Identity: Frog and Baby Pierre

Baby Pierre set off immediately. After all, he had nothing to pack. He scanned the window sill looking for an easy way down. At the end of the sill he saw a small green tomato, sitting on its own. He approached it boldly.

Hello! he said. I'm Baby Pierre. Who are you?

I don't know, said the small green tomato. Who do I look like?

You look like a tomato, except you're not red. You're green and marbled, like a frog.

Green, am I? said the small green tomato. Are you saying that I should be red?

No Frog, I'm not saying that, said Baby Pierre. But one day you're bound to turn red.

How do you know? asked Frog.

Everything turns red in the end, said Baby Pierre. That's my theory. My daddy is already red. He wants me to wear a red hat. But I'm not ready to wear it. You and me, Frog, we are the same. Not ready to be red.

Frog looked doubtful.

Come with me, said Baby Pierre. I'm off to explore the wide world.

Alright said Frog, impulsively. Where shall we go first?

To the bus stop, said Baby Pierre. I believe it is over the road.

Breaking Away

Baby Pierre was back in the corner of the window sill with Mummy Pierre and the Manifest Stone. It wasn't long before he became bored.

Mummy, he began, do you think Ageless will ever find Auntie Kobo?

No dear, said his mummy. And I don't think he really wants to. Or that she wants to be found. He is a living creature and she is a fossilised clam. What could they do together?

Yuk! said Baby Pierre. I never thought about that.

Wait till you grow up said Mummy Pierre. Then you will understand. Meanwhile I think you would do well to keep still and contemplate the Manifest Stone.

No, said Baby Pierre. I am off.

What! cried his Mummy. Off where?

I am off to explore the wide world, said Baby Pierre. I want to learn what is on the other side of the window. I want to see the Red Star. I want to go to a Library. I want to find my daddy and see the red knitted hat.

I thought you were afraid of your daddy and the red knitted hat, said Mummy Pierre.

That is why I have to go, said Baby Pierre. I will not fear my daddy and I won't wear the hat. I want to tell him so.

Well, go if you must, said Mummy Pierre, with a sigh. But first say a prayer to the Manifest Stone.

No, I won't, said Baby Pierre. I am an atheist and a free thinker. I don't believe in the Manifest Stone.

Mummy Pierre glanced fearfully at the Manifest Stone.

The Manifest Stone smiled beatifically through its many orifices.

No One to Look Out

dear ageless, perhaps you do not realise how mmmenacing you sound. baby pierre is frightened of you now. yes i told himmm the story of the red knitted hat. oh!! he said i would not like that hat. and what does mmy daddy mmean OR ELSE????? i am going back to mmmummmy right away.

and off he toddled to the corner of the window sill where his mmummmy lurks, next to the mmmanifest stone.

it was all your fault ageless. i had no one to look out of the window for the red star. i thought i would try asking his mmummmy.

but you know i do not like her she is too religious. she said oh!! the mmmanifest stone says it is forbidden to look out of the window, or sommme such thing. and i said, but pierre darling, you have three wonderfully bulging eyes why not use them? the mmmanifest stone would not even know that you were looking. and she said, i can't kobo, i do not dare, the mmanifest stone knows everything.

so you did not need to ask mme if i want to know what happens next. you did not know yourself. but now you do.

what should we do now ageless???

we have no one to look out for us.

kobo clammm

The Red Star

oh sorry kobo sorry,,,,, i got excited,,,,,you are right the story was about me,,,,,i wanted to steal baby pierre away,,,,,,and whack him!!!! but i don't any more,,,do you believe me kobo????

dear baby pierre,,,,oh i was sad when you said he had fallen out of the window,,,,,clik clik,,,,he's smashed his little head open,,, i thought,,,oh no,,, now i can't smash his little head open ,,,,ha ha kobo,,,only joking,,,

clever baby pierre,,,,yes kobo,,,,, ask him to look out for a constellation when he looks out of the window,,,,in the night time,,,,,,,,,poke him if he falls asleep,,, poke him HARD,,,,,the lazy little slacker ,,,, clever little baby,,,,,hmmm,

tell him to look for a red star,,,,, it's the only one i know,,,,it's called betelgeuse by humans,,,,,but we call it the lobster's armpit,,,, it is the brightest star in the constellation humans call orion,,,,,but we lobsters call it the giant lobster,,,,,,,baby pierre, if he can see it ,,,, then i know where to find you kobo,,, i know,,,,,and i will come,,,,,

then what,,,,kobo,,,,??,,,will you give me a kiss??? ,,,,will you??? ,,,let me tell you a story,,,,in the story i find you and baby pierre,,,,,,,,baby pierre thinks i am his daddy and i give him a red knitted hat,,,,,,it is to hide the mark of the lobster claw on his pretty little head,,,, he doesn't want to wear it,,,,, he says daddy daddy it's too big!!!,,, i do not whack him,,,,no,,,i smile and say,,,,you put it on or else,,,,,,

do you want to know what happens next kobo????

ageless will tell you when he sees you xxx

Baby Pierre and the Window

do i want to know what happened ageless, do i ??? !!! NO! let mme tell YOU what happened. the lobster daddy camme looking for his little baby. the little baby with the lobster mmarkings on his pretty head. alas!!!!! the little baby was no longer on the window sill. his daddy had told him he should look out of the window. the little baby was too smmall to see out of the window. he had climbed up on his auntie to try and look out of the window, and oh, with a terrible crash he had fallen out of the window!!! so he never got to live in the hole in the sea with his daddy, and learn not to be cleverer than himm. as for the girl in the bell jar ageless , do you want to know what happened??? did she die, you asked mme? did she DIE? she did not die ageless. she climmbed down into the cellar and found a hole. she went into the hole and piled somme stones at the entrance . then she took somme pills. she wanted to die but she didn't die. her mmummmy found her. so it wasn't sad because she didn't die, she got better. and yet it was. do you want to know why ageless ? i will tell you. because sylvia plath who wrote the story killed herself. but later, a long timme after she had written the bell jar. the stories people tell are really about themmselves. they pretend they are about another lobster but they are not. anyway enough of that. baby pierre has not really fallen out of the window. but all he sees when he looks out is the sky, because of the angle he is looking. he wants me to ask you if a constellation sighting would be useful. i told you he was clever ageless, not like you. yours sommmewhat coldly, kobo clammmm

The Lobster Claw

clikclik,,,,,ah,,,,clikclik,,,,ahhh,,,,dear kobo,,,,you should not tease,,,

is it really true???,,,,,baby pierre is marked by the LOBSTER CLAW????,,, then truly i am meant to be his daddy,,,,,how wondrous,,,,,what a pity he is such a little smarty,,,,,,but ageless will fix that,,,,,,,clikclik,,,,whack!!,,,,ageless knows how to be a daddy,,,,

i am at the library kobo,,,,,, i need more information,,,,,,, all the gardens look the same,,,,, they all have taps and sheds and clotheslines ,,,,,,,,,baby pierre the clever little baby ,,,,,,,tell him to look out of the window,,,,,,

i liked your story of the sad girl kobo i like sad stories how does it get sadder ,,,,,, does she DIE?????

i have a story for you kobo see how you like it,,,,,there was a lobster he was looking for his love,,,,,she was a fossilised clam,,,,, he had loved her for a long long time,,,,,,,when he found her she had a little baby,,,,, a beautiful baby very clever and smart,,,,, with the marking of a lobster claw upon its pretty head,,,,,the lobster could not help himself,,,, he stole the little baby from his lover,,,,,,yes he took the little baby,,,, and kept it in a hole under the sea and taught it not to be so clever,,,

do you like that kobo??? do you want to know what happened next????

kiss kiss,,,,,, just ask your friend

ageless lobster

The Bell Jar

dear ageless, don't be creepy, mmmm i know what mmmm means and i do not like it you are not mmy boyfriend just mmy friend i know i said you were mmmy boyfriend but that was before you got all creepy ageless cut it out.

i was sad to hear you thought of jumping in the water because i was dead.

no really i was glad.

do you really think mmmy stories beautiful ? here's a sad one for you ageless . i read a book about a girl it was called the bell jar. the girl was clever but she was unhappy. she sat on the roof of a tall building in new york and threw her clothes out over the sleeping city one by one. all she had left then was a black evening dress which she was wearing on the roof. the next day she had to go back to the country. she borrowed a green skirt from a friend and had to wear it all the summmer long. immagine that ageless. it was funny but it was sad and it gets sadder do you like sad stories ageless?

ageless have you looked at any mmmmaps? the satellite mmaps? baby pierre says you should go into a library. i did not tell himmm that you called himm a smmarty pants and a clever clogs, his mmummmy pierre used to call him that. it is why he hates his mmummmy.

don't be jealous he is beautiful. his mmummmy looks like a mmouse with bulbous eyes but he looks like a precious angel. and guess what? you will like this ageless!! he has a special mmmarking on his head, the mmmark of lobster claws. you see you mmmust be mmmeant to be his daddy.

hurry up and get to a library ageless hurry. i hope you are not wasting timmmme mmmoooning by the water.

kissy kiss mmmy boyfriend NO not mmy boyfriend, but mmmaybe

yours

kobo clammm

Ageless and Baby Pierre

dear kobo,,,,,,, clikclikclik,,,, o how joyful i am to hear that you are not dead,,,,,, o the gladnesss,,, o the gratefulnesss,,,,,clikclik,,,,

is that what you wanted me to say kobo is it ????? did you think i would be GLAD to know that you were saved and yet,,,,,, you forgot to tell me!!!!,, clikclik,,,, i am sorry but i feel a little HARD towards you,,,serves you right ,,,, ha ha that has 2 meanings,,,did you get it kobo??

it was bad kobo,,,,, i thought you were gurgling down a drain hole headed for the sea,,,,,,,,for weeks i hoped you might be at the outlet,,,,,,i waited there but no,,,,,,

i was sitting on the rocks beside the cold and gloomy clikcliklaplaplapping water,,, grey water slapping water,,, on the rocks,,,, i thought kobo is gone never more will she tell me beautiful stories ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i thought why not jump into the water ,,,,,,,,,are you sorry for me kobo are you ??,,,, but i didn't do it anyway i am a lobster ha ha i would not have drowned

i forgive you kobo,,, you are my friend it is not your fault you have no conscience,,,,,,,,,you have been a fossil for too long,,,

kobo google street maps are no good,,,,,clikclik,,,,they only show front gardens,,,,this is how it works,,,,the google cars drive past the houses with a camera,,,,,,,,,but kobo ,,,a tap a shed a clothesline,,,,,these are back garden things,,,, your little baby pierre is not as clever as you think,,,,,,i do not like him,,,,why does he not like his mummy ,,,,,,,hmmm?

tell the little smarty-pants,,, the little clever-clogs,,, that only satellite maps look into back gardens,,,, not street maps,,,,,,,,,tell him ageless doesn't need him ageless is already on the trail,,,,,,,,,,,

are you happy kobo,,,?

,,, i miss you dear sweet kobo,,,, clik clik kiss,,,keep in touch,,, touch,,,, get it??? touch,,,mm,,

ageless lobster

Kobo and Baby Pierre

A gust of wind from an open door takes Pliny's poem and deposits it on the window sill, next to Kobo the Fossilised Clam. Unable to read it she asks for help from Baby Pierre. Baby Pierre obliges. Kobo immediately writes to her friend Ageless Lobster:

dear ageless hello ageless dear! surprise surprise it is mmme kobo your friend yes i amm not dead. you mmmust be glad !!

o!! i owe you an apology i know, it was that stupid pierre, she told you i had gone down the horrid hole in the mmetal bowl under the window sill and that she had been saved because she was praying. i always mmmeant to tell you ageless that i was saved as well and i wasn't praying and that's what mmade her mmad. but i forgot.

she is not mmmy friend any more i amm friends now with her baby, baby pierre, yes so cute! the baby is called baby pierre it is a little round stone like pierre but more beautiful and not religious. don't be jealous ageless he is just a little boy you know.

do you still want to find mme agelesss do you? baby pierre has told me where i ammm. it is somewhere with sky and a fence and blackened leaves, a tap, a shed, a clothesline, a peach tree and a fig tree, rooflines, and at night the mmmoon.

baby pierre wants you to find us too he doesn't like his mmummmy and he wants to go away. he says you should look at all the google street mmmaps till you find the place, i know you will find us soon ageless you are resourceful for a lobster.

mmmany kisses

your friend kobo clammmm

ps please don't be mmoulting !

The Tree-Space

And Pliny did write me a poem. He presented it to me this morning, after the tree was cut down.

This is for you, he said.

I read it aloud:

THE TREE-SPACE

The heavens wept
(it rained)
George came with a chainsaw
And his brothers
Cut me off
From future blood-red flowers.
Where was I?
This is still my space.
I am the white open sky
I am the fence
I am the blackened leaves
I am the tap
I am the shed, the clothesline,
The neighbours' peach and fig
The rooflines of the houses
At night, I will be the moon.
I dream
I will sprout soon.

Oh Pliny! I said. That's lovely! And so modern, at least for you.

Thank you said Pliny, modestly. I tried to go against my instincts.

Kind of Tragic

Has a nuclear plant blown up in Japan? asked Pliny.

Not that I know of, I replied.

Has Colonel Gaddafi killed more of his people.....?

No, no, Pliny, it's not that kind of tragic. No need to look pale. It's the pittosporum tree in the back garden. It's got a disease, and we're going to have it cut down. I know you'll be sad.

Will I? said Pliny, surprised. I don't think so. I always thought that tree was too close to the fence.

But you loved that tree Pliny. Remember when we first got it. It was in a pot. My mother bought it for my daughter so she would see something green from her bedroom window instead of the fence.

No, I don't remember, said Pliny. When was this?

Eleven years ago, Pliny. Then my daughter changed bedrooms and decided to plant the tree in the garden.

And it grew, said Pliny. As trees do.

Yes, and when my daughter was away overseas I used to write to her saying the tree is now as tall as your brother.

How sweet, said Pliny.

And it grew and grew. Soon I was writing that it was as big as two brothers.

One on top of the other? asked Pliny.

Yes, then it thickened and grew to become as dense and as tall as five brothers.

Five brothers, said Pliny. I thought she only had two.

Once, I said, gazing into the distance, I sent her a little blood red flower from the tree, stuck to the writing paper with clear sticky tape. It was probably illegal, I added.

No doubt, said Pliny. Well I can see you are sorry to lose this five-brother-blood-red-flowering tree. I am prepared to acknowledge the tragic nature of its demise. When is it to be?

Tomorrow morning, I said mournfully.

I shall write you a poem, said Pliny.

The Washup

How did you enjoy the Clipsal? I asked Pliny, when I saw him in the morning.

I found it quite edifying, said Pliny. I learned, for example, that at the Clipsal a red jacket is not just a red jacket, but dictates the man you are. I became, inadvertently, a Holden man, and what is more, a bogan.

You should have asked me, I knew that, I said. Wherever did you get that jacket from?

EBay, said Pliny. $8.95, Buy It Now. It was a ladies size 14, but I didn't think that mattered. It was a cheerful colour, and it kept me warm and dry.

You are certainly no bogan, Pliny, I said, affectionately. You are a something of a quiz.

I don't mind being called a bogan, said Pliny. The Premier said that bogans were the salt of the earth.

He would say that, he'd like them all to vote for him, I said. So you met the Premier? Who else?

I met Leo Sayer, a singer from the old days, I believe, and Murray Walker, the famous motor racing commentator. He was sitting at the table next to mine.

Wow, Pliny! Murray Walker. What was he like?

A little odd. He commentated on everything he ate.

You mean he commented?

No, he commentated. As if eating were a racing event. "And now here come the oysters up to the plate...."

How hilarious! Well, I'm glad you had a good time, Pliny.

I did. And what did you get up to on the weekend?

I went to a 40th birthday barbecue at the St Peters Billabong, on Saturday. It was lovely
there.

What a coincidence! I believe I passed your barbecue early in the morning. Did you have egg and bacon roll?

No, they were up to the chops, sausages, chicken wings and rissoles when we got there.

Well, said Pliny. Would you like some now?

Some what?

Some egg and bacon roll. I still have a large quantity of it in my pocket.

No thanks. And now Pliny, brace yourself, I have to tell you something tragic.

Pliny turned pale.

The Replica Sandwich

Pliny was pleased with the Premier's definition of a bogan. Salt of the earth, he thought as he walked into the city on Sunday morning. I can live with that.

He entered the Premier's Box. Everyone was looking anxiously out of the windows at the sky.

The Premier came over.

Big day today, he observed. Let's hope the rain keeps off.

Yes, said Pliny. I suppose it could be dangerous.

By the way, said the Premier, I have something for you.

He handed Pliny a brown paper bag.

What's this? said Pliny.

It's your sandwich from last Thursday, said the Premier. I had someone ask the guard to retrieve it.

What! said Pliny. I hardly want it now!

Ha ha! Gotcha! said the Premier. It's not really that sandwich. It's a replica.

In that case, thank you very much, said Pliny. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll watch the races.

The morning flew by and soon it was time for the big one, the Clipsal 500 V8 Championship. It was raining, then it wasn't, then it was. No one knew what sort of tyres to put on.

Pliny was glad he was in the Premier's box out of the rain. He began to feel a little peckish. Should he eat his replica sandwich or go over to the table that was loaded as usual with complimentary gourmet food and wines? What would a proper bogan do? He didn't know.

He looked out of the window. His man Whincup was in the lead. That was good. The Holden man.
One of them anyway. He wondered what it really meant to be a Holden man.

Thoughtfully he bit into the Premier's replica sandwich.

Bogan

Saturday dawned fair and fine. Pliny decided to walk into the city via the Linear Park trail. As he passed the St Peters Billabong he spotted a group of people setting up a barbecue. Bit early for that, he thought.

Good morning, he said to a plumpish woman in a sun hat.

Good morning, said the woman. Are you here for my son's 40th birthday?

No, I'm on my way to the Clipsal, said Pliny.

I should have guessed that, said the woman. You are dressed like a bogan.

Indeed, he said politely. I am a Holden man.

Would you like some egg and bacon roll ? asked the woman. Not many guests have turned up yet and it's going to get spoiled.

Thank you , said Pliny, taking some egg and bacon roll and shoving it in his pocket.

When he got to the Premier's Corporate Box the Premier was waiting for him.

You're just in time for the Top Ten Shootout, he said.

Is my man in it? asked Pliny.

Yes, said the Premier. But what's that sticking out of your pocket?

Egg and bacon roll, said Pliny.

How did you get it in here? asked the Premier. You can't bring food in.

I have no idea, said Pliny. It must have escaped the guard's notice. I had a sandwich confiscated the other day.

Did you? Don't you like the food in here?

It's perfectly fine,, said Pliny. I didn't ask to be given this egg and bacon roll. It was thrust upon me at the St Peters Billabong.

Aha, I know the feeling, said the Premier. Oh look now! Your chap's come second!

Second! said Pliny. Who came first?

Tander, said the Premier. Another Holden man.

Oh well, said Pliny. I am a Holden man, so I can't be disappointed. Tell me Premier, what exactly is a bogan?

A Ford Man

Pliny had enjoyed his first day at the Clipsal. He turned up at the Corporate Box the next morning without any sandwiches, and wearing his red jacket.

Several people were standing at the food table piling up plates of food. One man was standing aside, doing something on his mobile phone.

Hello, said Pliny. Are you a Ford man?

No, said the man. I'm the Premier.

I apologise for not recognising you, said Pliny. And I thought you were wearing a blue jacket. I see now that it is purple. I suppose you mustn't take sides. Do you...

Excuse me for a second, said the Premier. I'm just in the middle of a Tweet.

Goodness, said Pliny. Don't they have a separate room for that?

Ha ha, laughed the Premier. I said a Tweet. Would you like to know what it was?

Yes I suppose so, said Pliny.

I'm Tweeting that last year at the Clipsal they sold 28,800 sausages. That's 7.6 km of sausages, enough to go round the track twice. What do you think of that?

Remarkable, said Pliny. But aren't you the Premier? Don't you have better things to do than Tweet about sausages?

It only takes a few seconds, said the Premier.

Yes, but the maths, said Pliny.

I have people to do the maths, said the Premier, airily. Are you looking forward to the big race Mr, er, Secundus? Who do you think will win?

Whincup, said Pliny. But when is the race? This is the second day now and all I have seen is the inside of this box.

The big race is on Sunday, said the Premier. But the V8 Supercars Championship Practice Four is on right at this moment. Watch the big screen over there. Or look out of the window over Pit Straight.

Pliny looked out of the window. Whizzzzzzz, the Supercars raced by and slowed down. A flag was waved.

Who won? asked Pliny.

Your man, said the Premier. Whincup!

Pliny felt somewhat elated.

A Holden Man

Pliny the Elder caught the bus into the city early in the morning. He was excited. What was the Clipsal? He didn't know.

He arrived at the gates and presented his ticket.

Good morning Mr Secundus, said the guard.

Mr Secundus? said Pliny. Oh yes, that's me. Good morning. Perhaps you could tell me where to go?

Certainly Mr Secundus. The Premier's Corporate Box is right opposite the Grandstand in front of Pit Straight. You can't miss it. I'm sorry sir, but may I just look in your bag?

Whatever for? asked Pliny. I've only got these sandwiches.

Ha ha, you won't need these sir, being in a corporate box. You'll have all you can eat and drink! But these sandwiches will have to go in the bin.

Outrageous! spluttered Pliny. What a waste! But do you mean to say that food and drink will be provided free of charge?

Certainly sir, to you it will. You're one of the lucky ones. Food and drink can't be brought in. It has to be bought inside. Sponsor's rules. Well, enjoy your day sir.

Pliny walked until he reached the Premier's Corporate Box, and went inside. There were several people there already, picking at the food, and drinking beer.

Hello, said Pliny, to a man in a blue jacket.

Hello, said the man in the blue jacket. I see you are a Holden man.

I am beholden to no man, said Pliny stiffly. Just because I accepted this free ticket....

No, no, said the man. You're wearing a red jacket. That means you're a Holden man. I'm wearing a blue jacket. That means I'm a Ford man.

Oh does it? said Pliny. Are they types of cars?

Ha ha, said the man. Courtney or Whincup?

What? said Pliny, picking up a prawn cracker and nibbling it.

Who d'you reckon will be this year's champion?

Oh, I see, said Pliny. Which one is the Holden man?

They both are, said the man. Are you kidding me?

Pliny decided to go with the flow.

Whincup, he said. He sounds lucky.

Continuity upon Continuity

So, gold and silver is it then?

No, I think it will be bronze.

Why bronze?

I like your story about the woman who bought the bronze candelabrum.

For 500,000 sesterces? I remember. The seller threw in a hunchback with the lot.

And she held a party to show off what she'd bought and had the man pose naked.

Yes, and she became shamelessly passionate and took him to bed.

Later she mentioned him in her will.

She did, and having become rich he worshipped the candelabrum as a deity.

But morality was vindicated.

It was. When he put up a tombstone to perpetuate the memory of her shame.

Oh look! The post! You have a letter.

Who can it be from? The Premier's Office! Look here, I've got a ticket to the Clipsal!

Continuity Conundrum

Very nice, said Pliny the Elder. I liked your stories of the dog and the grandad and the kite. What are you going to write about next?

I don't know, I said. I've lost my sense of continuity now the Fringe is over.

You need to go back to what you were writing about before, said Pliny.

No, I don't, I said. I want to write about something new. And anyway, I don't remember what I was writing about before.

My book, said Pliny. You were reading it. Where are you up to now?

Gold and silver, I said.

Were you writing about that before?

No, of course I wasn't.

Well there you are, that is the nature of continuity.

What is?

The nature of continuity is that it accommodates breaks. And after the break it resumes the continuity and moves on.

What about the things that happen in between?

Those are the things that give the break its meaning.

I see that you are trying to be helpful. You are saying that the Fringe break will give meaning to what I decide to write about next.

Yes, is that encouraging?

It would be if I didn't get the feeling you were trying to make me go backwards.

At Two Sits

We went to Semaphore today, for a picnic. We sat in the sandhills eating rolls. Half way between us and the sea a small brown dog escaped from its woman and its man. It ran after a seagull. The woman shouted Robby! The man jumped up. I didn't know if he was Robby, or the dog. The seagull flew away. The dog ran back. They failed to catch it. Eventually it let them. The man placed the dog on the woman's back. It fell off. They played some more with the dog, in a surprisingly clumsy way.

We walked towards the Largs jetty. There was a cool breeze and a hot sun. It was scenic and nice. There were boats and people, dogs. A sand man, made of sand. Seaweed, tidal pools and gulls. Under the jetty someone had hung three arty beachbags from a horizontal beam, and left a pair of pretty high heels in the shade.

We sat down in the sandhills. A little boy came past, with his grandad. They had a model plane and a multi-coloured kite. The little boy threw the plane up into the breeze. It swooped and bombed. He tried again, without much luck.The grandad assembled the kite. Together they attached the strings. They backed away from the kite towards the sea. A gust of wind took it up. The grandad was controlling both the strings but the little boy was holding one as well so the grandad's job was tricky.

The little boy's mum, grandma and older brother arrived on the beach. The brother played with the model plane. Then the kite bombed into the sand. The grandma ran towards it, then she stopped. The brother said, I'll get it! He held it up. Other way! yelled grandad. The brother twisted the kite round and held it above his head at an awkward angle . The wind took it and grandad jerked the string. The kite took off. The brother shouted, Mum! Look how high I made it go!

Kamikaze, Silent Disco and Moon.

On Saturday night they take one last walk around the Fringe. It is warm and humid, the moon is high in the sky, the air filled with screams emanating from the Kamikaze ride.

The VeloDrone: I always meant to go on that Kamikaze ride.

Belle et Bonne: Why didn't you?

The VeloDrone: I went on the Ferris wheel, and after that things got rather hectic.

Le Bon David: I always meant to go into the Wax Hand tent and get a wax hand made. A red one.

Marie: I was going to buy some frilly knickers from Frilly Knickers.

Belle et Bonne: We can still do all those things. Let's go into the Garden. Oh dear! Look at the length of the queue!

The VeloDrone: Let's go over to Gluttony instead. There won't be a queue.

They wander over to Gluttony. It is ill-lit. There are statues of pigs. People are sitting at tables under the trees on low seats and cushions, drinking and talking. Everyone is waiting for the Silent Disco to begin.

Belle et Bonne: Let's do the Silent Disco!

Marie: Yes, let's!

Le Bon David: How is it done?

Marie: You wear headphones and dance. Only the dancers can hear the music. To everyone else it looks strange.

The VeloDrone: I should like to do that.

So they put on their headphones and dance. And here we shall leave them, silently dancing at Gluttony under the yellow half moon, farewelling the Fringe.

Marie's List

The philosophers are at Semaphore Beach, the day after seeing their final Fringe show, Free Fall. They are walking along in the shallows, which are patterned with a fine brown silt.

Belle et Bonne: I feel a little sad today. We have no more shows to go to. Soon it will be time to go home.

Marie: Me too. But Free Fall was good, wasn't it.

Belle et Bonne: It was magic. I was totally entranced.

The VeloDrone: So was I! In fact, I feel like doing a somersault!

Le Bon David; Don't, Vello! You're not as young as those young acrobats last night.

The VeloDrone: No need to remind me. Ah the young! So fearless and brave, so beautiful. So heartbreaking.

Belle et Bonne: I know what you mean, papa. But it's not that they're fearless. They faced up to their fears.

Marie: What did you say when they asked you what you were afraid of?

Belle et Bonne: I said, losing my sense of smell.

The VeloDrone: Really? I sometimes wish I could lose mine. Such as when we were having a drink in the alley bar next to the drain.

Le Bon David: Yes that was a bit on the nose. What are you afraid of Vello?

The VeloDrone: I'm afraid of being thought a fool.

Le Bon David: You ought to have got used to it by now! Just joking. Shall I tell you what I'm afraid of?

Marie: Women.

Le Bon David: How do you know?

Marie: Because you are always excessively polite to them.

Le Bon David: Hum hum. Oh well they always say if you want to understand a philosopher you must first find out what he is afraid of. What are you afraid of Marie?

Marie: Oh, quicksand, drowning, burning, and dogs.

Belle et Bonne: That's impressive, Marie! You must be the best philosopher of us all.

Dog and Lunch

The philosophers are in the bar at the Worldsend Hotel, having just seen a performance of Berkoff in Two Acts, featuring two of Berkoff's pieces, Dog, and Lunch.

The VeloDrone: Hmmm.

Le Bon David: I agree. Hmmm. Berkoff.

Marie: I understood Dog. But not Lunch.

Belle et Bonne: I understood Lunch. But not Dog.

Le Bon David: I didn't understand either of them. Explain Dog, Marie.

Marie: The man played both the man and the dog. The man was scary and so was the dog. But the man loved the dog and fed it cellophane-wrapped pies.

Le Bon David: Oh, I understand that. People do love their dogs. Why only the other day I was having lunch in Glenelg and I overheard two ladies having a heated debate about whether dogs should be allowed on the bus.

The VeloDrone: What did they say?

Le Bon David: The older one said dogs should be allowed on the bus, just like people. The younger one said that was outrageous and she was glad they weren't. The older one got quite cross, it was clear she loved dogs. The younger one said that the older one had no right to an opinion because she never travelled by bus.

The VeloDrone: Ha ha! So the younger one won.

Le Bon David: She looked rather flushed. She probably knew I was listening.

The VeloDrone: That's funny, David. And now, Belle et Bonne, explain Lunch.

Belle et Bonne: A man and a woman meet by chance on a park bench overlooking the sea. They get on well at first but soon we're watching their relationship go horribly wrong.

The VeloDrone: It didn't seem very realistic.

Le Bon David: I don't know about that.......

Not Missing the Bicycles

Scene four is about to begin, when Le Bon David appears, in one of the doorways of the wooden box, in the character of Dr Pangloss:

Dr Pangloss: I have been hanged and dissected by the Holy Inquisition. That is why you did not see me in scene three.

Candide: Oh yes, we forgot to do that bit.

Cunegonde: Never mind. Let the Old Woman tell her story.

Old Woman: Yes, now to tell you my story. I am the daughter of Pope Pius X and the Princess Palestrina. When I was young, I was very beautiful. My mother and I were captured by Moorish pirates and since that time I suffered slavery, ravishment, famine and plague and also the death of my mother.

Heckler: How did you lose half your arse?

Cunegonde ( severely): What a coarse question! But yes, Old Woman, do tell us how.

Old Woman: I'm coming to that. At one time I belonged to the harem of a Turkish captain, who was defending a fortress from the Russians. The Russians were starving us out. Our soldiers had sworn never to surrender, so they ate the two eunuchs and then they decided to eat the women.

Cunegonde: How dreadful! What happened?

Old Woman: A Mohammedan priest who was in the fortress persuaded the soldiers to cut just one buttock off each of us ladies instead, which they did. Fortunately for us the seige ended soon after that. I have grown old in misery and shame and wanted to kill myself a hundred times but somehow I am still in love with life.

Candide: There is certainly a great deal of suffering in the world.

Dr Pangloss: And yet all is for the best.

Candide: I don't think it is. But it seems to me what is best is to work together and not argue.

Dutchman: Excuse me. Would you mind winding it up now? It's time for the next show.

Cunegonde: Certainly. We have finished anyway. Thank you for coming everyone. We'll be back next year with more excerpts from Candide.We hope you enjoyed the show and didn't miss the bicycles in the second half.

Old Woman: I didn't!

Audience: Ha ha ! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Without Wheels

Later that evening, in the Nothing is Really Difficult box, a large crowd has gathered for the free show, Candide on Wheels. The VeloDrone enters.

The VeloDrone: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Candide on Wheels, which suffered an untimely interruption three nights ago. We now present scene three, in which the lovely Cunegonde and the handsome young Candide are reunited thanks to the Old Woman with only one buttock. Please note that tonight's production will be played without bicycles. He withdraws.

Enter The VeloDrone, as Candide, and Marie, as the Old Woman.

Candide: Who are you?

Old Woman: Never mind. I am taking you to see someone.

Candide: Who can it be?

They walk over to the far side of the box.

A heckler: Where are your bicycles?

Candide: Shut up! This show isn't interactive!

Old Woman: Behold your beloved!

Candide: Cunegonde! But I thought you had been ravished and disembowelled!

Cunegonde: People don't always die of such mishaps!

Candide: Tell me what happened?

Cunegonde: Bulgars came to my home, cut the throats of my father and brother, and made mincemeat of my mother.

Candide: O poor you!

Cunegonde: I was ravished by a soldier, who wounded me in the left thigh. I was then rescued by his captain who took me as a prisoner of war. I had to wash his shirts and cook his meals. After three months he sold me to a Jew, who brought me here to Portugal. He installed me in this country house and shares me with the Grand Inquisitor.

Candide: How dreadful.

Old Woman: Indeed, some terrible things have happened to Cunegonde, but worse things have happened to me. Would you like to hear my story? If you would, stay seated for scene four.

Heckler: Where are the bicycles?

Old Woman: I have only one buttock! I'm very glad we're on foot.

Heckler, and the rest of the audience: Ha ha! Bravo! Very good!

Candide Catches Cold

The VeloDrone goes off to ride the Ferris wheel on his own. The others have decided to go and see The Boy With Tape on His Face. When they meet afterwards The VeloDrone is wet.

Belle et Bonne: Papa! You're all wet!

The VeloDrone: It began to rain while I was on that cursed Ferris wheel.

Belle et Bonne: What a shame! You should have come with us. It was fun.

The VeloDrone: But interactive, I'll be bound.

Le Bon David: Yes, yes, but in a most delightful way. In any case, we made sure to sit well back from the front and in the very middle of a row.

Marie: You would have enjoyed it. The boy had tape over his mouth, so he had to interact with the audience without speaking. He got people to do all sorts of funny things, like fighting with tape measures, and staple guns, bull fighting, pretending to be a horse, and popping balloons with drawing pin studded gloves. He even got a pretty girl to dance Swan Lake, in a tutu, and kiss someone.

Belle et Bonne; Yes, I wished I'd sat nearer the front so he might have picked me. I would have loved to dance Swan Lake and be kissed by a stranger who was handcuffed to me.

Le Bon David: Well, I was glad I didn't get picked to do anything hard. Nevertheless, we all finished up on the stage at the end, laughing and clapping and hitting red balloons into the air.

The VeloDrone: Really? Perhaps I would have enjoyed it after all. As it is, I am wet and I may be catching a cold. Achoo! Which is unfortunate because we are going to be performing in a few minutes.

Belle et Bonne: Candide on Wheels? Oh hurrah! I'll get to do my scene!

The VeloDrone: Yes. I have been talking to the Nothing is Really Difficult Dutchmen. They have agreed to let us use their wooden box.

The Expected

Le Bon David and Belle et Bonne walk back to East Terrace, to meet The VeloDrone and Marie in the Garden of Unearthly Delights. The VeloDrone and Marie are still standing in the queue.

The VeloDrone: I should have bought tickets for a show. If I had, we'd be in there by now.

Marie: I know. But you said you'd had enough interaction.

The VeloDrone: I have, temporarily.

Marie: You said you just wanted to ride on the Ferris wheel.

The VeloDrone: I do want to ride on it. There is nothing interactive about a Ferris wheel. You get in. It goes up. It goes down. Then you get off.

Marie: I know: But this is an awfully long queue. Oh look! here come David and Belle et Bonne! Hi! Hi! Over here!

Belle et Bonne: Oh dear! Are you still in the queue? Can we stand here with you?

Marie: Of course. The people behind us won't mind.

The people behind: Go for it! Hey! Aren't you the guys who do Candide? That show was cool!

Marie: See! Everyone is so chilled out here. How was your show?

Le Bon David: Amazing! I don't know how he did any of those tricks!

The VeloDrone: What did he do?

Le Bon David: He played Russian Roulette with six staple guns. One of them was loaded with staples. Belle here had to choose which five to fire into his neck after he'd jumbled them up.

Marie: How frightening!

Belle et Bonne: No, it was fun.

Marie: But you could have killed him!

Belle et Bonne: Could I? No, no, he could read my mind. He knew what I would take with me to a desert island, too.

Marie: What? A hairbrush?

Belle et Bonne: Marie! How did you know?

Marie: I know you. It was that or a toothbrush.

Belle et Bonne: Well!

The VeloDrone: Look, we're going in! Hurrah! Now who's coming on the Ferris wheel with me?

The Unexpected

It's Saturday night. Marie and The VeloDrone head for the Garden of Unearthly Delights. Le Bon David and Belle et Bonne are going to see An Evening of the Unexpected. They walk up North Terrace to look for the Cavern Club in the Station Arcade. It appears to be down a set of stairs.

Le Bon David: How the dickens do you get in?

Belle et Bonne: The door's locked.

Le Bon David: I suppose this is the first Unexpected thing.

They eventually find their way into the Cavern Club, order drinks and sit down at a table near the front.

The Mindreader enters and begins his show.

The Mindreader: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Now first, I'm going to choose two people. You, and you. ( He points to Le Bon David and Belle et Bonne). Please stand up. Now I want you to think of something you would take with you to a desert island.

Belle et Bonne and Le Bon David stand up. They try and think of something. Their faces screw up revealing tiny clues as to what they are thinking.

The Mindreader: Sir, please come up on the stage and face the audience. Now I shall draw on this sheet of paper what it is you are thinking of. ( He draws an electronic book ). Now please tell us what you would take to a desert island.

Le Bon David: A ...um.... useful Satellite ...errr...er book sort of .......

The MindReader: Then I am correct! It is an electronic book! Isn't it, sir?

Le Bon David (confused) : I suppose so.

The Mindreader: And you ( he turns to Belle et Bonne). Please come up on stage. ( He draws a picture of a toothbrush). Could it be that you are thinking of a toothbrush?

Belle et Bonne: Umm... well, ...a hairbrush.

The Mind reader: How exactly like a toothbrush is that! I am correct again!

Applause.

Le Bon David and Belle et Bonne return to their seats.

Le Bon David: Remarkable! He knew exactly what I was thinking. Better than I did myself.

Belle et Bonne: Same.

Double Squirt

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are checking out the Adelaide Street Theatre Festival in Rymill Park. There is a large crowd gathered round a square of grass, hogging all the available shade and spilling out into the sun.

Volunteer Sunscreen Lady: Would you like a squirt of complimentary sunscreen?

The VeloDrone: Yes, please, seeing we are going to have to stand in the sun. David, do you want some?

Le Bon David: Thank you. I remembered a hat but my legs are uncovered. I do not usually go out in shorts.

Volunteer Sunscreen Lady: So I see. Have a double squirt.

They hold out their hands and are given squirts. They rub it onto their legs and arms. The show begins.

Popeye One: 'Allo! Vee are 'Popeyed' from Russia! Vee are going to do some treecks for you!

Popeye Two: Yes! Vee wear zeez costumes of Australian lifesavers as a compliment to you.

Popeye One: Vee have noticed that in Australia zee people zey do not make a noise. Vee think zis ees because you watch too much teevee at 'ome. Please to make some noise and clap! Zis gives to us energy.

They begin to do amazing acrobatical tricks demonstrating super-human muscular strength and an engaging Russian sense of humour, involving ape-like gestures and spraying water over everyone.

The crowd makes noise and claps.

The VeloDrone: Amazing! Bravo! Russians are better at acrobatics than any other people.

Le Bon David: Are you sure they are Russians?

The VeloDrone: What? Aren't they?

Le Bon David: Sometimes their accents slip.

The VeloDrone: No!

Le Bon David: I have an ear for such things.

The VeloDrone: Well, I'm not going to give them any money if they are acrobatting under false pretences.

Le Bon David: Shoosh! They are doing their grand finale!

The Popeyes do their grand finale. The crowd goes wild. The Popeyes drag out two enormous sacks in which they hope to collect a great deal of money.

Popeye One: Guess what folks! We are really Aussies! Ha Ha!

Le Bon David: I told you so, Vello. But that just makes it better. I'm going to give them some money. Can you lend me a tenner?

The VeloDrone: Niet!

Escape

The wooden box in which they were imprisoned was the Nothing is Really Difficult Box, so it was not long before the doors were opened for the next show. This gave our philosophers a chance to escape on their bicycles, waved on their way by three friendly Dutchmen, the owners of the box.

The following night we find them attending Dr Professor Neal Portenza's Interactive Goat Hour at the Tuxedo Cat.

Afterwards, in the beer garden:

The VeloDrone: That was your fault, David.

Le Bon David: But I wanted to be able to see properly.

The VeloDrone: You know that standups always pick on the front two rows.

Le Bon David: Well, he picked on all of us. And I didn't mind.

Belle et Bonne: Nor did I.

Marie: I liked it when he picked on me.

The VeloDrone: His card tricks didn't work, his game show questions had no answers, his prizes were no good, and his film was very silly. Why was there a cat in it?

Belle et Bonne: But he was such a funny character! I loved his bright red cheeks, his made-up eyes, his red trousers and beret and his curly hair, and the way he talked.

Marie: Me too, and when he took his trousers off he had quite nice legs as well.

The VeloDrone: I hardly think.....

Belle et Bonne: Did you let your poppers off, papa and Uncle David?

The VeloDrone: Oh no, I quite forgot.

Le Bon David: So did I.

They take the poppers out of the party bags that they had found on their seats at the start of the show, and let them off.

Pop! Pop!

Everyone in the Tuxedo Cat Beer Garden turns around. The VeloDrone takes out a Mintie, unwraps it nonchalantly and begins to chew. Le Bon David rummages in his party bag, to see if there is one in there for him.

Le Bon David: I haven't got a Mintie.

Marie: Never mind, you can have mine.

Belle et Bonne: And mine.

The VeloDrone: But that means he gets two!

Candide on Wheels

It is early evening. The philosophers are cycling to the Garden of Unearthly Delights, on bicycles which they have hired from the Adelaide City Council. Belle et Bonne asks The VeloDrone about his idea.

Belle et Bonne: What is your idea, papa? Do tell us.

The VeloDrone: I suppose I should have told you before. We are going to perform in the Garden, scenes from Candide. I shall play Candide.

Le Bon David: What a grand idea. I shall play Dr Pangloss.

Belle et Bonne: And I shall play Cunegonde.

Marie: Then I shall play the old woman, with one buttock.

They arrive at the Garden of Unearthly Delights. Dismounting, they wheel their bicycles to a bare patch of grass. The VeloDrone, due to his pulpy hair and red sticky face, attracts some funny looks.

The VeloDrone: Roll up! Roll up! In two minutes time we shall give a performance of scenes from Candide! See the handsome young Candide kicked out by Baron Thunder-ten-Tronckh, because of his passion for the Baron's daughter, the lovely Cunegonde!! See him kidnapped by the Bulgars and given four thousand lashes. Hear what happened to Dr Pangloss and the lovely Cunegonde! Learn how the old woman lost her buttock!

A large crowd gathers. The play begins:

Candide ( getting on his bicycle) : Scene one. Oh ! I have been driven from the mansion of my natural father the Baron with kicks to the backside.

Dr Pangloss: There is no effect without cause! You were seen behind a screen with Cungonde!

Candide: Farewell! ( he cycles away, stopping behind the Frilly Knickers stall )

He returns.

Candide: Scene two. Oh! I have been given four thousand lashes by the Bulgars for desertion after being kidnapped! It hurts! But who is this old beggar?

Dr Pangloss: Do you not recognise your old tutor Dr Pangloss?

Candide: What happened to you? Your nose has rotted away, your mouth is all askew and your teeth are black.

Dr Pangloss: I caught a venereal disease from the maid Paquette. But I must tell you what has happened to Cunegonde!

Candide: Oh, tell me! What?

Dr Pangloss: She has been disembowelled and ravished by the Bulgars. She is dead!

Candide: No!

Dr Pangloss: Don't worry. She will nevertheless be in scene three!

Belle et Bonne is just getting ready for her scene, when two burly security guards appear, and, apprehending the four philosophers, lock them inside a wooden box.

Is Vello Bored?

The VeloDrone is bemoaning the fate of his hat.

The VeloDrone: It's ruined. I loved that hat.

Marie: I'm sure we can clean it up.

Belle et Bonne: Yes, I'll buy some Napi-San. That'll fix it.

The VeloDrone: It was an Akha Hilltribe hat. It made me feel like an adventurer. It made me feel like Candide.

Le Bon David: Oh, that's what this is all about, is it? Candide!

The VeloDrone: Yes, the young innocent abroad, exposing life's absurdity. Bus drivers for example. Why did he have to stop the bus?

Marie: He thought you were behaving strangely.

The VeloDrone: It was his fault. He kept staring at me. He should have been looking where he was going. I just gave him something to look at.

Marie: You ate all the blackberries. And then you threw up.

The VeloDrone: I don't like them. Anyway, perhaps I was bored.

Le Bon David: I wouldn't be surprised. When the dickens is our next Fringe show?

Belle et Bonne: Tomorrow night. Dr Professor Neil Portenza at the Tuxedo Cat.

The VeloDrone: Tomorrow!

Belle et Bonne: Well, you wouldn't have been going anywhere tonight, papa, looking like that.

The VeloDrone: Why? What do I look like?

Belle et Bonne ( handing him a mirror) : Your hair is bright red and full of little black pulpy seeds, and your face is stained with blackberry juice where it dripped down under your hat.

The VeloDrone: I look alright, in fact I look quite interesting. And I have an idea. Come on everyone! Get dressed, we're going out tonight after all!