What's an auger? asked Lavender. Does it mean I can tell the future?
No, said Ageless. That's an augury. Auger means a tool for boring holes.
Boring holes! said Lavender, offended.
Of course, said Ageless, no one could bore a hole with you.
Are you saying I'm not pointy enough? asked Lavender.
You're pointy enough, said Ageless. But there's something crucial missing.
You wouldn't say that if I was a BOY, said Lavender.
Lavender, said Baby Pierre. It's not a gender issue. You just don't have any ..... substance, that's all.
Lavender began to sulk.
Now then, said Ageless, to what do I owe this honour?
Have you ever heard of the Immortal Jellyfish? asked Baby Pierre.
I have, said Ageless. I was watching QI the other night. I do like that Stephen Fry.
Yes, but the Immortal Jellyfish, said Baby Pierre. Do you think that it really exists?
It does indeed, said Ageless. I googled it. Turritopsis nutricula. They are in fact growing in numbers. They are thought to have originated in the Caribbean, but they've now spread all over the world.
Baby Pierre was excited by this news.
Will you come on a quest with me, Ageless, to find one? he asked.
He means with us, said Lavender. US!
I will, said Ageless. It will be a pleasure to go on a quest with you, Baby Pierre.
A quest with US, said Lavender.
Of course, with you both, said Ageless. But I can't just drop everything you know. This evening I have an appointment at the Town Hall. Would you care to come with me? We can start on the quest tomorrow.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Oh wad some power
Baby Pierre looked at the plinth.
That's not my daddy, he said. That's Robert Burns. He's a statue.
He looks like you, said Lavender, doubtfully. He's the same colour stone, and he has a nice round head.
Do you think it's nice? said Baby Pierre. My head?
No, his head is nice, said Lavender. But yours is alright.
Robert Burns looked down from his plinth and uttered these words:
"Oh wad some power the giftie gie us,
To see oursels as others see us
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
And foolish notion"
Did you hear that? said Baby Pierre.
Yes, said Lavender. Why's he speaking French?
That's not French, said Baby Pierre. But I don't know what it is. Let's go inside. Ageless will be in the reading room.
They went in and climbed the stairs to the main reading room. Ageless was sitting in front of a computer, in the middle of a row of students.
Ageless! cried Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre! cried Ageless. You've come back! And who's this?
This is Lavender, said Baby Pierre. She's my cousin.
Not really, said Lavender. But sort of.
Very pleased to meet you, Lavender, said Ageless. How pretty you are!
Don't be creepy, Ageless, said Baby Pierre. And what part of her are you thinking is pretty?
Her lovely shape, said Ageless. Like an auger.
Yes, but what part of her do you think you're talking to? said Baby Pierre. She's the indentation.
Is she really? said Ageless, peering curiously at Lavender.
Stop talking about me as if I wasn't here, said Lavender, crossly.
That's not my daddy, he said. That's Robert Burns. He's a statue.
He looks like you, said Lavender, doubtfully. He's the same colour stone, and he has a nice round head.
Do you think it's nice? said Baby Pierre. My head?
No, his head is nice, said Lavender. But yours is alright.
Robert Burns looked down from his plinth and uttered these words:
"Oh wad some power the giftie gie us,
To see oursels as others see us
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
And foolish notion"
Did you hear that? said Baby Pierre.
Yes, said Lavender. Why's he speaking French?
That's not French, said Baby Pierre. But I don't know what it is. Let's go inside. Ageless will be in the reading room.
They went in and climbed the stairs to the main reading room. Ageless was sitting in front of a computer, in the middle of a row of students.
Ageless! cried Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre! cried Ageless. You've come back! And who's this?
This is Lavender, said Baby Pierre. She's my cousin.
Not really, said Lavender. But sort of.
Very pleased to meet you, Lavender, said Ageless. How pretty you are!
Don't be creepy, Ageless, said Baby Pierre. And what part of her are you thinking is pretty?
Her lovely shape, said Ageless. Like an auger.
Yes, but what part of her do you think you're talking to? said Baby Pierre. She's the indentation.
Is she really? said Ageless, peering curiously at Lavender.
Stop talking about me as if I wasn't here, said Lavender, crossly.
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Mark of the Lobster Claw
But you've got one, said Lavender.
Got what? said Baby Pierre.
A tattoo, that tulip on your head, said Lavender.
That's not a tulip! It's the Mark of the Lobster Claw! said Baby Pierre.
It looks like a tulip, said Lavender. It should be a tulip.
Why? asked Baby Pierre. Why should it be a tulip?
Lavender and Tulip, said Lavender, as though that explained everything.
Why are you called Lavender, anyway? said Baby Pierre. Your'e a shell. Not even a shell, he added. A shell of a shell.
It was Auntie Kobo, said Lavender. I heard her sighing one day. She was saying Lavender, Lavender, oh Lavender. And I knew she meant me.
Hah! said Baby Pierre. She was sniffing, that's all. Sniffing the lavender.
No she wasn't, said Lavender, looking upset. She wasn't, she wasn't, she wasn't.
Alright, said Baby Pierre. She wasn't.
Are we there yet? asked Lavender.
Nearly, said Baby Pierre.
Where are we going again? asked Lavender.
To the library, said Baby Pierre patiently. To see Ageless.
Your daddy, said Lavender.
No....yes, said Baby Pierre.
What do you mean, no-yes? asked Lavender.
Probably, said Baby Pierre. Look here's our stop.
They got off the bus and crossed North Terrace to the State Library.
Oh look, there's your daddy! cried Lavender. He's waiting outside! Why's he up on that plinth?
Got what? said Baby Pierre.
A tattoo, that tulip on your head, said Lavender.
That's not a tulip! It's the Mark of the Lobster Claw! said Baby Pierre.
It looks like a tulip, said Lavender. It should be a tulip.
Why? asked Baby Pierre. Why should it be a tulip?
Lavender and Tulip, said Lavender, as though that explained everything.
Why are you called Lavender, anyway? said Baby Pierre. Your'e a shell. Not even a shell, he added. A shell of a shell.
It was Auntie Kobo, said Lavender. I heard her sighing one day. She was saying Lavender, Lavender, oh Lavender. And I knew she meant me.
Hah! said Baby Pierre. She was sniffing, that's all. Sniffing the lavender.
No she wasn't, said Lavender, looking upset. She wasn't, she wasn't, she wasn't.
Alright, said Baby Pierre. She wasn't.
Are we there yet? asked Lavender.
Nearly, said Baby Pierre.
Where are we going again? asked Lavender.
To the library, said Baby Pierre patiently. To see Ageless.
Your daddy, said Lavender.
No....yes, said Baby Pierre.
What do you mean, no-yes? asked Lavender.
Probably, said Baby Pierre. Look here's our stop.
They got off the bus and crossed North Terrace to the State Library.
Oh look, there's your daddy! cried Lavender. He's waiting outside! Why's he up on that plinth?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tattoo
Time to go, Lavender, said Baby Pierre.
But Lavender was already at the front door.
Are you really my cousin? asked Baby Pierre, as they waited at the bus stop.
Your mummy's my auntie, said Lavender. So's Kobo.
They're not really sisters, said Baby Pierre. Mummy's a stone and Kobo's a fossilised clam.
I'm not a stone or a fossilised clam, said Lavender.
What are you? asked Baby Pierre. You look like a stone to me.
The stone part's not me, said Lavender. I'm the indentation.
You mean you're a hole? said Baby Pierre, astonished.
I'm the space where a shell used to be, said Lavender.
Baby Pierre found this hard to believe. She was saying she didn't exist.
Girls! he thought. They just make things up.
The bus came along. They got on. The bus passed some shops.
Oh look, Baby Pierre! said Lavender excitedly. Lords of Ink! It's a tattoo parlour! I always wanted a tattoo.
Baby Pierre was disgusted.
How can you get a tattoo, he said, when you're just empty space?
Lavender's face fell. Baby Pierre felt sorry.
I suppose you could get one on your bottom, he conceded.
But Lavender did not brighten up.
But Lavender was already at the front door.
Are you really my cousin? asked Baby Pierre, as they waited at the bus stop.
Your mummy's my auntie, said Lavender. So's Kobo.
They're not really sisters, said Baby Pierre. Mummy's a stone and Kobo's a fossilised clam.
I'm not a stone or a fossilised clam, said Lavender.
What are you? asked Baby Pierre. You look like a stone to me.
The stone part's not me, said Lavender. I'm the indentation.
You mean you're a hole? said Baby Pierre, astonished.
I'm the space where a shell used to be, said Lavender.
Baby Pierre found this hard to believe. She was saying she didn't exist.
Girls! he thought. They just make things up.
The bus came along. They got on. The bus passed some shops.
Oh look, Baby Pierre! said Lavender excitedly. Lords of Ink! It's a tattoo parlour! I always wanted a tattoo.
Baby Pierre was disgusted.
How can you get a tattoo, he said, when you're just empty space?
Lavender's face fell. Baby Pierre felt sorry.
I suppose you could get one on your bottom, he conceded.
But Lavender did not brighten up.
Lavender
Baby Pierre was just about to lower himself down from the window sill when Kobo called him back.
What now? said Baby Pierre.
How about taking your cousin? said Kobo.
My cousin? said Baby Pierre. I don't have a cousin.
I mean Lavender, said Kobo, indicating a flattish stone with a shell-shaped indentation, lying half way between herself and Baby Pierre's mum.
Lavender! She won't want to come, said Baby Pierre scornfully.
Yes I do, said Lavender. I do want to come.
Oh alright, said Baby Pierre, but you'd better be ready. I'm leaving at once.
I'm ready , said Lavender. Oh yay! I'm going on an adventure with Baby Pierre.
I hope you are more grownup than you sound, said Baby Pierre.
I am, I am! said Lavender. Where are we going?
We're going to look for my da....I mean Ageless, said Baby Pierre. He told me I would always be able to find him in the library.
The library, the library, sang Lavender. Come on, let's go, hurry up.
Baby Pierre sighed. Lavender was going to be a liability, he could tell. She was just an indentation in a stone, a mere memory of a shell, a twisty pointy shell that must once have been white, judging by the bits that he could see.
So why was she called Lavender?
And why did she want to come?
What now? said Baby Pierre.
How about taking your cousin? said Kobo.
My cousin? said Baby Pierre. I don't have a cousin.
I mean Lavender, said Kobo, indicating a flattish stone with a shell-shaped indentation, lying half way between herself and Baby Pierre's mum.
Lavender! She won't want to come, said Baby Pierre scornfully.
Yes I do, said Lavender. I do want to come.
Oh alright, said Baby Pierre, but you'd better be ready. I'm leaving at once.
I'm ready , said Lavender. Oh yay! I'm going on an adventure with Baby Pierre.
I hope you are more grownup than you sound, said Baby Pierre.
I am, I am! said Lavender. Where are we going?
We're going to look for my da....I mean Ageless, said Baby Pierre. He told me I would always be able to find him in the library.
The library, the library, sang Lavender. Come on, let's go, hurry up.
Baby Pierre sighed. Lavender was going to be a liability, he could tell. She was just an indentation in a stone, a mere memory of a shell, a twisty pointy shell that must once have been white, judging by the bits that he could see.
So why was she called Lavender?
And why did she want to come?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Goodbye Baby
Baby Pierre was sad the Tour de France was over. Not that he had been able to watch it. But he could hear the television from the next room.
What a shame Sweezus didn't win, he thought. Sweezus was my favourite rider.
The television was on the next night too. Baby Pierre was listening. The program was called QI. Stephen Fry was saying something about jellyfish. Baby Pierre's ears pricked up.
Why are my ears pricking up? said Baby Pierre. I don't have ears. But what is Stephen Fry saying?
Stephen Fry was saying that there was a jellyfish called The Immortal Jellyfish. He said it had the remarkable quality of becoming younger after it had reproduced.
Wow, said Baby Pierre. I wonder if Ageless Lobster knows about this?
He rolled to the middle of the window sill to say goodbye to Kobo.
Auntie Kobo, he said, I'm off on my travels again. This time I'm going on my own.
Why's that? asked Kobo.
Because Frog is dead, said Baby Piere sadly.
Frog, said Kobo, vaguely. Do you mean that tomato?
That tomato was my best friend Frog, said Baby Pierre. There will never be another like him.
How true, said Kobo. I hope you have a warm scarf.
I do, said Baby Pierre. Is that all you have to say?
Say hello to Ageless, said Kobo.
How did you know? asked Baby Pierre.
I listen to QI as well, said Kobo. Good bye, Baby Pierre.
What a shame Sweezus didn't win, he thought. Sweezus was my favourite rider.
The television was on the next night too. Baby Pierre was listening. The program was called QI. Stephen Fry was saying something about jellyfish. Baby Pierre's ears pricked up.
Why are my ears pricking up? said Baby Pierre. I don't have ears. But what is Stephen Fry saying?
Stephen Fry was saying that there was a jellyfish called The Immortal Jellyfish. He said it had the remarkable quality of becoming younger after it had reproduced.
Wow, said Baby Pierre. I wonder if Ageless Lobster knows about this?
He rolled to the middle of the window sill to say goodbye to Kobo.
Auntie Kobo, he said, I'm off on my travels again. This time I'm going on my own.
Why's that? asked Kobo.
Because Frog is dead, said Baby Piere sadly.
Frog, said Kobo, vaguely. Do you mean that tomato?
That tomato was my best friend Frog, said Baby Pierre. There will never be another like him.
How true, said Kobo. I hope you have a warm scarf.
I do, said Baby Pierre. Is that all you have to say?
Say hello to Ageless, said Kobo.
How did you know? asked Baby Pierre.
I listen to QI as well, said Kobo. Good bye, Baby Pierre.
The Champs Elysees
It's true. Cadel Evans has won the Tour de France. Now everyone can go home. But they don't all want to.
Sweezus: Paris is so beautiful. I don't want to go home.
Marie: We're going shopping on the Champs Elysees. Come with us.
Sweezus: Shopping!
Belle et Bonne: We're going to a famous shop called Laduree, to buy macarons and chocolates.
Sweezus: Awesome! What are macarons?
.......
The VeloDrone, Le Bon David and Farky are saying goodbye to Gustave, Gaius and Violetta.
The VeloDrone: Well goodbye, you three. Perhaps we shall we meet again.
Gustave: Perhaps. After all, we have much in common.
The VeloDrone: We all performed rather badly in the Tour de France, if that's what you mean.
Violetta: Speak for yourself. I performed rather well. So did Farky.
Farky: I won Most Aggressive Dog.
Gaius: And I did well in the individual time trials, even though the mints were just mints.
The VeloDrone: Alright alright, but next year we will have to try harder. And now, David and I must get home to our magazine. We haven't published anything for three weeks.
Violetta: What magazine?
The VeloDrone: Oh, nothing worth mentioning....
Le Bon David: It's a magazine about cycling and philosophy. We invite philosophers to write articles for it.
The VeloDrone ( loudly) : La la la! La la la!
Gustave: That is interesting. Perhaps you would consider inviting me. I like to think I am something of a philosopher.
Gaius: And me.
Violetta: And me.
The VeloDrone: Well, umm, surely you are all too busy.....
Violetta: Oh no, we're not busy at all.
Sweezus: Paris is so beautiful. I don't want to go home.
Marie: We're going shopping on the Champs Elysees. Come with us.
Sweezus: Shopping!
Belle et Bonne: We're going to a famous shop called Laduree, to buy macarons and chocolates.
Sweezus: Awesome! What are macarons?
.......
The VeloDrone, Le Bon David and Farky are saying goodbye to Gustave, Gaius and Violetta.
The VeloDrone: Well goodbye, you three. Perhaps we shall we meet again.
Gustave: Perhaps. After all, we have much in common.
The VeloDrone: We all performed rather badly in the Tour de France, if that's what you mean.
Violetta: Speak for yourself. I performed rather well. So did Farky.
Farky: I won Most Aggressive Dog.
Gaius: And I did well in the individual time trials, even though the mints were just mints.
The VeloDrone: Alright alright, but next year we will have to try harder. And now, David and I must get home to our magazine. We haven't published anything for three weeks.
Violetta: What magazine?
The VeloDrone: Oh, nothing worth mentioning....
Le Bon David: It's a magazine about cycling and philosophy. We invite philosophers to write articles for it.
The VeloDrone ( loudly) : La la la! La la la!
Gustave: That is interesting. Perhaps you would consider inviting me. I like to think I am something of a philosopher.
Gaius: And me.
Violetta: And me.
The VeloDrone: Well, umm, surely you are all too busy.....
Violetta: Oh no, we're not busy at all.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Stage 21: Creteil to Paris Champs Elysees
At last the Tour is virtually over and Cadel Evans has virtually won the race. All he has to do today is remain on his bicycle until the finish line in Paris, which he is confident of doing. Gaius, however, in spite of doing extremely well in the time trials yesterday, is feeling anything but confident today.
The VeloDrone: What's wrong old chap? You look a little green.
Le Bon David: That will be the mints.
The VeloDrone: Mints?
Gustave: Mints? What's this about mints?
Gaius: Violetta's mints. They made me go faster. But I improved so much yesterday I was selected for a spot drug test.
Violetta catches up to the group.
Violetta: What's this? A spot drug test, Gaius. You aren't worried are you?
Gaius: Of course I am. I might be disqualified because of you.
Violetta: Why does nobody trust me? They were just freaking MINTS! They'll find nothing but pure minted pee.
.......
Sweezus is riding near the back of the peloton with Farky. Belle et Bonne and Marie are riding beside them on their hired motorcycle.
Belle et Bonne: Cheer up Sweezie! Don't look so grim.
Sweezus: It's just that I'm so disappointed.
Marie: But it was your first Tour de France. You've done well just to finish.
Farky: So have I.
Belle et Bonne: You certainy have, Farky dear. Would you like some chocolate?
Farky: No.
Sweezus: I will, thanks. And have you got any champagne?
Marie: No we haven't. The race isn't actually over. Have a sports drink instead.
Sweezus: Have you got any mints? Gaius has been boasting about how they make him go faster.
Belle et Bonne: Mints, eh? Were they Violetta's? That man will get himself disqualified.
Sweezus: No, no. They're just mints. But he believes in them, that's what makes him go faster. Violetta is clever that way.
Marie: Huh.
Belle et Bonne: Huh.
Farky: Heh heh!
The VeloDrone: What's wrong old chap? You look a little green.
Le Bon David: That will be the mints.
The VeloDrone: Mints?
Gustave: Mints? What's this about mints?
Gaius: Violetta's mints. They made me go faster. But I improved so much yesterday I was selected for a spot drug test.
Violetta catches up to the group.
Violetta: What's this? A spot drug test, Gaius. You aren't worried are you?
Gaius: Of course I am. I might be disqualified because of you.
Violetta: Why does nobody trust me? They were just freaking MINTS! They'll find nothing but pure minted pee.
.......
Sweezus is riding near the back of the peloton with Farky. Belle et Bonne and Marie are riding beside them on their hired motorcycle.
Belle et Bonne: Cheer up Sweezie! Don't look so grim.
Sweezus: It's just that I'm so disappointed.
Marie: But it was your first Tour de France. You've done well just to finish.
Farky: So have I.
Belle et Bonne: You certainy have, Farky dear. Would you like some chocolate?
Farky: No.
Sweezus: I will, thanks. And have you got any champagne?
Marie: No we haven't. The race isn't actually over. Have a sports drink instead.
Sweezus: Have you got any mints? Gaius has been boasting about how they make him go faster.
Belle et Bonne: Mints, eh? Were they Violetta's? That man will get himself disqualified.
Sweezus: No, no. They're just mints. But he believes in them, that's what makes him go faster. Violetta is clever that way.
Marie: Huh.
Belle et Bonne: Huh.
Farky: Heh heh!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Stage 20: Grenoble to Grenoble
It's the day of the individual time trials and all eyes are on Evans and the Schlecks. The dogs have got together in the dog tent to watch the television coverage. Molly, Jacks, Tour and Frank Scleck's dog Stewie are glued to the screen.
Jacks: I'm really nervous.
Molly: You should be, Jacks. Cadel's done his homework.
Stewie: I'm nervous too.
Tour: Me too. I'm probably more nervous than all of you.
Jacks: You know what, in an ideal world we'd all be hanging out for Farky MacTaggart to win.
Tour: Why? Because he's a dog? That's racist.
Stewie: Worse, it's species-ist.
Molly: Farky MacTaggart. I went out with him once. He's cool. He's into Japanese literature.
Stewie: No kidding! So am I!
Tour: Me too! I love those comics.
Molly: Not the comics, lowbrow!
Tour: Wooo! Lowbrow am I? Who of you has read all of Don Quixote?
Stewie: Donkey who? Is that like Donkey Kong?
Jacks: Shut up everyone, and watch.
Molly: Who's on next? Hey, it's that old guy from Team Bumptious who did so well yesterday.
......
Gaius is getting ready for his time trial. Violetta and Le Bon David are encouraging him while watching him warm up.
Le Bon David: Now Gaius, you did extremely well yesterday. This is your chance to rise in the overall standings.
Gaius: Yes, from nearly bottom.
Violetta: Don't be defeatist. Have a mint.
Le Bon David: Mint? What sort of mint?
Gaius: They're hot mints. They buck you up. Thanks, Violetta.
He takes two.
Le Bon David: Violetta, I hope you are not taking advantage of the innocent nature of Gaius Plinius Secundus.
Violetta: As if!
Gaius: Of course she isn't. And thanks for the reminder David. It's not for nothing that I'm a proud Secundus!
Violetta: You're planning on coming second? You'd better have another mint.
Jacks: I'm really nervous.
Molly: You should be, Jacks. Cadel's done his homework.
Stewie: I'm nervous too.
Tour: Me too. I'm probably more nervous than all of you.
Jacks: You know what, in an ideal world we'd all be hanging out for Farky MacTaggart to win.
Tour: Why? Because he's a dog? That's racist.
Stewie: Worse, it's species-ist.
Molly: Farky MacTaggart. I went out with him once. He's cool. He's into Japanese literature.
Stewie: No kidding! So am I!
Tour: Me too! I love those comics.
Molly: Not the comics, lowbrow!
Tour: Wooo! Lowbrow am I? Who of you has read all of Don Quixote?
Stewie: Donkey who? Is that like Donkey Kong?
Jacks: Shut up everyone, and watch.
Molly: Who's on next? Hey, it's that old guy from Team Bumptious who did so well yesterday.
......
Gaius is getting ready for his time trial. Violetta and Le Bon David are encouraging him while watching him warm up.
Le Bon David: Now Gaius, you did extremely well yesterday. This is your chance to rise in the overall standings.
Gaius: Yes, from nearly bottom.
Violetta: Don't be defeatist. Have a mint.
Le Bon David: Mint? What sort of mint?
Gaius: They're hot mints. They buck you up. Thanks, Violetta.
He takes two.
Le Bon David: Violetta, I hope you are not taking advantage of the innocent nature of Gaius Plinius Secundus.
Violetta: As if!
Gaius: Of course she isn't. And thanks for the reminder David. It's not for nothing that I'm a proud Secundus!
Violetta: You're planning on coming second? You'd better have another mint.
Stage 19: Modane Valfrejus to Alpe d'Huez
Andy Schleck surprised everyone yesterday. Now it is Alberto Contador's turn to go out early. The VeloDrone and Gustave are not overly concerned.
Gustave: I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, Vello.
The VeloDrone: What was that?
Gustave : That the obvious can still be bizarre. I don't see how it can.
The VeloDrone: Tut! Sometimes I come out with these things. But I'm sure I can justify my statement.....yes yes, for example, say you are reading a novel, and the hero or heroine coughs. It is obvious that later in the novel he or she is going to die. And yet, it's just one cough! The situation is bizarre!
Gustave: Oh, well done, Vello! I like a man who can wriggle out of a stupid statement.
The VeloDrone: Do you?
.......
Meanwhile Violetta and Farky have dropped back to ride beside Gaius, who is looking troubled.
Violetta: Gaius! Farky and I are about to make our big move. Want to be in it?
Gaius: I don't think I'd be able to keep up.
Violetta: Here! Have one of these!
Farky: What's that?
Violetta: Nothing. Just a sweetie.
Gaius: I could use a sweetie. Is it a mint?
Violetta (coughs): Excuse me! Yes, just a mint. Swallow it quick!
Gaius: Thank you, Violetta.
He tries to swallow the 'mint' without any water, and chokes.
Gaius (coughs): Excuse me! Oh yes, that's done the trick. I think I'll keep up with you now.
.....
Sweezus has slowed down to draw level with The VeloDrone and Gustave.
Sweezus: What's wrong with Violetta and Gaius? I heard both of them coughing.
Gustave and The VeloDrone exchange knowing looks.
Gustave: I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, Vello.
The VeloDrone: What was that?
Gustave : That the obvious can still be bizarre. I don't see how it can.
The VeloDrone: Tut! Sometimes I come out with these things. But I'm sure I can justify my statement.....yes yes, for example, say you are reading a novel, and the hero or heroine coughs. It is obvious that later in the novel he or she is going to die. And yet, it's just one cough! The situation is bizarre!
Gustave: Oh, well done, Vello! I like a man who can wriggle out of a stupid statement.
The VeloDrone: Do you?
.......
Meanwhile Violetta and Farky have dropped back to ride beside Gaius, who is looking troubled.
Violetta: Gaius! Farky and I are about to make our big move. Want to be in it?
Gaius: I don't think I'd be able to keep up.
Violetta: Here! Have one of these!
Farky: What's that?
Violetta: Nothing. Just a sweetie.
Gaius: I could use a sweetie. Is it a mint?
Violetta (coughs): Excuse me! Yes, just a mint. Swallow it quick!
Gaius: Thank you, Violetta.
He tries to swallow the 'mint' without any water, and chokes.
Gaius (coughs): Excuse me! Oh yes, that's done the trick. I think I'll keep up with you now.
.....
Sweezus has slowed down to draw level with The VeloDrone and Gustave.
Sweezus: What's wrong with Violetta and Gaius? I heard both of them coughing.
Gustave and The VeloDrone exchange knowing looks.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Stage 18: Pinerolo to Galibier Serre-Chevalier
There are three big climbs today in Stage 18 of the Tour from Pinerolo to Galibier. Farky is hanging out with Tour, Alberto Contador's Weimaraner, half an hour before the start of the race.
Farky: Hiya Tour! How's Alberto feeling about today?
Tour: As if I would tell you.
Farky: Come on, you can tell me. I'm a fellow dog.
Tour: You may be a fellow dog, mi amigo, but you're also a rider in the race, and a rival of my Contador.
Farky: Fair enough, buddy, but I'll tell you our race plan if you'll tell me his.
Tour: No way, Farky, everyone knows your team's plan is cactus. But I'll tell you what. I'm friends with Andy Schleck's dog, Jacks. He's the Jack Russell over there. Want me to introduce you?
Farky: Yeah, I do.
......
Later, at the start of the climb up the Col d'Izoard, Farky draws alongside The VeloDrone and Gustave, who look less than confident about their chances of making it to the top.
The VeloDrone: Farky! Did you learn anything from that dog of Contador's?
Farky: You mean Tour?
The VeloDrone: Is that his name? Bizarre!
Gustave: It's not that bizarre. He'll be named after the Tour.
The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, alright. The obvious can still be bizarre. Well, did you learn anything?
Farky: Tour was too cagey, but I made friends with Andy Schleck's dog, Jacks.
Gustave: My giddy aunt! Do all of the riders have dogs?
Farky: Do you have a problem with that?
Gustave: No, it makes sense I suppose.
Farky: What d'you mean?
The VeloDrone: Save it, you two. What did he say?
Farky: Well, Jacks is a talker. He said Andy Schleck is going to make a big move on the Col d'Izoard.
The VeloDrone: Really? Where is he, then?
At this very moment Andy Schleck makes his big move and passes them on his way up the Col d'Izoard.
The VeloDrone: There he goes! Jacks was right. You're a useful fellow, Farky.
Farky: Thanks!
Gustave: What the devil was the use of us knowing that?
Farky: Hiya Tour! How's Alberto feeling about today?
Tour: As if I would tell you.
Farky: Come on, you can tell me. I'm a fellow dog.
Tour: You may be a fellow dog, mi amigo, but you're also a rider in the race, and a rival of my Contador.
Farky: Fair enough, buddy, but I'll tell you our race plan if you'll tell me his.
Tour: No way, Farky, everyone knows your team's plan is cactus. But I'll tell you what. I'm friends with Andy Schleck's dog, Jacks. He's the Jack Russell over there. Want me to introduce you?
Farky: Yeah, I do.
......
Later, at the start of the climb up the Col d'Izoard, Farky draws alongside The VeloDrone and Gustave, who look less than confident about their chances of making it to the top.
The VeloDrone: Farky! Did you learn anything from that dog of Contador's?
Farky: You mean Tour?
The VeloDrone: Is that his name? Bizarre!
Gustave: It's not that bizarre. He'll be named after the Tour.
The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, alright. The obvious can still be bizarre. Well, did you learn anything?
Farky: Tour was too cagey, but I made friends with Andy Schleck's dog, Jacks.
Gustave: My giddy aunt! Do all of the riders have dogs?
Farky: Do you have a problem with that?
Gustave: No, it makes sense I suppose.
Farky: What d'you mean?
The VeloDrone: Save it, you two. What did he say?
Farky: Well, Jacks is a talker. He said Andy Schleck is going to make a big move on the Col d'Izoard.
The VeloDrone: Really? Where is he, then?
At this very moment Andy Schleck makes his big move and passes them on his way up the Col d'Izoard.
The VeloDrone: There he goes! Jacks was right. You're a useful fellow, Farky.
Farky: Thanks!
Gustave: What the devil was the use of us knowing that?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Stage 17: Gap to Pinerolo
Today the Tour is riding through the Alps, and passing into Italy. Belle et Bonne and Marie have hired a motor bike and a movie camera and are following the riders on the road. The first rider they catch up with is Sweezus.
Marie: Hi Sweezus! Looking good! Are you feeling better today?
Sweezus: Whoah! What are you two doing here? You aren't allowed to ride beside the peloton!
Belle et Bonne: Too bad, because we are. Would you like a Power Bar, Sweezus dear?
Sweezus: Thanks Belle. And yes, I'm feeling a lot better today although I've still got the runs. It was bad luck about that Duck a la Limoux. But do you know what Gustave is saying?
Belle et Bonne: No. What is he saying?
Sweezus: He reckons Violetta is at the bottom of it. He thinks that she somehow poisoned the Duck in order to give him and Gaius the runs so that they would ride faster.
Marie: Oh that's hilarious! Why would she poison herself as well?
Sweezus: Gustave thinks she's capable of anything.
Belle et Bonne: Well, that lets us off the hook then. But we're sorry, Sweezie darling. And about letting everyone drink too much as well.
Sweezus: Don't worry, Farky and I didn't drink too much. Farky didn't drink anything but water. By the way, Farky's made friends with Alberto Contador's dog at last. Could be handy. Well, better get my skates on. Bye girls, and thanks for the Power Bar!
Sweezus put his head down and started pedalling. Belle et Bonne and Marie zoomed up the road and soon drew alongside The VeloDrone and Le Bon David, who were pedalling furiously uphill.
The VeloDrone: Marie! Belle et Bonne! What are you doing on that motor bike?
Marie: Filming you! Smile!
Le Bon David: You naughty girls. As if you haven't caused enough trouble already.
Belle et Bonne: It wasn't us, it was Violetta.
Le Bon David: What was? Has there been another graffiti incident?
The VeloDrone: Another! Has there been one?
Le Bon David: I thought someone sploshed a blob of paint on the Virgin's nose back at Lourdes?
Belle et Bonne: That was just a rumour. Hey guess what we just heard? Farky has made friends with Alberto Contador's dog!
The VeloDrone: Brilliant! At last! We'll get some inside information on his race plan. Now girls, make yourselves useful!
Marie: How?
The VeloDrone: Give us a tow up this hill.
Belle et Bonne: Papa!
Marie: Hi Sweezus! Looking good! Are you feeling better today?
Sweezus: Whoah! What are you two doing here? You aren't allowed to ride beside the peloton!
Belle et Bonne: Too bad, because we are. Would you like a Power Bar, Sweezus dear?
Sweezus: Thanks Belle. And yes, I'm feeling a lot better today although I've still got the runs. It was bad luck about that Duck a la Limoux. But do you know what Gustave is saying?
Belle et Bonne: No. What is he saying?
Sweezus: He reckons Violetta is at the bottom of it. He thinks that she somehow poisoned the Duck in order to give him and Gaius the runs so that they would ride faster.
Marie: Oh that's hilarious! Why would she poison herself as well?
Sweezus: Gustave thinks she's capable of anything.
Belle et Bonne: Well, that lets us off the hook then. But we're sorry, Sweezie darling. And about letting everyone drink too much as well.
Sweezus: Don't worry, Farky and I didn't drink too much. Farky didn't drink anything but water. By the way, Farky's made friends with Alberto Contador's dog at last. Could be handy. Well, better get my skates on. Bye girls, and thanks for the Power Bar!
Sweezus put his head down and started pedalling. Belle et Bonne and Marie zoomed up the road and soon drew alongside The VeloDrone and Le Bon David, who were pedalling furiously uphill.
The VeloDrone: Marie! Belle et Bonne! What are you doing on that motor bike?
Marie: Filming you! Smile!
Le Bon David: You naughty girls. As if you haven't caused enough trouble already.
Belle et Bonne: It wasn't us, it was Violetta.
Le Bon David: What was? Has there been another graffiti incident?
The VeloDrone: Another! Has there been one?
Le Bon David: I thought someone sploshed a blob of paint on the Virgin's nose back at Lourdes?
Belle et Bonne: That was just a rumour. Hey guess what we just heard? Farky has made friends with Alberto Contador's dog!
The VeloDrone: Brilliant! At last! We'll get some inside information on his race plan. Now girls, make yourselves useful!
Marie: How?
The VeloDrone: Give us a tow up this hill.
Belle et Bonne: Papa!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Stage 16: Saint-Paul-Trois-Chateaux to Gap
It's now Stage 16 in the Tour de France, and the last day before the Alps. We are about to find out what sort of stuff Alberto Contador, Cadel Evans and Andy Schleck are made of. On the wet descent into Gap, Evans passes Contador, to become overall second in the race. The commentators are excited.
Phil Liggett: Look at that! Evans is showing that he really wants to win this race.
Paul Sherwen: He is indeed. But Contador is still a force to be reckoned with.
Phil Liggett: He is. But where's Andy Schleck? He certainly doesn't seem to be at his best today.
Paul Sherwen: No he doesn't. Perhaps he ate something that disagreed with him yesterday.
Phil Liggett: If he did he wouldn't be the only one. The story is that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious are suffering nasty stomach cramps after eating some Duck a la Limoux at their rest day picnic.
Paul Sherwen: That's one version of the story, Phil. I've heard from other sources that they overindulged in some of the local wines as well, and that's the reason why they're a little bit under the weather this morning.
Phil Liggett: Well, well. At least they're still riding. And they're very fortunate that their best rider Farky MacTaggart doesn't seem to have been affected at all.
Paul Sherwen: No. I was chatting to his team mate Sweezus earlier, and he told me that Farky MacTaggart is tee total, and also that he will never knowingly eat garlic. Which is by the way one of the main ingredients of Duck a la Limoux.
Phil Liggett: Well, thanks for that information Paul. Now perhaps you'd like to tell us why the air here smells of lavender?
Paul Sherwen: But it doesn't, does it?
Phil Liggett: I was just testing you.
Paul Sherwen: It does in the spring.
Phil Liggett: There you have it, from the man who knows.
Phil Liggett: Look at that! Evans is showing that he really wants to win this race.
Paul Sherwen: He is indeed. But Contador is still a force to be reckoned with.
Phil Liggett: He is. But where's Andy Schleck? He certainly doesn't seem to be at his best today.
Paul Sherwen: No he doesn't. Perhaps he ate something that disagreed with him yesterday.
Phil Liggett: If he did he wouldn't be the only one. The story is that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious are suffering nasty stomach cramps after eating some Duck a la Limoux at their rest day picnic.
Paul Sherwen: That's one version of the story, Phil. I've heard from other sources that they overindulged in some of the local wines as well, and that's the reason why they're a little bit under the weather this morning.
Phil Liggett: Well, well. At least they're still riding. And they're very fortunate that their best rider Farky MacTaggart doesn't seem to have been affected at all.
Paul Sherwen: No. I was chatting to his team mate Sweezus earlier, and he told me that Farky MacTaggart is tee total, and also that he will never knowingly eat garlic. Which is by the way one of the main ingredients of Duck a la Limoux.
Phil Liggett: Well, thanks for that information Paul. Now perhaps you'd like to tell us why the air here smells of lavender?
Paul Sherwen: But it doesn't, does it?
Phil Liggett: I was just testing you.
Paul Sherwen: It does in the spring.
Phil Liggett: There you have it, from the man who knows.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Rest Day: Picnic with Professor Freud
It is the second rest day of the Tour. Team Philosophe, Team Bumptious, Belle et Bonne, Marie and Professor Freud have spread their picnic in a field of flowers outside Montpellier. All except Farky have already tossed down a few glasses of Blanquette de Limoux. Professor Freud is explaining the psychology of Yukio Mishima to anyone who cares to listen.
Professor Freud: Of course, it was all because his grandmother, a woman prone to morbid and violent outbursts, took him away from his family at a very young age, kept him out of the sunlight and only allowed him to play with his girl cousins and their dolls.
Belle et Bonne: You don't say! Here Professor, have a pebradou.
Professor Freud: Thank you my dear. What is this again? A stuffed bun?
Marie: No that's not the stuffed bun. That comes later. This is an aperitif cake. Have a splash more of Blanquette to go with it.
Le Bon David: I'll have more too, Marie. It's a jolly good drop.
Sweezus: This is brilliant! What a day! What a picnic! What's this yellow meat?
Farky: I already asked. It's Duck a la Limoux. Duck with saffron and garlic. Yucky duck.
Sweezus: But I thought you liked duck. Is it the garlic? You can eat a mint afterwards.
Gustave: Yes Farky, a mint will get rid of garlic breath.
Gaius: Yes it will, it's been a tried and true method since Roman times.
Farky: I know you humans think so, but it doesn't work for dogs. In fact, let me tell you something, it doesn't work that well for humans either....
Professor Freud: ....and then, when he went back to live with his family, his father, a strict military disciplinarian, used to hold him up to speeding trains, and raid his room to search for poetry. A classic case.....
Violetta: A classic case of what, Professor?
Professor Freud: Of someone who becomes fascinated by death of course.
Violetta: Who are we talking about?
The VeloDrone: Molly is it? The dachshund. May I try that Cremant, Belle dear?
Le Bon David: Me too, while you've got the bottle there, Belle.
Belle et Bonne: Molly isn't fascinated by death. She just got confused by the authorial voice.
Farky: Is that what it was? Did you and Marie think the same?
Violetta: The same as what?
Farky: That the text was written by a madman.
Violetta: I have to read this book.
Marie: We thought that it would have been best not to know anything at all about the author, either before or after reading it.
Violetta: Well, thank you Professor.
Professor Freud: What have I done? And when are we having this stuffed bun?
Professor Freud: Of course, it was all because his grandmother, a woman prone to morbid and violent outbursts, took him away from his family at a very young age, kept him out of the sunlight and only allowed him to play with his girl cousins and their dolls.
Belle et Bonne: You don't say! Here Professor, have a pebradou.
Professor Freud: Thank you my dear. What is this again? A stuffed bun?
Marie: No that's not the stuffed bun. That comes later. This is an aperitif cake. Have a splash more of Blanquette to go with it.
Le Bon David: I'll have more too, Marie. It's a jolly good drop.
Sweezus: This is brilliant! What a day! What a picnic! What's this yellow meat?
Farky: I already asked. It's Duck a la Limoux. Duck with saffron and garlic. Yucky duck.
Sweezus: But I thought you liked duck. Is it the garlic? You can eat a mint afterwards.
Gustave: Yes Farky, a mint will get rid of garlic breath.
Gaius: Yes it will, it's been a tried and true method since Roman times.
Farky: I know you humans think so, but it doesn't work for dogs. In fact, let me tell you something, it doesn't work that well for humans either....
Professor Freud: ....and then, when he went back to live with his family, his father, a strict military disciplinarian, used to hold him up to speeding trains, and raid his room to search for poetry. A classic case.....
Violetta: A classic case of what, Professor?
Professor Freud: Of someone who becomes fascinated by death of course.
Violetta: Who are we talking about?
The VeloDrone: Molly is it? The dachshund. May I try that Cremant, Belle dear?
Le Bon David: Me too, while you've got the bottle there, Belle.
Belle et Bonne: Molly isn't fascinated by death. She just got confused by the authorial voice.
Farky: Is that what it was? Did you and Marie think the same?
Violetta: The same as what?
Farky: That the text was written by a madman.
Violetta: I have to read this book.
Marie: We thought that it would have been best not to know anything at all about the author, either before or after reading it.
Violetta: Well, thank you Professor.
Professor Freud: What have I done? And when are we having this stuffed bun?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Stage 15: Limoux to Montpellier
It is windy on the route from Limoux to Montpellier, but at least there are no steep climbs. Some of the riders are chatting amongst themselves.
Mark Cavendish: Hey, Contador! Do you ever feed your dog garlic?
Alberto Contador: Si! Claro! We eat lots of garlic.
Mark Cavendish: What about your dog, Cadel?
Cadel Evans: Pfffft! Never touch it. Why?
Mark Cavendish: Oh, nothing. Just wondered if it's good for dogs.
Thomas Voeckler: Hee Hee! It would be no good for yours.
Mark Cavendish: That's not funny, Thomas. Bugger off!
......
Meanwhile, Belle et Bonne and Marie are shopping in Limoux for the picnic tomorrow, when who should they see in the cake shop but their friend Professor Freud.
Belle et Bonne: Professor! It's lovely to see you again. How are you enjoying the Tour?
Professor Freud: There are too many fools on the sidelines.
Marie: That just makes it more fun.
Professor Freud: And none of my friends are here.
Belle et Bonne: Oh poor Professor Freud! Would you like to come to our picnic tomorrow?
Professor Freud: Picnic? Why thank you my dear. I should love to. Are these some of the things we will be having?
Belle et Bonne: Yes. We thought we'd buy lots of Limoux specialties. We'll start with some peradou, an aperitif cake, then we'll have some artichoke with salted liver, and some Limouxine duck, some Limos, which is a sort of stuffed bun, and finish off with some tap, which is chocolate.
Marie: And to drink, we'll have the local white wines, Blanquette de Limoux, and Crement de Limoux.
Professor Freud: I look forward to it. And perhaps we shall find time to discuss Yukio Mishima's book? Have you both finished it?
Marie: Yes we have. Now we understand how Molly the dachshund felt while she was reading it.
Professor Freud: A dog's view! That will be of great interest to me.
Mark Cavendish: Hey, Contador! Do you ever feed your dog garlic?
Alberto Contador: Si! Claro! We eat lots of garlic.
Mark Cavendish: What about your dog, Cadel?
Cadel Evans: Pfffft! Never touch it. Why?
Mark Cavendish: Oh, nothing. Just wondered if it's good for dogs.
Thomas Voeckler: Hee Hee! It would be no good for yours.
Mark Cavendish: That's not funny, Thomas. Bugger off!
......
Meanwhile, Belle et Bonne and Marie are shopping in Limoux for the picnic tomorrow, when who should they see in the cake shop but their friend Professor Freud.
Belle et Bonne: Professor! It's lovely to see you again. How are you enjoying the Tour?
Professor Freud: There are too many fools on the sidelines.
Marie: That just makes it more fun.
Professor Freud: And none of my friends are here.
Belle et Bonne: Oh poor Professor Freud! Would you like to come to our picnic tomorrow?
Professor Freud: Picnic? Why thank you my dear. I should love to. Are these some of the things we will be having?
Belle et Bonne: Yes. We thought we'd buy lots of Limoux specialties. We'll start with some peradou, an aperitif cake, then we'll have some artichoke with salted liver, and some Limouxine duck, some Limos, which is a sort of stuffed bun, and finish off with some tap, which is chocolate.
Marie: And to drink, we'll have the local white wines, Blanquette de Limoux, and Crement de Limoux.
Professor Freud: I look forward to it. And perhaps we shall find time to discuss Yukio Mishima's book? Have you both finished it?
Marie: Yes we have. Now we understand how Molly the dachshund felt while she was reading it.
Professor Freud: A dog's view! That will be of great interest to me.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Stage 14: Saint-Gaudens to Plateau de Beille
There are six tough climbs in the Stage today, but at least two members of Team Bumptious have already exhausted themselves on the route to Lourdes, the day before.
Violetta: Come on guys, it was just a joke!
Gustave: It was no joke Violetta. The gendarmes were on our tail.
Gaius: Yes, and that wasn't all. We had to catch you up to try and prevent you from sploshing the shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes.
Violetta: Ha ha! As if I would really do that! But it made you go faster, yes?
Gustave: It did! But now look at us.
Violetta: Pooh! What slugs you two are!
She pedalled away.
Gaius: So, she wouldn't have done it.
Gustave: Maybe she wouldn't. But she must have already done something, since the gendarmes are after us.
Gaius: Yes, that's true. I wonder why they haven't caught up to us yet?
.......
Meanwhile Violetta had caught up to Sweezus and Farky, on the Col de Latrape.
Sweezus: Hi Violetta! Congratulations for yesterday! Where are the others?
Violetta: They've slowed down again. I'll have to come up with something else to get them moving. How are you two doing?
Farky: Wuh! Bike racing is hard for dogs.
Sweezus: It's hard for me too.
Violetta: It's meant to be hard. What's the matter with everyone?
Sweezus: Oh, I don't know. I'm not doing as well as I hoped. I wanted to win a stage, and I haven't even come close.
Violetta: It's not over yet. I didn't know you wanted to win a stage though. I thought you were just here to support The VeloDrone.
Sweezus: Oh that too. But I would like to make my mark in the world.
Violetta: I can help you there!
Sweezus: Really?
Farky: Don't listen to her!
Violetta: Why does nobody trust me?
Violetta: Come on guys, it was just a joke!
Gustave: It was no joke Violetta. The gendarmes were on our tail.
Gaius: Yes, and that wasn't all. We had to catch you up to try and prevent you from sploshing the shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes.
Violetta: Ha ha! As if I would really do that! But it made you go faster, yes?
Gustave: It did! But now look at us.
Violetta: Pooh! What slugs you two are!
She pedalled away.
Gaius: So, she wouldn't have done it.
Gustave: Maybe she wouldn't. But she must have already done something, since the gendarmes are after us.
Gaius: Yes, that's true. I wonder why they haven't caught up to us yet?
.......
Meanwhile Violetta had caught up to Sweezus and Farky, on the Col de Latrape.
Sweezus: Hi Violetta! Congratulations for yesterday! Where are the others?
Violetta: They've slowed down again. I'll have to come up with something else to get them moving. How are you two doing?
Farky: Wuh! Bike racing is hard for dogs.
Sweezus: It's hard for me too.
Violetta: It's meant to be hard. What's the matter with everyone?
Sweezus: Oh, I don't know. I'm not doing as well as I hoped. I wanted to win a stage, and I haven't even come close.
Violetta: It's not over yet. I didn't know you wanted to win a stage though. I thought you were just here to support The VeloDrone.
Sweezus: Oh that too. But I would like to make my mark in the world.
Violetta: I can help you there!
Sweezus: Really?
Farky: Don't listen to her!
Violetta: Why does nobody trust me?
Stage 13: Pau to Lourdes
It is now Stage 13 of the Tour de France, and Le Bon David and The VeloDrone are again walking their bicycles up a hill. Today it is the Col d'Aubisque, somewhere on the way to Lourdes.
The VeloDrone: These hills! I shall be glad to get to Lourdes.
Le Bon David: Me too.
The VeloDrone: Ah, Lourdes, the home of miracles. How was it that you used to describe a miracle, David?
Le Bon David: A violation of the laws of nature.
The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, that was it. I wonder what young Sweezus thinks of miracles. We should ask him.
Just then Sweezus appeared behind them, although this was not a miracle. He had made a comfort stop, and was now catching up.
Sweezus: Hi guys? Walking? How come?
The VeloDrone: We may walk all the way to Lourdes. We're quite knackered. Strangely, we were just talking about you.
Le Bon David: Yes, we were wondering about your thoughts on miracles.
Sweezus: Miracles? You're asking the wrong guy. I never paid attention in Religious Ed. That was when I used to catch up on my homework.
Le Bon David: But surely....aren't you supposed to have done a few yourself?
Sweezus; Am I? Don't think so. But if you want to hear a real miracle I have one for you.
The VeloDrone: What?
Sweezus: Team Bumptious are leading the breakaway. They're riding like the clappers. God knows why.
The VeloDrone: These hills! I shall be glad to get to Lourdes.
Le Bon David: Me too.
The VeloDrone: Ah, Lourdes, the home of miracles. How was it that you used to describe a miracle, David?
Le Bon David: A violation of the laws of nature.
The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, that was it. I wonder what young Sweezus thinks of miracles. We should ask him.
Just then Sweezus appeared behind them, although this was not a miracle. He had made a comfort stop, and was now catching up.
Sweezus: Hi guys? Walking? How come?
The VeloDrone: We may walk all the way to Lourdes. We're quite knackered. Strangely, we were just talking about you.
Le Bon David: Yes, we were wondering about your thoughts on miracles.
Sweezus: Miracles? You're asking the wrong guy. I never paid attention in Religious Ed. That was when I used to catch up on my homework.
Le Bon David: But surely....aren't you supposed to have done a few yourself?
Sweezus; Am I? Don't think so. But if you want to hear a real miracle I have one for you.
The VeloDrone: What?
Sweezus: Team Bumptious are leading the breakaway. They're riding like the clappers. God knows why.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Stage 12: Cugnaux to Luz-Ardiden
The Tour has now reached the Pyrenees. Gustave and Gaius are toiling up the Col du Tourmalet, cursing the day they were born.
Gustave: Uh huh, uh huh, uuuuh, this is killing me!
Gaius: Courage my friend! It's killing me too.
Gustave: I don't have the legs!
Gaius: Think of France! Neither do I.
Gustave: My poor friend! Think of ancient Rome!
Gaius: I do! There were no bicycles then.
Gustave: Where is Violetta?
Gaius: Up the front somewhere. No one can say she hasn't the legs.
Gustave: She is like a machine, that woman. If only we could trust her....
Gaius: But we can't. You know the gendarmes are asking questions about you?
Gustave: Merde! About me?
......
Meanwhile, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are even further behind, having decided to walk their bicycles up the Col.
The VeloDrone: After all, what does it matter? We don't want to kill ourselves.
Le Bon David: True, true. We don't want to die.
The VeloDrone: Not today, anyway.
Le Bon David: Ha ha! Naturally, I meant not today. But I can't help thinking about that Japanese chappie.
The VeloDrone: Yukio Mishima?
Le Bon David: Yes, him, and his seppuku.
The VeloDrone: But of course, with a grandmother like that, not allowing him sunlight....
Le Bon David: And a father like that, holding him up to speeding trains....
The VeloDrone: It's a wonder he achieved anything at all. And yet, he was undoubtedly a brilliant novelist.
Le Bon David: And how are the girls enjoying the book?
The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne nearly gave up at the disembowelling of the kitten, but Marie persuaded her to go on.
Le Bon David: Good, good. By the way, I'm starving. Is there anything to nibble?
The VeloDrone: Let me see. Here, let's go halves in a Kit Kat.
Gustave: Uh huh, uh huh, uuuuh, this is killing me!
Gaius: Courage my friend! It's killing me too.
Gustave: I don't have the legs!
Gaius: Think of France! Neither do I.
Gustave: My poor friend! Think of ancient Rome!
Gaius: I do! There were no bicycles then.
Gustave: Where is Violetta?
Gaius: Up the front somewhere. No one can say she hasn't the legs.
Gustave: She is like a machine, that woman. If only we could trust her....
Gaius: But we can't. You know the gendarmes are asking questions about you?
Gustave: Merde! About me?
......
Meanwhile, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are even further behind, having decided to walk their bicycles up the Col.
The VeloDrone: After all, what does it matter? We don't want to kill ourselves.
Le Bon David: True, true. We don't want to die.
The VeloDrone: Not today, anyway.
Le Bon David: Ha ha! Naturally, I meant not today. But I can't help thinking about that Japanese chappie.
The VeloDrone: Yukio Mishima?
Le Bon David: Yes, him, and his seppuku.
The VeloDrone: But of course, with a grandmother like that, not allowing him sunlight....
Le Bon David: And a father like that, holding him up to speeding trains....
The VeloDrone: It's a wonder he achieved anything at all. And yet, he was undoubtedly a brilliant novelist.
Le Bon David: And how are the girls enjoying the book?
The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne nearly gave up at the disembowelling of the kitten, but Marie persuaded her to go on.
Le Bon David: Good, good. By the way, I'm starving. Is there anything to nibble?
The VeloDrone: Let me see. Here, let's go halves in a Kit Kat.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Stage 11: Blaye-les-Mines to Lavaur
Belle et Bonne and Marie are in the bookshop, looking for a copy of The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea. They have just located one and picked it up from the shelf when they see Professor Freud peering in their direction.
Marie: Oh look! Is that Professor Freud?
Belle et Bonne: Yes it is! Hello Professor! I didn't know you were riding in the Tour this year!
Professor Freud: Hello my dears. No, I'm not riding, I'm not allowed to after the stone-throwing incident last year.
Belle et Bonne: Oh dear. Yes, I remember. That wasn't really your fault.
Professor Freud: Yes it was. I should have known better.
Belle et Bonne: You were just testing Galileo's theory.
Professor Freud: I was, but it was the wrong place to be doing it. What's this you're reading?
Marie: It's Yukio Mishima's The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea.
Professor Freud: An interesting book, by a fascinating case study! Let me know what you think when you've read it.
Belle et Bonne: Yes, we will.
.....
Meanwhile it is cool and wet on the Stage 11 road from Blaye-les-Mines to Lavaur. Cavendish, the Manx Missile is riding next to Farky, who is bemoaning his fate.
Farky: And I was going out on a date with her last night, but I had to cancel.
Mark Cavendish: Why was that?
Farky: Garlic breath.
Mark Cavendish: Aah.
Farky: Garlic's no good for dogs.....
Mark Cavendish: I used to give garlic to my Golden Retriever.
Farky: And now it's dead.
Mark Cavendish: Oops! Sprint's coming up! Bye!
Marie: Oh look! Is that Professor Freud?
Belle et Bonne: Yes it is! Hello Professor! I didn't know you were riding in the Tour this year!
Professor Freud: Hello my dears. No, I'm not riding, I'm not allowed to after the stone-throwing incident last year.
Belle et Bonne: Oh dear. Yes, I remember. That wasn't really your fault.
Professor Freud: Yes it was. I should have known better.
Belle et Bonne: You were just testing Galileo's theory.
Professor Freud: I was, but it was the wrong place to be doing it. What's this you're reading?
Marie: It's Yukio Mishima's The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea.
Professor Freud: An interesting book, by a fascinating case study! Let me know what you think when you've read it.
Belle et Bonne: Yes, we will.
.....
Meanwhile it is cool and wet on the Stage 11 road from Blaye-les-Mines to Lavaur. Cavendish, the Manx Missile is riding next to Farky, who is bemoaning his fate.
Farky: And I was going out on a date with her last night, but I had to cancel.
Mark Cavendish: Why was that?
Farky: Garlic breath.
Mark Cavendish: Aah.
Farky: Garlic's no good for dogs.....
Mark Cavendish: I used to give garlic to my Golden Retriever.
Farky: And now it's dead.
Mark Cavendish: Oops! Sprint's coming up! Bye!
Stage 10: Aurillac to Carmaux
Farky, who had drunk water at the picnic, was riding up near the front of the peloton. The others were feeling a little under the weather, and kept towards the back.
Sweezus: What are Belle et Bonne and Marie doing today?
The VeloDrone: They're looking for a bookshop. They want to buy a copy of The Sailor Who Fell from Grace With the Sea.
Violetta: Sheesh! I wouldn't want to read it. Farky hasn't exactly been talking it up.
Sweezus: Yeah, funny isn't it. He keeps saying 'it gets worse'.
Le Bon David: I gather he means it gets worse for Molly. Poor Molly. She should never have googled the author.
Gustave: Yes, I agree. The story is gruesome enough, but what happened to the author was worse.
Violetta: You mean, when his friend failed to cut off his head? So another friend had to do it. And then the first friend had to do seppuku too.
Gaius: What's so terrible about that? We Romans....
Gustave: Button up Gaius! No, it was worse than that.
Sweezus: Now you sound like Farky.
Gustave: Well it was. Worse for Molly.
Le Bon David: Absolutely. When she read about Yukio Mishima's childhood.....
Sweezus: Yeah.
Just then Farky appeared, dropping back to ride with them.
Farky: Burrrp! Oooh! Pardon! What was in that aligot stuff we ate yesterday?
Violetta: Just Chantal cheese, mashed potato and garlic.
Farky: Yikes! Garlic! Molly hates garlic. I'm done for!
Sweezus: What are Belle et Bonne and Marie doing today?
The VeloDrone: They're looking for a bookshop. They want to buy a copy of The Sailor Who Fell from Grace With the Sea.
Violetta: Sheesh! I wouldn't want to read it. Farky hasn't exactly been talking it up.
Sweezus: Yeah, funny isn't it. He keeps saying 'it gets worse'.
Le Bon David: I gather he means it gets worse for Molly. Poor Molly. She should never have googled the author.
Gustave: Yes, I agree. The story is gruesome enough, but what happened to the author was worse.
Violetta: You mean, when his friend failed to cut off his head? So another friend had to do it. And then the first friend had to do seppuku too.
Gaius: What's so terrible about that? We Romans....
Gustave: Button up Gaius! No, it was worse than that.
Sweezus: Now you sound like Farky.
Gustave: Well it was. Worse for Molly.
Le Bon David: Absolutely. When she read about Yukio Mishima's childhood.....
Sweezus: Yeah.
Just then Farky appeared, dropping back to ride with them.
Farky: Burrrp! Oooh! Pardon! What was in that aligot stuff we ate yesterday?
Violetta: Just Chantal cheese, mashed potato and garlic.
Farky: Yikes! Garlic! Molly hates garlic. I'm done for!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Rest Day: Picnic and Surprise
The VeloDrone's picnic took place in a grassy meadow outside Saint-Flour. He had organised a special surprise. The bearers of the picnic baskets were Belle et Bonne, and Marie!
After the necessary introductions, they sat down and began to eat. Belle et Bonne's basket was crammed full of local sausages, Saint Nectaire cheese, aligot and baguettes. Marie opened her basket to reveal a tempting array of chouquettes, macarons, a baked tarte tatin, still warm from the oven, a bowl of wild strawberries and a pot of fresh cream.
Gustave: What is there to drink?
The VeloDrone: Don't worry about that! I've brought champagne galore!
Farky: No water?
The VeloDrone: No, of course not. I do have some Powerade somewhere, I think.
Farky: Erk! That stuff makes me break out in spots.
Belle et Bonne: Oh poor Farky! Don't worry, I have some water in this bottle.
Sweezus: Oh Belle et Bonne, Marie, it's so good to see you!
Belle et Bonne: You too, darling Sweezus.
Violetta: Ahem. I've heard so much about you two girls.
Marie: We've heard so much about you too, SPLOSH!
Violetta: Really? You've heard of me? No way! Wow!
Gustave (munching on a sausage): Violetta, you and I need to talk.....
Le Bon David: Well isn't this lovely! The meadow flowers, yellow gentians, lilies, butterflies, sunshine, cows......
Gaius: Red and black kites, eagles, buzzards....
The VeloDrone: What? Buzzards? Where?
Gaius: I can't actually see any just now.
The VeloDrone: Good.
Marie: Well, everyone, how's the race plan been going?
Le Bon David: It's been going great guns! Violetta here has something up her sleeve.
Gustave: I think it's well past being up her sleeve...
Le Bon David: ...and Farky has made friends with Cadel Evans' dog, Molly the dachshund. He tells us she's into Japanese literature.
Marie: Oh how sweet! Manga comics?
Farky: No, much darker than that.
And Farky was once again off on his favourite theme.
After the necessary introductions, they sat down and began to eat. Belle et Bonne's basket was crammed full of local sausages, Saint Nectaire cheese, aligot and baguettes. Marie opened her basket to reveal a tempting array of chouquettes, macarons, a baked tarte tatin, still warm from the oven, a bowl of wild strawberries and a pot of fresh cream.
Gustave: What is there to drink?
The VeloDrone: Don't worry about that! I've brought champagne galore!
Farky: No water?
The VeloDrone: No, of course not. I do have some Powerade somewhere, I think.
Farky: Erk! That stuff makes me break out in spots.
Belle et Bonne: Oh poor Farky! Don't worry, I have some water in this bottle.
Sweezus: Oh Belle et Bonne, Marie, it's so good to see you!
Belle et Bonne: You too, darling Sweezus.
Violetta: Ahem. I've heard so much about you two girls.
Marie: We've heard so much about you too, SPLOSH!
Violetta: Really? You've heard of me? No way! Wow!
Gustave (munching on a sausage): Violetta, you and I need to talk.....
Le Bon David: Well isn't this lovely! The meadow flowers, yellow gentians, lilies, butterflies, sunshine, cows......
Gaius: Red and black kites, eagles, buzzards....
The VeloDrone: What? Buzzards? Where?
Gaius: I can't actually see any just now.
The VeloDrone: Good.
Marie: Well, everyone, how's the race plan been going?
Le Bon David: It's been going great guns! Violetta here has something up her sleeve.
Gustave: I think it's well past being up her sleeve...
Le Bon David: ...and Farky has made friends with Cadel Evans' dog, Molly the dachshund. He tells us she's into Japanese literature.
Marie: Oh how sweet! Manga comics?
Farky: No, much darker than that.
And Farky was once again off on his favourite theme.
Stage 9: Issoire to Saint-Flour
The following day, Le Bon David was still smarting from Gustave's remark. Dodging fallen riders, he manoeuvred his bike into the space beside his new team mate.
Le Bon David: I've been thinking, Gustave, about what you said yesterday.
Gustave: Have you, David? Remind me, what did I say?
Le Bon David: You said, 'And you call yourself a philosopher'.
Gustave: Oh yes, you don't seem a very ethical one. Nor do any of your so-called Team Philosophe.
Le Bon David: Well, I just wanted to say, I think that's rich coming from you.
Gustave (shocked): Why so?
Le Bon David: One word, Gustave, one word: Grafitti.
Gustave (even more shocked): Mon dieu! You don't think it was ME!
.....
Meanwhile Farky, riding slowly uphill with Sweezus and The VeloDrone, was telling them all about Molly.
Farky: And to make matters worse, she googled the author Yukio Mishima, and discovered a terrible thing.
Sweezus: What?
Farky: When Yukio Mishima had completed his masterpiece, a tetrology called The Sea of Fertility, he committed seppuku.
The VeloDrone: Good gracious, how dreadful!
Sweezus: What's that? What's seppuku?
The VeloDrone: It's ritual suicide.
Farky: Yes. Ritual suicide. Yukio always said he would die when he finished it. But it gets worse.
Sweezus: How can it get worse?
Farky, Well what you do is, you kill yourself and then your friend cuts off your head.
Sweezus: Euuggh!
Farky: No, it gets even worse.
Sweezus: I don't want to hear it.
The VeloDrone: Save it for tomorrow, Farky old chap. We're having a rest day, and I'm inviting Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious to a grand picnic.
Sweezus: Yeah, save it, Farky. A picnic! That's cool!
Le Bon David: I've been thinking, Gustave, about what you said yesterday.
Gustave: Have you, David? Remind me, what did I say?
Le Bon David: You said, 'And you call yourself a philosopher'.
Gustave: Oh yes, you don't seem a very ethical one. Nor do any of your so-called Team Philosophe.
Le Bon David: Well, I just wanted to say, I think that's rich coming from you.
Gustave (shocked): Why so?
Le Bon David: One word, Gustave, one word: Grafitti.
Gustave (even more shocked): Mon dieu! You don't think it was ME!
.....
Meanwhile Farky, riding slowly uphill with Sweezus and The VeloDrone, was telling them all about Molly.
Farky: And to make matters worse, she googled the author Yukio Mishima, and discovered a terrible thing.
Sweezus: What?
Farky: When Yukio Mishima had completed his masterpiece, a tetrology called The Sea of Fertility, he committed seppuku.
The VeloDrone: Good gracious, how dreadful!
Sweezus: What's that? What's seppuku?
The VeloDrone: It's ritual suicide.
Farky: Yes. Ritual suicide. Yukio always said he would die when he finished it. But it gets worse.
Sweezus: How can it get worse?
Farky, Well what you do is, you kill yourself and then your friend cuts off your head.
Sweezus: Euuggh!
Farky: No, it gets even worse.
Sweezus: I don't want to hear it.
The VeloDrone: Save it for tomorrow, Farky old chap. We're having a rest day, and I'm inviting Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious to a grand picnic.
Sweezus: Yeah, save it, Farky. A picnic! That's cool!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Stage 8: Aigurande to Super-Besse Sancy
Sweezus, Farky and Violetta are right up at the front of the main peloton, immediately behind the riders of Team BMC, hoping to hear something useful. What is Cadel Evans' race plan? Perhaps someone will let something slip.
Sweezus: So Cavendish's dog is dead?
Farky: I thought everyone knew.
Violetta: I didn't. Poor Mark Cavendish. Poor doggy.
Farky: It died last week. Cavendish was upset. He dedicated his Stage 5 win to his dead dog.
Sweezus: What kind of dog was it?
Farky: A poorly old Golden Retriever.
Violetta: Ahh!
Sweezus: Well that's that then. You'll have to concentrate on Molly.
Farky: Shut up! They might hear you!
Sweezus: Cripes! I'm such a dill.
....
Meanwhile, Gustave, Gaius, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were lagging at the back of the race.
The VeloDrone: Young Farky is coming in useful.
Gaius: How's that?
The VeloDrone: He's made friends with Evans's dog.
Gustave: I don't hold with that kind of thing.
Le Bon David: What kind of thing?
Gustave: Secrets, false friendships, betrayals, that sort of thing.
Le Bon David: Harmless fun, Gustave, that's all. It's not as if we're expecting to win.
Gustave: And you call yourself a philosopher.
Sweezus: So Cavendish's dog is dead?
Farky: I thought everyone knew.
Violetta: I didn't. Poor Mark Cavendish. Poor doggy.
Farky: It died last week. Cavendish was upset. He dedicated his Stage 5 win to his dead dog.
Sweezus: What kind of dog was it?
Farky: A poorly old Golden Retriever.
Violetta: Ahh!
Sweezus: Well that's that then. You'll have to concentrate on Molly.
Farky: Shut up! They might hear you!
Sweezus: Cripes! I'm such a dill.
....
Meanwhile, Gustave, Gaius, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were lagging at the back of the race.
The VeloDrone: Young Farky is coming in useful.
Gaius: How's that?
The VeloDrone: He's made friends with Evans's dog.
Gustave: I don't hold with that kind of thing.
Le Bon David: What kind of thing?
Gustave: Secrets, false friendships, betrayals, that sort of thing.
Le Bon David: Harmless fun, Gustave, that's all. It's not as if we're expecting to win.
Gustave: And you call yourself a philosopher.
Stage 7: Le Mans to Chateauroux
It was windy and slow on the way from Le Mans to Chateauroux. They passed wheatfields and sunflowers, and rode through grey towns. Farky caught up to Sweezus.
Sweezus: Hey,Farky! You look grim.
Farky: I keep thinking about what Molly told me.
Sweezus: What did she tell you? Tell me.
Farky: She's reading a book called The Sailor Who Fell from Grace wth the Sea. This gang of very smart thirteen year old boys hate dads and their leader talks them into killing the new dad of one of the boys.
Sweezus: That doesn't sound like suitable reading for a dachshund.
Farky: First they ritually kill a kitten.
Sweezus: Shit! Is this book Japanese?
Farky: How did you know?
Sweezus: I think I've read it. It's very disturbing.
Farky: It disturbed Molly. She's up to the final chapter. She knows what's going to happen because of the kitten and she doesn't know whether to read it.
Sweezus: Tell her to read it. It's not quite as bad as she thinks.
Farky: Alright. But poor Molly. It's upsetting her ideas about literature.
Sweezus: How is that bad?
Farky: You're right. How is that bad?
Sweezus: By the way, looks like today's going to be another victory for Mark Cavendish. Does he have a dog?
Farky: He does, but it's dead.
Sweezus: Hey,Farky! You look grim.
Farky: I keep thinking about what Molly told me.
Sweezus: What did she tell you? Tell me.
Farky: She's reading a book called The Sailor Who Fell from Grace wth the Sea. This gang of very smart thirteen year old boys hate dads and their leader talks them into killing the new dad of one of the boys.
Sweezus: That doesn't sound like suitable reading for a dachshund.
Farky: First they ritually kill a kitten.
Sweezus: Shit! Is this book Japanese?
Farky: How did you know?
Sweezus: I think I've read it. It's very disturbing.
Farky: It disturbed Molly. She's up to the final chapter. She knows what's going to happen because of the kitten and she doesn't know whether to read it.
Sweezus: Tell her to read it. It's not quite as bad as she thinks.
Farky: Alright. But poor Molly. It's upsetting her ideas about literature.
Sweezus: How is that bad?
Farky: You're right. How is that bad?
Sweezus: By the way, looks like today's going to be another victory for Mark Cavendish. Does he have a dog?
Farky: He does, but it's dead.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Stage 6: Dinan to Lisieux
It was a long and sometimes wet ride from Dinan to Lisieux. Violetta was near the front, hoping to win points in the mid-race sprint. Gustave and Gaius were riding some distance behind.
Gaius: So you say she's brought her paints?
Gustave: Unfortunately, yes.
Gaius: Oh dear. From now on I shall be checking every chateau wall for SPLOSH!es.
Gustave: SPLOSH!es! Good one.
........
Meanwhile, Farky was recalling his dinner with Cadel Evans' dachshund, Molly, the night before. He thought it had been going rather well:
Molly: Thanks for inviting me, Farky. Most other dogs are too scared.
Farky: Why?
Molly: Because of Cadel. Remember 2008?
Farky: No, what happened?
Molly: At the end of the race, journalists were getting too close to us, and Cadel growled at them: Don't step on my dog, or I'll cut off your head.
Farky: Woooh! Extreme!
Molly: You know Cadel. It was a joke really. Or it became joke in retrospect. Cadel even got some 'Don't step on my dog' tee shirts made, and sold them online.
Farky: Leaving out the bit about cutting off heads.
Molly: Wisely, don't you think? Who would want to wear them if they said that?
Farky: I don't know. I bet some people would.
Molly: Thirteen year old boys, for example?
Farky: Why do you say that?
And Molly had then told him something that made his toes curl.
Gaius: So you say she's brought her paints?
Gustave: Unfortunately, yes.
Gaius: Oh dear. From now on I shall be checking every chateau wall for SPLOSH!es.
Gustave: SPLOSH!es! Good one.
........
Meanwhile, Farky was recalling his dinner with Cadel Evans' dachshund, Molly, the night before. He thought it had been going rather well:
Molly: Thanks for inviting me, Farky. Most other dogs are too scared.
Farky: Why?
Molly: Because of Cadel. Remember 2008?
Farky: No, what happened?
Molly: At the end of the race, journalists were getting too close to us, and Cadel growled at them: Don't step on my dog, or I'll cut off your head.
Farky: Woooh! Extreme!
Molly: You know Cadel. It was a joke really. Or it became joke in retrospect. Cadel even got some 'Don't step on my dog' tee shirts made, and sold them online.
Farky: Leaving out the bit about cutting off heads.
Molly: Wisely, don't you think? Who would want to wear them if they said that?
Farky: I don't know. I bet some people would.
Molly: Thirteen year old boys, for example?
Farky: Why do you say that?
And Molly had then told him something that made his toes curl.
Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel
Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.
Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?
Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.
Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.
Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.
Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.
........
Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.
Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!
The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.
Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....
The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.
Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.
Farky: What dog situation?
Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?
Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.
Le Bon David: Oh good man!
Farky: Watch it!
Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?
Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.
Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.
Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.
Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.
........
Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.
Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!
The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.
Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....
The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.
Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.
Farky: What dog situation?
Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?
Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.
Le Bon David: Oh good man!
Farky: Watch it!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne
Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.
Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?
Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.
Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.
Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.
Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.
........
Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.
The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?
Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.
The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?
Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.
The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.
Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?
The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.
Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?
The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?
Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?
Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.
Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.
Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.
Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.
........
Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.
The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?
Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.
The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?
Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.
The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.
Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?
The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.
Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?
The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?
Monday, July 4, 2011
Stage 3: Olonne-sur-Mer to Redon
And so it was that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious formed a team of seven riders, and participated in the Team Time Trials. The all-important fifth rider was:
Gaius! With a time of thirty minutes exactly.
How proud he was.
........
The following day, Sweezus and Violetta were riding together at the back of the main peloton, somewhere between Olonne-sur-Mer and Redon.
Violetta: Can I ask you a question?
Sweezus: What is it?
Violetta: Why did you stop on the Passage du Gois the other day and go for a swim? Was it a hare and tortoise thing?
Sweezus: Hare and tortoise! What d'you mean? Oh you mean, was I showing off?
Violetta: Yes, were you showing off?
Sweezus: No I was overwhelmed by a memory, and had to stop. Riding along the Passage du Gois reminded me of last Easter, and a cycling holiday with Marie and Belle et Bonne. I took too much chocolate along.
Violetta: Tell me about it!
Sweezus: Well, I thought they would eat some,, but they wouldn't. So I....
Violetta: I didn't mean tell me about it. I meant I know all too well about TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.
Sweezus: Ah.
Violetta: You're sweet.
Sweezus: Can I ask you a question?
Violetta: Sure, fire away.
Sweezus: What's in your bag?
Violetta: Paints
Sweezus: Paints?
Violetta: Our secret weapon.
Sweezus: It's good to have a secret weapon. Our secret weapon is Farky.
Violetta: We're in the same team now. Tell me about Farky.
Sweezus was just about to, when he realised that others were listening.
Gaius! With a time of thirty minutes exactly.
How proud he was.
........
The following day, Sweezus and Violetta were riding together at the back of the main peloton, somewhere between Olonne-sur-Mer and Redon.
Violetta: Can I ask you a question?
Sweezus: What is it?
Violetta: Why did you stop on the Passage du Gois the other day and go for a swim? Was it a hare and tortoise thing?
Sweezus: Hare and tortoise! What d'you mean? Oh you mean, was I showing off?
Violetta: Yes, were you showing off?
Sweezus: No I was overwhelmed by a memory, and had to stop. Riding along the Passage du Gois reminded me of last Easter, and a cycling holiday with Marie and Belle et Bonne. I took too much chocolate along.
Violetta: Tell me about it!
Sweezus: Well, I thought they would eat some,, but they wouldn't. So I....
Violetta: I didn't mean tell me about it. I meant I know all too well about TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.
Sweezus: Ah.
Violetta: You're sweet.
Sweezus: Can I ask you a question?
Violetta: Sure, fire away.
Sweezus: What's in your bag?
Violetta: Paints
Sweezus: Paints?
Violetta: Our secret weapon.
Sweezus: It's good to have a secret weapon. Our secret weapon is Farky.
Violetta: We're in the same team now. Tell me about Farky.
Sweezus was just about to, when he realised that others were listening.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Stage 2 - Les Essarts to Les Essarts
Why was Alberto Contador grinning yesterday, as he passed Team Philosophe? Was it because he had passed Team Philosophe?
That is not very likely.
Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?
That is a little more likely.
Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?
That is even more likely.
Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?
He stopped smiling after that.
.....
It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.
The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.
Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.
Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.
Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.
So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.
Gustave: Well what do you say?
Gaius: I say let's do it.
Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.
Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.
Violetta: So romantic!
Gaius: Tch!
That is not very likely.
Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?
That is a little more likely.
Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?
That is even more likely.
Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?
He stopped smiling after that.
.....
It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.
The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.
Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.
Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.
Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.
So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.
Gustave: Well what do you say?
Gaius: I say let's do it.
Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.
Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.
Violetta: So romantic!
Gaius: Tch!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Stage One - to Mont des Alouettes
With the Passage du Gois well behind them, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were in the middle of the main peloton, riding through the Vendee, on their way to Mont des Alouettes.
Any idea where Sweezus and Farky have got to? asked Le Bon David.
No, said The VeloDrone. But I hope they're somewhere in front.
Just then Farky came up behind them, resplendent in his Team Philosphe jersey and his customised panda racing hat.
Farky! said Le Bon David. How goes it? We thought you were up at the front.
Whoooo!! said Farky. No. This racing is hard. And Sweezus is way behind me.
Have a drink, said The VeloDrone, handing him an electrolytic sports drink.
Yuk, said Farky. Got any water?
No, said The VeloDrone. You'd better drink this. And what's wrong wih Sweezus?
He's missing the girls, said Farky.
The girls! said Le Bon David, shocked. There are lots of girls here.
He knows, said Farky. But he's missing Marie and Belle et Bonne. When we were riding along the Passage du Gois he got quite emotional, and wanted to stop for a bit. He sent them both a text and then decided to go for a dip. He's still in the water as far as I know.
Good heavens! said The VeloDrone. I hadn't anticipated this.
At that moment Albert Contador rode past, grinning widely.
Any idea where Sweezus and Farky have got to? asked Le Bon David.
No, said The VeloDrone. But I hope they're somewhere in front.
Just then Farky came up behind them, resplendent in his Team Philosphe jersey and his customised panda racing hat.
Farky! said Le Bon David. How goes it? We thought you were up at the front.
Whoooo!! said Farky. No. This racing is hard. And Sweezus is way behind me.
Have a drink, said The VeloDrone, handing him an electrolytic sports drink.
Yuk, said Farky. Got any water?
No, said The VeloDrone. You'd better drink this. And what's wrong wih Sweezus?
He's missing the girls, said Farky.
The girls! said Le Bon David, shocked. There are lots of girls here.
He knows, said Farky. But he's missing Marie and Belle et Bonne. When we were riding along the Passage du Gois he got quite emotional, and wanted to stop for a bit. He sent them both a text and then decided to go for a dip. He's still in the water as far as I know.
Good heavens! said The VeloDrone. I hadn't anticipated this.
At that moment Albert Contador rode past, grinning widely.
Only in Spain
You don't know who Lance Armstrong is? said Gustave, astonished.
Of course I do, replied Violetta. I merely meant to indicate that he is of no importance now. Our main rival in the Tour de France will be Alberto Contador.
True, said Gustave. I hear he is a little worried about the competition.
He should be, said Violetta. Not only because we are in it, but I believe that Team Philosophe is very strong this year.
I've heard the same, said Gaius. Very strong. They have a wonder dog, and a dark horse called Sweezus.
A dog and a horse! said Violetta. Bizarre!
He's not actually a horse, said Gaius.
........
Alberto Contador WAS worried by this year's competition. He had heard some alarming things about Team Philosophe. He mentioned his fears to his manager.
Alberto Contador: What is this I'm hearing about Team Philosophe? They are having a dog as a rider. Surely that is not allowed!
His Manager: Normally no. But they have produced a special permit signed by Nicolas Sarcozy. These French they stick together.
Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! And what if I was to wish to join my own personal dog to my team Saxobank Sungard? I think this would not be allowed, no way!
His Manager: It is not the dog you have to fear so much as this Sweezus.
Alberto Contador: Who is he this Sweezus?
His Manager: I hesitate to tell you.
Alberto Contador: Tell me nevertheless.
His Manager: His real name is Jesus. Sweezus is his Twitter name.
Alberto Contador: So what? Many men are called Jesus.
His Manager: Only in Spain, Alberto. Only in Spain.
Of course I do, replied Violetta. I merely meant to indicate that he is of no importance now. Our main rival in the Tour de France will be Alberto Contador.
True, said Gustave. I hear he is a little worried about the competition.
He should be, said Violetta. Not only because we are in it, but I believe that Team Philosophe is very strong this year.
I've heard the same, said Gaius. Very strong. They have a wonder dog, and a dark horse called Sweezus.
A dog and a horse! said Violetta. Bizarre!
He's not actually a horse, said Gaius.
........
Alberto Contador WAS worried by this year's competition. He had heard some alarming things about Team Philosophe. He mentioned his fears to his manager.
Alberto Contador: What is this I'm hearing about Team Philosophe? They are having a dog as a rider. Surely that is not allowed!
His Manager: Normally no. But they have produced a special permit signed by Nicolas Sarcozy. These French they stick together.
Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! And what if I was to wish to join my own personal dog to my team Saxobank Sungard? I think this would not be allowed, no way!
His Manager: It is not the dog you have to fear so much as this Sweezus.
Alberto Contador: Who is he this Sweezus?
His Manager: I hesitate to tell you.
Alberto Contador: Tell me nevertheless.
His Manager: His real name is Jesus. Sweezus is his Twitter name.
Alberto Contador: So what? Many men are called Jesus.
His Manager: Only in Spain, Alberto. Only in Spain.
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