. I assumed you'd come to look for me.

Not really, said Belle et Bonne. I'm with papa and Uncle David. We're going whale-watching with Gaius. Want to come back to Victor Harbor with us?

Alright, said Sweezus. I'll come if you're going. I'll think out the moral implications on the way.

Come on then, Mephisto, said Belle et Bonne. Let's get back on our bikes.

The Bad Nihilist

No, Sweezus hasn't lost the plot, but his characters have taken on a life of their own:

Mephisto rode doggedly on, towards Mount Compass. A nihilist, he was examining his philosphical position. He had offered to take the blame for Nunghausen's crime, or misdemeanour. Then, having been apprehended, with Nunghausen, he had brazenly escaped, without Nunghausen. Was that consistent behaviour? No, it was not. Perhaps he should go back.

Yes, he would go back. He turned around.

Soon he was in the main street of Victor Harbor. There was the Camus family promenading on the foreshore.

Hey! called out Mephisto. Have you guys seen Nunghausen?

Who's Nunghausen? asked Camus.

You know, said Mephisto. Our friend. He was apprehended for eating a penguin pie on Granite Island.

Oh, NUNGhausen, said Camus, always quick on the uptake. I believe he's in the lockup, where he should be.

Steady on, said Mephisto. He hasn't done anything wrong and you know it.

We heard you escaped, said Francine. How come you came back?

I came back to rescue my friend, said Mephisto.

Some nihilist you turned out to be, said Camus, with a sniff.

Mephisto

We however are not interested in whale-watching. We want to know what has happened to Sweezus. Let's follow him.

Sweezus had not disappeared. He had merely ridden off quickly. He is now well out of Victor Harbor, cycling past the Urimbirra Wildlife Sanctuary. He is thinking about his brilliant escape, but he is not entirely happy.

It's good I've escaped, thinks Sweezus, but I've left Gaius in the back of a police car accused of a crime he didn't commit.

On the other hand, I've achieved my goal. I'm a full-on Nihilist Bicyclist. I'll start composing my article for Belle et Bonne and Marie.

And he began composing the article in his head:

The sunlight flickered through the trees at the side of the road. The Nihilist Bicyclist rode steadfastly on. He had left his friend in the back of a police car and escaped.

(That's a good beginning, thought Sweezus. Weather, atmosphere, a situation. Now for some philosophy.)

He had no feelings of guilt about what he had done. His friend had admitted to the crime as a joke. Or in annoyance. Whatever.

(I'd better give him a name, thought Sweezus. Not Gaius....ummm..I know, Nunghausen. Cool! What a name!)

And then he, the Nihilist Bicyclist....

(I'd better give him a name as well, thought Sweezus. Not Sweezus...ummm... yes, Mephisto, that'll do. That's brilliant! Now where was I? ).

Now where was I?

Oh no! Has Sweezus lost the plot?

The Incompetent Policeman

Aren't you going after him? asked Gaius.

I don't think so, said Victor. I imagine he's innocent anyway.

You do, do you? said Gaius. And what about me?

You're probably guilty, said Victor. As the paper bag will no doubt prove.

It will prove just the opposite, said Gaius, hotly. Make sure you don't lose it.

I won't lose it, said Victor. I'm a policeman.

You're an incompetent policeman, said Gaius. First you let a suspect escape, then you say he was probably innocent. If I were to escape would you say the same about me? No doubt you would. No wonder I'm worried you'll lose the paper bag. Where is it, if you don't mind me asking?

It's here in my pocket, said Victor. At least it was. I'm sure it was. Now what can have happened to it?

You've lost it, said Gaius. I knew it. Next you'll say I'm free to go.

You are, said Victor. Now I've lost the evidence.

Nonsense, said Gaius. You still have to write a report. You are not just dealing with any old suspect you know. I am a citizen of ancient Rome. I know all about legalities.

Ancient Rome? said Victor, putting two and two together. Pliny? Don't tell me you are Gaius Plinius Secundus? Otherwise known as Pliny the Elder?

At last! said Gaius. A bit of recognition. Yes, I am he.

Well well, it's an honour Mr Pliny, said Victor. This explains the penguin pie very satisfactorily.

It does? said Gaius.

It does, said Victor. I assume you would have been used to eating such things in ancient Rome. My report will make that clear. You have no case to answer.

Thank you, said Pliny. Although your assumption is quite wrong. And now may I go?

You may, said Victor, unless.....would you like to stay on in Victor Harbor for a few days and come whale-watching with me?

I would, Victor, said Gaius. I would indeed.